Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s01e07 Episode Script
Episode 7
( birds chirping ) Match day temperament- I've never had it.
I'm not sure I'm ready, Golly.
I was the same my first time in charge.
But you listen up, son.
Walk tall, walk straight, And look the world right in the eye.
Right, that's good.
Who said that? One of the giants of celtic culture.
What's his name- Robert the Bruce? Robbie Burns? Val Doonican.
Katrina: First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer And all those who have made this election and count Such a smooth and efficient one.
My victory today marks a defining moment In Scottish politics.
Who's Val Doonican? ( theme music playing ) ( telephone ringing ) Hello.
Morning.
I'm just on my way.
What? Oh no.
No, if you're sick, you're sick.
Don't worry, I'll think of something.
You take care of yourself.
Bye.
Lexie: I don't quite get the point in this, Arch.
You're supposed to be the expert in the menu department.
First course, fresh Scottish salmon.
Second course, fresh Scottish grouse.
You've been looking forward to seeing your posh tottie.
Oh! There's one! Lexie, be quiet or I'll send you home.
Sorry, dad.
I won't take you racing out to London either.
Whoa! Ah! I love the smell of cordite in the morning.
You know, I can remember my first Glorious 12th Like it was yesterday.
August, 1938.
Old house was packed.
Bishops, bandleaders, King of Bulgaria, prime minister too.
Old Neville Chamberlain came here on his way to suck up to Hitler.
Hector, we need to get going.
The lad's got to leave with the birds in an hour.
Shall I start the beaters off? No, no, no, Duncan.
I'll do that.
Here You take these.
Morning.
First customer, eh? Sorry? You've come to vote.
No need to ask who for.
Might as well.
- A race you say? - Yes.
With dead grouse as the competitors? Could you possibly direct me towards the point of this exercise? It's organized by a food magazine- The first restaurant to serve grouse to a customer On the first day of the shooting season Wins £5,000 and a feature in the next edition.
What an extraordinarily stupid idea.
What do you mean- food magazine? It would be great publicity for the restaurant.
The business I'm supposed to be running with my girlfriend? Meanwhile, smooth running of the household is disrupted.
I can't wait to get cracking in a proper kitchen for a change.
The last time Lexie went AWOL- When my Aunt Maggie had the temerity to expire suddenly? Golly prepared dinner.
He presented me with an omelette That looked and tasted like a polystyrene tile.
Breakfast.
Eat.
- You're a poppet.
- I try to please.
And you do.
You worried? - I just hope everything goes okay with Archie in the- - of course it will.
Two cooks in the kitchen- it'll be a breeze.
I didn't quite mean that.
Listen, Lennie, these last couple of months, I'd never have got by without you.
I mean it.
I'm very grateful.
No worries But thanks.
Delicious.
Archie, I was just going to call you.
- Listen- - mustn't canvass voters on their way To exercise their democratic prerogative- Even if it is just a council election.
Archie MacDonald.
Thanks.
Archie, I need your help.
Maureen's let me down.
She was gonna help me organize the day.
- "Get the vote out" and that.
- I can't.
Sorry.
You can't? Or you won't? Katrina, I won't be here.
I'm going to London.
Oh- you going to see Justine? I will be seeing Justine.
Well, have a terrific time.
Thanks.
I'll just have to find somebody else then, won't I? Look, I've said I'm sorry.
Could you tell me how you voted, please? Why would I tell you that? It's standard procedure in elections.
It helps the parties keep check on how they're doing.
No, I'm not gonna tell you how I voted.
That's my business.
You didn't vote for me, did you!? ( helicopter whirring ) ( silent ) - Good luck, my boy.
- And you.
- Smash the opposition, okay.
- Yes! ( horn honks ) Arch, isn't this fab? Yeah, great.
( silent ) Ah, may the best man win.
Hector: I wish you all happy hunting And leave you in the very capable hands of Duncan here.
Thanks Hect- Mr.
MacDonald.
Gentlemen, I earnestly hope That you have very good sport here today.
There's loads of birds out there.
"The hills are alive," you might say.
( dog whimpers ) Anyway, if you're ready We'll mosey on out.
Well done, Duncan.
That was jolly good.
Now give them hell.
I earnestly hope.
Kilwillie, I thought you had some fool election today.
Democracy's important, but not that important.
Anyway, the political machine's well-oiled.
What with? Your filthy lucre? Nothing so gross! A few cases of Kilwillie old malt.
Kilwillie.
That's corruption.
No, my dear.
That's politics.
So, shall we to the butts? ( helicopter whirring ) Look, everything's dead wee.
- Confident then? - Publicly, I'm unbeatable.
Privately, I'm gonna get smashed.
Morning, Mrs.
McCann.
There's one vote I didn't get.
- If I get beaten here- - you won't.
You've done your canvassing, haven't you? Then it's all about getting the vote out on the day.
Show me your returns.
- Don't you have to get on your way? - No.
Why? I thought you said you were on important party business.
So I am.
But I prefer to think it's mostly private.
You mean you came all this way to Yes, to help you.
Oh, Alan, thank you.
I like to think of myself as your political mentor, And of you in a- Well, rather more intimate role.
Now, let's go and win this election.
Right.
We're making good time.
He's got all the early voters.
How exactly is the intellectual giant in plus fours? Kilwillie? He's smarter than he looks.
He's diversified into luxury foods.
Everything from whisky marmalade to venison pate.
- He employs a lot of people.
- Who'll all vote for him.
Still, looks from these like you might pick up Most of the O.
A.
P.
Vote.
- I'm pleased about that.
- It's often the way.
Old ladies usually admire female candidates.
Old blokes just fancy them.
As long as they're not complete dogs, of course.
- Alan! - Oh, sorry.
Gratuitous use of politically incorrect term.
So, when are the oldies going to vote? - Most of them said they were going to go tonight.
- That's no good.
Tonight they'll be watching "Gardener's World" Or fretting about the mass murderers Stalking the mean streets of Glenbogle.
You've got to get them voting during the day.
I can't get them lifts during the day.
People round here are really busy just now.
It's the 12th of August.
Oh, aye.
Mass murder of another kind.
So what are we gonna do? Alan.
No.
Ahoy, lads.
( helicopter shudders ) ( alarms beeping ) Lexie: Archie? What's wrong? She's got a bit of a sore throat.
I think I'll take her down for a minute.
Maybe just have a look at her, clean out a pipe or two.
