Momma Named Me Sheriff (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Ganley Stoodman
1 Goodman! Make some sales or you're fired! You know, you're not my boss now, boss.
Say, what is your real name, anyway? "Boss.
" now, what do ya want, Deputy Lame-man? Seems you're in violation of civil code 83-57.
Trash bins outside too far from the curb.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh? Uh-oh.
Huh? [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Deputy Goodman speaking? Hi, do you wanna buy a saw lamp? - No, thanks, Floyd.
- Aw.
Hmm.
This saw lamp looks pretty dangerous.
I'm not sure you should be selling Ohh! Ohh! [SCREAMING.]
Ride around town Stealin' and killin' is how I get down What? Well, you better be aware, son 'Cause momma named me Sheriff Momma Now you got it Momma And don't forget it Oh, no, I better go M-o-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff Dude! I can't believe your legs got chopped off! Uh, yeah.
Look at your little nubby nubs! - Nubby, nubby, nub, nub! - Sheriff Can I be the one to tell your family you cut your legs off? - Please?! - No.
[GROANS.]
Ugh.
I don't want my family seeing me like this.
Not yet.
Especially Tommy.
He's been so down lately.
Say, doc? How long 'til you reattach my legs, hmm? Well, I've got good news.
The hospital lost them.
What?! How is that good news? 'Cause you qualify for our all-new bionic limb plan! What? Bionic limbs? It's quite the rage these days.
How are you, Miss Dorothy? I'm doing well.
Thank you for asking.
Uh, I prefer my real legs, thank you very much.
Uh, what? Hey? That man Huh? He was with boss this morning.
Maybe they have something to do with my missing legs.
Dude, chill-lax.
I'll find your legs.
No problem.
Now, doc, show me where you don't know where Goodman's legs are.
[GROANS.]
Huh? [GRUNTS.]
Ah.
Hmm.
Hmm.
[GRUNTING, PANTING.]
Ooh! Wow.
Ah.
Where the heck is he going? The school.
Hmm.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, yo.
Move it, boys.
BOTH: Food fight! No! Aah! - Let's get outta here! - [LAUGHS.]
Hey! Clean up this mess, kid! I'm not a kid.
You sure look like one.
Uh, Tommy! Uh, I don't want you seeing me like this.
- I, uh - How do you know my name? Oh.
You don't know who I am.
I'm your new friend, uh, Stanley Goodman.
Uh, I mean, uh, Ganly Stoodman, - is what I meant.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Puttin' up the fliers, hangin' 'em on a post Where Goodman's legs are, I don't knowst Guppidy bop ba-doo-boo, bobbity bop ba-whoa - Help, Sheriff! - Oh! Uh, what seems to be the problem, Linda? The problem is, he be hanging around my business location and ain't be buying nothing! He need to get on down the road, stupid mime mother fu Hey! Goodman's legs! I've been looking for these.
Get your hands off my hockey sticks! You gotta bye 'em first.
$2! Listen, drop the flipper.
Ow! Ow! - Linda: [SHOUTING.]
- Ow! Ow! Now, children, even this is art.
So, Tommy, you're sure you haven't seen this man at school? I don't know.
But look what I drew.
It's a heart.
For Suzie.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
I like her, but she doesn't like me.
Oh? So, that's why you've been so down lately.
How did you know, Ganly? Uh, I, um Tell me about this girl you like, Tommy.
I love her.
I wanna have sex with her.
Excuse me? Hey, what is sex, anyway? I saw my dad and mom having sex once.
What?! It looks like the man wiggles on the lady, while she just lies there sad.
Hey! I'm good with the ladies.
I mean, little girls.
I mean, little kids.
I mean Uh, hey, let me help you out here, son.
- I mean, Tommy.
Ugh.
- Oh, boy! Hi.
Ganly Stoodman here.
My, uh, friend over there would like to give you a little something special.
Eck.
Whoa, Ganly, you're such a great artist.
