Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e08 Episode Script
The Cycling Tour
AUGUST 18 FELL OFF NEAR BOVEY TRACEY.
THE PUMP CAUGH IN MY TROUSER LEG.
MY PUMP CAUGH IN MY TROUSER LEG AND MY SANDWICHES WERE BADLY CRUSHED.
35p, PLEASE.
THESE SANDWICHES, HOWEVER WERE AN EXCELLEN SUBSTITUTE.
GIVE US TEN WOODS, BARNEY.
HELLO.
IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T I HOW ONE CAN GO THROUGH LIFE AS I HAVE DISLIKING BANANAS AND BEING INDIFFEREN TO CHEESE BUT STILL BE ABLE TO EAT AND EN JOY A BANANA-AND-CHEESE SANDWICH LIKE THIS.
35p.
AH! OH, I HAVE ONLY A 50.
DO YOU HAVE CHANGE? WELL, I'LL HAVE TO LOOK, BU I MAY HAVE TO GO TO THE BANK.
I'M MOST AWFULLY SORRY.
15p.
OH, WHA A STROKE OF LUCK.
WELL, ALL THE VERY BEST AND THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THE EXCELLENT BANANA- AND-CHEESE DELICACY.
AUGUST 23 FELL OFF NEAR BUDLEIGH SALTERTON.
AND THE PUMP GOT CAUGH IN MY TROUSER LEG AND THAT'S HOW THEY WERE DAMAGED.
THE EGGS YOU REMEMBER THE HARD-BOILED EGGS I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
THEY WERE IN A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER REPUTEDLY SELF-SEALING WHICH FELL OPEN UPON CONTAC WITH THE TAR-MACADAM SURFACE OF THE ROAD THE B-489, THE DAWLISH ROAD.
THAT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN TO A SELF-SEALING CONTAINER NOW, SHOULD IT? WHAT DO YOU KEEP YOUR HARD-BOILED EGGS IN? I THINK IN FUTURE I WILL LASH THEM TO THE HANDLEBARS WITH ADHESIVE TAPE! THIS SHOULD OBVIATE A RECURRENCE OF THE SAME PROBLEM! WELL, I CAN'T STAND AROUND HERE CHATTING ALL DAY! I'M ON A CYCLING TOUR OF NORTH CORNWALL! MUST BE OFF! AUGUST 26 FELL OFF NEAR OTTERY ST.
MARY.
THE PUMP CAUGH IN MY TROUSER LEG.
DECIDE TO WEAR SHORT TROUSERS FROM NOW ON.
FELL OFF NEAR TIVERTON.
PERHAPS A SHORTER PUMP IS THE ANSWER.
EXCUSE ME, MADAM.
I WONDER IF YOU COULD TELL ME OF A GOOD BICYCLE SHOP IN THIS VILLAGE WHERE I COULD EITHER FIND A MEANS OF ADAPTING MY PRESENT PUMP OR, FAILING THAT, OF PURCHASING A REPLACEMENT.
THERE'S ONLY ONE SHOP HERE.
WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK.
NOW PERHAPS CYCLING WILL BECOME LESS PRECARIOUS.
YES? UH A MR.
PITHER TO SEE YOU, DOCTOR.
HIS BICYCLE PUMP GOT CAUGHT IN HIS SOCK.
OH, THANK YOU, NURSE, SHOW HIM IN, PLEASE.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
GOOD MORNING.
AND A VERY GOOD MORNING TO YOU, TOO, DOCTOR.
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT.
THAT'S RIGHT, MY PUMP GOT CAUGHT IN YOUR SOCK.
ABSOLUTELY, YES.
AND MY FRUIT CAKE WAS DAMAGED ON ONE SIDE.
IT'S GOT GRIT ALL OVER IT.
ARE YOU IN PAIN? OH, HEAVENS, NO.
AH, WELL, WHERE ARE YOU HURT? OH, FORTUNATELY, I ESCAPED WITHOUT IN JURY.
WELL, WHAT IS THE TROUBLE? PLEASE, COULD YOU TELL ME THE WAY TO IDDESLEIGH? I'M A DOCTOR, YOU KNOW.
OH, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
NORMALLY, I WOULD HAVE ASKED A POLICEMAN OR A MINISTER OF THE CHURCH BUT FINDING NO ONE AVAILABLE, I THOUGHT IT BETTER TO CONSUL A PROFESSIONAL MAN RATHER THAN RELY ON THE POSSIBLY CONFUSED TESTIMONY OF A PASSERBY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
TAKE THIS TO A CHEMIST.
THANK YOU.
SEPTEMBER 2 DID NOT FALL OFF OUTSIDE IDDESLEIGH.
FELL OFF IN TA VISTOCK.
MY FOOT CAUGHT IN MY TROUSER LEG AND THAT'S HOW THE BOTTLE BROKE.
TELL HER TODAY YOU COULD RING HER.
I CAN'T, I CAN'T.
I SAID YOU'D NEVER GUESS.
16 YEARS WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER.
I CAN'T JUS RING HER UP.
WELL, IF YOU CAN'T DO IT NOW, YOU NEVER WILL.
DO YOU LIKE TIZER? WHAT? DO YOU WANT ME OR NOT, JAMES? IT'S YOUR DECISION.
I SUPPOSE IT IS STILL AVAILABLE IN THIS AREA, IS IT? DO YOU WANT ME OR NOT, JAMES? WHAT? A TIZER! YES OR NO? IS IT STILL AVAILABLE IN THIS AREA? I DON'T KNOW.
I SEE IN THAT CASE IT'S GOOD-BYE FOREVER, JAMES.
NO! I MEAN YES! OH, IT IS, IS IT? NO! OH! YOU NEVER COULD MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
I CAN.
GOOD-BYE, JAMES.
I HAVE.
NO, WAIT, LUCILLE! DOES YOUR LOVELY LITTLE DAUGHTER LIKE TIZER, EH? LUCILLE! WOULDN'T MIND BUYING HER A BOTTLE OF TIZER IF IT'S STILL AVAILABLE IN THIS AREA.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SHOW YOU THE DOOR? OH, THAT'S EXTREMELY KIND OF YOU BUT I SAW I ON THE WAY IN.
YOU STUPID, INTERFERING LITTLE RAT! I'M KIND OF CONFUSED.
I HAD JUST FALLEN OFF MY BICYCLE THIS IS MOST KIND OF YOU AND MY LEMON CURD TARTLET HAD DAMN YOUR LEMON CURD TART! JUST HAD A CHA WITH YOUR DAD.
MY RUBBER INSTEP CAUGH ON THE REAR MUDGUARD STANCHION AND REALLY? AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CORNED BEEF ROLLS? THE CORNED BEEF ROLLS WERE CRUSHED OUT OF ALL HERE, HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOU MY CORNED BEEF ROLLS? I NOTICED THEM OR WHA REMAINED OF THEM IN THE ROAD.