Hector: Well, Kilwillie - god's in his heaven, Four dozen brace of birds in the basket, And all's well with the world.
( cell phone plays "William Tell Overture" ) For heaven's sake, turn that infernal contraption off.
Sorry, old man.
I've got to stay in radio contact with the nerve center Of the mighty Kilwillie empire.
Hello? Yeah.
What? I'm on my way.
- What are you doing now? - Crisis looms.
The barbarians are hammering at the gates.
Couldn't they have had the decency to choose another day? I need the help of an old pal and class ally.
- ( helicopter whirring ) - stupid map.
( alarm continues beeping ) What's he gonna do, ring the A.
A.
? You've ruined me strawberry surprise.
It's full of dust and grass.
It wouldn't be full of strawberries, would it? - Are you Scottish? - What d'you want me to do? Dance an eightsome reel? I can't believe this.
Excuse me.
Could you tell us where we are, please? You're asking me? What's this, then, D - Day for the jocks? Where's the nearest railway station? Ah, Carlisle.
40 miles that way.
God's own country, 60 miles that way.
You'd think they'd put a sign up, wouldn't you? "Knackered bridge ahead.
" What are we gonna do, Arch? We need a car.
We'll have to hire one or something.
- Or get a lift.
- Some turnip told me that was the short cut to the motorway.
Oh, no.
What better way to keep the fish and game cold? Anyway, you got a better idea? We just thought you might appreciate a lift, Mrs.
McGregor.
Thank you, dear, that's very kind of you.
Oh my goodness me.
Good morning, madam.
I'm your driver, Freddie Jorg.
Good morning.
Tell me, have you ever ridden on a Harley Davidson before? - Oh no.
- Mrs.
McGregor! Hello, my dear.
You are looking well, I must say.
And getting bonnier with every passing day, if I may venture.
We were just popping down to the village in the old charabanc.
Can we convey you in that general direction? That's very kind of you, But ever since I saw "Easy Rider," I've wanted to burn rubber on one of these.
( motorcycle starts ) So there's petrol, damaged stock, loss of sales- Loss of sales? Geordie, you've not made any.
Even if we were in a Ferrari, we still wouldn't make it in time for lunch.
Time, travel expenses.
Let's say 300.
No, let's say 150.
Freddie: No, every year the club organizes a tour And we all take a week off work to go and do wheelies in some far-off place.
We're very grateful for your help.
If there's anything we can do to reimburse your expenses Oh, not at all, wouldn't hear of it.
No, we'll simply finish off the list and then be on our way.
We want to make Loch Ness before teatime.
That would have looked a bit odd on the election expenses return.
"Petrol money for Bank of England Harley Davidson Club.
" Gloves off, I think.
- If they will march into Poland.
- Quite.
There are some things up with which one shall not put.
They'll all melt.
It's such a waste.
- Just great.
- Oh, Saturn Rockets! Oh, I've not had these since I was a wee girl.
( ice cream bell playing ) Justine: That's right, shot this morning in the Highlands.
Thank you, sir.
- See you this evening.
Bye.
- How's it looking? Packed.
Word's got round the exiles, I think.
- This, er, Lesley.
- Lexie.
She is only gonna do her nauseating national dish, right? Because you've never cooked grouse before.
Yes, that's the arrangement.
And you're sure she won't meddle? 'cause I won't have it.
You know me, I'm a pussycat, But if anyone comes into my kitchen and starts messing around It's not gonna happen, trust me.
Anyway, you'll like her.
She's very nice In an up front sort of way.
( telephone ringing ) Good morning, Flying Fish.
Archie, are you nearly here? What? Where? Archie.
We're all okay, in case you were wondering.
- Yes, Justine, I know that very well.
- That his missus, is it? - She wants to be.
- I appreciate that.
Starting as she means to go on? Why don't you tell her to get stuffed, Get off the phone, get some housework done.
What did they say? Nothing, I'll tell you later.
So what will you do about lunch? What I normally do when you let me down.
Hope Lennie can pull a rabbit out of the hat.
In this case, almost literally.
Don't say anything.
Just get into that kitchen and do whatever you have to do.
"What did the fireman's wife get for christmas?" I don't know.
What did the fireman's wife get for christmas? A ladder in her stocking.
- So where are we now? - Watford.
The ruby in the belly button of Hertfordshire.
Oh, I feel a bit sick.
Hector: What are they doing? Kilwillie: Not much, they're talking, eh? Typical.
Let me have a look.
Fascinating reading, are they? Some folks study the Bible, others pore over mucky books.
Me, I go for canvassing returns.
I could never get you this interested in me when we were together.
Maybe I have repented at leisure.
Hector: They're getting out, they're getting out.
Kilwillie: What's he doing? Getting some mineral water.
Typical.
Let me see.
Oh, well done.
It's a bottle of Kilwillie Spring.
( scoffs ) Still not here? ( car horn honks ) ( music playing ) Archie: We're here.
Lexie: Hi, Justine.
- This is Mr.
Slurpy.
He gave us a lift down.
- You all right, pet? Hi, would you like to take that through to the kitchen? You're Lesley, eh? Lexie.
"X" marks the spot.
And you are? Lennie.
Head chef.
Come into my kitchen.
Nice place, Archie.
I painted me mom's lav that color.
- You've changed everything.
- No, I haven't.
Yes, you have- The paintings, the color scheme, The tablecloths.
It's completely different.
Don't be ridiculous.
The customers like it.
And my aquarium.
Where is my aquarium? - It had to go.
- Why? One of the piranhas bit Terry's hand when he was cleaning out the tank.
- What have you done with them? - The wound went septic.
- Terry had to be off work for a week.
- Where are my fish? - Lennie let them go.
- What? Oh, not down the- - No! - Well, where? Just by London Bridge.
It was really neat the way they swam off.
I know it wasn't the most ecologically sound thing to do, - But they were free at last, the open sea.
- Lennie- shut up.
We'd better get going if we're going to be ready for this evening's performance.
- I can't believe you've done this.
- And I can't believe - You walk in and start throwing your weight about.
- Justine.
We can't sort this out now.
There's too much to do before tonight.
It'll have to wait.
Alan: So that's the wrinklies sorted Young moms just about done, working men'll vote tonight.
- What about the unemployed? - What about them? You'll never get on in politics if you take that attitude, dear.
- You must at least pretend to care.
