Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s04e06 Episode Script
Party Political Broadcast
1 THERE NOW FOLLOWS A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAS ON BEHALF OF THE LIBERAL PARTY.
Pratt, back to Pratt.
Pratt again, a long ball out to Pratt and now Pratt is on the ball a neat little flick back inside to Pratt, who takes it nicely and sends it through on the far side to Pratt.
Pratt with it but passes instead to Pratt, Pratt again Oh, and well intercepted by the swarthy little number nine Concito Maracon.
This 21-year-old halfback remarkably stocky for six foot, three inches square shouldered, balding giant, hair flowing in the wind bright-eyed, pert, young for his age but oh-so-old in so many ways.
For a 39-year-old you wouldn't expect such speed.
Normally considered slow Sweeping up and taking the defense to the cleaners.
Who would have thought, though many expected it this remarkable 45-year-old nine foot, four inches dwarf of a man who is still only 17 in some parts of the world would ever really be oh, and there was a goal there apparently and now it's Pratt, back to Pratt Pratt again a long ball out to Pratt I REALLY LIKE THIS ANO-WHEAT.
IT REALLY UNCLOGS ME.
OH, DO BE CAREFUL! SORRY, MUM.
I MEAN, A LO OF THE OTHERS SAY THEY UNCLOG YOU BUT I NEVER HAD A SINGLE BOWEL MOVEMEN WITH THEM "RECTO-PUFFS.
" NOW, IF WE OH, SORRY, MUM.
IF WE LIVED IN RHODESIA THERE'D BE SOMEONE TO MOP THAT UP FOR YOU.
DON'T BE SO BLEEDIN' STUPID.
IF YOU LIVED IN BLEEDIN' RHODESIA YOU'D BE OUT AT BLEEDIN' FASCIS RALLIES EVERY BLEEDIN' DAY.
YOU'RE A BLEEDIN' RACIST, YOU BLEEDIN' ARE! LANGUAGE! WELL, HE GETS ON MY SODDING WICK.
THAT'S BETTER.
NO, THE STUFF I LIKED WAS THAT STUFF THEY GAVE YOU BEFORE THE WAR WHAT WAS IT? WILKINSON'S NUMBER EIGH LAXATIVE CEREAL.
WHEW, THAT ONE WENT THROUGH YOU LIKE A BLOODY FERRARI.
NOW, WHO'S THA AT THIS TIME OF DAY? IF IT'S THE MAN TO EMPTY THE ELSAN TELL HIM IT'S IN THE HALL.
RIGHT, DEAR.
AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU HOLD I THE RIGH WAY UP.
DAD? YEAH? NO, NO, MY DAD.
OH.
DAD, WHY IS RHODESIA CALLED RHODESIA? OH, SORRY, DAD.
NO, NO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NO, I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, INDEED.
NO, THANK YOU FOR CALLING.
NOT TODAY, THANK YOU.
GOOD MORNING.
WHO WAS THAT? THE LIBERAL PARTY CANDIDATE, DARLING.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW? SORRY, MUM.
I WAS JUS WASHING UP.
GO AND SIT DOWN! MUM MUM, DO YOU KNOW WHY RHODESIA'S CALLED RHODESIA? DO YOU REMEMBER "GO-EAZI"? THEY WERE HOPELESS LITTLE BLACK PELLETS TASTED FOUL AND THEY STUCK INSIDE YOU LIKE FLOORING ADHESIVE.
WELL, I'M OFF! WHAT TIME ARE YOU COMING BACK TONIGHT? 3:00 A.
M! I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING YOU A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT.
LAST NIGHT I HEARD YOU SNOGGING AWAY.
WE WAS NOT SNOGGING! SURE SOUNDED LIKE SNOGGING TO ME.
I COULD HEAR HIS GREAT WET, SLOBBERING LIPS GOING AT YOU AND HIS HAND GOING DAD! YEAH? NO, NOT YOU.
OH.
JUST MIND YOUR LANGUAGE.
OH, SORRY, MUM.
I'VE RUN OUT OF BEANS! WE WAS TALKING! WE WAS NOT SNOGGING! TALKING ABOU SNOGGING, I'LL BET.
IF YOU MUST KNOW WE WAS TALKING ABOU COUNCIL RE-HOUSING! WOULD IT MEAN GOING TO LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD? I'VE RUN OUT OF BEANS! WHERE TO RE-HOUSE HIS RIGHT HAND THAT'S ALL HE WAS INTERESTED IN! AND HAS FAYE DUNAWAY DEFINITELY SAID YES? HE IS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSING SUBCOMMITTEE.
SNOGGING SUBCOMMITTEE, MORE LIKE.
RALPH, DO ANSWER THAT DOOR, WILL YOU? BEANS! SHUT UP!! YES, MUM.
IF IT'S THE MAN FROM PROBBO-RIB TELL HIM IT'S IN THE BED.
ALL RIGHT.
SORRY, MUM.
POSTMAAAAN! WELL, A VERY GOOD TRY THERE BY THE GARIBALDI FAMILY OF DROITWICH IN WORCESTERSHIRE.
PROFESSOR? WELL, I CAN' MAKE UP MY MIND ABOUT THIS FAMILY.
I DON'T THINK THERE WAS THE SUSTAINED AWFULNESS THAT WE REALLY NEED.
I MEAN, THE FATHER WAS APPALLING APPALLING, YES.
HE WAS DIRTY, SMELLY AND DISTASTEFUL AND I LIKED HIM VERY MUCH, BUT LADY ORGANS? WELL, THEY WERE AN UNPLEASAN FAMILY, CERTAINLY BUT I DON' THINK WE HAD ANY OF THE REALLY GROSS AWFULNESS WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
WELL, HARSH WORDS THERE FOR THE GARIBALDI FAMILY OF DROITWICH IN WORCESTERSHIRE AT PRESENT HOLDERS OF THE EAS MIDLANDS MOST-AWFUL-FAMILY AWARD LOWER MIDDLE-CLASS SECTION BUT UNABLE TODAY TO SCORE MORE THAN 15 ON OUR DISGUSTOMETER.
WELL, WITH THE SCORES ALL IN FROM THE JUDGES THE GARIBALDIS ARE NUMBER THREE AND A SURPRISE AT NUMBER TWO: THE FANSHAW-CHUMLEIGHS OF BERKSHIRE.
WELL, SOME OF THE WONDERFUL BEHAVIOR THAT MADE THE FANSHAW-CHUMLEIGHS THE SECOND-MOST-AWFUL FAMILY IN BRITAIN, 1974.
BUT THE WINNERS, BY A CLEAR TEN-POINT MARGIN ONCE AGAIN, THE AWFUL JODRELL FAMILY OF DURHAM.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW YOU SOME OF THE PERFORMANCE THAT WON THEM THE AWARD BUT I ASSURE YOU IT WAS OF THE VERY HIGHEST STANDARD WAS IT NOT, LADY ORGANS? OH, YES, SUPERB.
