Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
Justine.
Did you sleep all right? - Eventually, thanks.
- I missed you.
Come back to bed.
Are you sure? I'm sorry, there's no need to quarrel, Especially when I've come all this way.
I only wanted to know who was looking after the restaurant.
What? You're asking me who's looking after the restaurant? I just meant- ( sighing ) it's okay.
Let's just forget about it.
Let's just ( sighs ) Yeah, let's.
Archie: We make a right pair, don't we? Justine: A good pair, I thought.
Let's make the most of the next couple of days, huh? I'd like that.
Just the two of us.
( clears throat ) Sorry.
You've got visitors.
Who is it? Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp family.
( theme music playing ) - Just hold that there.
- Katrina.
Good morning.
Shona Mr.
MacDonald, We'd like to thank you, on behalf of the school, For your generosity In donating land for our new gym, Which will be a valuable resource For the whole community of Glenbogle.
Why, thank you.
- That's you wearing a kilt.
- All right.
Thanks.
I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot.
And I was thinking, If you really want a hand with the estate accounts, I'd be happy to help out Until you got someone better.
No, no, you'd be great.
I'll take you up on that.
Okay kids, say goodbye to Mr.
MacDonald.
All: Goodbye, Mr.
MacDonald.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Thanks, that was really nice.
Archie? Oh, sweetheart, I was just- I thought you were never coming.
Morning.
Aren't you going to introduce me? Oh, right.
Um Justine, this is Katrina.
Katrina, Justine.
Hi.
So, what are you two going to do today? - Hunting? Fishing? - Definitely not.
The business with the hook, in the fish's mouth.
Actually, I thought we'd just hang out together.
Hang what out? Take no notice of my husband, Justine.
He's a very rude man.
Quality time.
You know.
Is this- Porridge.
Is it gluten free? ( sighs ) Archie: Justine, are you sure about those shoes? No, but I certainly wasn't putting my feet Into your dad's old wellies.
They can go for a walk on their own.
Oh, aren't they sweet, Hector? Do you remember when we were like that, Star-crossed young lovers? Molly, please, act your age.
Why don't we hang out together? Just like them? Well why? What would be the point of that? What do you think of her, then? A bit gothic.
A bit forbidding.
A bit of a monstrosity.
Monstrosity? I can see you're very attached to it.
You must admit, it is like the house in "Psycho.
" Remind me not to have a shower.
That's all right, 'cause there aren't any.
Not just yet, anyway.
Now, who's that, then? What's he up to? Hector: Morning, boys.
Long time, no see.
A bit busy, then? Quiet of late, sir.
Since we finished the nuclear power plant.
Right, jolly good.
I'll lead on, then.
Just wait here, will you, Justine? - I'll be back in a minute.
- Archie!? Where are you going? I want to talk to you! ( insects buzzing ) Ooh-ugh.
Biting things! Man: Eight foot Four inches.
I've never understood this modern obsession For having a lavatory within five feet of the bed.
Weak bladder, weak mind.
Quite.
- What's going on? - MacSween brothers, Archie.
Probably last saw the boy in short trousers.
Aye.
Father, can I have a word? Yeah.
Archie! What are you doing? You said we needed builders to tart the place up For your precious paying guests.
So I telephoned the MacSweens.
- But father- - I thought you'd be pleased.
It's what you wanted.
Well, yes but Are they any good? - They're very reasonable.
- They're not, are they? Don't tell me they're the ones that did the rewiring? Their family has done all the maintenance on the house since the war.
Good heavens.
Their great grandfather built it.
I was going to get a firm in from Inverness, Edinburgh even, somewhere with a bit more- One thing about being the Laird, You spend close to home, support local people.
That way, you keep the peace, all right? Very well.
One condition.
I'm in charge.
I supervise everything.
All right.
- Golly? - Uh-huh.
Can I ask you something? Wish you would.
You've been building up to it all day.
Well, the thing is, I've got two tickets to the ball.
Ach, that's awful sweet of you, Duncan, But, I have to wash the dogs tomorrow night.
No.
- The thing is- - you want to take Lexie, But you don't know how to ask her.
How did you know that? Just tell her you want to take her.
But how? Oh, Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.
Just tell her that she's The bonniest lass north of Perth And you want to prove it by taking her To the premier event in Scotland's social calendar.
Right.
Okay.
That's it.
Hello? It's me.
Are we on, then? Ooh, you terrible man.
I feel wonderfully conspiratorial.
See you in a trice.
I feel pretty oh, so pretty I feel pretty- You look it.
Thank you.
What's an old maid to do? Are you going out? - Yes, dear.
- You go out Fridays.
Poodle 'round Inverness fridays.
- I know.
- Today isn't Friday.
Where would we be without your razor-like intelligence, dear? ( door closes ) Now, this is important.
Not this room, okay? - Not this room.
- I'll put a cross on it.
- Blasphemy.
- Sideways cross.
- All right? - Nothing that a hot bath And some hydrocortizone won't fix.
Right.
These five bedrooms, right here ( car honks ) Ah, that shocked ya right enough, eh? Geordie, what's this? Is it new? A gambling debt.
It was either this, or a full set of broken fingers.
How thrilling.
You're joking? That's the thing with Geordie McCann, You never quite know.
She's a beauty, eh? - Ohh.
- And look, shoes to match.
Oh, my.
Leather.
Italian.
- Hand-tooled.
- They look it.
You've got to hand it to the Italians, They know about style.
What can I say, Geordie? You've done it again.
Lexie? What are you Doing? Nothing fancy.
Just a leg of mince.
You won't be cooking tomorrow night.
It's my night off too.
What do you want me to do, bake you a cake? It's the Glenbogle Ball.
Would you- Would you like to come with me? With you? Why would I want to do that? Because you're the bonniest lass north of Perth, And I want to prove it by taking you To the premier event in Scotland's social calendar.
Oh, I see.
- Did you get that guff from Golly? - No.
