Mongrels (2010) s01e04 Episode Script
Nelson the Stroke Virgin
WOMAN: I had hundreds of things to do, and you had one thing to remember MAN: One thing, and you're having a go at me?! - Yes, exactly! - I've already told you Marion - (SPLASH) - (SHOUTS) Marion! There's a little boy! And he's drowning! And I need the toilet and I don't want to miss it.
Stay here, tell me what happens.
Destiny! You need to go in there, save him! - As if! With my fur! - Well, I can't! I'm a cat.
I'm scared of water! Plus I just found a Magnum Classic.
- Ooh, speedboat! - Hold this! (SPLASH) Oh! Think I just swallowed a used plaster.
MARION: So, yeah, that's unpleasant.
Hey! Marion, you dick! He had a hat! A hat? OK.
Frankie! Oh, my God, Frankie! You! Frankie! You saved my baby! Who's a clever girl?! Son of bitches! # La la la la # La la la la la # La la la la laaaa.
# And now I'm up for this Animal of Courage award! I'm going to be, like, famous! Bravo, Destiny! I always knew you were a ruddy, bloody hero.
No.
I saved that baby! She is a liar and a coward and a daughter of a thousand godless, acne-ridden whores! Also she ate my Magnum Classic.
Face it, you're just jealous because you're a dirty hydrophobic - little stray that nobody loves and - Shut your vile beak! Man, you are too easy to wind up.
It's like taking candy from a Mr Geoffrey Stafford from Denham in Bucks.
Nurse! The pigeon stole me KitKat! OK, Geoffrey, sleepy tablet time.
(CHUCKLES) Ah.
That does feel good, though.
Ah, it's so unfair! How about you, Nelson? When was your last stroke? Hm? Me? Oh.
Uh Month.
Month ago.
Oh.
You never said.
Who is this? Err, no-one from round here.
She wasFrench.
Um, and she had really massive hands.
Bullcrap.
You are totally lying.
I'm not.
She even let me lick her fingers afterwards.
OK, then.
So what did they taste of? Baguettes? - Yeah.
- Sounds about right.
- I can buy that, yeah.
- Phew.
Marion, remember, like, 30 seconds ago when I said I'd been stroked by a French woman with massive hands whose fingers tasted of baguettes? - No, but carry on.
- Thing isI lied.
I'mI'm kind of I've never been stroked.
Jesus Christ! You're a stroke virgin! (LAUGHS) Not that there's anything weird about that.
- Ah, so that's what they look like.
- It just never happened for me! God knows I wanted it to.
It's OK.
I-I have an idea.
( # SADE: Smooth Operator) A circle-stroke? I'm stroking you, you're stroking me! Fine, I'll try it.
But you, mister, are wearing protection.
Oh! But I won't feel anything.
Don't care.
Now, stroke me from behind.
We'll work up to the tummy.
Soerm going anywhere nice on holiday? Oh.
Well, me and a couple of the guys from the bins near Asda are talking about going pony trekking around Ireland, though with the euro how it is, God knows Jesus (BLEEP BLEEP) Christ! Vince! Didn't see you there.
Well, this has got to be the second-gayest thing I've seen in the last ten days.
# I want to break free # I want to break free # I want to break free from your lies # You're so self-satisfied # Nowthis isn't how it looks.
Out of interest, how does it look? With the shoes? (BLEEP) a nun, Nelson! Even I've been stroked! Oh, you're kidding?! So it's literally just me? Yeah, it was this sweet old guy.
He'd put raw chicken out for me, see? Then one night, I went round, and he'd forgotten, so I kicked his (BLEEP) door in and chewed his (BLEEP) bollocks off.
(VINCE CACKLES) - Wrong anecdote.
- Well, you know what? I'm going to get stroked by a human! Then you'll see! Anyway, Vincent, how do we help you? Oh.
Just popped round to borrow some sugar.
Also to bury someone.
Fine! Just try and go a little deeper this time, will you? Now, this is where I belong! I mean, this just couldn't get any better! And here to present the final award, Mr Jeff Brazier! It just got better! You know I've always wanted to sniff his groin! Settle down, love.
Yes, it's time to award the Animal of Courage for 201 0.
Now for your nominees.
Lucky, the land mine dog, who sadly left his legs behind in Iraq.
I can take anything - except another visit from Heather Mills.
Bernie, the house cat, whose quick thinking during a chip pan fire saved his owner's life.
The fat, stupid, drunken bastard.
Bobby, the rabbit, who escaped from a research laboratory and just in time.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) And Destiny, who so famously saved a little toddler's life.
And the winner is (DRUM ROLL) - Destiny! - Oh, my God, I don't believe it! Excitable little one, isn't she? Excitable? OK, Jeff, I'll show you excitable.
Mmm! The sweet smell of success! Excuse me, mate.
Fancy a stroke? Ooh! I'm sorry! I thought you were up for it! I misread the signs! OK, are you by any chance cottaging for a stroke? Kali, shush! You'll frighten off the punters! Listen, and I'm only telling you this because you look so pathetic right now it makes me want to physically Hold up.
