Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s02e06 Episode Script

( clattering ) Fergal, how did you get in? The usual way, through the front door.
I'm not sure if I approve of you sneaking in here and making me breakfast.
I know.
I am the headmistress of the local school.
I've got my reputation to think of.
Sweetheart, we're five miles from the nearest town and hundreds of miles from civilization.
Who's even going to know I'm here? ( rapping on door ) Good morning.
I've got two letters for you.
This one looks official, and one for Fergal.
Airmail, too.
For Fergal? Seeing as he's here all the time these days, I thought I would drop off his post.
Thank you, Craig.
So long.
So long, Fergal.
Fergal: So long, Craig.
Okay.
So Craig knows.
It'll be all over Glenbogle in half an hour.
Could go after him, let his tires down.
What's wrong? Who's it from? Education authority.
Are they onto us already? - They're actually shutting it.
- Shutting what? The school, Fergal.
They're closing down my school.
( theme music playing ) ( low conversation within ) Man: I don't see why there has to be a religious ceremony involved.
They're still at it.
Did you not hear what they were talking about when you brought their coffee? - As Glenbogle housekeeper, I've taken a vow of silence.
- I hadn't noticed.
Actually, Archie's thinking of having you committed.
Just needs another signature for the form.
Is the minister still here? Yeah.
What's going on? I shouldn't say, but I did hear them mention marriage.
- I didn't like to eavesdrop.
- You're his mother.
You're meant to eavesdrop.
( door opens, men laughing ) Not at all, Archie.
I look forward to the big day.
See you Sunday.
Oh, Archie.
Hello.
Hi.
I haven't seen a shifty bunch of characters outside a police lineup.
Who, dear? Us? I'm glad you're all here.
I have an announcement to make.
There's going to be a wedding at Glenbogle.
Who's the lucky girl? She's from Glasgow.
You don't know her.
Archie, you are a dark horse.
I am delighted for you! When are your father and I going to meet her? Wait, it's not me.
I'm not the one getting married.
Oh, well.
You better start again, then.
It occurred to me that Glenbogle would make a great venue for weddings.
All we need is the minister's permission.
Ah, right.
We could go for a homely, intimate affair.
Lexie could run the catering.
Mother could do the flowers.
Duncan could be factotum.
Golly could provide the game.
Hector could look after the car park.
That is a fantastic idea! Hear that? Factotum.
That's Latin for "gofer.
" In fact, we have our first couple arriving this afternoon.
- Already? - Pamela McAlpine and Eric Morton from Glasgow.
Apparently they're rolling in it.
If we impress them, and word gets around- I'm off to shop in my secateurs.
- I'm off to iron my kilt.
- Mind you take it off first.
Have you thought about music? Yes.
Maybe by special request.
It's Scottish, Archie.
You need the pipes.
( snickering ) Not everyone likes bagpipes, Golly.
I could educate them.
( doorbell ringing ) Hello.
- How are you? - Unemployed.
Is Hector here? They're closing down the school at the end of the term.
They want to bus the kids to the new big school - at Glenmorriston.
- That's miles away.
We're just on the edge of the catchment area.
They've been talking about it but I never believed it would happen.
Who would? It's insane! We need Hector at the meeting.
He's on the board of governors.
He'll be there, and so will the laird.
I don't think your title will count for much.
Fine, I'll come as Archie MacDonald.
We need all the help we can get.
They're sending down some spin doctor from the board of education.
We'll hand him his head in a basket.
Whatever it takes, Katrina.
Thanks.
And you want me to make up the numbers? I want you to make your voice heard, as a member of the community.
I've only been here a few months.
What are you building the hide for, exactly? If the school closes, it'll be empty most of the year.
I just I can't, okay? I have to disappear for a few days.
- What for? - It's important to me.
What's more important than this? You'll be fine, okay? One way or another, things will work out.
I know how much this means to you.
If I knew how little it meant to you, I wouldn't have bothered asking.
Katrina why can't these people just go to Gretna Green like everyone else? We're aiming for a rather more upmarket clientele.
Never heard of this chap Morton.
One of these nouveau riche johnnies, I suppose- make their money out of arms dealing and pornography.
We made ours from stealing sheep and subjugating the peasants.
