Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e11 Episode Script
The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom
( car horns beeping ) IT'S AH! MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
( music ends with whoosh ) ( audience laughter ) HAVE YOU FINISHED|IN THERE YET? ( overture to Tchaikovsky|Piano Concerto playing ) ( laughter ) Man:|"DEAR SIR, I OBJECT STRONGLY "TO THE OBVIOUS LAVATORIAL TURN|THIS SHOW HAS ALREADY TAKEN.
"WHY DO WE NEVER HEAR ABOUT|THE GOOD THINGS IN BRITAIN "LIKE MARY BIGNALL'S|WONDERFUL JUMP IN 1964? YOURS ETC.
, KEN VOYEUR.
" ( crowd cheering ) Man:|"DEAR SIR, I OBJECT STRONGLY "TO THE OBVIOUS ATHLETIC TURN|THIS SHOW HAS NOW TAKEN.
"WHY CAN'T WE HEAR MORE|ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY? "THERE IS NOTHING EMBARRASSING|OR NASTY ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY EXCEPT FOR THE INTESTINES|AND BITS OF THE BOTTOM.
" Man:|"DEAR SIR, I OBJECT STRONGLY|TO THE LETTERS ON YOUR PROGRAM.
"THEY ARE CLEARLY NOT WRITTEN|BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC "AND ARE MERELY INCLUDED|FOR A CHEAP LAUGH.
YOURS ETC.
, WILLIAM KNICKERS.
" ( orchestra playing final note ) ( toilet flushing ) PubLic:|THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY REVOLTING.
NASTY.
|DISGUSTING.
|RUBBISH.
( bang ) I, TOO, TAKE STRONG EXCEPTION TO THIS RESURGENCE|OF CHEAP JOKES ABOUT POO-POOS.
MR.
VOYEUR'S LETTER STATED|VERY OH UM EXCUSE ME.
( toilet flushing ) AS I WAS SAYING, THE LETTER|PREVIOUSLY READ MADE QUITE CLEAR THE VIEW OF A GREAT MAJORITY ( majesticprocessional|playing ) CONSUMPTION, BUBONIC PLAGUE AH, THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
NOW, I'M NOT I'M ( applause ) NOW, I'M NOT PREPARED|TO GO ON WITH THIS UNLESS THESE INTERRUPTIONS|CEASE-- ALL RIGHT? RIGHT.
THE DEVASTATING EFFECT OF THESE ( clock ticking ) ( car horn honking ) ( clock ticking ) ( engine roaring ) ( clock ticking ) ( tires squealing ) ( loud crashing ) ( glasses clinking ) NO, DON'T FOLLOW ME,|AND DON'T ZOOM IN ON ME.
NO, I'M OFF, I'M OFF.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL.
I'M OFF.
ARE YOU NERVY, IRRITABLE,|DEPRESSED, TIRED OF LIFE? KEEP IT UP.
( laughter ) THIS HOUSE|IS SURROUNDED.
I'M AFRAID I MUST|NOT ASK ANYONE TO LEAVE THE ROOM.
NO, I MUST ASK NOBODY NO, I MUST ASK EVERYBODY TO I MUST|NOT ASK ANYONE TO LEAVE NO ONE MUST BE ASKED|BY ME TO LEAVE ROOM NO, NO ONE MUST ASK|THE ROOM TO LEAVE I.
I ASK THE ROOM, SHALL|MY SOMEONE BE LEFT? NOT ASK|NOBODY THE ROOM SOMEBODY LEAVE SHALL I? SHALL I LEAVE THE ROOM? EVERYONE MUST LEAVE|THE ROOM AS IT IS WITH THEM IN IT.
UNDERSTAND? YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY|TO LEAVE THE ROOM.
( laughter ) NOW, ALDUCE ME|TO INTROLOW MYSELF.
I'M SORRY ALSELF ME|TO MYDUCE INTROLOW INTROME TO-LOSE MYLOW.
ALME TO YOU INTROSELF MY EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M AFRAID I MUST ASK|THAT NO ONE LEAVE THE ROOM.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF:|I'M INSPECTOR TIGER.
ALL:|TIGER? WHERE, WHERE?! ( chuckling ) ME TIGER YOU JANE.
( growling|lewdly ) BEG YOUR PARDON.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M AFRAID I MUST ASK|THAT NO ONE LEAVE THE ROOM.
WHY NOT? ELEMENTARY.
SINCE THE BODY WAS|FOUND IN THIS ROOM AND NO ONE HAS LEFT IT THEREFORE THE MURDERER|MUST BE SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM.
WHAT BODY?! SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM MUST|THE MURDERER BE.
THE MURDERER|OF THE BODY IS SOMEBODY|IN THIS ROOM WHICH NOBODY|MUST LEAVE.
LEAVE THE BODY IN THE ROOM|NOT TO BE LEFT BY ANYBODY.
NOBODY LEAVES ANYBODY|OR THE BODY WITH SOMEBODY.
ANYBODY WHO IS ANYBODY SHALL|LEAVE THE BODY IN THE ROOM-BODY.
TAKE THE TABLETS, TIGER.
ANYBODY WITH A BODY BUT|NOT THE BODY IS NOBODY.
NOBODY LEAVES THE BODY IN THE ( gulps ) ALBODY ME INTROBODY AL ( sawing ) NOW FOR SIR GERALD.
THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, I'M INSPECTOR TIGER AND I MUST ASK THAT|NOBODY LEAVE THE ROOM.
NOW, SOMEONE HAS|COMMITTED A MURDER HERE AND THAT MURDERER IS|SOMEONE IN THIS ROOM.
THE QUESTION IS WHO? LOOK, THERE HASN'T|BEEN A MURDER.
NO MURDER? ALL:|NO.
OH.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
IT'S TOO SIMPLE TOO CLEAR-CUT.
I'D BETTER WAIT.
NO, TOO SIMPLE,|TOO CLEAR-CUT.
( man screaming ) ( gunshot ) BY JOVE HE WAS RIGHT! THIS HOUSE IS SURROUNDED.
I MUST ASK THAT NO ONE|LEAVE THE ROOM.
I'M CHIEF|SUPERINTENDENT|LOOKOUT.
LOOKOUT? WHAT? WHERE? ( laughter ) OH, ME LOOKOUT.
LOOKOUT OF THE YARD.
WHY? WHAT WOULD WE SEE? SORRY? WELL, WHAT WILL WE SEE|IF WE LOOK OUT OF THE YARD? ( laughter ) I'M AFRAID I DON'T|FOLLOW THAT AT ALL.
AHA! THE BODY.
SO, THE MURDERER MUST BE|SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM UNLESS HE HAD|VERY LONG ARMS SAY 30 OR|40 FEET.
I THINK WE|CAN DISCOUNT|THAT ONE.
( laughing ) ( laughing|uproariously ) "LOOK OUT OF THE YARD"! VERY GOOD.