There's a petting zoo two miles due east.
It's crawling with strokers.
Oh.
Oh, well, maybe I'll check it out.
Cheers, Kali.
The two-faced devil-slut! I should be one with nose up groin of C-list reality television star and occasional ITV2 presenter! OK, quick question, Marion - have you been drinking? No! I never touch the drink no more! Not since what happened with with George Best! (YAWNS) Uh-oh.
You know, I can't believe I actually made you wear the shirt.
That's just degrading.
Now, Destiny, she all over TV, winning the big award! I swear on my mother's teeth, I will prove I am the real hero! Hold up, hold up.
He's back.
Is he looking, is he looking? Er Bearing in mind, birds have a 360-degree field of vision.
- Oh, in that case, definitely.
- Oh, yes! I always wanted to date a crow.
Ooh, the darker meats My dad'll go mad.
He went mental when I was emailing Gary Wilmot.
But you are from totally different background! It's like the Jew dating the Arab! So? The Jews and the Arabs can get along.
It's not like the Jews and the badgers.
If your heart wills it, be brave, like I was on that fateful morning in the waters.
Walk up to the crow, grab him, kiss him.
Marion! Are you suggesting I force myself on him like some kind of sexual predator? - No! - Right, well, could you? Only if it all goes to the wall, I'll need an accessory before the fact.
( # ART GARFUNKEL: Bright Eyes) Ah Hello! Hello.
Hi.
Morning! Lovely day for a stroke! Hm.
Previous chap must be on holiday or something.
Oh, well.
# Bright eyes # Burning like fire # Bright eyes # How can you close and fail? # You got your own place?! Ah, it was a freebie, perk of being a celeb.
Remember Leon Jackson? Won X Factor in '0 7? - He lives in one.
- Amazing.
- Wow! - Oh, Marion! You'll never guess who sniffed my arse at the awards last night! Todd Carty? The original Andrex puppy! - You're kidding! - Yeah.
Turns out he's a total prick.
It's like Nelson said, never meet your idols.
That's the fascinating thing, Mr Nelson, there's no evidence.
- (LAUGHS) - Right.
not a single gas chamber.
I've got some literature back at my Really, Basil, I should probably be Ooh, a grey heron Anyway, I am here to publicly challenge you to swimming competition to prove I am real hero.
- What's this? What's this? - Marionyou big idiot! Have you been drinking again? No! I never touch the demon drink! Not since what happened with Oliver Reed! What happened with Oliver Reed? He got cirrhosis of the liver and he died.
Right.
So, come, deceitful hell-slag let us swim! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Just this way.
OK, OK! You saved the boy.
In fact, have my award.
- Really? - Yeah, sure.
I mean, after all, you do totally deserve it.
Ow! Destiny! God I totally didn't see this coming.
Oh, God.
I think you justdetachedmymy retina.
Oh, man, there was really no need for that to go on so long.
Oh! Oh, no! And now you're doing it some more.
This is # Though my pocket may be empty # I'd be a millionaire # My clothes may still be torn and tattered # Hello there, sir, would you be at all interested in stroking a fox? Madam, my name's Nelson.
Wonder if you could just spare a No? Stroke a fox - win a speedboat! Oh, it's pointless.
Maybe I'm just not special enough.
WOMAN: Hello.
Who's this? Oh, my God! Youyou're going to touch me now, aren't you? (SNIFFS) Oh, God! Elderflower hand lotion! Oh, yeah Oh Oh, right through the fur Yeah.
Mmm Mmm Oh, you know I like it behind the ears.
The tummy, the tummy, the tummy! The tummy! The tummy! The tummy! The tummy! The tum! Oh! Phwah-hoo I did it.
I finally did it! (CLEARS THROAT) Now, uh, sweetheart, why don't we just grab a mocha, take in a matinée? I hear the new production of Joseph is pre Oh.
Something I said? Call me! Look, this is, like, probably going to come out all wrong and that, but I don't care, cos you're, like, the fittest No, let me finish.
See, I think you're proper buff and I can't stop thinking about you andoh, what the hell.
So, anyway Yeah, you can speak.
You do realise I'm a girl.
Oh, my God, no! I did not realise that.
So, yeah, yeah, that's your basic accidental lesbianism right there.
Hey, it happens.
You know, fashion's so androgynous these days, plus us members of the bird family - like, no visible genitals.
- Yeah! Which really doesn't help.
Yeah Look, um, I know a little birdbath around the corner.
Fancy a drink? - Just as mates? - Sure, mates.
Ooh.
Uhso, like, yeah, if you could just do it a little softer, that would be Ow! Ow! Furtrapped in watchstrap! Don't move.
I'll see if I can, um Argh! Oh, great(!) He got Wotsits on me! Well, I think that's about all the stroking this fox can take for one day.
Oh, no! Oh, God, no! Oh, guys! Thank God you're here.