That looks just like Mr.
Nabbers.
Wait a minute, Mr.
Nabbers? - You know this man? - Oh, yeah.
- You must tell me everything.
- Ooh.
[BELL RINGS.]
And another thing about me, is my favorite color is new boyfriend.
- Ahh! - What? No, Suzie, Suzie? I meant, tell me everything about this man.
The one with the microwave for a head.
Oh.
He's in our next class.
Oh.
Welcome, kids, to Mr.
Nabbers' shop class, where we learn to build.
Hey, you and I need to have a little conversation about my missing legs! Who are you, kid?! - Uh - This is my friend Ganly.
He's new.
Well, behave and start building, or I'm giving you detention.
- Ooh! - Ooh! Come on, Ganly.
Just do what Mr.
Nabbers says.
Ugh.
You're such a goodie-goodie, Tommy.
Thanks, Suzie.
I think she's starting to like me.
- I'm starting to like you, Ganly.
- Whoa, don't Suzie, uh Hey? Saw lamps? These are boss' products.
And this is illegal child labor.
What?! All right, you're off to detention! Goodman: Ow! Oh-ow! [GASPS.]
- Ganly! - Hi, Suzie.
Tommy, go away! I don't want a goodie-goodie.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, okay! I want a bad boy.
[SHOUTING.]
Heck, Linda! St Ow! Give me back my hockey sticks, Sheriff! Ow! Linda, they're not hockey sticks! They're Goodman's legs! Ow! Stop or I'll have no choice but to shoot! You give 'em back or I'll show you something so beautiful, it'll blind you! What could be so beautiful it would blind me? My flower! Look! Oh! Linda, your pee-pee, it's so beautiful! It looks like a magnificent sunset radiating out from the eye of a golden god! Ah! It's burning my eyes! I'm blind! Aah! I can't see! [ECHOING.]
Aah! Ah.
Whoa! Hey, chicken, give me back my hockey sticks! - Aah! What the hell's happening? - Aah! Let me outta here! Shut up, kid! It's snack time! I'm not a kid, I'm a man.
I just look short, because a saw lamp cut off my legs.
Whoa! You're a nubby, just like me.
A what? A nubby! See? Oh, my good That's pretty bad.
See, boss pays me to use kids to build his products, right? But one day, a saw lamp cuts my head right off.
Then the doctors messed up the surgery and attached my head in the wrong place.
Peek-a-boo! - Aah! Oh, that's awful! - Tell me about it.
Then, I got an idea.
Since I'm working for boss making stuff that cuts people's limbs off, I can get rid of the limbs and make a little cash on the side selling bionic limbs.
- I knew it! You stole my legs! - Yep.
But I'm gonna get you some bionic limbs.
I got a riding lawnmower out back that'll be perfect for you.
You're not gonna miss your legs at all.
What? No.
[GROANS.]
Huh? - Hi, Ganly.
- Tommy! Let me outta this cage.
Mr.
Nabbers is a bad man and I Oh, good.
I wanna be bad.
Maybe Mr.
Nabbers can teach me how.
Oh, Mr.
Nabbers?! Tommy, no! I I uh Oh, there you are.
Oh, no.
[GIGGLES.]
Hey, where the hell are all my products, Mr.
Nabbers? What'd ya microwave your own brain? Oh, I I Mr.
Nabbers? Huh? Can you teach me how to be bad? I thought being good was good, but apparently, it's bad.
And Suzie wants a bad boy, so being bad must be good.
- Wait, I'm confused.
- Yeah, me, too.
You wanna be bad, find something to be angry about.
It'll just come out.
Now, beat it, Tommy.
I have business to discuss.
Not anymore, you don't.
- Huh? - Huh? Who's this dumb kid? I'm not a kid.
I'm a Ganly? You said you'd kiss me if I set you free.
Now, give me that sugar.
Suzie, I [GASPS.]
