Mongrels (2010) s02e03 Episode Script
Destiny and the V.E.T.S
We're here today to stop them building yet another bloody supermarket on our beloved parkland! ALL: Yeah! Animals! You know what to do Clubcards, ready! Farewell old friend.
And cut! Well.
Worth a shot.
All back to mine? We need fight them! That's how we won the battle of Hoxton Lidl.
Felicity Ann Kendal! You were there in '04? There comes a time when you must take direct action, when we small animals must come together to fight the mighty human corporate machine.
You heard the lady! Tim, Nobby, Marion, attack! Here comes die schmerzen! What I was going to say was "and that time is after you've" "completed at least two months of intensive training drills.
" No that does make sense.
Because we're really are getting a pasting out there.
and on the bright side we'll have a lot of bloody good seasonal produce right on our doorstep.
So Guess where Gary's taking me? The V-E-T-S.
apparently it's some kind of award ceremony like the VMAs but better jealous? Yeah you should be anyway laters.
V-E-T-S.
Those four letters What? There is secret human code I have heard talk about from my feline elders.
The finest cat minds have been trying, without joy, to crack it since the 1940s.
This much we DO know every time a human takes animal to this so-called " V-E-T-S" they end up at the vets! What you on about? Like I say, we don't yet know the how, we're still working on that, all I can say for definite is Sorry to ruin the whole thing here, um, V-E-T-S spells vets.
Not that hard.
Well.
I happen to think it's a little more complicated than that, Nelson! No-no, really isn't.
Jesus! Oh, my DAYS! Destiny relax, veterinary procedures have come a long way.
So long as you avoid surgery tourism on the continent.
Well, I ain't going! No way.
I'll just live out here.
Kali.
You're unseasonably quiet today.
Oh.
The cat got your tongue? Huh? Mmm? Has it? Marion.
What no comeback? Oh, I'm sorry Kali, has my moderately zingy putdown mentally unsettled you to the extent that you're no longer capable of forming basic sentences That's not Kali.
.
.
which would explain everything! Sorry, mate, that's actually Kali's perch.
So if you don't mind moving on.
Oh, just because I am an African you don't want me in your garden.
Well, I know my rights I have migrated to UK You're a migrant?! Why didn't you just say? Ruddy bloody welcome! Ah we love Africans, don't we, guys? Absolutely! Not really.
Some of our best friends are Africans! By which I mean none of our best friends are Africans, we don't even know any Africans, we're worried we're racist, hallo! So I can stay? Of course you can stay! Maybe later we could listen to some Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
Because I am SUCKER for all those boring cultural bits on Jools Holland! Look, I don't have time to lay around all day.
Oh, please.
Just tell us again about the summer of 2005.
Well, it was a different time back then.
Do you know what we used to call the household cleaning product Cif? No.
Jif.
Wow! No way! And there was none of this super-fast broadband.
There was no Chat Roulette.
Really? So how did grown men masturbate at complete strangers? They had to hide in bushes and wait until someone walked past.
Retro! Where are you living Eileen? My son stuck me out in the Wetlands Nature Reserve.
Oh, the, er, retirement community? Wow.
Frankly you don't look old enough! Frankly you DO look old enough.
Well, I'd better get going if I want to see Ben Fogle on the One Show.
Oh, wouldn't waste your time, he's just Tweeted.
Apparently he's been drafted in for emergency Countryfile reshoots Craven's gone down with norovirus.
Julia Bradbury! Well, that's ripped a hole in my evening.
Sorry.
Have you heard of the Yahoo group "Friends of Fogle?" I post on the forums.
I moderate! FogieFogy86? TheFogleMogul! MUSIC: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon Ahem.
Mmm? Oh.
Marion, I'm going to escort this fair lady home.
Stay here.
Don't touch the stuff in the fridge.
OK! Ah, 80s movie references.
Keep them in the fridge, they stay fresh for years.
Oh.
Yakult.
Destiny, come in love, what have I got? Look at him.
Trying to lure me in with a T-R-E-A-T.
A what? Spells 'biscuit, ' you prick.
You should count yourself lucky you have owner who cares about you! Well, he can shove his biscuit up his fat arse, I'm not going back.
In which case, would you mind if I made a play for him? See if he'd take me in? You've got a 'thing' for Gary? Does he ever talk about me? Yeah he says, "Why does that shitty cat keep leaving dead birds in my garden?".
KNEW there was a vibe.
Hold on tight Gary, I'm coming for you.
Oi! You're on my perch! My perch now.