RIGHT NOW WE'LL|RECONSTRUCT THE CRIME.
I'LL SIT DOWN|HERE.
CONSTABLE,|YOU TURN OFF|THE LIGHTS.
GOOD.
NOW, THEN THERE WAS|A SCREAM ( man screaming ) THEN JUST BEFORE THE LIGHTS|WENT UP, THERE WAS A SHOT.
( gunshot ) ( laughter ) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THE HOUSE IS SURROUNDED AND NOBODY|LEAVE THE ROOM AND ALL|THE REST OF IT.
ALLOW ME TO|INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M ASSISTANT|CHIEF CONSTABLE|THERESAMANBEHINDYER.
ALL:|THERESAMANBEHINDYER? OH, YOU'RE NOT|GOING TO CATCH ME WITH AN OLD|ONE LIKE THAT.
RIGHT LET'S|RECONSTRUCT THE CRIME.
CONSTABLE, YOU BE|INSPECTOR TIGER.
RIGHT, SIR.
NOBODY LEAVE|THE ROOM I SHALL.
SOMEBODY I LEAVE NOBODY|IN THE ROOM-BODY SHALL TAKE THE TABLETS,|TIGER BUDDY.
ALSELF ME ( applause ) VERY GOOD JUST|SIT DOWN THERE.
VERY GOOD, THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
NOW, WE'LL PRETEND THE LIGHTS|HAVE GONE OUT.
CONSTABLE,|YOU SCREAM.
( screaming ) SOMEBODY SHOOTS YOU.
( gunshot ) AND THE DOOR OPENS.
NOBODY MOVE.
I AM CHIEF CONSTABLE FIRE.
ALL:|FIRE? WHERE, WHERE? WE'RE INTERRUPTING THIS SKETCH BUT WE'LL BE BRINGING YOU BACK THE MOMENT ANYTHING|INTERESTING HAPPENS.
MEANWHILE, HERE ARE|SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.
( brass instruments and drums|playing funeral march ) ( thud ) ( drums picking up tempo ) ( trumpet plays upbeat notes ) ( jazz playing ) Man:|"DEAR SIR.
"I'M SORRY THIS LETTER IS LATE.
"IT SHOULD HAVE COME AT|THE BEGINNING OF THE PROGRAM.
YOURS, IVOR BIGBOTTIE,|AGE TWO.
" FROM THE PLASTIC ARTS,|WE TURN TO FOOTBALL.
LAST NIGHT IN|THE STADIUM OF LIGHT, JARROW WE WITNESSED THE RESUSCITATION|OF A GREAT FOOTBALLING TRADITION WHEN JARROW UNITED CAME OF AGE,|IN A EUROPEAN SENSE WITH AN ALMOST PROUSTIAN DISPLAY OF MODERN|EXISTENTIALIST FOOTBALL VIRTUALLY ANNIHILATING|BY MIDFIELD MORAL ARGUMENT THE NOW SURELY OBSOLESCENT|CATENNACHIO DEFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY OF SIGNOR ALBERTO FANFRINO.
BOLOGNA INDEED WERE A SIDE|INTELLECTUALLY OUT-ARGUED BY A JARROW TEAM|THRUSTING AND BURSTING WITH AGGRESSIVE|KANTIAN POSITIVISM AND OUTSTANDING|IN THIS FINE JARROW TEAM WAS MY MAN OF THE MATCH THE ARCH-THINKER,|FREE-SCHEMING SCARCELY-EVER-TO-BE-CURBED|MIDFIELD COGNOSCENTO JIMMY BUZZARD.
GOOD EVENING, BRIAN.
JIMMY, AT LEAST ONE AGING|FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR BREAKING FREE|OF THE LIMPID TENTACLES OF PACKED MEDITERRANEAN DEFENSE.
( laughter ) GOOD EVENING, BRIAN.
WERE YOU SURPRISED AT THE WAY THE ITALIANS|CEDED MIDFIELD DOMINANCE SO EARLY ON|IN THE GAME? ( laughter ) WELL, BRIAN ( scattered laughter ) ( more laughter ) I'M OPENING A BOUTIQUE.
THIS IS OF COURSE SYMPTOMATIC|OF A NEW BREED OF FOOTBALLER AS IT IS INDEED SYMPTOMATIC|OF YOUR WHOLE GENRE OF PLAYER IS IT NOT? ( laughter ) GOOD EVENING, BRIAN.
WHAT I'M GETTING AT, JIMMY IS YOU SEEM TO HAVE|DISCOVERED A NEW CONCEPT WITH THE MODE WITH WHICH YOU|DISSECTED THE ITALIAN DEFENSE LAST NIGHT.
I HIT THE BALL FIRST TIME AND THERE IT WAS|IN THE BACK OF THE NET.
DO YOU THINK|JARROW WILL ADOPT A MORE DEFENSIVE POSTURE FOR THE FIRST LEG OF|THE NEXT TIE IN TURKEY? I HIT THE BALL|FIRST TIME AND THERE IT WAS IN|THE BACK OF THE NET.
YES, YES, BUT|HAVE YOU ANY PLANS FOR DEALING WITH THE|FREE-SCORING TURKISH FORWARDS? WELL, BRIAN ( laughter ) I'M OPENING A BOUTIQUE.
AND NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE STATE OF PLAY|IN THE DETECTIVE SKETCH.
OURSELF ME|TO INTROLOW MY BODY.
( gunshot ) ( cheering ) ( Chopin's "Funeral March"|playing ) ( music slows to stop ) ( funeral march starts again ) ( slap ) CHEEKY.
OH, TEMPER, TEMPER.
WELL, SOME OF US|DON'T LIKE HAVING MEN CRAWLING|OVER US THE WHOLE TIME.
( growling ) YOU NEED TO TAKE ALL THE OPPORTUNITIES|YOU CAN GET, DEAR.
( squishing ) UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE|I CAN MENTION I'M QUITE HAPPILY|MARRIED, THANK YOU.
( creaking ) ( explosion ) YES, ATHENA, I'VE BEEN|TEARING UP IN THE GARDEN.
( gunshots ) ( roaring applause ) ( applause instantly stops ) HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO YET ANOTHER EDITION|OF "INTERESTING PEOPLE.
" AND MY FIRST INTERESTING|PERSON TONIGHT IS THE HIGHLY INTERESTING|MR.
HOWARD STOOLS FROM KENDAL IN WESTMORELAND.
( loud applause|starts abruptly ) ( applause suddenly turns off ) GOOD EVENING, MR.
STOOLS.
Stools ( squeakily ):|HELLO, DAVID.
MR.
STOOLS, WHAT MAKES YOU PARTICULARLY INTERESTING? Stools:|WELL, I'M ONLY|HALF AN INCH LONG.
WELL, THAT'S|EXTREMELY INTERESTING.
