Moonlighting s01e06 Episode Script

Next Stop Murder

There will be coffee in the lodge.
There's no comment on that at the moment.
When you gonna know something? When you gonna know? - What's going on? - Jet from Lisbon went down.
Crashed or blew up, nobody seems to know.
Flight 772? You waiting for someone onboard? No, I was supposed to take that flight and I switched.
Certainly, it's my card.
Of course I know where I was born.
Allentown, Pennsylvania, 1946.
What else do you need to know? Mother's name Alice.
Father's name William.
Listen, am I gonna get any money? Yes, I would love to speak to a supervisor.
What do you mean, someone called up and cancelled my card? Do you have a name? It's what? No I'm not dead.
Bill, bill, bill, ad.
- Ad? For what? - A billing service.
- Great.
- Bill, bill, cheque.
- Cheque? - Cheque.
I never believe them about not having to buy any magazines to qualify.
Someone sorts the people who buy from the people who don't.
This is depressing.
We've got to do something.
We've got to simplify.
Rent less expensive furniture.
Maybe find cheaper office space.
Spare down.
No more frills.
No more overtime, we've got to get serious.
We're gonna have to pop the window to get the piano in.
- Piano? - With the pool table, I can just lower it with a chopper to this floor, bring it through one of the windows.
This isn't real.
I'm dreaming this.
I'll be back.
Don't get discouraged.
Women give birth all the time.
We're gonna get this sucker in here.
- I don't even know how to play.
- What are you doing? - Nothing, I've been clean for years.
- A piano, a pool table? You like that? I got the idea from this, a great book.
- What is it? - Interviews with the heads of major corporations, how they got there, how they stay there keep their company number one.
It's called Being 2nd Stinks.
These guys talk about creating a pleasant working environment and how it leads to better productivity.
I figured you can't argue with Fortune 500, right? Oh, no? Take it back.
I'm not paying for it.
- Cancel it, take it back.
- Lady, he said- - Cancel the wench.
- You're the wench.
- Watch it.
- Wait, Maddie.
- You're making a mountain out of- - Molehills.
My molehill.
I own and I pay the bills.
There's no money for a piano.
Being 2nd Stinks.
Being second would be wonderful.
Being 22nd would be wonderful.
We need a client whose business we could depend on.
A client who would help us pay the light bill.
- Done.
- A department store chain a brokerage house.
Someplace that would need us to- Done? You think I'd buy a baby grand piano, a pool table, a satellite dish - Satellite dish? - if money weren't rolling in.
A contract, a signed contract? Who? Where? When? It's this book, I read it last night and the light bulb came on.
I realized you gotta make your own opportunities.
The Easy Credit Assurance Company? - ECAC.
Great bunch of guys.
- And you know these people? Well, I have had occasion to work with them in the past, yes.
What is it we're to do for Eke Meek? ECAC.
They're sort of a collection agency and we would be sort of a subcontractor to them.
We get the cases they've given up on.
We get to keep half of what we collect.
- We're bill collectors? - Not bill collectors we're credit marshals.
We're payment enforcers.
We're bill busters.
This does not sound like something I want to do.
- You haven't even tried it yet.
- I know what it's like to suffer financial reverses.
I don't like hounding people.
We're not gonna be hounding any unfortunate people.
- We're not? - No, we're going after creeps deadbeats, people with no concept of obligation, responsibility trying to evade their indebtedness, not people that can't pay.
- You sure? - Sure, I'm sure.
I'm surer than sure I'm certain.
This contract is a money machine.
Addison, it doesn't make sense.
If it's so easy, why doesn't Yick Yack get it themselves? Why didn't Detroit make smaller cars before Japan? Why didn't cereal companies put two scoops of raisins in from the get-go? Who knows, doesn't matter.
Their loss is our gain.
- I'm not so sure.
- I am.
One try, if we don't hit pay dirt- - One try? - One try, one little bitty try.
What have we got to lose? Maddie, trust me.
Having a lot of work done on your place while you were away.
Excuse me? The last couple of days, couldn't help but notice men going in and out.
Hear the hammering and the nailing.
That's the way to do it.
Leave the country for a month, and come home to a new apartment.
Larry Henderson.
Owes $3400 on his car.
Poet, lives with his mother.
Money in the bank.
- How did I let you talk me into this? - What is your problem? The guy owes $3400, half of $3400 is- - $1700.
- $1700, right.
Couldn't you use $1700 right now? - That's not the point.
- What is the point? We don't know this man's story, if he's been sick, been robbed.
