Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s04e04 Episode Script
Hamlet
IT'S JUST THAT EVERYWHERE I GO IT'S THE SAME OLD THING ALL ANYONE WANTS ME TO SAY IS "TO BE OR NOT TO BE.
" "THAT IS THE QUESTION.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SUFFER" IT'S EITHER THA OR "OH, THAT THIS TOO, TOO SOLID FLESH WOULD MELT" "WOULD MELT, THAW AND RESOLVE ITSELF INTO A DEW.
"OR THAT THE EVERLASTING HAD NOT FIXED HIS CANON 'GAINST SELF SLAUGHTER" YES, ALL THAT SORT OF THING AND I'M JUST GETTING REALLY FED DO THE BIT ABOU "ALAS POOR YORICK.
" NO, I'M SICK OF IT! I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.
I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MY LIFE.
NO, I DON' KNOW THAT BIT.
I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THAT, BE DIFFERENT.
WELL, UM WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? A PRIVATE DICK! A PRIVATE DICK? YES, A PRIVATE DICK! WHY DO YOU WAN TO BE A PRIVATE DICK? WHY DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE A PRIVATE DICK? FAME, MONEY, GLAMOUR, EXCITEMENT, SEX.
AH! IT'S THE SEX, IS IT? WELL, THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS, YES.
WHAT'S THE SEX PROBLEM? WELL, THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
NOW, COME ON, COME ON.
YOU'VE GOT THIS GIRL ON THE BED AND SHE'S ALL READY FOR IT NO, NO, IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.
NO, NO, COME ON, COME ON.
THERE SHE IS, SHE'S ALL READY FOR I SHE'S A REAL STUNNER, SHE'S GOT GREAT BIG TITS SHE'S REALLY WELL STACKED AND YOU'VE GOT HER LEGS UP AGAINST THE MANTELPIECE ALL RIGHT, MR.
BUTLER, I'LL TAKE OVER.
MORNING, MR.
HAMLET, MY NAME'S NATAL.
SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM? WELL, I WAS TELLING THE OTHER PSYCHIATRIST UH, HE'S HE'S NO A PSYCHIATRIST.
OH, HE SAID HE WAS A PSYCHIATRIST.
WELL YES.
UM HE IS A KIND OF PSYCHIATRIS BUT HE'S, UM HE'S NOT A PROPER PSYCHIATRIST.
HE'S NOT, UH FULLY QUALIFIED IN, UM QUITE THE SORT OF WAY THAT WE SHOULD WANT.
ANYWAY THE PROBLEM, I BELIEVE IS BASICALLY SEXUAL, IS IT? I ASKED HIM THAT! GET OUT! NOW THEN, YOU'VE GO THE GIRL ON THE BED YOU'VE BEEN HAVING A BIT OF A FEEL-UP YOU'VE GOT YOUR TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT.
SHE'S GOT BOTH HER LEGS UP ON THE MANTELPIECE DR.
NATAL! OUT, PLEASE! I'M TALKING TO A PATIENT! OUT, PLEASE! I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, SIR.
WE HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE HERE WITH BOGUS PSYCHIATRISTS ONE OF THE RISKS IN PSYCHIATRY, I'M AFRAID.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DO TEND TO FRIGHTEN THE PATIEN AND THEY CAN CAUSE REAL AND PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE TREATMENT.
BUT I ASSURE YOU THAT I AM A COMPLETELY BONA FIDE PSYCHIATRIST.
HERE'S MY DIPLOMA IN PSYCHIATRY FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF OXFORD.
THIS HERE SHOWS THAT I'M A MEMBER OF THE BRITISH PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION A VERY IMPORTAN BODY, INDEED.
HERE'S A LETTER FROM ANOTHER PSYCHIATRIS IN WHICH HE MENTIONS THAT I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.
THIS IS MY PSYCHIATRIC CLUB TIE AND, AS YOU CAN SEE, THE CUFFLINKS MATCH.
I'VE GOT A COPY OF PSYCHIATRY TODAY IN MY BAG WHICH I THINK IS PRETTY CONVINCING AND A LETTER HERE FROM MY MOTHER IN WHICH SHE ASKS HOW THE PSYCHIATRY IS GOING.
AND I THINK YOU'LL REALIZE THE ONE PERSON YOU CAN'T FOOL IS YOUR MOTHER.
SO IF YOU'D LIKE TO ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT PSYCHIATRY I BET I CAN ANSWER THEM.
OKAY, RIGHT, YOU'VE GO THE GIRL ON THE BED YOU'VE HAD A FEW DRINKS, YOU'VE GOT HER SWEATER UP AND SHE'S GOT HER FEE ON THE MANTELPIECE.
YES, WHAT IS IT? There's a proper psychiatrist to see you, Dr.
Rufus Berg.
OH, MY GOD OKAY, THANK YOU.
RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS, SIR.
WE'LL TRY NO TO TROUBLE YOU AGAIN, SIR.
RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE GIRL DOWN ON THE BED.
YOU'VE GOT HER LEGS UP ON THE MANTELPIECE AND THEN YOU WELL, WELL DONE, MR.
HAMLET.
YOU'VE DONE EXTREMELY WELL IN OUR DISORIENTATION TESTS.
OH OH.
YOU SEE, I'M SORRY IT MIGHT HAVE CONFUSED YOU A LITTLE BUT WE DO THIS, YOU SEE, TO TRY AND ESTABLISH A VERY GOOD DOCTOR-PATIEN RELATIONSHIP, YOU SEE.
WE DO IT TO SORT OF, AS IT WERE TO BREAK DOWN THE BARRIERS, ALL RIGHT? YES, FINE.
GOOD WELL, YOU'VE GOT HER LEGS UP ON THE MANTELPIECE SHE'S REALLY A KNOCKER ON BEHALF OF THE PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION I SHOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT WE ARE TAKING FIRM ACTION TO CLAMP DOWN ON THE ACTIVITIES OF BOGUS PSYCHIATRISTS.
IN FACT, IN MANY AREAS OF MODERN PSYCHIATRY COMPUTERS ARE NOW BEING INCREASINGLY USED FOR THE FIRST BASIC DIAGNOSIS, AND THIS HAS GONE A LONG WAY TOWARDS ELIMINATING THE DANGER OF UNQUALIFIED IMPOSTORS You've had your tongue down her throat and she's got her legs OUT! GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO NATIONWIDE THE PROGRAM WHERE WE DO RATHER WET THINGS NATIONALLY AND ALSO GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO SEE SOME RATHER WET ITEMS IN THE REGIONS.
WELL, EVERYONE IS TALKING TODAY ABOUT THE THIRD WORLD WAR WHICH BROKE OUT THIS MORNING.
BUT HERE ON NATIONWIDE WE'RE GOING TO GET AWAY FROM THAT FOR A BI AND LOOK INSTEAD AT THE LATEST THEORY THAT SITTING DOWN REGULARLY IN A COMFORTABLE CHAIR CAN REST YOUR LEGS.
IT SOUNDS VERY NICE, DOESN'T IT, BUT CAN IT BE DONE? IS IT POSSIBLE OR PRACTICAL FOR MANY OF US, IN OUR JOBS AND WITH THE SOR OF BUSY LIVES WE LEAD TO SIT DOWN IN A COMFORTABLE CHAIR JUST WHEN WE WANT? WE SENT OUR REPORTER, JOHN DULL, TO FIND OUT.
WELL, HERE I AM ON LONDON'S BUSY WESTMINSTER BRIDGE SEEING JUST HOW MUCH TIME SITTING DOWN CAN TAKE.
