Monday Monday (2009) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
I know about your little secret.
Can you bring me everything to do with Uxbridge Holdings? It's time to shut it down.
I want to stop drinking! I want to stop making ridiculous mistakes.
I've changed, you know.
I was impressed by things then that I'm just not impressed by any more.
Guess who.
Let them talk.
What's your name, lad? Roger Sorsby, sir.
And why do you want to work for Butterworth's? Me mam said I need a job.
Ha! Ambitious type, eh? Well, let me tell you something, young Sorsby.
You put in the hard graft, you'll get the rewards.
You mess about, you get this.
Ow! Still want the job? Yes, sir.
You'll do alright, lad.
ROGER: This isn't any of that Asti Spumante rubbish.
This is the real McCoy.
Made in Belgium.
Well, near enough.
Jenny! All work and no play.
I sometimes wonder how much thinner I'd be if I walked the two yards to her office.
Actually, it's three yards.
I had it measured for a carpet runner.
Oh, always trying to sneak in soft furnishings.
It's like working with my wife.
God forbid! Can you imagine? Sorry.
I didn't mean, erm Well, I'm sure it works for some people, not that you're married.
Right! Here's to turning a corner.
To our best figures for three years.
Congratulations.
Well, I can't take all the credit.
Some of Alyson's ideas are really taking off.
Some of them? The press conference is schedule for Wednesday at two.
Gavin asked for it to be put back so he could come from London.
The chairman's coming up? First rule of management.
Claim any success as your own.
Yes, I've heard that can happen.
Top up, anybody? BOTH: No, I'm alright, thanks.
Oh, how sweet.
Actually, we should get going.
You've got a ten o'clock.
Oh, you're right.
Oh, listen, before I forget, we've had a query from Accounts about some company - Uxbridge something.
Uxbridge Holdings, I think.
They're invoicing us and nobody seems to know anything about them.
Doesn't ring any bells.
Well, don't worry.
I'll get Steven to look into it.
No, no, I'll have a word.
Accounts can be an awkward lot.
You're looking particularly lovely in that outfit.
Oh, give it a rest, Steven.
What? The jokey, flirty stuff.
I'm just messing around.
Yeah, well, you've just gone public with Alyson.
Not fair on her, is it? But we're just mates.
Exactly, and I don't flirt with my mates.
I've tried everything to give up drinking, but it's just too hard, doc.
Have you thought of getting some residential care? What - a rehab clinic? Those places are full of drug addicts! There is a medical trial going on at the moment for a new drug.
It's a variation on an appetite suppressant.
It's supposed to quell the desire for alcohol.
Well, brilliant! Let's try that, then.
These trials are very oversubscribed.
You might have to wait a month or so.
A month? No, but I'm desperate.
Well, I'd need a very good reason to move you to the top of the list.
Well, I wake up every morning, shivering cold, cursing the fact that I'm still alive, I think about killing myself three or four times a day, and the only thing that kills the pain is the vodka in my coffee.
There is no-one more in need of this treatment than me.
It'd mean keeping a diary.
My favourite book is Anne Frank.
All sorted.
Are you sure? I spoke to Barbara in Accounts and told her there'd been an admin error.
And I'd speak to Uxbridge Holdings myself.
And she believed you? Why was an invoice sent anyway? I thought you'd explained.
It's all over.
She's not getting another penny.
I did.
I'll get in touch and make it absolutely clear.
Why today, of all days? Just relax.
It will all be fine.
Arggh! Oh! My new fitness regime.
Been using the weights you bought me.
Well, clearly it's working.
Hmm.
Morning, Colin.
MAN: Morning, sir.
Morning.
Hello, love.
What are you doing here? I got a taxi from the station.
Well, I thought you said your train got in at 12.
No, I said 11.
No, you said 12! Roger, I know what I said.
Oh.
Well, you're here now.
(Kisses) Lasagne or salad? I could do with losing a few pounds.
And your line is, 'No, Alyson, you're perfect just the way you are.
' Well, you are.
Do I really need to say it? Every single day.
It won't last.
Don't care if it does.
You looked like you did when they kissed in public.
That wasn't a kiss.
That was a polite peck.
Oh! You'd have done better, would you? I'm over it, Tash.
Well, then, I think it's time for the list.
Hey, listen, we've got that first aid course tomorrow, so I thought we should just get rid of all the mingers and get some real hotties in instead.
And do you know what? I'll even organise it.
Oh! (Coughs) Yes! Oh, no! And this is Human Resources.
Is Christine around? Yeah, she's Yeah, maybe catch up with her later.
Oh, Alyson! Please may I introduce my good lady wife Clara? Oh, how lovely to meet you.
Roger's told me so much about you.
Likewise.
What were you expecting - a pointy hat and a broomstick? (Laughter) We'll Oh, won't be a sec.
So, how are you finding Leeds? It's Uxbridge Holdings.
What about it? She's in your office.
You can't just turn up like this.
Well, you wouldn't take my calls.
You don't reply to my emails.
I instructed Jenny I don't want to speak to Jenny.
I want to speak to you.
I'm not just going to disappear, Roger.
Look, my wife's here today.
I can't possibly deal with this now.
Maybe we could meet later in the week.
Maybe I should just go and speak to your wife and tell her what's been going on No, alright! Alright.
Tomorrow.
That's the best I can do.
(Sighs) I'll get Jenny to phone you with the details.
Well, lovely to see you again.
Jenny, could you see Margaret out? Of course.
She looked familiar.
Yeah, just an old employee after some more work.
Oh.
Wait till you see my new office.
Oooh, yes.
This is much nicer.
CLARA: Are you having a midlife crisis? Oh, it's like you've always said.
Got to look after the old ticker.
Hey, all those years of nagging really worked.
Not that it was nagging - more concerned advice.
Yeah, Jenny brought me these.
You know how she enjoys looking after me.
I certainly do.
Well, she's got no-one else to fuss over.
So, where are you taking me? You're going into the office.
Just for a bit.
I thought we were going to spend some time together.
Wasn't that the whole point of me coming up? I'll take you for a posh lunch, and then after, Leeds is our oyster.
One o'clock? Roger, that woman in your office yesterday.
She was Christine's old PA, wasn't she? Yeah, yeah.
She came by to visit Christine.
Just popped by my office to say hello.