- You mean like you do? We haven't had many of them voting yet.
- Most of them are working today.
- They're unemployed! Casual work.
They're beating up on the hill.
- I beg your pardon? - For the grouse shooting.
Aaah, the bizarre feudal relic.
- Speaking of which - Don't talk about Molly like that, she's my friend.
- Oh, hang on.
- Wha-what? - Voter at 11:00.
- Oh, it's only Molly.
Oh.
Hello, Katrina.
Oh, good afternoon, dear.
Kilwillie.
Alan.
See you in a moment, everyone.
Right-o.
- Those the grouses, are they? - Grice.
- Eh? - The plural of grouse is grice.
- It's like mouse and mice.
- Oh, right.
- ( chuckles ) - stink a bit, don't they? And these- farm salmon, are they? They are not! Wild atlantic salmon, caught this very morning In the crystal waters of the River Bogle - by your boss.
I don't like it when salmon gets this big.
Taste's gone.
Lennie, you're talking 100% fish droppings.
- Archie.
- Sorry, "boss," just expressing a professional opinion.
There's a lot of paperwork to get through.
I could chop them into steaks, I suppose.
Okay.
I think the flavor's more delicate If they're cut into fillets, myself.
But it's- Why don't you leave the delicate flavors to me, sweetie, While you get to grips with the grice, eh? Shall I chin him now or later? - Hey, Geordie.
- What? "What did the grape say when the gorilla stood on it?" I don't know, Lexie.
What did the grape say when the gorilla stood on it? Nothing.
It just gave a little "wine.
" Oh, Molly, dear.
Be with you in a minute.
What are you doing consorting with the enemy? What are you boys doing here? I thought you were out playing popguns.
A good candidate's got to keep his finger On the pulse of the electoral process, Molly.
Thank his supporters and so on.
I trust you, er - No, of course, mustn't ask.
- What? Well, that I Well, you know Don't be ridiculous, man.
Do you honestly think A wife of mine would vote for a woman? Don't you worry your little bald head, Kilwillie.
I voted according to my conscience.
Thank you so much, Molly.
Well, see you boys later.
And don't stay cooped up in the motor all day, get some fresh air.
She's a wonderful girl.
- You're a lucky dog, Hector.
- Yeah.
Well, I did it.
For the first time in my life, I exercised my democratic rights According to my own convictions Rather than my husband's prejudices.
I put a cross against your name.
Really, Molly? Thank you.
See, I told you.
( exhales ) truly liberating.
And the ladies in my lottery syndicate Were very taken with your leaflets.
Tell me, are you winning? I hope so.
We were just wondering What time are the beaters on the hill finishing? About 6:00, I should think.
Plenty of time to vote, then.
No, no, hold on.
Golly always lays on A ceilidh for them and the other estate workers.
Whiskey flows till midnight.
Archie counting: 20, 140 and 50.
Thanks, Archie.
Top lad.
Thanks for having such a cheerful face.
You're a canny-looking lad yourself.
I'll shake your hand- I'll be off.
- Thanks, son.
- Justine: Archie? Here.
Take this.
I was gonna give it to Waltzing Matilda in there - But I'd rather you had it.
- Thanks, pet.
It's ages since I've slurped the old fire water.
Thanks very much.
Pop round later on and I'll give you a grouse buttie.
Thanks.
If this is democracy, you can keep it.
I've never been so bored in my life.
Voting is a bit slow, I must say.
That's because people have better things to do, As have you and me! This is a terrible waste of the Glorious 12th.
The opposition does seem rather inactive.
Perhaps we could spare just a couple of hours.
Splendid.
Katrina: Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Go.
Man: Katrina, Mrs.
MacDonald.
What are you doing down here? - We've come to take your jobs, Gary.
- Huh? - What she means is that- - we need you to go and vote.
But we're working.
We're about to- - We're going to do it for you.
- What, you? Come on, Gary, it's hardly rocket science.
Walking up a hillside, waving a stick And screaming obscenities at flocks of birds.
Duncan: One, two, three.
Are you there, guys? This is more like it.
Splendid.
That's it, girls.
Keep a steady pace.
( women cooing like birds ) Keep apart.
Canny.
This is the profit and loss account for June.
We made a thumping great deficit? No.
Don't you remember we make the loan repayments every quarter? Once that figure there is amortized over the other months, We were in profit- just.
Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot.
I'm a bit rusty.
That's good.
Great, in fact.
Thank you, o master.
It hasn't been easy, but everyone's pulled together.
Yeah.
Oh, Justine, I miss this place.
Do you? Really? And you.
Well, get yourself back down here then.
I will.
I will.
It's showtime.
( diners chatting ) What can I get you? Everyone wants the grouse.
How's it going? The oven's not hot enough and I can't get it higher.
- I told him.
- I'm using the others.
- The birds aren't cooking.
- This is the simmering oven.
- Lennie, what the hell are you playing at? - Come on, Archie.
- Stop messing about and give Lexie an oven to cook in! - You listen to me, mate Come on, there are customers waiting.
Oh! - Watch out! - You stupid cow.
What did you call me? You puffed up bag of antipodean wind.
- That is it, I've had enough! - And it's high time someone stuck a pin in you.
- Come on, guys.
- An accident, these things happen.
No more favors, Justine.
She goes or I walk.
I mean it.
It's my kitchen! I will not have her in it! - Oh, for heaven's sake.
- That's just because I showed you up - For the talentless ego merchant that you are.
- Who's it to be? Her or me? Okay.
I'm sorry, Lexie.
Justine, this is not your decision.
Yes, it is.
Pick those birds up.
Someone's got to eat them in a minute.
- Justine, we run this restaurant together- - no we don't! We used to until you went off to your Highland fastness to play chieftain.
Now I run it! With a lot of help and support from Lennie.
What kind of help and support would that be? Maybe the same kind as you get from Lexie.
Or Katrina.
Or whichever other Highland lassie you're tossing the caber with.
Look, Justine, we are partners.
We used to be, Archie.
But maybe, as the old song says, It's time to call the whole thing off.
- ( door slams ) - evening.
Excuse me, pet.
( slurring ) you know, my dad Used to build ships.
I sell ice cream.
Mr.
Slurpy At your service.
Is this like dinner theatre? Marvelous day.
Well done, Duncan.
Jolly good show.
Thanks very much, Hector.
Right.
I must be off.
Compose my victory speech.