Um Yes.
Right.
Okay.
- What? - I'll come with you.
Oh, right.
Yes! Every single time, Lewis.
Do I have to show you everything? You do the humpin', I'll do the thinkin' Archie? - You're great at that.
- Brothers Who needs 'em.
Archie? - Hector: Who's there? - It's me.
Hector: Who's that? Oh, it's you.
I was looking for Archie, and I found his old room.
- It's Jamie's.
- Jamie? Archie's brother.
Brother? I never knew he had- He died, some years ago.
I'm very sorry.
Look, this is private.
No one comes in here except Molly and me.
I didn't mean to intrude.
There's really nothing much to see, anyways.
It's just full of Old things.
Sorry.
Who did that? Damn useless.
Archie, do you know why I came up here? To ravish my body? Would be nice to get the chance.
I came to see what you were doing here, And if you were coming back.
- Of course I'm coming back.
- Are you? Justine, there's things to be done here - the renovation.
I've got to get a business structure sorted.
But, it won't take long.
We'll soon be together again.
You never told me about Jamie, either.
What happened? It's a long story.
I'll tell you another time, okay? Right.
Tell me about Katrina, then.
Katrina? Archie?! Justine, they're only sheep.
What about when you get Foot and mouth, and Lyme's disease? - Ooh.
- Justine.
- ( bleating ) - Git, git.
- Morning.
- All right? It's okay, love.
Their baas are worse than their bite.
( chuckling ) ( whimpers ) ( car approaches ) ( door closes ) Molly: Thank you, darling.
I had a wonderful time.
Did ya, duchess? And thank you for the tips.
Archie and Justine Didn't sleep together last night.
He slept there.
I'm sure that's nobody's business but theirs, Lexie.
Really? Come to take him back to London, you know? And we can't have that.
He's our Archie, isn't he? This is very good of you.
I really think we ought to pay you something.
I wouldn't hear of it.
Destroy your political cred, would it? Doing Laird's accounts as well as taking his money? You could do a lot more with it Than spend it on me, you know? I might, if I had any.
Someone like yourself with energy and a sense of responsibility- A radical Laird.
There's so much to be done here For the community.
People like you and me should work together.
( floor creaks ) Justine.
You feeling better? Marginally.
Hello, again.
How 'bout some tea? Where are they? In the library.
You know, where I come from, Only drug dealers drive foxy vehicles like that.
Oh, well.
Can't stand around gossiping all day.
I'm in a pickle in a stew.
I'm here to throw myself on your charity and generosity.
You are jesting.
You're as rich as Croesus.
Whatever's the matter, Kilwillie? I've done a deal with these Fujiyama car people, For them to take over my place for three days, So they can show their latest model to the press.
I've got 50 journalists coming to get wined and dined And play "Damon Hill" on the mountain roads.
What a great way to diversify income.
Molly: So? They were due to come the day after tomorrow.
But they've just rung up today and said now they want to come tomorrow- Put on a special dinner in the evening.
- But tomorrow night's the ball.
- I know.
It's obvious what you must do, Kilwillie.
Tell them to take a running jump into Yokohama Bay.
Kilwillie: I can't, old man.
They've given me 50 grand and a brand new motor, And I want them to come back next year.
I warned you.
This is exactly the kind of curse you call upon your head When you sign a compact with the devil commerce.
Be realistic, father.
Kilwillie's doing exactly what he has to.
So, when you said you were throwing yourself on our thingammies Well, I was just wondering- Oh, no! If you could possibly see your way to- Absolutely and definitely not! But you always used to have the ball here until Jamie- It's too much to ask, Kilwillie.
One day's notice, the dust.
The thing is, we've got the builders in.
Well, sort of builders.
Oh, dear.
Katrina: But you can't cancel the ball.
The whole community's looking forward to it so much.
- ( sighs ) - I'm sorry, we're going to have to say no.
Hang on.
I could do it.
What? With everyone's help.
- Justine.
- Come on.
We run a restaurant.
I used to organize events just like this.
It's a piece of cake, provided you've got leadership.
Oh, I say.
Now listen here Let's start with the basics.
Okay, Nice space.
The dancing could be here.
There's a band? Kind of secondhand Jimmy Shand.
Band will go there.
Food in the dining room, bar in the library.
- There's outside caterers? - What a marvelous girl.
Justine: I'll give them a call in the morning, Sort out the other details then.
If you really think you can do it.
I wash my hands of the whole business.
She's completely marvelous.
Okay, then, why not? If everyone pitches in.
Maybe Katrina can help me tomorrow? Me? For the sake of the community.
After all, there's so much to be done here.
People like you and me should work together.
( sheep bleating ) Katrina: Who's that? It's me.
Who's me? Me, you daft gowk.
Alan.
Make yourself at home, why don't you? Doing my best.
Got any hobnobs? You really take the biscuit, you know that? What are you doing here? Fact-finding mission.
New policy document on agriculture, The plight of crofters and tenant farmers.
So the party sends its spin doctor-in-chief And he just happens to come to my glen.
Smells fishy to me.
Any chance of a bed for a weary traveler? I'll get you a pillow for the sofa.
( thuds ) Oh, Hector, what can I do for you? Who were you gallivanting with this afternoon? Just a friend.
We don't have any friends who own off-white Rolls Royces.
We don't, but I do.
Who is he? His name is Geordie.
He's my bookie.
Your what? My turf accountant.
Good god.
What do you get up to together? Well, what do you think? You are shameless.
I don't know what to say to you.
Tell me I'm a jezebel.
I've always wanted to be called that.
( Molly laughs ) This must cease with immediate effect.
- Do you understand? - Oh, don't be so stuffy.
We're just good friends.
Aren't you staying? I'm going to my room To consider my position.
- ( metallic clang ) - Hector: Aah! Are you all right? Blasted builders! - ( chuckles ) - ( door slams ) I'm so sorry.