Nice of her, really.
Margaret something, wasn't it? Erm, I think so, yeah.
I'd better go and get dressed.
Would you say that was, erm, a mild change or noticeable change? Noticeable change.
Definitely noticeable.
I am off for my first aid course.
Oh, Christine.
Well done.
Ha.
ALYSON: Christine, have you done that report yet? Departmental effectiveness? Oh, pfft.
That.
Absolutely, yes.
Good.
You'll have that on your desk by yesterday, if not before.
No, this afternoon's fine.
Oh, my God! That is massive! You can do this.
SALLY: Oh, I can't believe you talked me into this.
Oh, come on! Two days with the cream of the crop.
I think I'm a genius.
Which ones are definites? Right, him.
Oh, he's gorgeous! Oh! MAN: Hi.
Is this the room for the first aid course? Yeah.
Take a seat.
(Lisps) Is this the first aid course? (Laughs) I did a swap with Troy.
Hates the sight of blood.
Ah! Hello, everybody.
I am Mark.
I'll be your instructor.
I'm just going to unpack this and we'll get cracking.
(Chokes) Hello.
Hello.
Sorry.
OK, OK, it's not all doom and gloom.
Oh, shit.
I forgot to cancel the original list.
Hey! Morning.
Steven.
Double shit! MARGARET: We had an agreement.
You can't just stop it.
It's been ten years.
It's time to move on, for both of us.
Well, what am I supposed to do now? Get a job! I want that money, and if I don't get it, then this isn't going to be a secret for much longer.
It's not just me that'll go down for this.
You're as much a part of it as I am.
Difference is, Roger, I've got nothing to lose.
I'll be at your office at three.
If the answer is still no, I'm going to tell everyone our little secret.
CHRISTINE: And with regard to the appraisal process, would you say that the HR department was helpful, very helpful, or extremely helpful? Are they the only options? I'll just put 'very helpful'.
To be honest, I found the whole thing a total waste of time, and it makes it even worse that you waste my time again by asking me how I had my time wasted in the first place.
Well, of course I sympathise, Max, but probably best to put a positive spin on things.
Mmm, yeah, good luck with that, because I have got a list of complaints about you guys as long as my I'll give you an extra week's holiday.
Make it two.
Done.
So, just to confirm, do you find the HR department helpful, very helpful, or extremely helpful? Extremely helpful.
Oooh! We can't just start up the account again.
We have to be smarter than that.
I do have a plan B.
Research and development? I've made an appointment with Keith Saunders in Finance.
We'll tell him that we're setting up a new project, top secret, and we'll create a new company, start from scratch.
(Sighs) Oh, I don't know.
It's risky.
No, you're right.
Let's do it.
I've set up an appointment at two, before Margaret comes in.
What would I do without you? Oh, you'll never have to find out.
Hang on a minute.
You said the meeting was at two? Oh, my God! I'm meant to be taking Clara out to lunch! I'll call Clara and cancel No, don't.
I'll just make it quick.
MARK: OK, now, this is it.
Once you've made sure there's nothing embedded in the wound, that's when you want to apply the bandage Oh, cheer up! (Laughs) Look - at least someone's having a laugh.
Alright, everyone.
Come on, gather round.
We're going to move on up.
So, that's it.
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
Energy levels, focus.
OK.
We're going to have a little look at upper body injuries.
So, I need a volunteer, someone That's it.
So, imagine that Sally.
Sally over here has severe puncture wounds to the upper arm.
(Mimics slashing) Arggh! (Laughs) Quickly apply pressure here and hold.
That's not too tight, is it? That's alright? That's absolutely fine.
Great.
OK, once you've stemmed the bleeding, you want to make sure that the wound is raised above the heart level, and the heart is just here, OK? And then you just want to raise the arm .
.
above the heart.
Perfect.
CLARA: I quite fancy the veal.
Yeah, I just fancy something nice and quicknice and healthy.
You are having a midlife crisis.
Takes a while to cook veal.
I'll have a salad.
Well, I'm having the veal, and for a starter, I think The starters are not so good here.
Just go for the mains.
Are you OK? Of course I am.
Having a lovely time.
(Sighs) You'll give yourself indigestion.
Look, love, I've just got to nip back to the office.
You stay as long as you like.
Have a dessert.
Aren't you going to wait for me? I'll be a couple of hours, tops.
(Kisses) (Mobile phone beeps) Er, Rog Hello.
Yeah.
Good morning.
How may I (Knocks) Clara! How are you? Oh, I'm well.
Do you fancy a coffee? CHRISTINE: What - he doesn't slag off Alyson? CLARA: Well, not much.
Oh.
Trouble with your husband is he's too bloody nice.
You know, it really is good to see you.
Oh, you too.
You're looking great.
Have you still got that lovely PA? Sally? What an angel.
Whatever happened to that old PA of yours - Margaret, was it? Oh, Margaret Fox.
God, dreadful woman! I'd rather not remember her.
Terrible slut.
Have you heard much of her? No, I haven't seen her in years, thank God.
Really? Why? Why are you asking? Oh, no reason.
She just popped into my mind the other day, that's all.
(Gasps) Oh, my God! You know, don't you? Know what? No Nothing.
It's just Nothing.
You know, I say I say nothing.
Everything's something, isn't it? But this something really is nothing.
Do you want some cake? That all seems fine.
Can't see why we wouldn't be able to fast-track it by the end of the week.
And we can keep this just between ourselves for now? It's very important our competitors don't find out about this.
Absolutely.
Just between us.
And Alyson, obviously.
No.
No, no, this'll come from the R&D account.
I can sign that off.
Er, sorry, no, you can't.
R&D comes under Alyson now.
Can't I do anything without having to ask that bloody woman?! I'll have to ask her if I want to have a piss next! Sorry.
(Breathes heavily) What are we going to do? We'll think of something.
I've got the headache from hell.
Would you like me to nip out and get some aspirin? Yeah.
Thanks.
(Puffs) CLARA: Roger, are you alright? Roger? She's going to tell everyone.
What are you talking about? What was I thinking of, getting involved with someone like her? What's the matter with you? What? Clara? Are you having an affair? What? You're seeing that Margaret Fox woman, aren't you? No! No, no, it's nothing like that.
Then tell me what the hell is going on.
You're not heading back to the office, are you? Mm-mm.