WELL, I ARRIVED HERE BY TRAIN AT ABOUT 8:50.
IT'S NOW 9:05, SO I'VE BEEN HERE APPROXIMATELY 12 MINUTES.
AND IF IT'S ANY ENCOURAGEMEN I MUST SAY THAT MY LEGS DO FEEL RESTED.
IS THIS YOUR CHAIR? UH WELL, NO, IT'S A PROP.
IT'S BEEN STOLEN! WHAT? THIS BELONGS TO A MRS.
EDGEWORTH OF PINNER.
SHE'S STANDING OVER THERE.
YOO-HOO! UH, WELL, IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
I MEAN, IT'S JUS A PROP WHICH THE BBC IT'S GOT HER NAME ON THE BOTTOM.
WELL, UH, PERHAPS YOU'D BETTER GIVE IT BACK TO HER.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE I'M A POLICEMAN, DO YOU? YES, I DO! WHAT AM I WEARING ON MY HEAD? A HELMET.
A POLICEMAN'S HELMET! YES.
YOU SEE THAT? YES.
THAT LITTLE NUMBER THERE? YES.
THAT IS A METROPOLITAN AREA IDENTIFICATION CODE.
NO HELMET IS AUTHENTIC WITHOUT THAT NUMBER.
I SEE.
KIDS' HELMETS, HELMETS YOU GET AT TOY SHOPS HELMETS YOU BUY AT CHRISTMAS NONE OF THEM HAS THAT NUMBER.
NONE OF THEM IS AUTHENTIC.
HANG ON.
OH, COULD I HANG ON! MIND YOU, I DIDN'T JOIN THE POLICE FORCE JUST TO WEAR THE HELMET, YOU KNOW.
OH.
THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF THE LITTLE PERKS.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF JOBS WHERE I COULD HAVE WORN A HELME BUT NOT SUCH A NICE HELMET.
THIS HELMET, I THINK BEATS EVEN SOME OF THE MORE ELABORATE HELMETS WORN BY THE TSAR'S PRIVATE ARMY THE SO-CALLED AXI RED WARRIORS.
YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM? WELL, NO, I DON'T.
AH! THEIR HELMETS USED TO LOOK LIKE YOU GOT ANY PAPER? WELL, ONLY THESE SCRIPTS.
HOLD ON.
HEY! I'LL HAVE THAT.
I SAY.
NOW THEN THEIR HELME WAS NOT UNLIKE THE BOBBY'S HELME IN BASIC SHAPE.
IT HAD AN EMBLEM HERE AND THREE GOLD AND IN THOSE DAYS IT REALLY WAS GOLD.
THAT'S PART OF THE REASON WHY THE TSAR WAS SO UNPOPULAR THREE GOLD BANDS SURMOUNTED BY A GOLDEN EAGLE ON THE APEX HERE.
PRETTY NICE HELMET, EH? YES.
I THINK THE DOMED HELME WINS EVERY TIME OVER THE FLATTENED JOB, YOU KNOW EVEN WHEN THEY'RE THREE-CORNERED OR YOU WAN SOMETHING TO EAT? WELL, NO, UH, I MEAN, REALLY HANG ON.
YOU CAN'T PARK HERE, YOU KNOW.
WE'RE NOT PARKED.
NOT PARKED! WHAT'S THAT THEN? THAT'S OUR LUNCH.
RIGHT.
I'M TAKING THAT IN FOR A FORENSIC EXAMINATION.
WHY? BECAUSE IT MIGH HAVE BEEN USED AS A MURDER WEAPON, THAT'S WHY! NOW, CLEAR OFF! YEAH, NOT BAD.
COULD BE WORSE.
BEER? NO, NO, PLEASE! HONESTLY, PLEASE NOW THEN, THE CHALDEANS, WHO USED TO INHABIT THE AREA IN BETWEEN THE TIGRIS AND EUPHRATES RIVERS THEIR HELMETS WAS OF THE MODULAR RESTRAINED KIND OF TYPE OH, ROBERT, TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL.
OH, YOU ARE, YOU ARE.
OH, ROBERT, DO YOU MEAN THAT? OF COURSE I DO.
YOU'RE NO JUST SAYING I BECAUSE I ASKED YOU TO? OF COURSE NOT.
OH, ROBERT, ARE YOU SURE I DOESN'T PUT YOU OFF? WHAT? MY FATHER WANTING TO COME AND LIVE WITH US.
NO, OF COURSE I DON'T MIND YOUR FATHER COMING TO LIVE WITH US.
HE WOULDN'T JUST BE LIVING WITH US.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, HE FINDS I VERY DIFFICUL TO GET TO SLEEP ON HIS OWN SO I SAID HE COULD SLEEP WITH US.
HE WANTS TO PU HIS BED IN OUR ROOM?! NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
OH, GOOD.
OUR BED IS PLENTY BIG ENOUGH FOR THREE.
WHAT? HE'D JUST GET INTO BED AND GO TO SLEEP.
NO, I'M NOT HAVING THAT! OH, ROBERT, I THOUGH YOU LOVED ME! WELL, I DO, BUT WELL, HE WOULDN'T LOOK.
HE'S BOUND TO PEEK.
NO, NO, HE WOULDN'T, HONESTLY.
NO! NO! NO! YOU YOUNG COUPLE JUST CARRY ON.
TAKE NO NOTICE OF ME.
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL AS THOUGH I'M GETTING IN THE WAY.
OH, NO, DAD, YOU'RE NOT.
NO, NO GOOD! WELL I THINK I'LL GET TO SLEEP.
ARE YOU SURE? OH, YES, I'M A BIT TIRED AFTER THE WEDDING.
BOB, WHAT ABOUT YOU? OH, YES, ALL RIGHT, YES.
OH, WELL, I SEEM TO BE O.
C.
LIGHTS.
GOOD NIGHT, DARLING.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT! FATHER? FATHER, WHA ARE YOU DOING? I'M MAKING A BOAT.
WHAT? IT'S A CUTTY SARK.
IT'S A MODEL I'VE BEEN MAKING IN THE DARK FOR SOME YEARS NOW.
WELL, WOULDN' IT BE BETTER WITH THE LIGHT ON? NO, NO, I'M MAKING IT IN THE DARK THAT'S THE POINT.
OH, DEAR IT'S NOT AS ACCURATE AS I THOUGHT.
IT'S NO THE CUTTY SARK! WELL, IT HASN'T GO ITS SAILS ON YET.
OH, WELL, I'LL I'LL HAVE A LOOK AT I IN THE DARK ROOM IN THE MORNING.
GOOD NIGHT! U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
WILL YOU SHUT UP IN THERE? SHUT UP! SHUT THAT'S BETTER.
I am myself indifferent honest, but yet, I could accuse me OF SUCH THINGS THAT IT WERE BETTER MY MOTHER HAD NOT BORNE ME.
O FAIR OPHELIA, NYMPH, IN THY ORISONS BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBERED.
SO ANYWAY, YOU'VE GOT THE GIRL ON THE BED AND HER LEGS ARE ON THE MANTELPIECE OUT! WE'RE HIT! JUMP! GOOD GOD, SIR, LOOK AT THAT.
QUIET, YOU'LL WAKE HIM.
SORRY, SIR.
LET'S TRY TO REACH THE CITY WALLS BEFORE HE WAKES UP.
YES, SIR! SHH! QUIET.
RIGHT, SORRY, SIR.
SORRY, SIR.