Jolly good beaters you found, too.
I tell you what Give them this fiver, Tell them to have a drink on me.
That'll be just the one drink between all of them, will it? Guys! Guys! Hey, boys.
Aye? Yes.
You can say that again.
But don't.
I've got a terrible headache.
I suppose I could go back in there and apologize.
- Say it was all my fault.
- Archie, son, It's around these small moments whole lives hinge.
What? I speak from experience, man.
12 years since I caught the bus to Blyth I was daft enough to sit next to a lass who smiled at us.
If only I'd had another half in the "fat ox" Or the bus had been late, or I'd sat In the back with my "Chronicle," like I usually did, I'd have been spared a lifetime of quiet misery With a large woman With a very short temper.
I see.
If I was you, I'd stay where you are, Have some fun with that Lexie lass.
I tell you she fancies the posh pants off you.
Right, that's everything.
Next stop, Euston.
Like a well-oiled machine, it was.
Well, I'm glad the nice gentlemen had a good day.
Always been good tippers, the Norwegians.
I'll trouble you for my share.
And I'll have my binoculars back as well.
You be a good lad in the next 12 months And I'll let you play with the train set next year, too.
Sweetie? Here, take it.
You did well.
Val Doonican would be proud of you.
"walk tall, walk straight " - "and look the world right in the eye.
" - bingo.
- This is it.
- For both of us? It was the only one they had left.
It's okay, I'll go on top.
Oh, bunk, that is.
Should have left that tequila alone.
I'm starving, and all that food we brought down Don't worry, I nicked these and The most expensive bottle of red wine in your cellar.
"and they dined on mince and slices of quince " So, the husband says, "I've just been talking to the milkman, And he says he's slept with every woman In this street except one.
" and the wife says- "I bet it's that stuck up cow from number 17.
" I absolutely hate it when you do that.
Here's to you, And the start of a glittering political career.
Thanks, Alan.
For everything.
Isn't democracy wonderful? I love being a carnivore, don't you? It's a bit overdone, but it's not bad.
Right.
Turn around.
I'm going to retire.
It's been a long day.
- Stop looking.
- I'm not looking.
I am.
Oh! My, Archie MacDonald- Calvin Kleins.
I have to get back to Edinburgh.
- Aye.
- What time's the count start? 8:00 in the morning.
- Why don't you - Why don't I After you.
I was just gonna say, why don't you stay? See it through to the bitter end? Okay, thanks.
But I'd better get my head down.
I've been up since the crack of dawn.
I'll get you a duvet.
Okay, I'm listening.
What's there to say, Archie? - What's there to say? - I don't know.
Just feels like it's gone, The dream we had.
It feels like someone's taken a baseball bat to it.
And maybe that someone is you.
- Hello? - I hear what you're saying.
Don't say that.
I hate it when people say that.
They mean, "I hear what you're saying But I'm going to do naff all about it.
" No, I just meant- ( phone disconnects ) Hello? Hello? I'm sorry, Arch.
I bet you could do with a cuddle.
- I know I could.
- Lexie, no.
- It's okay.
- This isn't wise.
A cuddle, I said.
We've got our jim-jams on.
Anyway, I'm freezing.
It's like camp three on everest up there.
- Your feet, they're freezing, Lexie! - Move over! There That's better.
You know, I feel kinda sorry for Justine.
I know she's got her faults but Everybody's got their faults, haven't they? And you've got your faults.
Even I've got faults.
I just feel bad for her.
I mean, she's losing her man, isn't she? Maybe.
Hey, Arch What did one ghost say to the other? Dunno.
Do you believe in people? We just never really had a chance to talk it through See how we feel, reach common ground.
That's important, don't you think? It's okay, I always have this effect on women in bed.
( ringing ) Hello.
Hello? I'm sorry, I didn't think, I was asleep.
Whoever it was rang off anyway.
I wonder who it was.
Something wrong? Can't sleep.
Too excited.
Too nervous.
You'll walk it.
Just trust your uncle Alan.
You can be very sweet when you put your mind to it.
Is that supposed to be a compliment? It's the only one you're getting.
So why don't you stop messing about and kiss me? What d'you fancy, hot chocolate or Horlicks? It doesn't matter.
Just put some bromide in it, will you? ( moans ) ( giggles ) - Lexie! - Who did you think it was? - We can't do this.
- You're not enjoying it, - Is that what you're trying to tell me? - No, but - What are you doing? - Where are we? I want to know where it happened.
Penrith! You know, that's where Bonnie Prince Charlie Fought his last battle in England.
- You're not getting back in this bed.
- Oh, come on.
No, think how you'll feel in the morning.
Oh, trust you to go all manly and decisive At this stage in the proceedings.
Hector: But I've got work to do this morning.
Surely your golf column in the "Horse and Hound" can wait a few hours, Hector.
But where are we going? To the count for the election.
Katrina and Kilwillie.
Oh, yes, election, yeah.
I forgot to vote for the blighter, you know.
I've a feeling about today, Hector.
We're standing on the threshold of history.
Centuries of oppression are about to end.
You're not suggesting you voted for that girl, are you? Hector, dear, There are days in life in which one is the fly, And rare, magical moments In which one is at long last the windscreen.
- Come on.
- What windscreen? Has Duncan been messing about with that Land Rover again? Okay? I'm never mixing red wine and tequila again.
Listen, about last night Thanks very much.
- My pleasure.
- No, it wasn't.
Anyway, you're a gentleman.
Showing your breeding, Archie MacDonald.
Still, it wasn't a bad snog, was it? No, Lexie, it was a damn fine snog.
Maybe we'll get another chance- When I'm not half pished.
Come on, let's go home.
I feel like we're in that old movie.
What was it? "Short Encounter.
" Man: Have you any idea when we might expect a result? Can you take us to the community center first, please? You don't mind, do you? Dougal henderson: Angus Archibald Kilwillie: 782.
Katrina Finlay 1000 ( cheering ) And 23.
What is the world coming to? I hereby declare that Katrina Finlay Has been duly elected to serve as a member Of the Highland Council for the Glenbogle ward.
Molly: My dear You've done so well.
Well done.
See? I told you I could do it without the help of the MacDonalds.
- The men anyway.
- What do you mean? I voted for you.
Did you? I didn't know that.
Why didn't you tell me? Katrina, I'm sure you'll do a good job.
How did it go with Justine? Your speech.