Perhaps you'd prefer it if I retrieved your stick? Sometimes I wonder what the point of you two is.
( deep sigh ) Can't see it.
Can you? Just wood.
I've decided.
This was a tick.
Cross was down there.
Well, let's get to work.
Hey, teach.
Off to indoctrinate young minds, are you? Ha, you should have your own show.
Anyway, it's Saturday, You, whose finger's on the nation's pulse.
Can I buy you dinner tonight, For old times' sake? Which old times would they be? The time I found you in bed with somebody else? Come on, where did you sleep last night, The knife drawer? Life's too short for this.
I'm out tonight.
I do have a social life.
Where are you going? If you must know, I'm going to a ball, at Glenbogle House.
A ball?! My, my.
Aren't you the social climber? ( door slams ) Molly, these are beautiful.
I stopped buying clothes years ago, When the money ran out.
I don't even buy knickers any more.
Really? So? I just don't bother wearing them.
Molly.
It's wonderful.
I do recommend it.
It's rather a splendid thing, Making sensual discoveries at my time of life.
Oh, this is exquisite.
Mind you, I don't think Hector's noticed.
Givenchy, 1959.
Oh, this is sweet, too.
Dior, 1963.
Oh, and I had this made for Jamie's christening.
I can still get into it, you know.
Molly, you are a marvel.
No, I'm not.
Oh, you are sweet.
I'd like to see some photos Of Jamie and Archie when they were little.
So would I.
We have some of Archie, But the best ones of Jamie disappeared years ago.
No.
Such a pity, they just sort of got lost.
So, which one is it to be? ( bleating ) Morning.
Taking the beasts to market? Taking them walkies, you mean.
Different pasture every day.
It's not good for them, you know.
I'm trying to fatten them up, Not put 'em through a Jane Fonda exercise course.
Have you got a problem? Landlord-type problem.
Toffee-nosed git called Kilwillie.
You're a shepherd From Liverpool? Birkenhead.
Something wrong with that? Not at all.
I embrace the vision of the new Scotland Being a healthy, multicultural and Truly modern society.
So, what's this about your landlord? No, nothing fancy.
Just all the regular numbers.
( footsteps ) Okay, great.
Thanks a lot.
Bye.
Katrina, how are you getting on? Managed to sort out the band yet? It wasn't easy, but I managed it in the end.
I'm just doing the accounts now.
So kind of you to help Archie out Until he gets some professional help.
What- what the hell are you doing?! This room must never be touched! - Mr.
Hector - What's happening? - The boys, they've done the wrong room.
- The cross had gone.
- What? - Ticks and crosses, all gone.
- You clowns! Our son's room! - Come on, Hector.
I want this room exactly as you found it.
You were supposed to be in charge.
"I'll supervise it all," you said.
The old story.
- Why is it you always let me down? - Come on, come away.
We found something.
The skirting by the fireplace was loose.
Someone must have hid it years back.
"J.
M.
" it must have been Jamie.
What is it? They found this in Jamie's room.
Archie? ( door slams ) Golly: Eh Come with me, lass.
There's something you should know.
Molly: All his old things.
School reports.
Golly: Jamie was the older of the two boys.
Good at everything he touched.
He could shoot better than me, Fish better than his father.
Wasn't short of brains neither.
The golden boy.
It wasn't easy for Archie to live up to him, Especially when he knew how much Hector doted on Jamie.
But Archie didn't resent him.
He couldn't.
What happened? Ah, well One summer, Archie was 14, Jamie 18, about to go to Oxford, And they came out here one day In Hector's old dinghy.
Calm as a millpond.
Then Archie Started acting the goat.
Leaping up and down in the prow.
The top and the bottom was he capsized the thing.
So in they went, Which was not a problem as they could both Swim like fishes.
But They had a dog with them, Hector's old labrador, and she- She panicked and went under.
Now Jamie took a mouthful of air and swam after her, Just as Archie was climbing on to the boat.
And He never came back up.
Yeah.
The police divers Found him six hours later, Caught up in the weeds by that inlet there.
You know something? It was the day of the Glenbogle Ball.
I had to stand out front, Receive all these folk in their finery- Explain what had happened over and over again.
Molly cried for a year.
Hector never shed a tear, so she said.
As for Archie and his father, well How could things ever be the same again? I'm, uh, Glad we found these old things.
It's good to have them.
Dear boy.
When will I be free of it, mother? Archie, get on with your life.
Take your girl to the ball.
Be happy.
Come on, Lewis.
Come on.
Here, boys.
It wasn't your fault.
Thanks, ma'am.
( chattering workmen ) Archie, I Come on, I'll give you a lift.
What can I say to you, Archie? Only that I'm sorry.
My mother says "Get on with your life, Archie," But sometimes I don't know what my life is, you know? It's not just you wondering that.
I know.
I'm so privileged, but- ( deep sigh ) Thanks, Katrina.
Listen, I'd better go.
The ball.
( car door closes ) ( car starts ) So, that's the Laird of Glenbogle.
The dashing young dinosaur.
At least he's trying to evolve.
Unlike some.
( cabinet slams ) ( chuckling ) ( music playing ) Those chaps all right? They seem to be murdering a perfectly good tune.
Oh, lovely, my dear, You look lovely.
Back in a minute.
Back in a kilt, I hope? Mr.
And Mrs.
David Muir.
First guests, get in line.
Oh, my boy.
Check him out.
Straight off a shortbread tin.
What are you doing? Well done.
Almost got rid of the stench of deer guts.
You're such bricks.
Um, this is, er, mister- These are two gentlemen from Fujiyama.
Ah.
And, er, they're both very anxious to know - What a Caledonian ball is really like.
- Ah.
Ooh! Archie! Kilwillie's daughter, Flora.
The two old fellas always dreamed about it- Uniting two ancient bloodlines With Laurel and Hardy there.
Mr.
Geordie McCann.
Ah, you'll be the husband then? Allegedly.
