Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s02e11 Episode Script
How Not to Be Seen
1 (speaking Chinese) (knocking) COME IN.
AH, FROG.
S.
FROG.
SHUT UP.
I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, FROG.
S.
FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
IT'S ABOUT YOUR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN FOR CONQUISTADOR COFFEE.
NOW, I'VE HAD THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF CONQUISTADOR TO SEE ME THIS MORNING AND HE'S VERY UNHAPPY WITH YOUR CAMPAIGN.
VERY UNHAPPY.
IN FACT, HE SHOT HIMSELF.
BADLY, SIR? NO.
EXTREMELY WELL.
WELL, BEFORE HE WEN HE LEFT A NOTE WITH THE COMPANY SECRETARY.
THE EFFECT OF WHICH WAS HOW DISAPPOINTED HE WAS WITH YOUR WORK AND IN PARTICULAR WHY YOU WOULD CHANGE THE NAME "CONQUISTADOR INSTANT COFFEE" TO "CONQUISTADOR INSTANT LEPROSY.
" WHY, FROG? S.
FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
WHY DID YOU DO IT? IT WAS A JOKE.
A JOKE? NO.
NO, NOT A JOKE.
A SALES CAMPAIGN.
I SEE, FROG.
S.
FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
NOW, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE SALES CHART.
WHEN YOU TOOK OVER THIS ACCOUNT, FROG CONQUISTADOR WAS BRAND LEADER.
HERE YOU INTRODUCED YOUR FIRST CAMPAIGN "CONQUISTADOR COFFEE BRINGS A NEW MEANING TO THE WORD 'VOMIT'.
" HERE YOU MADE YOUR SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER OF A FREE DEAD DOG WITH EVERY JAR.
AND THIS FOLLOWED YOUR SECOND CAMPAIGN "THE TINGLING FRESH COFFEE "WHICH BRINGS YOU EXCITING NEW CHOLERA, MANGE, SAPPORTIA "DROPSY, THE CLAP, HARD PAD, AND ATHLETE'S HEAD FROM THE HOUSE OF CONQUISTADOR.
" IT WAS A SOFT SELL, SIR.
WHY, FROG? S.
FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
WELL? WELL, PEOPLE KNOW THE NAME, SIR.
THEY CERTAINLY DO KNOW THE NAME.
THEY BURNED THE FACTORY DOWN.
THE OWNER IS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM.
(gunshot) THE OWNER WAS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIRE ME, SIR? FIRE YOU? THREE MEN DEAD, THE FACTORY BURNED DOWN THE ACCOUNT LOS AND OUR FIRM COMPLETELY BANKRUPT.
WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY? WHAT EXCUSE CAN YOU POSSIBLY MAKE! SORRY, FATHER.
AH, YES.
OH, INCIDENTALLY, YOUR FILM'S WON A PRIZE.
(pastoral music playing) (music skipping) SORRY ABOUT THAT.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFF COMPLETELY DIFF COMPLETELY DIFF COMPLETELY DIFF COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(music skipping) (music resumes) (music ends with rude noise) John: 1929.
STANLEY BALDWIN'S CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMEN IS DEFEATED AND RAMSAY MacDONALD BECOMES FOR THE SECOND TIME PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND.
(clock ticking) (clears throat) WHEW.
MY, IT'S HOT IN HERE.
(knocking) (whistling nonchalantly) HELLO? COME IN.
AH, HELLO, HELLO.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WAN FOR THE BRIEFCASE? WELL, I ALL RIGHT, THEN THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA A FIVER DOWN, MUS BE MY FINAL OFFER.
I DON'T REALLY WAN TO SELL THEM.
I'VE COME FOR A JOB.
OH, TAKE A SEAT.
TAKE A SEAT.
THANK YOU.
I SEE YOU CHOSE THE CANVAS CHAIR WITH THE ALUMINUM FRAME.
I'LL THROW THAT IN.
THAT AND THE FIVER FOR THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA.
NO, MAKE IT FAIR, THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA AND THE TWO PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKE AND THE CHAIR'S YOURS AND A FIVER AND A PAIR OF EX-GERMAN U-BOAT COMMANDER'S BINOCULARS.
REALLY, THEY'RE NOT FOR SALE.
NOT FOR SALE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I CAME ABOU THE ADVERTISEMEN FOR THE JOB OF ASSISTANT EDITOR.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH, RIGHT.
OH, OKAY.
UH, HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE IN JOURNALISM? FIVE YEARS.
RIGHT.
TYPING SPEED? "O" LEVELS? EIGHT.
"A" LEVELS? TWO.
RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU THE JOB AND THE CHAIR AND AN ALL-WOOL, EX-ARMY SLEEPING BAG FOR THE BRIEFCASE, THE UMBRELLA THE PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKE AND YOUR STRING VEST.
WHEN DO I START? MONDAY.
MARVELOUS.
IF YOU THROW IN THE SHOES AS WELL.
HELLO, MISS JOHNSON COULD WE HAVE TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS, PLEASE? One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.
TWO EX-ARMY GREATCOATS AND THE ALARM CLOCK AND A TABLE LAMP FOR TWO COFFEES AND BISCUITS.
TWO GREATCOATS AND TWO TABLE LAMPS.
TWO GREATCOATS, ONE TABLE LAMP, AND A DESERT BOOT.
FOR TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS? DONE.
DONE.
(humming and typing) Announcer: SO, MISS JOHNSON RETURNED TO HER TYPING AND DREAMED HER LITTLE DREAMY DREAMS UNAWARE AS SHE WAS OF THE CRUEL TRICK FATE HAD IN STORE FOR HER.
FOR MISS JOHNSON WAS ABOUT TO FALL VICTIM OF THE DREADED, INTERNATIONAL CHINESE COMMUNIST CONSPIRACY.
(high-pitched jabbering) YES, THESE FANATICAL FIENDS UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF THE SO-CALLED MAO TSE-TUNG HAD CAUGHT MISS JOHNSON OFF GUARD FOR ONE BRIEF, BUT FATAL MOMENT AND DESTROYED HER.
JUST AS THEY ARE READY TO DO ANY TIME FREE MEN ANYWHERE WAVER IN THEIR DEFENSE OF DEMOCRACY.
(gunshots) ("Stars and Stripes Forever" playing) YES, ONCE AGAIN, AMERICAN DEFENSE PROVES ITS EFFECTIVENESS AGAINST INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM.
USING THIS DIAGRAM OF A TOOTH TO REPRESENT ANY SMALL COUNTRY WE CAN SEE HOW INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM WORKS BY ERODING AWAY FROM THE INSIDE.
WHEN ONE COUNTRY OR TOOTH FALLS VICTIM TO INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM, ITS NEIGHBORS SOON FOLLOW.
IN DENTISTRY, THIS IS KNOWN AS THE "DOMINO THEORY.
" BUT WITH AMERICAN DEFENSE THE DECAY IS STOPPED BEFORE IT STARTS.
AND THAT'S WHY NINE OUT OF TEN SMALL COUNTRIES CHOOSE AMERICAN DEFENSE.
Announcer: OR CRELM TOOTHPASTE WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT, FRAUDULIN.
THE WHITE CAR REPRESENTS CRELM TOOTHPASTE WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT.
THE NOT-WHITE CAR REPRESENTS ANOTHER TOOTHPASTE.
BOTH TOOTHPASTES PROVIDE 3O% PROTECTION.
AT 6O% PROTECTION BOTH TOOTHPASTES ARE DOING WELL.
AND NOW, AT 9O% PROTECTION, THE WAIT! THE NOT-WHITE CAR IS OUT.
AND CRELM TOOTHPASTE GOES ON TO WIN WITH 100 PROTECTION.
YES, DO LIKE ALL SMARTMOTORISTS.
CHOOSE CRELM TOOTHPASTE OR SHRILL PETROL WITH THE NEW ADDITIVE, GLC-9424075.
AFTER 6:00 P.
M.
, 9424047.
USING THIS WHITE CARD TO REPRESENT ENGINE DEPOSITS AND THIS BLACK CARD TO REPRESEN SHRILL'S NEW ADDITIVE GLC-9424075 AFTER 6:00 P.
M.