You've been spending too much time with that lefty schoolteacher of yours.
Everyone ready? Where's Golly? - ( bagpipes playing ) - Oh ( pipes whine ) It's never too early to start their education.
Golly, they specifically asked for no pipes.
- And you agreed? - The customer is always right.
- The customer's a cloth-eared loon! - Put them back, please.
Remember, this could be a real earner for Glenbogle.
The keynote is intimate and sophisticated.
Miss McAlpine, welcome to Glenbogle.
You must be Archie.
You've got the looks to go with the voice.
Duncan will help you with your bags.
No need.
Eric's onto it.
- No, please.
- No, really.
He likes to keep busy.
This must be your staff.
My family.
Hector MacDonald, my father.
Delighted.
He's got a twinkle in his eye.
I bet you're always chasing after the maids, eh? Certainly not.
At my age, it's safer to ambush them.
- This is my mother.
- Molly MacDonald.
Welcome to Glenbogle, Ms.
McAlpine.
We promise you the most delightful wedding.
Oh, lovely.
But I'm not a "Ms.
" Just call me Pamela- ooh! Who is this? I'm Golly, Miss McAlpine.
The ghillie.
Oh.
You look after the fishing? Amongst other duties, yes.
I love the kilt.
If my luck's in, the wind picks up, I'll get to inspect your tackle.
- Perhaps you'd like to - this way.
Certainly.
"Upmarket clientele," eh? I know you think she's a little plainspoken.
"Plainspoken"? Her mind's like a midden, and a mouth like a highland bog.
And I like her already.
I started off with a wee cafe in Garnet Hill.
All day breakfast.
That sort of thing.
And you expanded from there? Not really, no.
My uncle died and left me a shedload of money.
Pamela's been my waitress these past four years.
Keeps the punters on their toes.
She's a terrible flirt, but a heart of gold.
I never had the nerve to pop the question till my ship came in.
Who says money can't buy you happiness, eh? Tea up.
And coffee, and scones.
This is Lexie, our housekeeper.
- What will you be having? - same as always, Lexie.
- Lexie! - That's my gawky wee girl.
Hello, mom.
Mom?! Surprise! Good lord! - Sorry- - I heard you got a job up here.
I saw Archie's advert and I thought, "that's the very place I want to get married.
" Oh, really? We'll have to fit a revolving door then, eh? Lexie, I'm Eric.
It's a joy to meet you.
I thought you'd be younger.
Aye, math was never your strong point, honey.
You two must have lots of catching up to do.
Not really, no.
- Excuse me.
- Archie: Lexie! Kids, hey? Lexie? Where are you going? To slip into something more comfortable, like a taxi to Glasgow! What is going on between you? - Have you got a week? - Pamela and Eric are our guests.
We treat them with a modicum of civility, okay? I am going to a meeting this evening.
I need you to look after them.
You want me to sit back and think of Glenbogle? - How hard can it be? - You have no idea! Molly: And here we have the bridal suite.
Hector and I spent our first night here 40 years ago now.
Hardly used it since.
Yes, it does smell a little funny at first.
You're not kidding.
Not to worry.
A blast of fresh air, and you'll hardly notice it.
I'll try the one in the bathroom.
On second thoughts, it is rather chilly outside.
I'll fetch some potpourri.
Thank you.
Archie: Sorry we're late.
Father couldn't decide which hat to wear.
So long since I've been to one of these things.
The guy from the department of education hasn't arrived yet.
I've saved you a seat, Hector.
Andy.
Andy McArdle.
Archie! Archie, you dog, how are you? I'd forgotten this was your old stamping ground.
- Still is.
- What are you doing these days? Not much.
I'm the laird.
- Oh, great.
- What about you? Mr.
McArdle is the spin doctor for the Department of Education.
Head of Media and Public Relations.
Wow! Who'd have thought it? Jack and I were at school together.
- Jack? - Short for Jackanory.
He used to tell the most amazingly tall tales.
I can well believe it.
I've read your press release.
Shall we get started? Man: Glenmorriston's 18 miles away.
You can't expect parents to drive their children there and back every day.
The local council will be providing a bus service- - free of charge.