Yeah, I think I might slope off too.
So, you're not talking to me, then? I'm not not talking to you.
I'm just not talking.
Is it something I've done, or Steven, not everything's about you.
So, we're fine, then.
Yes! OK! OK.
Guys, I am SO in there.
His pulse went up by, like, 10bpm when I ran my foot up his leg.
Or maybe you were scaring him.
Why didn't we think of this before? I mean, if we mixed this with speed dating, we'd be making a fortune.
Brilliant.
(He's coming, he's coming.
) Right, have a good evening, guys.
Thanks, you too.
Thanks.
If we ever get home.
There's been a, er a bus strike, hasn't there, Sal? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Strike.
I can give you a lift home - well, one of you, anyway.
I've only got the two-seater.
So, do you want a ride, lift home? That'd be lovely! Nice.
Come on.
Oh, erm, apparently sweet tea is good for shock.
You remember the night they offered me the job? Well, the chairman asked me to stay behind late.
He said he wanted to talk to me about something private.
Well, I walked into the boardroom and there they were.
At first I thought they were firing me.
They were all stood there like some mafia hit squad.
And then they said Jenson has resigned.
The job was mine if I wanted it.
I only meant to stay for one.
To Roger! ALL: To Roger! But you know what these posh blokes are like.
MAN: Time for beddy-byes, I think.
Goodnight, then, Gavin.
Thanks, again.
I thought about getting a cab, but I just felt invincible.
I've done it, I've done it, I've done it! Yes! And Margaret had been working late at the office.
No! Arggh! (Thud!) I just didn't see her.
All I could think about was how many years I've given to this company and they were going to take it all away from me.
MAN: Are you alright? It was a hit and run! I didn't see him! This gentleman has stayed with me until you came.
But she came to see me a few days later.
Her leg was in plaster.
She said she'd forget about it if I paid her.
How much did you pay her? It's hard to say.
How much? Well, it wasn't just one payment.
It's been going on for a while.
Since I got the job, really.
That was ten years ago! You've been giving away our money - money we could set aside for the grandchildren No, no.
I never used our money.
Jenny set up a fake business so we could siphon off payments from the company.
And you think that's better? Embezzling, fraud, risking prison? You stupid, stupid man! Who else knows about this? Oh! (Electronic beeping) Suppressodryl.
What's that for? For women's things.
Is it new? Never heard of it before.
Why would you? I'm very into that kind of thing.
I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't get the grades.
Then I wanted to be a vet, but I just find animals really annoying.
Anyway, is it new? Erm, well, yeah, if you must know, it is.
Part of a medical trial.
Oh.
Double-blind trial? I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.
All I know is it works, and to be honest, I have never felt better.
A double-blind trial means that they give one group the real drug and another a placebo.
I mean, any effects could just be psychological.
The human psyche is an amazing thing.
Anyway, Max asked me to give you his leave form.
He's off skiing again.
I can't believe how much holiday he gets.
See you later.
CLARA: This has to stop.
No more money, no more lies.
You tell her it's finished.
I'll stand by you.
Thank you, love.
On one condition.
CLARA, ON SPEAKER: You know what happened to your father.
I don't want that happening to you.
It's time you came home.
I want you to retire.
Peter? It's Jenny Mountfield.
(Laughs) Yes.
Fine, thanks.
Has it been that long? Gosh! You are making me feel old.
Peter, listen, erm, I've had a rethink about my husband's trust fund.
How quickly could I get hold of the money? ROGER, VOICEOVER: Butterworth's has been my home for the last 41 years, and I've valued every moment of my time here.
But it's time to move on.
It's time to .
.
retire.
Roger's made a decision.
He'll give you a one-off payment of L150,000 on the proviso that you never, ever contact him again.
You'll have half now and the rest in six months time if you keep quiet .
.
and leave him and the company alone.
Alright.
Roger's a good man.
I've sweated blood working for him over the years.
If you do anything more to harm him or his career, I swear you will live to regret it.
Please, I need to know - am I on the real drug or the dummy one? Obviously I can't tell you that.
But if I'm on the placebo, don't you understand what that means? It means that I, me, Christine, I'm in control! You know, it means It means I'm cured, doesn't it? Look, all I can say is that it's highly unlikely the drugs could have started working so quickly, so any effects you're feeling at this stage are probably down to you.
So, you're saying I am cured.
No, no, no.
I'm saying it will take time.
Stay on the course.
Keep taking the medication as advised.
Absolutely.
L I'm walking on sunshine Whoa-oh L Oh, hello.
Hello! He (Gasps) What's the matter with you? The man's a sex god.
It was just a ride home.
Everybody knows that when a man offers you a ride, he doesn't mean in his car.
Why didn't you just ask him in? So, how was last night? What car has he got, then? Who? Lover boy.
Oh, I don't know - a Mazda or something.
Oh, Mazda! Sorry, what car have you got? (Gasps) That's right.
You haven't actually got one.
Fine.
You clearly don't want to chat.
Raise your arm.
Not that high.
Ow! What did he think of your flat? Oh, he loved it, especially the bedroom.
Ow! (Mobile phone rings) (Engine starts) GAVIN: And so, without further ado, here's our chief executive Roger Sorsby.
(Applause) The last few months have made me proud beyond belief.
I think we've shown that Butterworth's can once again be a major player in the supermarket industry.
(Applause) But having said that, we mustn't rest on our laurels, and sometimes success means making difficult decisions.
So, it's with great (Cameras click) (Coughs) It's with great .
.
pleasure that I've been able to work with someone as talented and creative as Alyson Cartmell, and here she is.
(Scattered applause) ALYSON: So, today is What's going on? I met Margaret.
She's agreed to let things drop.
What? I think the thought of actually going to the police, of maybe having to face prison, was all too much for her.
She's never going to be bothering you again.
What if she changes her mind? What if she doesn't? I can't just turn my back on the company for no reason.
No reason? You promised me.
Oh, I don't want to retire yet.
I've still got so much to prove.
Why do you need to prove anything? This is This is about fighting Alyson, isn't it? Don't you care about what I want? What about what I want? Where the hell is Roger? Why, what's the matter? Margaret Fox! I just saw Margaret bloody Fox! You've done nothing wrong.
Yes, I have.
I'm an accessory to the crime.