THANK YOU FOR COMING ALONG ON|THE SHOW TONIGHT, MR.
STOOLS.
Stools:|I THOUGHT YOU'D THINK THAT WAS|INTERESTING, DAVID, IN FACT MR.
HOWARD STOOLS FROM KENDAL IN|WESTMORELAND, HALF AN INCH LONG.
( applause starts ) ( applause suddenly stops ) OUR NEXT GUEST TONIGHT HAS|COME ALL THE WAY FROM EGYPT.
HE'S JUST FLOWN|INTO LONDON TODAY.
HE'S MR.
ALI BAYAN-- HE'S|WITH US IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT AND HE'S STARK RAVING MAD.
( vocalizing madly ) ( canned applause ) MR.
ALI BAYAN, STARK RAVING MAD.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR MUSIC SPOT AND WE TURN|THE SPOTLIGHT TONIGHT ON THE RACHEL TOOVEY|BICYCLE CHOIR ( canned applause ) WITH THEIR FANTASTIC ARRANGEMENT|OF "MEN OF HARLECH" FOR BICYCLE BELLS ONLY.
KEEP, MY BABE,|NO ILL BETIDE THEE ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT.
( bicycle bells ringing ) ( canned applause ) THE RACHEL TOOVEY BICYCLE CHOIR.
REALLY INTERESTING.
REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE INTERESTING AND WANT TO APPEAR|ON THIS PROGRAM WRITE YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS|ON YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER AND SEND IT TO THIS ADDRESS.
( canned applause ) THANK YOU, THANK YOU,|THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NOW HERE'S|AN INTERESTING PERSON.
APART FROM BEING|A FULL-TIME STAPLING MACHINE HE CAN ALSO GIVE|A CAT INFLUENZA.
( clears throat ) ( coughing ) ( cat sneezing ) ( meowing and sneezing ) ( canned applause ) YOU CAN'T GET MORE INTERESTING|THAN THAT, OR CAN YOU? WITH ME NOW WITH ME NOW IS MR.
THOMAS WALTERS|OF WEST HARTLEPOOL WHO IS TOTALLY INVISIBLE.
GOOD EVENING, MR.
WALTERS.
Walters:|OVER HERE, HUGHIE.
( laughs nervously ) ( audience laughter ) MR.
WALTERS, ARE YOU|SURE YOU'RE INVISIBLE? OH, YES, MOST CERTAINLY.
WELL, MR.
WALTERS, WHAT'S|IT LIKE BEING INVISIBLE? ( droning ):|WELL, FOR A START,|AT THE OFFICE WHERE I WORK I CAN BE SITTING|AT MY DESK ALL DAY AND THE OTHERS|TOTALLY IGNORE ME.
AT HOME, EVEN THOUGH|WE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM MY WIFE DOES NOT|SPEAK TO ME FOR HOURS.
PEOPLE PASS ME BY IN THE STREET|WITHOUT A GLANCE IN MY DIRECTION AND I CAN WALK INTO A ROOM|WITHOUT WELL, WHILST WE'VE GOT|INTERESTING PEOPLE WE MET MR.
OLIVER|CAVENDISH WHO EVEN NOW YOU YOURSELF|DO HARDLY NOTICE ME MR.
OLIVER CAVENDISH|OF LEICESTER WHO CLAIMS TO BE ABLE TO RECITE|THE ENTIRE BIBLE IN ONE SECOND WHILST BEING STRUCK|ON THE HEAD WITH A LARGE AX.
HA, HA, WOW! WE'VE SINCE DISCOVERED|THAT HE WAS A FRAUD.
HE DID NOT YES, A FRAUD.
HE DID NOT IN FACT RECITE|THE ENTIRE BIBLE.
HE MERELY RECITED|THE FIRST TWO WORDS, "IN THE" BEFORE HIS DEATH.
( canned applause ) Compére:|AND NOW IT'S TIME|FOR "INTERESTING SPORT" AND THIS WEEK|IT'S ALL-IN CRICKET LIVE FROM THE|MUNICIPAL BATHS, CROYDON.
( spectators cheering ) ( canned applause ) ALL-IN CRICKET, GREAT, GREAT! WITH ME NOW IS MR.
KEN DOVE TWICE VOTED MOST|INTERESTING MAN IN DORKING.
KEN, I BELIEVE YOU'RE|INTERESTED IN SHOUTING.
( shouting ):|YES, I'M INTERESTED|IN SHOUTING, ALL RIGHT.
BY JOVE, YOU CERTAINLY|HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH THAT PARTICULAR|OBSERVATION OF YOURS THEN.
WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE|THINK OF THIS? Woman ( shouting ):|I AGREE WITH HIM! SHUT UP! ( droning ):|AT PARTIES, FOR INSTANCE PEOPLE NEVER COME UP TO ME.
I JUST SIT THERE AND|EVERYBODY TOTALLY NOW, THAT IS TIDDLES, I BELIEVE.
UM, YES, THIS IS|THIS IS TIDDLES.
YEAH, AND WHAT DOES SHE DO? SHE FLIES ACROSS THE STUDIO|AND LANDS IN A BUCKET OF WATER.
BY HERSELF? UH, NO, I FLING HER.
WELL, THAT'S|EXTREMELY INTERESTING.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,|MR.
DON SAVAGE AND TIDDLES.
( Tiddles yowls ) ( hits bucket, water splats ) ( shouting ):|I'M MORE INTERESTING|THAN A WET PUSSYCAT.
Walters ( droning ):|FOR HOUR AFTER|HOUR AFTER HOUR YES, GREAT.
WELL, NOW FOR|THE FIRST TIME ON TELEVISION "INTERESTING PEOPLE" BRINGS YOU A MAN WHO CLAIMS HE CAN SEND|BRICKS TO SLEEP BY HYPNOSIS.
MR.
KEITH MANIAC|FROM GUATEMALA.
GOOD EVENING.
KEITH, YOU CLAIM YOU|CAN SEND BRICKS TO SLEEP.
YES, THAT IS|CORRECT, I CAN.
ENTIRELY BY HYPNOSIS.
YES, I USE NO ARTIFICIAL|MEANS WHATSOEVER.
( Stools screaming ) OH, OH, OH! ( shouting ):|YOU'VE INJURED|MR.
STOOLS! WELL, I SIMPLY STARE AT THE BRICK,|AND IT GOES TO SLEEP.
WELL, WE HAVE|A BRICK HERE.
KEITH, PERHAPS YOU COULD|SEND IT TO SLEEP FOR US.
OH, UH WELL, I'M AFRAID|THAT IS ALREADY ASLEEP.
( audience chuckles ) HA! HOW DO YOU KNOW? ( laughter ) WELL, IT'S NOT MOVING.
OH, I SEE.
HAVE WE GOT|A MOVING BRICK? YES, WE'VE GOT A MOVING BRICK, KEITH.