I MEAN, MR.
JODRELL YOU KNOW, THE OLD GRANDFATHER WHO LICKS THE YES, YES HE'S SUPERB.
HIS GOBBING IS CONSISTEN AND ACCURATE.
HIS SON IS A DIRTY, FOUL LITTLE CREATURE AND THOSE FRIGHTFUL SCABS WHICH MRS.
JODRELL WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY ORGANS AND FROM ALL OF US, WELL DONE TO THE JODRELLS AND TO ALL OF YOU, NOT FORGETTING THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY BE HALFWAY IN BETWEEN WITHOUT WHOM, OF COURSE AND NOT FORGETTING WHO MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE WHEN, AND WE'LL BE BACK UNTIL THEN, AND SO IT'S GOOD NIGHT FROM ME AND HERE'S WISHING YOU A SAFE JOURNEY HOME.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THIS SHOW.
DON'T FORGET IT WAS ALL GREAT FUN, I EN JOYED I AND I HOPE YOU WATCHING AT HOME HAVE EN JOYED IT TOO.
THE JODRELLS WIN EVERY BLOODY YEAR.
MAKES YOU VOMIT! DAD? YES? GET YOUR STINKING FEE OFF THE BREAD.
I'M ONLY WIPING THE CAT'S DO'S OFF! MUM? SHUT YOUR GOB, DOUGLAS.
I WANT MORE CORN PLASTERS! SHUT UP AND EA WHAT YOU GOT! SOME FAT BASTARD AT THE DOOR! SHUT UP! A STRONG HIVE OF BEES CONTAINS APPROXIMATELY 75,000 BEES.
EACH HONEYBEE MUST MAKE 154 TRIPS TO COLLEC ONE TEASPOONFUL OF HONEY.
HELLO, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME OF OUR HONEY, SIR? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE THE CALIFORNIAN ORANGE BLOSSOM THE MEXICAN, THE NEW ZEALAND OR THE SCOTTISH HEATHER? HE CAN'T EAT HONEY.
IT MAKES HIM GO PLOP-PLOPS! COME ON, PLEASE TRY SOME.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE SOME ICELANDIC HONEY.
NO, THERE IS NO SUCH THING.
YOU MEAN YOU DON'T MAKE ANY HONEY AT ALL? NO, NO, WE MUST IMPORT IT ALL, EVERY BALLY DROP.
WE ARE A GLOOMY PEOPLE.
IT'S SO CRIKEY COLD AND DARK UP THERE AND THERE'S ONLY FISH TO EAT.
FISH AND IMPORTED HONEY.
OH, STREWTH! WELL, WHY DO YOU HAVE A WEEK? LISTEN, BUSTER! IN REYKJAVIK IT IS DARK FOR EIGHT MONTHS OF THE YEAR AND IT'S COLD ENOUGH TO FREEZE YOUR WRISTS OFF AND THERE'S ONLY GOLLY FISH TO EAT.
ADMINISTRATIVE ERRORS ARE BOUND TO OCCUR IN ENORMOUS QUANTITIES.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S ALL A MISTAKE.
IT'S A REAL PAIN IN THE SPHINCTER! ICELANDIC HONEY WEEK? MY LIFE! WELL, WHY DO YOU COME IN HERE TRYING TO FLOG THE STUFF, THEN? LISTEN, COWBOY, I GOT A JOB TO DO.
IT'S A STUPID, POINTLESS JOB BUT AT LEAS IT KEEPS ME AWAY FROM ICELAND, ALL RIGHT? THE LEG OF THE WORKER BEE HAS U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
WELL, MR.
COTTON, YOU HAVE WHAT WE IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION CALL A NAUGHTY COMPLAINT.
NOW, MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO PUT THIS PAPER BAG OVER YOUR HEAD IT'S GOT LITTLE HOLES THERE, YOU SEE LITTLE HOLES FOR YOUR EYES AND TO RING THIS BELL AND TO TAKE THIS CARD ALONG TO YOUR HOSPITAL, OKAY? AND I SHALL INFORM ALL YOUR RELATIVES AND FRIENDS AND ANYONE ELSE THAT I HAPPEN TO BUMP INTO, OKAY? CASH, WASN'T IT? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GET OUT.
DIRTY LITTLE MAN.
HIPPOCRATIC OATH, HIPPOCRATIC OH, IT'S NOT IN THERE.
JOLLY GOOD.
VERY USEFUL.
NEXT! AH, YES, YOU MUST BE MR.
WILLIAMS.
WELL, DO TAKE A SEAT.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE? I'VE JUST BEEN STABBED BY YOUR NURSE! OH, DEAR, YES, WELL I'D PROBABLY BETTER HAVE A LOOK AT YOU THEN.
COULD YOU FILL IN THIS FORM FIRST? SHE JUST STABBED ME.
YES, SHE'S AN UNPREDICTABLE SORT.
LOOK, YOU SEEM TO BE BLEEDING RATHER BADLY.
I THINK YOU'D BETTER HURRY UP AND FILL IN THAT FORM.
COULDN'T I FILL I IN LATER, DOCTOR? NO, NO, YOU'LL HAVE BLED TO DEATH BY THEN.
CAN YOU HOLD A PEN? I'LL TRY.
YES, JOLLY GOOD.
IT'S A HELL OF A NUISANCE ALL THIS DAMN PAPERWORK.
REALLY, IT IS.
IT'S A REAL NIGHTMARE, THIS PAPERWORK.
IT REALLY IS A HELL OF A NUISANCE.
SOMETHING OUGH TO BE DONE ABOUT IT.
DO I HAVE TO ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS, DOCTOR? NO, NO, NO, JUST JUST FILL IN AS MANY AS YOU CAN.
NO NEED TO GO INTO TOO MUCH DETAIL, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE BOTHER WITH IT ALL, REALLY IT'S SUCH A NUISANCE.
WELL, LET'S SEE HOW YOU'VE DONE, THEN.
OH, YES.
OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR THAT'S NO VERY GOOD, IS IT? LOOK, SURELY YOU KNEW NUMBER FOUR! NO IT'S FROM THE MERCHANT OF VENICE.
EVEN I KNEW THAT! IT'S GOING ON THE CARPET, DOCTOR.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT! LOOK AT THIS NUMBER SIX IT'S THE TREATY OF VERSAILLES! DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT? OH, MY GOD.
AND NUMBER NINE EMERSON FITTIPALDI! VIRGINIA WADE? YOU MUST BE MAD! OH, DOCTOR I'VE JUST SHO ANOTHER PATIENT.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY POIN IN YOUR SEEING HIM.
YOU DIDN'T KILL HIM, DID YOU? AFRAID SO.
YOU MUSTN'T KILL THEM, NURSE.
OH, I'M SORRY, DOCTOR.
IT WAS JUST ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT.
RATHER SILLY, REALLY.