I NOTICED ALSO THA THE LEMON CURD TAR HAD SUSTAINED SOME SUPERFICIAL DAMAGE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE CURD HAD BECOME DETACHED FROM THE PASTRY BASE.
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, YES.
OTHERWISE, THE CONTENTS OF THE SANDWICH BOX WERE RELATIVELY UNHARMED ALTHOUGH I DETECTED SMALL PARTICLES OF BITUMEN IN THE CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES.
BUT THEY WERE WRAPPED IN FOIL.
NOT THE HARD CHOCOLATE TOP, I'M AFRAID.
OH, THAT'S THE BIT I LIKE.
THE SAUSAGE ROLL, THE CRISPS AND THE GINGER BISCUI WERE UNSCATHED.
HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT CYCLING? WELL, I'M MAKING A SPECIAL STUDY OF ACCIDENTS INVOLVING FOOD.
YES DO YOU KNOW, IN OUR LABORATORIES WE HAVE DEVELOPED A CHEESE SANDWICH THAT CAN WITHSTAND AN IMPACT OF UP TO 4,000 POUNDS PER SQUARE INCH? GOOD HEAVENS! AMAZING, ISN'T IT? WE'VE ALSO DEVELOPED A TOMATO WHICH CAN EJECT ITSELF WHEN AN ACCIDENT IS IMMINENT.
EVEN WHEN IT'S IN AN EGG AND TOMATO ROLL? ANYWHERE, EVEN IF IT'S IN YOUR STOMACH.
IF IT SENSES AN ACCIDEN IT WILL COME UP YOUR THROA AND OUT OF THE WINDOW.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? SAFER FOOD! EXACTLY.
NO LONGER WILL FOOD BE SQUASHED, CRUSHED AND DAMAGED BY THE IGNORANCE AND STUPIDITY OF THE DRIVER.
WHOLE PICNICS WILL BE BUIL TO WITHSTAND THE MOS ENORMOUS FORCES! SNACKS WILL BE SAFER THAN EVER! A SIMPLE PO OF SALAD DRESSING TREATED IN OUR LABORATORIES HAS BEEN SUBJECTED TO THE IMPAC OF A 4,000-POUND STEAM HAMMER EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS, AND HAS IT BROKEN? WELL UH YES, OF COURSE IT HAS.
BUT THERE ARE OTHER IDEAS SAFETY STRAPS FOR SARDINES, FOR EXAMPLE.
HERE, THAT TOMATO HAS JUST EJECTED ITSELF! REALLY? IT WORKS! IT WORKS! WHAT A STRANGE TURN THIS CYCLING TOUR HAS TAKEN.
MR.
GULLIVER APPEARS TO HAVE LOST HIS MEMORY AND FAR FROM BEING INTERESTED IN SAFER FOOD IS NOW CONVINCED THAT HE IS CLODAGH ROGERS, THE YOUNG GIRL SINGER.
I AM TAKING HIM FOR MEDICAL ATTENTION.
IS THIS THE CASUALTY DEPARTMENT? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? I AM AT PRESEN ON A CYCLING TOUR OF THE NORTH CORNWALL AREA TAKING IN BUDE AND YES, COULD I HAVE YOUR NAME, PLEASE? AH, MY NAME IS PITHER.
WHAT? P-I-T-H-E-R AS IN "BROTHERHOOD" EXCEPT WITH P-I INSTEAD OF THE B-R-O AND NO "HOOD.
" YES, I SEE.
I HAVE JUS VISITED TAUNTON SHH! I WAS CYCLING NORTH TOWARDS YES, WHERE WERE YOU IN JURED? JUST WHERE THE A-237 ILFRACOMBE ROAD MEETS THE ON YOUR BODY.
AH, NO, IT'S NOT I WHO WAS IN JURED, IT'S MY FRIEND.
NAME? PITHER.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOUR FRIEND'S NAME.
OH, CLODAGH ROGERS.
CLODAGH ROGERS?! WELL, ONLY SINCE ABOUT 4:30 YES, I THINK YOU'D BETTER TALK TO DR.
WU.
DOCTOR! WHAT? DAMN! I AM ON A CYCLING TOUR OF NORTH CORNWALL, TAKING IN HE THINKS HE'S HAD AN ACCIDENT.
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO, AS A RESULT OF HIS IN JURIES THINKS HE IS CLODAGH ROGERS.
HE WHAT? WELL, WHA HAPPENED WAS SEPTEMBER 4 WELL, I NEVER.
WE ARE NOW IN THE ALPES MARITIMES REGION OF SOUTHERN FRANCE.
CLODAGH SEEMS MORE INTEN ON REACHING MOSCOW THAN ON REHEARSING HER NEW BBC 2 SERIES WITH BUDDY RICH AND THE YOUNGER GENERATION.
OH, HELLO.
WE CANNOT STAY HERE.
WE MUST LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
THERE IS A SHIP IN MARSEILLES.
I DID EN JOY YOUR SONG FOR EUROPE, CLODAGH.
I HAVE SEEN AN AGEN IN THE TOWN.
MY LIFE IS IN DANGER! DANGER, CLODAGH? STALIN HAS ALWAYS HATED ME! NO ONE HATES YOU, CLODAGH.
I WILL NOT LET MYSELF FALL INTO THE HANDS OF THESE SCUM! I THINK YOU SHOULD GO AND HAVE A LITTLE LIE DOWN, MY DEAR.
THERE'S A BUSY DAY TOMORROW OF CONCERTS AND PROMOTIONAL TOURS.
I?! WHO WAS ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF THE GREATES NATION ON EARTH?! I?! WHOM LENIN HAS CALLED HIS GREATEST FRIEND?! TAISEZ-VOUS, TAISEZ-VOUS! OH, DEAR.
I?! WHO HAVE WORKED ALL MY LIFE THAT MY PEOPLE SHOULD LIVE?! QU'EST-CE QUE LE BRUIT? C'EST IMPOSSIBLE! OH, MY NAME IS PITHER.
UH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M ON A CYCLING TOUR OF NORTH CORNWALL I WILL NO BE DEFEATED! I WILL RETURN TO MY COUNTRY TO FIGHT AGAINS THIS NEW TYRANNY! THIS IS CLODAGH ROGERS, THE IRISH-BORN GIRL SINGER.
O, MAIS OUI, C'EST CLODAGH ROGERS "JACK IN THE BOX"! GENEVIEVE! PAUL! C'EST CLODAGH ROGERS LA FAMEUSE CHANTEUSE ANGLAISE.
I WILL NEVER SURRENDER! I WILL NEVER EXCUSEZ-MOI, MADAME CLODAGH.
ECRIVEZ-VOUS VOTRE NOM DANS MON LIVRE DES HOMMES CELEBRES, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
LA, AU-DESSOUS DE LE DENIS COMPTON.
