Monsters vs. Aliens (2013) s01e16 Episode Script

98 Pound Cockroach

MVA MVA Monsters vs.
Aliens It's us vs.
them Foe vs.
friend Brain vs.
It's a super-freaky job Oh, yeah, it's freaky.
MVA Monsters vs.
Aliens Monsters vs.
Aliens [cackles] Monsters vs.
Aliens MVA 1x24 - Driven to Madness Eyes and ears, people.
I've called you here for a very special presentation from our resident genius.
Wow! This is unexpected.
I-I didn't prepare any formal remarks, but I'm happy to wing it.
I meant the other genius.
- Greetings! - Oh.
Of course.
[grunts] As part of my earth studies research, I have made some interesting observations.
- Great.
- Hey! Be nice.
Specifically, your ground vehicles are shockingly slow, which is why I created the X-25.
[engine revving] Ah! [tires screeching] If awesome married incredible and then had a beautiful baby, that baby would be called X-25! Wah-hoo-hoo-hoo! [imitates engine revving] That's, uh yeah, I was just saying that is one sweet ride.
So sweet your teeth will fall out, which is exactly what happened to the first guy who tried to drive it.
It's too fast.
Still, the top brass want the X-25 fully checked out.
So I need a guinea pi I mean, test driver of the nonhuman variety.
[grunting] Question.
Does this so-called "test driver" need to know how to "drive.
" Yes, B.
, and you do not know how to drive.
- I'm out.
- General, I was hots for this job.
Make us proud, fish man.
General Monger, I must object.
The car is alien technology.
Precisely, I am the logical choice for this task.
You? [laughs] Your tiny feet wouldn't even reach the pedals.
Hey! I created it.
For this job, I nominate I will drive to honor and glory.
Sta'abi, ah, ah, ah, ah How long was she up there? - Two days.
- She likes to make an entrance.
I already made my road trip mix, so Ping! [electricity crackling] Missy, you just opened up a can of carbonated Link.
Ah, good.
We make the combat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You both want to drive the X-25? Take it to the rampage room.
Winner drives.
Loser cries.
You will be put through a series of tests that will push you to the edge mentally and physically.
Whoever proves they've got the right stuff, pilots the car.
- You will eat failure.
- Not while these gills suck air.
[laughs] Woot! As a fellow contestant, I, too, wish to engage in trash talk.
I will win more points than either of you by a statistically significant amount.
Hey! I created it! Wait! Oh, the youth and their sense of entitlement, right? [chuckles] X-25 candidates, the stress test begins now! [grunts] Begins when again? Let me know when you're ready to start.
I thought we were to be having contest, not the baby pampering.
[electronic beeping] [machine whirring] [grunting and whimpering] It's like fire moon of Scorcherin.
- Me like! - Come on, General.
[grunts] Tell me you've got more than this.
Please, I was frozen in a block of ice for 20,000 years.
This is nothing.
I -I, too, am mocking this test.
You want more? Fine, hotshots.
Show me agility! [both panting] Stamina! Endurance! - Concentration.
- Hmm Sense of whimsy.
What are we being again? Magic pixies.
I think.
- Looks like we got us a tie.
- Not for long.
The next event is swimming.
Game, set, match! Link will crush her.
[knuckles crack] You're okay on land, but agua es mi casa.
It means I live in the water or, technically, that my house is water.
Anyway, you're going down! I hope you swim the water better than you trash the talk.
Ready, set [whistle blows] [grunting] Huh, how braggy he was, I thought Link would be less drown-y.
He usually is.
He's a natural.
[Link grunting] Ugh, this is pathetic suspiciously pathetic.
Ah! Quite a contest, eh? Both: Go, Link! Go, Link! [grunting] Ah, thought for certain the swamp monkey would do better.
Go, Sta'abi.
Swim! Swim! Swim! Go, Link! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! - No! - Don't have a stroke! - Miss Link is crushed.
- Alien power, huzzah! Sta'abi wins.
Somebody fish Link out of the drink.
How? I just I don't I'm a fish man.
I swim like a fish man.
So Sta'abi gets to drive the world's fastest car.
So what? [whimpering] Okay, okay.
Forget I said that.
Look, it was a fluke.
You know what you need to do? Get back on that horse and swim.
Horse and swim? You're sure you want to go with that? It's a sea horse, all right? Point is, Link needs to get back in the water.
Go, Link! - He's doing it! - He's sinking, B.
Which, if you think about it, is just swimming down.
Hey, way to go, pal.
Nobody sinks like you.
Swimming any other direction would be better.
Don't listen to the doubters.
You keep right on sinking.
He's down as far as he can go, B.
You did it, buddy! You hit rock bottom.
Yay, Link! [whimpers] The X-25 is one pricey piece of hardware.
Last thing we want is to end up parking it in the side of a mountain.
So just light her up, cruise at top speed for a couple of seconds, and then shut her down.
- Don't get fancy out there.
- I never get fancy.
- Why do I have to be here? - It's called being a good sport.