It says nothing on the card here about being sick or being robbed.
The guy bought a big expensive car he can't afford.
- You don't know that.
- Sure, the guy's a poet.
What kind of money do poets make? Not one of your fast-track careers, no big runs at department stores.
He's probably some poor, sensitive little man.
Damn straight.
It's our job to scare the iambic pentameter out of him.
The House at Pooh Corner.
- You know what you're doing? - What's to know? I'm gonna convince Rhyming Simon the only thing between him and his death is a cheque made out to us.
- Oh, David.
- "Oh, David" what? David, I think you're making a mistake.
You can't bully this man.
People are fundamentally good, present company excluded and I believe if you give them a chance to live up to their obligations, they'll rise to the occasion.
- Fine.
- Does that mean you agree with me? - What does it mean? - Fine means fine.
Next place, you can be in charge, we'll do it your way.
But right now, you give me one shot.
I got $1700 riding on this and I'd like to make money the old-fashioned way: scare the creep.
Yo, Larry! My name is David " Boom-Boom" Addison from the Easy Credit Assurance Company and I'm not leaving until you come out here and sign us a cheque.
Watch this.
Hello, Larry.
My goodness.
You're a poet.
And you sure show it.
And I know it, because you're kind of long, fellow.
That used to kill them in the fifth grade.
Luck of the draw.
First guy we go see has a gland problem.
How can you guess something like that? That guy ought to consider statehood.
Addison, this is not for us.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
David, we made a deal.
You had your try.
- Now let's go back to the office.
- Okay.
You got me.
A deal's a deal.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Can we make one little stop-? - David.
Wait for me.
Bless me, Father, for I've sinned.
How long has it been since your last confession? Forty-two years.
I'm Wind Jammer.
Wind Jammer.
I need to come in.
I need to come back.
They're on to me.
- You have to be kidding.
- Do I look like I'm kidding? It's not like going through a revolving door.
It'll take time.
- A little preparation.
- I don't think I have any time.
I'm willing to trade.
I have a letter.
A communiqué.
- Nobody knows where it is except me.
- What do you mean, trade? I mean, you guys are supposed to help me out in situations like this.
I'm not going to be the only one to die if everything goes south.
Now, you guys cover me and I'll make sure that everybody else's behind is covered- I'm just a courier.
I'll do what I can.
I'll have someone from the agency contact you.
That's the best I can do.
- This isn't the way back to the office.
- I just wanna make one little pit stop.
We had a deal.
You're not gonna give up after one little setback, are you? - The only reason Ick Poo- - ECAC.
Would give you a chance to collect money is they know it's impossible.
- They told Mr.
Bic it was impossible.
- I don't wanna hear this.
They told Mr.
Volkswagen it was impossible- Addison, wake up! They sent you out to get money from Paul Bunyan.
You wake up.
We have to do this.
I'm doing this for us, for the good of the company.
If we don't figure out some way to bring some money into the company I can see the handwriting on the wall.
If I have to go out there and get another job You may not know this but some people out there think I'm not a good detective.
Go figure.
- One more try? - One try, my way? - One try, any which way.
- Okay, but if we don't hit pay dirt- Maddie, trust me.
I feel very lucky with this next guy.
Any special reason why somebody would wanna follow you? - Three cars back.
- Let me out here.
- We still got three blocks to go.
- Here is fine.
This is for the ride bring my baggage to me tomorrow, and you get the other half of this.
All right.
Roy Hirsch, 3C.
- Where could he be? - Out spending money he doesn't have.
Are you sure you're using that properly? It's not like it's brain surgery.
Excuse me.
- Yeah? - Mr.
Hirsch, you're there.
I'll handle this.
Hirsch, this is Madelyn Hayes.
I've come to talk to you about this situation you've gotten yourself into.
Who are you? Are you with the agency? I'm with the agency, but I haven't come to intimidate or bully you.
I've come here to reason with you, to appeal to your sense of fair play.
Gotta admit, I'm impressed.
I don't know why you're so surprised.
It's like I said before, people are good.
Now, where is it? Mr.
Hirsch, it's Madelyn Hayes from the agency.
Hirsch, I can hear you moving around in there.
Could you be a dear and open the door, please? I guess rising to the occasion takes time.
- Maybe he didn't hear you.
- Stuff it.
Come on, Hirsch, what do you say you let us in before we have to come in there and get rough with you.
Now, Maddie, there's no need to bully this man.
Open this door, you parasite, you goldbricker, you, you- Lowlife? Mr.