Ganly? You were trying to kiss my Suzie? - Ooh! - Ooh! ALL: Fight, fight, fight! Yeah! Fight over me! Hit him with your big, long arms, Ganly! What? No.
Uh, Tommy, no, I can explain Aah! - Yeah! - Yeah! Tommy, whoa.
Uh Never mind.
I'm a kid and I was trying to kiss Suzie.
Go easy on me, now.
[SCREAMS.]
- Yeah, get him! - Kick his ass, Tommy! [GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Aah! No, Tommy! No! Not a No, not ag [GRUNTS.]
Aah! Okay, Tommy, that's enough.
Tommy, don't! Oh, Tommy! Damn! Help me, please, someone.
Who's bad now, bitch? Ohh! [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah! - Yeah! Whoa.
That felt good.
Wow, Ganly, you're a pussy.
Not like Tommy.
He's a bad boy.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
Wait.
Dad? [COUGHS.]
Yeah? You just got beat up by your own son? [LAUGHS.]
that's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen, Goodman.
That's Deputy Goodman.
What?! A cop! And you are under arrest.
I ain't going to jail! Die, you pig! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Sheriff? And my legs? Let go of my hockey sticks! [BOTH SHOUTING.]
Aah! I'm blind! Aah! Aah! My arms! - Huh? - Huh? [CRYING.]
Dude! Can't believe they put your legs on the wrong body, Goodman.
- Mrs.
Pickles? - So cool.
- Uh, I'm over here, Sheriff.
- Huh? Well, thanks for dinner, Mrs.
Goodman.
I should skedaddle.
See you in the morning, Deputy.
Hopefully, that is.
Oh, Sheriff.
Let me help you.
Don't worry, dear.
Let me.
- Oh.
- Dad, can I have the keys? I wanna take Suzie to make-out point.
Uh, Tommy, please.
You're too young to drive Oh, Tommy, don't hurt me, okay?! M-o-a-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff Tommy: After this, let's have sex, Suzie.
No, you pervert! Ow! Momma named me Sheriff Momma, she named me Sheriff
Say, what is your real name, anyway? "Boss.
" now, what do ya want, Deputy Lame-man? Seems you're in violation of civil code 83-57.
Trash bins outside too far from the curb.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh? Uh-oh.
Huh? [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Deputy Goodman speaking? Hi, do you wanna buy a saw lamp? - No, thanks, Floyd.
- Aw.
Hmm.
This saw lamp looks pretty dangerous.
I'm not sure you should be selling Ohh! Ohh! [SCREAMING.]
Ride around town Stealin' and killin' is how I get down What? Well, you better be aware, son 'Cause momma named me Sheriff Momma Now you got it Momma And don't forget it Oh, no, I better go M-o-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff Dude! I can't believe your legs got chopped off! Uh, yeah.
Look at your little nubby nubs! - Nubby, nubby, nub, nub! - Sheriff Can I be the one to tell your family you cut your legs off? - Please?! - No.
[GROANS.]
Ugh.
I don't want my family seeing me like this.
Not yet.
Especially Tommy.
He's been so down lately.
Say, doc? How long 'til you reattach my legs, hmm? Well, I've got good news.
The hospital lost them.
What?! How is that good news? 'Cause you qualify for our all-new bionic limb plan! What? Bionic limbs? It's quite the rage these days.
How are you, Miss Dorothy? I'm doing well.
Thank you for asking.
Uh, I prefer my real legs, thank you very much.
Uh, what? Hey? That man Huh? He was with boss this morning.
Maybe they have something to do with my missing legs.
Dude, chill-lax.
I'll find your legs.
No problem.
Now, doc, show me where you don't know where Goodman's legs are.
[GROANS.]
Huh? [GRUNTS.]
Ah.
Hmm.
Hmm.
[GRUNTING, PANTING.]
Ooh! Wow.
Ah.
Where the heck is he going? The school.
Hmm.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, yo.
Move it, boys.