Don't want to be a good sport.
Sta'abi might wipe out and crash the X-25, explosions, balls of flame.
You wouldn't want to miss that.
Really? You think that might happen? Oh, there's a chance it will.
I like those odds.
I think these things are broken.
Much better.
Booster boots, activate.
I believe I am now sized appropriately for the task.
General, might I make one suggestion? No, but I got a feeling that ain't gonna stop you.
I am merely demonstrating the best candidate for this job is me.
[engine whirring] After all, I created [screams] [screams] Aliens! Hey, guys, do you know Sta'abi looks just like Sqweep? What? Sqweep's in that car? No, Sta'abi looks just like Sqweep.
Aren't you listening? Sqweep, you're not authorized for this mission! Power down A.
P! [stammering] Sorry, General.
I seem to have made an unfortunate miscalculation.
I cannot stop it.
Monsters are on it, General.
This is an alien situation, and aliens will handle it.
Latching onto the vehicle with my telekinetic powers, I simply will [screams] Ooh! Stop! Stop! I order you to Ungh! [grumbling] [trembling] Sqweep's coming back! [screams] I got this! Oh, man! Got the wrong alien.
I thank you regardless.
[groans] For honor and glory.
Sta'abi, ah, ah Ungh! Agh! Given the fixed speed of the X-25, I could calculate an intersection point.
- The slingshot express.
- Seriously? A kid's life is on the line.
Slingshot me! Agh! Now! [gasps] Link! Hey, kid.
What's up? Whoo! If you're attempting a rescue, please hurry! Right.
I believe the Earth expression is Agh! Both: Agh! [screaming] Ah, fish sticks.
Your failed attempt to save me is appreciated.
Fail Ungh.
[groans] Not while these gills suck air.
[electricity crackling] [explosion] - I created it.
- I feel your pain.
Good-bye, you big, beautiful dream machine.
My dream.
Explain yourself, little Sqweep.
- X-25 was for me to drive.
- Exactly.
What was the point of me cheating for Sta'abi if you were just going to take the car anyway? - Answer me that, child! - Say that again? - Cheated? - Um, well, yes, just a little bit to assure your victory.
Sort of a victory assist, if you will.
This is an insult to my ancestors and my descendants.
I must avenge their past and future honor.
Agh! Awesome.
Now fleeing for life! Well said.
1x25 - The Beast from 20.
000 Gallons Welcome to the end of the world.
I see.
Will it be catered? Mr.
President, we're looking at a global disaster.
There is a Wisconsin-sized meteor on a collision course with Earth.
This is armageddon! And armageddin' hungry over here.
What's it take to scare up a deli tray? - Mr.
President - General.
I'm not worried about the planet, not with your crack team on the job.
Your confidence is well placed, sir.
Oh, I didn't mean you Monsters.
Inferior life-forms, I grace you with my presence.
[grunts] So top secret, high level basically means anybody can just stroll in whenever they please.
I have been studying the approaching meteor for months.
This hurtling hunk of doom, which I have nicknamed Big Ned, will be most difficult to destroy.
For a pathetic Earthling, perhaps.
For an alien Pbbt.
Child's play.
So you got the little cute one rolling on this.
Yes, Sqweep is a busy bee modifying one of your missiles to blast Ned into space dust.
You don't know Ned like I know Ned.
He is a super-dense amalgamation of minerals.
If the rocket does not hit at the precise spot, kiss your thorax good-bye.
Did I hear someone express a craving for deli? [chomps] Go, aliens! I win again.
You, sir, forget we Monsters have defeated aliens in the past.
Must have been beginner's luck.
[grumbles] [grunts] I feel your pain, Doc.
But what are you gonna do? They're aliens.
It's a space thing.
Not the point, Link.
C was on the case.
He named the meteor, for crying out loud.
Which is kind of weird.
Think that was the deal breaker? It sounds like things got pretty tense in there.
Now, tell me again about the sandwich.
The sandwich was the least important part of the story, B.
Not if you skipped lunch, which I did skip lunch.
- It's 10:00 A.
, B.
- I have low blood sugar.
- You don't have blood.
- Well, I told you it was low.
uh-oh, uh-oh Excuse me, guys.
# oh, yeah # [grunting] Oh, man.
Anybody seen my phone? uh-oh, uh-oh - I thought it was a candy bar.
- A candy bar with a ringtone? I thought it was a really cool candy bar.
[low rumbling] [dramatic instrumental music] [grunts] And what do you think you are doing? I have completed my modifications.
It is now time to analyze the meteor's flight path and plot the rocket's trajectory.
Ah, buh, buh, buh.
The President put team alien in charge of the launch.
And I am in charge of Team Alien.
So So this is one of your unpleasant bossy moments.
Smart child.
[eerie music] Must have been beginner's luck.
[scoffs] Coverton will rue the day he mocked Monsters.
- Whatcha up to, doc? - Working.
Doctor, your whatever this is.
Ionic disrupter, and do be careful.
[screams] [glass shattering] - I work alone, B.