IT'S COMING OVER NOW.
THERE WE ARE,|FAST ASLEEP.
VERY GOOD,|VERY GOOD INDEED.
YES, IT'S ALL DONE WITH THE EYES.
YES, MR.
KEITH MANIAC|FROM GUATEMALA.
( shouting ):|MR.
STOOLS! SPEAK TO ME, HOWARD! ( spectators cheering ) AND NOW FOUR TIRED UNDERTAKERS.
( Chopin's "Funeral March"|playing ) ( laughter ) ( men groaning ) ( audience chuckling ) ( man grunting ) ( stomping ) ( audience laughing ) ( panting ) ( laughter ) Man:|WE'RE INTERRUPTING THIS TO TAKE YOU BACK VERY QUICKLY|TO THE JIMMY BUZZARD INTERVIEW WHERE WE UNDERSTAND SOMETHING|EXCITING'S JUST HAPPENED.
I'VE FALLEN OFF|MY CHAIR, BRIAN.
( drumbeat with each|movement of coffin ) ( drum roll ) ( laughter ) ( laughter continues ) ( dog barking ) ( laughter ) ( drumbeat continues ) ( drum roll ) ( man and woman giggling ) Man ( whispering ):|SHH! I THINK MY WIFE'S|BEGINNING TO SUSPECT.
Man:|YOU, SHUT UP|UP THERE! Man:|WHAT DO YOU MEAN,|"SHUT UP UP THERE"? YOU SHUT UP.
OH, SHUT UP! ( all shouting at once ) ( pounding ) I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.
I THINK YOU'LL FIND THIS|A BIT MORE INTERESTING.
( laughter ) ( bawdy musicplaying ) ( with man's voice ):|GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I WANT TO EXAMINE THE WHOLE QUESTION OF 18th-|CENTURY SOCIAL LEGISLATION ITS RELEVANCE TO THE HIERARCHICAL STRUCTURE|OF POST-RENAISSANCE SOCIETY AND ITS IMPACT ON THE FUTURE|OF PAROCHIAL ORGANIZATION IN AN EXPANDING|AGRARIAN ECONOMY.
( audience chuckles ) BUT FIRST, A BIT OF FUN.
( fast-paced drum riff ) TO PUT ENGLAND'S|SOCIAL LEGISLATION IN A EUROPEAN CONTEXT IS PROFESSOR GERT VAN DER WHOOPS OF THE RIJKSMUSEUM|IN THE HAGUE.
IN HOLLAND IN THE EARLY|PART OF THE 15th CENTURY THERE WAS THREE THINGS IMPORTANT|TO SOCIAL LEGISLATION.
ONE, RISE OF MERCHANT CLASSES TWO, URBANIZATION|OF CRAFT GUILDS THREE, DECLINING MORAL VALUES IN AGE OF INCREASING|SOCIAL BETTERMENT.
BUT FIRST, A BIT OF FUN.
Choir:| DING, DONG, MERRILY ON HIGH IN HEAV'N|THE BELLS ARE RINGING.
( clearing throat ) OH! ( clears throat ) AND NOW PROFESSOR R.
J.
CANNING.
Choir:| GLO-O-OR THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT.
AND NOW THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR.
TONIGHT WE EXAMINE POPULAR VIEWS|OF THIS GREAT BATTLE.
WAS THE BATTLE|OF TRAFALGAR FOUGHT IN THE ATLANTIC|OFF SOUTHERN SPAIN OR WAS IT FOUGHT ON DRY LAND|NEAR CUDWORTH IN YORKSHIRE? HERE IS ONE MAN|WHO THINKS IT WAS AND HERE IS HIS FRIEND.
( laughter ) Canning:|WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR|WAS FOUGHT NEAR CUDWORTH? BECAUSE DRAKE WAS TOO CLEVER|FOR THE GERMAN FLEET.
( laughter ) Canning:|I BEG YOUR PARDON? I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT I SAID NOW.
( audience laughs ) Canning:|MR.
GUMBY'S REMARKABLE VIEWS|HAVE SPARKED OFF A WAVE OF CONTROVERSY|AMONGST HIS FELLOW HISTORIANS.
WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD, UH REAPPRAISE OUR CONCEPT|OF THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR.
( shouting ):|WELL, WELL, I AGREE WITH|EVERYTHING MR.
GUMBY SAYS.
WELL, UH, I THINK, UH,|CEMENT IS MORE INTERESTING UH, THAN PEOPLE THINK.
ONE SUBJECT--|FOUR DIFFERENT VIEWS.
THE STUFF OF HISTORY|IS INDEED WOVEN IN THE WOOF.
PEARL HARBOR.
THERE ARE PAGES|IN HISTORY'S BOOK WHICH ARE WRITTEN|ON THE GRAND SCALE-- EVENTS SO MOMENTOUS THAT|THEY DWARF MAN AND TIME ALIKE.
AND SUCH IS THE BATTLE|OF PEARL HARBOR REENACTED FOR US NOW BY THE WOMEN OF THE BATLEY|TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD.
Canning:|MRS.
RITA FAIRBANKS,|YOU ORGANIZED THIS RECONSTRUCTION OF|THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR.
WHY? UH, WELL, ALWAYS BEEN EXTREMELY|INTERESTED IN MODERN DRAMA.
WE WERE, OF COURSE, THE FIRST|TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD TO PERFORM "CAMP ON BLOOD ISLAND,"|AND LAST YEAR, OF COURSE WE DID OUR EXTREMELY|POPULAR REENACTMENT OF "NAZI WAR ATROCITIES.
" AND SO, THIS YEAR WE THOUGHT WE'D LIKE TO DO|SOMETHING IN A LIGHTER VEIN.
SO YOU CHOSE|THE BATTLE OF|PEARL HARBOR? YES, THAT'S RIGHT, WE DID.
WELL, I CAN SEE|YOU'RE ALL|READY TO GO SO I'LL JUST WISH|YOU GOOD LUCK IN YOUR|LATEST VENTURE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOUNG MAN.
LADIES AND|GENTLEMEN "THE WORLD OF HISTORY"|IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE PREMIERE|OF THE BATLEY|TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD REENACTMENT OF "THE|BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR.
" ( whistle toots ) ( yelling and screaming ) ( pig grunting in distance ) THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR.
INCIDENTALLY, I'M SORRY|IF I GOT A LITTLE BIT SHIRTY EARLIER ON IN THE PROGRAM,|WHEN I KEPT GETTING INTERRUPTED BY ALL THESE FILMS AND THINGS|THAT KEPT COMING IN, BUT I "WE SHALL" ( laughter ) ( gunshots ) "HERETOFORE SHALL THIS SOUL|BE RECEIVED UNTO" ( "Funeral March"playing ) ( zippy tune playing ) AND SO I SAID|IF IT HAPPENED AGAIN I'D GET VERY ANGRY|AND TALK TO LORD HILL, AND ( humming ) Canning:|TELL LORD HILL.