Hirsch? He doesn't look too well.
It's an old deadbeat trick.
Make them think you're sick.
Hirsch, about your indebtedness if you could take a minute and write a cheque for $1450 I'm sure this ugly business would be over.
Isn't this your chequebook here? Let me bring it to you.
You can make that out to Easy Credit Assurance Company.
David, I think this deadbeat is dead.
- Another trick.
Stick him with a pin.
- I will not.
- Yank out one of his nose hairs.
- Addison! Rip off all your clothes and see if he reacts.
You're right, bad idea.
That would kill me.
I'll handle this.
Hey, Roy.
Okay, you win.
He's dead.
It's right down here.
It's locked.
Must have blown shut.
Guess we'll have to break it down.
A man is dead.
He's not gonna come to the door.
- Hello.
- Door of the living dead.
Police investigations.
I'm here following up on a possible homicide on these premises.
On these premises? You mean, in this building? Right there in that chair, dead.
Dead as a doornail.
- Deader.
- Miss Hayes? - Sir, if I could have your name? - Roy Hirsch.
I know I'm intrigued.
- This is not the man that was dead.
- Obviously.
He's done something with the body, hidden it, or put it someplace.
I am who I say I am.
Would you like to search the apartment? - No.
- Yes.
- A consensus.
- Sir we do not search without a warrant or a probable cause.
We saw the body.
What more probable cause do you need? Evidence, witness, signs of mayhem, a victim who doesn't answer his door.
- He's got us on points.
- May I ask what you were doing in my apartment when you saw this dead man? Business.
The other Mr.
Hirsch was behind in his car payments.
I'm sorry, I really don't understand.
We represent the Easy Credit Assurance Company.
Our slogan: " If you gotta go in debt, ECAC's your best bet.
" You said you were private investigators.
We are, we're both.
It's very complicated.
Hirsch, if you'll excuse us, I'd like to have a word with Mr.
Addison and Miss Hayes out in the hall.
Do you have a licence? Of course we have a licence.
- Do you wanna keep it? - What are you trying to say? What I'm trying to say is, next time you report a murder you better make sure you have a dead body.
Sorry to have disturbed you, Mr.
- Wait a second.
- Let it lay.
How can you look so calm? Aren't you mad? - Mad? I'm excited.
- Excited? Addison, we were just set up, made to look like fools.
Tell me something I don't know.
The real Hirsch is dead, and this new tenant is lying or he is Roy Hirsch and you and I saw someone else entirely.
Either way, something is rotten in Cleveland.
- And that doesn't make you mad? - Mad? Mad? - How can you get mad at opportunity? - Opportunity? Maddie, we're investigators, right? - For the sake of argument, say " right.
" - Right.
Investigators have to have something to investigate.
- I thought we were bill busters.
- Temp work to tide us over until Mother Nature could deliver unto us a murder.
- Aren't you forgetting something? - "Who's the client?" - Well? - Well, you always say that.
Stop getting hung up on technicalities.
Maddie, we have to create our own opportunities.
You think Alexander Graham Bell sat back and said: "Why am I inventing the phone? Who am I going to call?" He went out and invented the telephone, dialled until people got sick of that ringing.
They went out and bought a phone so they could answer it.
- You read that in your book? - Back of a milk carton.
Maddie, we have to investigate this murder.
Providence has deposited a dead body in our path.
Who knows what lies at the end of it? A reward? - Contract? - More dead bodies.
Our dead bodies.
- Tonight will tell the tale.
- Tell what tale? Who really lives in that apartment, or who's really dead in it.
You really know how to whip up an evening's entertainment.
How long are we gonna stand here? Until someone lets us inside.
Lets us inside? This is a security building.
No one's gonna let us inside.
Someone's coming.
Play along with me.
Uncle Leon! It's me, Davy.
Little David Addison.
I got the batteries to your hearing aid.
Gosh, sis, he can't hear to buzz us in.
If he doesn't buzz us in, he'll never be able to hear.
I couldn't help overhearing.
Is there anything I can do to help? Oh, wow, sis, it's gonna be all right.
Uncle Leon will be able to play in the symphony tomorrow after all.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, God bless.
God bless you.
And heaven help us all.
Have to make sure nobody's home.
- How do we do that? - Two-step process.
You wait here.
- What are you doing? - Can't be too careful.
- Clearly there's no one at home.
- Let's just be sure.
- Where did you learn that? - Camp Kennybrook.
Pretty cool, huh? - Credit card.
- Credit card? Credit card.
