Mom s07e17 Episode Script

Beef Baloney Dan and a Sarcastic No

Previously on Mom Oh! - Oh.
- Uh, too rough? No.
This would be too rough.
Ow! Best date I ever had.
I need to break up with him.
I have one more daffodil hidden somewhere on my body.
Care to lead the search party? Rudy, we need to talk.
No ! Look at us.
What? Look at us.
Who's better than us? Uh I mean, missionaries, I guess.
I don't know, I don't know.
Where are you going with this? We are so mentally healthy.
We are so dogged in our pursuit of better-ness.
I feel like I'm getting set up for a favor.
Do you need your feet pumiced again? I just mean, here I am, dropping you off at your Al-Anon meeting, en route to my AA meeting.
So again I say, who's better than us? People who don't need those meetings in the first place? But who else? No one.
- There you go.
- Ah.
So do you talk about me? Well, it is an Al-Anon meeting, and you're my Al.
So, uh, yeah, yeah, you come up.
And do you speak well of me? Yes, Bonnie, I'm the only person in there whose alcoholic is perfect.
- Okay, but I'm not the worst.
- No, no.
Was that a genuine "no" or a sarcastic "no"? It's whatever you want it to be.
Again who's better than us.
Who's that? That's Sam, my sponsor.
Your sponsor wears suspenders? No wonder his wife drinks.
No, that's Carl.
Sam's standing next to him, smoking.
- That's Sam? - Yeah.
The same Sam you've been talking about for three months? Yeah.
So the "antha" is silent.
Any chance we could all be? Found him! What are you doing in here for 20 minutes? We're backed up.
Waiters are cooking their own orders.
I came in for an onion but got lost in my memories.
Oh, I don't need to hear it.
This is where Tammy and I shared our first kiss.
And our last kiss.
- Oh, God.
- Does she ever talk about me at all? How about we talk and cook? - Talk and cook! - No, no, no.
Could you text her for me? Huh? Tell her I'm miserable without her.
No, that sounds weak.
Tell her I'm in play.
No, just tell her I'm fine with whatever she wants.
No big whoop either way.
"Rudy says hi.
" Ah, subtle.
Well played.
Shocking you're a spinster.
Did she text back yet? - No.
- Oh.
- How about now? - No! - Oh.
Now? - You would hear it! Well, I thought maybe it happened when I was saying, "Now?" Ooh, bingo.
Some ass named Roscoe said he got an "A" in English.
Oh, give me that! How was your meeting? Good.
Yours? Good.
Did you share? - I did.
- Mm-hmm.
And did you talk about Sam having a vagina? No, but I did talk about how this ride was gonna go, and so far, I was right on the money.
Oh, is it not going well for you? 'Cause I'm fine.
Oh, come on, Bonnie.
So what if Sam's a woman? I just find it curious you never told me.
I didn't even think about it at first, and then the longer I didn't tell you, the weirder I felt about saying something.
You know, I missed my window.
Like the guy at the deli, who still gets my name wrong.
I should've corrected him the second time, but I didn't.
So now I'm forever "Beef Baloney Dan.
" Who's better than us? You listen to me, Mr.
Adam Janikowski.
You cannot just sit there and pretend this is not a big deal! No, no, I'm talking! You obviously kept her a secret because you have feelings for her.
Oh, that is such a lie! Oh, nice try, nice try.
We're not changing the subject.
Oh, and of course she smokes.
"Who's hotter than me? Me, who smokes.
" Are we gonna start smoking again? Well, I should, because apparently it turns Adam on.
So it's yes? 'Cause the off-brand gas station is still open, and they're 50 cents a pack cheaper there.
Give me eight bucks, I can make this happen.
We're not smoking.
I'm just pissed at Adam, who's sleeping like he doesn't have a problem in the world.
Well, you do, buddy! You got a big, fat problem! Oh, I get it.
You're in a whisper fight.
I used to do that with you all the time.
Deal me in.
His Al-Anon sponsor is a woman.
Sam? "antha.
" Like in, "Meanwhile, across town, Samantha was flat on her back in the Flatiron District.
" Oh.
I so miss Sex and the City.
And sex.
I'm gonna miss sex with Adam when he leaves me for Samantha.
I'll still have sex, but I'll miss Adam.
Sorry, I just don't see what's so bad.
My G.
sponsor is a guy.
Yeah, uh, I've seen him.
Least sexy guy on the planet.