Well, duchess, may I have the pleasure? Don't worry about me.
I'm only a cripple anyway.
Kilwillie, I need the stiffest drink This side of the Arctic.
Come on, Ginger Rogers.
Strut your stuff.
Lewis: Our father would choke in his grave If he could see us now In a house of dissolution.
Among devil's cavortings And godless Sassenachs.
Lewis, you're my brother and my partner, But you're a pure blind bigot.
Here, give us another dram.
Hello, lass.
Hi.
You look the part.
I don't feel it.
Miss Katrina Finlay.
Katrina.
Everything okay? What a sweet little dress.
Does wonders for you.
Just goes to show what a bit of color will do.
Thank you, Justine.
I suppose you'd know all about that With your complexion.
Right, boys.
Ready for a spot of direct action? What, like chinning the little git? That's too easy.
The way to get at folk, like this Kilwillie, Is to embarrass him in front of his social peers.
So, I see You brought the, er- ( sheep bleating, blends into bagpipes) ( bagpipes softer ) Macsween: Can you not hear other pipes? Far away? Like the ghosts of a battle Fought and lost, long ago.
Ah, you've no poetry in you.
Lachie, You're my brother and my partner, But I hate your guts.
( bagpipes stop ) Ahh.
Oh, hello.
Could I have one of those? You disapprove of women drinking whisky? Only if they don't really like it And are just trying to make a point.
Then it's a sad waste.
Ah, not apparently on this occasion.
You disapprove of me though, don't you, Hector? Just for the record- I approve of you.
You say what you think.
And I'm sorry about Jamie.
Why should you be sorry? You never knew him.
No, but His death still hurts someone I care about, So I'm sorry.
And, I understand a little.
I once lost a child.
A miscarriage.
Years ago.
Even Archie doesn't know.
The world is never the same again, is it? No.
So You want to marry my son, do you? I don't give a damn about marrying him.
I'd like to go on living with him.
I'd like to have children with him.
Would you now? If that's what he wants.
I'm not sure that he does.
Ah.
Justine, you know, You're not actually such a bad chap.
( door opens ) There you are, child.
Will you Come and have a canter with me? ( door closes ) ( sheep bleating ) Archie MacDonald.
A dinosaur about to become extinct.
Oh, there you are.
Hector: Aye.
If you're looking for Justine, She's having her feet flattened by Kilwillie.
I know.
Everything all right between you two? I don't know.
Hmm.
Your mother still dancing with that bookie fella? Yes.
Everything all right between you two? I don't know.
Have a drink.
Women, eh? Indeed.
Well, I'm glad we agree about something.
Where have you been? Come on.
No, Flora, I can't.
Thank you.
Are you all right? They seem to be playing our song.
Thursday afternoons.
Miss MacPherson.
Smelly socks and overcooked cabbage.
I used to hate that lesson.
Scottish country dancing.
You never had the right partner.
Maureen MacLeod always nabbed you.
It's a fine ball, old man.
Are you all right? Every man has his breaking point, Kilwillie.
Right.
You want plumbing? You'll get bloody plumbing.
The windows of heaven were opened And there was rain upon the earth.
Katrina: Thanks for that, Archie.
In the olden days chiefs like Archie Could do what they want with their kinsmen's women.
Sowed more seeds than a Massey Ferguson.
No wonder we kept losing to the English.
Ooh, Duncan! Ha, ha.
So who is this Alan chap? Katrina, perhaps you'd like to take a look at the buffet, Make sure they don't run out of chicken legs? Justine, I think maybe you're the expert in the chicken legs department.
Now, come on, girls, let's just be friends.
- Keep out of this! - Shut up! Wonderful.
Now I must go and find Hector.
I thought your first duty was to your guests? You're a lovely man, Geordie, An even lovelier bookie.
But Hector, you see, he's my husband.
Ach, you're wasted on him.
Unhand my wife, sir! Hector, don't be so stupid.
I demand you stop this malarkey right now.
Don't be daft, old timer.
You, sir, are an appalling little oik! Hector! Father.
( sheep bleating ) ( screaming ) Ooh! Lord Kilwillie, While you're here enjoying yourself, Your tenants and their stock are suffering.
You're a parasite and a leech, And decent folk want you out.
- Out, out - out, out.
Just get out! Get out! Baa.
( screaming ) No, right, come on, over here.
Whoa Lexie! ( sarcastically ) ha, ha.
Wild party, old man.
Katrina Katrina Katrina, come on.
Good night, Justine.
I hope you enjoyed our little entertainment.
Hector: Good night, Jamie.
Father, I'm not Jamie.
I never was.
I never will be.
I'm me.
My name is Archie, okay? Your rebuke is merited.
I apologize to you.
I'll say good night.
Sleep well, Justine.
I'm leaving in the morning.
Are you coming? Justine, I can't.
You know I can't.
The building work, the house, everything.
It's not that.
You know, I know.
There are things to be settled.
But they're all in here.
I'm right, aren't I? Okay.
So, I'll wait for you.
- Thanks.
- But not forever.
I love you, Archie, But I won't wait forever.
And stay away from Katrina or I'll kill you.
Hector: I don't want you to see that bookie fella again, - Do you hear me? - Don't be absurd, Hector.
- He's my friend.
- I forbid it.
Well, I shall just have to defy you then.
Oh, Molly.
After all we've been through together.
I care for you! You care more for your terriers than you do for me.
I need you.
I love you.
Well, if you do, Perhaps the lesson of tonight's horribly embarrassing, But in its way, rather wonderful scene, Is that you need to show it rather more.
I'll say good night.
Won't you stay a little? You looked so wonderful in that frock tonight.
Is it new? It was A quarter of a century ago.
( Hector laughing ) Hector: Darling.
( kissing noises ) ( Hector laughs ) ( Molly giggles ) Molly: Take that wicked smile off your face.
Hector: No, I won't.