- ( crowd murmuring ) And what about their friends from the village? Their friends will be going with them, and they'll make new friends at their new school.
Look, this is all missing the point.
The village needs its school.
It's the focal point of our community.
Glenmorriston school has better facilities, better resources, more modern buildings.
Don't your children deserve the best? Look, Jack- Mr.
McArdle, our children are already getting the best here at home.
You cannot ship them nearly 40 miles every day, not at their age.
You close the school, and soon all the families will leave, and all you'll have left here is a ghost town.
Is that really what your department wants? ( murmuring ) Look, the decision's not been written in stone.
I'm here to consult with you and to pass your comments on to the department.
Believe me, they'll receive serious consideration.
That was great, Archie.
Maureen and I might have a job come September after all.
I don't know if it'll make any difference.
It's got to.
You really did hand him his head in a basket.
Thanks.
I'll mention it in my sermon Sunday, get the word around.
Good idea.
Spread some much needed panic and despondency.
Minister: Sorry? Let's hope they demolish the place.
We could do with a decent car park.
You're supposed to be on our side.
It's time the local brats got out of this bible-thumping backwater.
Every Sunday dragged off to church and barracked about hell and damnation! No wonder they grow up to be superstitious buffoons.
Do 'em good to get away from all that religious twaddle! I'll walk home.
I'm sorry, you'll have to forgive my father.
He likes to shock.
He's very good at it.
Perhaps, if you want to hold weddings at the big house, you should find another minister.
So your name's McAlpine now? Whirlwind romance.
Didn't work out.
So, what's new? All that's behind me now.
Let's forget about the past, eh? All I want is for my friends at the wedding to see my lovely wee girl.
You inviting your ex-boyfriends to the wedding? We'll have to airlift in supplies.
Don't be like that, Lex.
It's gonna be a special day for all of us.
A fresh start, what do you say? Look, I know I haven't been much of a mother.
I'm the only one you've got, by the way.
I know I've made mistakes.
Such as? Not spending enough time with you.
I mean, I tried.
It wasn't easy.
God knows I was away myself.
And you always had to be the center of attention.
- Me? - Aye.
This is gonna be my big day, and you can be a part of it.
I never wanted to be the center of attention! I just wanted to exist! You spent more time fixing your hair than you did talking to me.
Don't start, Lex.
You nearly had me going there for a minute.
Go ahead, forget the past.
I wish I could.
Ah.
Can we discuss the catering? Yeah! We'll serve grass! That's what cows eat! I mean it! She's not here to get married, she's here to humiliate me! I'm not gonna play! Where are our guests? I rather fancy being appalled by Lexie's mother.
Yes, and perhaps you could explain to me why the Reverend Mitchell won't be marrying them? You'll find another minister.
The hills are crawling with them.
It took me all morning to persuade that one.
What have you got against him? That pompous, sanctimonious windbag? Nothing whatsoever.
Then you won't mind apologising to him.
Of course not.
I'll tell you what.
As soon as the loch freezes over, I'll skate across to his church and say, "sorry.
" ( door closes ) ( bagpipes playing ) Oh, god sorry, Archie.
Did I wake you? Along with the rest of the glen, yes.
It beats that today program, though, eh? Golly, I've told you.
Our guests cannot stand the bagpipes.
But they haven't heard them in the proper context.
And they're not going to! I can do requests.
Give me a tune.
Any thing you like.
Can you play "far, far away"? "Far, far away"? Right.
Golly, don't disappear.
Golly! I want one of the big, stripey tents to cover the whole garden, and I want an orchestra that plays classical music- you know, Mozart, James Galway, that kind of thing.
An orchestra? Archie, if you've got it, flaunt it.
And I want lilies everywhere.
Pink and white.
I love the smell of lilies.
They're not really very common around here.
Don't worry about it.
I know a posh place in Edinburgh that does them.
Now, cars- I want a fleet of white Rolls-Royces to pick up all our guests from the railway station.
And then, when we leave I want it to be something really spectacular.
Hot air balloon? That's brilliant.
You're dead good at this, Archie.
See, if I was just a couple of years younger Pamela.
Relax.
I'm not married yet.
Have you discussed the menu with Lexie? No need.
We're hiring the caterers.