TOO LATE! WE'RE SAVED! THAT WAS A GREAT FIGHT, CHAMP A GREAT FIGHT, YOU HEAR? OH, BOY, WHAT A FIGHT, CHAMP! WHAT A GREAT FIGHT! YOU NEARLY HAD HIM, CHAMP, YOU NEARLY HAD HIM WHERE'S HIS HEAD? I GOT IT IN HERE, MR.
GABRIELLO.
YOU WERE GREAT, CHAMP, DO YOU HEAR? YOU WERE GREAT! HE GOT A NASTY CUT OVER HIS EYE.
YEAH, I THINK IT WAS A MISTAKE HIM WEARING SPECTACLES.
OH, WELL, GET THA SEWN ONTO HIS BODY IN TIME FOR THE PRESS PICTURES! OKAY, MR.
GABRIELLO.
AH, WASN'T HE GREAT, MY BOY? HE WAS GREAT, MR.
GABRIELLO.
THE WAY HE KEP ON FIGHTING AFTER HIS HEAD CAME OFF.
HE WAS BETTER WHEN THE HEAD CAME OFF, MR.
GABRIELLO.
HE WAS REALLY DODGING THE GUY.
YEAH, I RECKON IF HE COULD'VE LASTED TILL THE END OF THAT FIRST MINUTE HE WOULD'VE HAD THE KILLER WORRIED.
SURE, MR.
GABRIELLO.
OH, HE WAS GREAT! DID YOU SEE HIS LEFT ARM? NO.
OKAY, WE'LL LOOK AROUND THE HALL AFTER EVERYONE'S GONE.
DO YOU REALIZE, MR.
GABRIELLO SOME OF THOSE GUYS OUT THERE PAID OVER $2,000 FOR A RINGSIDE SEAT? AND WHERE DOES THE HEAD LAND? RIGHT AT THE BACK THAT'S JUSTICE.
OH, BOY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? THIS YOUR BOY'S HEAD? NO, NO, WE GO HIS HEAD! HE AIN'T HUR THAT BAD.
HEY, THAT'S JERRY MARINELLO.
HE FOUGHT THE KILLER LAST WEEK.
OKAY, GIVE I TO ME.
I'M SEEING HIS TRAINER TOMORROW.
I'LL GIVE IT TO HIM.
HEY, MR.
GABRIELLO, THE PRESS IS STILL OUTSIDE.
YOU READY FOR THEM? HOW'S THE CHAMP? WELL, THE HEAD'S ON OKAY BUT THERE'S STILL A LEFT ARM MISSING.
OKAY, WELL, KEEP THE DRESSING GOWN KIND OF LOOSE, OKAY? OKAY, BOYS, COME ON IN! MR.
GABRIELLO! DID YOU EXPEC YOUR BOY TO LAS THE FULL 28 SECONDS? THIS BOY HAS NEVER LET ME DOWN.
HE'S THE PLUCKIES GODDAMN FIGHTER I EVER TRAINED.
WERE YOU WORRIED WHEN HIS HEAD STARTED TO COME LOOSE? NO, NO, WE WAS EXPECTING THAT.
I TOLD HIM TO EXPEC IT AND HE DID.
HE AIN'T STUPID.
HEY, CAN WE HAVE A WORD WITH THE CHAMP? YEAH, OKAY, BUT KEEP THE QUESTIONS SIMPLE.
HEY, CHAMP, HOW YOU FEELING? I SAID KEEP THE QUESTIONS SIMPLE! MR.
GABRIELLO PEOPLE ARE SAYING THE KID OUGH TO BE BURIED.
HIS HEAD'S COME OFF IN THE LAS SIX FIGHTS.
THERE'S NO QUESTION OF BURYING THE KID! HE'S JUST REACHING THE TOP.
WELL, SHOULDN' HE JUST STAY IN THE HOSPITAL? NO, HE AIN'T GOING TO NO HOSPITAL.
HE'S GOT THE RETURN FIGHT NEXT WEEK.
And there's Frank Sinatra leaving the ring.
Behind him is George Raft, another great boxing fan Martin Bormann, acknowledging the applause and with him, of course, is Gus Himmler who did an awful lot for the sport in his country in the early 1940s.
And here comes the champ now.
He really seems in good shape to meet the killer once again before an audience some of whom have paid $920,000 million for the privilege of seeing this boy get beaten up.
And there's the bell.
QUIET! and a left and a right jab that's taken half the champ's shoulder off.
And here's the killer again with a right and another left and a bash with a hammer and a terrific smack with a heavy thud right into the skull and there's a gaping hole right through the champ's body now.
And now the killer's working on the cut eye with a series of beautifully placed punches and the head's coming loose! The champ must try and keep his head on.
The killer's kicked him in the groin and he's bitten half his left buttock off and the referee's stepped in with a warning there.
What a plucky fighter this champ is.
He's fighting as well as I've ever seen him.
He must be losing blood at the rate of a pint a second now.
It's everywhere.
Certainly those who paid $1.
5 million for those ringside seats are really getting their money's worth.
They're covered in it.
And his head's off! in so many fights is off in the 31st second.
It's rolled away down to the left.
But what's happening? The killer's being talked to by the referee.
There's the champ's plucky little body racing around the ring, trying to find his opponent.
And the killer has been disqualified! This great fighter, who has killed more than 50 people in his boxing career, has at last been defeated by this courageous, headless little southpaw from New York.
And there's a great roar here as the referee raises the arm of the new World Heavyweight Champion.
What a pity the rest of his body wasn't here to see it.
Well, here in London it's 12:30 and time for The Robinsons an everyday story of blah-di- blah-di-blah-di-blah.
and so on.
Morning, Mrs.
Robinson.
Morning, Mrs.
Non-Robinson.
Been shopping? No I've been shopping.
What'd you buy? A piston engine.
What did you buy that for? BLOODY RUBBISH! I WANTED TO LISTEN TO THAT.
MORNING, MRS.
GORILLA.
MORNING, MRS.
NON-GORILLA.
HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING? NO BEEN SHOPPING.
DID YOU BUY ANYTHING? A PISTON ENGINE.
WHAT DID YOU BUY THAT FOR? OOH! IT WAS A BARGAIN.
OOH! TWEET, TWEET, TWEET.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES, COME ON.
NICE LITTLE BIRDIES.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES.
COME AND SEE WHAT MOMMY'S GOT FOR YOU.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES.
TWEETY, TWEETY, COME ON, TWEETY, TWEETY.
OOH, LOOK AT THIS, TWEETY, TWEETY.
NICE ONE, COME ON, COME ON.
TWEET, TWEET.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES, TWEET, TWEET.
OH.
HELLO, MRS.
SMOKER.
HELLO, MRS.
NON-SMOKER.
WHAT, YOU BEEN SHOPPING, THEN? NO, I'VE BEEN SHOPPING.
OH, WHA DID YOU BUY? A PISTON ENGINE.
WHAT DID YOU BUY THAT FOR? IT WAS A BARGAIN! HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT? THREE QUID.
DONE.
RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
HOW DO YOU COOK IT? YOU DON'T COOK IT.
YOU CAN'T EA THAT RAW! OOH, NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
OH, DAY AND NIGHT, BU THIS IS WONDROUS STRANGE.
AND THEREFORE IS A STRANGER WELCOME IT.
THERE ARE MORE THINGS IN HEAVEN AND EARTH, HORATIO THAN ARE DREAMT OF IN YOUR PHILOSOPHY.
BUT COME, THE TIME IS OUT OF JOINT.
O CURSED SPITE, THAT EVER I WAS BORN TO SET IT RIGHT.
LET'S GO TOGETHER.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO A ROOM IN POLONIUS'S HOUSE.