MAMAN! CE N'EST PAS LA BELLE CLODAGH.
QUOI? C'EST TROTSKY, LE REVOLUTIONNAIRE! TROTSKY?! MAIS IL NE CHANTE PAS.
IL CHANTE UN PEU.
MAIS PAS PROFESSIONNELLEMENT.
TU PENSES DE LENIN.
AH! LENIN, EH? QUEL CHANTEUR! LENIN! MY FRIEND! I COME! EXCUSE HER SHE'S NOT BEEN VERY WELL RECENTLY PRESSURE OF WORK, LARYNGITIS, YOU KNOW ET AUSSI MONSIEUR KERENSKY AVEC LE LITTLE WHITE BULL, HEIN? O, FORMIDABLE! LENIN! CLODAGH LENIN! I COME! ; LENIN MY FRIEND I COME! LENIN! CLODAGH! LENIN! JE T'AIME.
MAURICE, REGARDEZ! C'EST LA CHANTEUSE ANGLAISE, CLODAGH ROGERS.
AFTER SEVERAL DAYS I SUCCEEDED IN TRACKING DOWN MY FRIEND MR.
GULLIVER ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF SMOLENSK.
SMOLENSK, 200 MILES EAST OF MINSK 200 MILES NORTH OF KURSK 1,500 MILES WEST OF OMSK.
THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, AS WE WERE SO FAR FROM HOME AND AS MR.
GULLIVER STILL BELIEVING HIMSELF TO BE TROTSKY WAS VERY TIRED FROM HARANGUING THE MASSES ALL THE WAY FROM MONTE CARLO MONTE CARLO, 100 MILES SOUTH OF TURIN 100 MILES EAST OF PISA, 500 MILES WEST OF BILBAO.
THANK YOU.
I DECIDED TO CHECK I DECIDED TO CHECK OH, SORRY, YOU GO ON.
I DECIDED TO CHECK HIM INTO A HOTEL WHILE I VISITED THE BRITISH EMBASSY TO ASK FOR HELP IN RETURNING TO CORNWALL.
AND SO WE REGISTERED AT THE SMOLENSK YOUNG MEN'S ANTI-CHRISTIAN ASSOCIATION.
Y.
M.
A.
C.
A CORNER OF ANTI-SEMITIC STREE AND POGROM SQUARE.
GO AWAY.
NO, NOT YOU.
A SINGLE ROOM FOR MY FRIEND, PLEASE.
YES, SIR.
BUGGED OR UNBUGGED? I THINK I'D BE HAPPIER WITH A BUGGED ONE.
RIGHT, ONE BUGGED WITH BATH.
WELL, JUST HAVE A NICE LIE DOWN AND I'LL GO DOWN TO THE EMBASSY.
TROTSKY? MY LACK OF GOD, IT'S TROTSKY! COMRADES, SOCIALISM IS NOT A OH, UH, EXCUSE ME.
IS THIS THE BRITISH CONSULATE? YES, YES, UH, SI, SI.
THAT IS CORRECTEMENT.
AH, YES.
PICCADILLY CIRCUS, MINISKIRT AND JOE LYONS.
OH, I'D LIKE TO SEE THE CONSUL, PLEASE.
YES, YES, SPEAKEE, SPEAKEE.
ME BLITISH CONSUL.
OH! YOU ARE REAR ADMIRAL SIR DUDLEY COMPTON? NO.
HE DIE.
HE HAVE HEART ATTACK AND FELL OUT OF WINDOW ONTO EXPLODING BOMB AND WAS KILLED IN A SHOOTING ACCIDENT.
AH, YES.
I HIS HOW YOU SAY, UH SUCC SUCCA SUCC SUSSOR.
OH, SUCCESSOR.
I'M HIS SUCCESSOR, MR.
ATKINSON.
OH.
WOULD YOU LIKE DRINKEE? OR GAME BINGO? OH A DRINK WOULD BE VERY NICE, YES.
OH, MR.
LIVINGSTONE, GO AND GET SAKE.
YES, BOSS.
OH HOW IS TONBLIDGE WELLS? HOW I LONG TO SEE AGAIN WALLS OF FAMOUS SHAKESPEARE-STYLE THEATER IN STLATFORD-ON-AVON.
OH, WELL, I'M A WEST COUNTRY MAN MYSELF, MR.
ATKINSON.
OH, TEXAS, ARIZONA, KIT CARSON SUPER SCOUT.
NO, NO.
WEST OF ENGLAND CORNWALL.
OH, CORON WORLL.
CORN CORNWALL.
CORONWORL, OH, YES.
KNOW CORONWORL VERY WELL.
WENT TO SCHOOL THERE.
MOTHER AND FATHER LIVE THERE, AH, YES.
GO MANY WEEKEND PARTIES AND POLO PLAYING IN BLIDGE CLUB.
BELONG MANY CLUBS IN CORONWORL.
AH, MR.
LIVINGSTONE, THANK YOU.
SAKE AND BAKEWELLS TART.
WELL, CHAPS BUTTOCKS UP! RATHER! NOW, MISTER UH, PITHER.
AH, MR.
PITHER.
WE BLITISH HERE IN SMOLENSK VERY INTERESTED IN CLICKET.
OH, CRICKET? NO, NO.
YOU NO SPEAK NO, NOT CLICKET.
CLICKET.
CLICKETTY CLICK CLICKETTY.
HOUSEY, HOUSEY, OH, BINGO! OH! BINGO! OH, BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! OH, BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! OH, BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! HSAI! BINGO! SORRY.
OUR BOYS GO VELLY EXCITED.
BINGO.
OH, SHUT FACE! NOW, MR.
PITHER PERHAPS YOU COULD PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR US SO WE CAN JOIN A VELLY SMAR BINGO CLUB IN CORONWORL.
WELL, IT'S NO REALLY MY LINE WE SIT VELLY QUIE AT BACK NOT SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT SHOU "HOUSEY! HOUSEY!" HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! OH, BINGO! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HI SKWWATI NIYHI, KEO T'SIN FEH T'SDUNG NIHI WATAI BINGO CARDS! NIHI WATAI BINGO CARDS.
NIHI WATAI BINGO CARDS? NIHI WATAI.
AH, SO.
NOW, MR.
PITHER TELL ME WHICH BETTER HACKNEY STAR BINGO OR ST.
ALBANS TOP-RANK SUITE.
WELL, I WAS HOPING THAT YOU COULD HELP ME AND MY FRIEND TO GET BACK TO ENGLAND.
HACKNEY STAR BINGO.
YOU SEE, WE'RE ON A CYCLING TOUR BINGO! BINGO! HOUSEY, HOUSEY! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO, BINGO IS MR.
TROTSKY IN HIS ROOM, PLEASE? NO.
HE HAS GONE TO MOSCOW.