I suggest you find other perch.
Or what? Or I peck the flesh from your face and in one week your body washes up on banks of the Thames with your feet and wings hacked off and your beak stuffed inside your anus.
Fine.
OK.
I'll just perch here then.
Further.
Further.
Further.
My God.
To have all this on your doorstep.
You don't have to live here.
Hello young man.
I'm a bigot and I've dirtied myself.
Such wonderful stories.
God, I admire you.
Most vixens your age are laying dead on some rural B-road, but here you are, so full of - Kiss me.
- What the? MUSIC: Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer I've fallen Help Help I can't get up Call the ranger! Help! Help! Sorry shall we take this back to my place? Let's.
Oh.
Where did you come from? This, us, it cannot be denied another day.
Sorry little man you're on my keyboard.
Don't speak Don't ruin Just hold! Destiny I'd like you to meet my, um, special friend, Eileen.
Urgh Nelson, you DIRTY little grave-robber! Eileen, this is Destiny.
And Kali? I'M OVER HERE.
What the coconuts are you doing all the way over there? It's my new perch.
Some African stole my old one.
Oh, let me guess-we migratory birds, we come over here, eat all your food, sleep with your women.
Well, don't apologise! Crikey.
After all This is the immigration nation We actively encourage mass migration Tear up your application form Let the border crossings swarm And here's how to dodge the legislation Apply online for a student Visa Or get smuggled in whichever's easier Then you find a small bedsit And benefits, benefits, benefits If you're fearing prosecution Just claim homeland persecution Everybody's doin' it Take the law and screwin' it Come and join the immigration nation! Now it's time for you to bring Your bed-ridden family in Get them all a fixed address And NHS, NHS, NHS Soon as you are legal aliens You are better than Australians They do it by the rules What a bunch of tools Come and join the immigration nation! So let's keep the culture vibrant With hordes of economic migrants Who'll sweep the streets and cut inflation Cos we won't do jobs below our station Did your social worker mention You're entitled to a pension? Please exploit the welfare state Now it's our turn to migrate The BNP makes it political The Daily Mail are hypocritical Watch them when they get the chance They'll retire to the South of France! So let's all claim an occupation Let's all toy with deportation Is that a new Playstation? We're off to a sunny location Come and join the Immigration nation! Now, in the interests of transparency I should declare that Destiny and myself have something of a history.
Uh not this again! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE WILL THEY WON'T THEY.
Yes, there's a touch of the old Ross and Rachels, methinks.
And we all know how that ended.
'Yeah hi, Jennifer this is David? David Schwimmer? 'We were in, um, Friends together? 'So remember how back on the first day of rehearsals 'I asked you out and you said 'never.
'Well, I noticed since Brad Pitt dumped you things haven't 'been going so well and I wondered 'if you were less of a picky bitch these days.
'OK call me, it's David Schwimmer bye.
Anyway.
Think I've been missing long enough for one day.
Oh, well good for you.
Some of us don't have homes to go back to.
Before you go, Destiny, thought I'd show you this spectacular visual illusion I've just learnt.
Oh, my DAYS! What, what is it? Ta-da! I can't see, I can't see! Also, I found this rare archive photo that categorically proves Ga-Ga has a penis And it's not where you'd think OK Gary you chimp's ballbag I am NOT spending the night out there so you can cancel the press conference.
Destiny! This is almost entirely as it looks.
Gary, you absolute DICK.
You came back! Oh, good girl! I want that skanky cat OUT of my bedroom.
I do have a name, actually.
Come and meet your new brother, he's called Frisbee.
And that name, it would seem, is now Frisbee.
Brother?! Gary, what have you DONE?! What do we think to Frizbee with a Z? Give it that contemporary spin? So I was thinking, if you were up for it tea, chunky-soup and Lark Rise? I have to say you're quite the most intriguing fox I've ever met.
And so lithe.
Like a vulpine Daniel Craig.
Always thought I'd make a cracking good Bond.
Yes, imagine me doing that iconic sequence from A Quantum of Solace.
I see your 500 and raise you sorry hang on this is Casino Royale.
Which is the bit from Quantum of Solace? I'm sure I've seen it I just can't remember ANYTHING about it.
Make love to me, Nelson.
Eileen! We only just met.
I don't have time for games.
Let's do it like two feral beasts right here and now on your hand-knotted taupe-weave Italian designer rug.
OK! Before we start any brittle bones I should be aware of? No.
Super.
Let's crack on.