WELL, TONIGHT IS EUROPEAN CUP NIGHT.
ONE RESULT IN ALREADY FROM MUNICH.
THE EUROPEAN CUP, FIRST ROUND, SECOND LEG BAYERN MUNCHEN 4,397; WREXHAM 1.
SO WREXHAM GOING THROUGH THERE ON AGGREGATE.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME FOR RACING SO LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER TO EPSOM AND BRIAN McNULTY.
WELL, OVER HERE AT EPSOM, THERE ARE CHANCES APLENTY FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO MAKE A GOOD START IN DENTISTRY.
DENTISTRY.
IT'S A WELL-OFF SUBURB SO MOST PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN TEETH AND SURGERIES ARE OPENING AT THE RATE OF FOUR OR FIVE A WEEK.
WELL, IT'S ONLY 44 MINUTES FROM THE WEST END ON THE TRAIN AND IT'S NOT TOO BUILT UP, SO YOU CAN HAVE A NICE GARDEN.
AND THE PEOPLE OF EPSOM ARE A VERY NICE CLASS OF PERSON.
WELL, HERE IN HIGH STREET, EPSOM THERE ARE AMPLE OPPORTUNITIES FOR ALL KINDS OF REDEVELOPMENT.
AS YOU CAN SEE, BEHIND ME NOW THERE ARE A HIGH LEVEL OF LOW-DENSITY CONSUMER UNITS STILL NOT FULLY MAXIMIZING SITE VALUE.
THIS COULD BE RADICALLY IMPROVED BY A CAREFULLY PLANNED PROGRAM OF DEMOLITION AND OF COURSE, MOST OF THE OCCUPANTS ARE ELDERLY FOLKS SO THEY WOULDN'T PUT UP MUCH OF A FIGHT.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
WELL, IN FACT, THERE'S STILL A FEW MINUTES TO GO BEFORE THE MAIN RACE ON THE CARD THIS AFTERNOON THE QUEEN VICTORIA HANDICAP.
SO LET'S HAVE A QUICK WORD WITH THE WINNER OF THE LAST RACE ONE OF THE SEASON'S TOP JOCKEYS, RONNIE MAU-MAU.
GOOD AFTERNOON, RONNIE.
GOOD AFTERNOON, BRIAN.
A VERY FINE RIDE THERE, RONNIE.
WELL, A FINE HORSE, BRIAN YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.
DO YOU FANCY YOUR CHANCES FOR THE DERBY? OH, VERY DEFINITELY.
VERY DEFINITELY, INDEED.
CERTAINLY, BRIAN.
WELL, LET'S JUST SEE IF A COLLEAGUE OF YOURS AGREES WITH THAT.
LET'S JUST HAVE A QUICK WORD WITH DESMOND WILLET AFTERNOON, DES.
GOOD AFTERNOON, BRIAN.
NO CHANCE, NO CHANCE AT ALL.
NO, NO, I THINK YOU'RE WRONG THERE, DES.
I THINK WITH THE RIGHT KIND OF GOING HE'S GOING TO BE IN THERE AT THE FINISH, DES.
NO CHANCE, THERE'S NO CHANCE.
WELL, IN FACT, I CAN SEE LAST SEASON'S TOP JOCKEY, JOHNNY KNOWLES.
GOOD AFTERNOON, JOHNNY.
HELLO, BRIAN.
UH, COULD WE HAVE A BOX FOR JOHNNY, PLEASE? THANK YOU.
HELLO, BRIAN, THANK YOU.
THAT'S BETTER.
WELL, THERE YOU ARE THREE VERY WELL-KNOWN FACES FROM THE RACING WORLD.
THANKS VERY MUCH FOR COMING ALONG THIS AFTERNOON, LADS.
NOT AT ALL.
AND BEST WISHES FOR THE DERBY.
THANK YOU, BRIAN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, IN FACT, I HEAR THEY'RE READY FOR US NOW AT THE START OF THE MAIN RACE THIS AFTERNOON SO LET'S GO RIGHT AWAY AND JOIN PETER AT THE START.
WELL, THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS FOR THIS VERY VALUABLE QUEEN VICTORIA HANDICAP.
AND THEY'RE OFF.
AND QUEEN VICTORIA A GOOD CLEAN JUMP OFF FOLLOWED BY QUEEN VICTORIA QUEEN VICTORIA AND QUEEN VICTORIA.
IT'S QUEEN VICTORIA FROM QUEEN VICTORIA WITH QUEEN VICTORIA MAKING THE EARLY RUNNING ON THE INSIDE.
AND AT THE BACK, QUEEN VICTORIA ALREADY A COUPLE OF LENGTHS BEHIND THE LEADERS.
QUEEN VICTORIA NOW MOVED UP TO CHALLENGE QUEEN VICTORIA WITH QUEEN VICTORIA LOSING GROUND.
QUEEN VICTORIA TUCKED IN NEATLY ON THE STAND SIDE WITH A CLEAR VIEW.
QUEEN VICTORIA STILL THE BACK MARKER AS THEY APPROACH THE HALFWAY MARK BUT MAKING GROUND NOW AND STARTING TO PASS QUEEN VICTORIA WITH QUEEN VICTORIA QUEEN VICTORIA AND QUEEN VICTORIA STILL WELL PLACED AS THEY APPROACH THE FIRST FENCE.
AND AT THE FIRST FENCE, IT'S QUEEN VICTORIA JUST AHEAD OF QUEEN VICTORIA WITH QUEEN VICTORIA FALLING AWAY IN THIRD PLACE.
AND QUEEN VICTORIA IN THE REAR WELL, A VERY EXCITING RACE THERE AT EPSOM.
AND NOW OVER TO THE EUROPEAN CUP AT BARCELONA WHERE THE LATEST NEWS IS THAT MIGUEL OTANA, THE BURLY REAL MADRID STRIKER WAS SENT OFF FOR BREAKING WIND IN THE 43rd MINUTE.
HE'D ALREADY BEEN CAUTIONED FOR PURSING HIS LIPS EARLIER ON IN THE GAME AND NOW HE'S OFF.
SO LET'S SEE A PLAYBACK OF THAT BRIAN.
YES, UH, WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE'S OTANA NOW.
UH, HE GETS THE, UH, THE THROUGH BALL FROM GOMEZ AND, UH, HE MAKES NO ATTEMP TO PLAY THE BALL.
HE QUITE DELIBERATELY LETS OFF.
AND TO MY MIND, HE WAS WITHIN THE BOX AND THE REFEREE HAD NO OPTION WHATSOEVER BUT TO SEND HIM OFF.
JIMMY? GOOD EVENING.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT? WELL, THE REFEREES REALLY ARE CLAMPING DOWN THESE DAYS.
ONLY LAST WEEK, THE BELGIAN CAPTAIN WAS SENT OFF FOR HAVING A SONY RADIO CASSETTE PLAYER.
AND GONERELLI, THAT HUGE ITALIAN DEFENDER, WAS SENT OFF IN TURIN FOR HAVING HIS SITTING AND DINING ROOM KNOCKED THROUGH TO FORM AN OPEN LIVING AREA.
HAMLET? GOOD EVENING.
YOU'VE GOT THE GIRL ON THE BED.
HER LEGS ARE UP ON THE MANTELPIECE COME ON, GO ON, OUT.
WAIT, I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.
I GOT AWAY.
MISSED.
MISSED, MISSED AGAIN.