MOSCOW 1,500 MILES SOUTH OF SHUT UP! MOSCOW? COME WITH US, PLEASE.
OH, WHO ARE YOU? WELL, WE'RE NOT SECRE POLICE, ANYWAY.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
IF ANYTHING, WE ARE ORDINARY SOVIET CITIZENS WITH NO PARTICULAR INTEREST IN POLITICS.
NONE AT ALL.
COME WITH US.
OH, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? WHAT DO WE TELL HIM? DON'T TELL HIM ANY SECRETS.
AGREED.
TELL HIM ANYTHING EXCEPT WE ARE TAKING HIM TO MOSCOW WHERE TROTSKY IS REUNITED WITH THE CENTRAL COMMITTEE.
WE ARE TAKING YOU TO A CLAMBAKE.
OH, A CLAMBAKE! I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ONE OF THOSE.
RIGHT, LET'S GO.
WHO'S GIVING THE ORDERS AROUND HERE? I AM I'M SENIOR TO YOU.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE A GREENGROCER.
I'M AN INSURANCE SALESMAN.
GREENGROCERS ARE SENIOR TO INSURANCE SALESMEN.
NO, THEY'RE NOT! COOL IT I'M AN ICE-CREAM SALESMAN AND I AM SENIOR TO BOTH OF YOU.
YOU'RE AN ICE-CREAM SALESMAN? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A VETERINARIAN.
I GOT PROMOTED.
LET'S GO.
TAXI! YES.
DRIVE US TO MOSCOW.
I HAVE NO CAB.
WHY NOT? I'M IN THE SECRET POLICE.
VSE NARODNIY PREDNOVICH TOVARICH TROTSKY SHI MUSKA DI SCENSAND DRA VENKA AND NOW, COMRADES, THE GREATES MOMENT OF A GREAT DAY WHEN I ASK YOU TO WELCOME THE RETURN OF ONE OF RUSSIA'S GREATEST HEROES CREATOR OF THE RED ARMY, LENIN'S GREATEST FRIEND LEV DAVIDOVICH TROTSKY! COMRADES, BOLSHEVIKS, FRIENDS OF THE REVOLUTION I AM RETURNED.
THE BLOODSTAINED SHADOW OF STALINIST REPRESSION IS PAST.
I BRING YOU THE NEW LIGH OF PERMANENT REVOLUTION.
I MAY ONCE HAVE BEEN OUSTED FROM POWER I MAY HAVE BEEN EXPELLED FROM THE PARTY IN 1927 I MAY HAVE BEEN DEPORTED IN 1926, BUT I DON'T WANT A STATE FOUNDED ON HATE AND DIVISION.
MY FRIEND MR.
GULLIVER WAS CLEARLY UNDERGOING ANOTHER CHANGE OF PERSONALITY.
SO! YOU HAVE DUPED US.
YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS.
GUARDS, SEIZE HIM! SHALL I SEIZE HIM, TOO? NO, I THINK WE'LL HAVE TO KEEP HIM.
HE'S GOING DOWN WELL.
HE'S MORE FUN THAN HE USED TO BE.
HE'S LOOSENED UP A LOT.
THIS IS AN OLD LENIN NUMBER.
APRIL 26 THROWN INTO RUSSIAN CELL.
SEVERELY DAMAGED MY MARS BAR.
SHALL I EVER SEE BUDE BUS STATION AGAIN? OH, EXCUSE ME.
WHAT A PLEASANT EXERCISE YARD.
HOW FRIENDLY THEY WERE ALL BEING.
CIGARETTE? OH, NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T SMOKE.
AFTER A FEW MOMENTS I PERCEIVED A LINE OF GENTLEMEN WITH RIFLES.
THEY WERE LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION.
I LOOKED AROUND BUT COULD NOT SEE THE TARGET.
BLINDFOLD? NO, THANK YOU, NO.
SLOWOTNY! GRYDENKA VERSCHNITZEN NYET! NYET! NYET! NYET! NYET! NYET! NYET! A TELEGRAM? FROM THE KREMLIN! THE CENTRAL COMMITTEE! IT SAYS "CARRY ON WITH THE EXECUTION" VERSCHNITZEN! NOW I WAS REALLY FOR IT.
HOW COULD YOU MISS? HE MOVED.
SHUT UP! GO AND PRACTICE.
I'M SO SORRY.
WOULD YOU MIND WAITING IN YOUR CELL? WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK MY CRUNCHIE WAS TOTALLY INTACT.
I SETTLED DOWN TO A QUICK INTER-MEAL SNACK.
NEXT TIME DEFINITELY! NOW, HOW MANY HAVE BEEN IN JURED? OH, GOD! AS I LAY DOWN TO THE SOUND OF THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMEN PRACTICING THEIR SHOOTING I REALIZED I WAS IN A BIT OF A PICKLE.
MY HEART SANK AS I REALIZED I SHOULD NEVER SEE THE OKEHAMPTON BYPASS AGAIN.
COME ON, DEAR.
WAKE UP, DEAR.
MOTHER! COME ON, DEAR.
SO IT WAS ALL A DREAM.
NO, DEAR, THIS IS THE DREAM.
YOU'RE STILL IN THE CELL.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER TRY.
I THINK WE'VE GOT IT NOW.
MY BOYS HAVE BEEN LOOKING DOWN THE WRONG BIT, YOU SEE.
OH, NO, NO.
YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK DOWN THAT BIT THERE.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO LOOK DOWN THAT BIT.
OH, NO, YOU'VE GO TO LOOK DOWN THAT BI OR YOU WON' HIT ANYTHING.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GIVE IT A WHIRL.
GUARDS, SEIZE HIM! LISTEN, YOU'VE GO TO LOOK DOWN THIS BIT.
OSLEDI, OSLEDI, OSLEDI AND NOW WITH PEE-PEE.
KON'NICHI WA.
EARTHA KITT! TRADE UNION LEADERS WE'VE DONE OUR PART.
NOW, ON BEHALF OF THE COMMUNITY WE HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPECT YOU THE TRADE UNION LEADERS, TO DO YOURS.
NYET EARTHA KITT! EDWARD HEATH.
IN UN JUSTIFIABLE WAYS.
SING "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! SING "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! THA TURNIP'S CERTAINLY NOT SAFE.
"OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! OH, NO! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! PITHER! MR.
PITHER! PITHER! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! HERE! GULLIVER! PITHER! WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK.
WELL, YES AND NO.
CHARGE! PHEW! WHA AN AMAZING ESCAPE.
WELL, GOOD-BYE, REGINALD.
GOOD-BYE, MR.
PITHER.
AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE TOUR! HUH! HEY, I I THINK HE'S FINALLY GONE! OOH, YEAH.
READY, MAURICE? RIGHT-O, KEVIN, LET'S GO.
ALL RIGHT, MAESTRO, HIT IT!