MUSIC: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon Sarah Beeney! Samantha Mumba! Amanda Knox! Mum? Vincent? Nelson? Mum.
So.
I guess I should probably start running.
Ready.
Steady! I asked you to move nicely, you refused.
Behold-the silvery circular disc of death! Stare into the circular sparkly thing and be forever blinded! Kali, I am from the Harare province of Zimbabwe.
All my life I have suffered violence and recrimination.
When I was just six days old my nest was torched by ZANU-PF militants.
I could only watch as my mother, father, sisters and brothers were burnt alive in front of my face.
In summary, I fear only God and Robert Mugabe.
OK, fine.
Come here! Please! I had no idea who she was, I swear! You dirty and quite literal mother BLEEP! WILL YOU STOP SWEARING! Sorry, Mum.
Honestly, Vincent, have you been hanging around with Danny again? No.
Danny, me old BLEEP! Vince, you big BLEEP! Mate, it's been too BLEEPing long.
Too BLEEPing right it's been too BLEEPing long! What you been up to, you handsome old BLEEP? Just been making BLEEPing movies.
I'm a BLEEPing actor! How about you? Ah, same old, same old bit of killing, bit of BLEEPing.
You BLEEPing legend.
I've BLEEP missed you, you stupid BLEEP.
We should do this more BLEEPing often.
Stop it, you soppy BLEEP! HE LAUGHS Did you just call me a soppy BLEEP? No, Vince, now listen And, OK, it was unfortunate you walked in when you did.
You swear you were just tickle-fighting? Oh, absolutely.
SHUT UP! I'm serious about Nelson.
And if you love me, you'll respect that.
Understood? Fine.
Pardon? I said fine! Thank you.
Right, you can come out now, Nelson.
Now, why don't the two of you spend some time together? Bit of family bonding.
Whatever.
And, Vincent, if you BLEEP him, then eat him grounded.
HE GROANS Ow! Marion? Marion! Marion? Frizbee? Hallo, sister? Just so you know, Gary doesn't love you.
You're just a phase.
You are talking pure dog lies.
Like when he got the whole of Scrubs on DVD.
He really liked the first series, but then, oh, he started to find it really cloying and smug.
Do you know what he did? No.
He kept watching it, actually, until like season eight when Zach Braff left, and even then Sorry, what's your point? Didn't Scrubs go downhill? Yes, it did.
Mean it though Gary only went with you to get over me.
Really? Then why did he let me see him washing? ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS Hang on, why was he washing by candlelight? I dunno.
Are you absolutely sure that happened? I may have embellished slightly.
It felt very intimate at the time.
Fact is YOU need to leave.
Come.
Can we not just enjoy this selection of the World's Wildest Car Crashes as a family? You want to fight for Gary? You got one! CRASHING ON TV Ouch, there goes the no-claims bonus, eh, Gary? Oh, he's dead.
That's insensitive of me.
Did you want to call me dad, or? Don't push it.
Sorry.
Just thought it'd make a nice change from your usual greeting.
As versatile as it may be.
Morning BLEEP! Evening BLEEP! Merry Christmas BLEEP! It's Pancake Day BLEEP! Condolences BLEEP! Happy Black History Month BLEEP! With her being "of an age", I'd like to move things on quite swiftly Vince, I'd like to take your mother as my wife.
If you EVER hurt my duchess, do you know what I'll do to you? I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here and say "something horrid"? Right.
We're looking for "something horrid".
Saskia, the envelope.
"Something horrid!" Whoa, what have I won? A weekend for two in historic Bruges! Really?! No.
You have my blessing.
Now come here step-BLEEP.
Oh, Vince, thank you! You're a good lad.
Now you give her one from me, yeah? So, Gary finally gave me his number.
Such an awesome guy.
It's like, he loves Scary Movie, I love Scary Movie.
He loves Epic Movie, I love Epic Movie.
He loves Date Movie, I DETEST Date Movie! It is a shitty movie.
I want to take a dump in the sandpit of the director who made this shitty, shitty movie so his children play in the sandpit and catch the roundworm parasite and go blind! But it's these little differences that keep things interesting.
Shush, she's coming! Nelson? I've brought that Radio Times with the piece on Animal Park.
Marry me! She's She's dead! Mum? Is it safe to come in? You're not tickle-fighting, are you? HE GASPS H'OK, I got this! (IMITATES HER) Just a minute, dear! I'll be out in a second! Marion, she's dead! How is that helpful? Ah.
Good point.
OK, come on in, dear! NO! Quick! Under the hand-knotted taupe weave Italian designer rug! Morning c gents! Oh.