UGH! OOH, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, WAIT! LET FOUR CAPTAINS BEAR HAMLE LIKE A SOLDIER TO THE STAGE FOR HE WAS LIKELY, HAD HE BEEN PUT ON TO HAVE PROVED MOST ROYALLY AND THEN
" "THAT IS THE QUESTION.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SUFFER" IT'S EITHER THA OR "OH, THAT THIS TOO, TOO SOLID FLESH WOULD MELT" "WOULD MELT, THAW AND RESOLVE ITSELF INTO A DEW.
"OR THAT THE EVERLASTING HAD NOT FIXED HIS CANON 'GAINST SELF SLAUGHTER" YES, ALL THAT SORT OF THING AND I'M JUST GETTING REALLY FED DO THE BIT ABOU "ALAS POOR YORICK.
" NO, I'M SICK OF IT! I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.
I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MY LIFE.
NO, I DON' KNOW THAT BIT.
I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THAT, BE DIFFERENT.
WELL, UM WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? A PRIVATE DICK! A PRIVATE DICK? YES, A PRIVATE DICK! WHY DO YOU WAN TO BE A PRIVATE DICK? WHY DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE A PRIVATE DICK? FAME, MONEY, GLAMOUR, EXCITEMENT, SEX.
AH! IT'S THE SEX, IS IT? WELL, THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS, YES.
WHAT'S THE SEX PROBLEM? WELL, THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
NOW, COME ON, COME ON.
YOU'VE GOT THIS GIRL ON THE BED AND SHE'S ALL READY FOR IT NO, NO, IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.
NO, NO, COME ON, COME ON.
THERE SHE IS, SHE'S ALL READY FOR I SHE'S A REAL STUNNER, SHE'S GOT GREAT BIG TITS SHE'S REALLY WELL STACKED AND YOU'VE GOT HER LEGS UP AGAINST THE MANTELPIECE ALL RIGHT, MR.
BUTLER, I'LL TAKE OVER.
MORNING, MR.
HAMLET, MY NAME'S NATAL.
SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM? WELL, I WAS TELLING THE OTHER PSYCHIATRIST UH, HE'S HE'S NO A PSYCHIATRIST.
OH, HE SAID HE WAS A PSYCHIATRIST.
WELL YES.
UM HE IS A KIND OF PSYCHIATRIS BUT HE'S, UM HE'S NOT A PROPER PSYCHIATRIST.
HE'S NOT, UH FULLY QUALIFIED IN, UM QUITE THE SORT OF WAY THAT WE SHOULD WANT.
ANYWAY THE PROBLEM, I BELIEVE IS BASICALLY SEXUAL, IS IT? I ASKED HIM THAT! GET OUT! NOW THEN, YOU'VE GO THE GIRL ON THE BED YOU'VE BEEN HAVING A BIT OF A FEEL-UP YOU'VE GOT YOUR TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT.
SHE'S GOT BOTH HER LEGS UP ON THE MANTELPIECE DR.
NATAL! OUT, PLEASE! I'M TALKING TO A PATIENT! OUT, PLEASE! I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, SIR.
WE HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE HERE WITH BOGUS PSYCHIATRISTS ONE OF THE RISKS IN PSYCHIATRY, I'M AFRAID.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DO TEND TO FRIGHTEN THE PATIEN AND THEY CAN CAUSE REAL AND PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE TREATMENT.
BUT I ASSURE YOU THAT I AM A COMPLETELY BONA FIDE PSYCHIATRIST.
HERE'S MY DIPLOMA IN PSYCHIATRY FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF OXFORD.
THIS HERE SHOWS THAT I'M A MEMBER OF THE BRITISH PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION A VERY IMPORTAN BODY, INDEED.
HERE'S A LETTER FROM ANOTHER PSYCHIATRIS IN WHICH HE MENTIONS THAT I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.
THIS IS MY PSYCHIATRIC CLUB TIE AND, AS YOU CAN SEE, THE CUFFLINKS MATCH.
I'VE GOT A COPY OF PSYCHIATRY TODAY IN MY BAG WHICH I THINK IS PRETTY CONVINCING AND A LETTER HERE FROM MY MOTHER IN WHICH SHE ASKS HOW THE PSYCHIATRY IS GOING.
AND I THINK YOU'LL REALIZE THE ONE PERSON YOU CAN'T FOOL IS YOUR MOTHER.
SO IF YOU'D LIKE TO ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT PSYCHIATRY I BET I CAN ANSWER THEM.
OKAY, RIGHT, YOU'VE GO THE GIRL ON THE BED YOU'VE HAD A FEW DRINKS, YOU'VE GOT HER SWEATER UP AND SHE'S GOT HER FEE ON THE MANTELPIECE.
YES, WHAT IS IT? There's a proper psychiatrist to see you, Dr.
Rufus Berg.
OH, MY GOD OKAY, THANK YOU.
RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS, SIR.
WE'LL TRY NO TO TROUBLE YOU AGAIN, SIR.
RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE GIRL DOWN ON THE BED.
YOU'VE GOT HER LEGS UP ON THE MANTELPIECE AND THEN YOU WELL, WELL DONE, MR.
HAMLET.
YOU'VE DONE EXTREMELY WELL IN OUR DISORIENTATION TESTS.
OH OH.
YOU SEE, I'M SORRY IT MIGHT HAVE CONFUSED YOU A LITTLE BUT WE DO THIS, YOU SEE, TO TRY AND ESTABLISH A VERY GOOD DOCTOR-PATIEN RELATIONSHIP, YOU SEE.
WE DO IT TO SORT OF, AS IT WERE TO BREAK DOWN THE BARRIERS, ALL RIGHT? YES, FINE.
GOOD WELL, YOU'VE GOT HER LEGS UP ON THE MANTELPIECE SHE'S REALLY A KNOCKER ON BEHALF OF THE PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION I SHOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT WE ARE TAKING FIRM ACTION TO CLAMP DOWN ON THE ACTIVITIES OF BOGUS PSYCHIATRISTS.
IN FACT, IN MANY AREAS OF MODERN PSYCHIATRY COMPUTERS ARE NOW BEING INCREASINGLY USED FOR THE FIRST BASIC DIAGNOSIS, AND THIS HAS GONE A LONG WAY TOWARDS ELIMINATING THE DANGER OF UNQUALIFIED IMPOSTORS You've had your tongue down her throat and she's got her legs OUT! GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO NATIONWIDE THE PROGRAM WHERE WE DO RATHER WET THINGS NATIONALLY AND ALSO GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO SEE SOME RATHER WET ITEMS IN THE REGIONS.
WELL, EVERYONE IS TALKING TODAY ABOUT THE THIRD WORLD WAR WHICH BROKE OUT THIS MORNING.
BUT HERE ON NATIONWIDE WE'RE GOING TO GET AWAY FROM THAT FOR A BI AND LOOK INSTEAD AT THE LATEST THEORY THAT SITTING DOWN REGULARLY IN A COMFORTABLE CHAIR CAN REST YOUR LEGS.
IT SOUNDS VERY NICE, DOESN'T IT, BUT CAN IT BE DONE? IS IT POSSIBLE OR PRACTICAL FOR MANY OF US, IN OUR JOBS AND WITH THE SOR OF BUSY LIVES WE LEAD TO SIT DOWN IN A COMFORTABLE CHAIR JUST WHEN WE WANT? WE SENT OUR REPORTER, JOHN DULL, TO FIND OUT.
WELL, HERE I AM ON LONDON'S BUSY WESTMINSTER BRIDGE SEEING JUST HOW MUCH TIME SITTING DOWN CAN TAKE.
WELL, I ARRIVED HERE BY TRAIN AT ABOUT 8:50.