I'm up against Angie frickin' Dickinson.
- Who's that? - Oh, for God's sake! Just go to bed.
So it's definitely a no on the smoking? Look, if I'm divorced by the weekend, we can smoke.
I like my chances.
I might buy a lighter.
What are you doing? Chef Rudy asked me to take pictures of you.
I get bonus points if your mouth is open.
That is super creepy.
Why'd you say yes? I actually feel sorry for the guy.
He talks about you.
He cries about you.
He yells your name when he's pounding the veal.
Ew! No, literally, we serve a lot of veal.
Then my plan is working.
What plan? Love is a game, Christy, and I'm great at it.
I thought you didn't want to have a relationship with Chef Rudy.
I thought I didn't either, and then, last Tuesday night around 10:00, I did.
So I butt-dialed him with my fingers and made sounds like I was taking a bubble bath.
Wait, hang on.
What would that sound like? Mm.
Oh! You couldn't do that with your own glass? I don't get playing games.
When I like a guy, I just tell him.
Oh! What? Men appreciate honesty.
Oh! For God's sake, Christy, you don't give away the mystery.
I was a stripper.
I've been giving away the mystery since I was 18.
Even I played a little hard-to-get with Victor.
Took him a while to tug down those sweatpants, huh? Oh, don't look now, but your plans just walked in and is acting surprised to see us.
You know who isn't surprised: the puppet master.
Tammy! Ah, is that you? Tammy, what a strange coincidence.
Ah, to think that I would run into you here, at the, uh Burgundy Bistro.
Yes, I've been meaning to try their, uh oh three-bean chili.
- Chili, coming up.
- Ooh.
Well, I hope you don't mind if I sit at this table adjacent to your own.
So, anyway, I've got dates with both Ricardo and Brad tonight.
I mean, I love Ricardo's fire, but Brad does manage a LensCrafters.
- Oh, what to do? - Mm.
Not sure, but first I'm off to wax Downtown Disney, 'cause someone's getting in my tea cup tonight.
Here's your chili.
Good Lord, has someone already eaten this? Are you primping? Is there someone here worth primping for? Owen.
Hit bottom last year on vodka and Mountain Dew.
Ah, he is cute.
How you gonna blow it? I am not gonna blow it.
I'm gonna be the puppet master.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Oh, I'm gonna get him.
I'm gonna get him so good he's not gonna know what got him.
Like a sexy sex ninja.
Just watch and learn.
Oh, I'm gonna watch.
Hey, Christy, looking for a seat? No.
And the game is on.
Is it, though? Oh, really, Adam? How would you like it if I sponsored one of the cute guys in here? Will you stop that? Tell him.
He's the one who won't let it go.
You know you look crazy.
People on the street were trying to give you change.
One quarter.
It doesn't matter who Adam is hearing the message from, as long as he's hearing the message.
My first sponsor was a guy.
Yeah, but back then, there were only three people in the program.
She's old.
Look at Owen ignoring me.
He's good, but I'm better.
Guess who just sent me a TikTok video? A 12-year-old you met at the mall? Hi, Tammy.
Paul, explain this to me again.
I don't think I'm getting it.
Am I supposed to move? Ticktock.
Oh, no! Don't press send! That was painful.
In a super hot way.
I'm gonna watch it again By myself, if you don't mind.
Wow, guy! No means no! How did that girl ever get married? Drugs were involved.
She was out in the living room whisper-fighting with me all night.
Why didn't you go talk to her? Because I have a better chance of winning if I'm not there.
Come on, Adam.
Don't you think you might owe Bonnie an amends? What am I supposed to say? I'm sorry I didn't tell you that Sam was a woman? Thanks, Adam.
I appreciate you validating my feelings.
What was that? I'm being Bonnie.
Not even close.
First you got to make fun of my hair.
- What's wrong with your hair? - Thank you.
Also, it's louder, it's scarier and more arm waving.
And if I make a good point, you got to bring up something that I did wrong two years ago.
Okay, so-so maybe just stop at "I'm sorry.
" Just "I'm sorry"? I'm allowed to do that? Sure.
No, I'm asking Bonnie.
Am I allowed to do that? Oh, um Do whatever you want, Fluffy! That was good, but you got to get on your chair.
- Oh.
- Okay.
I traded up.
Bonnie, I should've told you that Sam was a woman.
I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
And that's it.
Gus, you're out.
Daddy's home and he's singing the sweet, sweet music.
So, we're good? Yeah.