THE PUMP CAUGH IN MY TROUSER LEG.
MY PUMP CAUGH IN MY TROUSER LEG AND MY SANDWICHES WERE BADLY CRUSHED.
35p, PLEASE.
THESE SANDWICHES, HOWEVER WERE AN EXCELLEN SUBSTITUTE.
GIVE US TEN WOODS, BARNEY.
HELLO.
IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T I HOW ONE CAN GO THROUGH LIFE AS I HAVE DISLIKING BANANAS AND BEING INDIFFEREN TO CHEESE BUT STILL BE ABLE TO EAT AND EN JOY A BANANA-AND-CHEESE SANDWICH LIKE THIS.
35p.
AH! OH, I HAVE ONLY A 50.
DO YOU HAVE CHANGE? WELL, I'LL HAVE TO LOOK, BU I MAY HAVE TO GO TO THE BANK.
I'M MOST AWFULLY SORRY.
15p.
OH, WHA A STROKE OF LUCK.
WELL, ALL THE VERY BEST AND THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THE EXCELLENT BANANA- AND-CHEESE DELICACY.
AUGUST 23 FELL OFF NEAR BUDLEIGH SALTERTON.
AND THE PUMP GOT CAUGH IN MY TROUSER LEG AND THAT'S HOW THEY WERE DAMAGED.
THE EGGS YOU REMEMBER THE HARD-BOILED EGGS I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
THEY WERE IN A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER REPUTEDLY SELF-SEALING WHICH FELL OPEN UPON CONTAC WITH THE TAR-MACADAM SURFACE OF THE ROAD THE B-489, THE DAWLISH ROAD.
THAT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN TO A SELF-SEALING CONTAINER NOW, SHOULD IT? WHAT DO YOU KEEP YOUR HARD-BOILED EGGS IN? I THINK IN FUTURE I WILL LASH THEM TO THE HANDLEBARS WITH ADHESIVE TAPE! THIS SHOULD OBVIATE A RECURRENCE OF THE SAME PROBLEM! WELL, I CAN'T STAND AROUND HERE CHATTING ALL DAY! I'M ON A CYCLING TOUR OF NORTH CORNWALL! MUST BE OFF! AUGUST 26 FELL OFF NEAR OTTERY ST.
MARY.
THE PUMP CAUGH IN MY TROUSER LEG.
DECIDE TO WEAR SHORT TROUSERS FROM NOW ON.
FELL OFF NEAR TIVERTON.
PERHAPS A SHORTER PUMP IS THE ANSWER.
EXCUSE ME, MADAM.
I WONDER IF YOU COULD TELL ME OF A GOOD BICYCLE SHOP IN THIS VILLAGE WHERE I COULD EITHER FIND A MEANS OF ADAPTING MY PRESENT PUMP OR, FAILING THAT, OF PURCHASING A REPLACEMENT.
THERE'S ONLY ONE SHOP HERE.
WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK.
NOW PERHAPS CYCLING WILL BECOME LESS PRECARIOUS.
YES? UH A MR.
PITHER TO SEE YOU, DOCTOR.
HIS BICYCLE PUMP GOT CAUGHT IN HIS SOCK.
OH, THANK YOU, NURSE, SHOW HIM IN, PLEASE.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
GOOD MORNING.
AND A VERY GOOD MORNING TO YOU, TOO, DOCTOR.
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT.
THAT'S RIGHT, MY PUMP GOT CAUGHT IN YOUR SOCK.
ABSOLUTELY, YES.
AND MY FRUIT CAKE WAS DAMAGED ON ONE SIDE.
IT'S GOT GRIT ALL OVER IT.
ARE YOU IN PAIN? OH, HEAVENS, NO.
AH, WELL, WHERE ARE YOU HURT? OH, FORTUNATELY, I ESCAPED WITHOUT IN JURY.
WELL, WHAT IS THE TROUBLE? PLEASE, COULD YOU TELL ME THE WAY TO IDDESLEIGH? I'M A DOCTOR, YOU KNOW.
OH, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
NORMALLY, I WOULD HAVE ASKED A POLICEMAN OR A MINISTER OF THE CHURCH BUT FINDING NO ONE AVAILABLE, I THOUGHT IT BETTER TO CONSUL A PROFESSIONAL MAN RATHER THAN RELY ON THE POSSIBLY CONFUSED TESTIMONY OF A PASSERBY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
TAKE THIS TO A CHEMIST.
THANK YOU.
SEPTEMBER 2 DID NOT FALL OFF OUTSIDE IDDESLEIGH.
FELL OFF IN TA VISTOCK.
MY FOOT CAUGHT IN MY TROUSER LEG AND THAT'S HOW THE BOTTLE BROKE.
TELL HER TODAY YOU COULD RING HER.
I CAN'T, I CAN'T.
I SAID YOU'D NEVER GUESS.
16 YEARS WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER.
I CAN'T JUS RING HER UP.
WELL, IF YOU CAN'T DO IT NOW, YOU NEVER WILL.
DO YOU LIKE TIZER? WHAT? DO YOU WANT ME OR NOT, JAMES? IT'S YOUR DECISION.
I SUPPOSE IT IS STILL AVAILABLE IN THIS AREA, IS IT? DO YOU WANT ME OR NOT, JAMES? WHAT? A TIZER! YES OR NO? IS IT STILL AVAILABLE IN THIS AREA? I DON'T KNOW.
I SEE IN THAT CASE IT'S GOOD-BYE FOREVER, JAMES.
NO! I MEAN YES! OH, IT IS, IS IT? NO! OH! YOU NEVER COULD MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
I CAN.
GOOD-BYE, JAMES.
I HAVE.
NO, WAIT, LUCILLE! DOES YOUR LOVELY LITTLE DAUGHTER LIKE TIZER, EH? LUCILLE! WOULDN'T MIND BUYING HER A BOTTLE OF TIZER IF IT'S STILL AVAILABLE IN THIS AREA.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SHOW YOU THE DOOR? OH, THAT'S EXTREMELY KIND OF YOU BUT I SAW I ON THE WAY IN.
YOU STUPID, INTERFERING LITTLE RAT! I'M KIND OF CONFUSED.
I HAD JUST FALLEN OFF MY BICYCLE THIS IS MOST KIND OF YOU AND MY LEMON CURD TARTLET HAD DAMN YOUR LEMON CURD TART! JUST HAD A CHA WITH YOUR DAD.
MY RUBBER INSTEP CAUGH ON THE REAR MUDGUARD STANCHION AND REALLY? AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CORNED BEEF ROLLS? THE CORNED BEEF ROLLS WERE CRUSHED OUT OF ALL HERE, HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOU MY CORNED BEEF ROLLS? I NOTICED THEM OR WHA REMAINED OF THEM IN THE ROAD.