Where's Mummy? HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Actually Actually, Vince, she, um She She just popped off-out! To meet her maker-baker! Banker! She popped out to meet her banker to talk about buying the farm-firm! To talk about buying the firm Woolworths! Sorry, could you keep your death-based Freudian slips to an absolute minimum? I can certainly try.
I'll wait here for her here then.
OK! I'll distract him, you get the body back to the nature reserve.
So Vince, I believe there's bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream somewhere.
Huh.
Look what the cat dragged "out.
" HE LAUGHS Ah, classic Frizbee.
I just wanted to say sorry.
Keep my perch.
It's all yours.
Thank you, Kali.
I appreciate ARGH! It's Mugabe! Quick, fly away! Before he illegally seizes your personal property! I think you should return to your inferior perch now.
LAUGHTER Huh? What's that? Bill Cosby, keep an eye on this body for me.
IT IS ROBERT MUGABE! You cock.
I cannot catch my tail! I cannot catch my tail! I am trying to catch my tail and yet I cannot catch my tail! What are you doing? Acting like a dipshit puppy, and he's lapping it up.
Who's that? Who's that? Who's that?! Is it me? Is it me? I don't understand! I am here and yet I am also there! What has gotten into you? H'OK, bitch, two can play at this game.
Look at me! I am loveably cleaning my face! Aw! Look at me! For I am trapped on my back and not on legs like what I am supposed to be! Aw! Look at me, I have gotten my head stuck in this tissue box! Aw! Look at me I have just heard something what I don't fully understand.
Aw! Look at me, I have fatally misjudged the distance to the sofa.
ARGGGGH! Arghh, mother fucker! Oh, God, oh, God oh, God! So, ja looks like mein dinner plans just changed.
More Pinot, Mutti? Timothy?! Steffani?! I thought you had pilates? Tschus, Mutti.
Oh, nice stole.
You're a good bloke, Nelson.
I know you're going to look after her.
Well, certainly try to! Obviously, none of us lives forever.
Who knows when the Grim Reaper will, you know, jump out at you with balloons and an engagement ring? What a beautiful but odd way of putting it.
Nope, so long as, you know, when she goes, she goes with some dignity, that's all I care about.
Zoe Ball! I can't believe I'm telling you this and I wiped my hand on my mum's fur coat in the cupboard.
Anyway, I've got a sherry headache.
See you in a bit.
OK.
Bye.
I've got to get her back before Vince finds out.
OK, Zoe Ball, time to stalk you down the only way I know how! DRAMATIC MUSIC so, Gary this is it, end of the line.
We've had some good times.
We've laughed we've cried we've hallucinated.
We've found out we were suffering the effects of a gas leak.
But, yeah, goodbye.
You are leaving? I'm not, he is.
See, I decided if I can't have him, no-one will.
What? Let me spell it out M-E-R-C-U-R-Y P-O-I-S-O-N-I-N-G.
Biscuits? Mercury poisoning, dick.
Drink up, Gary.
You crazy bitch, what have you done?! HE SHRIEKS Jesus Christ, you clumsy bastard! Well, it's been lovely living with you.
My Eileen! What have they done to you?! You smell of Really nice.
Is that DKNY? Really fresh! Number 78? So, here's one for the memoir.
Hello, babes, it's me, just to let you know I'll be back a bit late.
Hold on, Eileen old girl.
I'm coming to take you home.
Yeah.
Matt Baker's booked us a table at Cafe Rouge.
Cafe Rouge! No, I owe it to Eileen.
Apparently Fogle's having a send-off before they ship him up to the West Country.
HE CRIES Nobby found her! She was lying in the gutter outside the Elle Style Awards! Oh.
Oh, dear.
You'll never leave me, will you, Dad? Oh, no, of course not, Vince.
Good, because I've decided I want to go to medical school, I've been thinking about Queens University, Belfast.
I'll need about nine grand.
Though technically we were never married Oh, she was an angel.
And if anyone ANYONE, ever disrespects her memory, I will Your mother was a slag.
Who said that? Mmm? I said, your mother was a slag.
Biltong, blood diamonds, Live Aid.
Right, you migratory BLEEP! Yes! Bo! Boom shack a lack! Once again, Western civilisation uses brute violence to repress the poor under-privileged people of Third World.
Oh, crap, I'm part of the problem.
Anyhoo, better dash.
I've got a date.
Not a new lady already? Have you learned nothing from the past 24 hours? No, no, she's not my girlfriend.