( laughing ) ( theme music playing )
Did you sleep all right? - Eventually, thanks.
- I missed you.
Come back to bed.
Are you sure? I'm sorry, there's no need to quarrel, Especially when I've come all this way.
I only wanted to know who was looking after the restaurant.
What? You're asking me who's looking after the restaurant? I just meant- ( sighing ) it's okay.
Let's just forget about it.
Let's just ( sighs ) Yeah, let's.
Archie: We make a right pair, don't we? Justine: A good pair, I thought.
Let's make the most of the next couple of days, huh? I'd like that.
Just the two of us.
( clears throat ) Sorry.
You've got visitors.
Who is it? Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp family.
( theme music playing ) - Just hold that there.
- Katrina.
Good morning.
Shona Mr.
MacDonald, We'd like to thank you, on behalf of the school, For your generosity In donating land for our new gym, Which will be a valuable resource For the whole community of Glenbogle.
Why, thank you.
- That's you wearing a kilt.
- All right.
Thanks.
I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot.
And I was thinking, If you really want a hand with the estate accounts, I'd be happy to help out Until you got someone better.
No, no, you'd be great.
I'll take you up on that.
Okay kids, say goodbye to Mr.
MacDonald.
All: Goodbye, Mr.
MacDonald.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Thanks, that was really nice.
Archie? Oh, sweetheart, I was just- I thought you were never coming.
Morning.
Aren't you going to introduce me? Oh, right.
Um Justine, this is Katrina.
Katrina, Justine.
Hi.
So, what are you two going to do today? - Hunting? Fishing? - Definitely not.
The business with the hook, in the fish's mouth.
Actually, I thought we'd just hang out together.
Hang what out? Take no notice of my husband, Justine.
He's a very rude man.
Quality time.
You know.
Is this- Porridge.
Is it gluten free? ( sighs ) Archie: Justine, are you sure about those shoes? No, but I certainly wasn't putting my feet Into your dad's old wellies.
They can go for a walk on their own.
Oh, aren't they sweet, Hector? Do you remember when we were like that, Star-crossed young lovers? Molly, please, act your age.
Why don't we hang out together? Just like them? Well why? What would be the point of that? What do you think of her, then? A bit gothic.
A bit forbidding.
A bit of a monstrosity.
Monstrosity? I can see you're very attached to it.
You must admit, it is like the house in "Psycho.
" Remind me not to have a shower.
That's all right, 'cause there aren't any.
Not just yet, anyway.
Now, who's that, then? What's he up to? Hector: Morning, boys.
Long time, no see.
A bit busy, then? Quiet of late, sir.
Since we finished the nuclear power plant.
Right, jolly good.
I'll lead on, then.
Just wait here, will you, Justine? - I'll be back in a minute.
- Archie!? Where are you going? I want to talk to you! ( insects buzzing ) Ooh-ugh.
Biting things! Man: Eight foot Four inches.
I've never understood this modern obsession For having a lavatory within five feet of the bed.
Weak bladder, weak mind.
Quite.
- What's going on? - MacSween brothers, Archie.
Probably last saw the boy in short trousers.
Aye.
Father, can I have a word? Yeah.
Archie! What are you doing? You said we needed builders to tart the place up For your precious paying guests.
So I telephoned the MacSweens.
- But father- - I thought you'd be pleased.
It's what you wanted.
Well, yes but Are they any good? - They're very reasonable.
- They're not, are they? Don't tell me they're the ones that did the rewiring? Their family has done all the maintenance on the house since the war.
Good heavens.
Their great grandfather built it.
I was going to get a firm in from Inverness, Edinburgh even, somewhere with a bit more- One thing about being the Laird, You spend close to home, support local people.
That way, you keep the peace, all right? Very well.
One condition.
I'm in charge.
I supervise everything.
All right.
- Golly? - Uh-huh.
Can I ask you something? Wish you would.
You've been building up to it all day.
Well, the thing is, I've got two tickets to the ball.
Ach, that's awful sweet of you, Duncan, But, I have to wash the dogs tomorrow night.
No.
- The thing is- - you want to take Lexie, But you don't know how to ask her.
How did you know that? Just tell her you want to take her.
But how? Oh, Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.
Just tell her that she's The bonniest lass north of Perth And you want to prove it by taking her To the premier event in Scotland's social calendar.
Right.
Okay.
That's it.
Hello? It's me.
Are we on, then? Ooh, you terrible man.
I feel wonderfully conspiratorial.
See you in a trice.
I feel pretty oh, so pretty I feel pretty- You look it.
Thank you.
What's an old maid to do? Are you going out? - Yes, dear.
- You go out Fridays.
Poodle 'round Inverness fridays.
- I know.
- Today isn't Friday.
Where would we be without your razor-like intelligence, dear? ( door closes ) Now, this is important.
Not this room, okay? - Not this room.
- I'll put a cross on it.
- Blasphemy.
- Sideways cross.
- All right? - Nothing that a hot bath And some hydrocortizone won't fix.
Right.
These five bedrooms, right here ( car honks ) Ah, that shocked ya right enough, eh? Geordie, what's this? Is it new? A gambling debt.
It was either this, or a full set of broken fingers.
How thrilling.
You're joking? That's the thing with Geordie McCann, You never quite know.
She's a beauty, eh? - Ohh.
- And look, shoes to match.
Oh, my.
Leather.
Italian.
- Hand-tooled.
- They look it.
You've got to hand it to the Italians, They know about style.
What can I say, Geordie? You've done it again.
Lexie? What are you Doing? Nothing fancy.
Just a leg of mince.
You won't be cooking tomorrow night.
It's my night off too.
What do you want me to do, bake you a cake? It's the Glenbogle Ball.
Would you- Would you like to come with me? With you? Why would I want to do that? Because you're the bonniest lass north of Perth, And I want to prove it by taking you To the premier event in Scotland's social calendar.
Oh, I see.
- Did you get that guff from Golly? - No.