I NOTICED ALSO THA THE LEMON CURD TAR HAD SUSTAINED SOME SUPERFICIAL DAMAGE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE CURD HAD BECOME DETACHED FROM THE PASTRY BASE.
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, YES.
OTHERWISE, THE CONTENTS OF THE SANDWICH BOX WERE RELATIVELY UNHARMED ALTHOUGH I DETECTED SMALL PARTICLES OF BITUMEN IN THE CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES.
BUT THEY WERE WRAPPED IN FOIL.
NOT THE HARD CHOCOLATE TOP, I'M AFRAID.
OH, THAT'S THE BIT I LIKE.
THE SAUSAGE ROLL, THE CRISPS AND THE GINGER BISCUI WERE UNSCATHED.
HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT CYCLING? WELL, I'M MAKING A SPECIAL STUDY OF ACCIDENTS INVOLVING FOOD.
YES DO YOU KNOW, IN OUR LABORATORIES WE HAVE DEVELOPED A CHEESE SANDWICH THAT CAN WITHSTAND AN IMPACT OF UP TO 4,000 POUNDS PER SQUARE INCH? GOOD HEAVENS! AMAZING, ISN'T IT? WE'VE ALSO DEVELOPED A TOMATO WHICH CAN EJECT ITSELF WHEN AN ACCIDENT IS IMMINENT.
EVEN WHEN IT'S IN AN EGG AND TOMATO ROLL? ANYWHERE, EVEN IF IT'S IN YOUR STOMACH.
IF IT SENSES AN ACCIDEN IT WILL COME UP YOUR THROA AND OUT OF THE WINDOW.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? SAFER FOOD! EXACTLY.
NO LONGER WILL FOOD BE SQUASHED, CRUSHED AND DAMAGED BY THE IGNORANCE AND STUPIDITY OF THE DRIVER.
WHOLE PICNICS WILL BE BUIL TO WITHSTAND THE MOS ENORMOUS FORCES! SNACKS WILL BE SAFER THAN EVER! A SIMPLE PO OF SALAD DRESSING TREATED IN OUR LABORATORIES HAS BEEN SUBJECTED TO THE IMPAC OF A 4,000-POUND STEAM HAMMER EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS, AND HAS IT BROKEN? WELL UH YES, OF COURSE IT HAS.
BUT THERE ARE OTHER IDEAS SAFETY STRAPS FOR SARDINES, FOR EXAMPLE.
HERE, THAT TOMATO HAS JUST EJECTED ITSELF! REALLY? IT WORKS! IT WORKS! WHAT A STRANGE TURN THIS CYCLING TOUR HAS TAKEN.
MR.
GULLIVER APPEARS TO HAVE LOST HIS MEMORY AND FAR FROM BEING INTERESTED IN SAFER FOOD IS NOW CONVINCED THAT HE IS CLODAGH ROGERS, THE YOUNG GIRL SINGER.
I AM TAKING HIM FOR MEDICAL ATTENTION.
IS THIS THE CASUALTY DEPARTMENT? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? I AM AT PRESEN ON A CYCLING TOUR OF THE NORTH CORNWALL AREA TAKING IN BUDE AND YES, COULD I HAVE YOUR NAME, PLEASE? AH, MY NAME IS PITHER.
WHAT? P-I-T-H-E-R AS IN "BROTHERHOOD" EXCEPT WITH P-I INSTEAD OF THE B-R-O AND NO "HOOD.
" YES, I SEE.
I HAVE JUS VISITED TAUNTON SHH! I WAS CYCLING NORTH TOWARDS YES, WHERE WERE YOU IN JURED? JUST WHERE THE A-237 ILFRACOMBE ROAD MEETS THE ON YOUR BODY.
AH, NO, IT'S NOT I WHO WAS IN JURED, IT'S MY FRIEND.
NAME? PITHER.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOUR FRIEND'S NAME.
OH, CLODAGH ROGERS.
CLODAGH ROGERS?! WELL, ONLY SINCE ABOUT 4:30 YES, I THINK YOU'D BETTER TALK TO DR.
WU.
DOCTOR! WHAT? DAMN! I AM ON A CYCLING TOUR OF NORTH CORNWALL, TAKING IN HE THINKS HE'S HAD AN ACCIDENT.
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO, AS A RESULT OF HIS IN JURIES THINKS HE IS CLODAGH ROGERS.
HE WHAT? WELL, WHA HAPPENED WAS SEPTEMBER 4 WELL, I NEVER.
WE ARE NOW IN THE ALPES MARITIMES REGION OF SOUTHERN FRANCE.
CLODAGH SEEMS MORE INTEN ON REACHING MOSCOW THAN ON REHEARSING HER NEW BBC 2 SERIES WITH BUDDY RICH AND THE YOUNGER GENERATION.
OH, HELLO.
WE CANNOT STAY HERE.
WE MUST LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
THERE IS A SHIP IN MARSEILLES.
I DID EN JOY YOUR SONG FOR EUROPE, CLODAGH.
I HAVE SEEN AN AGEN IN THE TOWN.
MY LIFE IS IN DANGER! DANGER, CLODAGH? STALIN HAS ALWAYS HATED ME! NO ONE HATES YOU, CLODAGH.
I WILL NOT LET MYSELF FALL INTO THE HANDS OF THESE SCUM! I THINK YOU SHOULD GO AND HAVE A LITTLE LIE DOWN, MY DEAR.
THERE'S A BUSY DAY TOMORROW OF CONCERTS AND PROMOTIONAL TOURS.
I?! WHO WAS ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF THE GREATES NATION ON EARTH?! I?! WHOM LENIN HAS CALLED HIS GREATEST FRIEND?! TAISEZ-VOUS, TAISEZ-VOUS! OH, DEAR.
I?! WHO HAVE WORKED ALL MY LIFE THAT MY PEOPLE SHOULD LIVE?! QU'EST-CE QUE LE BRUIT? C'EST IMPOSSIBLE! OH, MY NAME IS PITHER.
UH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M ON A CYCLING TOUR OF NORTH CORNWALL I WILL NO BE DEFEATED! I WILL RETURN TO MY COUNTRY TO FIGHT AGAINS THIS NEW TYRANNY! THIS IS CLODAGH ROGERS, THE IRISH-BORN GIRL SINGER.
O, MAIS OUI, C'EST CLODAGH ROGERS "JACK IN THE BOX"! GENEVIEVE! PAUL! C'EST CLODAGH ROGERS LA FAMEUSE CHANTEUSE ANGLAISE.
I WILL NEVER SURRENDER! I WILL NEVER EXCUSEZ-MOI, MADAME CLODAGH.
ECRIVEZ-VOUS VOTRE NOM DANS MON LIVRE DES HOMMES CELEBRES, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
LA, AU-DESSOUS DE LE DENIS COMPTON.
MAMAN! CE N'EST PAS LA BELLE CLODAGH.