Margaret told me what was going on years ago, but I turned a blind eye.
I could've gone to the police, but I didn't! Why didn't you? Because I didn't want to get Roger into trouble, or you! You know, this is the thanks I get for making a sacrifice.
Well, never again, I tell you! NEVER again! Now, you listen to me.
Uxbridge Holdings has been cancelled.
End of story.
Did you hear what I said? This is not right.
Clara mentioned her yesterday.
Something is going on! Christine, it's over! Uxbridge Holdings is finished.
Do you understand what I said? Yes.
(Laughter) Do you enjoy all this? Well, not as much as they do.
Does nobody retire any more? It's a lot to give up.
This is what they live for.
(Laughter) (Oh, thank God.
) Now, can anyone tell me what CPR stands for? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Come on, anyone? Yes? Cardio-pulmonary resuscitation? Well done, Sal, yeah? (Applause) Sal? He's only known you five minutes.
Shush! So, after you've looked for danger, you've called for help, what's next? Erm, check the airway.
Ow! Very good, Vince! Nice! OK, that's not necessary.
Now, hand on forehead, fingers under the chin, tilt back, look after that spine, and we're looking in the mouth for? False teeth, any obvious obstructions, then remove them.
That's pretty good.
Oh! Now, down, down! It's an emergency, guys.
Come on! And we're looking for breathing.
We're keeping the hand on the forehead.
We're looking for breathing on the chest.
We're feeling for breathing on the cheek Oh, he's good-looking, isn't he? Shh! He's a male nurse, apparently.
We're listening, we're listening Not that I'm, you know, implying anything.
What? Well, you know.
Male nurse, well-groomed.
Yeah, just piecing it together.
Aware I'm not saying he's definitely gay.
Right, that's it.
Outside! Go! I'm sorry, everyone.
Sorry.
Right, when we've finished this course, I want you to move desks.
What? Why? Because you're irritating the hell out of me! What have I done wrong? Tell me! Forget it.
OK! Alright, alright.
This is about me and Alyson, isn't it? Can you just move out of my way, please? Thank you.
Look Look, I didn't know that things would get so complicated, OK? Sal? Look, if I could turn back the clock, I would.
You must know that.
You Sorry! Sorry to disturb you, Sally, Steven.
Er, Christine sleeps in her office.
It's normally on the floor, is it? No, no.
No, it's not.
No.
OK.
Mark, can we get some help, please?! Christine? Christine? Christine? Christine, can you hear me? You don't think she's, er Pissed? Dead! Dead! Oh, my God.
Right, everybody move back.
She's been on a medical trial.
We need an ambulance now! (Siren wails) Raise that heart level.
So, are you going to give him your number? No? I really think you should start seizing the day.
I will when the right guy comes along.
I'm just not sure that Steven is the right guy.
You mean Mark? Yeah.
That's what I said.
Wakey, wakey.
You can go in now.
(Voice fades) Hello.
How are you? Well, this is it - rock-bottom.
They talk about it in AA, but I wasn't sure what they meant.
And I'm probably going to get some hospital superbug now.
Not that anyone would care.
Lovely flowers.
From Max.
See? People do care.
Have they said when you can go home? I don't know.
I couldn't understand what that doctor was saying, and you can't keep asking them to repeat themselves, can you? Just look racist.
Is that bad of me? No.
I was just lying here, Sal, thinking about something.
When I was little, we had a cat.
And he'd bring in birds and leave them half-chewed-up on the kitchen floor, and I'd be sobbing my head off while my dad took them off to the shed, and he told me that he gave them magic medicine so that they'd fly away.
But I just realised he didn't, did he? Probably not.
But isn't the idea of magic medicine nicer than a smack over the head with a shovel? (Gasps) Is that what he did? No, no, no.
Oh! (Sighs) See? I've just I've spent my whole life just seeing what I want to see.
I'm like a turkey with my head in the sand.
You know, at this rate, I'm still going to be sitting here in 20 years time.
I've got to do something, Sally.
I've got to change.
I've made your favourite.
Oh, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there's a slice of Battenberg with my name on it.
How's Clara? She's going back today, isn't she? Yeah, for a bit, but I really think I've convinced her to move up.
Up to standard? Mmm! Absolutely.
Gavin.
I thought you went back last night.
Well, I thought I'd stay a little longer.
Oh, er, do you fancy a spot of lunch? Oh, why not? Oh, private room! Not going to propose to me, are you? I think we need to talk.
Are you sure you're going to be alright? Yeah.
Have a nice time in What are we saying? Cyprus.
(Kisses) Oh, listen, second thoughts, can we just make it Italy? Sounds a bit more cultured.
Italy.
Got it.
Bye.
(Buzzer sounds) Happy now? This isn't personal, Roger I've seen The Godfather, alright? Spare me the cliches.
Listen, I had to tell them.
How did you find out anyway? That's not important.
Tell me.
I want to know.
Did you get your little boyfriend to bug my office?! You really want to know? (Keys jangle) Better hurry up.
I'm going to be late.
They're making me resign.
Why? I think you know.
Why did you do it? Because I want you back.
Because I love you.
I'm sorry.
When will you be coming home? I don't know.
You're going to miss your train.
Right, come on, Steven.
Tash, I am really not in the mood.
Look, don't be so boring! Come on! Do you know, I think I would rather choke? Right, so, is it three thrusts or four? Oh! God! Make it a half, eh? OK, make it a half.
Alright, ready? Oh! That's not how you do it.
Yeah, hang on.
That's you told, eh? Oh! OK, let's try it backwards, babe.
You ready? No! Tash, careful! You're Oh, my God! Oh, hi.
Hi! How's Christine? Fine.
She's gone to Italy for a few days.
Right, and how are you? This is how you do it.
Oh! Arggh! Sorry! Don't worry, I'll save you.
Right! Right out of me! OK, ready? Ready? That made it worse! Sorry, sorry.
Right, open your mouth.
No, you can't do the mouth because I'm conscious You have to stop talking.
I'm going to do it.
Now, that is a kiss.
What's the most terrible thing that could happen to you? What is that two-timing bastard doing here? I made a mistake, Sal, and I want to put things right.
I will tell you the most amazing piece of gossip ever! There's something you should know.
I feel like I'm back at school being bullied! Can I help? It's better if we stop things now.
