Mom s06e22 Episode Script

Crazy Hair and a Teeny Tiny Part of Canada

1 What exactly do we know about this guy? That he has a vintage jukebox and wants to sell it to me.
Well, that's just what he said online.
What if we drove all the way to Reno and it's a total scam? What exactly would the scam be? To get a couple to drive three hours for no reason? "Ha, ha, I've stolen your time.
" You are so innocent.
It's like I'm in a relationship with a baby.
We get there, they bring out the jukebox, you give them a bag of money, they say, "We'll box it up for you," they load it in the van, we get home, the box is full of bricks and sand.
(chuckles): Who would do that? It Oh, no.
Yeah.
I did it with stereo speakers.
Sold the same pair 78 times.
And where are they now? In our living room.
You scare me.
I'm marrying someone who scares me.
(chuckles) Every couple needs at least one scary person.
The neighborhood Mormons are afraid to knock on our door.
You're welcome.
Speaking of getting married I wasn't.
Well, I am.
I don't think you're allowed to bring something up and then say, "Hey, speaking of that thing I just brought up.
" Okay, how about this? Entirely new subject I've been wondering when we might get married.
Well, why are you wondering that? What's wrong? N-Nothing's wrong.
We postponed the wedding because the bar was struggling, but now I can afford a jukebox.
- And - Or bricks and sand.
My point is no reason not to set a date.
Unless you have a reason.
Wow.
Are you accusing me of not wanting to get married? Well, I wasn't, but I'm starting to worry.
Stop worrying.
I will absolutely marry you at some point.
See, "at some point" sounds like that you don't want to get married.
So you are accusing me of not wanting to get married.
Well, you don't seem very excited about it.
Oh, you want excited? (whoops) Let's get married! Is that better? I mean, a little bit.
It didn't feel totally real.
For crying out loud, I'd marry you any time, any place.
If we weren't busy getting scammed buying a vintage jukebox, I'd marry you today.
- You're so full of it.
- I am not.
Well, we keep passing all these quickie wedding chapels.
How about I just pull over at the next one? Great.
That Right up here.
Pull in.
- I'm putting on the blinker.
- Blink away.
Oh, perfect.
I've always wanted to get married next to an Arby's.
See, there it is That-that's the flimsy excuse you're gonna use to try to get out of it.
I'm not getting out of anything, Bozo.
Okay, big talker, are we doing this? Screw it, let's get married! - Hey, how's it going, Tam? - Not good.
I woke up in a pleasant mood, but then I walk into the kitchen and there's one of Marjorie's little notes.
"Don't forget to put the milk away.
X-O, Marjorie.
" She doesn't mean the X, she doesn't mean the O.
And who else is the note gonna be from? The cats can't write.
And they would never want the milk put away.
I mean, if you have a problem with me, just talk to me.
Don't write me a note.
I'm not scary, am I? No, ma'am.
Oh, look.
There's the birthday girl.
Got to go give her a hug 'cause it's her birthday.
Happy sober birthday! Aw, thanks.
(chuckles) Six whole years of me waking up where I thought I would.
I remember your first meeting like it was yesterday.
You walked in Please don't tell the "vomit in my purse" story.
It's a tradition.
People love it.
Always makes me feel better about myself.
Ooh, save it for the party.
So you're gonna take a cake today, right? No, I'm gonna wait.
My mom's in Reno with Adam.
Feels too important to do it without her.
Well, that's progress.
You used to only want your mom here so you could angrily share at her.
The trick was to always share after her so she couldn't rebut.
She'd try to bribe me with Tic Tacs not to call on you.
I did it once for orange.
- How's it going, Tammy? - Not good.
Marjorie Did you wake up today? - Yeah, but - Are you sober? - Yeah, but - Do you have a bed, a job and friends? - Yeah.
- Then the answer is "amazing.
" "I guess it is.
I'm amazing.
See, now why isn't that on a Post-it? Hey, Nora.
This is for you.
Why are you giving me a card on your birthday? 'Cause I just want you to know that I couldn't have made it through the last year without you as my sponsor, and my sobriety is better because you're a part of it.
And now you know what my card says.
Well, congratulations.
And now you know what my card says.
You know, we could just keep these and give them to each other next year.
- What? - Come sit with me for a minute.
No.
No, no, no.
I am not sitting down.
Sitting down means bad news.
Well, you can stand if you want to, I'm still moving to Minneapolis.
What? You're not serious.
I got an amazing opportunity.
I'm going to be the new Channel 5 meteorologist for the Land of 10,000 Lakes and a teeny, tiny part of Canada.
You can't go there, I'm here.
I'm sorry I'm telling you this on your birthday, but they need me right now.
It's better pay, a bigger market, and the-the weather is insane there.
They have eight different kinds of precipitation.
Eight.
But what am I gonna do without you? Your sobriety does not depend on one person.