Well not yet.
'Call me, it's David Schwimmer.
Bye!' HE HANGS UP PHONE
And cut! Well.
Worth a shot.
All back to mine? We need fight them! That's how we won the battle of Hoxton Lidl.
Felicity Ann Kendal! You were there in '04? There comes a time when you must take direct action, when we small animals must come together to fight the mighty human corporate machine.
You heard the lady! Tim, Nobby, Marion, attack! Here comes die schmerzen! What I was going to say was "and that time is after you've" "completed at least two months of intensive training drills.
" No that does make sense.
Because we're really are getting a pasting out there.
and on the bright side we'll have a lot of bloody good seasonal produce right on our doorstep.
So Guess where Gary's taking me? The V-E-T-S.
apparently it's some kind of award ceremony like the VMAs but better jealous? Yeah you should be anyway laters.
V-E-T-S.
Those four letters What? There is secret human code I have heard talk about from my feline elders.
The finest cat minds have been trying, without joy, to crack it since the 1940s.
This much we DO know every time a human takes animal to this so-called " V-E-T-S" they end up at the vets! What you on about? Like I say, we don't yet know the how, we're still working on that, all I can say for definite is Sorry to ruin the whole thing here, um, V-E-T-S spells vets.
Not that hard.
Well.
I happen to think it's a little more complicated than that, Nelson! No-no, really isn't.
Jesus! Oh, my DAYS! Destiny relax, veterinary procedures have come a long way.
So long as you avoid surgery tourism on the continent.
Well, I ain't going! No way.
I'll just live out here.
Kali.
You're unseasonably quiet today.
Oh.
The cat got your tongue? Huh? Mmm? Has it? Marion.
What no comeback? Oh, I'm sorry Kali, has my moderately zingy putdown mentally unsettled you to the extent that you're no longer capable of forming basic sentences That's not Kali.
.
.
which would explain everything! Sorry, mate, that's actually Kali's perch.
So if you don't mind moving on.
Oh, just because I am an African you don't want me in your garden.
Well, I know my rights I have migrated to UK You're a migrant?! Why didn't you just say? Ruddy bloody welcome! Ah we love Africans, don't we, guys? Absolutely! Not really.
Some of our best friends are Africans! By which I mean none of our best friends are Africans, we don't even know any Africans, we're worried we're racist, hallo! So I can stay? Of course you can stay! Maybe later we could listen to some Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
Because I am SUCKER for all those boring cultural bits on Jools Holland! Look, I don't have time to lay around all day.
Oh, please.
Just tell us again about the summer of 2005.
Well, it was a different time back then.
Do you know what we used to call the household cleaning product Cif? No.
Jif.
Wow! No way! And there was none of this super-fast broadband.
There was no Chat Roulette.
Really? So how did grown men masturbate at complete strangers? They had to hide in bushes and wait until someone walked past.
Retro! Where are you living Eileen? My son stuck me out in the Wetlands Nature Reserve.
Oh, the, er, retirement community? Wow.
Frankly you don't look old enough! Frankly you DO look old enough.
Well, I'd better get going if I want to see Ben Fogle on the One Show.
Oh, wouldn't waste your time, he's just Tweeted.
Apparently he's been drafted in for emergency Countryfile reshoots Craven's gone down with norovirus.
Julia Bradbury! Well, that's ripped a hole in my evening.
Sorry.
Have you heard of the Yahoo group "Friends of Fogle?" I post on the forums.
I moderate! FogieFogy86? TheFogleMogul! MUSIC: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon Ahem.
Mmm? Oh.
Marion, I'm going to escort this fair lady home.
Stay here.
Don't touch the stuff in the fridge.
OK! Ah, 80s movie references.
Keep them in the fridge, they stay fresh for years.
Oh.
Yakult.
Destiny, come in love, what have I got? Look at him.
Trying to lure me in with a T-R-E-A-T.
A what? Spells 'biscuit, ' you prick.
You should count yourself lucky you have owner who cares about you! Well, he can shove his biscuit up his fat arse, I'm not going back.
In which case, would you mind if I made a play for him? See if he'd take me in? You've got a 'thing' for Gary? Does he ever talk about me? Yeah he says, "Why does that shitty cat keep leaving dead birds in my garden?".
KNEW there was a vibe.
Hold on tight Gary, I'm coming for you.
Oi! You're on my perch! My perch now.
I suggest you find other perch.
Or what? Or I peck the flesh from your face and in one week your body washes up on banks of the Thames with your feet and wings hacked off and your beak stuffed inside your anus.