First of all, I'd like to thank the returning officer ( theme music playing )
I'm not sure I'm ready, Golly.
I was the same my first time in charge.
But you listen up, son.
Walk tall, walk straight, And look the world right in the eye.
Right, that's good.
Who said that? One of the giants of celtic culture.
What's his name- Robert the Bruce? Robbie Burns? Val Doonican.
Katrina: First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer And all those who have made this election and count Such a smooth and efficient one.
My victory today marks a defining moment In Scottish politics.
Who's Val Doonican? ( theme music playing ) ( telephone ringing ) Hello.
Morning.
I'm just on my way.
What? Oh no.
No, if you're sick, you're sick.
Don't worry, I'll think of something.
You take care of yourself.
Bye.
Lexie: I don't quite get the point in this, Arch.
You're supposed to be the expert in the menu department.
First course, fresh Scottish salmon.
Second course, fresh Scottish grouse.
You've been looking forward to seeing your posh tottie.
Oh! There's one! Lexie, be quiet or I'll send you home.
Sorry, dad.
I won't take you racing out to London either.
Whoa! Ah! I love the smell of cordite in the morning.
You know, I can remember my first Glorious 12th Like it was yesterday.
August, 1938.
Old house was packed.
Bishops, bandleaders, King of Bulgaria, prime minister too.
Old Neville Chamberlain came here on his way to suck up to Hitler.
Hector, we need to get going.
The lad's got to leave with the birds in an hour.
Shall I start the beaters off? No, no, no, Duncan.
I'll do that.
Here You take these.
Morning.
First customer, eh? Sorry? You've come to vote.
No need to ask who for.
Might as well.
- A race you say? - Yes.
With dead grouse as the competitors? Could you possibly direct me towards the point of this exercise? It's organized by a food magazine- The first restaurant to serve grouse to a customer On the first day of the shooting season Wins £5,000 and a feature in the next edition.
What an extraordinarily stupid idea.
What do you mean- food magazine? It would be great publicity for the restaurant.
The business I'm supposed to be running with my girlfriend? Meanwhile, smooth running of the household is disrupted.
I can't wait to get cracking in a proper kitchen for a change.
The last time Lexie went AWOL- When my Aunt Maggie had the temerity to expire suddenly? Golly prepared dinner.
He presented me with an omelette That looked and tasted like a polystyrene tile.
Breakfast.
Eat.
- You're a poppet.
- I try to please.
And you do.
You worried? - I just hope everything goes okay with Archie in the- - of course it will.
Two cooks in the kitchen- it'll be a breeze.
I didn't quite mean that.
Listen, Lennie, these last couple of months, I'd never have got by without you.
I mean it.
I'm very grateful.
No worries But thanks.
Delicious.
Archie, I was just going to call you.
- Listen- - mustn't canvass voters on their way To exercise their democratic prerogative- Even if it is just a council election.
Archie MacDonald.
Thanks.
Archie, I need your help.
Maureen's let me down.
She was gonna help me organize the day.
- "Get the vote out" and that.
- I can't.
Sorry.
You can't? Or you won't? Katrina, I won't be here.
I'm going to London.
Oh- you going to see Justine? I will be seeing Justine.
Well, have a terrific time.
Thanks.
I'll just have to find somebody else then, won't I? Look, I've said I'm sorry.
Could you tell me how you voted, please? Why would I tell you that? It's standard procedure in elections.
It helps the parties keep check on how they're doing.
No, I'm not gonna tell you how I voted.
That's my business.
You didn't vote for me, did you!? ( helicopter whirring ) ( silent ) - Good luck, my boy.
- And you.
- Smash the opposition, okay.
- Yes! ( horn honks ) Arch, isn't this fab? Yeah, great.
( silent ) Ah, may the best man win.
Hector: I wish you all happy hunting And leave you in the very capable hands of Duncan here.
Thanks Hect- Mr.
MacDonald.
Gentlemen, I earnestly hope That you have very good sport here today.
There's loads of birds out there.
"The hills are alive," you might say.
( dog whimpers ) Anyway, if you're ready We'll mosey on out.
Well done, Duncan.
That was jolly good.
Now give them hell.
I earnestly hope.
Kilwillie, I thought you had some fool election today.
Democracy's important, but not that important.
Anyway, the political machine's well-oiled.
What with? Your filthy lucre? Nothing so gross! A few cases of Kilwillie old malt.
Kilwillie.
That's corruption.
No, my dear.
That's politics.
So, shall we to the butts? ( helicopter whirring ) Look, everything's dead wee.
- Confident then? - Publicly, I'm unbeatable.
Privately, I'm gonna get smashed.
Morning, Mrs.
McCann.
There's one vote I didn't get.
- If I get beaten here- - you won't.
You've done your canvassing, haven't you? Then it's all about getting the vote out on the day.
Show me your returns.
- Don't you have to get on your way? - No.
Why? I thought you said you were on important party business.
So I am.
But I prefer to think it's mostly private.
You mean you came all this way to Yes, to help you.
Oh, Alan, thank you.
I like to think of myself as your political mentor, And of you in a- Well, rather more intimate role.
Now, let's go and win this election.
Right.
We're making good time.
He's got all the early voters.
How exactly is the intellectual giant in plus fours? Kilwillie? He's smarter than he looks.
He's diversified into luxury foods.
Everything from whisky marmalade to venison pate.
- He employs a lot of people.
- Who'll all vote for him.
Still, looks from these like you might pick up Most of the O.
A.
P.
Vote.
- I'm pleased about that.
- It's often the way.
Old ladies usually admire female candidates.
Old blokes just fancy them.
As long as they're not complete dogs, of course.
- Alan! - Oh, sorry.
Gratuitous use of politically incorrect term.
So, when are the oldies going to vote? - Most of them said they were going to go tonight.
- That's no good.
Tonight they'll be watching "Gardener's World" Or fretting about the mass murderers Stalking the mean streets of Glenbogle.
You've got to get them voting during the day.
I can't get them lifts during the day.
People round here are really busy just now.
It's the 12th of August.
Oh, aye.
Mass murder of another kind.
So what are we gonna do? Alan.
No.
Ahoy, lads.
( helicopter shudders ) ( alarms beeping ) Lexie: Archie? What's wrong? She's got a bit of a sore throat.
I think I'll take her down for a minute.
Maybe just have a look at her, clean out a pipe or two.