Anyway, Lexie will be far too busy being my bridesmaid.
Bridesmaid? Have you spoken to her about this? No I've tried.
She has a whole bag of chips on her shoulder.
Actually, maybe if you talked to her.
Oh, I don't think it's really my place.
Go on, Archie.
Do it for me.
How could she resist those big brown eyes of yours? What woman could? All right, I'll give it a go.
Good.
Now, the minister's all organised, is he? Yes, yes, of course.
Archie: I've already spoken to the Reverend Mitchell, but he suggested I try to find somebody else.
I know it's not in your parish, but right.
Okay, thank you.
Goodbye.
- How are you getting on? - Oh, like a house on fire.
Am I imagining things, or does father have it in for our minister? Yes, he does rather.
He hasn't spoken to him since Jamie's funeral.
Now, about the flowers for the wedding the fuchsias are just coming into bloom, and they'll make such a pretty bouquet.
The thing is, Pamela has asked for orchids and lilies.
Archie, I can't possibly provide those.
She's already spoken to a florist in Edinburgh.
Oh, very well.
There will still be plenty for you to do.
You and Pamela seem to have everything under control.
Why don't I just leave you to it? ( slams door ) Archie I've just received this fax from your friend Andrew McArdle.
They had no intention of listening to us.
Blah blah blah "we regret to confirm that the closure will go ahead as planned.
" I'm so sorry.
What can I do? You could ask everyone in the house to join the campaign.
I would if they were speaking to me.
- What's going on? - You don't want to know.
- Yeah, I do.
- How's Fergal these days? If I could find him, I'd tell you.
You can always rely on a man to let you down.
All right, boss.
Thank you.
Treacle tarts.
I buy them at the supermarket.
That's a long walk.
Me and your mother got together over one of those.
I saw her sitting out on the bridge, looking down at the river.
Some guy had dumped her.
I took her out some treacle tart and said, "this'll glue a broken heart together.
" She laughed.
We got talking for the first time.
Wasn't really gonna jump, was she? Sometimes she's a scared wee girl.
Give her another chance, Lexie.
Carrying a grudge will wear you out.
Oh.
Should have known I'd find you in here.
Just picking up some tips from the chef.
Listen, I'll leave you two girls to talk.
He's a lovely guy.
You're very lucky.
He's the lucky one.
I mean, finding someone that really cares about you.
- That's not easy.
- you would think that.
I've never had any trouble finding men.
No, it was keeping count that was the hard part.
Can I help it if men find me attractive? Like that cute wee laird? Archie? Just because he lives amongst antiques doesn't mean he wants to go off with one.
Ooh! I suppose you're hoping he'll stoke your AGA one day.
Well, I don't suppose it hurts to dream.
- Ooh! Get off me with that! - It's for your dress.
- What dress? - Your bridesmaid's dress.
Looks like you take after your father.
Still, we'll save on material.
If you think I'm putting on some frock for your tacky wee circus- you're not turning up like that.
I'm not turning up at all.
But I'll turn up at your funeral in my dancing shoes! - How's that, eh? - Lexie - I'm sorry, she really seems - like a spoiled wee brat.
I know.
I suppose I should blame her mother.
The thing is, Archie, I've set my heart on her coming to the wedding and see, if she doesn't, well I might just have to call the whole thing off.
- I'm sorry.
- I'll talk to her.
I promise.
Don't do anything hasty.
( knocks ) Don't tell me.
She's got her heart set on me coming to the wedding.
No talent for music, my mother, but she can play any man like a ukulele.
Lexie, Pamela's making a real effort.
Why don't you just give her a break? Okay, she winds you up.
Father does that to me.
I know how you feel.
My dad walked out when I was five years old.
Ever since then, my mother's brought home everything in trousers.
I didn't have a home.
I grew up in a flophouse pretending to be 30, while she pretended she was 17.
You sure you know how that feels? Then one day, this creep she'd brought home made a pass at me.
I told her.
She believed him.
Some guy she just met.
Said it was my- "wishful thinking.
" I had to leave.
15 and living on the streets, staying in bedsits and hostels.
Then one day I fixed upon Glenbogle.
Your mother took me in.
This is the nearest thing to home I've ever had.