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing, applause ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
WHOA! [Captioned by|The Caption Center|WGBH EducationaL Foundation.]
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
( music ends with whoosh ) ( audience laughter ) HAVE YOU FINISHED|IN THERE YET? ( overture to Tchaikovsky|Piano Concerto playing ) ( laughter ) Man:|"DEAR SIR, I OBJECT STRONGLY "TO THE OBVIOUS LAVATORIAL TURN|THIS SHOW HAS ALREADY TAKEN.
"WHY DO WE NEVER HEAR ABOUT|THE GOOD THINGS IN BRITAIN "LIKE MARY BIGNALL'S|WONDERFUL JUMP IN 1964? YOURS ETC.
, KEN VOYEUR.
" ( crowd cheering ) Man:|"DEAR SIR, I OBJECT STRONGLY "TO THE OBVIOUS ATHLETIC TURN|THIS SHOW HAS NOW TAKEN.
"WHY CAN'T WE HEAR MORE|ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY? "THERE IS NOTHING EMBARRASSING|OR NASTY ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY EXCEPT FOR THE INTESTINES|AND BITS OF THE BOTTOM.
" Man:|"DEAR SIR, I OBJECT STRONGLY|TO THE LETTERS ON YOUR PROGRAM.
"THEY ARE CLEARLY NOT WRITTEN|BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC "AND ARE MERELY INCLUDED|FOR A CHEAP LAUGH.
YOURS ETC.
, WILLIAM KNICKERS.
" ( orchestra playing final note ) ( toilet flushing ) PubLic:|THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY REVOLTING.
NASTY.
|DISGUSTING.
|RUBBISH.
( bang ) I, TOO, TAKE STRONG EXCEPTION TO THIS RESURGENCE|OF CHEAP JOKES ABOUT POO-POOS.
MR.
VOYEUR'S LETTER STATED|VERY OH UM EXCUSE ME.
( toilet flushing ) AS I WAS SAYING, THE LETTER|PREVIOUSLY READ MADE QUITE CLEAR THE VIEW OF A GREAT MAJORITY ( majesticprocessional|playing ) CONSUMPTION, BUBONIC PLAGUE AH, THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
NOW, I'M NOT I'M ( applause ) NOW, I'M NOT PREPARED|TO GO ON WITH THIS UNLESS THESE INTERRUPTIONS|CEASE-- ALL RIGHT? RIGHT.
THE DEVASTATING EFFECT OF THESE ( clock ticking ) ( car horn honking ) ( clock ticking ) ( engine roaring ) ( clock ticking ) ( tires squealing ) ( loud crashing ) ( glasses clinking ) NO, DON'T FOLLOW ME,|AND DON'T ZOOM IN ON ME.
NO, I'M OFF, I'M OFF.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL.
I'M OFF.
ARE YOU NERVY, IRRITABLE,|DEPRESSED, TIRED OF LIFE? KEEP IT UP.
( laughter ) THIS HOUSE|IS SURROUNDED.
I'M AFRAID I MUST|NOT ASK ANYONE TO LEAVE THE ROOM.
NO, I MUST ASK NOBODY NO, I MUST ASK EVERYBODY TO I MUST|NOT ASK ANYONE TO LEAVE NO ONE MUST BE ASKED|BY ME TO LEAVE ROOM NO, NO ONE MUST ASK|THE ROOM TO LEAVE I.
I ASK THE ROOM, SHALL|MY SOMEONE BE LEFT? NOT ASK|NOBODY THE ROOM SOMEBODY LEAVE SHALL I? SHALL I LEAVE THE ROOM? EVERYONE MUST LEAVE|THE ROOM AS IT IS WITH THEM IN IT.
UNDERSTAND? YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY|TO LEAVE THE ROOM.
( laughter ) NOW, ALDUCE ME|TO INTROLOW MYSELF.
I'M SORRY ALSELF ME|TO MYDUCE INTROLOW INTROME TO-LOSE MYLOW.
ALME TO YOU INTROSELF MY EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M AFRAID I MUST ASK|THAT NO ONE LEAVE THE ROOM.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF:|I'M INSPECTOR TIGER.
ALL:|TIGER? WHERE, WHERE?! ( chuckling ) ME TIGER YOU JANE.
( growling|lewdly ) BEG YOUR PARDON.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M AFRAID I MUST ASK|THAT NO ONE LEAVE THE ROOM.
WHY NOT? ELEMENTARY.
SINCE THE BODY WAS|FOUND IN THIS ROOM AND NO ONE HAS LEFT IT THEREFORE THE MURDERER|MUST BE SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM.
WHAT BODY?! SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM MUST|THE MURDERER BE.
THE MURDERER|OF THE BODY IS SOMEBODY|IN THIS ROOM WHICH NOBODY|MUST LEAVE.
LEAVE THE BODY IN THE ROOM|NOT TO BE LEFT BY ANYBODY.
NOBODY LEAVES ANYBODY|OR THE BODY WITH SOMEBODY.
ANYBODY WHO IS ANYBODY SHALL|LEAVE THE BODY IN THE ROOM-BODY.
TAKE THE TABLETS, TIGER.
ANYBODY WITH A BODY BUT|NOT THE BODY IS NOBODY.
NOBODY LEAVES THE BODY IN THE ( gulps ) ALBODY ME INTROBODY AL ( sawing ) NOW FOR SIR GERALD.
THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, I'M INSPECTOR TIGER AND I MUST ASK THAT|NOBODY LEAVE THE ROOM.
NOW, SOMEONE HAS|COMMITTED A MURDER HERE AND THAT MURDERER IS|SOMEONE IN THIS ROOM.
THE QUESTION IS WHO? LOOK, THERE HASN'T|BEEN A MURDER.
NO MURDER? ALL:|NO.
OH.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
IT'S TOO SIMPLE TOO CLEAR-CUT.
I'D BETTER WAIT.
NO, TOO SIMPLE,|TOO CLEAR-CUT.
( man screaming ) ( gunshot ) BY JOVE HE WAS RIGHT! THIS HOUSE IS SURROUNDED.
I MUST ASK THAT NO ONE|LEAVE THE ROOM.
I'M CHIEF|SUPERINTENDENT|LOOKOUT.
LOOKOUT? WHAT? WHERE? ( laughter ) OH, ME LOOKOUT.
LOOKOUT OF THE YARD.
WHY? WHAT WOULD WE SEE? SORRY? WELL, WHAT WILL WE SEE|IF WE LOOK OUT OF THE YARD? ( laughter ) I'M AFRAID I DON'T|FOLLOW THAT AT ALL.
AHA! THE BODY.
SO, THE MURDERER MUST BE|SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM UNLESS HE HAD|VERY LONG ARMS SAY 30 OR|40 FEET.