I'M SORRY ABOU THE CARPET, DOCTOR.
MR.
WILLIAMS, I'M AFRAID I CAN' GIVE YOU ANY MARKS SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO RECOMMEND YOU FOR HOSPITAL.
I TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL STOP THE BLEEDING BUT STRICTLY SPEAKING I SHOULDN' EVEN DO THA ON MARKS LIKE THESE.
THERE ARE NO MORE PATIENTS NOW, DOCTOR.
OH, WELL, LET'S GO FOR LUNCH, THEN.
WHAT ABOUT ER AH, YES, LOOK, MR.
WILLIAMS WE'RE JUST POPPING OU FOR A BITE OF LUNCH WHILE WE'VE GOT A SPARE MOMENT, YOU KNOW.
LOOK, HAVE ANOTHER BASH AT THE FORM AND IF AT LEAS YOU CAN ANSWER THE QUESTIONS ON HISTORY ALL RIGH THEN WE MAY BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU SOME MORPHINE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OKAY? THANK YOU, DOCTOR, THANK YOU.
DEAR SIR, I WISH TO PROTES IN THE STRONGES POSSIBLE TERMS.
YOURS SINCERELY - BRIGADIER N.
F.
- MARWOOD-GIT.
READ THAT BACK, WILL YOU, BRIAN? "AND WHEN HE HAD BUILT UP CEDRON "HE SENT HORSEMEN THERE "AND AN HOST OF FOOTMEN TO THE END "THAT ISSUING OU THEY MIGHT MAKE OUTROADS UPON THE WAYS OF JUDEA AS THE KING COMMANDED THEM.
" GOOD! POP IT IN AN ENVELOPE AND BUNG IT OFF! IT'S NO GOOD BOTTLING THINGS UP, BRIAN.
IF YOU FEEL THEM YOU MUST JUST SAY THEM OR YOU'LL JUST GO MAD.
OH, YES, INDEED.
AS THE BOOK OF MACCABEE SAID "YEA, AS THE FLEA IS LIKE UNTO AN OXEN "SO IS THE PRIVET HEDGE LIKEN UNTO A BOTANIS BLACK IN THY SIGHT, O LORD.
" QUITE.
LOOK, WHY DON' YOU JUST NIP OU FOR LUNCH, BRIAN? YEA, AS RAYMOND CHANDLER SAID "IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS "WHEN LOS ANGELES FEL LIKE A ROCK-HARD FIG.
" BRIAN, LET'S STOP THIS PRETENDING, SHALL WE? YEA, AS DIRK BOGARDE SAID IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY BRIAN! LET'S STOP ALL THIS FUTILE PRETENSE.
I'VE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MODERATELY FOND OF YOU.
WELL, TO BE QUITE FRANK, BRIGADIER ONE CAN'T WALK SO CLOSELY WITH A CHAP LIKE YOU FOR FOR SO LONG WITHOUT FEELING SOMETHING DEEP DOWN INSIDE EVEN IF IT ISN' ANYTHING ANYTHING VERY MUCH.
WELL, SPLENDID, BRIAN.
WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE THERE'S MUCH WE CAN DO, REALLY.
NOT ON TELEVISION, NO.
NO.
THEY, UH THEY ARE A LOT MORE PERMISSIVE THESE DAYS THAN THEY USED TO BE.
AH, YES, BUT NOT WITH THIS SORT OF THING.
NO.
I SUPPOSE THEY'VE GOT TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE.
YES.
YES.
WELL, TAKE A LETTER, BRIAN.
DEAR SIR, I WISH TO PROTEST OOH! HMM? OH.
HO-OH! OH, OH.
HMM? MMM MMM? THERE NOW FOLLOWS HELLO.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU TONIGH ABOUT A MINORITY GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO MENTAL OR PHYSICAL HANDICAPS AND WHO, THROUGH NO FAUL OF THEIR OWN HAVE NEVER BEEN DEPRIVED AND CONSEQUENTLY ARE FORCED TO LIVE IN CONDITIONS OF EXTREME LUXURY.
THIS OFTEN-IGNORED MINORITY IS VERY RARELY BROUGHT TO THE ATTENTION OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
THE AVERAGE MAN IN THE STREE SCARCELY GIVES A SECOND THOUGH TO THESE EXTREMELY WELL-OFF PEOPLE.
HE QUITE SIMPLY FAILS TO APPRECIATE THE PRESSURES THAT VAST QUANTITIES OF MONEY JUST DO NOT BRING.
HAVE YOU AT HOME EVER HAD TO COPE WITH THIS PROBLEM? OR THIS? I KNOW IT'S ONLY HUMAN TO SAY "OH, THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME" AND OF COURSE, IT WON'T.
So I'm asking you, please, please send no contributions, however large, to me.
There now follows a party political broadcast ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
HELLO, MADAM.
OH, HELLO, YOU MUS HAVE COME ABOUT FINISHING THE SENTENCES, YES.
OH, WELL, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO COME THROUGH THIS WAY, CERTAINLY.
OH, NICE PLACE YOU'VE GOT HERE.
YES, WELL, WE, UH LIKE IT.
YES, WE CERTAINLY DO, GOOD.
NOW, WHEN DID YOU FIRST START FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO FINISH SENTENCES, YES.
WELL, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S MY HUSBAND? YES, HE NEVER LETS YOU FINISH WHAT YOU'VE STARTED? QUITE, I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL YOU'LL NEVER FINISH A SENTENCE AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE? EXACT - LY IT MUST BE AWFUL.
IT'S DRIVING ME TO DRINK.
NO, ROU - ND THE BE - EN - D.
YES.
MAY I TAKE A SEAT.
THANK YOU.
YOU SEE, OUR METHOD IS TO REASSURE THE PATIEN BY RE-CREATING NORMAL CONDITIONS.
YES, THEN WE TRY AND GET THEM INTO A POSITION WHERE THEY SUDDENLY FIND THAT THEY'RE COMPLETING OTHER PEOPLE'S SENTENCES THEMSELVES.
SPOT ON, MRS SMITH.
GOOD, WELL, TRY NO TO OVERDO IT TO BEGIN WITH.
KEEP IT TO ONE OR TWO WORDS TO START OFF WITH, OTHERWISE YOU MAY FIND I'M TAKING ON TOO LONG A SENTENCE AND GETTING COMPLETELY STUCK.
GOOD, YES, WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR NOW, SO THANKS VERY MUCH FOR CALLING.
OH, NOT AT ALL.
AND I'D JUS LIKE TO SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING ALONG.
NOT AT ALL.
AND GOOD BYE, MR VERNON.
CARL! YES, DEAR? I'VE JUST HAD ANOTHER BABY.
OH, NO.
HOW MANY IS THAT NOW? UH, 12 SINCE LUNCH.
OH! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
THIS IS STONEHENGE, AND IT'S FROM HERE WE GO TO AFRICA.