Do you really know how that feels, Archie? I'm not going to the wedding.
I'd rather leave.
What's the punishment for truancy? - Expulsion.
- Katrina- seeing as we're all being expelled anyway, it hardly matters.
Would it have made any difference if I'd been here? It would have made a difference to me.
I had to go to Edinburgh.
Some friends are setting up a wildlife park in New Zealand.
4,000 square miles of virgin forest.
And they need a ranger.
Who did you suggest? The best man for the job.
Me.
I know.
New Zealand isn't exactly handy for commuting.
Well what about Glenbogle? My work here is finished.
Duncan can manage.
Right.
Well, at least one of us has a job.
I've, um never been good at sticking in one place, Katrina.
Never had much reason to till I met you.
I haven't accepted the job yet, and I'm not going to, unless you come too.
Me? ( knocks ) Arch, good to see you.
Thanks, haz.
So what are you doing in this neck of the woods? I was wondering if you had time for a pint? - I'm not sure - if you're busy then don't be daft.
I'm a civil servant.
I'll finish off here.
What, closing down another primary school? Sorry, Archie, you know how it is, the relentless quest for efficiency.
We are right on the edge of the catchment area.
You must have some discretion.
I'd love to, Arch, but Lizzie wants rationalization, and that's what she's gonna get.
- Lizzie? - Sorry.
Elizabeth Renshaw, Minister for Education.
My boss.
Okay, so what about sponsorship? You postpone closing the school while we try to find local businesses who want to help with funding.
Interesting.
Show me some figures, we'll review the situation next year.
Once the school is closed, that is it! 100ut of 10 for effort, Arch, but I'm sorry, the decision's been made.
Well, I had to ask.
Isn't that you with the first minister? Yes.
At a private dinner for high flyers, so-called.
And there you are getting a medal for excellence in media relations.
Silly, really, but "Andrew McArdle, M.
A.
Hons, Oxford.
" So they changed their minds then? - Who? - Oxford.
I distinctly remember you failed the entrance exam.
Yes, but I- I retook it.
Mmm no, you didn't.
You never went to university.
There's nothing wrong with a little poetic license on the old C.
V.
I suppose not, unless you use it to land a cushy job with the civil service.
Oh, dear Jackanory.
Archie: What are those? New flyers for the campaign.
Wish I'd caught you sooner.
I could have saved you the trouble.
- Oh? - The good news is the school will be staying open, the bad news is the older kids will still have to go to Glenmorriston, so the school will only need one teacher.
You've been pulling strings, haven't you? Something like that.
That's fantastic.
I wish there was something I could do to repay you.
You could take over Glenbogle while I go on holiday for a year or two.
Are you gonna tell me what's wrong now? Oh, not much.
Golly's got the hump, father's insulted the minister, Lexie's matricidal, everyone seems determined to knacker this project - before it's even started.
- The grand wedding project.
No one seems to care that I am trying to turn Glenbogle into a successful venue.
But it's not a venue, it's your home.
I know you're trying to turn a profit, but what's the point if it's making everyone miserable? You know, you are really irritating when you're right.
So when are you gonna tell Maureen that her job's going? I don't know.
I have to wait for the right time.
Well, good luck.
In my experience, there isn't one.
( car approaches ) Oh.
Hi.
( grunts ) Can you tell me why you think the Reverend Mitchell is such a pompous windbag when you never even go to church? I heard him once.
Didn't think much of it.
At Jamie's funeral.
Was it? I don't remember.
That's what mother told me.
I remember him talking about god's special purpose, how we mustn't question it.
How pain told you that you were alive, and that Jamie was in a better place.
My son was lying there in a coffin and that arrogant halfwit was telling me it was all for the best.
I'm sorry, I had no idea.
Why should you? You were only a boy at the time.
I do remember that day.
Silence everywhere mother trying to smile but her eyes were so red Jamie should have been running this place.
He could have organised a wedding without putting everyone's backs up.
You don't do too badly all things considered.
You can't go.
There's a job for you here now that Archie's saved the school.
There's a job for somebody.
I wouldn't have to fire my deputy if it weren't for Fergal.
Katrina, you're part of this place, not just the school.
The village, the big house.