Hector: Well, Kilwillie - god's in his heaven, Four dozen brace of birds in the basket, And all's well with the world.
( cell phone plays "William Tell Overture" ) For heaven's sake, turn that infernal contraption off.
Sorry, old man.
I've got to stay in radio contact with the nerve center Of the mighty Kilwillie empire.
Hello? Yeah.
What? I'm on my way.
- What are you doing now? - Crisis looms.
The barbarians are hammering at the gates.
Couldn't they have had the decency to choose another day? I need the help of an old pal and class ally.
- ( helicopter whirring ) - stupid map.
( alarm continues beeping ) What's he gonna do, ring the A.
A.
? You've ruined me strawberry surprise.
It's full of dust and grass.
It wouldn't be full of strawberries, would it? - Are you Scottish? - What d'you want me to do? Dance an eightsome reel? I can't believe this.
Excuse me.
Could you tell us where we are, please? You're asking me? What's this, then, D - Day for the jocks? Where's the nearest railway station? Ah, Carlisle.
40 miles that way.
God's own country, 60 miles that way.
You'd think they'd put a sign up, wouldn't you? "Knackered bridge ahead.
" What are we gonna do, Arch? We need a car.
We'll have to hire one or something.
- Or get a lift.
- Some turnip told me that was the short cut to the motorway.
Oh, no.
What better way to keep the fish and game cold? Anyway, you got a better idea? We just thought you might appreciate a lift, Mrs.
McGregor.
Thank you, dear, that's very kind of you.
Oh my goodness me.
Good morning, madam.
I'm your driver, Freddie Jorg.
Good morning.
Tell me, have you ever ridden on a Harley Davidson before? - Oh no.
- Mrs.
McGregor! Hello, my dear.
You are looking well, I must say.
And getting bonnier with every passing day, if I may venture.
We were just popping down to the village in the old charabanc.
Can we convey you in that general direction? That's very kind of you, But ever since I saw "Easy Rider," I've wanted to burn rubber on one of these.
( motorcycle starts ) So there's petrol, damaged stock, loss of sales- Loss of sales? Geordie, you've not made any.
Even if we were in a Ferrari, we still wouldn't make it in time for lunch.
Time, travel expenses.
Let's say 300.
No, let's say 150.
Freddie: No, every year the club organizes a tour And we all take a week off work to go and do wheelies in some far-off place.
We're very grateful for your help.
If there's anything we can do to reimburse your expenses Oh, not at all, wouldn't hear of it.
No, we'll simply finish off the list and then be on our way.
We want to make Loch Ness before teatime.
That would have looked a bit odd on the election expenses return.
"Petrol money for Bank of England Harley Davidson Club.
" Gloves off, I think.
- If they will march into Poland.
- Quite.
There are some things up with which one shall not put.
They'll all melt.
It's such a waste.
- Just great.
- Oh, Saturn Rockets! Oh, I've not had these since I was a wee girl.
( ice cream bell playing ) Justine: That's right, shot this morning in the Highlands.
Thank you, sir.
- See you this evening.
Bye.
- How's it looking? Packed.
Word's got round the exiles, I think.
- This, er, Lesley.
- Lexie.
She is only gonna do her nauseating national dish, right? Because you've never cooked grouse before.
Yes, that's the arrangement.
And you're sure she won't meddle? 'cause I won't have it.
You know me, I'm a pussycat, But if anyone comes into my kitchen and starts messing around It's not gonna happen, trust me.
Anyway, you'll like her.
She's very nice In an up front sort of way.
( telephone ringing ) Good morning, Flying Fish.
Archie, are you nearly here? What? Where? Archie.
We're all okay, in case you were wondering.
- Yes, Justine, I know that very well.
- That his missus, is it? - She wants to be.
- I appreciate that.
Starting as she means to go on? Why don't you tell her to get stuffed, Get off the phone, get some housework done.
What did they say? Nothing, I'll tell you later.
So what will you do about lunch? What I normally do when you let me down.
Hope Lennie can pull a rabbit out of the hat.
In this case, almost literally.
Don't say anything.
Just get into that kitchen and do whatever you have to do.
"What did the fireman's wife get for christmas?" I don't know.
What did the fireman's wife get for christmas? A ladder in her stocking.
- So where are we now? - Watford.
The ruby in the belly button of Hertfordshire.
Oh, I feel a bit sick.
Hector: What are they doing? Kilwillie: Not much, they're talking, eh? Typical.
Let me have a look.
Fascinating reading, are they? Some folks study the Bible, others pore over mucky books.
Me, I go for canvassing returns.
I could never get you this interested in me when we were together.
Maybe I have repented at leisure.
Hector: They're getting out, they're getting out.
Kilwillie: What's he doing? Getting some mineral water.
Typical.
Let me see.
Oh, well done.
It's a bottle of Kilwillie Spring.
( scoffs ) Still not here? ( car horn honks ) ( music playing ) Archie: We're here.
Lexie: Hi, Justine.
- This is Mr.
Slurpy.
He gave us a lift down.
- You all right, pet? Hi, would you like to take that through to the kitchen? You're Lesley, eh? Lexie.
"X" marks the spot.
And you are? Lennie.
Head chef.
Come into my kitchen.
Nice place, Archie.
I painted me mom's lav that color.
- You've changed everything.
- No, I haven't.
Yes, you have- The paintings, the color scheme, The tablecloths.
It's completely different.
Don't be ridiculous.
The customers like it.
And my aquarium.
Where is my aquarium? - It had to go.
- Why? One of the piranhas bit Terry's hand when he was cleaning out the tank.
- What have you done with them? - The wound went septic.
- Terry had to be off work for a week.
- Where are my fish? - Lennie let them go.
- What? Oh, not down the- - No! - Well, where? Just by London Bridge.
It was really neat the way they swam off.
I know it wasn't the most ecologically sound thing to do, - But they were free at last, the open sea.
- Lennie- shut up.
We'd better get going if we're going to be ready for this evening's performance.
- I can't believe you've done this.
- And I can't believe - You walk in and start throwing your weight about.
- Justine.
We can't sort this out now.
There's too much to do before tonight.
It'll have to wait.
Alan: So that's the wrinklies sorted Young moms just about done, working men'll vote tonight.
- What about the unemployed? - What about them? You'll never get on in politics if you take that attitude, dear.
- You must at least pretend to care.
- You mean like you do? We haven't had many of them voting yet.