- OK.
Um, I need you to let me out.
- Oh, hi, Nelson! - Bye, Nelson! - What? What are you doing? You can't just leave us here! I can do anything I want.
I'm the dog they're already calling the 21 st-century Lassie! - (BARK) - What's that, girl? Timmy's accidentally reset his 80 GB iPod Classic to factory settings and lost his entire back catalogue of unreleased Pink Floyd studio tracks? (BARK) - To the barn.
I'll get my FireWire cable! - (BARK) - Ciao! - Destiny, wait! Where am I? Crap on walls, scent of dying animals Christ Jesus, it's a Premier Inn! I demand to speak to Lenny Henry! Brilliant, Marion - big help(!) ( # KATY PERRY: Kissed A Girl) # This was never the way I planned # Anyway, let me introduce you to everyone.
This is Guy and Harvey.
Nice to meet you.
- All right.
- All right.
Sally and Nadine.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Andy and Quentin.
- Hello.
- How do? - And Penny and Vicky.
- Evenin'.
Would it be fair to say that you've brought me to a gay, lesbian and transgender birdbath? Yes.
Yes, that would be fair.
Actually, we thought we might all get in.
Wash together.
Why not? We're all birds! Woo-hoo! Jump in! Come on! Look, no offence, yeah, but I don't bat for the other team.
Not that I've been in to bat for my team for a while.
But just because you're not getting picked, don't mean you should switch sides! (CHUCKLES) Oh, it is warm! (RATTLING) Anyone! Please! - I'm not supposed to be here! - Come, come, this could be worse.
Marion, we're getting stroked day in, day out, whether we consent to it or not! How could it possibly be any worse?! Well, we could literally be being forced into having sex with people.
Oh, that's right, you just blow the whole subtext.
Sothe fox got himself in too deep, did he? Oh.
Hello.
Well, you're in a petting zoo now, sonny.
And it ain't all sunshine and picnics.
Apart from in the designated picnicking areas.
- Crikey.
- That's why I drink.
To dull the stroking sensation.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Marion, we need to get out of here! Relax.
I have an idea.
We distract the zookeeper with wiggly string! Yes.
Except that only really works on Marion (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- Yes, mate? Oh, forget it, I'll do it myself.
I'll see the sun set over those bins if it's the last Marion (CHUCKLES) I'm here in London on the sunny banks of the Thames to meet a very special girl.
So, Gary, tell us about your Destiny.
OMFG.
I'm breaking America! Well, well, she's surprised us all, to be honest, you know.
Ever since it happened, it's all gone off.
We've even had Hollywood on the phone.
(GASPS) A movie! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Does anyone else just feel like peeing everywhere?! Just me? Well, we've actually got a little surprise for you.
Yes, he's here today, the little boy you saved! Bring him out.
It's Frankie! Frankie! Where are you? Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God - he's in the water! - Someone go in after him! Go in! Go in! I can't! I can't swim! - Well, I can't! - MAN: Me neither.
Uh, yeah Thing is, rightkind of waiting for my breakfast to go down and, uh (SPEEDBOAT REVS) (SIREN WAILS) Wonder if I'm still doing Loose Women.
Bad girl! Very bad girl! Probably not.
( # MOZART: ''Letter Duet'' from The Marriage Of Figaro) MORGAN FREEMAN VOICE: It took Andy Dufresne damn near 20 years to tunnel out of the Shawshank Penitentiary.
That was in the film The Shawshank Redemption.
Nelson the fox gave up after just six minutes.
Ugh, no, that actually does hurt my wrist a bit.
I mean, God, it's just a toddler, you know.
They'll get over it.
Yeah.
Course, you have seen that? Uh? Oh, my days! And they've left a dog crap on the Oh, no, hold on, that's one of mine.
Oh, the fickle finger of fame.
At this rate, you'll be less popular than that dog who ruined the last two Matrix films.
What? There wasn't a dog.
Well, not in them, no.
Blah, blah, blahdy, blah, blah, blah - finished! Hold up you look different.
- Have you had a bath or something? - No! What?! No way! Why would I? And even if I had, you killed a toddler! Oh, ohgood.
Kali, just hear me out.
See, ever since we kissed Hold up, hold uplesbianism? OK, OK, you try telling a male crow from a female one! It's like playing Spot The Belgian at an international incest convention.
The point is, I think you'd make a really excellent lesbian.
Oh.
Right, well, cheers.
And think of the benefits.
For one, you'd make a lot of new friends.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS) # If you're uncomfortable with coming out # Just listen to what I says-bian # Whatever anyone thinks of gays # Everyone loves a lesbian # Everybody loves a lesbian Honey # Norton's passé Ellen's funny # Let those Baptists think what they like # There's nothing, no nothing quite like a dyke # It's so wrong when you see boys kissing # But girl on girl See what you're missing # Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic # Till she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic # Everybody loves a lesbian, baby # You'll shout ''yes!'' during sex not ''maybe!'' # Camp is cliché Lezzers have class # You'll never find us cottaging for George Michael's ass # So what if our haircuts make us all look the same? # At least we don't give the Catholic Church a bad name # No gay looks great in a girly frock # All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock # One more time! # Everybody loves a lesbian, baby # A muff-diving, rough-driving car-fixing lady # Come on out Join us in heaven # We'll soon be eating brunch off Pam St Clement! # Woo-hoo! Hmm.