(Gasps) Closed Captions by CSI
Can you bring me everything to do with Uxbridge Holdings? It's time to shut it down.
I want to stop drinking! I want to stop making ridiculous mistakes.
I've changed, you know.
I was impressed by things then that I'm just not impressed by any more.
Guess who.
Let them talk.
What's your name, lad? Roger Sorsby, sir.
And why do you want to work for Butterworth's? Me mam said I need a job.
Ha! Ambitious type, eh? Well, let me tell you something, young Sorsby.
You put in the hard graft, you'll get the rewards.
You mess about, you get this.
Ow! Still want the job? Yes, sir.
You'll do alright, lad.
ROGER: This isn't any of that Asti Spumante rubbish.
This is the real McCoy.
Made in Belgium.
Well, near enough.
Jenny! All work and no play.
I sometimes wonder how much thinner I'd be if I walked the two yards to her office.
Actually, it's three yards.
I had it measured for a carpet runner.
Oh, always trying to sneak in soft furnishings.
It's like working with my wife.
God forbid! Can you imagine? Sorry.
I didn't mean, erm Well, I'm sure it works for some people, not that you're married.
Right! Here's to turning a corner.
To our best figures for three years.
Congratulations.
Well, I can't take all the credit.
Some of Alyson's ideas are really taking off.
Some of them? The press conference is schedule for Wednesday at two.
Gavin asked for it to be put back so he could come from London.
The chairman's coming up? First rule of management.
Claim any success as your own.
Yes, I've heard that can happen.
Top up, anybody? BOTH: No, I'm alright, thanks.
Oh, how sweet.
Actually, we should get going.
You've got a ten o'clock.
Oh, you're right.
Oh, listen, before I forget, we've had a query from Accounts about some company - Uxbridge something.
Uxbridge Holdings, I think.
They're invoicing us and nobody seems to know anything about them.
Doesn't ring any bells.
Well, don't worry.
I'll get Steven to look into it.
No, no, I'll have a word.
Accounts can be an awkward lot.
You're looking particularly lovely in that outfit.
Oh, give it a rest, Steven.
What? The jokey, flirty stuff.
I'm just messing around.
Yeah, well, you've just gone public with Alyson.
Not fair on her, is it? But we're just mates.
Exactly, and I don't flirt with my mates.
I've tried everything to give up drinking, but it's just too hard, doc.
Have you thought of getting some residential care? What - a rehab clinic? Those places are full of drug addicts! There is a medical trial going on at the moment for a new drug.
It's a variation on an appetite suppressant.
It's supposed to quell the desire for alcohol.
Well, brilliant! Let's try that, then.
These trials are very oversubscribed.
You might have to wait a month or so.
A month? No, but I'm desperate.
Well, I'd need a very good reason to move you to the top of the list.
Well, I wake up every morning, shivering cold, cursing the fact that I'm still alive, I think about killing myself three or four times a day, and the only thing that kills the pain is the vodka in my coffee.
There is no-one more in need of this treatment than me.
It'd mean keeping a diary.
My favourite book is Anne Frank.
All sorted.
Are you sure? I spoke to Barbara in Accounts and told her there'd been an admin error.
And I'd speak to Uxbridge Holdings myself.
And she believed you? Why was an invoice sent anyway? I thought you'd explained.
It's all over.
She's not getting another penny.
I did.
I'll get in touch and make it absolutely clear.
Why today, of all days? Just relax.
It will all be fine.
Arggh! Oh! My new fitness regime.
Been using the weights you bought me.
Well, clearly it's working.
Hmm.
Morning, Colin.
MAN: Morning, sir.
Morning.
Hello, love.
What are you doing here? I got a taxi from the station.
Well, I thought you said your train got in at 12.
No, I said 11.
No, you said 12! Roger, I know what I said.
Oh.
Well, you're here now.
(Kisses) Lasagne or salad? I could do with losing a few pounds.
And your line is, 'No, Alyson, you're perfect just the way you are.
' Well, you are.
Do I really need to say it? Every single day.
It won't last.
Don't care if it does.
You looked like you did when they kissed in public.
That wasn't a kiss.
That was a polite peck.
Oh! You'd have done better, would you? I'm over it, Tash.
Well, then, I think it's time for the list.
Hey, listen, we've got that first aid course tomorrow, so I thought we should just get rid of all the mingers and get some real hotties in instead.
And do you know what? I'll even organise it.
Oh! (Coughs) Yes! Oh, no! And this is Human Resources.
Is Christine around? Yeah, she's Yeah, maybe catch up with her later.
Oh, Alyson! Please may I introduce my good lady wife Clara? Oh, how lovely to meet you.
Roger's told me so much about you.
Likewise.
What were you expecting - a pointy hat and a broomstick? (Laughter) We'll Oh, won't be a sec.
So, how are you finding Leeds? It's Uxbridge Holdings.
What about it? She's in your office.
You can't just turn up like this.
Well, you wouldn't take my calls.
You don't reply to my emails.
I instructed Jenny I don't want to speak to Jenny.
I want to speak to you.
I'm not just going to disappear, Roger.
Look, my wife's here today.
I can't possibly deal with this now.
Maybe we could meet later in the week.
Maybe I should just go and speak to your wife and tell her what's been going on No, alright! Alright.
Tomorrow.
That's the best I can do.
(Sighs) I'll get Jenny to phone you with the details.
Well, lovely to see you again.
Jenny, could you see Margaret out? Of course.
She looked familiar.
Yeah, just an old employee after some more work.
Oh.
Wait till you see my new office.
Oooh, yes.
This is much nicer.
CLARA: Are you having a midlife crisis? Oh, it's like you've always said.
Got to look after the old ticker.
Hey, all those years of nagging really worked.
Not that it was nagging - more concerned advice.
Yeah, Jenny brought me these.
You know how she enjoys looking after me.
I certainly do.
Well, she's got no-one else to fuss over.
So, where are you taking me? You're going into the office.
Just for a bit.
I thought we were going to spend some time together.
Wasn't that the whole point of me coming up? I'll take you for a posh lunch, and then after, Leeds is our oyster.
One o'clock? Roger, that woman in your office yesterday.
She was Christine's old PA, wasn't she? Yeah, yeah.
She came by to visit Christine.
Just popped by my office to say hello.
Nice of her, really.