I THINK WE|CAN DISCOUNT|THAT ONE.
( laughing ) ( laughing|uproariously ) "LOOK OUT OF THE YARD"! VERY GOOD.
RIGHT NOW WE'LL|RECONSTRUCT THE CRIME.
I'LL SIT DOWN|HERE.
CONSTABLE,|YOU TURN OFF|THE LIGHTS.
GOOD.
NOW, THEN THERE WAS|A SCREAM ( man screaming ) THEN JUST BEFORE THE LIGHTS|WENT UP, THERE WAS A SHOT.
( gunshot ) ( laughter ) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THE HOUSE IS SURROUNDED AND NOBODY|LEAVE THE ROOM AND ALL|THE REST OF IT.
ALLOW ME TO|INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M ASSISTANT|CHIEF CONSTABLE|THERESAMANBEHINDYER.
ALL:|THERESAMANBEHINDYER? OH, YOU'RE NOT|GOING TO CATCH ME WITH AN OLD|ONE LIKE THAT.
RIGHT LET'S|RECONSTRUCT THE CRIME.
CONSTABLE, YOU BE|INSPECTOR TIGER.
RIGHT, SIR.
NOBODY LEAVE|THE ROOM I SHALL.
SOMEBODY I LEAVE NOBODY|IN THE ROOM-BODY SHALL TAKE THE TABLETS,|TIGER BUDDY.
ALSELF ME ( applause ) VERY GOOD JUST|SIT DOWN THERE.
VERY GOOD, THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
NOW, WE'LL PRETEND THE LIGHTS|HAVE GONE OUT.
CONSTABLE,|YOU SCREAM.
( screaming ) SOMEBODY SHOOTS YOU.
( gunshot ) AND THE DOOR OPENS.
NOBODY MOVE.
I AM CHIEF CONSTABLE FIRE.
ALL:|FIRE? WHERE, WHERE? WE'RE INTERRUPTING THIS SKETCH BUT WE'LL BE BRINGING YOU BACK THE MOMENT ANYTHING|INTERESTING HAPPENS.
MEANWHILE, HERE ARE|SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.
( brass instruments and drums|playing funeral march ) ( thud ) ( drums picking up tempo ) ( trumpet plays upbeat notes ) ( jazz playing ) Man:|"DEAR SIR.
"I'M SORRY THIS LETTER IS LATE.
"IT SHOULD HAVE COME AT|THE BEGINNING OF THE PROGRAM.
YOURS, IVOR BIGBOTTIE,|AGE TWO.
" FROM THE PLASTIC ARTS,|WE TURN TO FOOTBALL.
LAST NIGHT IN|THE STADIUM OF LIGHT, JARROW WE WITNESSED THE RESUSCITATION|OF A GREAT FOOTBALLING TRADITION WHEN JARROW UNITED CAME OF AGE,|IN A EUROPEAN SENSE WITH AN ALMOST PROUSTIAN DISPLAY OF MODERN|EXISTENTIALIST FOOTBALL VIRTUALLY ANNIHILATING|BY MIDFIELD MORAL ARGUMENT THE NOW SURELY OBSOLESCENT|CATENNACHIO DEFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY OF SIGNOR ALBERTO FANFRINO.
BOLOGNA INDEED WERE A SIDE|INTELLECTUALLY OUT-ARGUED BY A JARROW TEAM|THRUSTING AND BURSTING WITH AGGRESSIVE|KANTIAN POSITIVISM AND OUTSTANDING|IN THIS FINE JARROW TEAM WAS MY MAN OF THE MATCH THE ARCH-THINKER,|FREE-SCHEMING SCARCELY-EVER-TO-BE-CURBED|MIDFIELD COGNOSCENTO JIMMY BUZZARD.
GOOD EVENING, BRIAN.
JIMMY, AT LEAST ONE AGING|FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR BREAKING FREE|OF THE LIMPID TENTACLES OF PACKED MEDITERRANEAN DEFENSE.
( laughter ) GOOD EVENING, BRIAN.
WERE YOU SURPRISED AT THE WAY THE ITALIANS|CEDED MIDFIELD DOMINANCE SO EARLY ON|IN THE GAME? ( laughter ) WELL, BRIAN ( scattered laughter ) ( more laughter ) I'M OPENING A BOUTIQUE.
THIS IS OF COURSE SYMPTOMATIC|OF A NEW BREED OF FOOTBALLER AS IT IS INDEED SYMPTOMATIC|OF YOUR WHOLE GENRE OF PLAYER IS IT NOT? ( laughter ) GOOD EVENING, BRIAN.
WHAT I'M GETTING AT, JIMMY IS YOU SEEM TO HAVE|DISCOVERED A NEW CONCEPT WITH THE MODE WITH WHICH YOU|DISSECTED THE ITALIAN DEFENSE LAST NIGHT.
I HIT THE BALL FIRST TIME AND THERE IT WAS|IN THE BACK OF THE NET.
DO YOU THINK|JARROW WILL ADOPT A MORE DEFENSIVE POSTURE FOR THE FIRST LEG OF|THE NEXT TIE IN TURKEY? I HIT THE BALL|FIRST TIME AND THERE IT WAS IN|THE BACK OF THE NET.
YES, YES, BUT|HAVE YOU ANY PLANS FOR DEALING WITH THE|FREE-SCORING TURKISH FORWARDS? WELL, BRIAN ( laughter ) I'M OPENING A BOUTIQUE.
AND NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE STATE OF PLAY|IN THE DETECTIVE SKETCH.
OURSELF ME|TO INTROLOW MY BODY.
( gunshot ) ( cheering ) ( Chopin's "Funeral March"|playing ) ( music slows to stop ) ( funeral march starts again ) ( slap ) CHEEKY.
OH, TEMPER, TEMPER.
WELL, SOME OF US|DON'T LIKE HAVING MEN CRAWLING|OVER US THE WHOLE TIME.
( growling ) YOU NEED TO TAKE ALL THE OPPORTUNITIES|YOU CAN GET, DEAR.
( squishing ) UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE|I CAN MENTION I'M QUITE HAPPILY|MARRIED, THANK YOU.
( creaking ) ( explosion ) YES, ATHENA, I'VE BEEN|TEARING UP IN THE GARDEN.
( gunshots ) ( roaring applause ) ( applause instantly stops ) HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO YET ANOTHER EDITION|OF "INTERESTING PEOPLE.
" AND MY FIRST INTERESTING|PERSON TONIGHT IS THE HIGHLY INTERESTING|MR.
HOWARD STOOLS FROM KENDAL IN WESTMORELAND.
( loud applause|starts abruptly ) ( applause suddenly turns off ) GOOD EVENING, MR.
STOOLS.
Stools ( squeakily ):|HELLO, DAVID.
MR.