QUOI? C'EST TROTSKY, LE REVOLUTIONNAIRE! TROTSKY?! MAIS IL NE CHANTE PAS.
IL CHANTE UN PEU.
MAIS PAS PROFESSIONNELLEMENT.
TU PENSES DE LENIN.
AH! LENIN, EH? QUEL CHANTEUR! LENIN! MY FRIEND! I COME! EXCUSE HER SHE'S NOT BEEN VERY WELL RECENTLY PRESSURE OF WORK, LARYNGITIS, YOU KNOW ET AUSSI MONSIEUR KERENSKY AVEC LE LITTLE WHITE BULL, HEIN? O, FORMIDABLE! LENIN! CLODAGH LENIN! I COME! ; LENIN MY FRIEND I COME! LENIN! CLODAGH! LENIN! JE T'AIME.
MAURICE, REGARDEZ! C'EST LA CHANTEUSE ANGLAISE, CLODAGH ROGERS.
AFTER SEVERAL DAYS I SUCCEEDED IN TRACKING DOWN MY FRIEND MR.
GULLIVER ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF SMOLENSK.
SMOLENSK, 200 MILES EAST OF MINSK 200 MILES NORTH OF KURSK 1,500 MILES WEST OF OMSK.
THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, AS WE WERE SO FAR FROM HOME AND AS MR.
GULLIVER STILL BELIEVING HIMSELF TO BE TROTSKY WAS VERY TIRED FROM HARANGUING THE MASSES ALL THE WAY FROM MONTE CARLO MONTE CARLO, 100 MILES SOUTH OF TURIN 100 MILES EAST OF PISA, 500 MILES WEST OF BILBAO.
THANK YOU.
I DECIDED TO CHECK I DECIDED TO CHECK OH, SORRY, YOU GO ON.
I DECIDED TO CHECK HIM INTO A HOTEL WHILE I VISITED THE BRITISH EMBASSY TO ASK FOR HELP IN RETURNING TO CORNWALL.
AND SO WE REGISTERED AT THE SMOLENSK YOUNG MEN'S ANTI-CHRISTIAN ASSOCIATION.
Y.
M.
A.
C.
A CORNER OF ANTI-SEMITIC STREE AND POGROM SQUARE.
GO AWAY.
NO, NOT YOU.
A SINGLE ROOM FOR MY FRIEND, PLEASE.
YES, SIR.
BUGGED OR UNBUGGED? I THINK I'D BE HAPPIER WITH A BUGGED ONE.
RIGHT, ONE BUGGED WITH BATH.
WELL, JUST HAVE A NICE LIE DOWN AND I'LL GO DOWN TO THE EMBASSY.
TROTSKY? MY LACK OF GOD, IT'S TROTSKY! COMRADES, SOCIALISM IS NOT A OH, UH, EXCUSE ME.
IS THIS THE BRITISH CONSULATE? YES, YES, UH, SI, SI.
THAT IS CORRECTEMENT.
AH, YES.
PICCADILLY CIRCUS, MINISKIRT AND JOE LYONS.
OH, I'D LIKE TO SEE THE CONSUL, PLEASE.
YES, YES, SPEAKEE, SPEAKEE.
ME BLITISH CONSUL.
OH! YOU ARE REAR ADMIRAL SIR DUDLEY COMPTON? NO.
HE DIE.
HE HAVE HEART ATTACK AND FELL OUT OF WINDOW ONTO EXPLODING BOMB AND WAS KILLED IN A SHOOTING ACCIDENT.
AH, YES.
I HIS HOW YOU SAY, UH SUCC SUCCA SUCC SUSSOR.
OH, SUCCESSOR.
I'M HIS SUCCESSOR, MR.
ATKINSON.
OH.
WOULD YOU LIKE DRINKEE? OR GAME BINGO? OH A DRINK WOULD BE VERY NICE, YES.
OH, MR.
LIVINGSTONE, GO AND GET SAKE.
YES, BOSS.
OH HOW IS TONBLIDGE WELLS? HOW I LONG TO SEE AGAIN WALLS OF FAMOUS SHAKESPEARE-STYLE THEATER IN STLATFORD-ON-AVON.
OH, WELL, I'M A WEST COUNTRY MAN MYSELF, MR.
ATKINSON.
OH, TEXAS, ARIZONA, KIT CARSON SUPER SCOUT.
NO, NO.
WEST OF ENGLAND CORNWALL.
OH, CORON WORLL.
CORN CORNWALL.
CORONWORL, OH, YES.
KNOW CORONWORL VERY WELL.
WENT TO SCHOOL THERE.
MOTHER AND FATHER LIVE THERE, AH, YES.
GO MANY WEEKEND PARTIES AND POLO PLAYING IN BLIDGE CLUB.
BELONG MANY CLUBS IN CORONWORL.
AH, MR.
LIVINGSTONE, THANK YOU.
SAKE AND BAKEWELLS TART.
WELL, CHAPS BUTTOCKS UP! RATHER! NOW, MISTER UH, PITHER.
AH, MR.
PITHER.
WE BLITISH HERE IN SMOLENSK VERY INTERESTED IN CLICKET.
OH, CRICKET? NO, NO.
YOU NO SPEAK NO, NOT CLICKET.
CLICKET.
CLICKETTY CLICK CLICKETTY.
HOUSEY, HOUSEY, OH, BINGO! OH! BINGO! OH, BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! OH, BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! OH, BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! HSAI! BINGO! SORRY.
OUR BOYS GO VELLY EXCITED.
BINGO.
OH, SHUT FACE! NOW, MR.
PITHER PERHAPS YOU COULD PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR US SO WE CAN JOIN A VELLY SMAR BINGO CLUB IN CORONWORL.
WELL, IT'S NO REALLY MY LINE WE SIT VELLY QUIE AT BACK NOT SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT SHOU "HOUSEY! HOUSEY!" HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! OH, BINGO! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HOUSEY! HI SKWWATI NIYHI, KEO T'SIN FEH T'SDUNG NIHI WATAI BINGO CARDS! NIHI WATAI BINGO CARDS.
NIHI WATAI BINGO CARDS? NIHI WATAI.
AH, SO.
NOW, MR.
PITHER TELL ME WHICH BETTER HACKNEY STAR BINGO OR ST.
ALBANS TOP-RANK SUITE.
WELL, I WAS HOPING THAT YOU COULD HELP ME AND MY FRIEND TO GET BACK TO ENGLAND.
HACKNEY STAR BINGO.
YOU SEE, WE'RE ON A CYCLING TOUR BINGO! BINGO! HOUSEY, HOUSEY! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO, BINGO IS MR.
TROTSKY IN HIS ROOM, PLEASE? NO.
HE HAS GONE TO MOSCOW.
MOSCOW 1,500 MILES SOUTH OF SHUT UP! MOSCOW? COME WITH US, PLEASE.