- Most of them are working today.
- They're unemployed! Casual work.
They're beating up on the hill.
- I beg your pardon? - For the grouse shooting.
Aaah, the bizarre feudal relic.
- Speaking of which - Don't talk about Molly like that, she's my friend.
- Oh, hang on.
- Wha-what? - Voter at 11:00.
- Oh, it's only Molly.
Oh.
Hello, Katrina.
Oh, good afternoon, dear.
Kilwillie.
Alan.
See you in a moment, everyone.
Right-o.
- Those the grouses, are they? - Grice.
- Eh? - The plural of grouse is grice.
- It's like mouse and mice.
- Oh, right.
- ( chuckles ) - stink a bit, don't they? And these- farm salmon, are they? They are not! Wild atlantic salmon, caught this very morning In the crystal waters of the River Bogle - by your boss.
I don't like it when salmon gets this big.
Taste's gone.
Lennie, you're talking 100% fish droppings.
- Archie.
- Sorry, "boss," just expressing a professional opinion.
There's a lot of paperwork to get through.
I could chop them into steaks, I suppose.
Okay.
I think the flavor's more delicate If they're cut into fillets, myself.
But it's- Why don't you leave the delicate flavors to me, sweetie, While you get to grips with the grice, eh? Shall I chin him now or later? - Hey, Geordie.
- What? "What did the grape say when the gorilla stood on it?" I don't know, Lexie.
What did the grape say when the gorilla stood on it? Nothing.
It just gave a little "wine.
" Oh, Molly, dear.
Be with you in a minute.
What are you doing consorting with the enemy? What are you boys doing here? I thought you were out playing popguns.
A good candidate's got to keep his finger On the pulse of the electoral process, Molly.
Thank his supporters and so on.
I trust you, er - No, of course, mustn't ask.
- What? Well, that I Well, you know Don't be ridiculous, man.
Do you honestly think A wife of mine would vote for a woman? Don't you worry your little bald head, Kilwillie.
I voted according to my conscience.
Thank you so much, Molly.
Well, see you boys later.
And don't stay cooped up in the motor all day, get some fresh air.
She's a wonderful girl.
- You're a lucky dog, Hector.
- Yeah.
Well, I did it.
For the first time in my life, I exercised my democratic rights According to my own convictions Rather than my husband's prejudices.
I put a cross against your name.
Really, Molly? Thank you.
See, I told you.
( exhales ) truly liberating.
And the ladies in my lottery syndicate Were very taken with your leaflets.
Tell me, are you winning? I hope so.
We were just wondering What time are the beaters on the hill finishing? About 6:00, I should think.
Plenty of time to vote, then.
No, no, hold on.
Golly always lays on A ceilidh for them and the other estate workers.
Whiskey flows till midnight.
Archie counting: 20, 140 and 50.
Thanks, Archie.
Top lad.
Thanks for having such a cheerful face.
You're a canny-looking lad yourself.
I'll shake your hand- I'll be off.
- Thanks, son.
- Justine: Archie? Here.
Take this.
I was gonna give it to Waltzing Matilda in there - But I'd rather you had it.
- Thanks, pet.
It's ages since I've slurped the old fire water.
Thanks very much.
Pop round later on and I'll give you a grouse buttie.
Thanks.
If this is democracy, you can keep it.
I've never been so bored in my life.
Voting is a bit slow, I must say.
That's because people have better things to do, As have you and me! This is a terrible waste of the Glorious 12th.
The opposition does seem rather inactive.
Perhaps we could spare just a couple of hours.
Splendid.
Katrina: Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Go.
Man: Katrina, Mrs.
MacDonald.
What are you doing down here? - We've come to take your jobs, Gary.
- Huh? - What she means is that- - we need you to go and vote.
But we're working.
We're about to- - We're going to do it for you.
- What, you? Come on, Gary, it's hardly rocket science.
Walking up a hillside, waving a stick And screaming obscenities at flocks of birds.
Duncan: One, two, three.
Are you there, guys? This is more like it.
Splendid.
That's it, girls.
Keep a steady pace.
( women cooing like birds ) Keep apart.
Canny.
This is the profit and loss account for June.
We made a thumping great deficit? No.
Don't you remember we make the loan repayments every quarter? Once that figure there is amortized over the other months, We were in profit- just.
Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot.
I'm a bit rusty.
That's good.
Great, in fact.
Thank you, o master.
It hasn't been easy, but everyone's pulled together.
Yeah.
Oh, Justine, I miss this place.
Do you? Really? And you.
Well, get yourself back down here then.
I will.
I will.
It's showtime.
( diners chatting ) What can I get you? Everyone wants the grouse.
How's it going? The oven's not hot enough and I can't get it higher.
- I told him.
- I'm using the others.
- The birds aren't cooking.
- This is the simmering oven.
- Lennie, what the hell are you playing at? - Come on, Archie.
- Stop messing about and give Lexie an oven to cook in! - You listen to me, mate Come on, there are customers waiting.
Oh! - Watch out! - You stupid cow.
What did you call me? You puffed up bag of antipodean wind.
- That is it, I've had enough! - And it's high time someone stuck a pin in you.
- Come on, guys.
- An accident, these things happen.
No more favors, Justine.
She goes or I walk.
I mean it.
It's my kitchen! I will not have her in it! - Oh, for heaven's sake.
- That's just because I showed you up - For the talentless ego merchant that you are.
- Who's it to be? Her or me? Okay.
I'm sorry, Lexie.
Justine, this is not your decision.
Yes, it is.
Pick those birds up.
Someone's got to eat them in a minute.
- Justine, we run this restaurant together- - no we don't! We used to until you went off to your Highland fastness to play chieftain.
Now I run it! With a lot of help and support from Lennie.
What kind of help and support would that be? Maybe the same kind as you get from Lexie.
Or Katrina.
Or whichever other Highland lassie you're tossing the caber with.
Look, Justine, we are partners.
We used to be, Archie.
But maybe, as the old song says, It's time to call the whole thing off.
- ( door slams ) - evening.
Excuse me, pet.
( slurring ) you know, my dad Used to build ships.
I sell ice cream.
Mr.
Slurpy At your service.
Is this like dinner theatre? Marvelous day.
Well done, Duncan.
Jolly good show.
Thanks very much, Hector.
Right.
I must be off.
Compose my victory speech.
Jolly good beaters you found, too.