Look, would you be more comfortable going to a motel? It doesn't have to be a gold card, I just want to open the door.
All right, all right.
I gotta get this guy's cleaning service.
Look at this place.
- Who would have done such a thing? -7 Santini Brothers? Somebody sure was looking for something.
What do you think it could be? Bank loot, crown jewels, a pair of lost contacts? Hey! David! - What happened? - Punched myself in the mirror.
What do you think this is? - Company's coming.
- What do we do now? Make sure our hands are washed, the lid's down and we're gone.
Fire escape.
Who is it? Is it the dead man or the living man? New guy, still alive.
- What's he doing? - Looking for this.
- He's gone.
- Okay.
David, David, David, why are we doing this? - It doesn't make sense.
It's crazy.
- This guy knew exactly where to go.
First, we meet a man who's dead.
- Which means that all this killing - We meet another man - has something to do with this.
- who says he's the man who's dead.
Then the man who's dead is gone, the man who isn't dead is gone - everything in the apartment is gone.
- Crazy little rhyme.
- There's a new man - Passport.
who isn't the man who's dead.
And isn't the man who's not dead- - Hirsch's passport.
- I'm tired.
I'm working very hard and I don't know why.
We're not getting paid.
Why are we doing this? - To find out who killed Hirsch.
- I don't know who Hirsch is.
Sure we do.
He's a Russian spy.
Sorry I asked.
Blue Moon Detective Agency.
If persons are missing, if objects are lost we'll find them for you at reasonable cost.
Your runaway husband, that non-paying louse.
We'll find them for you, bring them back to the house.
Lost a prize-winning dog? Lost a prize-winning cat? We'll find them both for you in just no time flat.
So tell us your problem, it'll all work out fine.
Just tell me your problem, it's why I'm on the line.
No, it was three black two with sugar, and one tea with lemon on the side.
You can't call in the CIA, not after all we've invested.
If this guy is a Soviet spy, we shouldn't get involved.
This is a job for the government.
The government? Hasn't the government got enough to do? That's the problem.
Nobody wants to do for themselves.
- We're not equipped.
- Here, I wanna show you something.
- What is that? - What is that? What is that? It's a Jell-O mould.
It's a gun.
A serious gun for serious business, our business.
Me and you are gonna crack this case.
I don't even know what this is.
I gotta spell it out? A Russian passport, a secret message.
- What secret message? - This secret message.
How do you know this isn't a grocery list? Because they don't have groceries in Russia.
No Disneyland.
No Three Stooges.
No baseball.
Only ballet and roulette.
I don't wanna get involved with spies or Russians or guns.
We're not bill busters, not secret agents.
What we needed is a client.
We got one, a real one.
Waiting in Mr.
Addison's office.
- A client? A real one, in this office? - You're kidding.
He is just sitting there.
Playing pool.
- All right.
- It was just a matter of time.
- I guess so.
- What's this client's name? - Roy Hirsch.
- Roy Hirsch? Happen to notice whether this guy's alive? - What do you think he wants? - The thing everybody else wants the passport and the grocery list.
Come on.
- Where are we going? - Out of here.
This guy's following us, and my guess is he's not alone.
- What? - That's the guy from last night.
Wait a minute, he doesn't know what were look like.
- Right.
- Looks like he's waiting by our car.
- What do we do now? - I'll distract him, you get the car.
- Distract him? How? - I don't know, I'll think of something.
Jump in the car, come get me, and that'll give us a head start.
- All right.
- All right.
- Some echo.
- What? Some echo.
Come on, man, help me.
Come on, man.
Now it's your turn.
You pick a song.
- Listen, jackass- - I don't know that one.
I'll tell you what, I'll pick one for you.
You like R&B? Me, I like R&B.
- They're following us! - Of course, naturally.
It's a chase.
I don't wanna do this.
- You gotta, you're driving.
- I got a perfect driving record.
I have no intention of jeopardizing it with some dumb chase.
I guess that's that, chase is over.
He's caught up with us.
- David, why is he doing that? - Because you're letting him.
- Punch this cow, will you? - Okay, I will.
What does that mean? Step on the pedal, Gretel.
- What do I do now? - Far right lane, make a sharp left.
You don't make a left from the right lane.
We do.
Left into this alley.
- We did it.
- We did it? We did it.
We lost him.
They did it.
They found us.
Reverse! - Faster.
- Faster? I don't like driving faster forward, and I don't like faster backward.
Now, forward.
- Make a left.
- We don't have the right of way.
We're doing 85 miles an hour.
This is no time to debate! Don't yell at me.