, 9424077 WE CAN SEE HOW THE ENGINE DEPOSITS ARE PUSHED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH BY THE SUPERIOR FORCES AVAILABLE TO SHRILL (gunshot and grunt) ANYWAY, JOHN, YOU CAN CATCH THE 11:30 FROM HORNCHURCH AND BE AT BASINGSTOKE BY 1:00.
OH, AND THERE'S A BUFFET CAR AND OH.
DADDY.
MY HAT! SIR HORACE.
HAS HE BEEN? YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER NOW.
HE'S DEAD.
OH.
POOR DADDY.
LOOKS LIKE I SHAN' BE CATCHING THE 11:30 NOW.
OH, NO, JOHN YOU MUSTN'T MISS YOUR TRAIN.
HOW COULD I THINK OF CATCHING A TRAIN WHEN I SHOULD BE HERE HELPING YOU? OH, JOHN, THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, YOU COULD ALWAYS CATCH THE 9:30 TOMORROW.
IT GOES VIA CATERHAM AND CHIPSTEAD.
OR THE 9:45'S EVEN BETTER.
OH, BUT YOU'D HAVE TO CHANGE AT LAMBS GREEN.
YES, BUT THERE'S ONLY A SEVEN-MINUTE WAIT NOW.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
I'D FORGOTTEN IT WAS FRIDAY.
OH, WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS? OH, DO HURRY, SIR HORACE.
YOUR TRAIN LEAVES IN 28 MINUTES AND IF YOU DON'T MISS THE 10:15, YOU WON'T CATCH THE 3:45 WHICH MEANS THE OH.
I'M AFRAID SIR HORACE WON' BE CATCHING THE 10:15, LADY PARTRIDGE.
HAS HE BEEN? YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
LADY PARTRIDGE I'M AFRAID YOU CAN CANCEL HIS SEAT RESERVATION.
OH, AND IT WAS BACK TO THE ENGINE, FOURTH COACH ALONG SO THAT HE COULD SEE THE GRADIENT SIGNS OUTSIDE SWANBOROUGH.
NOT ANY MORE, LADY PARTRIDGE.
THE LINE'S BEEN CLOSED.
CLOSED? NOT SWANBOROUGH.
I'M AFRAID SO.
ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE.
I'M INSPECTOR DAVIS OF SCOTLAND YARD.
MY WORD, YOU WERE HERE QUICKLY, INSPECTOR.
YEAH, I GOT THE 8:55 PULLMAN EXPRESS FROM KING'S CROSS AND MISSED THAT BI AROUND HORNCHURCH.
IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN.
IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN.
OH, IT'S AN EXCELLENT TRAIN.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
All: TONY! WHERE IS DADDY? OH, GOLLY.
HAS HE BEEN? All: YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
THEN, HE WON'T BE NEEDING HIS RESERVATION ON THE 10:15.
EXACTLY.
AND I SUPPOSE AS HIS ELDEST SON IT MUST GO TO ME.
JUST A MINUTE, TONY.
THERE'S A SMALL MATTER OF MURDER.
OH! OH, BUT SURELY HE SIMPLY SHO HIMSELF AND THEN HID THE GUN.
HOW COULD ANYONE SHOOT HIMSELF AND THEN HIDE THE GUN WITHOUT FIRST CANCELING HIS RESERVATION? HA, HA.
WELL, I MUST DASH OR I'LL BE LATE FOR THE 10:15.
I SUGGES YOU MURDERED YOUR FATHER FOR HIS SEAT RESERVATION.
I MAY HAVE HAD THE MOTIVE, INSPECTOR BUT I COULD NO HAVE DONE I FOR I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED FROM GILLINGHAM ON THE 8:13 AND HERE IS MY RESTAURAN CAR TICKET TO PROVE IT.
BUT THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM DOESN'T HAVE A RESTAURANT CAR.
IT'S A STANDING BUFFET ONLY.
OH, AH DID I SAY THE 8:13? I MEANT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN.
BUT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN ARRIVED AT SWINDON AT 8:19 OWING TO ANNUAL POINT MAINTENANCE AT WISBOROUGH JUNCTION.
SO HOW DID YOU MAKE THE CONNECTION WITH THE 8:13, WHICH LEFT SIX MINUTES EARLIER? OH, AH, SIMPLE.
I CAUGH THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL ARRIVING AT SWINDON AT 8:09.
BUT THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL ONLY STOPS AT SWINDON ON ALTERNATE SATURDAYS.
YES, SURELY YOU MEAN THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL.
OH, YES! HOW DAFT OF ME.
OF COURSE, I CAME ON THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL CALLING AT BEDFORD, COLMWORTH, FEN DITTON, SUTTON WALLINGTON AND GILLINGHAM.
THAT'S SUNDAYS ONLY.
DAMN.
ALL RIGHT, I CONFESS.
I DID IT.
I KILLED HIM FOR HIS RESERVATION BUT YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE.
I'M GOING TO THROW MYSELF UNDER THE 10:12 FROM READING.
DON'T BE A FOOL, TONY! DON'T DO IT! THE 10:12 HAS THE NEW NARROW TRACTION BOGIES.
YOU WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
EXACTLY.
(dramatic chord) Announcer: THAT WAS AN EXCERP FROM THE LATEST WEST END HI IT ALL HAPPENED ON THE 11:20 FROM HAINAULT TO REDHILL VIA HORSHAM AND REIGATE, CALLING AT CARSHALTON BEECHES MALMESBURY, TOOTING BEC AND CROYDON WEST.
THE AUTHOR IS MR.
NEVILLE SHUNT.
CHUFF, CHUFF, CHUFF, WOOOOOCH, WOOOOOCH! DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM.
TOOT! TOOT! THE TRAIN IS NOW STANDING AT PLATFORM EIGHT, TCH, TCH, TCH.
DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, CHUFFFF CHUFFFFFFFF EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA VOOOOOMMMMM! SOME PEOPLE HAVE MADE THE MISTAKE OF SEEING SHUNT'S WORK AS A LOAD OF RUBBISH ABOUT RAILWAY TIMETABLES BUT CLEVER PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO TALK LOUDLY IN RESTAURANTS SEE THIS AS A DELIBERATE AMBIGUITY A PLEA FOR UNDERSTANDING IN A MECHANIZED WORLD.
THE POINTS ARE FROZEN, THE BEAST IS DEAD.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? WHAT, INDEED, IS THE POINT? THE POINT IS FROZEN.
THE BEAST IS LATE OUT OF PADDINGTON.
THE POINT IS TAKEN.
IF LA FONTAINE'S ELK WOULD SPURN TOM JONES THE ENGINE MUST BE OUR HEAD, THE DINING CAR OUR ESOPHAGUS THE GUARD'S VAN OUR LEFT LUNG, THE CATTLE TRUCK OUR SHINS THE FIRST-CLASS COMPARTMEN THE PIECE OF SKIN AT THE NAPE OF THE NECK AND THE LEVEL CROSSING AN ELECTRIC ELK CALLED SIMON.
THE CLARITY IS DEVASTATING, BUT WHERE IS THE AMBIGUITY? IT'S OVER THERE IN A BOX.
SHUNT IS SAYING THE 8:15 FROM GILLINGHAM WHEN IN REALITY, HE MEANS THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM.
THE TRAIN IS THE SAME, ONLY THE TIME IS ALTERED.
ECCE HOMO, ERGO ELK.
LA FONTAINE KNEW HIS SISTER AND KNEW HER BLOODY WELL.
THE POINT IS TAKEN.
THE BEAST IS MOLTING.
THE FLUFF GETS UP YOUR NOSE.
THE ILLUSION IS COMPLETE.
IT IS REALITY, THE REALITY IS ILLUSION AND THE AMBIGUITY IS THE ONLY TRUTH BUT IS THE TRUTH, AS HITCHCOCK OBSERVES, IN THE BOX? NO, THERE ISN'T ROOM THE AMBIGUITY HAS PUT ON WEIGHT.
THE POINT IS TAKEN, THE ELK IS DEAD.
THE BEAST STOPS AT SWINDON, CHABROL STOPS AT NOTHING I'M HAVING TREATMENT, AND LA FONTAINE CAN GET KNOTTED.
GAVIN MILLAR RRRRRRRRRRR.
WAS NOT TALKING TO NEVILLE SHUNT.
FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER WE TURN TO THE WORLD OF DENTAL HYGIENE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER WE TURN TO THE SILVER SCREEN.
WE HONOR ONE OF THE SILVER SCREEN'S OUTSTANDING WRITER-DENTISTS, UH, WRITER-DIRECTORS MARTIN CURRY, WHO IS VISITING LONDON TO HAVE A TOOTH OUT, FOR THE PRE-MOLAR, UH, PREMIERE OF HIS FILLING, FILM, NEXT TOOTHDAY, TUESDA Y AT THE DENTAL THEATRE, FILM THEATRE.
MARTIN CURRY, TALKING TO MATTHEW PALATE, PADGET.
MARTIN CURRY, WELCOME.
ONE OF THE BIG TEETH, UH, BIG POINTS THAT THE AMERICAN CRITICS MADE ABOUT YOUR LATEST FILM, THE TWELVE CAESARS WAS THAT IT WAS ON SO ALL-EMBRACING A TOPIC.
WHAT MADE YOU UNDERTAKE SO ENORMOUS A TUSK? TASK? I'VE ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN IMPERIAL ROME RIGHT FROM JULIUS CAESAR RIGHT THROUGH TO VETHPATHIAN.
WHO? VETHPATHIAN.
OH.
VESPASIAN.
YES, YES.
WELL, WHEN I SAW YOUR FILM IT DID SEEM TO ME THAT YOU HAD TAKEN A RATHER, UM, SUBJECTIVE APPROACH TO IT.
I'M SORRY? WELL, I MEAN ALL YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS HAD THESE ENORMOUS, WELL, NOT ENORMOUS, BUT, UH THESE, UM, VERY BIG, UM WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT A CLIP IN WHICH JULIUS INCISOR, CAESAR TALKS TO HIS GENERALS DURING THE BATTLE AGAINST CARACTATUS.
I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL.
SHALL I ORDER THE CAVALRY THAT THEY MAY HIDE THEMSELVES IN THE WOOD, O CAESAR? THUS, O CAESAR! THUS, O CAESAR! TODAY IS ABOUT TO BE A TRIUMPH FOR OUR NATIVE COUNTRY.
WELL, MARTIN CURRY, WHY DO ALL YOUR CHARACTERS HAVE THESE VERY BIG, UM VERY BIG, UH TEETH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, I MEAN, UH EVEN IN YOUR BIBLICAL EPIC, THE SON OF MAN JOHN THE BAPTIST HAD THE MOS ENORMOUS DENTAL APPENDAGES AND OF COURSE, UM HIMSELF HAD THE MOST MONUMENTAL IVORIES.
WELL, I'M AFRAID I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL.
UM.
WELL, WHILE WE'RE WAITING LOOK, COULD I HAVE A STRAW? OH, A STRAW.
YES, YES.
WELL, WHILE WE'RE DOING THAT, UH PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE A LOOK AT AN EARLIER FILM, TRAFALGAR.
COVER MY COAT, MR.
BUSH.
THE MEN MUST NOT KNOW OF THIS TILL VICTORY IS OURS.
THE SURGEON'S COMING, SIR.
NO, TELL THE SURGEON TO ATTEND THE MEN THAT CAN BE SAVED.
HE CAN DO LITTLE FOR ME, I FEAR.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
HARDY! HARDY! SIR? HARDY KISS ER, PUT YOUR HAND ON MY THIGH.
HUH.
WELL, MARTIN CURRY, THANK YOU.
UH WELL, WE ASKED THE FIRST-NIGHT AUDIENCE WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THAT FILM.
IT WASN'T TRUE TO LIFE.
YES, IT WAS.
NO, IT WASN'T.
I THOUGH IT WAS TOTALLY BIZARRE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR OVER 40 YEARS AND I THINK THE IMPORTANCE OF LOOKING AFTER POOR PEOPLE CANNOT BE UNDERSTRESSED.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 20 YEARS AND I MUST ADMIT, I'M LOST.
Well, I've been in the city all my life and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY SINCE I WAS TWO AND CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT.
STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT.
OH, DEAR MR.
BULSTRODE'S STUCK AGAIN.
STUCK IN A RUT.
I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT.
WELL, I HAVE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 30 YEARS AND I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED BEING A NASTY, GREEDY, COLD-HEARTED AVARICIOUS, MONEY-GRUBBER CONSERVATIVE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY ABOUT 27 YEARS AND I'D LIKE TO SEE THE REINTRODUCTION OF FLOGGING.
EVERY THURSDAY, ROUND AT MY PLACE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE SEA FOR 33 YEARS AND I'VE NEVER REGRETTED IT.
NEITHER HAVE I.
NEITHER HAVE I.
YES, QUITE SO.
I THINK IT MUST BE A NATURALIST OUTING.
NO, I THINK IT MUST BE ONE OF THEM CRACKPOT RELIGIONS.
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE SORT OF ABUSE WE GET ALL THE TIME FROM IGNORANT PEOPLE.
I INHERITED THIS RELIGION FROM MY FATHER AN EX-USED CAR SALESMAN AND PART-TIME WINDOW BOX AND I AM VERY PROUD TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE FIRST RELIGION WITH FREE GIFTS.
YOU GET THIS LUXURY TEA TROLLEY WITH EVERY NEW ENROLLMENT.
IN ADDITION TO THIS, YOU CAN WIN A THREE-PIECE LOUNGE SUITE THIS LUXURY CARAVAN A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH PETER BONETTI AND TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE: THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL.
(organ fanfare) AND REMEMBER, WITH ONLY EIGHT SCORING DRAWS YOU CAN WIN A BISHOPRIC IN A SEE OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.
YOU SEE, WE HAVE A MUCH MORE MODERN APPROACH TO RELIGION.
(rattling) BLESSED IS ARTHUR CRACKPOT AND ALL ITS SUBSIDIARIES, LIMITED.
YOU SEE, IN OUR CHURCH, WE HAVE A LOT MORE FUN.
OH, MRS.
COLLINS YOU DID SAY YOU WERE NERVOUS, DIDN'T YOU? YOU HAVE EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE? I DON'T MIND, I DON'T MIND.
IT'S JUST NICE TO BE HERE, REVEREND.
ARCHDEACON.
WELL, YOU HAVE EYES FOR THE COFFEE MACHINE SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE WON.
YOU CHOSE HYMN 437.
OH, MRS.
COLLINS.
YOU HAD EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE.
WELL, YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE: THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL! (canned applause) I'VE GOT ONE ALREADY.
A LOT OF RELIGIONS NO NAMES, NO PACK DRILL DO GO FOR THE POORER TYPE OF PERSON.
FACE IT: THERE'S MORE OF THEM POOR PEOPLE, THIEVES, VILLAINS POOR PEOPLE WITHOUT NO MONEY AT ALL.
WELL, WE DON'T HAVE NONE OF THAT TAT.
RICH PEOPLE AND CRUMPET OVER 16 CAN ENTER FREE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS: QUITE WELCOME LOWER MIDDLE CLASS: NOT UNDER FIVE GRAND A YEAR LOWER CLASS: I CAN'T TOUCH IT.
THERE'S NO RETURN ON IT, YOU SEE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY DIFFICULTY CONVERTING PEOPLE? UH, NO.
WELL, WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING THEM JOIN.
NORMAN, THERE, DOES A LOT OF CONVERTING A LOT OF PROTECTION, THAT SORT OF THING.
AND THERE'S HIS MATE, BRUCE BEER.
BRUCY HAS PERSONALLY CONVERTED 92 PEOPLE 25 INSIDE THE DISTANCE.
THEN AGAIN, WE'RE NOT AFRAID TO USE MORE MODERN METHODS.
SARAH, TODAY'S DIOCESAN LOVELY IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ANY CHAP GO DOWN ON HIS KNEES.
THIS 23-YEAR-OLD BISHOP HAILS, APPROPRIATELY ENOUGH FROM BISHOP'S STORTFORD AND LISTS HER HOBBIES AS SWIMMING, RIDING AND FILM PRODUCERS.
WHAT A GAS! BET SHE'S NO NOVICE WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERTING ALL IN HER SEE.
(rasping): BASICALLY I BELIEVE IN PEACE AND BASHING TWO BRICKS TOGETHER.