Um Yes.
Right.
Okay.
- What? - I'll come with you.
Oh, right.
Yes! Every single time, Lewis.
Do I have to show you everything? You do the humpin', I'll do the thinkin' Archie? - You're great at that.
- Brothers Who needs 'em.
Archie? - Hector: Who's there? - It's me.
Hector: Who's that? Oh, it's you.
I was looking for Archie, and I found his old room.
- It's Jamie's.
- Jamie? Archie's brother.
Brother? I never knew he had- He died, some years ago.
I'm very sorry.
Look, this is private.
No one comes in here except Molly and me.
I didn't mean to intrude.
There's really nothing much to see, anyways.
It's just full of Old things.
Sorry.
Who did that? Damn useless.
Archie, do you know why I came up here? To ravish my body? Would be nice to get the chance.
I came to see what you were doing here, And if you were coming back.
- Of course I'm coming back.
- Are you? Justine, there's things to be done here - the renovation.
I've got to get a business structure sorted.
But, it won't take long.
We'll soon be together again.
You never told me about Jamie, either.
What happened? It's a long story.
I'll tell you another time, okay? Right.
Tell me about Katrina, then.
Katrina? Archie?! Justine, they're only sheep.
What about when you get Foot and mouth, and Lyme's disease? - Ooh.
- Justine.
- ( bleating ) - Git, git.
- Morning.
- All right? It's okay, love.
Their baas are worse than their bite.
( chuckling ) ( whimpers ) ( car approaches ) ( door closes ) Molly: Thank you, darling.
I had a wonderful time.
Did ya, duchess? And thank you for the tips.
Archie and Justine Didn't sleep together last night.
He slept there.
I'm sure that's nobody's business but theirs, Lexie.
Really? Come to take him back to London, you know? And we can't have that.
He's our Archie, isn't he? This is very good of you.
I really think we ought to pay you something.
I wouldn't hear of it.
Destroy your political cred, would it? Doing Laird's accounts as well as taking his money? You could do a lot more with it Than spend it on me, you know? I might, if I had any.
Someone like yourself with energy and a sense of responsibility- A radical Laird.
There's so much to be done here For the community.
People like you and me should work together.
( floor creaks ) Justine.
You feeling better? Marginally.
Hello, again.
How 'bout some tea? Where are they? In the library.
You know, where I come from, Only drug dealers drive foxy vehicles like that.
Oh, well.
Can't stand around gossiping all day.
I'm in a pickle in a stew.
I'm here to throw myself on your charity and generosity.
You are jesting.
You're as rich as Croesus.
Whatever's the matter, Kilwillie? I've done a deal with these Fujiyama car people, For them to take over my place for three days, So they can show their latest model to the press.
I've got 50 journalists coming to get wined and dined And play "Damon Hill" on the mountain roads.
What a great way to diversify income.
Molly: So? They were due to come the day after tomorrow.
But they've just rung up today and said now they want to come tomorrow- Put on a special dinner in the evening.
- But tomorrow night's the ball.
- I know.
It's obvious what you must do, Kilwillie.
Tell them to take a running jump into Yokohama Bay.
Kilwillie: I can't, old man.
They've given me 50 grand and a brand new motor, And I want them to come back next year.
I warned you.
This is exactly the kind of curse you call upon your head When you sign a compact with the devil commerce.
Be realistic, father.
Kilwillie's doing exactly what he has to.
So, when you said you were throwing yourself on our thingammies Well, I was just wondering- Oh, no! If you could possibly see your way to- Absolutely and definitely not! But you always used to have the ball here until Jamie- It's too much to ask, Kilwillie.
One day's notice, the dust.
The thing is, we've got the builders in.
Well, sort of builders.
Oh, dear.
Katrina: But you can't cancel the ball.
The whole community's looking forward to it so much.
- ( sighs ) - I'm sorry, we're going to have to say no.
Hang on.
I could do it.
What? With everyone's help.
- Justine.
- Come on.
We run a restaurant.
I used to organize events just like this.
It's a piece of cake, provided you've got leadership.
Oh, I say.
Now listen here Let's start with the basics.
Okay, Nice space.
The dancing could be here.
There's a band? Kind of secondhand Jimmy Shand.
Band will go there.
Food in the dining room, bar in the library.
- There's outside caterers? - What a marvelous girl.
Justine: I'll give them a call in the morning, Sort out the other details then.
If you really think you can do it.
I wash my hands of the whole business.
She's completely marvelous.
Okay, then, why not? If everyone pitches in.
Maybe Katrina can help me tomorrow? Me? For the sake of the community.
After all, there's so much to be done here.
People like you and me should work together.
( sheep bleating ) Katrina: Who's that? It's me.
Who's me? Me, you daft gowk.
Alan.
Make yourself at home, why don't you? Doing my best.
Got any hobnobs? You really take the biscuit, you know that? What are you doing here? Fact-finding mission.
New policy document on agriculture, The plight of crofters and tenant farmers.
So the party sends its spin doctor-in-chief And he just happens to come to my glen.
Smells fishy to me.
Any chance of a bed for a weary traveler? I'll get you a pillow for the sofa.
( thuds ) Oh, Hector, what can I do for you? Who were you gallivanting with this afternoon? Just a friend.
We don't have any friends who own off-white Rolls Royces.
We don't, but I do.
Who is he? His name is Geordie.
He's my bookie.
Your what? My turf accountant.
Good god.
What do you get up to together? Well, what do you think? You are shameless.
I don't know what to say to you.
Tell me I'm a jezebel.
I've always wanted to be called that.
( Molly laughs ) This must cease with immediate effect.
- Do you understand? - Oh, don't be so stuffy.
We're just good friends.
Aren't you staying? I'm going to my room To consider my position.
- ( metallic clang ) - Hector: Aah! Are you all right? Blasted builders! - ( chuckles ) - ( door slams ) I'm so sorry.