Fine.
OK.
I'll just perch here then.
Further.
Further.
Further.
My God.
To have all this on your doorstep.
You don't have to live here.
Hello young man.
I'm a bigot and I've dirtied myself.
Such wonderful stories.
God, I admire you.
Most vixens your age are laying dead on some rural B-road, but here you are, so full of - Kiss me.
- What the? MUSIC: Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer I've fallen Help Help I can't get up Call the ranger! Help! Help! Sorry shall we take this back to my place? Let's.
Oh.
Where did you come from? This, us, it cannot be denied another day.
Sorry little man you're on my keyboard.
Don't speak Don't ruin Just hold! Destiny I'd like you to meet my, um, special friend, Eileen.
Urgh Nelson, you DIRTY little grave-robber! Eileen, this is Destiny.
And Kali? I'M OVER HERE.
What the coconuts are you doing all the way over there? It's my new perch.
Some African stole my old one.
Oh, let me guess-we migratory birds, we come over here, eat all your food, sleep with your women.
Well, don't apologise! Crikey.
After all This is the immigration nation We actively encourage mass migration Tear up your application form Let the border crossings swarm And here's how to dodge the legislation Apply online for a student Visa Or get smuggled in whichever's easier Then you find a small bedsit And benefits, benefits, benefits If you're fearing prosecution Just claim homeland persecution Everybody's doin' it Take the law and screwin' it Come and join the immigration nation! Now it's time for you to bring Your bed-ridden family in Get them all a fixed address And NHS, NHS, NHS Soon as you are legal aliens You are better than Australians They do it by the rules What a bunch of tools Come and join the immigration nation! So let's keep the culture vibrant With hordes of economic migrants Who'll sweep the streets and cut inflation Cos we won't do jobs below our station Did your social worker mention You're entitled to a pension? Please exploit the welfare state Now it's our turn to migrate The BNP makes it political The Daily Mail are hypocritical Watch them when they get the chance They'll retire to the South of France! So let's all claim an occupation Let's all toy with deportation Is that a new Playstation? We're off to a sunny location Come and join the Immigration nation! Now, in the interests of transparency I should declare that Destiny and myself have something of a history.
Uh not this again! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE WILL THEY WON'T THEY.
Yes, there's a touch of the old Ross and Rachels, methinks.
And we all know how that ended.
'Yeah hi, Jennifer this is David? David Schwimmer? 'We were in, um, Friends together? 'So remember how back on the first day of rehearsals 'I asked you out and you said 'never.
'Well, I noticed since Brad Pitt dumped you things haven't 'been going so well and I wondered 'if you were less of a picky bitch these days.
'OK call me, it's David Schwimmer bye.
Anyway.
Think I've been missing long enough for one day.
Oh, well good for you.
Some of us don't have homes to go back to.
Before you go, Destiny, thought I'd show you this spectacular visual illusion I've just learnt.
Oh, my DAYS! What, what is it? Ta-da! I can't see, I can't see! Also, I found this rare archive photo that categorically proves Ga-Ga has a penis And it's not where you'd think OK Gary you chimp's ballbag I am NOT spending the night out there so you can cancel the press conference.
Destiny! This is almost entirely as it looks.
Gary, you absolute DICK.
You came back! Oh, good girl! I want that skanky cat OUT of my bedroom.
I do have a name, actually.
Come and meet your new brother, he's called Frisbee.
And that name, it would seem, is now Frisbee.
Brother?! Gary, what have you DONE?! What do we think to Frizbee with a Z? Give it that contemporary spin? So I was thinking, if you were up for it tea, chunky-soup and Lark Rise? I have to say you're quite the most intriguing fox I've ever met.
And so lithe.
Like a vulpine Daniel Craig.
Always thought I'd make a cracking good Bond.
Yes, imagine me doing that iconic sequence from A Quantum of Solace.
I see your 500 and raise you sorry hang on this is Casino Royale.
Which is the bit from Quantum of Solace? I'm sure I've seen it I just can't remember ANYTHING about it.
Make love to me, Nelson.
Eileen! We only just met.
I don't have time for games.
Let's do it like two feral beasts right here and now on your hand-knotted taupe-weave Italian designer rug.
OK! Before we start any brittle bones I should be aware of? No.
Super.
Let's crack on.
MUSIC: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon Sarah Beeney! Samantha Mumba! Amanda Knox! Mum? Vincent? Nelson? Mum.
So.
I guess I should probably start running.