IT'S NOW 9:05, SO I'VE BEEN HERE APPROXIMATELY 12 MINUTES.
AND IF IT'S ANY ENCOURAGEMEN I MUST SAY THAT MY LEGS DO FEEL RESTED.
IS THIS YOUR CHAIR? UH WELL, NO, IT'S A PROP.
IT'S BEEN STOLEN! WHAT? THIS BELONGS TO A MRS.
EDGEWORTH OF PINNER.
SHE'S STANDING OVER THERE.
YOO-HOO! UH, WELL, IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
I MEAN, IT'S JUS A PROP WHICH THE BBC IT'S GOT HER NAME ON THE BOTTOM.
WELL, UH, PERHAPS YOU'D BETTER GIVE IT BACK TO HER.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE I'M A POLICEMAN, DO YOU? YES, I DO! WHAT AM I WEARING ON MY HEAD? A HELMET.
A POLICEMAN'S HELMET! YES.
YOU SEE THAT? YES.
THAT LITTLE NUMBER THERE? YES.
THAT IS A METROPOLITAN AREA IDENTIFICATION CODE.
NO HELMET IS AUTHENTIC WITHOUT THAT NUMBER.
I SEE.
KIDS' HELMETS, HELMETS YOU GET AT TOY SHOPS HELMETS YOU BUY AT CHRISTMAS NONE OF THEM HAS THAT NUMBER.
NONE OF THEM IS AUTHENTIC.
HANG ON.
OH, COULD I HANG ON! MIND YOU, I DIDN'T JOIN THE POLICE FORCE JUST TO WEAR THE HELMET, YOU KNOW.
OH.
THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF THE LITTLE PERKS.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF JOBS WHERE I COULD HAVE WORN A HELME BUT NOT SUCH A NICE HELMET.
THIS HELMET, I THINK BEATS EVEN SOME OF THE MORE ELABORATE HELMETS WORN BY THE TSAR'S PRIVATE ARMY THE SO-CALLED AXI RED WARRIORS.
YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM? WELL, NO, I DON'T.
AH! THEIR HELMETS USED TO LOOK LIKE YOU GOT ANY PAPER? WELL, ONLY THESE SCRIPTS.
HOLD ON.
HEY! I'LL HAVE THAT.
I SAY.
NOW THEN THEIR HELME WAS NOT UNLIKE THE BOBBY'S HELME IN BASIC SHAPE.
IT HAD AN EMBLEM HERE AND THREE GOLD AND IN THOSE DAYS IT REALLY WAS GOLD.
THAT'S PART OF THE REASON WHY THE TSAR WAS SO UNPOPULAR THREE GOLD BANDS SURMOUNTED BY A GOLDEN EAGLE ON THE APEX HERE.
PRETTY NICE HELMET, EH? YES.
I THINK THE DOMED HELME WINS EVERY TIME OVER THE FLATTENED JOB, YOU KNOW EVEN WHEN THEY'RE THREE-CORNERED OR YOU WAN SOMETHING TO EAT? WELL, NO, UH, I MEAN, REALLY HANG ON.
YOU CAN'T PARK HERE, YOU KNOW.
WE'RE NOT PARKED.
NOT PARKED! WHAT'S THAT THEN? THAT'S OUR LUNCH.
RIGHT.
I'M TAKING THAT IN FOR A FORENSIC EXAMINATION.
WHY? BECAUSE IT MIGH HAVE BEEN USED AS A MURDER WEAPON, THAT'S WHY! NOW, CLEAR OFF! YEAH, NOT BAD.
COULD BE WORSE.
BEER? NO, NO, PLEASE! HONESTLY, PLEASE NOW THEN, THE CHALDEANS, WHO USED TO INHABIT THE AREA IN BETWEEN THE TIGRIS AND EUPHRATES RIVERS THEIR HELMETS WAS OF THE MODULAR RESTRAINED KIND OF TYPE OH, ROBERT, TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL.
OH, YOU ARE, YOU ARE.
OH, ROBERT, DO YOU MEAN THAT? OF COURSE I DO.
YOU'RE NO JUST SAYING I BECAUSE I ASKED YOU TO? OF COURSE NOT.
OH, ROBERT, ARE YOU SURE I DOESN'T PUT YOU OFF? WHAT? MY FATHER WANTING TO COME AND LIVE WITH US.
NO, OF COURSE I DON'T MIND YOUR FATHER COMING TO LIVE WITH US.
HE WOULDN'T JUST BE LIVING WITH US.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, HE FINDS I VERY DIFFICUL TO GET TO SLEEP ON HIS OWN SO I SAID HE COULD SLEEP WITH US.
HE WANTS TO PU HIS BED IN OUR ROOM?! NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
OH, GOOD.
OUR BED IS PLENTY BIG ENOUGH FOR THREE.
WHAT? HE'D JUST GET INTO BED AND GO TO SLEEP.
NO, I'M NOT HAVING THAT! OH, ROBERT, I THOUGH YOU LOVED ME! WELL, I DO, BUT WELL, HE WOULDN'T LOOK.
HE'S BOUND TO PEEK.
NO, NO, HE WOULDN'T, HONESTLY.
NO! NO! NO! YOU YOUNG COUPLE JUST CARRY ON.
TAKE NO NOTICE OF ME.
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL AS THOUGH I'M GETTING IN THE WAY.
OH, NO, DAD, YOU'RE NOT.
NO, NO GOOD! WELL I THINK I'LL GET TO SLEEP.
ARE YOU SURE? OH, YES, I'M A BIT TIRED AFTER THE WEDDING.
BOB, WHAT ABOUT YOU? OH, YES, ALL RIGHT, YES.
OH, WELL, I SEEM TO BE O.
C.
LIGHTS.
GOOD NIGHT, DARLING.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT! FATHER? FATHER, WHA ARE YOU DOING? I'M MAKING A BOAT.
WHAT? IT'S A CUTTY SARK.
IT'S A MODEL I'VE BEEN MAKING IN THE DARK FOR SOME YEARS NOW.
WELL, WOULDN' IT BE BETTER WITH THE LIGHT ON? NO, NO, I'M MAKING IT IN THE DARK THAT'S THE POINT.
OH, DEAR IT'S NOT AS ACCURATE AS I THOUGHT.
IT'S NO THE CUTTY SARK! WELL, IT HASN'T GO ITS SAILS ON YET.
OH, WELL, I'LL I'LL HAVE A LOOK AT I IN THE DARK ROOM IN THE MORNING.
GOOD NIGHT! U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
WILL YOU SHUT UP IN THERE? SHUT UP! SHUT THAT'S BETTER.
I am myself indifferent honest, but yet, I could accuse me OF SUCH THINGS THAT IT WERE BETTER MY MOTHER HAD NOT BORNE ME.
O FAIR OPHELIA, NYMPH, IN THY ORISONS BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBERED.
SO ANYWAY, YOU'VE GOT THE GIRL ON THE BED AND HER LEGS ARE ON THE MANTELPIECE OUT! WE'RE HIT! JUMP! GOOD GOD, SIR, LOOK AT THAT.
QUIET, YOU'LL WAKE HIM.
SORRY, SIR.
LET'S TRY TO REACH THE CITY WALLS BEFORE HE WAKES UP.
YES, SIR! SHH! QUIET.
RIGHT, SORRY, SIR.
SORRY, SIR.
TOO LATE! WE'RE SAVED! THAT WAS A GREAT FIGHT, CHAMP A GREAT FIGHT, YOU HEAR? OH, BOY, WHAT A FIGHT, CHAMP! WHAT A GREAT FIGHT! YOU NEARLY HAD HIM, CHAMP, YOU NEARLY HAD HIM WHERE'S HIS HEAD? I GOT IT IN HERE, MR.