You're gonna be fine.
(hums) You're gonna be better than fine.
Give me a hug.
You don't do hugs.
I'm making an exception.
Come on.
This makes it so much worse.
Bonnie do you promise to love, honor and cherish Adam for as long as you both shall live? Yeah, whatever.
And do you, Adam, promise to love, - honor and cherish Bonnie - Yep.
We done? Um, you haven't exchanged rings.
What else? Just the kiss.
Aw.
That, right there That's why we do this.
I'm having trouble - getting you both in.
Could you ju - Take it! Told you I'd marry you.
Yep, you really showed me.
I was so excited when I got the call, within two hours, I had quit my job and packed up half the house.
Then Ralph comes home and he's like, "What's going on?" I realized I had told the kids, and had not told the husband.
Luckily, he's an "up and coming" mystery novelist, so he pretty much has to do whatever I say.
CHRISTY: Happy birthday to me Everyone, feel sorry for me Everybody leaves me, everybody leaves me Everybody leaves Christy.
Finally, I just said, "Ralph, all you do all day is write at Starbucks, and they got those in Minneapolis, too.
" Anyway, I'm gonna miss each and every one of you.
CHRISTY: But one of you more than others.
That's all I got.
Thank you.
Come on! Let's hear it for Nora.
How are you enjoying the reception? This is exactly how I pictured it.
(chuckles) You know, it's possible I was just hungry earlier.
So we got married 'cause you were hangry? Oh.
There were five turning points in my life where a sandwich would've changed everything.
But then I wouldn't have Christy.
- At least I'm in good company.
- Mm.
Oh, my God.
(chuckles) I'm married.
You're married.
Everyone in this car is married.
- This day really took a turn - (whoops softly) but I'm happy.
I'm happy, too.
Look at us, being happily married.
Dude, we are crushing this.
We could run a marriage seminar.
Ooh, like a weekend retreat.
Those are big moneymakers.
Charge couples 400 bucks to get in, and then they have to buy my book.
You haven't written a book.
Well, how hard could it be? Just knock out a sassy forward and then steal from a bunch of church pamphlets.
My wife is so scary.
All I heard is "my wife.
" I mean, I'm glad it's your sober birthday and all, but why couldn't we go to the bistro where the food's hot and it's not all lasagna? I told you I was bringing my lasagna.
I told you I was bringing my lasagna.
Seems like a thing that could've been handled through a series of Post-it notes.
I only remind people of things they need reminding of.
Oh, I canceled a massage for this.
Christy, quick, change the subject.
- I hate myself.
- Okay.
Maybe Bjorn's still available.
I just handled things with Nora so badly.
I can't believe that after six years of sobriety, I can still take someone's good news and only focus on how it negatively affects me.
The Germans call that gluckschmerz.
Bad feelings over someone's good luck.
It's the opposite of schadenfreude.
I guess you had a lot of time to read in prison.
No, my cellmate was German.
Hildé.
Good communicator, never left notes.
I want to be happy for Nora, but I'm so much better at feeling sad for myself.
I get it.
Worst part about being in beauty pageants was when someone else won, and I had to stand there smiling and clapping like I was happy for them, but the whole time, I'm thinking, "Well, what the hell did I sleep with that judge for?" Christy, it's okay to be upset, just don't rain on someone else's parade.
You've gotta to act better than you feel.
Like I did when Marjorie betrayed me with her lasagna.
Yeah, no matter how much you're dying inside, you got to flash that big old Vaseline smile.
Vaseline? Yeah.
You put it on your teeth so your lips don't stick.
And hemorrhoid cream tightens up your eyes.
Once, when I was drunk, I switched them.
My face was shiny and my lips were tiny.
- Hi.
- Hey.
ALL: Hey Sorry we're late.
Yeah, we stopped and got married! What? Yeah, we did it in Reno in a quickie chapel.
- Oh - But wait What about the wedding you guys were planning that we've been talking about forever? - Eh, skipping it.
- I love my wife.
I love my husband.
Mm Chris, you got a little gluckschmerz on your face.
I forgot what these looked like when they're not covered in Post-it Notes.
"Don't forget to rinse me.
Being dirty makes me sad.
" Why don't we get 'em an Insta-Pot and be done with it? Too nice.
People who didn't invite us to their wedding Don't deserve tender, fall-off-the-bone meat in less than an hour.
Yeah, I bought an outfit for this wedding a long time ago, and now I'm never gonna get to wear it.
Nobody else I know is ever getting married.
I see you there.
There goes my chance to shove cake in Adam's face.
- That's the bride.
- I know who's who! She told me I was gonna be the one to give her away.
Do you know how long I have been waiting to give her away? That's it.
I'm gonna get her these thingies you put on snack bags.
They're called "chip clips.
" I'm not showing off, it's just you need them when you live alone.
I thought this was supposed to be a group gift.
It is.