Could I be the butch one? If you like.
Still no.
(COCK CROWS) (COUGHS) Ah, blessed are we to be alive this morning! Big man, how are you sleeping! I was cold, I was hungry, I didn't have a reading lamp, and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, a predator got in! NELSON: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Yeah, OK, I've got my own cat at home - Cindy.
But somehow we don't seem to connect any more.
Oh, you're quite soft under there, aren't you? You think that's bad.
Wait till this afternoon.
What happens this afternoon? Annual visit of Church Brampton CP Primary School.
little eight-year-olds.
And they all stroke at once! (GASPS) I'm going to get gang-stroked?! Oh! Aha! So you have finally come to apologise for taking credit for my act of bravery.
As if! It's cos no-one else'll talk to me.
Yes, I did notice you were going through a slight image problem.
I've lost my endorsements! They cancelled my movie! And today I was reduced to degrading myself on film in the worst way imaginable! Chicken tikka popcorn - only â¤1 at Iceland! Destiny, there is a way to show the world you're a hero.
- Hm? - Help us escape! Nah.
That sounds quite difficult.
Huh! Why not just get someone else to do it and take all the credit? Hmm? Hmm?! Yeahyeah, I could do that.
What? No! I was being Did you? I went, ''Hm?'' Did you not get? Oh Target is urban fox, reddish hair, approximately two foot four, answers to ''Nelson''.
Also ''The Divine Miss Vulpine''.
Animals of Courage, do we know our battle plan? - Bernie? - I get us in the gate.
- Bobby? - Itakeoutthealarms.
- Vince? - I get the guard, right, and I (BLEEP) him up, like proper beat the (BLEEP) out of him, then, right, I get my (BLEEP) and I ram it down his throat - see how he likes being (BLEEP) like a Spanish choirboy! OK, slight embellishment there, Vince, but I'll let it slide.
- And I'll do the packed lunches! - Excellent! Everyonepaws in! Animals of Courage are (ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) Go! Ready! Cool! Mwoo! (BLEEP) Yes.
Might need to work on that.
( # KASABIAN: Underdog) # Kill me if you dare # Hold my head up everywhere # Keep myself right on this train # I'm the underdog # Live my life on a lullaby # Keep myself riding on this train # Keep myself riding on this train! # - Stairs.
Bugger.
- Oh, God! What do we do? Only thing you can do - go on without me.
No! No animals left behind.
Hold up - where's Bobby? Who? Oh, what, you mean the big twitchy (BLEEP)? - Oh, I say! - Um, Vince, apparently they prefer the word ''retard''.
Eh? Oh, how very quaint.
- Destiny! - Bernie! - Ow! - Go after him! - You just knocked a scab off! - Destiny, rolling forward here.
Destiny, I hope you remembered - to pack my Scotch egg.
- (TOOTING) - (SPLAT) - Oh, for crying out loud! You Animals of Courage are just toodisabled! Oi! You can't say that! Yeah! I'm not disabled - I'm disfigured.
- He's disabled.
- Who are you calling a (BLEEP)? No-one.
I know.
I just felt a bit left out.
(SHOUTING) OK, so who wants their sandwich now? I can hear them.
(GIGGLING) - It's started.
- Ice-cream weather too.
Trust me, you'll never feel clean again.
Oh, Godoh, Godoh, God To be honest with you quite looking forward to it.
OK.
OK, you son of a bitch eight-year-olds take me! - Destiny! - Go! Get out! I'll hold them off! Oh, she done it again! Those strokes were mine! - But your fur! - Just go! Wait! Creepy Morgan Freeman lamb! Come with us! I can't.
Sure, this petting zoo might be hell, being stroked, petted and prodded all day every day, but goddamn it, it's my hell and - OK, bye! - Ow, ow, ah, ah! And, Destiny, I think you've proved beyond any doubt that you are indeed a hero.
Oh, cheers.
Unfortunately, it seems, in the eyes of the general public, saving a fox from a petting zoo doesn't quite make up for letting a four-year-old boy drown on national television.
Yeah.
I did notice that.
- OK, this going to be good.
- What is? I'm being stalked by a really friendly, quite persuasive lesbian.
But I got to thinkingwhat is the best way to scare a lesbian crow? Ooh! A scarecrow? That's right.
A scarecrow.
With a penis.
Kali, I've put together a PowerPoint on the financial benefits of lesbian Oh, Lord! Oh, Jesus Christ! What is that thing?! Argh! - Simple.
But effective.
- Wow.
Can't believe that actually worked.