I tell you what Give them this fiver, Tell them to have a drink on me.
That'll be just the one drink between all of them, will it? Guys! Guys! Hey, boys.
Aye? Yes.
You can say that again.
But don't.
I've got a terrible headache.
I suppose I could go back in there and apologize.
- Say it was all my fault.
- Archie, son, It's around these small moments whole lives hinge.
What? I speak from experience, man.
12 years since I caught the bus to Blyth I was daft enough to sit next to a lass who smiled at us.
If only I'd had another half in the "fat ox" Or the bus had been late, or I'd sat In the back with my "Chronicle," like I usually did, I'd have been spared a lifetime of quiet misery With a large woman With a very short temper.
I see.
If I was you, I'd stay where you are, Have some fun with that Lexie lass.
I tell you she fancies the posh pants off you.
Right, that's everything.
Next stop, Euston.
Like a well-oiled machine, it was.
Well, I'm glad the nice gentlemen had a good day.
Always been good tippers, the Norwegians.
I'll trouble you for my share.
And I'll have my binoculars back as well.
You be a good lad in the next 12 months And I'll let you play with the train set next year, too.
Sweetie? Here, take it.
You did well.
Val Doonican would be proud of you.
"walk tall, walk straight " - "and look the world right in the eye.
" - bingo.
- This is it.
- For both of us? It was the only one they had left.
It's okay, I'll go on top.
Oh, bunk, that is.
Should have left that tequila alone.
I'm starving, and all that food we brought down Don't worry, I nicked these and The most expensive bottle of red wine in your cellar.
"and they dined on mince and slices of quince " So, the husband says, "I've just been talking to the milkman, And he says he's slept with every woman In this street except one.
" and the wife says- "I bet it's that stuck up cow from number 17.
" I absolutely hate it when you do that.
Here's to you, And the start of a glittering political career.
Thanks, Alan.
For everything.
Isn't democracy wonderful? I love being a carnivore, don't you? It's a bit overdone, but it's not bad.
Right.
Turn around.
I'm going to retire.
It's been a long day.
- Stop looking.
- I'm not looking.
I am.
Oh! My, Archie MacDonald- Calvin Kleins.
I have to get back to Edinburgh.
- Aye.
- What time's the count start? 8:00 in the morning.
- Why don't you - Why don't I After you.
I was just gonna say, why don't you stay? See it through to the bitter end? Okay, thanks.
But I'd better get my head down.
I've been up since the crack of dawn.
I'll get you a duvet.
Okay, I'm listening.
What's there to say, Archie? - What's there to say? - I don't know.
Just feels like it's gone, The dream we had.
It feels like someone's taken a baseball bat to it.
And maybe that someone is you.
- Hello? - I hear what you're saying.
Don't say that.
I hate it when people say that.
They mean, "I hear what you're saying But I'm going to do naff all about it.
" No, I just meant- ( phone disconnects ) Hello? Hello? I'm sorry, Arch.
I bet you could do with a cuddle.
- I know I could.
- Lexie, no.
- It's okay.
- This isn't wise.
A cuddle, I said.
We've got our jim-jams on.
Anyway, I'm freezing.
It's like camp three on everest up there.
- Your feet, they're freezing, Lexie! - Move over! There That's better.
You know, I feel kinda sorry for Justine.
I know she's got her faults but Everybody's got their faults, haven't they? And you've got your faults.
Even I've got faults.
I just feel bad for her.
I mean, she's losing her man, isn't she? Maybe.
Hey, Arch What did one ghost say to the other? Dunno.
Do you believe in people? We just never really had a chance to talk it through See how we feel, reach common ground.
That's important, don't you think? It's okay, I always have this effect on women in bed.
( ringing ) Hello.
Hello? I'm sorry, I didn't think, I was asleep.
Whoever it was rang off anyway.
I wonder who it was.
Something wrong? Can't sleep.
Too excited.
Too nervous.
You'll walk it.
Just trust your uncle Alan.
You can be very sweet when you put your mind to it.
Is that supposed to be a compliment? It's the only one you're getting.
So why don't you stop messing about and kiss me? What d'you fancy, hot chocolate or Horlicks? It doesn't matter.
Just put some bromide in it, will you? ( moans ) ( giggles ) - Lexie! - Who did you think it was? - We can't do this.
- You're not enjoying it, - Is that what you're trying to tell me? - No, but - What are you doing? - Where are we? I want to know where it happened.
Penrith! You know, that's where Bonnie Prince Charlie Fought his last battle in England.
- You're not getting back in this bed.
- Oh, come on.
No, think how you'll feel in the morning.
Oh, trust you to go all manly and decisive At this stage in the proceedings.
Hector: But I've got work to do this morning.
Surely your golf column in the "Horse and Hound" can wait a few hours, Hector.
But where are we going? To the count for the election.
Katrina and Kilwillie.
Oh, yes, election, yeah.
I forgot to vote for the blighter, you know.
I've a feeling about today, Hector.
We're standing on the threshold of history.
Centuries of oppression are about to end.
You're not suggesting you voted for that girl, are you? Hector, dear, There are days in life in which one is the fly, And rare, magical moments In which one is at long last the windscreen.
- Come on.
- What windscreen? Has Duncan been messing about with that Land Rover again? Okay? I'm never mixing red wine and tequila again.
Listen, about last night Thanks very much.
- My pleasure.
- No, it wasn't.
Anyway, you're a gentleman.
Showing your breeding, Archie MacDonald.
Still, it wasn't a bad snog, was it? No, Lexie, it was a damn fine snog.
Maybe we'll get another chance- When I'm not half pished.
Come on, let's go home.
I feel like we're in that old movie.
What was it? "Short Encounter.
" Man: Have you any idea when we might expect a result? Can you take us to the community center first, please? You don't mind, do you? Dougal henderson: Angus Archibald Kilwillie: 782.
Katrina Finlay 1000 ( cheering ) And 23.
What is the world coming to? I hereby declare that Katrina Finlay Has been duly elected to serve as a member Of the Highland Council for the Glenbogle ward.
Molly: My dear You've done so well.
Well done.
See? I told you I could do it without the help of the MacDonalds.
- The men anyway.
- What do you mean? I voted for you.
Did you? I didn't know that.
Why didn't you tell me? Katrina, I'm sure you'll do a good job.
How did it go with Justine? Your speech.
First of all, I'd like to thank the returning officer ( theme music playing )