WELL, HERE IT IS AT LAST, THE GOAL OF OUR QUEST.
AFTER SIX MONTHS AND THREE DAYS, WE'VE FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH THE LEGENDARY WALKING TREE OF DAHOMEY QUERCUS NICHOLAS PARSONSUS RESTING HERE FOR A MOMEN ON ITS LONG JOURNEY SOUTH.
IT'S ALMOST INCREDIBLE, ISN'T I TO THINK THAT THIS HUGE TREE HAS WALKED OVER 2,000 MILES ACROSS THIS INHOSPITABLE TERRAIN TO STOP HERE MAYBE JUST TO TAKE IN WATER BEFORE THE 2,000 MILES ON TO CAPE TOWN WHERE IT LIVES.
IT'S ALMOST UNIMAGINABLE, I FIND THE THOUGHT OF THIS MIGHTY TREE STROLLING THROUGH NIGERIA; PERHAPS SWAGGERING A LITTLE AS IT CROSSES THE BORDER INTO ZAIRE; HOPPING THROUGH THE TROPICAL RAIN FORES TRYING TO FIND A QUIET GROVE WHERE IT CAN JUMP AROUND ON ITS OWN; SPRINTING UP TO ZAMBIA FOR THE AFTERNOON, THEN NIPPING BACK OH, SUPER.
WELL, I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT THIS IS NOT IN FAC THE LEGENDARY WALKING TREE OF DAHOMEY.
THIS IS ONE OF AFRICA'S MANY STATIONARY TREES ARBORUS BAMBER GASCOIGNUS.
IN FACT, WE'VE JUST MISSED THE WALKING TREE.
IT LEFT HERE AT 8:00 THIS MORNING.
IT WAS HEADING OFF IN THAT DIRECTION SO WE'LL JUST SEE IF WE CAN GO AND CATCH IT UP.
COME ON, BOYS.
WELL, WE'RE STILL KEEPING UP WITH I BUT IT'S SETTING A FURIOUS PACE.
EARLY THIS MORNING, WE THOUGHT WE'D SPOTTED I BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN ANGOLAN SAUNTERING TREE AMAZELLUS ROBIN RAY OUT WALKING WITH A GAMBIAN SIDLING BUSH.
SO, ON WE GO.
IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT.
A WALKING TREE CAN ACHIEVE SPEEDS OF UP TO 50 MILES AN HOUR ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S IN A HURRY.
SUPER.
WELL, RUPERT HAS SPOTTED SOMETHING.
THIS COULD BE IT A WALKING TREE ON THE MOVE.
BUT WHAT RUPER HAD IN FACT DISCOVERED WAS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT THE TURKISH LITTLE RUDE PLANT.
THIS REMARKABLY SMUTTY PIECE OF FLORA WAS USED BY THE TURKS TO RAM UP EACH OTHERS' AH, NO! IN FACT, IT WAS SOMETHING EVEN MORE INTERESTING.
YES, THERE IT WAS, OVER THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLEARING THE LEGENDARY PUKING TREE OF MOZAMBIQUE.
NO, WHAT THEY'D COME ACROSS WAS A TRIBE LOST TO MAN SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL THE LEGENDARY BATSMEN OF THE KALAHARI.
PRIMITIVE CUSTOMS STILL SURVIVE HERE AS IF THE MARCH OF TIME HAD PASSED THEM BY.
BUT FOR ALL THE MUMBO JUMBO AND SUPERSTITION THE BATSMEN OF THE KALAHARI ARE FORMIDABLE FIGHTERS AS WE CAN SEE IN THIS RARE FOOTAGE OF THEM IN ACTION AGAINST WARWICKSHIRE.
WARWICKSHIRE HAD DISMISSED THE KALAHARI BATSMEN FOR 140 BUT THEN IT WAS THEIR TURN TO FACE THIS EXTRAORDINARY KALAHARI ATTACK.
PRATT WAS THE FIRST TO GO, BUT PRATT AND PRATT PUT ON A SECOND WICKET STAND OF NAUGH WHICH WAS BROKEN BY ODINGA IN HIS MOST HOSTILE MOOD.
THAT'S B.
PRATT, HIT WICKET NAUGHT.
BUT PRATT AND Z.
PRATT DUG IN AND TOOK THE SCORE TO A HALF BEFORE Z.
PRATT RAN AWAY.
BUT OUT CAME M.
J.
K.
PRATT TO PLAY A REAL CAPTAIN'S INNINGS.
HE'D TAKEN HIS OWN SCORE UP TO NAUGH WHEN HE MISTIMED A SHO OF BOWANGA AND WAS L.
B.
W.
TYPICAL OF UMBONGA'S HOSTILE OPENING SPELL WAS HIS DISMISSAL OF V.
E.
PRAT WHO OFFERED NO RESISTANCE TO THIS DELIVERY AND HE WAS CAUGHT BEHIND.
BUT BY LUNCH, THE SITUATION HAD CHANGED DRAMATICALLY.
AND SO, WITH THE TENSION COLOSSAL AS WE COME UP TO THE LAST BALL THAT'S ALL FROM US.
GOOD EVENING.
OVER £400,000 MILLION WERE WIPED OFF THE VALUE OF SHARES THIS AFTERNOON WHEN SOMEONE IN THE STOCK EXCHANGE COUGHED.
SPORT CAPITAL PUNISHMEN IS TO BE REINTRODUCED IN THE FIRST AND SECOND DIVISION.
ANY PLAYER FOUND TACKLING FROM BEHIND OR CONTROLLING THE BALL WITH THE LOWER PART OF THE ARM WILL BE HANGED.
BUT THE ELECTRIC CHAIR REMAINS THE STANDARD PUNISHMEN FOR THREATENING THE GOALIE.
REFEREES' CHAIRMAN LEN GOEBBELS SAID "AT LAST, THE REFEREE HAS BEEN GIVEN TEETH.
" FINALLY, POLITICS THE LATES OPINION POLL PUBLISHED TODAY SHOWS LABOR AHEAD WITH 40%, THE A.
A.
SECOND WITH 38% AND, NOT SURPRISINGLY KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN RUNNING THE LIBERALS A VERY CLOSE THIRD.
AND NOW, BACK TO ME HELLO.
AND NOW IT'S TIME TO GO OVER TO HUGH DELANEY AT PAIGNTON.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO PAIGNTON BECAUSE IT'S FROM PAIGNTON THAT WE TAKE YOU STRAIGHT BACK TO THE STUDIO.
HELLO, AND IT'S FROM HERE WE GO OVER THERE.
WELL, WE'RE ALREADY HERE, SO LET'S GO OVER THERE.
WELCOME BACK.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR PART EIGHT OF OUR SERIES ABOUT THE LIFE AND WORK OF URSULA HITLER THE SURREY HOUSEWIFE WHO REVOLUTIONIZED BRITISH BEEKEEPING IN THE 1930s.