Ready.
Steady! I asked you to move nicely, you refused.
Behold-the silvery circular disc of death! Stare into the circular sparkly thing and be forever blinded! Kali, I am from the Harare province of Zimbabwe.
All my life I have suffered violence and recrimination.
When I was just six days old my nest was torched by ZANU-PF militants.
I could only watch as my mother, father, sisters and brothers were burnt alive in front of my face.
In summary, I fear only God and Robert Mugabe.
OK, fine.
Come here! Please! I had no idea who she was, I swear! You dirty and quite literal mother BLEEP! WILL YOU STOP SWEARING! Sorry, Mum.
Honestly, Vincent, have you been hanging around with Danny again? No.
Danny, me old BLEEP! Vince, you big BLEEP! Mate, it's been too BLEEPing long.
Too BLEEPing right it's been too BLEEPing long! What you been up to, you handsome old BLEEP? Just been making BLEEPing movies.
I'm a BLEEPing actor! How about you? Ah, same old, same old bit of killing, bit of BLEEPing.
You BLEEPing legend.
I've BLEEP missed you, you stupid BLEEP.
We should do this more BLEEPing often.
Stop it, you soppy BLEEP! HE LAUGHS Did you just call me a soppy BLEEP? No, Vince, now listen And, OK, it was unfortunate you walked in when you did.
You swear you were just tickle-fighting? Oh, absolutely.
SHUT UP! I'm serious about Nelson.
And if you love me, you'll respect that.
Understood? Fine.
Pardon? I said fine! Thank you.
Right, you can come out now, Nelson.
Now, why don't the two of you spend some time together? Bit of family bonding.
Whatever.
And, Vincent, if you BLEEP him, then eat him grounded.
HE GROANS Ow! Marion? Marion! Marion? Frizbee? Hallo, sister? Just so you know, Gary doesn't love you.
You're just a phase.
You are talking pure dog lies.
Like when he got the whole of Scrubs on DVD.
He really liked the first series, but then, oh, he started to find it really cloying and smug.
Do you know what he did? No.
He kept watching it, actually, until like season eight when Zach Braff left, and even then Sorry, what's your point? Didn't Scrubs go downhill? Yes, it did.
Mean it though Gary only went with you to get over me.
Really? Then why did he let me see him washing? ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS Hang on, why was he washing by candlelight? I dunno.
Are you absolutely sure that happened? I may have embellished slightly.
It felt very intimate at the time.
Fact is YOU need to leave.
Come.
Can we not just enjoy this selection of the World's Wildest Car Crashes as a family? You want to fight for Gary? You got one! CRASHING ON TV Ouch, there goes the no-claims bonus, eh, Gary? Oh, he's dead.
That's insensitive of me.
Did you want to call me dad, or? Don't push it.
Sorry.
Just thought it'd make a nice change from your usual greeting.
As versatile as it may be.
Morning BLEEP! Evening BLEEP! Merry Christmas BLEEP! It's Pancake Day BLEEP! Condolences BLEEP! Happy Black History Month BLEEP! With her being "of an age", I'd like to move things on quite swiftly Vince, I'd like to take your mother as my wife.
If you EVER hurt my duchess, do you know what I'll do to you? I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here and say "something horrid"? Right.
We're looking for "something horrid".
Saskia, the envelope.
"Something horrid!" Whoa, what have I won? A weekend for two in historic Bruges! Really?! No.
You have my blessing.
Now come here step-BLEEP.
Oh, Vince, thank you! You're a good lad.
Now you give her one from me, yeah? So, Gary finally gave me his number.
Such an awesome guy.
It's like, he loves Scary Movie, I love Scary Movie.
He loves Epic Movie, I love Epic Movie.
He loves Date Movie, I DETEST Date Movie! It is a shitty movie.
I want to take a dump in the sandpit of the director who made this shitty, shitty movie so his children play in the sandpit and catch the roundworm parasite and go blind! But it's these little differences that keep things interesting.
Shush, she's coming! Nelson? I've brought that Radio Times with the piece on Animal Park.
Marry me! She's She's dead! Mum? Is it safe to come in? You're not tickle-fighting, are you? HE GASPS H'OK, I got this! (IMITATES HER) Just a minute, dear! I'll be out in a second! Marion, she's dead! How is that helpful? Ah.
Good point.
OK, come on in, dear! NO! Quick! Under the hand-knotted taupe weave Italian designer rug! Morning c gents! Oh.