STOOLS, WHAT MAKES YOU PARTICULARLY INTERESTING? Stools:|WELL, I'M ONLY|HALF AN INCH LONG.
WELL, THAT'S|EXTREMELY INTERESTING.
THANK YOU FOR COMING ALONG ON|THE SHOW TONIGHT, MR.
STOOLS.
Stools:|I THOUGHT YOU'D THINK THAT WAS|INTERESTING, DAVID, IN FACT MR.
HOWARD STOOLS FROM KENDAL IN|WESTMORELAND, HALF AN INCH LONG.
( applause starts ) ( applause suddenly stops ) OUR NEXT GUEST TONIGHT HAS|COME ALL THE WAY FROM EGYPT.
HE'S JUST FLOWN|INTO LONDON TODAY.
HE'S MR.
ALI BAYAN-- HE'S|WITH US IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT AND HE'S STARK RAVING MAD.
( vocalizing madly ) ( canned applause ) MR.
ALI BAYAN, STARK RAVING MAD.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR MUSIC SPOT AND WE TURN|THE SPOTLIGHT TONIGHT ON THE RACHEL TOOVEY|BICYCLE CHOIR ( canned applause ) WITH THEIR FANTASTIC ARRANGEMENT|OF "MEN OF HARLECH" FOR BICYCLE BELLS ONLY.
REALLY INTERESTING.
REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE INTERESTING AND WANT TO APPEAR|ON THIS PROGRAM WRITE YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS|ON YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER AND SEND IT TO THIS ADDRESS.
( canned applause ) THANK YOU, THANK YOU,|THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NOW HERE'S|AN INTERESTING PERSON.
APART FROM BEING|A FULL-TIME STAPLING MACHINE HE CAN ALSO GIVE|A CAT INFLUENZA.
( clears throat ) ( coughing ) ( cat sneezing ) ( meowing and sneezing ) ( canned applause ) YOU CAN'T GET MORE INTERESTING|THAN THAT, OR CAN YOU? WITH ME NOW WITH ME NOW IS MR.
THOMAS WALTERS|OF WEST HARTLEPOOL WHO IS TOTALLY INVISIBLE.
GOOD EVENING, MR.
WALTERS.
Walters:|OVER HERE, HUGHIE.
( laughs nervously ) ( audience laughter ) MR.
WALTERS, ARE YOU|SURE YOU'RE INVISIBLE? OH, YES, MOST CERTAINLY.
WELL, MR.
WALTERS, WHAT'S|IT LIKE BEING INVISIBLE? ( droning ):|WELL, FOR A START,|AT THE OFFICE WHERE I WORK I CAN BE SITTING|AT MY DESK ALL DAY AND THE OTHERS|TOTALLY IGNORE ME.
AT HOME, EVEN THOUGH|WE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM MY WIFE DOES NOT|SPEAK TO ME FOR HOURS.
PEOPLE PASS ME BY IN THE STREET|WITHOUT A GLANCE IN MY DIRECTION AND I CAN WALK INTO A ROOM|WITHOUT WELL, WHILST WE'VE GOT|INTERESTING PEOPLE WE MET MR.
OLIVER|CAVENDISH WHO EVEN NOW YOU YOURSELF|DO HARDLY NOTICE ME MR.
OLIVER CAVENDISH|OF LEICESTER WHO CLAIMS TO BE ABLE TO RECITE|THE ENTIRE BIBLE IN ONE SECOND WHILST BEING STRUCK|ON THE HEAD WITH A LARGE AX.
HA, HA, WOW! WE'VE SINCE DISCOVERED|THAT HE WAS A FRAUD.
HE DID NOT YES, A FRAUD.
HE DID NOT IN FACT RECITE|THE ENTIRE BIBLE.
HE MERELY RECITED|THE FIRST TWO WORDS, "IN THE" BEFORE HIS DEATH.
( canned applause ) Compére:|AND NOW IT'S TIME|FOR "INTERESTING SPORT" AND THIS WEEK|IT'S ALL-IN CRICKET LIVE FROM THE|MUNICIPAL BATHS, CROYDON.
( spectators cheering ) ( canned applause ) ALL-IN CRICKET, GREAT, GREAT! WITH ME NOW IS MR.
KEN DOVE TWICE VOTED MOST|INTERESTING MAN IN DORKING.
KEN, I BELIEVE YOU'RE|INTERESTED IN SHOUTING.
( shouting ):|YES, I'M INTERESTED|IN SHOUTING, ALL RIGHT.
BY JOVE, YOU CERTAINLY|HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH THAT PARTICULAR|OBSERVATION OF YOURS THEN.
WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE|THINK OF THIS? Woman ( shouting ):|I AGREE WITH HIM! SHUT UP! ( droning ):|AT PARTIES, FOR INSTANCE PEOPLE NEVER COME UP TO ME.
I JUST SIT THERE AND|EVERYBODY TOTALLY NOW, THAT IS TIDDLES, I BELIEVE.
UM, YES, THIS IS|THIS IS TIDDLES.
YEAH, AND WHAT DOES SHE DO? SHE FLIES ACROSS THE STUDIO|AND LANDS IN A BUCKET OF WATER.
BY HERSELF? UH, NO, I FLING HER.
WELL, THAT'S|EXTREMELY INTERESTING.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,|MR.
DON SAVAGE AND TIDDLES.
( Tiddles yowls ) ( hits bucket, water splats ) ( shouting ):|I'M MORE INTERESTING|THAN A WET PUSSYCAT.
Walters ( droning ):|FOR HOUR AFTER|HOUR AFTER HOUR YES, GREAT.
WELL, NOW FOR|THE FIRST TIME ON TELEVISION "INTERESTING PEOPLE" BRINGS YOU A MAN WHO CLAIMS HE CAN SEND|BRICKS TO SLEEP BY HYPNOSIS.
MR.
KEITH MANIAC|FROM GUATEMALA.
GOOD EVENING.
KEITH, YOU CLAIM YOU|CAN SEND BRICKS TO SLEEP.
YES, THAT IS|CORRECT, I CAN.
ENTIRELY BY HYPNOSIS.
YES, I USE NO ARTIFICIAL|MEANS WHATSOEVER.
( Stools screaming ) OH, OH, OH! ( shouting ):|YOU'VE INJURED|MR.
STOOLS! WELL, I SIMPLY STARE AT THE BRICK,|AND IT GOES TO SLEEP.
WELL, WE HAVE|A BRICK HERE.
KEITH, PERHAPS YOU COULD|SEND IT TO SLEEP FOR US.
OH, UH WELL, I'M AFRAID|THAT IS ALREADY ASLEEP.
( audience chuckles ) HA! HOW DO YOU KNOW? ( laughter ) WELL, IT'S NOT MOVING.
OH, I SEE.
HAVE WE GOT|A MOVING BRICK? YES, WE'VE GOT A MOVING BRICK, KEITH.