THAT WAS A PARTY POLITICAL -CAS ON BEHALF OF THE LIBERAL PARTY.
Pratt, back to Pratt.
Pratt again, a long ball out to Pratt and now Pratt is on the ball a neat little flick back inside to Pratt, who takes it nicely and sends it through on the far side to Pratt.
Pratt with it but passes instead to Pratt, Pratt again Oh, and well intercepted by the swarthy little number nine Concito Maracon.
This 21-year-old halfback remarkably stocky for six foot, three inches square shouldered, balding giant, hair flowing in the wind bright-eyed, pert, young for his age but oh-so-old in so many ways.
For a 39-year-old you wouldn't expect such speed.
Normally considered slow Sweeping up and taking the defense to the cleaners.
Who would have thought, though many expected it this remarkable 45-year-old nine foot, four inches dwarf of a man who is still only 17 in some parts of the world would ever really be oh, and there was a goal there apparently and now it's Pratt, back to Pratt Pratt again a long ball out to Pratt I REALLY LIKE THIS ANO-WHEAT.
IT REALLY UNCLOGS ME.
OH, DO BE CAREFUL! SORRY, MUM.
I MEAN, A LO OF THE OTHERS SAY THEY UNCLOG YOU BUT I NEVER HAD A SINGLE BOWEL MOVEMEN WITH THEM "RECTO-PUFFS.
" NOW, IF WE OH, SORRY, MUM.
IF WE LIVED IN RHODESIA THERE'D BE SOMEONE TO MOP THAT UP FOR YOU.
DON'T BE SO BLEEDIN' STUPID.
IF YOU LIVED IN BLEEDIN' RHODESIA YOU'D BE OUT AT BLEEDIN' FASCIS RALLIES EVERY BLEEDIN' DAY.
YOU'RE A BLEEDIN' RACIST, YOU BLEEDIN' ARE! LANGUAGE! WELL, HE GETS ON MY SODDING WICK.
THAT'S BETTER.
NO, THE STUFF I LIKED WAS THAT STUFF THEY GAVE YOU BEFORE THE WAR WHAT WAS IT? WILKINSON'S NUMBER EIGH LAXATIVE CEREAL.
WHEW, THAT ONE WENT THROUGH YOU LIKE A BLOODY FERRARI.
NOW, WHO'S THA AT THIS TIME OF DAY? IF IT'S THE MAN TO EMPTY THE ELSAN TELL HIM IT'S IN THE HALL.
RIGHT, DEAR.
AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU HOLD I THE RIGH WAY UP.
DAD? YEAH? NO, NO, MY DAD.
OH.
DAD, WHY IS RHODESIA CALLED RHODESIA? OH, SORRY, DAD.
NO, NO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NO, I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, INDEED.
NO, THANK YOU FOR CALLING.
NOT TODAY, THANK YOU.
GOOD MORNING.
WHO WAS THAT? THE LIBERAL PARTY CANDIDATE, DARLING.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW? SORRY, MUM.
I WAS JUS WASHING UP.
GO AND SIT DOWN! MUM MUM, DO YOU KNOW WHY RHODESIA'S CALLED RHODESIA? DO YOU REMEMBER "GO-EAZI"? THEY WERE HOPELESS LITTLE BLACK PELLETS TASTED FOUL AND THEY STUCK INSIDE YOU LIKE FLOORING ADHESIVE.
WELL, I'M OFF! WHAT TIME ARE YOU COMING BACK TONIGHT? 3:00 A.
M! I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING YOU A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT.
LAST NIGHT I HEARD YOU SNOGGING AWAY.
WE WAS NOT SNOGGING! SURE SOUNDED LIKE SNOGGING TO ME.
I COULD HEAR HIS GREAT WET, SLOBBERING LIPS GOING AT YOU AND HIS HAND GOING DAD! YEAH? NO, NOT YOU.
OH.
JUST MIND YOUR LANGUAGE.
OH, SORRY, MUM.
I'VE RUN OUT OF BEANS! WE WAS TALKING! WE WAS NOT SNOGGING! TALKING ABOU SNOGGING, I'LL BET.
IF YOU MUST KNOW WE WAS TALKING ABOU COUNCIL RE-HOUSING! WOULD IT MEAN GOING TO LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD? I'VE RUN OUT OF BEANS! WHERE TO RE-HOUSE HIS RIGHT HAND THAT'S ALL HE WAS INTERESTED IN! AND HAS FAYE DUNAWAY DEFINITELY SAID YES? HE IS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSING SUBCOMMITTEE.
SNOGGING SUBCOMMITTEE, MORE LIKE.
RALPH, DO ANSWER THAT DOOR, WILL YOU? BEANS! SHUT UP!! YES, MUM.
IF IT'S THE MAN FROM PROBBO-RIB TELL HIM IT'S IN THE BED.
ALL RIGHT.
SORRY, MUM.
POSTMAAAAN! WELL, A VERY GOOD TRY THERE BY THE GARIBALDI FAMILY OF DROITWICH IN WORCESTERSHIRE.
PROFESSOR? WELL, I CAN' MAKE UP MY MIND ABOUT THIS FAMILY.
I DON'T THINK THERE WAS THE SUSTAINED AWFULNESS THAT WE REALLY NEED.
I MEAN, THE FATHER WAS APPALLING APPALLING, YES.
HE WAS DIRTY, SMELLY AND DISTASTEFUL AND I LIKED HIM VERY MUCH, BUT LADY ORGANS? WELL, THEY WERE AN UNPLEASAN FAMILY, CERTAINLY BUT I DON' THINK WE HAD ANY OF THE REALLY GROSS AWFULNESS WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
WELL, HARSH WORDS THERE FOR THE GARIBALDI FAMILY OF DROITWICH IN WORCESTERSHIRE AT PRESENT HOLDERS OF THE EAS MIDLANDS MOST-AWFUL-FAMILY AWARD LOWER MIDDLE-CLASS SECTION BUT UNABLE TODAY TO SCORE MORE THAN 15 ON OUR DISGUSTOMETER.
WELL, WITH THE SCORES ALL IN FROM THE JUDGES THE GARIBALDIS ARE NUMBER THREE AND A SURPRISE AT NUMBER TWO: THE FANSHAW-CHUMLEIGHS OF BERKSHIRE.
WELL, SOME OF THE WONDERFUL BEHAVIOR THAT MADE THE FANSHAW-CHUMLEIGHS THE SECOND-MOST-AWFUL FAMILY IN BRITAIN, 1974.
BUT THE WINNERS, BY A CLEAR TEN-POINT MARGIN ONCE AGAIN, THE AWFUL JODRELL FAMILY OF DURHAM.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW YOU SOME OF THE PERFORMANCE THAT WON THEM THE AWARD BUT I ASSURE YOU IT WAS OF THE VERY HIGHEST STANDARD WAS IT NOT, LADY ORGANS? OH, YES, SUPERB.
I MEAN, MR.