I'M STARTING A WAR FOR PEACE.
(phlegmatic coughing) COR BLIMEY! I'M RAISING POLECATS FOR PEACE.
PEACE? I LIKE A PEACE.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SAY NO MORE.
NUDGE, NUDGE.
OUR RELIGION IS THE FIRST CHURCH TO CATER FOR THE NAUGHTY TYPE OF PERSON.
IF YOU'D LIKE A BI OF LOVE-YOUR-NEIGHBOR AND WHO DOESN'T NOW AND AGAIN THEN SEE VERA AND CICELEY DURING THE HYMNS.
IN OUR CHURCH, WE TRY TO HELP PEOPLE TO HELP THEMSELVES TO CARS, WASHING MACHINES, LEAD PIPING NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
WE'RE THE ONLY CHURCH, APART FROM THE BAPTISTS TO DO RE-SPRAY JOBS.
WE IN THE CHURCH OF THE DIVINE LOONY BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER TO TURN THE HEAD PURPLE.
(hysterical laughter) I WOULD LIKE TO COME IN HERE FOR A MOMENT, IF I MAY AND DISASSOCIATE OUR CHURCH FROM THESE FRIVOLOUS AND OFFENSIVE RELIGIONS.
WE ARE PRIMARILY CONCERNED WITH WHAT IS BEST (phone ringing) HELLO? OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT ALLIED BREWERIES? ALL RIGHT, BUT KEEP THE RIO TINTO.
FOR THE HUMAN SOUL.
IN OUR CHURCH, WE BELIEVE, FIRST AND FOREMOST, IN YOU.
(grumbling) WE WANT YOU TO THINK OF US AS YOUR FRIEND.
(grumbling) IN THIS PICTURE, THERE ARE 40 PEOPLE.
NONE OF THEM CAN BE SEEN.
IN THIS FILM, WE HOPE TO SHOW YOU HOW NOT TO BE SEEN.
THIS IS MR.
E.
R.
BRADSHAW OF NAPIER COUR BLACK LION ROAD, SE5.
HE CANNOT BE SEEN.
NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK HIM TO STAND UP.
MR.
BRADSHAW, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE? (gunshot) THIS DEMONSTRATES THE VALUE OF NOT BEING SEEN.
IN THIS PICTURE, WE CANNOT SEE MRS.
B.
J.
SMEGMA OF 13, THE CRESCENT, BELMONT.
MRS.
SMEGMA, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE? (gunshot) THIS IS MR.
NESBIT OF HARLOW, NEW TOWN.
MR.
NESBITT, WOULD YOU STAND UP, PLEASE? MR.
NESBITT HAS LEARNT THE FIRS LESSON OF NOT BEING SEEN NOT TO STAND UP.
HOWEVER, HE HAS CHOSEN A VERY OBVIOUS PIECE OF COVER.
MR.
E.
V.
LAMBERT OF HOMELEIGH, THE BURROWS, OSWESTRY HAS PRESENTED US WITH A POSER.
WE DO NOT KNOW WHICH BUSH HE IS BEHIND BUT WE CAN SOON FIND OUT.
(muffled scream) YES, IT WAS THE MIDDLE ONE.
MR.
KEN ANDREWS OF LEIGHTON ROAD, SLOUGH HAS CONCEALED HIMSELF EXTREMELY WELL.
HE COULD BE ALMOST ANYWHERE.
HE COULD BE BEHIND THE WALL, INSIDE THE WATER BARREL BENEATH A PILE OF LEAVES, UP IN THE TREE SQUATTING DOWN BEHIND THE CAR, CONCEALED IN A HOLLOW OR CROUCHED BEHIND ANY ONE OF A HUNDRED BUSHES.
HOWEVER, WE HAPPEN TO KNOW HE'S IN THE WATER BARREL.
MR.
AND MRS.
WATSON OF IVY COTTAGE, WORPLESDON ROAD, HULL CHOSE A VERY CUNNING WAY OF NOT BEING SEEN.
WHEN WE CALLED AT THEIR HOUSE WE FOUND THEY HAD GONE AWAY ON TWO WEEKS' HOLIDAY.
THEY HAD NOT LEF ANY FORWARDING ADDRESS AND THEY HAD BOLTED AND BARRED THE HOUSE TO PREVENT US GETTING IN.
HOWEVER, A NEIGHBOR TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE.
(people screaming) AND HERE IS THE NEIGHBOR WHO TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE.
(grunts) NOBODY LIKES A CLEVER DICK.
AND THIS IS WHERE HE LIVED.
AND THIS IS WHERE LORD LANGDON LIVED WHO REFUSED TO SPEAK TO US AND SO DID THE GENTLEMAN WHO LIVED HERE AND HERE AND, OF COURSE, HERE AND MANCHESTER AND THE WEST MIDLANDS SPAIN CHINA (mad laughter) (laughter continues) AH.
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE HAVE TO STOP THE FILM THERE AS SOME OF THE SCENES WHICH FOLLOWED WERE OF A VIOLENT NATURE WHICH MIGHT PROVE DISTRESSING TO SOME OF OUR VIEWERS THOUGH NOT TO ME, I CAN TELL YOU.
(clears throat) IN NOVA SCOTIA TODAY MR.
ROY BENT OF NORTH WALSHAM IN NORFOLK BECAME THE FIRST MAN TO CROSS THE ATLANTIC ON A TRICYCLE.
HIS TRICYCLE, SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR THE CROSSING WAS 90-FOOT LONG WITH A PROTECTIVE STEEL HULL THREE FUNNELS, 17 FIRST-CLASS CABINS AND A RADAR SCANNER.
MR.
BENT IS IN OUR DURHAM STUDIOS WHICH IS RATHER UNFORTUNATE AS WE'RE ALL DOWN HERE IN LONDON.
AND IN LONDON IN LONDON, I HAVE WITH ME MR.
LUDOVIC GRAYSON THE MAN WHO SCORED ALL SIX GOALS IN ARSENAL'S 1-NIL VICTORY OVER THE TURKISH CHAMPIONS FC BOTTY.
LUDOVIC, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE VICTORY.
THANK YOU, DAVID.
IT SHOULD SEND YOU BACK TO BOTTY WITH A BIG LEAD.
OH, YES.
WELL, WE'RE FAIRLY CONFIDENT, DAVID.
WELL, AT THE MOMENT, LUDOVIC YOU'RE CROUCHING DOWN INSIDE A FILING CABINET.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID.
I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SEEN.
I SEE.
IS THIS THROUGH FEAR? OH, NO, NO.
IT'S COMMON SENSE, REALLY.
IF THEY CAN'T SEE YOU, THEY CAN'T GET YOU.
HA, HA, HA, BUT, OF COURSE, THEY CAN STILL HEAR YOU.
HUH? (explosion) (screams) (clattering) LUDOVIC GRAYSON, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT.
AND WE END THE SHOW WITH MUSIC AND HERE WITH THEIR VERY LATEST RECORDING: "YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I'VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY" JACKIE CHARLTON AND THE TONETTES.
(bass and drum riff intro) YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY AND I FEEL LIKE A-LOVIN' YOU LOVE, YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET THING GOOD-ENOUGH-TO-EAT THING AND THAT'S JUST WHA I'M GONNA DO OOH, LOVE, TO HOLD YA OOH, LOVE, TO KISS YA OOH, LOVE, I LOVE IT SO OOH, LOVE, YOU'RE SWEETER SWEETER THAN SUGAR OOH, LOVE, I WON'T LET YOU GO (instrumental break) YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY AND AS SILLY AS THAT MAY SEEM THE LOVIN' THAT YOU'RE GIVIN' IS WHAT KEEPS ME LIVIN' AND YOUR LOVE IS LIKE PEACHES AND CREAM KINDA LIKE SUGAR KINDA LIKE SPICES KINDA LIKE I LOVE WHAT YOU DO KINDA SOUNDS FUNNY BUT YOUR LOVE, HONEY HONEY, I LOVE YOU BAA, BAA-DA-DA-DA (laughter) YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY HAVE JUST MISSED MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS HERE IT IS AGAIN.
THE LOVIN' THAT YOU'RE GIVIN' IS WHAT KEEPS ME LIVIN' AND LOVE IS LIKE PEACHES AND CREAM KINDA LIKE SUGAR
AH, FROG.