You each owe me 75 cents.
Oh, come on, ladies, we're not gonna punish Bonnie with her wedding gift.
Even though we should, because they literally wouldn't be together if it weren't for me.
Ooh, everybody grab your phones.
It's a rare sighting of Mad Marge.
How many times did I talk her off the ledge when she was ready to blow everything up with Adam? I deserve to be a bridesmaid.
At the very least, recite a poem.
What happened to "act better than you feel"? Trust me, I am.
Well, now that we're getting things off our chest, where the hell are the free samples around here? I smell apple cider.
Where is it?! Happy birthday to you Keep coming back.
(cheering) (sighs) Christy.
Alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Christy.
I want to thank the women who gave me my cake.
If it wasn't for your love and support, I wouldn't be standing here.
Or anywhere.
And that goes double for my mom, who You know I was gonna take this cake the other night, but I didn't, 'cause my mom wasn't here.
I didn't want her to miss a big event in my life.
Silly me I thought it might hurt her feelings to be left out of something so important.
That's why I waited until she was here So she could enjoy how friggin' far I've come.
I've come really far.
Got that, Mom? Really far.
And you already shared, so suck it! Yep, that's how I'm ending it.
- Do you believe this? - Wait'll you hear mine.
Look, I am using and enjoying my chip clips.
I know they were a gift of spite, but I'm gonna go ahead and say it game changer.
Listen I need to say something.
I am sorry for the way I shared today.
It was not very "six years sober" of me.
Well, there was some chatter about it at the cookie table, mostly from me.
The truth is I'm just really hurt.
We have been through such horrible stuff together, and finally, something wonderful happened and you didn't let me be a part of it.
(sighs) This may come as a surprise, given my delightful narcissism but deep down, I always assume that what I do doesn't matter to people.
You know, it-it just didn't occur to me that anyone would care.
Well, that's stupid.
I cared a lot.
And it's not just me.
Everybody's upset they missed it.
I heard Marjorie share, I know.
Strange as it may seem, people want to be a part of your life because they love you.
He Honey, I am so sorry.
If I ever get married again, I promise you'll be there.
- Mom? - Yeah? Can I please be the next one to get married? Everyone's mad at me.
I'll need more context.
Turns out I'm beloved.
There was, like, a Royal Wedding level of interest in seeing me get married.
You mean seeing us get married.
I don't remember anyone mentioning you, but maybe.
Our wedding was a gigantic mistake.
- Well, that didn't take long.
- No I am serious.
You really screwed us this time.
- Me? - Yeah.
Pressuring me to get married.
And then tempting me with Arby's.
I mean, how could you forget I have a daughter? You forget all the time.
Well, she's devastated.
And what about my friends? You certainly didn't think about them.
You robbed those people of a moment of joy, and they have so little to look forward to.
So what do you want to do Have another wedding? - Oh, like you'd do that.
- Of course I'd do that.
I'd marry you at the bar tomorrow in front of everyone if it'd get you to shut up.
Well, I'll never shut up.
See you at 2:00.
- Fine! - And fix that crazy hair.
Thank you for asking me to officiate.
Oh, let's face it we wouldn't still be together if it wasn't for you.
Oh, that's a wild exaggeration.
Are you nervous? It's my second wedding in three days.
I'm getting the hang of it.
Oh, you look beautiful.
Are you ready? I can't believe I ever did this without you.
- I'm so glad you're here.
- Me too.
Wendy? (playing "The Wedding March") Now I've got something old, something new, something borrowed and something weird.
(sighs) She's all yours.
No give-backs.
Ck Oh, God, I forgot my tissue.
No, Marjorie left me a note to remember them.
She's the best.
Friends, we are here today to witness a miracle.
Two lasagnas seriously? It's my signature dish.
It's my signature dish.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr.
and Mrs.
Adam and Bonnie Plunkett-Janikowski! (cheering) (playing "When the Saints Go Marching In") (playing off-key) Wendy, as beautiful as that is, we've already picked out a song.
- Well, I'm here if you need me.
- Uh-huh.
Christy, C-7.
May I have this dance, Mrs.
Janikowski? You may.
(chuckles) Fly me to the moon But we're gonna have to talk about that name.
Among the stars Are you feeling good or just acting like it? I am genuinely happy for them.
- It's a very unfamiliar feeling.
- (chuckles) Here's hoping you get used to it.
Hold my hand Hey, I've been thinking.
Mm? I owe so much of my six years to you.
I I was wondering if there's - any chance - I would love to be your sponsor again.
- Really? - Of course.
You've gotten a lot less needy than you used to be.
Oh, God, I was hoping you'd notice.
You are all I long for Damn it! Got lasagna on my outfit.
- Whose lasagna? - Whose lasagna? I'm enjoying this.
Me too.
Where do you want our third wedding to be? Can a gal cut in? Oh, I'll check back.
I'm sorry.