Margaret something, wasn't it? Erm, I think so, yeah.
I'd better go and get dressed.
Would you say that was, erm, a mild change or noticeable change? Noticeable change.
Definitely noticeable.
I am off for my first aid course.
Oh, Christine.
Well done.
Ha.
ALYSON: Christine, have you done that report yet? Departmental effectiveness? Oh, pfft.
That.
Absolutely, yes.
Good.
You'll have that on your desk by yesterday, if not before.
No, this afternoon's fine.
Oh, my God! That is massive! You can do this.
SALLY: Oh, I can't believe you talked me into this.
Oh, come on! Two days with the cream of the crop.
I think I'm a genius.
Which ones are definites? Right, him.
Oh, he's gorgeous! Oh! MAN: Hi.
Is this the room for the first aid course? Yeah.
Take a seat.
(Lisps) Is this the first aid course? (Laughs) I did a swap with Troy.
Hates the sight of blood.
Ah! Hello, everybody.
I am Mark.
I'll be your instructor.
I'm just going to unpack this and we'll get cracking.
(Chokes) Hello.
Hello.
Sorry.
OK, OK, it's not all doom and gloom.
Oh, shit.
I forgot to cancel the original list.
Hey! Morning.
Steven.
Double shit! MARGARET: We had an agreement.
You can't just stop it.
It's been ten years.
It's time to move on, for both of us.
Well, what am I supposed to do now? Get a job! I want that money, and if I don't get it, then this isn't going to be a secret for much longer.
It's not just me that'll go down for this.
You're as much a part of it as I am.
Difference is, Roger, I've got nothing to lose.
I'll be at your office at three.
If the answer is still no, I'm going to tell everyone our little secret.
CHRISTINE: And with regard to the appraisal process, would you say that the HR department was helpful, very helpful, or extremely helpful? Are they the only options? I'll just put 'very helpful'.
To be honest, I found the whole thing a total waste of time, and it makes it even worse that you waste my time again by asking me how I had my time wasted in the first place.
Well, of course I sympathise, Max, but probably best to put a positive spin on things.
Mmm, yeah, good luck with that, because I have got a list of complaints about you guys as long as my I'll give you an extra week's holiday.
Make it two.
Done.
So, just to confirm, do you find the HR department helpful, very helpful, or extremely helpful? Extremely helpful.
Oooh! We can't just start up the account again.
We have to be smarter than that.
I do have a plan B.
Research and development? I've made an appointment with Keith Saunders in Finance.
We'll tell him that we're setting up a new project, top secret, and we'll create a new company, start from scratch.
(Sighs) Oh, I don't know.
It's risky.
No, you're right.
Let's do it.
I've set up an appointment at two, before Margaret comes in.
What would I do without you? Oh, you'll never have to find out.
Hang on a minute.
You said the meeting was at two? Oh, my God! I'm meant to be taking Clara out to lunch! I'll call Clara and cancel No, don't.
I'll just make it quick.
MARK: OK, now, this is it.
Once you've made sure there's nothing embedded in the wound, that's when you want to apply the bandage Oh, cheer up! (Laughs) Look - at least someone's having a laugh.
Alright, everyone.
Come on, gather round.
We're going to move on up.
So, that's it.
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
Energy levels, focus.
OK.
We're going to have a little look at upper body injuries.
So, I need a volunteer, someone That's it.
So, imagine that Sally.
Sally over here has severe puncture wounds to the upper arm.
(Mimics slashing) Arggh! (Laughs) Quickly apply pressure here and hold.
That's not too tight, is it? That's alright? That's absolutely fine.
Great.
OK, once you've stemmed the bleeding, you want to make sure that the wound is raised above the heart level, and the heart is just here, OK? And then you just want to raise the arm .
.
above the heart.
Perfect.
CLARA: I quite fancy the veal.
Yeah, I just fancy something nice and quicknice and healthy.
You are having a midlife crisis.
Takes a while to cook veal.
I'll have a salad.
Well, I'm having the veal, and for a starter, I think The starters are not so good here.
Just go for the mains.
Are you OK? Of course I am.
Having a lovely time.
(Sighs) You'll give yourself indigestion.
Look, love, I've just got to nip back to the office.
You stay as long as you like.
Have a dessert.
Aren't you going to wait for me? I'll be a couple of hours, tops.
(Kisses) (Mobile phone beeps) Er, Rog Hello.
Yeah.
Good morning.
How may I (Knocks) Clara! How are you? Oh, I'm well.
Do you fancy a coffee? CHRISTINE: What - he doesn't slag off Alyson? CLARA: Well, not much.
Oh.
Trouble with your husband is he's too bloody nice.
You know, it really is good to see you.
Oh, you too.
You're looking great.
Have you still got that lovely PA? Sally? What an angel.
Whatever happened to that old PA of yours - Margaret, was it? Oh, Margaret Fox.
God, dreadful woman! I'd rather not remember her.
Terrible slut.
Have you heard much of her? No, I haven't seen her in years, thank God.
Really? Why? Why are you asking? Oh, no reason.
She just popped into my mind the other day, that's all.
(Gasps) Oh, my God! You know, don't you? Know what? No Nothing.
It's just Nothing.
You know, I say I say nothing.
Everything's something, isn't it? But this something really is nothing.
Do you want some cake? That all seems fine.
Can't see why we wouldn't be able to fast-track it by the end of the week.
And we can keep this just between ourselves for now? It's very important our competitors don't find out about this.
Absolutely.
Just between us.
And Alyson, obviously.
No.
No, no, this'll come from the R&D account.
I can sign that off.
Er, sorry, no, you can't.
R&D comes under Alyson now.
Can't I do anything without having to ask that bloody woman?! I'll have to ask her if I want to have a piss next! Sorry.
(Breathes heavily) What are we going to do? We'll think of something.
I've got the headache from hell.
Would you like me to nip out and get some aspirin? Yeah.
Thanks.
(Puffs) CLARA: Roger, are you alright? Roger? She's going to tell everyone.
What are you talking about? What was I thinking of, getting involved with someone like her? What's the matter with you? What? Clara? Are you having an affair? What? You're seeing that Margaret Fox woman, aren't you? No! No, no, it's nothing like that.
Then tell me what the hell is going on.
You're not heading back to the office, are you? Mm-mm.