BOTH: Food fight! No! Aah! - Let's get outta here! - [LAUGHS.]
Hey! Clean up this mess, kid! I'm not a kid.
You sure look like one.
Uh, Tommy! Uh, I don't want you seeing me like this.
- I, uh - How do you know my name? Oh.
You don't know who I am.
I'm your new friend, uh, Stanley Goodman.
Uh, I mean, uh, Ganly Stoodman, - is what I meant.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Puttin' up the fliers, hangin' 'em on a post Where Goodman's legs are, I don't knowst Guppidy bop ba-doo-boo, bobbity bop ba-whoa - Help, Sheriff! - Oh! Uh, what seems to be the problem, Linda? The problem is, he be hanging around my business location and ain't be buying nothing! He need to get on down the road, stupid mime mother fu Hey! Goodman's legs! I've been looking for these.
Get your hands off my hockey sticks! You gotta bye 'em first.
$2! Listen, drop the flipper.
Ow! Ow! - Linda: [SHOUTING.]
- Ow! Ow! Now, children, even this is art.
So, Tommy, you're sure you haven't seen this man at school? I don't know.
But look what I drew.
It's a heart.
For Suzie.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
I like her, but she doesn't like me.
Oh? So, that's why you've been so down lately.
How did you know, Ganly? Uh, I, um Tell me about this girl you like, Tommy.
I love her.
I wanna have sex with her.
Excuse me? Hey, what is sex, anyway? I saw my dad and mom having sex once.
What?! It looks like the man wiggles on the lady, while she just lies there sad.
Hey! I'm good with the ladies.
I mean, little girls.
I mean, little kids.
I mean Uh, hey, let me help you out here, son.
- I mean, Tommy.
Ugh.
- Oh, boy! Hi.
Ganly Stoodman here.
My, uh, friend over there would like to give you a little something special.
Eck.
Whoa, Ganly, you're such a great artist.
That looks just like Mr.
Nabbers.
Wait a minute, Mr.
Nabbers? - You know this man? - Oh, yeah.
- You must tell me everything.
- Ooh.
[BELL RINGS.]
And another thing about me, is my favorite color is new boyfriend.
- Ahh! - What? No, Suzie, Suzie? I meant, tell me everything about this man.
The one with the microwave for a head.
Oh.
He's in our next class.
Oh.
Welcome, kids, to Mr.
Nabbers' shop class, where we learn to build.
Hey, you and I need to have a little conversation about my missing legs! Who are you, kid?! - Uh - This is my friend Ganly.
He's new.
Well, behave and start building, or I'm giving you detention.
- Ooh! - Ooh! Come on, Ganly.
Just do what Mr.
Nabbers says.
Ugh.
You're such a goodie-goodie, Tommy.
Thanks, Suzie.
I think she's starting to like me.
- I'm starting to like you, Ganly.
- Whoa, don't Suzie, uh Hey? Saw lamps? These are boss' products.
And this is illegal child labor.
What?! All right, you're off to detention! Goodman: Ow! Oh-ow! [GASPS.]
- Ganly! - Hi, Suzie.
Tommy, go away! I don't want a goodie-goodie.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, okay! I want a bad boy.
[SHOUTING.]
Heck, Linda! St Ow! Give me back my hockey sticks, Sheriff! Ow! Linda, they're not hockey sticks! They're Goodman's legs! Ow! Stop or I'll have no choice but to shoot! You give 'em back or I'll show you something so beautiful, it'll blind you! What could be so beautiful it would blind me? My flower! Look! Oh! Linda, your pee-pee, it's so beautiful! It looks like a magnificent sunset radiating out from the eye of a golden god! Ah! It's burning my eyes! I'm blind! Aah! I can't see! [ECHOING.]
Aah! Ah.
Whoa! Hey, chicken, give me back my hockey sticks! - Aah! What the hell's happening? - Aah! Let me outta here! Shut up, kid! It's snack time! I'm not a kid, I'm a man.