If I can't concentrate, I can't drive.
Get ready to make the turn.
- What? - Turn! - They're still behind us.
- Of course they are.
You have to go faster than them.
David! - That other car saved us.
- Because he wants us all to himself.
- Hang a right here.
- Why? Why? Because I said so, that's why and so far, I've been right about everything.
All right, so I made one mistake.
CIA! Come out with your hands up! CIA? We've been running from the CIA? All right, two mistakes.
So Hirsch wasn't a Russian spy? Double agent.
He posed as a Russian spy.
He let them set him up in an apartment, credit cards, an identity.
They used him to stage terrorist activities in this country.
But not before he let you know when the trouble would begin.
Except after we received his last communiqué in Lisbon they found him out.
Killed a planeload of people just to try to stop him from letting us know.
When they realized he changed planes, they assigned an agent the task of eliminating him.
A gentleman named Arkady Nestovicenko.
The other Roy Hirsch.
His job was to retrieve the communiqué and to kill Hirsch.
He did the job in the wrong order.
He couldn't locate the communiqué.
So why was he chasing us? He was convinced you had it.
Why were you chasing him? Because I was convinced he was right.
Roy and I were close, I knew where he kept things.
I checked.
Somebody beat me to it.
- And you think it was us? - Look, here's the bottom line.
The Russians are planning the assassination of one of several Chinese diplomats at a dinner at the Biltmore, hours from now.
We've beefed up security.
We've alerted all the authorities.
It would make things much easier if we knew who was the target.
That's what's in the communiqué.
This is not the way I pictured it would end.
Spies, communiqués.
Can't we have a speedboat chase? Where's the little fat guy with the deadly bowler? - Do you read Russian? - This guy reads Russian, Stalin taking his time or beating a deadline.
What's so funny? They obviously wanted to make sure they killed the right Chinese man.
The message reads, "The man with a mole on his nose.
" - "With a mole on his nose"? - With a mole on his nose.
I appreciate this, your country appreciates this.
Yeah, well, tell the country it was no sweat.
I have a great deal to do and not much time to do it in.
Miss Hayes, Mr.
- Talk about going out with a whimper.
- But I feel good.
It's nice to know that because of the work we did a phone call is being made.
Plans are being put into motion.
Because of us, some friendly dignitary's life is gonna be saved.
- Some international incident avoided.
- Say that again.
- All of it? - The part about a phone call.
- What phone call? - Exactly, what phone call? This guy's racing to find out who's gonna be assassinated in just hours.
He finds out.
He doesn't make the phone call, why? He didn't trust our phone.
It's bugged? Maybe he didn't need to know who's being killed to save him.
Maybe he needed to know so he could kill him.
What are you doing for dinner tonight? Feel like a little Chinese? Name please? - David Addison.
- Madelyn Hayes.
- You're not on the guest list.
- We're not guests.
We're looking for a man with a mole.
- A mole? - A mole on his nose.
- What kind of clothes? - What kind? What kind do you suppose? Worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows? Did I bother to disclose, this man with a mole on his nose I'm not sure of anything else, except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself.
- How do you do that? - Gotta read a lot of Dr.
I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report I haven't seen anyone of that sort.
Not a man with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose.
So get away from this door and get out of this place or I'll have to hurt you, put my foot in your face.
- Time to go.
- Time to go.
- Come on, Maddie, time's a wasting.
- I'm not coming out.
You have to come out.
How are we gonna get in if you don't come out? - This is humiliating.
- It is not humiliating.
Serving food and drink to people is an important job.
A vital link in nature's food chain.
I'm talking about this.
- What about it? - Where's the rest of it? What are you talking about? I think you look terrific.
I think all of you looks terrific.
You leave any room in there for tips? That's it! I'm sorry.
You're right.
But we have no choice.
Just remember, you're dressed like that for America and I, for one, salute you.
Salute you, Addison.
That's good.
I like that.
Okay, ready? Look waitery.
I said, " Bubba, I don't care what country you're from in America, we eat with our forks.
" So now what do we do? Look for the CIA guy or the Chinese guy with a mole.
- And if one of us finds one of them? - Holler.
- Watch it.
- You watch it.
May I have more champagne, please? - The mole.
- Picture, please.
- You.
What are you doing here? - Me? We've replaced this banquet hall's real coffee with frozen crystals.
Maddie! David! - What are you doing? - I've been clean for years! Why does everybody keep asking me that? See that? Who says you can't bring the countries of the world together resolve our differences in a civilized and orderly way?