Monsters vs. Aliens (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

The Fruit of All Evil

MVA MVA Monsters vs.
Aliens It's us vs.
them Foe vs.
friend Brain vs.
It's a super-freaky job Oh, yeah, it's freaky.
MVA Monsters vs.
Aliens Monsters vs.
Aliens [cackles] Monsters vs.
Aliens MVA 1x08 - It Came on a Field Trip Seems we've got us an unidentified alien in the pacific northwest, and I want answers.
The letter "H.
" Thomas Alva Edison.
- Answers to the alien problem, B.
- Don't worry, General.
Team Monster is ready to kick alien butt, and we're happy to start with this one.
[scoffs] Good luck finding my buttock.
You think it's here, but in alien anatomy, who knows? Maybe it's on my foot.
[chuckles] Knew it! [teasing] Ew! Get your foot-butt out of my face, Coverton.
Stand down, both of you! Coverton's our insider.
He can smooth over first contact with the extraterrestrial and/or annihilate it.
Either way, I'm good.
- I always thought that was his butt.
- It is not! [music] [squirrels chattering] Okay, guys, mission is a go.
Link, you're on point.
If you see anything, give the signal.
[high-pitched whirring] Okay, what do we got? It's small, fast, and it appears to be stalking us.
- Yes, definitely stalking us.
- Heads up.
I just laid a candy trail to lure the sucker out in the open.
Then we can [screams excitedly] Guys, I found wild candy! [munching loudly] Oh, this is so much better when it's free-range.
[munching loudly] [high-pitched whirring] Soldiers, set your attitudes to gluteus kickiness.
[shouts] What a professional abduction! - Big fan of your work! - It's getting away! [music] Let me go! That is an order! I will - We're losing ground.
- I did mention it was fast.
- B.
, slingshot express.
- On it.
- Who's going in? - Eeny, meeny, miny, Coverton! [grumbling] [screams] [crash in distance] Hello, first contact.
[groaning] - Where is the alien? - Is it invisible? [shouting] You can't dodge forever, camouflalien.
[shouts] Underneath.
Okay, no matter what comes out from under there, we go fast, we go strong, we go big.
[high-pitched whirring] Please step with caution.
I am very small and damageable.
All: Aw.
You're not gonna hurt anyone, are you, you adorable little cutie? [giggles] Do you have a name? I am called Sqweep.
All: Aw.
Oh, it's just fun to say.
[babbling] May I remind you Monsters that this cutie, Sqweep, has your commanding officer dressed up like a Merry Christmas goose? Apologies if my energy ropes discomforted you.
I merely did not wish to have my gluteus kicked, as per your order.
How dare you, sir? Today you are the monster.
Which means I am the General.
[as Monger] You are all dismissed! [as self] We're dismissed? I'm gonna hunt more candy.
[chuckles] Fine.
I promise not to hurt the kid.
[device beeps] Oh, please.
One cute face, and you all drop your guard? The child could be the vanguard of a global invasion! I demand you surrender all of your conquest plans complete with any breakthroughs in human enslavement.
Hand them to Coverton.
[cackles] - But my mission is peaceful.
- Boring.
I'm on an Earth studies field trip.
- Field trip? Like school? - Precisely.
I'm researching a report on this planet's dominant species.
A researcher! How darling! Does Dr.
Cockroach need to help with all the tricky-wicky data analysis? Unnecessary.
The finished report is already loaded onto this information pod.
All that remains is to transmit it from the communication console on my ship.
Aww, even the ship is cute! I made a very thorough study.
Strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, population centers, a complete breakdown of government and military units, and how to defeat them.
If that kid's report fell into the wrong hands, tentacles, or crab-like pincers, it would be the groundwork for an invasion! Yes, I suppose that is true.
Sorry, but the General's right.
We can't let you transmit that.
It's too dangerous for the Earth.
I am also sorry, But this report is 1/3 of my Earth studies grade.
Any risk to my perfect grade point average will be countered most severely.
[laughs] What you got there, kid? - Bug spray? - Pest repellant.
[zap!, shouts] I never fail.
Code red, Monsters! Intercept that report! - On it! - So very on it.
[cackles] Ha-ha! Ha, ha Susan, I forgot how to be a solid.
[grunts] What in Dr.
Cockroach, what are you doing to my ride? Combination afterburners and homing function, General.
You are now locked on to the alien child's form at extra maximum speed.
[shouts] I'm sorry for any inconvenience to your faces.
You're in over your head, kid.
I have decades of combat training and the speed of a barracuda.
I have bees.
[screams] [grunts] Game over, Sqweep.
Just hand over the report, and we can [both shout] What? You tripped the large-sized female? We are fellow aliens on a strange planet and therefore natural best friends.
Why, I could even help protect your information pod.
[laughs] Unnecessary.