And Archie's a good manager.
He's stubborn, headstrong.
You're the only one that can get through to him.
- he needs you.
- You wouldn't know it.
He doesn't know it, lass.
You ask him what he thinks before you decide.
I want to, but- what? Are you scared? I am not scared.
Good.
So Archie's stubborn and headstrong? He's like a big kid sometimes.
Would he go off and sulk if he couldn't play the bagpipes? That is about standing up for our culture, Katrina.
I thought it was about some stranger's wedding.
Archie's trying to run a business.
He can't do it on his own.
Pamela: This orchestra idea is daft.
I think what we need is a big band.
Saxophones, white djs, the whole jang-bang shooting match.
- I talked to Lexie.
- Don't fret.
She'll cheer up when she sees that designer frock I got her.
She's not gonna be your bridesmaid.
I thought she worked for you.
I don't hire her out for weddings.
I see.
She's been spinning you one of her sad sob stories, has she? Poor wee neglected Lexie.
What about me? Do you think it was fun being a single mother? Whatever problems you and Lexie have, you can work them out, but making her your bridesmaid perhaps isn't the right place to start.
We can still do your wedding, - though not on the scale you'd imagined.
- What do you mean? Glenbogle isn't really the place for big bands and hot air balloons.
Are you saying you won't arrange them? I'm saying we can do something really special and intimate- oh I don't want "special and intimate.
" I want it the way I planned it.
I want the tent, I want the lilies, and I want that backstabbing wee madam out here wearing the dress that I paid for! But no- she's far too busy slagging me off! And you believe her! This was supposed to be my special day! And you two have ruined it! I'm phoning my lawyer! I never wanted to get married in this ugly slum anyway! Oh super.
Oh, you- you've had the place painted.
That was 10 years ago.
Oh.
Yes, Stewart liked it gloomy.
It suited him.
- Stewart? - Reverend James.
Chap you took over from.
Man of few words.
Shortest sermons in Scotland.
Not big on the "religious twaddle," then? - No.
Well - when I started out, I knew a minister's duty was to offer comfort, so I used to talk.
A lot.
The trouble is, I knew nothing except cliches from books.
I was that green.
When I think of what I said at your son's funeral, I want to hang my head in shame.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realise- no- I'm sorry, Hector.
I've been wanting to apologise for years.
I was just too embarrassed, I suppose.
I came to apologise to you.
Take a seat.
It's a good place to be still.
And I promise to say nothing.
You never made up with Lexie? She's the one making things up.
I came here to get married, Pamela.
- Why do you think I came? - To show off.
To rub Lexie's nose in your good fortune.
You haven't stopped needling her since we arrived.
Aye, well, it's her fault.
She brings out the worst in me.
Why, because she reminds you of your mistakes? I just don't want to get married here, okay? So you canceled it, just like that? - without even telling me? - You can get married here by yourself if you want.
I don't want to get married at all.
You used to make me laugh, you know? You used to make me feel I was the luckiest man alive.
And now I think if you came into my cafe, I'd turn you away.
I wish I'd never seen that money.
If you're sticking your head in there, move over.
No point.
There isn't gas.
I told Pamela you won't be appearing.
What did she say? She didn't say much.
She screamed a lot.
About lawsuits and bankruptcy, that sort of thing.
- She wouldn't.
- Forget it.
I'm not dragging you to the altar in chains.
I'd never find the shoes to match, for one thing.
I'm sorry, Arch.
Oh, don't apologise.
We don't choose our parents.
The worst thing is what she does to you.
You're normally so vivacious and exuberant.
Sharp.
As soon as Pamela walks in, you shrivel up.
I know.
It's just she- but it's only because you let her.
Don't you see how much she envies you? - Me? - Yes, you.
She envies your independence, your self-reliance, your self-assurance.
And your looks.
Stop, Arch.
Okay.
No, go on.
I mean it, Lexie, you are everything that she wants to be.
I know you had a terrible childhood, and I can't begin to imagine it, but you're you, in spite of all your disadvantages.
And that just makes you more amazing.
Thanks, Arch.
You're a very sweet man.
In spite of all your- advantages.
Come on.
Now, no more talk about leaving Glenbogle, okay? You are wanted here.