Eh, Marion? Marion? Marion? Marion? Marion? Marion? Marion? Subs from DVD, with SubRip_150b4 & Subtitle Edit 3.
0 by Numenor
Stay here, tell me what happens.
Destiny! You need to go in there, save him! - As if! With my fur! - Well, I can't! I'm a cat.
I'm scared of water! Plus I just found a Magnum Classic.
- Ooh, speedboat! - Hold this! (SPLASH) Oh! Think I just swallowed a used plaster.
MARION: So, yeah, that's unpleasant.
Hey! Marion, you dick! He had a hat! A hat? OK.
Frankie! Oh, my God, Frankie! You! Frankie! You saved my baby! Who's a clever girl?! Son of bitches! # La la la la # La la la la la # La la la la laaaa.
# And now I'm up for this Animal of Courage award! I'm going to be, like, famous! Bravo, Destiny! I always knew you were a ruddy, bloody hero.
No.
I saved that baby! She is a liar and a coward and a daughter of a thousand godless, acne-ridden whores! Also she ate my Magnum Classic.
Face it, you're just jealous because you're a dirty hydrophobic - little stray that nobody loves and - Shut your vile beak! Man, you are too easy to wind up.
It's like taking candy from a Mr Geoffrey Stafford from Denham in Bucks.
Nurse! The pigeon stole me KitKat! OK, Geoffrey, sleepy tablet time.
(CHUCKLES) Ah.
That does feel good, though.
Ah, it's so unfair! How about you, Nelson? When was your last stroke? Hm? Me? Oh.
Uh Month.
Month ago.
Oh.
You never said.
Who is this? Err, no-one from round here.
She wasFrench.
Um, and she had really massive hands.
Bullcrap.
You are totally lying.
I'm not.
She even let me lick her fingers afterwards.
OK, then.
So what did they taste of? Baguettes? - Yeah.
- Sounds about right.
- I can buy that, yeah.
- Phew.
Marion, remember, like, 30 seconds ago when I said I'd been stroked by a French woman with massive hands whose fingers tasted of baguettes? - No, but carry on.
- Thing isI lied.
I'mI'm kind of I've never been stroked.
Jesus Christ! You're a stroke virgin! (LAUGHS) Not that there's anything weird about that.
- Ah, so that's what they look like.
- It just never happened for me! God knows I wanted it to.
It's OK.
I-I have an idea.
( # SADE: Smooth Operator) A circle-stroke? I'm stroking you, you're stroking me! Fine, I'll try it.
But you, mister, are wearing protection.
Oh! But I won't feel anything.
Don't care.
Now, stroke me from behind.
We'll work up to the tummy.
Soerm going anywhere nice on holiday? Oh.
Well, me and a couple of the guys from the bins near Asda are talking about going pony trekking around Ireland, though with the euro how it is, God knows Jesus (BLEEP BLEEP) Christ! Vince! Didn't see you there.
Well, this has got to be the second-gayest thing I've seen in the last ten days.
# I want to break free # I want to break free # I want to break free from your lies # You're so self-satisfied # Nowthis isn't how it looks.
Out of interest, how does it look? With the shoes? (BLEEP) a nun, Nelson! Even I've been stroked! Oh, you're kidding?! So it's literally just me? Yeah, it was this sweet old guy.
He'd put raw chicken out for me, see? Then one night, I went round, and he'd forgotten, so I kicked his (BLEEP) door in and chewed his (BLEEP) bollocks off.
(VINCE CACKLES) - Wrong anecdote.
- Well, you know what? I'm going to get stroked by a human! Then you'll see! Anyway, Vincent, how do we help you? Oh.
Just popped round to borrow some sugar.
Also to bury someone.
Fine! Just try and go a little deeper this time, will you? Now, this is where I belong! I mean, this just couldn't get any better! And here to present the final award, Mr Jeff Brazier! It just got better! You know I've always wanted to sniff his groin! Settle down, love.
Yes, it's time to award the Animal of Courage for 201 0.
Now for your nominees.
Lucky, the land mine dog, who sadly left his legs behind in Iraq.
I can take anything - except another visit from Heather Mills.
Bernie, the house cat, whose quick thinking during a chip pan fire saved his owner's life.
The fat, stupid, drunken bastard.
Bobby, the rabbit, who escaped from a research laboratory and just in time.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) And Destiny, who so famously saved a little toddler's life.
And the winner is (DRUM ROLL) - Destiny! - Oh, my God, I don't believe it! Excitable little one, isn't she? Excitable? OK, Jeff, I'll show you excitable.
Mmm! The sweet smell of success! Excuse me, mate.
Fancy a stroke? Ooh! I'm sorry! I thought you were up for it! I misread the signs! OK, are you by any chance cottaging for a stroke? Kali, shush! You'll frighten off the punters! Listen, and I'm only telling you this because you look so pathetic right now it makes me want to physically Hold up.
There's a petting zoo two miles due east.
It's crawling with strokers.
Oh.