But I am very pleased to be your new best friend.
Best friends share.
That's how you know they're best friends the sharing.
BFs! [device whirring] Sweet rhubarb pie! We're too late! Not yet.
[women screaming] Behold, a jamming device so powerful, it will not only block out transmission of Sqweep's report.
It will flash-fry the data forever! [laughs] [thunder crashing] [device whirring] [computer beeping] [weapon whirring] [loud zapping] Science is my favorite subject too.
Would you like me to teach you how to be better at it? I'm beginning to despise that child.
Begin report transmission.
Squirrels, Earth's fluffy puppet masters.
- Um, well - [chuckling] Squirrels.
Um, Sqweep, what is this? My report on Earth's dominant species.
And you think that species is the squirrel? [computer whirring] [both laughing] - Wow.
Really? - Clearly, it's squirrels.
Their leaping, foraging, and fluffiness skills are superior.
It's called "science", people.
Their language is too complex to completely decode, but I am certain they are secretly running every major world organization.
[both laughing] Be nice.
Little alien, I assure you it's us humans who dominate this planet.
- Humans? - Unfortunately, yes.
[shouts] Report interrupted.
Please ignore transmission.
Will submit project later.
[sighs] - Wait.
"Will submit project later"? - It is 1/3 of my grade.
I must stay and redo my report with humans this time.
What makes you think I'd allow an alien to run willy-nilly over my terra firma? I think I have already proven that you cannot stop me.
- Can.
- Cannot.
- Yes, I can.
- Enough! You want to stay here, you will operate under my supervision out of our base at Area 50-something.
What? We're bringing in another alien? I like to keep my friends close and my aliens closer.
I accept, and I already have a best friend.
[shudders] You're gonna want to wash that hand.
Then welcome aboard, Sqweep.
Soldiers, return to base.
But, General, the child is a menace.
Are all Earth creatures this jealous of superior intelligence? - I should know this for my report.
- I am not jealous.
[squirrels chattering] [zap!] - Close one.
- Indeed.
1x09 - Educational Television Whoo! [laughs] Both: Lazy Saturday.
- Where's the remote? - Face fishing! [gags] [TV beeping] - No.
- "No signal.
" Oh, is that a cop show? - It can't be.
- More "no signal".
Man, this show is on, like, every channel.
, I think I think the cable's out.
[creaking] We have no TV.
No TV, B.
! Hmm.
[screaming] This is an epic boredom crisis.
The very survival of lazy Saturday is at stake.
[screams] - What do we do? - We find something fun, pronto! This is gonna be awesome! Yeah, try not to talk.
Throws off the aim a little bit.
I'll try, but, you know, you know my mouth.
I mean, sometimes it just does stuff and I don't even realize it.
Oh, there it goes again! Bad mouth! [babbling] This activity has a 97.
44% chance of catastrophic damage.
I merely wish to record the results for my Earth studies report.
I have a section on your planet's substandard intelligence.
Whoa, kid.
There's nothing sub about Earth intelligence.
My mouth got free again! [grunts] The cable's out.
You take away a man's TV, stuff's gonna happen.
And what would happen if he had television back? - You have TV? - Gimme.
- Gimme! - So bored! - Please gimme! - Alien satellite television.
It is not the premium package, so I only receive 65 trillion channels.
[both babbling] Would you like to borrow it? I'm confident your tiny Earth minds will benefit from my educational television.
Hold up.
Educational television? You know that learning and fun are enemies in the wild, right? - Well, if you don't want it - 65 trillion channels? - From 17 different galaxies.
- We'll take our chances.
[both laugh] Space jail.
Martian martial arts mayhem.
Ooh, this one's just stuff exploding.
And that's the actual title, "just stuff exploding".
I got to tell you, Sqweep, this does not sound like brain food.
- I assure you - Shh, shh, shh.
TV talking now.
And here's more of Theta quadrant's painfulest home videos.
[clang!] Ooh, my gleentorgs! - [laughs] Right in the gleentorgs.
- I love educational television.
Kiss me, omeganaught! Kiss me with each of your seven mouths.
[loud smooching] Officer Zankar-7, stand down.
You can't parachute from space jail! It's in space! But I'm a loose cannon, chief.
And it's the only way to save the galactic emperor's baby.
- Do it! - Do it, Zankar! Zankar! Deploy space-chute in three, two [TV beeping] - Hey! - TV! Continue watching, yes or no? [stammering] Yeah! Continue watching! Think of the galactic emperor's baby! One plus one equals Hey what hey, what's wrong with your TV? Nothing.
It is a perfectly functioning educational television.
Yeah, maybe it's my Earth intelligence, but on this planet, educational TV means puppets teaching the alphabet or songs about washing your hands after you tinkle.
Uh, whoa, whoa, we're supposed to do what after what? Well, you can finish the chips.