OH, WHO ARE YOU? WELL, WE'RE NOT SECRE POLICE, ANYWAY.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
IF ANYTHING, WE ARE ORDINARY SOVIET CITIZENS WITH NO PARTICULAR INTEREST IN POLITICS.
NONE AT ALL.
COME WITH US.
OH, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? WHAT DO WE TELL HIM? DON'T TELL HIM ANY SECRETS.
AGREED.
TELL HIM ANYTHING EXCEPT WE ARE TAKING HIM TO MOSCOW WHERE TROTSKY IS REUNITED WITH THE CENTRAL COMMITTEE.
WE ARE TAKING YOU TO A CLAMBAKE.
OH, A CLAMBAKE! I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ONE OF THOSE.
RIGHT, LET'S GO.
WHO'S GIVING THE ORDERS AROUND HERE? I AM I'M SENIOR TO YOU.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE A GREENGROCER.
I'M AN INSURANCE SALESMAN.
GREENGROCERS ARE SENIOR TO INSURANCE SALESMEN.
NO, THEY'RE NOT! COOL IT I'M AN ICE-CREAM SALESMAN AND I AM SENIOR TO BOTH OF YOU.
YOU'RE AN ICE-CREAM SALESMAN? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A VETERINARIAN.
I GOT PROMOTED.
LET'S GO.
TAXI! YES.
DRIVE US TO MOSCOW.
I HAVE NO CAB.
WHY NOT? I'M IN THE SECRET POLICE.
VSE NARODNIY PREDNOVICH TOVARICH TROTSKY SHI MUSKA DI SCENSAND DRA VENKA AND NOW, COMRADES, THE GREATES MOMENT OF A GREAT DAY WHEN I ASK YOU TO WELCOME THE RETURN OF ONE OF RUSSIA'S GREATEST HEROES CREATOR OF THE RED ARMY, LENIN'S GREATEST FRIEND LEV DAVIDOVICH TROTSKY! COMRADES, BOLSHEVIKS, FRIENDS OF THE REVOLUTION I AM RETURNED.
THE BLOODSTAINED SHADOW OF STALINIST REPRESSION IS PAST.
I BRING YOU THE NEW LIGH OF PERMANENT REVOLUTION.
I MAY ONCE HAVE BEEN OUSTED FROM POWER I MAY HAVE BEEN EXPELLED FROM THE PARTY IN 1927 I MAY HAVE BEEN DEPORTED IN 1926, BUT I DON'T WANT A STATE FOUNDED ON HATE AND DIVISION.
MY FRIEND MR.
GULLIVER WAS CLEARLY UNDERGOING ANOTHER CHANGE OF PERSONALITY.
SO! YOU HAVE DUPED US.
YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS.
GUARDS, SEIZE HIM! SHALL I SEIZE HIM, TOO? NO, I THINK WE'LL HAVE TO KEEP HIM.
HE'S GOING DOWN WELL.
HE'S MORE FUN THAN HE USED TO BE.
HE'S LOOSENED UP A LOT.
THIS IS AN OLD LENIN NUMBER.
APRIL 26 THROWN INTO RUSSIAN CELL.
SEVERELY DAMAGED MY MARS BAR.
SHALL I EVER SEE BUDE BUS STATION AGAIN? OH, EXCUSE ME.
WHAT A PLEASANT EXERCISE YARD.
HOW FRIENDLY THEY WERE ALL BEING.
CIGARETTE? OH, NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T SMOKE.
AFTER A FEW MOMENTS I PERCEIVED A LINE OF GENTLEMEN WITH RIFLES.
THEY WERE LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION.
I LOOKED AROUND BUT COULD NOT SEE THE TARGET.
BLINDFOLD? NO, THANK YOU, NO.
SLOWOTNY! GRYDENKA VERSCHNITZEN NYET! NYET! NYET! NYET! NYET! NYET! NYET! A TELEGRAM? FROM THE KREMLIN! THE CENTRAL COMMITTEE! IT SAYS "CARRY ON WITH THE EXECUTION" VERSCHNITZEN! NOW I WAS REALLY FOR IT.
HOW COULD YOU MISS? HE MOVED.
SHUT UP! GO AND PRACTICE.
I'M SO SORRY.
WOULD YOU MIND WAITING IN YOUR CELL? WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK MY CRUNCHIE WAS TOTALLY INTACT.
I SETTLED DOWN TO A QUICK INTER-MEAL SNACK.
NEXT TIME DEFINITELY! NOW, HOW MANY HAVE BEEN IN JURED? OH, GOD! AS I LAY DOWN TO THE SOUND OF THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMEN PRACTICING THEIR SHOOTING I REALIZED I WAS IN A BIT OF A PICKLE.
MY HEART SANK AS I REALIZED I SHOULD NEVER SEE THE OKEHAMPTON BYPASS AGAIN.
COME ON, DEAR.
WAKE UP, DEAR.
MOTHER! COME ON, DEAR.
SO IT WAS ALL A DREAM.
NO, DEAR, THIS IS THE DREAM.
YOU'RE STILL IN THE CELL.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER TRY.
I THINK WE'VE GOT IT NOW.
MY BOYS HAVE BEEN LOOKING DOWN THE WRONG BIT, YOU SEE.
OH, NO, NO.
YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK DOWN THAT BIT THERE.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO LOOK DOWN THAT BIT.
OH, NO, YOU'VE GO TO LOOK DOWN THAT BI OR YOU WON' HIT ANYTHING.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GIVE IT A WHIRL.
GUARDS, SEIZE HIM! LISTEN, YOU'VE GO TO LOOK DOWN THIS BIT.
OSLEDI, OSLEDI, OSLEDI AND NOW WITH PEE-PEE.
KON'NICHI WA.
EARTHA KITT! TRADE UNION LEADERS WE'VE DONE OUR PART.
NOW, ON BEHALF OF THE COMMUNITY WE HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPECT YOU THE TRADE UNION LEADERS, TO DO YOURS.
NYET EARTHA KITT! EDWARD HEATH.
IN UN JUSTIFIABLE WAYS.
SING "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! SING "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! THA TURNIP'S CERTAINLY NOT SAFE.
"OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! "OLD-FASHIONED GIRL"! OH, NO! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! PITHER! MR.
PITHER! PITHER! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! MR.
PITHER! HERE! GULLIVER! PITHER! WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK.
WELL, YES AND NO.
CHARGE! PHEW! WHA AN AMAZING ESCAPE.
WELL, GOOD-BYE, REGINALD.
GOOD-BYE, MR.
PITHER.
AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE TOUR! HUH! HEY, I I THINK HE'S FINALLY GONE! OOH, YEAH.
READY, MAURICE? RIGHT-O, KEVIN, LET'S GO.
ALL RIGHT, MAESTRO, HIT IT!