Perhaps you'd prefer it if I retrieved your stick? Sometimes I wonder what the point of you two is.
( deep sigh ) Can't see it.
Can you? Just wood.
I've decided.
This was a tick.
Cross was down there.
Well, let's get to work.
Hey, teach.
Off to indoctrinate young minds, are you? Ha, you should have your own show.
Anyway, it's Saturday, You, whose finger's on the nation's pulse.
Can I buy you dinner tonight, For old times' sake? Which old times would they be? The time I found you in bed with somebody else? Come on, where did you sleep last night, The knife drawer? Life's too short for this.
I'm out tonight.
I do have a social life.
Where are you going? If you must know, I'm going to a ball, at Glenbogle House.
A ball?! My, my.
Aren't you the social climber? ( door slams ) Molly, these are beautiful.
I stopped buying clothes years ago, When the money ran out.
I don't even buy knickers any more.
Really? So? I just don't bother wearing them.
Molly.
It's wonderful.
I do recommend it.
It's rather a splendid thing, Making sensual discoveries at my time of life.
Oh, this is exquisite.
Mind you, I don't think Hector's noticed.
Givenchy, 1959.
Oh, this is sweet, too.
Dior, 1963.
Oh, and I had this made for Jamie's christening.
I can still get into it, you know.
Molly, you are a marvel.
No, I'm not.
Oh, you are sweet.
I'd like to see some photos Of Jamie and Archie when they were little.
So would I.
We have some of Archie, But the best ones of Jamie disappeared years ago.
No.
Such a pity, they just sort of got lost.
So, which one is it to be? ( bleating ) Morning.
Taking the beasts to market? Taking them walkies, you mean.
Different pasture every day.
It's not good for them, you know.
I'm trying to fatten them up, Not put 'em through a Jane Fonda exercise course.
Have you got a problem? Landlord-type problem.
Toffee-nosed git called Kilwillie.
You're a shepherd From Liverpool? Birkenhead.
Something wrong with that? Not at all.
I embrace the vision of the new Scotland Being a healthy, multicultural and Truly modern society.
So, what's this about your landlord? No, nothing fancy.
Just all the regular numbers.
( footsteps ) Okay, great.
Thanks a lot.
Bye.
Katrina, how are you getting on? Managed to sort out the band yet? It wasn't easy, but I managed it in the end.
I'm just doing the accounts now.
So kind of you to help Archie out Until he gets some professional help.
What- what the hell are you doing?! This room must never be touched! - Mr.
Hector - What's happening? - The boys, they've done the wrong room.
- The cross had gone.
- What? - Ticks and crosses, all gone.
- You clowns! Our son's room! - Come on, Hector.
I want this room exactly as you found it.
You were supposed to be in charge.
"I'll supervise it all," you said.
The old story.
- Why is it you always let me down? - Come on, come away.
We found something.
The skirting by the fireplace was loose.
Someone must have hid it years back.
"J.
M.
" it must have been Jamie.
What is it? They found this in Jamie's room.
Archie? ( door slams ) Golly: Eh Come with me, lass.
There's something you should know.
Molly: All his old things.
School reports.
Golly: Jamie was the older of the two boys.
Good at everything he touched.
He could shoot better than me, Fish better than his father.
Wasn't short of brains neither.
The golden boy.
It wasn't easy for Archie to live up to him, Especially when he knew how much Hector doted on Jamie.
But Archie didn't resent him.
He couldn't.
What happened? Ah, well One summer, Archie was 14, Jamie 18, about to go to Oxford, And they came out here one day In Hector's old dinghy.
Calm as a millpond.
Then Archie Started acting the goat.
Leaping up and down in the prow.
The top and the bottom was he capsized the thing.
So in they went, Which was not a problem as they could both Swim like fishes.
But They had a dog with them, Hector's old labrador, and she- She panicked and went under.
Now Jamie took a mouthful of air and swam after her, Just as Archie was climbing on to the boat.
And He never came back up.
Yeah.
The police divers Found him six hours later, Caught up in the weeds by that inlet there.
You know something? It was the day of the Glenbogle Ball.
I had to stand out front, Receive all these folk in their finery- Explain what had happened over and over again.
Molly cried for a year.
Hector never shed a tear, so she said.
As for Archie and his father, well How could things ever be the same again? I'm, uh, Glad we found these old things.
It's good to have them.
Dear boy.
When will I be free of it, mother? Archie, get on with your life.
Take your girl to the ball.
Be happy.
Come on, Lewis.
Come on.
Here, boys.
It wasn't your fault.
Thanks, ma'am.
( chattering workmen ) Archie, I Come on, I'll give you a lift.
What can I say to you, Archie? Only that I'm sorry.
My mother says "Get on with your life, Archie," But sometimes I don't know what my life is, you know? It's not just you wondering that.
I know.
I'm so privileged, but- ( deep sigh ) Thanks, Katrina.
Listen, I'd better go.
The ball.
( car door closes ) ( car starts ) So, that's the Laird of Glenbogle.
The dashing young dinosaur.
At least he's trying to evolve.
Unlike some.
( cabinet slams ) ( chuckling ) ( music playing ) Those chaps all right? They seem to be murdering a perfectly good tune.
Oh, lovely, my dear, You look lovely.
Back in a minute.
Back in a kilt, I hope? Mr.
And Mrs.
David Muir.
First guests, get in line.
Oh, my boy.
Check him out.
Straight off a shortbread tin.
What are you doing? Well done.
Almost got rid of the stench of deer guts.
You're such bricks.
Um, this is, er, mister- These are two gentlemen from Fujiyama.
Ah.
And, er, they're both very anxious to know - What a Caledonian ball is really like.
- Ah.
Ooh! Archie! Kilwillie's daughter, Flora.
The two old fellas always dreamed about it- Uniting two ancient bloodlines With Laurel and Hardy there.
Mr.
Geordie McCann.
Ah, you'll be the husband then? Allegedly.