What for? You're a better cook than I am.
For your Lexie-ness.
- Wanted by whom? - By everyone.
Including you? Especially me.
Katrina, hi.
We were just- yeah, I can see.
I shouldn't have- wh-who are you looking for? It doesn't matter.
Timing, eh? Where are you going? I'm just gonna help my mom pack.
Do you want a hand? No.
I'm just gonna chuck her clothes out the window.
It's only me.
You can turn off the waterworks.
Leave me alone.
What's up? He's gone.
Run off.
Just like the rest of them.
Eric? Well like you say, men are like buses- nothing for ages, then three arrive at once.
Aye, well the bus service around here ain't what it used to be.
So, what? You have money for taxis.
It's not about the money.
That's not why I was marrying him.
Yeah, right! Think the worst.
Go ahead.
But he was always so good to me.
Never judged me, and he was always there.
Until you drove him off.
It's never your fault, is it? Everyone always dumps on poor wee Pamela.
Aye, including my family.
Oh, come on! You didn't expect me to run into your arms.
You must have known what would happen.
It happens to you all the time! And what would you know? Look at you, with your pert wee face and your lovely skin and your perfect body, living in a beautiful house surrounded by people who love you! What do you know about anything? Well jealousy ( together ) gets you nowhere.
Look, you didn't love him.
So just dry your eyes and move on.
I did love him.
I do.
You really do, don't you? ( bagpipes playing ) Do you need some help there? Are you taking the haimish? These are bagpipes, okay? If you don't like them, you can cover your ears.
- Henderson's, 1930s? - What? I used to skirl a bit myself, in the army.
- Thought you hated them.
- That was Pamela, not me.
You let a woman forbid you the pipes? Hand them over.
There's life in the old fingers yet.
( playing ) Wouldn't it be more humane just to kill it outright? What are you doing here? I brought you something.
Treacle tart.
That'll glue together a broken heart.
Right, well we'll leave you to it.
Molly: Jimmy said we'd have a crate of pink champagne by midday.
I'll believe that when I see it.
Put that by the loch, then move the trellis from the flower garden.
- What's going on? - didn't anyone tell you there's gonna be a wedding? I think you're giving away the bride, but not in that jumper.
Who's gonna officiate? Hector: Reverend Mitchell said he can come over anytime.
I suggested 10:30 so we can have a quick run-through.
Morning, Archie.
Did I miss something? I know you were planning a grand ceremony, dear, but Pamela asked for something a little more intimate.
Intimate? Marvelous.
Absolutely marvelous.
No, Hector.
Dreadful.
No sense of style, that woman.
Oh, what about ivy for fidelity? Yes, please.
Which tie would sir prefer? They're all lovely.
It's customary just to wear one, I'm afraid.
Archie, the minister's here.
How do I look? Like a gorilla in a kilt.
Thank you.
A sexy gorilla.
Ahem-hem! ( playing ) I therefore declare you to be husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Hector: Bravo! - ( applause ) Lexie I forgot to say you look lovely.
And I forgot to say, so do you.
Just a little something.
Oh, Eric, please, this is far too much.
Listen, son, what you've given us today, money can't buy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Archie hi.
That was beautiful.
Yeah, it was it was very moving.
What? I'm giving you my notice.
I've been offered another job - in New Zealand.
New Zealand? You haven't been that miserable here, have you? Quite the opposite.
I've done all I can here.
It's time to move on.
Right, yeah.
Well.
You've done a fabulous job.
Thank you.
I'm going with him.
Eh? Maureen's going to take over as head teacher at the school.
All this closure business has just made me rethink my options.
I want to see a bit more of the world before I hand in my bus pass.
Right.
Yes, yes, of course.
Well, you'll be missed.
I'll see you before you go, yeah? Can you give me a minute? Yeah, sure.
Look after Archie for me, okay? I hope you two will be very happy together.
There is no "us two.
" Not the way you mean.
What you saw the other day, it was just- we were both a bit lost- needed a bit of reassurance, that's all.
Though I wouldn't mind it if we did.
Someday.
But maybe after you've gone.
I'm not catching him on the rebound.
Good luck to you too, okay? See you.
( theme music playing )