- Gotcha.
[laughs diabolically] [eerie organ music] [laughs] - I laugh alone as well, B.
- [muffled] Okay.
Ooh, brain wave.
Who's up for a rousing game of hide-and-seek? - Ooh, can I seek? - I was thinking you might hide.
- Can I hide? - Splendid idea, B.
Off you go.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes.
[laughs diabolically] [eerie organ music] [panting] Need to find the most awesomest hiding place ever.
Hmm? [laughs] Oh, yeah! [laughs] There it is.
[laughs] While I oversee the launch with the President, I command you three agh! Choose new words.
I, uh.
request [grunts] - humbly.
- Better.
Look, I simply cannot have those Monsters ruining this.
Wherever they go, catastrophe follows.
Keep them out.
[growls] Attention, area-fifty-something, Coverton here.
There is no need to panic regarding the rapidly approaching meteor.
We aliens have got your back.
They gave him the mic? They never gave me the mic.
And while I have the mic, I would like to point out that Monsters drool, Aliens rule.
[laughs] Coverton out.
[microphone feedback] Drool not, fellow Monsters.
I have done it.
Ordered a pizza? We will have sweet, sweet revenge against Coverton for his cruelty.
Unless he really hates pizza, this does not seem like much payback.
Ah! [air sputtering] Yeah.
- A whoopee cushion? - No, no.
That's too crude.
It's a whoopee cushion with stealth mode.
[air sputtering] Next-generation pranking.
Killer! Classy, guys.
But I don't think pranks exactly advance the cause of getting on the President's good side.
We don't get blamed if we don't get caught.
Indeed, and with B.
preoccupied, the odds of inadvertent disaster are greatly reduced.
And in this case, preoccupied means? B.
and I are playing a friendly game of hide-and-seek.
- Except you're not seeking.
- Oh, so "preoccupied" means B.
Could be anywhere right now.
Completely unsupervised.
Yeah, that usually guarantees disaster.
Maybe B.
picked a completely harmless place to hide.
Whoa! Kind of a rough ride.
[laughs] [growls] Vornicarn, down! It is fuel tank, not intruder.
Even if we split up, I would have to put odds of finding B.
Somewhere between hopeless and utterly hopeless.
Don't sugarcoat it or anything.
Hey, I lose stuff all the time.
Last week, lost my phone.
Dialed it, hamper rang, phone found.
That would not work since B.
swallowed your phone.
swallowed my phone! uh-oh, uh-oh - Yello, Susan's phone.
- B.
, it's Susan.
Not likely.
If you were Susan, you would be calling me on Susan's phone, which you are not since I'm holding Susan's phone.
Okay, look.
You're using Susan's phone, but you're not Susan, right? Yeah.
Where are you going with this? Well, I'm not using Susan's phone, but I am Susan.
Susan! How you been? Yes! I've located the cell phone.
Uh, got to call you back, Susan.
I'm being pumped into something.
What is B.
doing on the launchpad? - Being pumped into? - The rocket! Fueling sequence engaged.
[laughing] Would you care to do the honors, Mr.
President? You bet.
We are go for launch.
Clear the launchpad.
All: Ungh! What the? Coverton has given strict orders: This is a no-monster zone.
As promised, another flawless Team Alien operation.
[beep] Launch in T-minus 30 seconds.
is doomed! No, he's not doomed as long as he has friends like us.
- And? - How about a swim? Launch in T-minus 20 seconds.
[rapid beeping] [exciting music] Hey, Sta'abi.
[gasps] Who's an alien-killing machine? Is it you? Is it you? Are you an alien-killing machine? [growls] Have at it, Vornicarn.
- Hello.
- Greetings, bug head.
You wish to challenge Sta'abi? If only, my dear.
Sadly, you are about to leave in a rush.
Bye! - Well done.
- No problem.
Just get B.
Of course.
I'm in! [screams] I'm out! Ignition.
Whoa! We have liftoff.
[grunts] [grunting] Aw, you found me.
Agh! [quirky electronic music] Sweet tooth.
This rocket's trajectory is all wrong.
It's time for the Monsters to save the planet.
Won't take but a moment.
He did what? That cockroach put in his own coordinates.
Which means what exactly? That rocket does not blast that meteor out of the sky, we are doomed! I see.
[high-pitched screaming] Shall we? [triumphant music] [growling] [screaming] Ow.
[growling] [boom[ Susan! Nice landing.
All part of the, uh, plan.
I'd like to be briefed on this plan.
Isn't it obvious? Sabotage.
Actually, it appears the Monsters have averted Earth's destruction.
[explosions] - Cheerio, Big Ned.
- Monsters for the win! What? Coverton's unique blend of arrogance and incompetence prevented him from seeing his mistake.
[gasps] Hah, burn! [sighs] Permission to jiggle while yelling yay? Permission granted.
Yay! [giggles] But, General, you can't Ow! Why don't you take a seat, dude? Allow us lucky beginners to help.
I am not through here.
I will be heard.
[air sputtering]