JODRELL YOU KNOW, THE OLD GRANDFATHER WHO LICKS THE YES, YES HE'S SUPERB.
HIS GOBBING IS CONSISTEN AND ACCURATE.
HIS SON IS A DIRTY, FOUL LITTLE CREATURE AND THOSE FRIGHTFUL SCABS WHICH MRS.
JODRELL WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY ORGANS AND FROM ALL OF US, WELL DONE TO THE JODRELLS AND TO ALL OF YOU, NOT FORGETTING THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY BE HALFWAY IN BETWEEN WITHOUT WHOM, OF COURSE AND NOT FORGETTING WHO MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE WHEN, AND WE'LL BE BACK UNTIL THEN, AND SO IT'S GOOD NIGHT FROM ME AND HERE'S WISHING YOU A SAFE JOURNEY HOME.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THIS SHOW.
DON'T FORGET IT WAS ALL GREAT FUN, I EN JOYED I AND I HOPE YOU WATCHING AT HOME HAVE EN JOYED IT TOO.
THE JODRELLS WIN EVERY BLOODY YEAR.
MAKES YOU VOMIT! DAD? YES? GET YOUR STINKING FEE OFF THE BREAD.
I'M ONLY WIPING THE CAT'S DO'S OFF! MUM? SHUT YOUR GOB, DOUGLAS.
I WANT MORE CORN PLASTERS! SHUT UP AND EA WHAT YOU GOT! SOME FAT BASTARD AT THE DOOR! SHUT UP! A STRONG HIVE OF BEES CONTAINS APPROXIMATELY 75,000 BEES.
EACH HONEYBEE MUST MAKE 154 TRIPS TO COLLEC ONE TEASPOONFUL OF HONEY.
HELLO, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME OF OUR HONEY, SIR? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE THE CALIFORNIAN ORANGE BLOSSOM THE MEXICAN, THE NEW ZEALAND OR THE SCOTTISH HEATHER? HE CAN'T EAT HONEY.
IT MAKES HIM GO PLOP-PLOPS! COME ON, PLEASE TRY SOME.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE SOME ICELANDIC HONEY.
NO, THERE IS NO SUCH THING.
YOU MEAN YOU DON'T MAKE ANY HONEY AT ALL? NO, NO, WE MUST IMPORT IT ALL, EVERY BALLY DROP.
WE ARE A GLOOMY PEOPLE.
IT'S SO CRIKEY COLD AND DARK UP THERE AND THERE'S ONLY FISH TO EAT.
FISH AND IMPORTED HONEY.
OH, STREWTH! WELL, WHY DO YOU HAVE A WEEK? LISTEN, BUSTER! IN REYKJAVIK IT IS DARK FOR EIGHT MONTHS OF THE YEAR AND IT'S COLD ENOUGH TO FREEZE YOUR WRISTS OFF AND THERE'S ONLY GOLLY FISH TO EAT.
ADMINISTRATIVE ERRORS ARE BOUND TO OCCUR IN ENORMOUS QUANTITIES.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S ALL A MISTAKE.
IT'S A REAL PAIN IN THE SPHINCTER! ICELANDIC HONEY WEEK? MY LIFE! WELL, WHY DO YOU COME IN HERE TRYING TO FLOG THE STUFF, THEN? LISTEN, COWBOY, I GOT A JOB TO DO.
IT'S A STUPID, POINTLESS JOB BUT AT LEAS IT KEEPS ME AWAY FROM ICELAND, ALL RIGHT? THE LEG OF THE WORKER BEE HAS U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
WELL, MR.
COTTON, YOU HAVE WHAT WE IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION CALL A NAUGHTY COMPLAINT.
NOW, MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO PUT THIS PAPER BAG OVER YOUR HEAD IT'S GOT LITTLE HOLES THERE, YOU SEE LITTLE HOLES FOR YOUR EYES AND TO RING THIS BELL AND TO TAKE THIS CARD ALONG TO YOUR HOSPITAL, OKAY? AND I SHALL INFORM ALL YOUR RELATIVES AND FRIENDS AND ANYONE ELSE THAT I HAPPEN TO BUMP INTO, OKAY? CASH, WASN'T IT? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GET OUT.
DIRTY LITTLE MAN.
HIPPOCRATIC OATH, HIPPOCRATIC OH, IT'S NOT IN THERE.
JOLLY GOOD.
VERY USEFUL.
NEXT! AH, YES, YOU MUST BE MR.
WILLIAMS.
WELL, DO TAKE A SEAT.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE? I'VE JUST BEEN STABBED BY YOUR NURSE! OH, DEAR, YES, WELL I'D PROBABLY BETTER HAVE A LOOK AT YOU THEN.
COULD YOU FILL IN THIS FORM FIRST? SHE JUST STABBED ME.
YES, SHE'S AN UNPREDICTABLE SORT.
LOOK, YOU SEEM TO BE BLEEDING RATHER BADLY.
I THINK YOU'D BETTER HURRY UP AND FILL IN THAT FORM.
COULDN'T I FILL I IN LATER, DOCTOR? NO, NO, YOU'LL HAVE BLED TO DEATH BY THEN.
CAN YOU HOLD A PEN? I'LL TRY.
YES, JOLLY GOOD.
IT'S A HELL OF A NUISANCE ALL THIS DAMN PAPERWORK.
REALLY, IT IS.
IT'S A REAL NIGHTMARE, THIS PAPERWORK.
IT REALLY IS A HELL OF A NUISANCE.
SOMETHING OUGH TO BE DONE ABOUT IT.
DO I HAVE TO ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS, DOCTOR? NO, NO, NO, JUST JUST FILL IN AS MANY AS YOU CAN.
NO NEED TO GO INTO TOO MUCH DETAIL, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE BOTHER WITH IT ALL, REALLY IT'S SUCH A NUISANCE.
WELL, LET'S SEE HOW YOU'VE DONE, THEN.
OH, YES.
OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR THAT'S NO VERY GOOD, IS IT? LOOK, SURELY YOU KNEW NUMBER FOUR! NO IT'S FROM THE MERCHANT OF VENICE.
EVEN I KNEW THAT! IT'S GOING ON THE CARPET, DOCTOR.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT! LOOK AT THIS NUMBER SIX IT'S THE TREATY OF VERSAILLES! DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT? OH, MY GOD.
AND NUMBER NINE EMERSON FITTIPALDI! VIRGINIA WADE? YOU MUST BE MAD! OH, DOCTOR I'VE JUST SHO ANOTHER PATIENT.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY POIN IN YOUR SEEING HIM.
YOU DIDN'T KILL HIM, DID YOU? AFRAID SO.
YOU MUSTN'T KILL THEM, NURSE.
OH, I'M SORRY, DOCTOR.
IT WAS JUST ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT.
RATHER SILLY, REALLY.
I'M SORRY ABOU THE CARPET, DOCTOR.
MR.