S.
FROG.
SHUT UP.
I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, FROG.
S.
FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
IT'S ABOUT YOUR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN FOR CONQUISTADOR COFFEE.
NOW, I'VE HAD THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF CONQUISTADOR TO SEE ME THIS MORNING AND HE'S VERY UNHAPPY WITH YOUR CAMPAIGN.
VERY UNHAPPY.
IN FACT, HE SHOT HIMSELF.
BADLY, SIR? NO.
EXTREMELY WELL.
WELL, BEFORE HE WEN HE LEFT A NOTE WITH THE COMPANY SECRETARY.
THE EFFECT OF WHICH WAS HOW DISAPPOINTED HE WAS WITH YOUR WORK AND IN PARTICULAR WHY YOU WOULD CHANGE THE NAME "CONQUISTADOR INSTANT COFFEE" TO "CONQUISTADOR INSTANT LEPROSY.
" WHY, FROG? S.
FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
WHY DID YOU DO IT? IT WAS A JOKE.
A JOKE? NO.
NO, NOT A JOKE.
A SALES CAMPAIGN.
I SEE, FROG.
S.
FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
NOW, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE SALES CHART.
WHEN YOU TOOK OVER THIS ACCOUNT, FROG CONQUISTADOR WAS BRAND LEADER.
HERE YOU INTRODUCED YOUR FIRST CAMPAIGN "CONQUISTADOR COFFEE BRINGS A NEW MEANING TO THE WORD 'VOMIT'.
" HERE YOU MADE YOUR SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER OF A FREE DEAD DOG WITH EVERY JAR.
AND THIS FOLLOWED YOUR SECOND CAMPAIGN "THE TINGLING FRESH COFFEE "WHICH BRINGS YOU EXCITING NEW CHOLERA, MANGE, SAPPORTIA "DROPSY, THE CLAP, HARD PAD, AND ATHLETE'S HEAD FROM THE HOUSE OF CONQUISTADOR.
" IT WAS A SOFT SELL, SIR.
WHY, FROG? S.
FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
WELL? WELL, PEOPLE KNOW THE NAME, SIR.
THEY CERTAINLY DO KNOW THE NAME.
THEY BURNED THE FACTORY DOWN.
THE OWNER IS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM.
(gunshot) THE OWNER WAS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIRE ME, SIR? FIRE YOU? THREE MEN DEAD, THE FACTORY BURNED DOWN THE ACCOUNT LOS AND OUR FIRM COMPLETELY BANKRUPT.
WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY? WHAT EXCUSE CAN YOU POSSIBLY MAKE! SORRY, FATHER.
AH, YES.
OH, INCIDENTALLY, YOUR FILM'S WON A PRIZE.
(pastoral music playing) (music skipping) SORRY ABOUT THAT.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFF COMPLETELY DIFF COMPLETELY DIFF COMPLETELY DIFF COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(music skipping) (music resumes) (music ends with rude noise) John: 1929.
STANLEY BALDWIN'S CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMEN IS DEFEATED AND RAMSAY MacDONALD BECOMES FOR THE SECOND TIME PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND.
(clock ticking) (clears throat) WHEW.
MY, IT'S HOT IN HERE.
(knocking) (whistling nonchalantly) HELLO? COME IN.
AH, HELLO, HELLO.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WAN FOR THE BRIEFCASE? WELL, I ALL RIGHT, THEN THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA A FIVER DOWN, MUS BE MY FINAL OFFER.
I DON'T REALLY WAN TO SELL THEM.
I'VE COME FOR A JOB.
OH, TAKE A SEAT.
TAKE A SEAT.
THANK YOU.
I SEE YOU CHOSE THE CANVAS CHAIR WITH THE ALUMINUM FRAME.
I'LL THROW THAT IN.
THAT AND THE FIVER FOR THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA.
NO, MAKE IT FAIR, THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA AND THE TWO PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKE AND THE CHAIR'S YOURS AND A FIVER AND A PAIR OF EX-GERMAN U-BOAT COMMANDER'S BINOCULARS.
REALLY, THEY'RE NOT FOR SALE.
NOT FOR SALE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I CAME ABOU THE ADVERTISEMEN FOR THE JOB OF ASSISTANT EDITOR.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH, RIGHT.
OH, OKAY.
UH, HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE IN JOURNALISM? FIVE YEARS.
RIGHT.
TYPING SPEED? "O" LEVELS? EIGHT.
"A" LEVELS? TWO.
RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU THE JOB AND THE CHAIR AND AN ALL-WOOL, EX-ARMY SLEEPING BAG FOR THE BRIEFCASE, THE UMBRELLA THE PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKE AND YOUR STRING VEST.
WHEN DO I START? MONDAY.
MARVELOUS.
IF YOU THROW IN THE SHOES AS WELL.
HELLO, MISS JOHNSON COULD WE HAVE TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS, PLEASE? One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.
TWO EX-ARMY GREATCOATS AND THE ALARM CLOCK AND A TABLE LAMP FOR TWO COFFEES AND BISCUITS.
TWO GREATCOATS AND TWO TABLE LAMPS.
TWO GREATCOATS, ONE TABLE LAMP, AND A DESERT BOOT.
FOR TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS? DONE.
DONE.
(humming and typing) Announcer: SO, MISS JOHNSON RETURNED TO HER TYPING AND DREAMED HER LITTLE DREAMY DREAMS UNAWARE AS SHE WAS OF THE CRUEL TRICK FATE HAD IN STORE FOR HER.
FOR MISS JOHNSON WAS ABOUT TO FALL VICTIM OF THE DREADED, INTERNATIONAL CHINESE COMMUNIST CONSPIRACY.
(high-pitched jabbering) YES, THESE FANATICAL FIENDS UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF THE SO-CALLED MAO TSE-TUNG HAD CAUGHT MISS JOHNSON OFF GUARD FOR ONE BRIEF, BUT FATAL MOMENT AND DESTROYED HER.
JUST AS THEY ARE READY TO DO ANY TIME FREE MEN ANYWHERE WAVER IN THEIR DEFENSE OF DEMOCRACY.
(gunshots) ("Stars and Stripes Forever" playing) YES, ONCE AGAIN, AMERICAN DEFENSE PROVES ITS EFFECTIVENESS AGAINST INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM.
USING THIS DIAGRAM OF A TOOTH TO REPRESENT ANY SMALL COUNTRY WE CAN SEE HOW INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM WORKS BY ERODING AWAY FROM THE INSIDE.
WHEN ONE COUNTRY OR TOOTH FALLS VICTIM TO INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM, ITS NEIGHBORS SOON FOLLOW.
IN DENTISTRY, THIS IS KNOWN AS THE "DOMINO THEORY.
" BUT WITH AMERICAN DEFENSE THE DECAY IS STOPPED BEFORE IT STARTS.
AND THAT'S WHY NINE OUT OF TEN SMALL COUNTRIES CHOOSE AMERICAN DEFENSE.
Announcer: OR CRELM TOOTHPASTE WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT, FRAUDULIN.
THE WHITE CAR REPRESENTS CRELM TOOTHPASTE WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT.
THE NOT-WHITE CAR REPRESENTS ANOTHER TOOTHPASTE.
BOTH TOOTHPASTES PROVIDE 3O% PROTECTION.
AT 6O% PROTECTION BOTH TOOTHPASTES ARE DOING WELL.
AND NOW, AT 9O% PROTECTION, THE WAIT! THE NOT-WHITE CAR IS OUT.
AND CRELM TOOTHPASTE GOES ON TO WIN WITH 100 PROTECTION.
YES, DO LIKE ALL SMARTMOTORISTS.
CHOOSE CRELM TOOTHPASTE OR SHRILL PETROL WITH THE NEW ADDITIVE, GLC-9424075.
AFTER 6:00 P.
M.
, 9424047.
USING THIS WHITE CARD TO REPRESENT ENGINE DEPOSITS AND THIS BLACK CARD TO REPRESEN SHRILL'S NEW ADDITIVE GLC-9424075 AFTER 6:00 P.
M.