I just look short, because a saw lamp cut off my legs.
Whoa! You're a nubby, just like me.
A what? A nubby! See? Oh, my good That's pretty bad.
See, boss pays me to use kids to build his products, right? But one day, a saw lamp cuts my head right off.
Then the doctors messed up the surgery and attached my head in the wrong place.
Peek-a-boo! - Aah! Oh, that's awful! - Tell me about it.
Then, I got an idea.
Since I'm working for boss making stuff that cuts people's limbs off, I can get rid of the limbs and make a little cash on the side selling bionic limbs.
- I knew it! You stole my legs! - Yep.
But I'm gonna get you some bionic limbs.
I got a riding lawnmower out back that'll be perfect for you.
You're not gonna miss your legs at all.
What? No.
[GROANS.]
Huh? - Hi, Ganly.
- Tommy! Let me outta this cage.
Mr.
Nabbers is a bad man and I Oh, good.
I wanna be bad.
Maybe Mr.
Nabbers can teach me how.
Oh, Mr.
Nabbers?! Tommy, no! I I uh Oh, there you are.
Oh, no.
[GIGGLES.]
Hey, where the hell are all my products, Mr.
Nabbers? What'd ya microwave your own brain? Oh, I I Mr.
Nabbers? Huh? Can you teach me how to be bad? I thought being good was good, but apparently, it's bad.
And Suzie wants a bad boy, so being bad must be good.
- Wait, I'm confused.
- Yeah, me, too.
You wanna be bad, find something to be angry about.
It'll just come out.
Now, beat it, Tommy.
I have business to discuss.
Not anymore, you don't.
- Huh? - Huh? Who's this dumb kid? I'm not a kid.
I'm a Ganly? You said you'd kiss me if I set you free.
Now, give me that sugar.
Suzie, I [GASPS.]
Ganly? You were trying to kiss my Suzie? - Ooh! - Ooh! ALL: Fight, fight, fight! Yeah! Fight over me! Hit him with your big, long arms, Ganly! What? No.
Uh, Tommy, no, I can explain Aah! - Yeah! - Yeah! Tommy, whoa.
Uh Never mind.
I'm a kid and I was trying to kiss Suzie.
Go easy on me, now.
[SCREAMS.]
- Yeah, get him! - Kick his ass, Tommy! [GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Aah! No, Tommy! No! Not a No, not ag [GRUNTS.]
Aah! Okay, Tommy, that's enough.
Tommy, don't! Oh, Tommy! Damn! Help me, please, someone.
Who's bad now, bitch? Ohh! [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah! - Yeah! Whoa.
That felt good.
Wow, Ganly, you're a pussy.
Not like Tommy.
He's a bad boy.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
Wait.
Dad? [COUGHS.]
Yeah? You just got beat up by your own son? [LAUGHS.]
that's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen, Goodman.
That's Deputy Goodman.
What?! A cop! And you are under arrest.
I ain't going to jail! Die, you pig! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Sheriff? And my legs? Let go of my hockey sticks! [BOTH SHOUTING.]
Aah! I'm blind! Aah! Aah! My arms! - Huh? - Huh? [CRYING.]
Dude! Can't believe they put your legs on the wrong body, Goodman.
- Mrs.
Pickles? - So cool.
- Uh, I'm over here, Sheriff.
- Huh? Well, thanks for dinner, Mrs.
Goodman.
I should skedaddle.
See you in the morning, Deputy.
Hopefully, that is.
Oh, Sheriff.
Let me help you.
Don't worry, dear.
Let me.
- Oh.
- Dad, can I have the keys? I wanna take Suzie to make-out point.
Uh, Tommy, please.
You're too young to drive Oh, Tommy, don't hurt me, okay?! M-o-a-m-m-a Momma named me Sheriff, momma named me Sheriff Tommy: After this, let's have sex, Suzie.
No, you pervert! Ow! Momma named me Sheriff Momma, she named me Sheriff