Yeah, I think I might slope off too.
So, you're not talking to me, then? I'm not not talking to you.
I'm just not talking.
Is it something I've done, or Steven, not everything's about you.
So, we're fine, then.
Yes! OK! OK.
Guys, I am SO in there.
His pulse went up by, like, 10bpm when I ran my foot up his leg.
Or maybe you were scaring him.
Why didn't we think of this before? I mean, if we mixed this with speed dating, we'd be making a fortune.
Brilliant.
(He's coming, he's coming.
) Right, have a good evening, guys.
Thanks, you too.
Thanks.
If we ever get home.
There's been a, er a bus strike, hasn't there, Sal? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Strike.
I can give you a lift home - well, one of you, anyway.
I've only got the two-seater.
So, do you want a ride, lift home? That'd be lovely! Nice.
Come on.
Oh, erm, apparently sweet tea is good for shock.
You remember the night they offered me the job? Well, the chairman asked me to stay behind late.
He said he wanted to talk to me about something private.
Well, I walked into the boardroom and there they were.
At first I thought they were firing me.
They were all stood there like some mafia hit squad.
And then they said Jenson has resigned.
The job was mine if I wanted it.
I only meant to stay for one.
To Roger! ALL: To Roger! But you know what these posh blokes are like.
MAN: Time for beddy-byes, I think.
Goodnight, then, Gavin.
Thanks, again.
I thought about getting a cab, but I just felt invincible.
I've done it, I've done it, I've done it! Yes! And Margaret had been working late at the office.
No! Arggh! (Thud!) I just didn't see her.
All I could think about was how many years I've given to this company and they were going to take it all away from me.
MAN: Are you alright? It was a hit and run! I didn't see him! This gentleman has stayed with me until you came.
But she came to see me a few days later.
Her leg was in plaster.
She said she'd forget about it if I paid her.
How much did you pay her? It's hard to say.
How much? Well, it wasn't just one payment.
It's been going on for a while.
Since I got the job, really.
That was ten years ago! You've been giving away our money - money we could set aside for the grandchildren No, no.
I never used our money.
Jenny set up a fake business so we could siphon off payments from the company.
And you think that's better? Embezzling, fraud, risking prison? You stupid, stupid man! Who else knows about this? Oh! (Electronic beeping) Suppressodryl.
What's that for? For women's things.
Is it new? Never heard of it before.
Why would you? I'm very into that kind of thing.
I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't get the grades.
Then I wanted to be a vet, but I just find animals really annoying.
Anyway, is it new? Erm, well, yeah, if you must know, it is.
Part of a medical trial.
Oh.
Double-blind trial? I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.
All I know is it works, and to be honest, I have never felt better.
A double-blind trial means that they give one group the real drug and another a placebo.
I mean, any effects could just be psychological.
The human psyche is an amazing thing.
Anyway, Max asked me to give you his leave form.
He's off skiing again.
I can't believe how much holiday he gets.
See you later.
CLARA: This has to stop.
No more money, no more lies.
You tell her it's finished.
I'll stand by you.
Thank you, love.
On one condition.
CLARA, ON SPEAKER: You know what happened to your father.
I don't want that happening to you.
It's time you came home.
I want you to retire.
Peter? It's Jenny Mountfield.
(Laughs) Yes.
Fine, thanks.
Has it been that long? Gosh! You are making me feel old.
Peter, listen, erm, I've had a rethink about my husband's trust fund.
How quickly could I get hold of the money? ROGER, VOICEOVER: Butterworth's has been my home for the last 41 years, and I've valued every moment of my time here.
But it's time to move on.
It's time to .
.
retire.
Roger's made a decision.
He'll give you a one-off payment of L150,000 on the proviso that you never, ever contact him again.
You'll have half now and the rest in six months time if you keep quiet .
.
and leave him and the company alone.
Alright.
Roger's a good man.
I've sweated blood working for him over the years.
If you do anything more to harm him or his career, I swear you will live to regret it.
Please, I need to know - am I on the real drug or the dummy one? Obviously I can't tell you that.
But if I'm on the placebo, don't you understand what that means? It means that I, me, Christine, I'm in control! You know, it means It means I'm cured, doesn't it? Look, all I can say is that it's highly unlikely the drugs could have started working so quickly, so any effects you're feeling at this stage are probably down to you.
So, you're saying I am cured.
No, no, no.
I'm saying it will take time.
Stay on the course.
Keep taking the medication as advised.
Absolutely.
L I'm walking on sunshine Whoa-oh L Oh, hello.
Hello! He (Gasps) What's the matter with you? The man's a sex god.
It was just a ride home.
Everybody knows that when a man offers you a ride, he doesn't mean in his car.
Why didn't you just ask him in? So, how was last night? What car has he got, then? Who? Lover boy.
Oh, I don't know - a Mazda or something.
Oh, Mazda! Sorry, what car have you got? (Gasps) That's right.
You haven't actually got one.
Fine.
You clearly don't want to chat.
Raise your arm.
Not that high.
Ow! What did he think of your flat? Oh, he loved it, especially the bedroom.
Ow! (Mobile phone rings) (Engine starts) GAVIN: And so, without further ado, here's our chief executive Roger Sorsby.
(Applause) The last few months have made me proud beyond belief.
I think we've shown that Butterworth's can once again be a major player in the supermarket industry.
(Applause) But having said that, we mustn't rest on our laurels, and sometimes success means making difficult decisions.
So, it's with great (Cameras click) (Coughs) It's with great .
.
pleasure that I've been able to work with someone as talented and creative as Alyson Cartmell, and here she is.
(Scattered applause) ALYSON: So, today is What's going on? I met Margaret.
She's agreed to let things drop.
What? I think the thought of actually going to the police, of maybe having to face prison, was all too much for her.
She's never going to be bothering you again.
What if she changes her mind? What if she doesn't? I can't just turn my back on the company for no reason.
No reason? You promised me.
Oh, I don't want to retire yet.
I've still got so much to prove.
Why do you need to prove anything? This is This is about fighting Alyson, isn't it? Don't you care about what I want? What about what I want? Where the hell is Roger? Why, what's the matter? Margaret Fox! I just saw Margaret bloody Fox! You've done nothing wrong.
Yes, I have.
I'm an accessory to the crime.
Margaret told me what was going on years ago, but I turned a blind eye.