Oh, well, maybe I'll check it out.
Cheers, Kali.
The two-faced devil-slut! I should be one with nose up groin of C-list reality television star and occasional ITV2 presenter! OK, quick question, Marion - have you been drinking? No! I never touch the drink no more! Not since what happened with with George Best! (YAWNS) Uh-oh.
You know, I can't believe I actually made you wear the shirt.
That's just degrading.
Now, Destiny, she all over TV, winning the big award! I swear on my mother's teeth, I will prove I am the real hero! Hold up, hold up.
He's back.
Is he looking, is he looking? Er Bearing in mind, birds have a 360-degree field of vision.
- Oh, in that case, definitely.
- Oh, yes! I always wanted to date a crow.
Ooh, the darker meats My dad'll go mad.
He went mental when I was emailing Gary Wilmot.
But you are from totally different background! It's like the Jew dating the Arab! So? The Jews and the Arabs can get along.
It's not like the Jews and the badgers.
If your heart wills it, be brave, like I was on that fateful morning in the waters.
Walk up to the crow, grab him, kiss him.
Marion! Are you suggesting I force myself on him like some kind of sexual predator? - No! - Right, well, could you? Only if it all goes to the wall, I'll need an accessory before the fact.
( # ART GARFUNKEL: Bright Eyes) Ah Hello! Hello.
Hi.
Morning! Lovely day for a stroke! Hm.
Previous chap must be on holiday or something.
Oh, well.
# Bright eyes # Burning like fire # Bright eyes # How can you close and fail? # You got your own place?! Ah, it was a freebie, perk of being a celeb.
Remember Leon Jackson? Won X Factor in '0 7? - He lives in one.
- Amazing.
- Wow! - Oh, Marion! You'll never guess who sniffed my arse at the awards last night! Todd Carty? The original Andrex puppy! - You're kidding! - Yeah.
Turns out he's a total prick.
It's like Nelson said, never meet your idols.
That's the fascinating thing, Mr Nelson, there's no evidence.
- (LAUGHS) - Right.
not a single gas chamber.
I've got some literature back at my Really, Basil, I should probably be Ooh, a grey heron Anyway, I am here to publicly challenge you to swimming competition to prove I am real hero.
- What's this? What's this? - Marionyou big idiot! Have you been drinking again? No! I never touch the demon drink! Not since what happened with Oliver Reed! What happened with Oliver Reed? He got cirrhosis of the liver and he died.
Right.
So, come, deceitful hell-slag let us swim! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Just this way.
OK, OK! You saved the boy.
In fact, have my award.
- Really? - Yeah, sure.
I mean, after all, you do totally deserve it.
Ow! Destiny! God I totally didn't see this coming.
Oh, God.
I think you justdetachedmymy retina.
Oh, man, there was really no need for that to go on so long.
Oh! Oh, no! And now you're doing it some more.
This is # Though my pocket may be empty # I'd be a millionaire # My clothes may still be torn and tattered # Hello there, sir, would you be at all interested in stroking a fox? Madam, my name's Nelson.
Wonder if you could just spare a No? Stroke a fox - win a speedboat! Oh, it's pointless.
Maybe I'm just not special enough.
WOMAN: Hello.
Who's this? Oh, my God! Youyou're going to touch me now, aren't you? (SNIFFS) Oh, God! Elderflower hand lotion! Oh, yeah Oh Oh, right through the fur Yeah.
Mmm Mmm Oh, you know I like it behind the ears.
The tummy, the tummy, the tummy! The tummy! The tummy! The tummy! The tummy! The tum! Oh! Phwah-hoo I did it.
I finally did it! (CLEARS THROAT) Now, uh, sweetheart, why don't we just grab a mocha, take in a matinée? I hear the new production of Joseph is pre Oh.
Something I said? Call me! Look, this is, like, probably going to come out all wrong and that, but I don't care, cos you're, like, the fittest No, let me finish.
See, I think you're proper buff and I can't stop thinking about you andoh, what the hell.
So, anyway Yeah, you can speak.
You do realise I'm a girl.
Oh, my God, no! I did not realise that.
So, yeah, yeah, that's your basic accidental lesbianism right there.
Hey, it happens.
You know, fashion's so androgynous these days, plus us members of the bird family - like, no visible genitals.
- Yeah! Which really doesn't help.
Yeah Look, um, I know a little birdbath around the corner.
Fancy a drink? - Just as mates? - Sure, mates.
Ooh.
Uhso, like, yeah, if you could just do it a little softer, that would be Ow! Ow! Furtrapped in watchstrap! Don't move.
I'll see if I can, um Argh! Oh, great(!) He got Wotsits on me! Well, I think that's about all the stroking this fox can take for one day.
Oh, no! Oh, God, no! Oh, guys! Thank God you're here.
- OK.
Um, I need you to let me out.
- Oh, hi, Nelson! - Bye, Nelson! - What? What are you doing? You can't just leave us here! I can do anything I want.