And I'm sorry, too.
I should've stayed out of your program.
It's definitely working for you.
For us.
It is.
It is.
So you're cool with me having her as a sponsor? Couldn't be cooler.
In fact, it's great she's a woman.
She'll help you understand me.
She already has.
She's the one that suggested I say I'm sorry.
Oh? That was Sam's idea? Yeah, she dropped by the bar today and she talked me through it.
She dropped by the bar? Yeah.
How often does she drop by the bar? When she's in the neighborhood.
So she drops by the bar when she's in the neighborhood.
And does she have a drink when she drops by the bar 'cause she's in the neighborhood? Oh, God.
You are so naive! I work a lot, and it's on her way home.
It's totally innocent.
No, you're totally innocent.
This is exactly like two years ago with the thing when I was right.
W-W-Wait, d-don't you meet Marjorie at the bistro? Yes, where we sip soup loudly in a brightly lit setting.
Marjorie's got a napkin tucked into her collar like a bib.
Is that what Sam's doing? She got a bib tucked in there? Or is she sipping a Pinot and sucking on her cigarette like it's, you know, not a cigarette? I can't believe you don't trust me.
Oh, I trust you.
I don't trust her.
You don't even know her! Oh, I know her.
I am her.
Or I was her.
And I could still be her.
But because of you, I'm me and she's her! Wait.
Wait, wait.
You have a male therapist who you meet alone in his house.
Do I say anything about that? - Well, maybe you should.
- Uh Wait, what? No.
He's a mess.
You know, Sam is helping me, and that's all that should matter.
Gus, you're back in! If I just put my head in this pot, it would all be over.
Table four would like to personally thank you for their branzino.
Oh, would they? Don't they know I'm in pain? Did they really like it? Yes.
And they want to tell you.
Have some Purell waiting for me when I return.
- Hello, Tammy.
- Hello, Rudy.
What are you doing here? I miss you.
I miss you, too.
In case you couldn't tell from the texts and the click-clock.
I loved your video.
- You did? - Yeah.
Why didn't you tell me? Well, a gal likes to keep a guy guessing.
You know, it's part of the game.
Oh, the-the game? Yeah, you know, the game, the dance.
How I worked you up, pretending not to be interested.
Oh, uh wh So, you were playing me? All in fun.
Oh, there was nothing fun about it.
You tortured me.
Only so we could get here, now.
Tammy, I'm a person.
I have feelings.
I wanted a actual relationship with you, something significant, something meaningful.
So did I.
Please don't be upset.
It's too late.
That did not go well.
Are you kidding? I have her right where I want her! And now the real game has begun! Damn it.
Adam, if a woman sent you a text as a lady panda with super long eyelashes, you would text her back, right? I don't know.
I find flirty animals confusing.
Rudy's driving me insane.
I can't stop looking at my phone.
Here, you take it.
No matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how much I beg, do not give it back to me.
Give it back to me.
Hey, I didn't expect to see you.
I was on my way back from a meeting and I hadn't heard from you, so I thought I'd check in.
How'd it go with Bonnie? I took your advice, and at first it went great.
Oh, no.
You went past sorry.
Just a little.
Why can't men learn? Once things are good, stop talking.
Why can't women learn that men don't learn? Uh, listen, I-I thought if she knew that my apology was your idea, that she'd realize how much you've been helping me.
This is why I tell my sponsees: stick to the script.
Don't veer from the script.
Yeah, I know.
It's just, you know, I don't want to feel tense every time I bring your name up.
I mean, does your husband have a problem with you sponsoring men? No.
He has a problem with everything else I do.
But if you ever meet him, don't tell him I said that.
And if you ever meet Bonnie Well, there's no way to talk you through that one.
How about we agree to never meet each other's spouses? Deal.
What's happening? You were right.
Damn it! This is not how I want to look when I'm right.
I'll tell you again tomorrow.
I can't believe Rudy's still ghosting me.
Isn't that what you did to him? Yeah, but I did it as a game.
Um, hello.
Oh, my God.
That crazy, sexy genius.
The puppeteer has become the puppet.
Owen's doing the same thing to me.
He's playing so hard to get, I saw him making out with someone else during my share.
Well, Rudy leaves me no choice.
Take my phone.
No matter what I say, do not give it back to me.
But doesn't that just mean neither of you are speaking to each other? Oh, Christy, do you know nothing of love? Oh, look.
It's Owen.
Dude get over me.

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