GABRIELLO.
YOU WERE GREAT, CHAMP, DO YOU HEAR? YOU WERE GREAT! HE GOT A NASTY CUT OVER HIS EYE.
YEAH, I THINK IT WAS A MISTAKE HIM WEARING SPECTACLES.
OH, WELL, GET THA SEWN ONTO HIS BODY IN TIME FOR THE PRESS PICTURES! OKAY, MR.
GABRIELLO.
AH, WASN'T HE GREAT, MY BOY? HE WAS GREAT, MR.
GABRIELLO.
THE WAY HE KEP ON FIGHTING AFTER HIS HEAD CAME OFF.
HE WAS BETTER WHEN THE HEAD CAME OFF, MR.
GABRIELLO.
HE WAS REALLY DODGING THE GUY.
YEAH, I RECKON IF HE COULD'VE LASTED TILL THE END OF THAT FIRST MINUTE HE WOULD'VE HAD THE KILLER WORRIED.
SURE, MR.
GABRIELLO.
OH, HE WAS GREAT! DID YOU SEE HIS LEFT ARM? NO.
OKAY, WE'LL LOOK AROUND THE HALL AFTER EVERYONE'S GONE.
DO YOU REALIZE, MR.
GABRIELLO SOME OF THOSE GUYS OUT THERE PAID OVER $2,000 FOR A RINGSIDE SEAT? AND WHERE DOES THE HEAD LAND? RIGHT AT THE BACK THAT'S JUSTICE.
OH, BOY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? THIS YOUR BOY'S HEAD? NO, NO, WE GO HIS HEAD! HE AIN'T HUR THAT BAD.
HEY, THAT'S JERRY MARINELLO.
HE FOUGHT THE KILLER LAST WEEK.
OKAY, GIVE I TO ME.
I'M SEEING HIS TRAINER TOMORROW.
I'LL GIVE IT TO HIM.
HEY, MR.
GABRIELLO, THE PRESS IS STILL OUTSIDE.
YOU READY FOR THEM? HOW'S THE CHAMP? WELL, THE HEAD'S ON OKAY BUT THERE'S STILL A LEFT ARM MISSING.
OKAY, WELL, KEEP THE DRESSING GOWN KIND OF LOOSE, OKAY? OKAY, BOYS, COME ON IN! MR.
GABRIELLO! DID YOU EXPEC YOUR BOY TO LAS THE FULL 28 SECONDS? THIS BOY HAS NEVER LET ME DOWN.
HE'S THE PLUCKIES GODDAMN FIGHTER I EVER TRAINED.
WERE YOU WORRIED WHEN HIS HEAD STARTED TO COME LOOSE? NO, NO, WE WAS EXPECTING THAT.
I TOLD HIM TO EXPEC IT AND HE DID.
HE AIN'T STUPID.
HEY, CAN WE HAVE A WORD WITH THE CHAMP? YEAH, OKAY, BUT KEEP THE QUESTIONS SIMPLE.
HEY, CHAMP, HOW YOU FEELING? I SAID KEEP THE QUESTIONS SIMPLE! MR.
GABRIELLO PEOPLE ARE SAYING THE KID OUGH TO BE BURIED.
HIS HEAD'S COME OFF IN THE LAS SIX FIGHTS.
THERE'S NO QUESTION OF BURYING THE KID! HE'S JUST REACHING THE TOP.
WELL, SHOULDN' HE JUST STAY IN THE HOSPITAL? NO, HE AIN'T GOING TO NO HOSPITAL.
HE'S GOT THE RETURN FIGHT NEXT WEEK.
And there's Frank Sinatra leaving the ring.
Behind him is George Raft, another great boxing fan Martin Bormann, acknowledging the applause and with him, of course, is Gus Himmler who did an awful lot for the sport in his country in the early 1940s.
And here comes the champ now.
He really seems in good shape to meet the killer once again before an audience some of whom have paid $920,000 million for the privilege of seeing this boy get beaten up.
And there's the bell.
QUIET! and a left and a right jab that's taken half the champ's shoulder off.
And here's the killer again with a right and another left and a bash with a hammer and a terrific smack with a heavy thud right into the skull and there's a gaping hole right through the champ's body now.
And now the killer's working on the cut eye with a series of beautifully placed punches and the head's coming loose! The champ must try and keep his head on.
The killer's kicked him in the groin and he's bitten half his left buttock off and the referee's stepped in with a warning there.
What a plucky fighter this champ is.
He's fighting as well as I've ever seen him.
He must be losing blood at the rate of a pint a second now.
It's everywhere.
Certainly those who paid $1.
5 million for those ringside seats are really getting their money's worth.
They're covered in it.
And his head's off! in so many fights is off in the 31st second.
It's rolled away down to the left.
But what's happening? The killer's being talked to by the referee.
There's the champ's plucky little body racing around the ring, trying to find his opponent.
And the killer has been disqualified! This great fighter, who has killed more than 50 people in his boxing career, has at last been defeated by this courageous, headless little southpaw from New York.
And there's a great roar here as the referee raises the arm of the new World Heavyweight Champion.
What a pity the rest of his body wasn't here to see it.
Well, here in London it's 12:30 and time for The Robinsons an everyday story of blah-di- blah-di-blah-di-blah.
and so on.
Morning, Mrs.
Robinson.
Morning, Mrs.
Non-Robinson.
Been shopping? No I've been shopping.
What'd you buy? A piston engine.
What did you buy that for? BLOODY RUBBISH! I WANTED TO LISTEN TO THAT.
MORNING, MRS.
GORILLA.
MORNING, MRS.
NON-GORILLA.
HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING? NO BEEN SHOPPING.
DID YOU BUY ANYTHING? A PISTON ENGINE.
WHAT DID YOU BUY THAT FOR? OOH! IT WAS A BARGAIN.
OOH! TWEET, TWEET, TWEET.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES, COME ON.
NICE LITTLE BIRDIES.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES.
COME AND SEE WHAT MOMMY'S GOT FOR YOU.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES.
TWEETY, TWEETY, COME ON, TWEETY, TWEETY.
OOH, LOOK AT THIS, TWEETY, TWEETY.
NICE ONE, COME ON, COME ON.
TWEET, TWEET.
COME ON, LITTLE BIRDIES, TWEET, TWEET.
OH.
HELLO, MRS.
SMOKER.
HELLO, MRS.
NON-SMOKER.
WHAT, YOU BEEN SHOPPING, THEN? NO, I'VE BEEN SHOPPING.
OH, WHA DID YOU BUY? A PISTON ENGINE.
WHAT DID YOU BUY THAT FOR? IT WAS A BARGAIN! HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT? THREE QUID.
DONE.
RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
HOW DO YOU COOK IT? YOU DON'T COOK IT.
YOU CAN'T EA THAT RAW! OOH, NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
OH, DAY AND NIGHT, BU THIS IS WONDROUS STRANGE.
AND THEREFORE IS A STRANGER WELCOME IT.
THERE ARE MORE THINGS IN HEAVEN AND EARTH, HORATIO THAN ARE DREAMT OF IN YOUR PHILOSOPHY.
BUT COME, THE TIME IS OUT OF JOINT.
O CURSED SPITE, THAT EVER I WAS BORN TO SET IT RIGHT.
LET'S GO TOGETHER.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO A ROOM IN POLONIUS'S HOUSE.
WELL, TONIGHT IS EUROPEAN CUP NIGHT.