, 9424077 WE CAN SEE HOW THE ENGINE DEPOSITS ARE PUSHED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH BY THE SUPERIOR FORCES AVAILABLE TO SHRILL (gunshot and grunt) ANYWAY, JOHN, YOU CAN CATCH THE 11:30 FROM HORNCHURCH AND BE AT BASINGSTOKE BY 1:00.
OH, AND THERE'S A BUFFET CAR AND OH.
DADDY.
MY HAT! SIR HORACE.
HAS HE BEEN? YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER NOW.
HE'S DEAD.
OH.
POOR DADDY.
LOOKS LIKE I SHAN' BE CATCHING THE 11:30 NOW.
OH, NO, JOHN YOU MUSTN'T MISS YOUR TRAIN.
HOW COULD I THINK OF CATCHING A TRAIN WHEN I SHOULD BE HERE HELPING YOU? OH, JOHN, THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, YOU COULD ALWAYS CATCH THE 9:30 TOMORROW.
IT GOES VIA CATERHAM AND CHIPSTEAD.
OR THE 9:45'S EVEN BETTER.
OH, BUT YOU'D HAVE TO CHANGE AT LAMBS GREEN.
YES, BUT THERE'S ONLY A SEVEN-MINUTE WAIT NOW.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
I'D FORGOTTEN IT WAS FRIDAY.
OH, WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS? OH, DO HURRY, SIR HORACE.
YOUR TRAIN LEAVES IN 28 MINUTES AND IF YOU DON'T MISS THE 10:15, YOU WON'T CATCH THE 3:45 WHICH MEANS THE OH.
I'M AFRAID SIR HORACE WON' BE CATCHING THE 10:15, LADY PARTRIDGE.
HAS HE BEEN? YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
LADY PARTRIDGE I'M AFRAID YOU CAN CANCEL HIS SEAT RESERVATION.
OH, AND IT WAS BACK TO THE ENGINE, FOURTH COACH ALONG SO THAT HE COULD SEE THE GRADIENT SIGNS OUTSIDE SWANBOROUGH.
NOT ANY MORE, LADY PARTRIDGE.
THE LINE'S BEEN CLOSED.
CLOSED? NOT SWANBOROUGH.
I'M AFRAID SO.
ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE.
I'M INSPECTOR DAVIS OF SCOTLAND YARD.
MY WORD, YOU WERE HERE QUICKLY, INSPECTOR.
YEAH, I GOT THE 8:55 PULLMAN EXPRESS FROM KING'S CROSS AND MISSED THAT BI AROUND HORNCHURCH.
IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN.
IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN.
OH, IT'S AN EXCELLENT TRAIN.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
All: TONY! WHERE IS DADDY? OH, GOLLY.
HAS HE BEEN? All: YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
THEN, HE WON'T BE NEEDING HIS RESERVATION ON THE 10:15.
EXACTLY.
AND I SUPPOSE AS HIS ELDEST SON IT MUST GO TO ME.
JUST A MINUTE, TONY.
THERE'S A SMALL MATTER OF MURDER.
OH! OH, BUT SURELY HE SIMPLY SHO HIMSELF AND THEN HID THE GUN.
HOW COULD ANYONE SHOOT HIMSELF AND THEN HIDE THE GUN WITHOUT FIRST CANCELING HIS RESERVATION? HA, HA.
WELL, I MUST DASH OR I'LL BE LATE FOR THE 10:15.
I SUGGES YOU MURDERED YOUR FATHER FOR HIS SEAT RESERVATION.
I MAY HAVE HAD THE MOTIVE, INSPECTOR BUT I COULD NO HAVE DONE I FOR I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED FROM GILLINGHAM ON THE 8:13 AND HERE IS MY RESTAURAN CAR TICKET TO PROVE IT.
BUT THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM DOESN'T HAVE A RESTAURANT CAR.
IT'S A STANDING BUFFET ONLY.
OH, AH DID I SAY THE 8:13? I MEANT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN.
BUT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN ARRIVED AT SWINDON AT 8:19 OWING TO ANNUAL POINT MAINTENANCE AT WISBOROUGH JUNCTION.
SO HOW DID YOU MAKE THE CONNECTION WITH THE 8:13, WHICH LEFT SIX MINUTES EARLIER? OH, AH, SIMPLE.
I CAUGH THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL ARRIVING AT SWINDON AT 8:09.
BUT THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL ONLY STOPS AT SWINDON ON ALTERNATE SATURDAYS.
YES, SURELY YOU MEAN THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL.
OH, YES! HOW DAFT OF ME.
OF COURSE, I CAME ON THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL CALLING AT BEDFORD, COLMWORTH, FEN DITTON, SUTTON WALLINGTON AND GILLINGHAM.
THAT'S SUNDAYS ONLY.
DAMN.
ALL RIGHT, I CONFESS.
I DID IT.
I KILLED HIM FOR HIS RESERVATION BUT YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE.
I'M GOING TO THROW MYSELF UNDER THE 10:12 FROM READING.
DON'T BE A FOOL, TONY! DON'T DO IT! THE 10:12 HAS THE NEW NARROW TRACTION BOGIES.
YOU WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
EXACTLY.
(dramatic chord) Announcer: THAT WAS AN EXCERP FROM THE LATEST WEST END HI IT ALL HAPPENED ON THE 11:20 FROM HAINAULT TO REDHILL VIA HORSHAM AND REIGATE, CALLING AT CARSHALTON BEECHES MALMESBURY, TOOTING BEC AND CROYDON WEST.
THE AUTHOR IS MR.
NEVILLE SHUNT.
CHUFF, CHUFF, CHUFF, WOOOOOCH, WOOOOOCH! DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM.
TOOT! TOOT! THE TRAIN IS NOW STANDING AT PLATFORM EIGHT, TCH, TCH, TCH.
DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, CHUFFFF CHUFFFFFFFF EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA VOOOOOMMMMM! SOME PEOPLE HAVE MADE THE MISTAKE OF SEEING SHUNT'S WORK AS A LOAD OF RUBBISH ABOUT RAILWAY TIMETABLES BUT CLEVER PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO TALK LOUDLY IN RESTAURANTS SEE THIS AS A DELIBERATE AMBIGUITY A PLEA FOR UNDERSTANDING IN A MECHANIZED WORLD.
THE POINTS ARE FROZEN, THE BEAST IS DEAD.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? WHAT, INDEED, IS THE POINT? THE POINT IS FROZEN.
THE BEAST IS LATE OUT OF PADDINGTON.
THE POINT IS TAKEN.
IF LA FONTAINE'S ELK WOULD SPURN TOM JONES THE ENGINE MUST BE OUR HEAD, THE DINING CAR OUR ESOPHAGUS THE GUARD'S VAN OUR LEFT LUNG, THE CATTLE TRUCK OUR SHINS THE FIRST-CLASS COMPARTMEN THE PIECE OF SKIN AT THE NAPE OF THE NECK AND THE LEVEL CROSSING AN ELECTRIC ELK CALLED SIMON.
THE CLARITY IS DEVASTATING, BUT WHERE IS THE AMBIGUITY? IT'S OVER THERE IN A BOX.
SHUNT IS SAYING THE 8:15 FROM GILLINGHAM WHEN IN REALITY, HE MEANS THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM.
THE TRAIN IS THE SAME, ONLY THE TIME IS ALTERED.
ECCE HOMO, ERGO ELK.
LA FONTAINE KNEW HIS SISTER AND KNEW HER BLOODY WELL.
THE POINT IS TAKEN.
THE BEAST IS MOLTING.
THE FLUFF GETS UP YOUR NOSE.
THE ILLUSION IS COMPLETE.
IT IS REALITY, THE REALITY IS ILLUSION AND THE AMBIGUITY IS THE ONLY TRUTH BUT IS THE TRUTH, AS HITCHCOCK OBSERVES, IN THE BOX? NO, THERE ISN'T ROOM THE AMBIGUITY HAS PUT ON WEIGHT.
THE POINT IS TAKEN, THE ELK IS DEAD.
THE BEAST STOPS AT SWINDON, CHABROL STOPS AT NOTHING I'M HAVING TREATMENT, AND LA FONTAINE CAN GET KNOTTED.
GAVIN MILLAR RRRRRRRRRRR.
WAS NOT TALKING TO NEVILLE SHUNT.
FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER WE TURN TO THE WORLD OF DENTAL HYGIENE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER WE TURN TO THE SILVER SCREEN.
WE HONOR ONE OF THE SILVER SCREEN'S OUTSTANDING WRITER-DENTISTS, UH, WRITER-DIRECTORS MARTIN CURRY, WHO IS VISITING LONDON TO HAVE A TOOTH OUT, FOR THE PRE-MOLAR, UH, PREMIERE OF HIS FILLING, FILM, NEXT TOOTHDAY, TUESDA Y AT THE DENTAL THEATRE, FILM THEATRE.
MARTIN CURRY, TALKING TO MATTHEW PALATE, PADGET.
MARTIN CURRY, WELCOME.
ONE OF THE BIG TEETH, UH, BIG POINTS THAT THE AMERICAN CRITICS MADE ABOUT YOUR LATEST FILM, THE TWELVE CAESARS WAS THAT IT WAS ON SO ALL-EMBRACING A TOPIC.
WHAT MADE YOU UNDERTAKE SO ENORMOUS A TUSK? TASK? I'VE ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN IMPERIAL ROME RIGHT FROM JULIUS CAESAR RIGHT THROUGH TO VETHPATHIAN.
WHO? VETHPATHIAN.
OH.
VESPASIAN.
YES, YES.
WELL, WHEN I SAW YOUR FILM IT DID SEEM TO ME THAT YOU HAD TAKEN A RATHER, UM, SUBJECTIVE APPROACH TO IT.
I'M SORRY? WELL, I MEAN ALL YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS HAD THESE ENORMOUS, WELL, NOT ENORMOUS, BUT, UH THESE, UM, VERY BIG, UM WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT A CLIP IN WHICH JULIUS INCISOR, CAESAR TALKS TO HIS GENERALS DURING THE BATTLE AGAINST CARACTATUS.
I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL.
SHALL I ORDER THE CAVALRY THAT THEY MAY HIDE THEMSELVES IN THE WOOD, O CAESAR? THUS, O CAESAR! THUS, O CAESAR! TODAY IS ABOUT TO BE A TRIUMPH FOR OUR NATIVE COUNTRY.
WELL, MARTIN CURRY, WHY DO ALL YOUR CHARACTERS HAVE THESE VERY BIG, UM VERY BIG, UH TEETH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, I MEAN, UH EVEN IN YOUR BIBLICAL EPIC, THE SON OF MAN JOHN THE BAPTIST HAD THE MOS ENORMOUS DENTAL APPENDAGES AND OF COURSE, UM HIMSELF HAD THE MOST MONUMENTAL IVORIES.
WELL, I'M AFRAID I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL.
UM.
WELL, WHILE WE'RE WAITING LOOK, COULD I HAVE A STRAW? OH, A STRAW.
YES, YES.
WELL, WHILE WE'RE DOING THAT, UH PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE A LOOK AT AN EARLIER FILM, TRAFALGAR.
COVER MY COAT, MR.
BUSH.
THE MEN MUST NOT KNOW OF THIS TILL VICTORY IS OURS.
THE SURGEON'S COMING, SIR.
NO, TELL THE SURGEON TO ATTEND THE MEN THAT CAN BE SAVED.
HE CAN DO LITTLE FOR ME, I FEAR.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
HARDY! HARDY! SIR? HARDY KISS ER, PUT YOUR HAND ON MY THIGH.
HUH.
WELL, MARTIN CURRY, THANK YOU.
UH WELL, WE ASKED THE FIRST-NIGHT AUDIENCE WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THAT FILM.
IT WASN'T TRUE TO LIFE.
YES, IT WAS.
NO, IT WASN'T.
I THOUGH IT WAS TOTALLY BIZARRE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR OVER 40 YEARS AND I THINK THE IMPORTANCE OF LOOKING AFTER POOR PEOPLE CANNOT BE UNDERSTRESSED.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 20 YEARS AND I MUST ADMIT, I'M LOST.
Well, I've been in the city all my life and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY SINCE I WAS TWO AND CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT.
STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT.
OH, DEAR MR.
BULSTRODE'S STUCK AGAIN.
STUCK IN A RUT.
I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT.
WELL, I HAVE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 30 YEARS AND I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED BEING A NASTY, GREEDY, COLD-HEARTED AVARICIOUS, MONEY-GRUBBER CONSERVATIVE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY ABOUT 27 YEARS AND I'D LIKE TO SEE THE REINTRODUCTION OF FLOGGING.
EVERY THURSDAY, ROUND AT MY PLACE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE SEA FOR 33 YEARS AND I'VE NEVER REGRETTED IT.
NEITHER HAVE I.
NEITHER HAVE I.
YES, QUITE SO.
I THINK IT MUST BE A NATURALIST OUTING.
NO, I THINK IT MUST BE ONE OF THEM CRACKPOT RELIGIONS.
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE SORT OF ABUSE WE GET ALL THE TIME FROM IGNORANT PEOPLE.
I INHERITED THIS RELIGION FROM MY FATHER AN EX-USED CAR SALESMAN AND PART-TIME WINDOW BOX AND I AM VERY PROUD TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE FIRST RELIGION WITH FREE GIFTS.
YOU GET THIS LUXURY TEA TROLLEY WITH EVERY NEW ENROLLMENT.
IN ADDITION TO THIS, YOU CAN WIN A THREE-PIECE LOUNGE SUITE THIS LUXURY CARAVAN A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH PETER BONETTI AND TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE: THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL.
(organ fanfare) AND REMEMBER, WITH ONLY EIGHT SCORING DRAWS YOU CAN WIN A BISHOPRIC IN A SEE OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.
YOU SEE, WE HAVE A MUCH MORE MODERN APPROACH TO RELIGION.
(rattling) BLESSED IS ARTHUR CRACKPOT AND ALL ITS SUBSIDIARIES, LIMITED.
YOU SEE, IN OUR CHURCH, WE HAVE A LOT MORE FUN.
OH, MRS.
COLLINS YOU DID SAY YOU WERE NERVOUS, DIDN'T YOU? YOU HAVE EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE? I DON'T MIND, I DON'T MIND.
IT'S JUST NICE TO BE HERE, REVEREND.
ARCHDEACON.
WELL, YOU HAVE EYES FOR THE COFFEE MACHINE SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE WON.
YOU CHOSE HYMN 437.
OH, MRS.
COLLINS.
YOU HAD EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE.
WELL, YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE: THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL! (canned applause) I'VE GOT ONE ALREADY.
A LOT OF RELIGIONS NO NAMES, NO PACK DRILL DO GO FOR THE POORER TYPE OF PERSON.
FACE IT: THERE'S MORE OF THEM POOR PEOPLE, THIEVES, VILLAINS POOR PEOPLE WITHOUT NO MONEY AT ALL.
WELL, WE DON'T HAVE NONE OF THAT TAT.
RICH PEOPLE AND CRUMPET OVER 16 CAN ENTER FREE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS: QUITE WELCOME LOWER MIDDLE CLASS: NOT UNDER FIVE GRAND A YEAR LOWER CLASS: I CAN'T TOUCH IT.
THERE'S NO RETURN ON IT, YOU SEE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY DIFFICULTY CONVERTING PEOPLE? UH, NO.
WELL, WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING THEM JOIN.
NORMAN, THERE, DOES A LOT OF CONVERTING A LOT OF PROTECTION, THAT SORT OF THING.
AND THERE'S HIS MATE, BRUCE BEER.
BRUCY HAS PERSONALLY CONVERTED 92 PEOPLE 25 INSIDE THE DISTANCE.
THEN AGAIN, WE'RE NOT AFRAID TO USE MORE MODERN METHODS.
SARAH, TODAY'S DIOCESAN LOVELY IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ANY CHAP GO DOWN ON HIS KNEES.
THIS 23-YEAR-OLD BISHOP HAILS, APPROPRIATELY ENOUGH FROM BISHOP'S STORTFORD AND LISTS HER HOBBIES AS SWIMMING, RIDING AND FILM PRODUCERS.
WHAT A GAS! BET SHE'S NO NOVICE WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERTING ALL IN HER SEE.
(rasping): BASICALLY I BELIEVE IN PEACE AND BASHING TWO BRICKS TOGETHER.
I'M STARTING A WAR FOR PEACE.