WILLIAMS, I'M AFRAID I CAN' GIVE YOU ANY MARKS SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO RECOMMEND YOU FOR HOSPITAL.
I TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL STOP THE BLEEDING BUT STRICTLY SPEAKING I SHOULDN' EVEN DO THA ON MARKS LIKE THESE.
THERE ARE NO MORE PATIENTS NOW, DOCTOR.
OH, WELL, LET'S GO FOR LUNCH, THEN.
WHAT ABOUT ER AH, YES, LOOK, MR.
WILLIAMS WE'RE JUST POPPING OU FOR A BITE OF LUNCH WHILE WE'VE GOT A SPARE MOMENT, YOU KNOW.
LOOK, HAVE ANOTHER BASH AT THE FORM AND IF AT LEAS YOU CAN ANSWER THE QUESTIONS ON HISTORY ALL RIGH THEN WE MAY BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU SOME MORPHINE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OKAY? THANK YOU, DOCTOR, THANK YOU.
DEAR SIR, I WISH TO PROTES IN THE STRONGES POSSIBLE TERMS.
YOURS SINCERELY - BRIGADIER N.
F.
- MARWOOD-GIT.
READ THAT BACK, WILL YOU, BRIAN? "AND WHEN HE HAD BUILT UP CEDRON "HE SENT HORSEMEN THERE "AND AN HOST OF FOOTMEN TO THE END "THAT ISSUING OU THEY MIGHT MAKE OUTROADS UPON THE WAYS OF JUDEA AS THE KING COMMANDED THEM.
" GOOD! POP IT IN AN ENVELOPE AND BUNG IT OFF! IT'S NO GOOD BOTTLING THINGS UP, BRIAN.
IF YOU FEEL THEM YOU MUST JUST SAY THEM OR YOU'LL JUST GO MAD.
OH, YES, INDEED.
AS THE BOOK OF MACCABEE SAID "YEA, AS THE FLEA IS LIKE UNTO AN OXEN "SO IS THE PRIVET HEDGE LIKEN UNTO A BOTANIS BLACK IN THY SIGHT, O LORD.
" QUITE.
LOOK, WHY DON' YOU JUST NIP OU FOR LUNCH, BRIAN? YEA, AS RAYMOND CHANDLER SAID "IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS "WHEN LOS ANGELES FEL LIKE A ROCK-HARD FIG.
" BRIAN, LET'S STOP THIS PRETENDING, SHALL WE? YEA, AS DIRK BOGARDE SAID IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY BRIAN! LET'S STOP ALL THIS FUTILE PRETENSE.
I'VE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MODERATELY FOND OF YOU.
WELL, TO BE QUITE FRANK, BRIGADIER ONE CAN'T WALK SO CLOSELY WITH A CHAP LIKE YOU FOR FOR SO LONG WITHOUT FEELING SOMETHING DEEP DOWN INSIDE EVEN IF IT ISN' ANYTHING ANYTHING VERY MUCH.
WELL, SPLENDID, BRIAN.
WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE THERE'S MUCH WE CAN DO, REALLY.
NOT ON TELEVISION, NO.
NO.
THEY, UH THEY ARE A LOT MORE PERMISSIVE THESE DAYS THAN THEY USED TO BE.
AH, YES, BUT NOT WITH THIS SORT OF THING.
NO.
I SUPPOSE THEY'VE GOT TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE.
YES.
YES.
WELL, TAKE A LETTER, BRIAN.
DEAR SIR, I WISH TO PROTEST OOH! HMM? OH.
HO-OH! OH, OH.
HMM? MMM MMM? THERE NOW FOLLOWS HELLO.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU TONIGH ABOUT A MINORITY GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO MENTAL OR PHYSICAL HANDICAPS AND WHO, THROUGH NO FAUL OF THEIR OWN HAVE NEVER BEEN DEPRIVED AND CONSEQUENTLY ARE FORCED TO LIVE IN CONDITIONS OF EXTREME LUXURY.
THIS OFTEN-IGNORED MINORITY IS VERY RARELY BROUGHT TO THE ATTENTION OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
THE AVERAGE MAN IN THE STREE SCARCELY GIVES A SECOND THOUGH TO THESE EXTREMELY WELL-OFF PEOPLE.
HE QUITE SIMPLY FAILS TO APPRECIATE THE PRESSURES THAT VAST QUANTITIES OF MONEY JUST DO NOT BRING.
HAVE YOU AT HOME EVER HAD TO COPE WITH THIS PROBLEM? OR THIS? I KNOW IT'S ONLY HUMAN TO SAY "OH, THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME" AND OF COURSE, IT WON'T.
So I'm asking you, please, please send no contributions, however large, to me.
There now follows a party political broadcast ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
HELLO, MADAM.
OH, HELLO, YOU MUS HAVE COME ABOUT FINISHING THE SENTENCES, YES.
OH, WELL, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO COME THROUGH THIS WAY, CERTAINLY.
OH, NICE PLACE YOU'VE GOT HERE.
YES, WELL, WE, UH LIKE IT.
YES, WE CERTAINLY DO, GOOD.
NOW, WHEN DID YOU FIRST START FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO FINISH SENTENCES, YES.
WELL, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S MY HUSBAND? YES, HE NEVER LETS YOU FINISH WHAT YOU'VE STARTED? QUITE, I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL YOU'LL NEVER FINISH A SENTENCE AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE? EXACT - LY IT MUST BE AWFUL.
IT'S DRIVING ME TO DRINK.
NO, ROU - ND THE BE - EN - D.
YES.
MAY I TAKE A SEAT.
THANK YOU.
YOU SEE, OUR METHOD IS TO REASSURE THE PATIEN BY RE-CREATING NORMAL CONDITIONS.
YES, THEN WE TRY AND GET THEM INTO A POSITION WHERE THEY SUDDENLY FIND THAT THEY'RE COMPLETING OTHER PEOPLE'S SENTENCES THEMSELVES.
SPOT ON, MRS SMITH.
GOOD, WELL, TRY NO TO OVERDO IT TO BEGIN WITH.
KEEP IT TO ONE OR TWO WORDS TO START OFF WITH, OTHERWISE YOU MAY FIND I'M TAKING ON TOO LONG A SENTENCE AND GETTING COMPLETELY STUCK.
GOOD, YES, WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR NOW, SO THANKS VERY MUCH FOR CALLING.
OH, NOT AT ALL.
AND I'D JUS LIKE TO SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING ALONG.
NOT AT ALL.
AND GOOD BYE, MR VERNON.
CARL! YES, DEAR? I'VE JUST HAD ANOTHER BABY.
OH, NO.
HOW MANY IS THAT NOW? UH, 12 SINCE LUNCH.
OH! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
THIS IS STONEHENGE, AND IT'S FROM HERE WE GO TO AFRICA.
WELL, HERE IT IS AT LAST, THE GOAL OF OUR QUEST.