Well, duchess, may I have the pleasure? Don't worry about me.
I'm only a cripple anyway.
Kilwillie, I need the stiffest drink This side of the Arctic.
Come on, Ginger Rogers.
Strut your stuff.
Lewis: Our father would choke in his grave If he could see us now In a house of dissolution.
Among devil's cavortings And godless Sassenachs.
Lewis, you're my brother and my partner, But you're a pure blind bigot.
Here, give us another dram.
Hello, lass.
Hi.
You look the part.
I don't feel it.
Miss Katrina Finlay.
Katrina.
Everything okay? What a sweet little dress.
Does wonders for you.
Just goes to show what a bit of color will do.
Thank you, Justine.
I suppose you'd know all about that With your complexion.
Right, boys.
Ready for a spot of direct action? What, like chinning the little git? That's too easy.
The way to get at folk, like this Kilwillie, Is to embarrass him in front of his social peers.
So, I see You brought the, er- ( sheep bleating, blends into bagpipes) ( bagpipes softer ) Macsween: Can you not hear other pipes? Far away? Like the ghosts of a battle Fought and lost, long ago.
Ah, you've no poetry in you.
Lachie, You're my brother and my partner, But I hate your guts.
( bagpipes stop ) Ahh.
Oh, hello.
Could I have one of those? You disapprove of women drinking whisky? Only if they don't really like it And are just trying to make a point.
Then it's a sad waste.
Ah, not apparently on this occasion.
You disapprove of me though, don't you, Hector? Just for the record- I approve of you.
You say what you think.
And I'm sorry about Jamie.
Why should you be sorry? You never knew him.
No, but His death still hurts someone I care about, So I'm sorry.
And, I understand a little.
I once lost a child.
A miscarriage.
Years ago.
Even Archie doesn't know.
The world is never the same again, is it? No.
So You want to marry my son, do you? I don't give a damn about marrying him.
I'd like to go on living with him.
I'd like to have children with him.
Would you now? If that's what he wants.
I'm not sure that he does.
Ah.
Justine, you know, You're not actually such a bad chap.
( door opens ) There you are, child.
Will you Come and have a canter with me? ( door closes ) ( sheep bleating ) Archie MacDonald.
A dinosaur about to become extinct.
Oh, there you are.
Hector: Aye.
If you're looking for Justine, She's having her feet flattened by Kilwillie.
I know.
Everything all right between you two? I don't know.
Hmm.
Your mother still dancing with that bookie fella? Yes.
Everything all right between you two? I don't know.
Have a drink.
Women, eh? Indeed.
Well, I'm glad we agree about something.
Where have you been? Come on.
No, Flora, I can't.
Thank you.
Are you all right? They seem to be playing our song.
Thursday afternoons.
Miss MacPherson.
Smelly socks and overcooked cabbage.
I used to hate that lesson.
Scottish country dancing.
You never had the right partner.
Maureen MacLeod always nabbed you.
It's a fine ball, old man.
Are you all right? Every man has his breaking point, Kilwillie.
Right.
You want plumbing? You'll get bloody plumbing.
The windows of heaven were opened And there was rain upon the earth.
Katrina: Thanks for that, Archie.
In the olden days chiefs like Archie Could do what they want with their kinsmen's women.
Sowed more seeds than a Massey Ferguson.
No wonder we kept losing to the English.
Ooh, Duncan! Ha, ha.
So who is this Alan chap? Katrina, perhaps you'd like to take a look at the buffet, Make sure they don't run out of chicken legs? Justine, I think maybe you're the expert in the chicken legs department.
Now, come on, girls, let's just be friends.
- Keep out of this! - Shut up! Wonderful.
Now I must go and find Hector.
I thought your first duty was to your guests? You're a lovely man, Geordie, An even lovelier bookie.
But Hector, you see, he's my husband.
Ach, you're wasted on him.
Unhand my wife, sir! Hector, don't be so stupid.
I demand you stop this malarkey right now.
Don't be daft, old timer.
You, sir, are an appalling little oik! Hector! Father.
( sheep bleating ) ( screaming ) Ooh! Lord Kilwillie, While you're here enjoying yourself, Your tenants and their stock are suffering.
You're a parasite and a leech, And decent folk want you out.
- Out, out - out, out.
Just get out! Get out! Baa.
( screaming ) No, right, come on, over here.
Whoa Lexie! ( sarcastically ) ha, ha.
Wild party, old man.
Katrina Katrina Katrina, come on.
Good night, Justine.
I hope you enjoyed our little entertainment.
Hector: Good night, Jamie.
Father, I'm not Jamie.
I never was.
I never will be.
I'm me.
My name is Archie, okay? Your rebuke is merited.
I apologize to you.
I'll say good night.
Sleep well, Justine.
I'm leaving in the morning.
Are you coming? Justine, I can't.
You know I can't.
The building work, the house, everything.
It's not that.
You know, I know.
There are things to be settled.
But they're all in here.
I'm right, aren't I? Okay.
So, I'll wait for you.
- Thanks.
- But not forever.
I love you, Archie, But I won't wait forever.
And stay away from Katrina or I'll kill you.
Hector: I don't want you to see that bookie fella again, - Do you hear me? - Don't be absurd, Hector.
- He's my friend.
- I forbid it.
Well, I shall just have to defy you then.
Oh, Molly.
After all we've been through together.
I care for you! You care more for your terriers than you do for me.
I need you.
I love you.
Well, if you do, Perhaps the lesson of tonight's horribly embarrassing, But in its way, rather wonderful scene, Is that you need to show it rather more.
I'll say good night.
Won't you stay a little? You looked so wonderful in that frock tonight.
Is it new? It was A quarter of a century ago.
( Hector laughing ) Hector: Darling.
( kissing noises ) ( Hector laughs ) ( Molly giggles ) Molly: Take that wicked smile off your face.
Hector: No, I won't.
( laughing ) ( theme music playing )