IT'S COMING OVER NOW.
THERE WE ARE,|FAST ASLEEP.
VERY GOOD,|VERY GOOD INDEED.
YES, IT'S ALL DONE WITH THE EYES.
YES, MR.
KEITH MANIAC|FROM GUATEMALA.
( shouting ):|MR.
STOOLS! SPEAK TO ME, HOWARD! ( spectators cheering ) AND NOW FOUR TIRED UNDERTAKERS.
( Chopin's "Funeral March"|playing ) ( laughter ) ( men groaning ) ( audience chuckling ) ( man grunting ) ( stomping ) ( audience laughing ) ( panting ) ( laughter ) Man:|WE'RE INTERRUPTING THIS TO TAKE YOU BACK VERY QUICKLY|TO THE JIMMY BUZZARD INTERVIEW WHERE WE UNDERSTAND SOMETHING|EXCITING'S JUST HAPPENED.
I'VE FALLEN OFF|MY CHAIR, BRIAN.
( drumbeat with each|movement of coffin ) ( drum roll ) ( laughter ) ( laughter continues ) ( dog barking ) ( laughter ) ( drumbeat continues ) ( drum roll ) ( man and woman giggling ) Man ( whispering ):|SHH! I THINK MY WIFE'S|BEGINNING TO SUSPECT.
Man:|YOU, SHUT UP|UP THERE! Man:|WHAT DO YOU MEAN,|"SHUT UP UP THERE"? YOU SHUT UP.
OH, SHUT UP! ( all shouting at once ) ( pounding ) I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.
I THINK YOU'LL FIND THIS|A BIT MORE INTERESTING.
( laughter ) ( bawdy musicplaying ) ( with man's voice ):|GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I WANT TO EXAMINE THE WHOLE QUESTION OF 18th-|CENTURY SOCIAL LEGISLATION ITS RELEVANCE TO THE HIERARCHICAL STRUCTURE|OF POST-RENAISSANCE SOCIETY AND ITS IMPACT ON THE FUTURE|OF PAROCHIAL ORGANIZATION IN AN EXPANDING|AGRARIAN ECONOMY.
( audience chuckles ) BUT FIRST, A BIT OF FUN.
( fast-paced drum riff ) TO PUT ENGLAND'S|SOCIAL LEGISLATION IN A EUROPEAN CONTEXT IS PROFESSOR GERT VAN DER WHOOPS OF THE RIJKSMUSEUM|IN THE HAGUE.
IN HOLLAND IN THE EARLY|PART OF THE 15th CENTURY THERE WAS THREE THINGS IMPORTANT|TO SOCIAL LEGISLATION.
ONE, RISE OF MERCHANT CLASSES TWO, URBANIZATION|OF CRAFT GUILDS THREE, DECLINING MORAL VALUES IN AGE OF INCREASING|SOCIAL BETTERMENT.
BUT FIRST, A BIT OF FUN.
Choir:|
J.
CANNING.
Choir:|
AND NOW THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR.
TONIGHT WE EXAMINE POPULAR VIEWS|OF THIS GREAT BATTLE.
WAS THE BATTLE|OF TRAFALGAR FOUGHT IN THE ATLANTIC|OFF SOUTHERN SPAIN OR WAS IT FOUGHT ON DRY LAND|NEAR CUDWORTH IN YORKSHIRE? HERE IS ONE MAN|WHO THINKS IT WAS AND HERE IS HIS FRIEND.
( laughter ) Canning:|WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR|WAS FOUGHT NEAR CUDWORTH? BECAUSE DRAKE WAS TOO CLEVER|FOR THE GERMAN FLEET.
( laughter ) Canning:|I BEG YOUR PARDON? I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT I SAID NOW.
( audience laughs ) Canning:|MR.
GUMBY'S REMARKABLE VIEWS|HAVE SPARKED OFF A WAVE OF CONTROVERSY|AMONGST HIS FELLOW HISTORIANS.
WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD, UH REAPPRAISE OUR CONCEPT|OF THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR.
( shouting ):|WELL, WELL, I AGREE WITH|EVERYTHING MR.
GUMBY SAYS.
WELL, UH, I THINK, UH,|CEMENT IS MORE INTERESTING UH, THAN PEOPLE THINK.
ONE SUBJECT--|FOUR DIFFERENT VIEWS.
THE STUFF OF HISTORY|IS INDEED WOVEN IN THE WOOF.
PEARL HARBOR.
THERE ARE PAGES|IN HISTORY'S BOOK WHICH ARE WRITTEN|ON THE GRAND SCALE-- EVENTS SO MOMENTOUS THAT|THEY DWARF MAN AND TIME ALIKE.
AND SUCH IS THE BATTLE|OF PEARL HARBOR REENACTED FOR US NOW BY THE WOMEN OF THE BATLEY|TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD.
Canning:|MRS.
RITA FAIRBANKS,|YOU ORGANIZED THIS RECONSTRUCTION OF|THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR.
WHY? UH, WELL, ALWAYS BEEN EXTREMELY|INTERESTED IN MODERN DRAMA.
WE WERE, OF COURSE, THE FIRST|TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD TO PERFORM "CAMP ON BLOOD ISLAND,"|AND LAST YEAR, OF COURSE WE DID OUR EXTREMELY|POPULAR REENACTMENT OF "NAZI WAR ATROCITIES.
" AND SO, THIS YEAR WE THOUGHT WE'D LIKE TO DO|SOMETHING IN A LIGHTER VEIN.
SO YOU CHOSE|THE BATTLE OF|PEARL HARBOR? YES, THAT'S RIGHT, WE DID.
WELL, I CAN SEE|YOU'RE ALL|READY TO GO SO I'LL JUST WISH|YOU GOOD LUCK IN YOUR|LATEST VENTURE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOUNG MAN.
LADIES AND|GENTLEMEN "THE WORLD OF HISTORY"|IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE PREMIERE|OF THE BATLEY|TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD REENACTMENT OF "THE|BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR.
" ( whistle toots ) ( yelling and screaming ) ( pig grunting in distance ) THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR.
INCIDENTALLY, I'M SORRY|IF I GOT A LITTLE BIT SHIRTY EARLIER ON IN THE PROGRAM,|WHEN I KEPT GETTING INTERRUPTED BY ALL THESE FILMS AND THINGS|THAT KEPT COMING IN, BUT I "WE SHALL" ( laughter ) ( gunshots ) "HERETOFORE SHALL THIS SOUL|BE RECEIVED UNTO" ( "Funeral March"playing ) ( zippy tune playing ) AND SO I SAID|IF IT HAPPENED AGAIN I'D GET VERY ANGRY|AND TALK TO LORD HILL, AND ( humming ) Canning:|TELL LORD HILL.
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing, applause ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
WHOA! [Captioned by|The Caption Center|WGBH EducationaL Foundation.]