AFTER SIX MONTHS AND THREE DAYS, WE'VE FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH THE LEGENDARY WALKING TREE OF DAHOMEY QUERCUS NICHOLAS PARSONSUS RESTING HERE FOR A MOMEN ON ITS LONG JOURNEY SOUTH.
IT'S ALMOST INCREDIBLE, ISN'T I TO THINK THAT THIS HUGE TREE HAS WALKED OVER 2,000 MILES ACROSS THIS INHOSPITABLE TERRAIN TO STOP HERE MAYBE JUST TO TAKE IN WATER BEFORE THE 2,000 MILES ON TO CAPE TOWN WHERE IT LIVES.
IT'S ALMOST UNIMAGINABLE, I FIND THE THOUGHT OF THIS MIGHTY TREE STROLLING THROUGH NIGERIA; PERHAPS SWAGGERING A LITTLE AS IT CROSSES THE BORDER INTO ZAIRE; HOPPING THROUGH THE TROPICAL RAIN FORES TRYING TO FIND A QUIET GROVE WHERE IT CAN JUMP AROUND ON ITS OWN; SPRINTING UP TO ZAMBIA FOR THE AFTERNOON, THEN NIPPING BACK OH, SUPER.
WELL, I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT THIS IS NOT IN FAC THE LEGENDARY WALKING TREE OF DAHOMEY.
THIS IS ONE OF AFRICA'S MANY STATIONARY TREES ARBORUS BAMBER GASCOIGNUS.
IN FACT, WE'VE JUST MISSED THE WALKING TREE.
IT LEFT HERE AT 8:00 THIS MORNING.
IT WAS HEADING OFF IN THAT DIRECTION SO WE'LL JUST SEE IF WE CAN GO AND CATCH IT UP.
COME ON, BOYS.
WELL, WE'RE STILL KEEPING UP WITH I BUT IT'S SETTING A FURIOUS PACE.
EARLY THIS MORNING, WE THOUGHT WE'D SPOTTED I BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN ANGOLAN SAUNTERING TREE AMAZELLUS ROBIN RAY OUT WALKING WITH A GAMBIAN SIDLING BUSH.
SO, ON WE GO.
IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT.
A WALKING TREE CAN ACHIEVE SPEEDS OF UP TO 50 MILES AN HOUR ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S IN A HURRY.
SUPER.
WELL, RUPERT HAS SPOTTED SOMETHING.
THIS COULD BE IT A WALKING TREE ON THE MOVE.
BUT WHAT RUPER HAD IN FACT DISCOVERED WAS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT THE TURKISH LITTLE RUDE PLANT.
THIS REMARKABLY SMUTTY PIECE OF FLORA WAS USED BY THE TURKS TO RAM UP EACH OTHERS' AH, NO! IN FACT, IT WAS SOMETHING EVEN MORE INTERESTING.
YES, THERE IT WAS, OVER THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLEARING THE LEGENDARY PUKING TREE OF MOZAMBIQUE.
NO, WHAT THEY'D COME ACROSS WAS A TRIBE LOST TO MAN SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL THE LEGENDARY BATSMEN OF THE KALAHARI.
PRIMITIVE CUSTOMS STILL SURVIVE HERE AS IF THE MARCH OF TIME HAD PASSED THEM BY.
BUT FOR ALL THE MUMBO JUMBO AND SUPERSTITION THE BATSMEN OF THE KALAHARI ARE FORMIDABLE FIGHTERS AS WE CAN SEE IN THIS RARE FOOTAGE OF THEM IN ACTION AGAINST WARWICKSHIRE.
WARWICKSHIRE HAD DISMISSED THE KALAHARI BATSMEN FOR 140 BUT THEN IT WAS THEIR TURN TO FACE THIS EXTRAORDINARY KALAHARI ATTACK.
PRATT WAS THE FIRST TO GO, BUT PRATT AND PRATT PUT ON A SECOND WICKET STAND OF NAUGH WHICH WAS BROKEN BY ODINGA IN HIS MOST HOSTILE MOOD.
THAT'S B.
PRATT, HIT WICKET NAUGHT.
BUT PRATT AND Z.
PRATT DUG IN AND TOOK THE SCORE TO A HALF BEFORE Z.
PRATT RAN AWAY.
BUT OUT CAME M.
J.
K.
PRATT TO PLAY A REAL CAPTAIN'S INNINGS.
HE'D TAKEN HIS OWN SCORE UP TO NAUGH WHEN HE MISTIMED A SHO OF BOWANGA AND WAS L.
B.
W.
TYPICAL OF UMBONGA'S HOSTILE OPENING SPELL WAS HIS DISMISSAL OF V.
E.
PRAT WHO OFFERED NO RESISTANCE TO THIS DELIVERY AND HE WAS CAUGHT BEHIND.
BUT BY LUNCH, THE SITUATION HAD CHANGED DRAMATICALLY.
AND SO, WITH THE TENSION COLOSSAL AS WE COME UP TO THE LAST BALL THAT'S ALL FROM US.
GOOD EVENING.
OVER £400,000 MILLION WERE WIPED OFF THE VALUE OF SHARES THIS AFTERNOON WHEN SOMEONE IN THE STOCK EXCHANGE COUGHED.
SPORT CAPITAL PUNISHMEN IS TO BE REINTRODUCED IN THE FIRST AND SECOND DIVISION.
ANY PLAYER FOUND TACKLING FROM BEHIND OR CONTROLLING THE BALL WITH THE LOWER PART OF THE ARM WILL BE HANGED.
BUT THE ELECTRIC CHAIR REMAINS THE STANDARD PUNISHMEN FOR THREATENING THE GOALIE.
REFEREES' CHAIRMAN LEN GOEBBELS SAID "AT LAST, THE REFEREE HAS BEEN GIVEN TEETH.
" FINALLY, POLITICS THE LATES OPINION POLL PUBLISHED TODAY SHOWS LABOR AHEAD WITH 40%, THE A.
A.
SECOND WITH 38% AND, NOT SURPRISINGLY KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN RUNNING THE LIBERALS A VERY CLOSE THIRD.
AND NOW, BACK TO ME HELLO.
AND NOW IT'S TIME TO GO OVER TO HUGH DELANEY AT PAIGNTON.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO PAIGNTON BECAUSE IT'S FROM PAIGNTON THAT WE TAKE YOU STRAIGHT BACK TO THE STUDIO.
HELLO, AND IT'S FROM HERE WE GO OVER THERE.
WELL, WE'RE ALREADY HERE, SO LET'S GO OVER THERE.
WELCOME BACK.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR PART EIGHT OF OUR SERIES ABOUT THE LIFE AND WORK OF URSULA HITLER THE SURREY HOUSEWIFE WHO REVOLUTIONIZED BRITISH BEEKEEPING IN THE 1930s.
THAT WAS A PARTY POLITICAL -CAS ON BEHALF OF THE LIBERAL PARTY.