I'm the dog they're already calling the 21 st-century Lassie! - (BARK) - What's that, girl? Timmy's accidentally reset his 80 GB iPod Classic to factory settings and lost his entire back catalogue of unreleased Pink Floyd studio tracks? (BARK) - To the barn.
I'll get my FireWire cable! - (BARK) - Ciao! - Destiny, wait! Where am I? Crap on walls, scent of dying animals Christ Jesus, it's a Premier Inn! I demand to speak to Lenny Henry! Brilliant, Marion - big help(!) ( # KATY PERRY: Kissed A Girl) # This was never the way I planned # Anyway, let me introduce you to everyone.
This is Guy and Harvey.
Nice to meet you.
- All right.
- All right.
Sally and Nadine.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Andy and Quentin.
- Hello.
- How do? - And Penny and Vicky.
- Evenin'.
Would it be fair to say that you've brought me to a gay, lesbian and transgender birdbath? Yes.
Yes, that would be fair.
Actually, we thought we might all get in.
Wash together.
Why not? We're all birds! Woo-hoo! Jump in! Come on! Look, no offence, yeah, but I don't bat for the other team.
Not that I've been in to bat for my team for a while.
But just because you're not getting picked, don't mean you should switch sides! (CHUCKLES) Oh, it is warm! (RATTLING) Anyone! Please! - I'm not supposed to be here! - Come, come, this could be worse.
Marion, we're getting stroked day in, day out, whether we consent to it or not! How could it possibly be any worse?! Well, we could literally be being forced into having sex with people.
Oh, that's right, you just blow the whole subtext.
Sothe fox got himself in too deep, did he? Oh.
Hello.
Well, you're in a petting zoo now, sonny.
And it ain't all sunshine and picnics.
Apart from in the designated picnicking areas.
- Crikey.
- That's why I drink.
To dull the stroking sensation.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Marion, we need to get out of here! Relax.
I have an idea.
We distract the zookeeper with wiggly string! Yes.
Except that only really works on Marion (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- (CHUCKLES) - Marion.
- Yes, mate? Oh, forget it, I'll do it myself.
I'll see the sun set over those bins if it's the last Marion (CHUCKLES) I'm here in London on the sunny banks of the Thames to meet a very special girl.
So, Gary, tell us about your Destiny.
OMFG.
I'm breaking America! Well, well, she's surprised us all, to be honest, you know.
Ever since it happened, it's all gone off.
We've even had Hollywood on the phone.
(GASPS) A movie! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Does anyone else just feel like peeing everywhere?! Just me? Well, we've actually got a little surprise for you.
Yes, he's here today, the little boy you saved! Bring him out.
It's Frankie! Frankie! Where are you? Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God - he's in the water! - Someone go in after him! Go in! Go in! I can't! I can't swim! - Well, I can't! - MAN: Me neither.
Uh, yeah Thing is, rightkind of waiting for my breakfast to go down and, uh (SPEEDBOAT REVS) (SIREN WAILS) Wonder if I'm still doing Loose Women.
Bad girl! Very bad girl! Probably not.
( # MOZART: ''Letter Duet'' from The Marriage Of Figaro) MORGAN FREEMAN VOICE: It took Andy Dufresne damn near 20 years to tunnel out of the Shawshank Penitentiary.
That was in the film The Shawshank Redemption.
Nelson the fox gave up after just six minutes.
Ugh, no, that actually does hurt my wrist a bit.
I mean, God, it's just a toddler, you know.
They'll get over it.
Yeah.
Course, you have seen that? Uh? Oh, my days! And they've left a dog crap on the Oh, no, hold on, that's one of mine.
Oh, the fickle finger of fame.
At this rate, you'll be less popular than that dog who ruined the last two Matrix films.
What? There wasn't a dog.
Well, not in them, no.
Blah, blah, blahdy, blah, blah, blah - finished! Hold up you look different.
- Have you had a bath or something? - No! What?! No way! Why would I? And even if I had, you killed a toddler! Oh, ohgood.
Kali, just hear me out.
See, ever since we kissed Hold up, hold uplesbianism? OK, OK, you try telling a male crow from a female one! It's like playing Spot The Belgian at an international incest convention.
The point is, I think you'd make a really excellent lesbian.
Oh.
Right, well, cheers.
And think of the benefits.
For one, you'd make a lot of new friends.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS) # If you're uncomfortable with coming out # Just listen to what I says-bian # Whatever anyone thinks of gays # Everyone loves a lesbian # Everybody loves a lesbian Honey # Norton's passé Ellen's funny # Let those Baptists think what they like # There's nothing, no nothing quite like a dyke # It's so wrong when you see boys kissing # But girl on girl See what you're missing # Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic # Till she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic # Everybody loves a lesbian, baby # You'll shout ''yes!'' during sex not ''maybe!'' # Camp is cliché Lezzers have class # You'll never find us cottaging for George Michael's ass # So what if our haircuts make us all look the same? # At least we don't give the Catholic Church a bad name # No gay looks great in a girly frock # All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock # One more time! # Everybody loves a lesbian, baby # A muff-diving, rough-driving car-fixing lady # Come on out Join us in heaven # We'll soon be eating brunch off Pam St Clement! # Woo-hoo! Hmm.