(phlegmatic coughing) COR BLIMEY! I'M RAISING POLECATS FOR PEACE.
PEACE? I LIKE A PEACE.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SAY NO MORE.
NUDGE, NUDGE.
OUR RELIGION IS THE FIRST CHURCH TO CATER FOR THE NAUGHTY TYPE OF PERSON.
IF YOU'D LIKE A BI OF LOVE-YOUR-NEIGHBOR AND WHO DOESN'T NOW AND AGAIN THEN SEE VERA AND CICELEY DURING THE HYMNS.
IN OUR CHURCH, WE TRY TO HELP PEOPLE TO HELP THEMSELVES TO CARS, WASHING MACHINES, LEAD PIPING NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
WE'RE THE ONLY CHURCH, APART FROM THE BAPTISTS TO DO RE-SPRAY JOBS.
WE IN THE CHURCH OF THE DIVINE LOONY BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER TO TURN THE HEAD PURPLE.
(hysterical laughter) I WOULD LIKE TO COME IN HERE FOR A MOMENT, IF I MAY AND DISASSOCIATE OUR CHURCH FROM THESE FRIVOLOUS AND OFFENSIVE RELIGIONS.
WE ARE PRIMARILY CONCERNED WITH WHAT IS BEST (phone ringing) HELLO? OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT ALLIED BREWERIES? ALL RIGHT, BUT KEEP THE RIO TINTO.
FOR THE HUMAN SOUL.
IN OUR CHURCH, WE BELIEVE, FIRST AND FOREMOST, IN YOU.
(grumbling) WE WANT YOU TO THINK OF US AS YOUR FRIEND.
(grumbling) IN THIS PICTURE, THERE ARE 40 PEOPLE.
NONE OF THEM CAN BE SEEN.
IN THIS FILM, WE HOPE TO SHOW YOU HOW NOT TO BE SEEN.
THIS IS MR.
E.
R.
BRADSHAW OF NAPIER COUR BLACK LION ROAD, SE5.
HE CANNOT BE SEEN.
NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK HIM TO STAND UP.
MR.
BRADSHAW, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE? (gunshot) THIS DEMONSTRATES THE VALUE OF NOT BEING SEEN.
IN THIS PICTURE, WE CANNOT SEE MRS.
B.
J.
SMEGMA OF 13, THE CRESCENT, BELMONT.
MRS.
SMEGMA, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE? (gunshot) THIS IS MR.
NESBIT OF HARLOW, NEW TOWN.
MR.
NESBITT, WOULD YOU STAND UP, PLEASE? MR.
NESBITT HAS LEARNT THE FIRS LESSON OF NOT BEING SEEN NOT TO STAND UP.
HOWEVER, HE HAS CHOSEN A VERY OBVIOUS PIECE OF COVER.
MR.
E.
V.
LAMBERT OF HOMELEIGH, THE BURROWS, OSWESTRY HAS PRESENTED US WITH A POSER.
WE DO NOT KNOW WHICH BUSH HE IS BEHIND BUT WE CAN SOON FIND OUT.
(muffled scream) YES, IT WAS THE MIDDLE ONE.
MR.
KEN ANDREWS OF LEIGHTON ROAD, SLOUGH HAS CONCEALED HIMSELF EXTREMELY WELL.
HE COULD BE ALMOST ANYWHERE.
HE COULD BE BEHIND THE WALL, INSIDE THE WATER BARREL BENEATH A PILE OF LEAVES, UP IN THE TREE SQUATTING DOWN BEHIND THE CAR, CONCEALED IN A HOLLOW OR CROUCHED BEHIND ANY ONE OF A HUNDRED BUSHES.
HOWEVER, WE HAPPEN TO KNOW HE'S IN THE WATER BARREL.
MR.
AND MRS.
WATSON OF IVY COTTAGE, WORPLESDON ROAD, HULL CHOSE A VERY CUNNING WAY OF NOT BEING SEEN.
WHEN WE CALLED AT THEIR HOUSE WE FOUND THEY HAD GONE AWAY ON TWO WEEKS' HOLIDAY.
THEY HAD NOT LEF ANY FORWARDING ADDRESS AND THEY HAD BOLTED AND BARRED THE HOUSE TO PREVENT US GETTING IN.
HOWEVER, A NEIGHBOR TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE.
(people screaming) AND HERE IS THE NEIGHBOR WHO TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE.
(grunts) NOBODY LIKES A CLEVER DICK.
AND THIS IS WHERE HE LIVED.
AND THIS IS WHERE LORD LANGDON LIVED WHO REFUSED TO SPEAK TO US AND SO DID THE GENTLEMAN WHO LIVED HERE AND HERE AND, OF COURSE, HERE AND MANCHESTER AND THE WEST MIDLANDS SPAIN CHINA (mad laughter) (laughter continues) AH.
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE HAVE TO STOP THE FILM THERE AS SOME OF THE SCENES WHICH FOLLOWED WERE OF A VIOLENT NATURE WHICH MIGHT PROVE DISTRESSING TO SOME OF OUR VIEWERS THOUGH NOT TO ME, I CAN TELL YOU.
(clears throat) IN NOVA SCOTIA TODAY MR.
ROY BENT OF NORTH WALSHAM IN NORFOLK BECAME THE FIRST MAN TO CROSS THE ATLANTIC ON A TRICYCLE.
HIS TRICYCLE, SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR THE CROSSING WAS 90-FOOT LONG WITH A PROTECTIVE STEEL HULL THREE FUNNELS, 17 FIRST-CLASS CABINS AND A RADAR SCANNER.
MR.
BENT IS IN OUR DURHAM STUDIOS WHICH IS RATHER UNFORTUNATE AS WE'RE ALL DOWN HERE IN LONDON.
AND IN LONDON IN LONDON, I HAVE WITH ME MR.
LUDOVIC GRAYSON THE MAN WHO SCORED ALL SIX GOALS IN ARSENAL'S 1-NIL VICTORY OVER THE TURKISH CHAMPIONS FC BOTTY.
LUDOVIC, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE VICTORY.
THANK YOU, DAVID.
IT SHOULD SEND YOU BACK TO BOTTY WITH A BIG LEAD.
OH, YES.
WELL, WE'RE FAIRLY CONFIDENT, DAVID.
WELL, AT THE MOMENT, LUDOVIC YOU'RE CROUCHING DOWN INSIDE A FILING CABINET.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID.
I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SEEN.
I SEE.
IS THIS THROUGH FEAR? OH, NO, NO.
IT'S COMMON SENSE, REALLY.
IF THEY CAN'T SEE YOU, THEY CAN'T GET YOU.
HA, HA, HA, BUT, OF COURSE, THEY CAN STILL HEAR YOU.
HUH? (explosion) (screams) (clattering) LUDOVIC GRAYSON, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT.
AND WE END THE SHOW WITH MUSIC AND HERE WITH THEIR VERY LATEST RECORDING: "YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I'VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY" JACKIE CHARLTON AND THE TONETTES.
(bass and drum riff intro) YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY AND I FEEL LIKE A-LOVIN' YOU LOVE, YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET THING GOOD-ENOUGH-TO-EAT THING AND THAT'S JUST WHA I'M GONNA DO OOH, LOVE, TO HOLD YA OOH, LOVE, TO KISS YA OOH, LOVE, I LOVE IT SO OOH, LOVE, YOU'RE SWEETER SWEETER THAN SUGAR OOH, LOVE, I WON'T LET YOU GO (instrumental break) YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY AND AS SILLY AS THAT MAY SEEM THE LOVIN' THAT YOU'RE GIVIN' IS WHAT KEEPS ME LIVIN' AND YOUR LOVE IS LIKE PEACHES AND CREAM KINDA LIKE SUGAR KINDA LIKE SPICES KINDA LIKE I LOVE WHAT YOU DO KINDA SOUNDS FUNNY BUT YOUR LOVE, HONEY HONEY, I LOVE YOU BAA, BAA-DA-DA-DA (laughter) YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY HAVE JUST MISSED MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS HERE IT IS AGAIN.
THE LOVIN' THAT YOU'RE GIVIN' IS WHAT KEEPS ME LIVIN' AND LOVE IS LIKE PEACHES AND CREAM KINDA LIKE SUGAR