Where's Mummy? HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Actually Actually, Vince, she, um She She just popped off-out! To meet her maker-baker! Banker! She popped out to meet her banker to talk about buying the farm-firm! To talk about buying the firm Woolworths! Sorry, could you keep your death-based Freudian slips to an absolute minimum? I can certainly try.
I'll wait here for her here then.
OK! I'll distract him, you get the body back to the nature reserve.
So Vince, I believe there's bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream somewhere.
Huh.
Look what the cat dragged "out.
" HE LAUGHS Ah, classic Frizbee.
I just wanted to say sorry.
Keep my perch.
It's all yours.
Thank you, Kali.
I appreciate ARGH! It's Mugabe! Quick, fly away! Before he illegally seizes your personal property! I think you should return to your inferior perch now.
LAUGHTER Huh? What's that? Bill Cosby, keep an eye on this body for me.
IT IS ROBERT MUGABE! You cock.
I cannot catch my tail! I cannot catch my tail! I am trying to catch my tail and yet I cannot catch my tail! What are you doing? Acting like a dipshit puppy, and he's lapping it up.
Who's that? Who's that? Who's that?! Is it me? Is it me? I don't understand! I am here and yet I am also there! What has gotten into you? H'OK, bitch, two can play at this game.
Look at me! I am loveably cleaning my face! Aw! Look at me! For I am trapped on my back and not on legs like what I am supposed to be! Aw! Look at me, I have gotten my head stuck in this tissue box! Aw! Look at me I have just heard something what I don't fully understand.
Aw! Look at me, I have fatally misjudged the distance to the sofa.
ARGGGGH! Arghh, mother fucker! Oh, God, oh, God oh, God! So, ja looks like mein dinner plans just changed.
More Pinot, Mutti? Timothy?! Steffani?! I thought you had pilates? Tschus, Mutti.
Oh, nice stole.
You're a good bloke, Nelson.
I know you're going to look after her.
Well, certainly try to! Obviously, none of us lives forever.
Who knows when the Grim Reaper will, you know, jump out at you with balloons and an engagement ring? What a beautiful but odd way of putting it.
Nope, so long as, you know, when she goes, she goes with some dignity, that's all I care about.
Zoe Ball! I can't believe I'm telling you this and I wiped my hand on my mum's fur coat in the cupboard.
Anyway, I've got a sherry headache.
See you in a bit.
OK.
Bye.
I've got to get her back before Vince finds out.
OK, Zoe Ball, time to stalk you down the only way I know how! DRAMATIC MUSIC so, Gary this is it, end of the line.
We've had some good times.
We've laughed we've cried we've hallucinated.
We've found out we were suffering the effects of a gas leak.
But, yeah, goodbye.
You are leaving? I'm not, he is.
See, I decided if I can't have him, no-one will.
What? Let me spell it out M-E-R-C-U-R-Y P-O-I-S-O-N-I-N-G.
Biscuits? Mercury poisoning, dick.
Drink up, Gary.
You crazy bitch, what have you done?! HE SHRIEKS Jesus Christ, you clumsy bastard! Well, it's been lovely living with you.
My Eileen! What have they done to you?! You smell of Really nice.
Is that DKNY? Really fresh! Number 78? So, here's one for the memoir.
Hello, babes, it's me, just to let you know I'll be back a bit late.
Hold on, Eileen old girl.
I'm coming to take you home.
Yeah.
Matt Baker's booked us a table at Cafe Rouge.
Cafe Rouge! No, I owe it to Eileen.
Apparently Fogle's having a send-off before they ship him up to the West Country.
HE CRIES Nobby found her! She was lying in the gutter outside the Elle Style Awards! Oh.
Oh, dear.
You'll never leave me, will you, Dad? Oh, no, of course not, Vince.
Good, because I've decided I want to go to medical school, I've been thinking about Queens University, Belfast.
I'll need about nine grand.
Though technically we were never married Oh, she was an angel.
And if anyone ANYONE, ever disrespects her memory, I will Your mother was a slag.
Who said that? Mmm? I said, your mother was a slag.
Biltong, blood diamonds, Live Aid.
Right, you migratory BLEEP! Yes! Bo! Boom shack a lack! Once again, Western civilisation uses brute violence to repress the poor under-privileged people of Third World.
Oh, crap, I'm part of the problem.
Anyhoo, better dash.
I've got a date.
Not a new lady already? Have you learned nothing from the past 24 hours? No, no, she's not my girlfriend.
Well not yet.
'Call me, it's David Schwimmer.
Bye!' HE HANGS UP PHONE