I could've gone to the police, but I didn't! Why didn't you? Because I didn't want to get Roger into trouble, or you! You know, this is the thanks I get for making a sacrifice.
Well, never again, I tell you! NEVER again! Now, you listen to me.
Uxbridge Holdings has been cancelled.
End of story.
Did you hear what I said? This is not right.
Clara mentioned her yesterday.
Something is going on! Christine, it's over! Uxbridge Holdings is finished.
Do you understand what I said? Yes.
(Laughter) Do you enjoy all this? Well, not as much as they do.
Does nobody retire any more? It's a lot to give up.
This is what they live for.
(Laughter) (Oh, thank God.
) Now, can anyone tell me what CPR stands for? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Come on, anyone? Yes? Cardio-pulmonary resuscitation? Well done, Sal, yeah? (Applause) Sal? He's only known you five minutes.
Shush! So, after you've looked for danger, you've called for help, what's next? Erm, check the airway.
Ow! Very good, Vince! Nice! OK, that's not necessary.
Now, hand on forehead, fingers under the chin, tilt back, look after that spine, and we're looking in the mouth for? False teeth, any obvious obstructions, then remove them.
That's pretty good.
Oh! Now, down, down! It's an emergency, guys.
Come on! And we're looking for breathing.
We're keeping the hand on the forehead.
We're looking for breathing on the chest.
We're feeling for breathing on the cheek Oh, he's good-looking, isn't he? Shh! He's a male nurse, apparently.
We're listening, we're listening Not that I'm, you know, implying anything.
What? Well, you know.
Male nurse, well-groomed.
Yeah, just piecing it together.
Aware I'm not saying he's definitely gay.
Right, that's it.
Outside! Go! I'm sorry, everyone.
Sorry.
Right, when we've finished this course, I want you to move desks.
What? Why? Because you're irritating the hell out of me! What have I done wrong? Tell me! Forget it.
OK! Alright, alright.
This is about me and Alyson, isn't it? Can you just move out of my way, please? Thank you.
Look Look, I didn't know that things would get so complicated, OK? Sal? Look, if I could turn back the clock, I would.
You must know that.
You Sorry! Sorry to disturb you, Sally, Steven.
Er, Christine sleeps in her office.
It's normally on the floor, is it? No, no.
No, it's not.
No.
OK.
Mark, can we get some help, please?! Christine? Christine? Christine? Christine, can you hear me? You don't think she's, er Pissed? Dead! Dead! Oh, my God.
Right, everybody move back.
She's been on a medical trial.
We need an ambulance now! (Siren wails) Raise that heart level.
So, are you going to give him your number? No? I really think you should start seizing the day.
I will when the right guy comes along.
I'm just not sure that Steven is the right guy.
You mean Mark? Yeah.
That's what I said.
Wakey, wakey.
You can go in now.
(Voice fades) Hello.
How are you? Well, this is it - rock-bottom.
They talk about it in AA, but I wasn't sure what they meant.
And I'm probably going to get some hospital superbug now.
Not that anyone would care.
Lovely flowers.
From Max.
See? People do care.
Have they said when you can go home? I don't know.
I couldn't understand what that doctor was saying, and you can't keep asking them to repeat themselves, can you? Just look racist.
Is that bad of me? No.
I was just lying here, Sal, thinking about something.
When I was little, we had a cat.
And he'd bring in birds and leave them half-chewed-up on the kitchen floor, and I'd be sobbing my head off while my dad took them off to the shed, and he told me that he gave them magic medicine so that they'd fly away.
But I just realised he didn't, did he? Probably not.
But isn't the idea of magic medicine nicer than a smack over the head with a shovel? (Gasps) Is that what he did? No, no, no.
Oh! (Sighs) See? I've just I've spent my whole life just seeing what I want to see.
I'm like a turkey with my head in the sand.
You know, at this rate, I'm still going to be sitting here in 20 years time.
I've got to do something, Sally.
I've got to change.
I've made your favourite.
Oh, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there's a slice of Battenberg with my name on it.
How's Clara? She's going back today, isn't she? Yeah, for a bit, but I really think I've convinced her to move up.
Up to standard? Mmm! Absolutely.
Gavin.
I thought you went back last night.
Well, I thought I'd stay a little longer.
Oh, er, do you fancy a spot of lunch? Oh, why not? Oh, private room! Not going to propose to me, are you? I think we need to talk.
Are you sure you're going to be alright? Yeah.
Have a nice time in What are we saying? Cyprus.
(Kisses) Oh, listen, second thoughts, can we just make it Italy? Sounds a bit more cultured.
Italy.
Got it.
Bye.
(Buzzer sounds) Happy now? This isn't personal, Roger I've seen The Godfather, alright? Spare me the cliches.
Listen, I had to tell them.
How did you find out anyway? That's not important.
Tell me.
I want to know.
Did you get your little boyfriend to bug my office?! You really want to know? (Keys jangle) Better hurry up.
I'm going to be late.
They're making me resign.
Why? I think you know.
Why did you do it? Because I want you back.
Because I love you.
I'm sorry.
When will you be coming home? I don't know.
You're going to miss your train.
Right, come on, Steven.
Tash, I am really not in the mood.
Look, don't be so boring! Come on! Do you know, I think I would rather choke? Right, so, is it three thrusts or four? Oh! God! Make it a half, eh? OK, make it a half.
Alright, ready? Oh! That's not how you do it.
Yeah, hang on.
That's you told, eh? Oh! OK, let's try it backwards, babe.
You ready? No! Tash, careful! You're Oh, my God! Oh, hi.
Hi! How's Christine? Fine.
She's gone to Italy for a few days.
Right, and how are you? This is how you do it.
Oh! Arggh! Sorry! Don't worry, I'll save you.
Right! Right out of me! OK, ready? Ready? That made it worse! Sorry, sorry.
Right, open your mouth.
No, you can't do the mouth because I'm conscious You have to stop talking.
I'm going to do it.
Now, that is a kiss.
What's the most terrible thing that could happen to you? What is that two-timing bastard doing here? I made a mistake, Sal, and I want to put things right.
I will tell you the most amazing piece of gossip ever! There's something you should know.
I feel like I'm back at school being bullied! Can I help? It's better if we stop things now.
(Gasps) Closed Captions by CSI