Could I be the butch one? If you like.
Still no.
(COCK CROWS) (COUGHS) Ah, blessed are we to be alive this morning! Big man, how are you sleeping! I was cold, I was hungry, I didn't have a reading lamp, and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, a predator got in! NELSON: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Yeah, OK, I've got my own cat at home - Cindy.
But somehow we don't seem to connect any more.
Oh, you're quite soft under there, aren't you? You think that's bad.
Wait till this afternoon.
What happens this afternoon? Annual visit of Church Brampton CP Primary School.
little eight-year-olds.
And they all stroke at once! (GASPS) I'm going to get gang-stroked?! Oh! Aha! So you have finally come to apologise for taking credit for my act of bravery.
As if! It's cos no-one else'll talk to me.
Yes, I did notice you were going through a slight image problem.
I've lost my endorsements! They cancelled my movie! And today I was reduced to degrading myself on film in the worst way imaginable! Chicken tikka popcorn - only â¤1 at Iceland! Destiny, there is a way to show the world you're a hero.
- Hm? - Help us escape! Nah.
That sounds quite difficult.
Huh! Why not just get someone else to do it and take all the credit? Hmm? Hmm?! Yeahyeah, I could do that.
What? No! I was being Did you? I went, ''Hm?'' Did you not get? Oh Target is urban fox, reddish hair, approximately two foot four, answers to ''Nelson''.
Also ''The Divine Miss Vulpine''.
Animals of Courage, do we know our battle plan? - Bernie? - I get us in the gate.
- Bobby? - Itakeoutthealarms.
- Vince? - I get the guard, right, and I (BLEEP) him up, like proper beat the (BLEEP) out of him, then, right, I get my (BLEEP) and I ram it down his throat - see how he likes being (BLEEP) like a Spanish choirboy! OK, slight embellishment there, Vince, but I'll let it slide.
- And I'll do the packed lunches! - Excellent! Everyonepaws in! Animals of Courage are (ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) Go! Ready! Cool! Mwoo! (BLEEP) Yes.
Might need to work on that.
( # KASABIAN: Underdog) # Kill me if you dare # Hold my head up everywhere # Keep myself right on this train # I'm the underdog # Live my life on a lullaby # Keep myself riding on this train # Keep myself riding on this train! # - Stairs.
Bugger.
- Oh, God! What do we do? Only thing you can do - go on without me.
No! No animals left behind.
Hold up - where's Bobby? Who? Oh, what, you mean the big twitchy (BLEEP)? - Oh, I say! - Um, Vince, apparently they prefer the word ''retard''.
Eh? Oh, how very quaint.
- Destiny! - Bernie! - Ow! - Go after him! - You just knocked a scab off! - Destiny, rolling forward here.
Destiny, I hope you remembered - to pack my Scotch egg.
- (TOOTING) - (SPLAT) - Oh, for crying out loud! You Animals of Courage are just toodisabled! Oi! You can't say that! Yeah! I'm not disabled - I'm disfigured.
- He's disabled.
- Who are you calling a (BLEEP)? No-one.
I know.
I just felt a bit left out.
(SHOUTING) OK, so who wants their sandwich now? I can hear them.
(GIGGLING) - It's started.
- Ice-cream weather too.
Trust me, you'll never feel clean again.
Oh, Godoh, Godoh, God To be honest with you quite looking forward to it.
OK.
OK, you son of a bitch eight-year-olds take me! - Destiny! - Go! Get out! I'll hold them off! Oh, she done it again! Those strokes were mine! - But your fur! - Just go! Wait! Creepy Morgan Freeman lamb! Come with us! I can't.
Sure, this petting zoo might be hell, being stroked, petted and prodded all day every day, but goddamn it, it's my hell and - OK, bye! - Ow, ow, ah, ah! And, Destiny, I think you've proved beyond any doubt that you are indeed a hero.
Oh, cheers.
Unfortunately, it seems, in the eyes of the general public, saving a fox from a petting zoo doesn't quite make up for letting a four-year-old boy drown on national television.
Yeah.
I did notice that.
- OK, this going to be good.
- What is? I'm being stalked by a really friendly, quite persuasive lesbian.
But I got to thinkingwhat is the best way to scare a lesbian crow? Ooh! A scarecrow? That's right.
A scarecrow.
With a penis.
Kali, I've put together a PowerPoint on the financial benefits of lesbian Oh, Lord! Oh, Jesus Christ! What is that thing?! Argh! - Simple.
But effective.
- Wow.
Can't believe that actually worked.
Eh, Marion? Marion? Marion? Marion? Marion? Marion? Marion? Subs from DVD, with SubRip_150b4 & Subtitle Edit 3.
0 by Numenor