[gulps] Well, on my planet, educational television is a device.
In order to continue watching, you must answer an academic question.
But that's like work! On lazy Saturday? Oh, what is wrong with you? Easy, B.
You know, whatever.
As long as there's still TV, I can handle some simple math.
One plus one equals - Mushroom.
- Seriously? That answer is wrong! [loud zapping] What was that? Paincentive, a registered alien trademark.
It's also a registered butt mark.
Every time you get a question wrong, there will be another sonic blast to remind you to be smarter.
Identify the shape.
Big boom for every wrong answer, huh? - You thinking what I'm thinking, buddy? - The shape is a no-angle? That answer is wrong! [loud zapping] - Cool! - Yeah! Take that, books! This is way better than regular TV.
Come on, B.
Let's go have some fun.
What? You are thirsty.
Do you need a glass of water or a campfire? I'm deferring to B.
Does the campfire have any juice boxes? That answer is wrong! [loud zapping] - Yeah! - All right! What are you doing? This is not improving your Earth intelligence.
I'm smart enough to know I'm not bored anymore.
"E" equals MC Boom.
[both laugh] [high-pitched whirring] What sound does a cow make? None.
It's in stealth mode.
Why would a cow be in stealth mode? Ask her.
She's the one wearing cowmaflage.
[sighs] That answer is wrong! [both whooping] You are mocking the educational process.
This experiment [shouts] Both: Ha! Oh, nothing much.
Just chilling, plotting evil, you know? How's your day? Duck.
D-O-Zero-Q? Wrong! [loud zapping] [screams] [groans] Surprise! You are disappointing the entire universe.
Wrong! [loud zapping] [muffled music playing] - Cupcakes.
- Wrong! [loud zapping] - Anything important broken? - Not yet.
Are you going to do nothing about this? - Shh.
Lazy Saturday.
- But [clang] Wrong! [explosion] [shouts] [repeated loud zapping] Yeah! You got nothing! Come on, I'll make it easy for you.
You realize you are confirming the inferiority of Earth intelligence? [laughing] Oh, I got you this time! Pick which cat is different.
Here is a hint.
It is the one that is an elephant.
[elephant trumpets] Hmm.
[device beeping, elephant trumpeting] [device beeping, elephant trumpeting] Um, that one looks vegetarian? [device whirring down] - What happened? - I do not know.
Your mind is an insult to the universe.
[scoffs] Shows what you know.
I don't even have a mind.
I am forced to increase the paincentive to ultimate.
Huh, that sounds ominous.
Well, it serves you both right.
Sometimes the only way to learn Any planet that produces such stupidity cannot be allowed to exist.
- Say what with the what? - Oh, gleentorgs.
Now downloading an app to launch the Earth into the sun.
Have a nice five minutes of remaining existence.
Is that app free? 'Cause you didn't ask my credit card number, which is seven Downloading faster now.
Make the blue man go away.
Make him go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just shoot us into the sun over some stupid questions! Uh, technically, the answers were stupid, buddy.
Oh, now you're smart.
Do you know what it means if the planet is incinerated? Yeah, we're all goners! Worse! An automatic D-minus in Earth studies.
- What? - Come on.
Give us another question.
I promise we'll get it right.
Yes, one more chance.
Please? Final question.
- Phew.
- Phew.
Calculate the velocity required to maximize the gravitational slingshot effect when rounding perselon's second largest moon during the apex of its orbital crossing.
That'll be for you.
But that moon orbits an irregular ellipses that vary with each cycle.
It would take two days to run all the calculations.
Download complete.
[device beeping] [rumbling] Lazy Saturday Now shake very lightly and [rumbling] [whimpering] [shouting] [shouts] Maybe the answer is [grunts] - What's going on? - If somebody doesn't tell that mini TV the right velocity for some gravity slingshot, it's gonna launch this rock into the sun! Is it weird that not a single word of that surprised me? Perselon's second largest moon, eh? Tricky job, irregular ellipses and whatnot.
- Better let me have a go.
- No, thank you.
- Yes, please.
- Unnecessary.
- Actually, I believe - Actually, it would be most helpful if you'd shut your mandibles and let me work.
Okay, I think it's got something to do with ice cream sandwi You're missing the shortcut provided by Gervalli's constant.
Gervalli's constant does not apply to quadruple helix patterns.
Not on the first seven cycles, but Enough! Your friends have already proven that Earth intelligence is inferior, incompetent, and incapable.
I got it.
The answer is "one foot.
" - One foot? - That's not even a measure of velocity.
[device whirring down] Signal lost.
[both grunt] Earth intelligence is fine, thanks.
It just runs stronger on the female side.
Oh, Susan broke the TV.
I'm bored again! You want to go play experimental weapons tag? - I'm in! - I'll get the launch codes.