ONE RESULT IN ALREADY FROM MUNICH.
THE EUROPEAN CUP, FIRST ROUND, SECOND LEG BAYERN MUNCHEN 4,397; WREXHAM 1.
SO WREXHAM GOING THROUGH THERE ON AGGREGATE.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME FOR RACING SO LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER TO EPSOM AND BRIAN McNULTY.
WELL, OVER HERE AT EPSOM, THERE ARE CHANCES APLENTY FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO MAKE A GOOD START IN DENTISTRY.
DENTISTRY.
IT'S A WELL-OFF SUBURB SO MOST PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN TEETH AND SURGERIES ARE OPENING AT THE RATE OF FOUR OR FIVE A WEEK.
WELL, IT'S ONLY 44 MINUTES FROM THE WEST END ON THE TRAIN AND IT'S NOT TOO BUILT UP, SO YOU CAN HAVE A NICE GARDEN.
AND THE PEOPLE OF EPSOM ARE A VERY NICE CLASS OF PERSON.
WELL, HERE IN HIGH STREET, EPSOM THERE ARE AMPLE OPPORTUNITIES FOR ALL KINDS OF REDEVELOPMENT.
AS YOU CAN SEE, BEHIND ME NOW THERE ARE A HIGH LEVEL OF LOW-DENSITY CONSUMER UNITS STILL NOT FULLY MAXIMIZING SITE VALUE.
THIS COULD BE RADICALLY IMPROVED BY A CAREFULLY PLANNED PROGRAM OF DEMOLITION AND OF COURSE, MOST OF THE OCCUPANTS ARE ELDERLY FOLKS SO THEY WOULDN'T PUT UP MUCH OF A FIGHT.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
WELL, IN FACT, THERE'S STILL A FEW MINUTES TO GO BEFORE THE MAIN RACE ON THE CARD THIS AFTERNOON THE QUEEN VICTORIA HANDICAP.
SO LET'S HAVE A QUICK WORD WITH THE WINNER OF THE LAST RACE ONE OF THE SEASON'S TOP JOCKEYS, RONNIE MAU-MAU.
GOOD AFTERNOON, RONNIE.
GOOD AFTERNOON, BRIAN.
A VERY FINE RIDE THERE, RONNIE.
WELL, A FINE HORSE, BRIAN YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.
DO YOU FANCY YOUR CHANCES FOR THE DERBY? OH, VERY DEFINITELY.
VERY DEFINITELY, INDEED.
CERTAINLY, BRIAN.
WELL, LET'S JUST SEE IF A COLLEAGUE OF YOURS AGREES WITH THAT.
LET'S JUST HAVE A QUICK WORD WITH DESMOND WILLET AFTERNOON, DES.
GOOD AFTERNOON, BRIAN.
NO CHANCE, NO CHANCE AT ALL.
NO, NO, I THINK YOU'RE WRONG THERE, DES.
I THINK WITH THE RIGHT KIND OF GOING HE'S GOING TO BE IN THERE AT THE FINISH, DES.
NO CHANCE, THERE'S NO CHANCE.
WELL, IN FACT, I CAN SEE LAST SEASON'S TOP JOCKEY, JOHNNY KNOWLES.
GOOD AFTERNOON, JOHNNY.
HELLO, BRIAN.
UH, COULD WE HAVE A BOX FOR JOHNNY, PLEASE? THANK YOU.
HELLO, BRIAN, THANK YOU.
THAT'S BETTER.
WELL, THERE YOU ARE THREE VERY WELL-KNOWN FACES FROM THE RACING WORLD.
THANKS VERY MUCH FOR COMING ALONG THIS AFTERNOON, LADS.
NOT AT ALL.
AND BEST WISHES FOR THE DERBY.
THANK YOU, BRIAN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, IN FACT, I HEAR THEY'RE READY FOR US NOW AT THE START OF THE MAIN RACE THIS AFTERNOON SO LET'S GO RIGHT AWAY AND JOIN PETER AT THE START.
WELL, THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS FOR THIS VERY VALUABLE QUEEN VICTORIA HANDICAP.
AND THEY'RE OFF.
AND QUEEN VICTORIA A GOOD CLEAN JUMP OFF FOLLOWED BY QUEEN VICTORIA QUEEN VICTORIA AND QUEEN VICTORIA.
IT'S QUEEN VICTORIA FROM QUEEN VICTORIA WITH QUEEN VICTORIA MAKING THE EARLY RUNNING ON THE INSIDE.
AND AT THE BACK, QUEEN VICTORIA ALREADY A COUPLE OF LENGTHS BEHIND THE LEADERS.
QUEEN VICTORIA NOW MOVED UP TO CHALLENGE QUEEN VICTORIA WITH QUEEN VICTORIA LOSING GROUND.
QUEEN VICTORIA TUCKED IN NEATLY ON THE STAND SIDE WITH A CLEAR VIEW.
QUEEN VICTORIA STILL THE BACK MARKER AS THEY APPROACH THE HALFWAY MARK BUT MAKING GROUND NOW AND STARTING TO PASS QUEEN VICTORIA WITH QUEEN VICTORIA QUEEN VICTORIA AND QUEEN VICTORIA STILL WELL PLACED AS THEY APPROACH THE FIRST FENCE.
AND AT THE FIRST FENCE, IT'S QUEEN VICTORIA JUST AHEAD OF QUEEN VICTORIA WITH QUEEN VICTORIA FALLING AWAY IN THIRD PLACE.
AND QUEEN VICTORIA IN THE REAR WELL, A VERY EXCITING RACE THERE AT EPSOM.
AND NOW OVER TO THE EUROPEAN CUP AT BARCELONA WHERE THE LATEST NEWS IS THAT MIGUEL OTANA, THE BURLY REAL MADRID STRIKER WAS SENT OFF FOR BREAKING WIND IN THE 43rd MINUTE.
HE'D ALREADY BEEN CAUTIONED FOR PURSING HIS LIPS EARLIER ON IN THE GAME AND NOW HE'S OFF.
SO LET'S SEE A PLAYBACK OF THAT BRIAN.
YES, UH, WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE'S OTANA NOW.
UH, HE GETS THE, UH, THE THROUGH BALL FROM GOMEZ AND, UH, HE MAKES NO ATTEMP TO PLAY THE BALL.
HE QUITE DELIBERATELY LETS OFF.
AND TO MY MIND, HE WAS WITHIN THE BOX AND THE REFEREE HAD NO OPTION WHATSOEVER BUT TO SEND HIM OFF.
JIMMY? GOOD EVENING.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT? WELL, THE REFEREES REALLY ARE CLAMPING DOWN THESE DAYS.
ONLY LAST WEEK, THE BELGIAN CAPTAIN WAS SENT OFF FOR HAVING A SONY RADIO CASSETTE PLAYER.
AND GONERELLI, THAT HUGE ITALIAN DEFENDER, WAS SENT OFF IN TURIN FOR HAVING HIS SITTING AND DINING ROOM KNOCKED THROUGH TO FORM AN OPEN LIVING AREA.
HAMLET? GOOD EVENING.
YOU'VE GOT THE GIRL ON THE BED.
HER LEGS ARE UP ON THE MANTELPIECE COME ON, GO ON, OUT.
WAIT, I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.
I GOT AWAY.
MISSED.
MISSED, MISSED AGAIN.
UGH! OOH, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, WAIT! LET FOUR CAPTAINS BEAR HAMLE LIKE A SOLDIER TO THE STAGE FOR HE WAS LIKELY, HAD HE BEEN PUT ON TO HAVE PROVED MOST ROYALLY AND THEN