Moonlighting s02e13 Episode Script

In God We Strongly Suspect

- Hello, I'm Maddie Hayes.
- And I'm still David Addison.
- You wanna tell them? - No.
- Do you? - No, not really.
Why don't we tell them together? With tonight's episode, Moonlighting had planned on taking part in another exciting, innovative broadcasting experiment.
What we had planned on bringing you was the first 3-D that is the first fully three-dimensional television program.
I mean, the show itself turned out wonderfully.
You remember Vincent Price in that House of Wax where he's hitting that ball, and it's zooming out over the audience? Well, this is better than that.
And then there are certain subtle values that are enhanced by 3-D.
- Absolutely.
- Stand up, will you, Maddie? Arch your back a little bit.
Do I gotta draw you a map, folks? Anyway, late last week we started mailing out these special 3-D glasses to everyone - but you know the post office.
- You know the post office.
So tomorrow, when you get these in the mail- Hang on to them for the rerun.
And once again, we're really sorry.
Now start the show.
- Start the show? - Start the show.
MOONLIGHTING THE GREAT KANDINSKI Is he secure? Are you satisfied? If our audience volunteers would return to their seats.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen as our assistants bundle and prepare to hoist the Great Kandinski up and over the tank of peril I must ask for total silence.
Because of the serious nature of this escape my husband needs complete and undisturbed concentration.
Please hold back your applause until once again the Great Kandinski has proven he is the greatest escape artist in the world.
Oh, my God.
Getting off.
Getting off.
Getting off.
Getting off.
Thank you, really.
You're all in my will.
David? David, are you in there? David, where is everybody? David, I'm coming in.
And they say nothing works like bread crumbs.
Surprise! One, two, three, four! You say it's your birthday It's my birthday too, yeah You say it's your birthday We're gonna have a good time You say it's your birthday Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, Maddie Happy, happy, happy Happy birthday To You Happy birthday, Maddie.
Well Well, well, well.
What a surprise.
There are some candles over here.
Of course, how nice.
Well Thank you all.
This is really special.
Really special.
Excuse me.
Not gonna try on your birthday present? It was very sweet of you.
I was very touched, really.
- Really? - Really.
You could've fooled me.
- You wanna tell me about it? - There's nothing to tell.
Must be something.
People tried to show they care about you you acted as nervous as a whore in church.
I'm not someone who enjoys having a fuss made over my birthday.
- That's silly.
- It's not silly.
It's me.
It's my birthday, David.
I can celebrate it or not celebrate it any way I choose.
- Who would've thunk it? - Thunk what? That you, of all people, would react this way to growing older.
Nothing to do with growing older.
Of course not.
Well, let me tell you something.
Those lines on your face, the crow's feet around your eyes that millimeter your caboose has dropped in- Is this something you rehearsed? You got nine holes left to play, and why not enjoy it? Can't wait till your birthday.
Forty-seven days, 13 hours, Darn, I planned on grouting my tile that day.
- I understand completely.
- Good.
Then understand this.
I don't give a flying fig about the lines in my face, the crow's feet by my eyes or the altitude of my caboose.
That's what you got me for.
And I don't give a flying fig about people who do.
Well, I'm at a loss.
I don't know what a flying fig is.
That's okay.
They do.
What I contemplate on my birthday is my accomplishments, my progress.
Where I was last year.
Where I'd like to be next year.
Where I am now.
- Okay, so why so glum? - I'll spare you the gory details.
Suffice it to say that this has not been a banner year for Madelyn Hayes.
- You don't think so? - I don't think so.
In fact, this year represents, in some ways a quantum leap backwards for me.
- No kidding? - No kidding.
Don't be hurt.
You asked me, so I'm telling you.
It's okay.
But you never know what's around the corner.
- What corner? - The corner.
Next year.
- What do you mean? - What's in the cards.
- Cards? - The cards.
- Fate, destiny, the master plan.
- David, there is no master plan.
You get up, you live your life.
If you work hard, make the right choices keep your nose clean, you get ahead.
If you don't, you don't.
I didn't, and that's that.
- Simple as that, huh? - Simple as that.
So once again, thanks for thinking of me.
But please don't do it again.
Hayes, Mr.
Addison, there's someone here to see you.
I'm Madelyn Hayes.
This is my associate, David Addison.
- Hello.
Have a seat.
- Carolyn Kandinski.
Kandinski? Wife of the Incredible Kandinski, yes.
I read about what happened in the newspapers.
I'm sorry.
Nothing to be sorry about, it's part of the business.
There are very few escape artists in the world.
Even fewer elderly ones.
- What can we do for you? - I need protection.
- Protection? - From whom? From what? From my late husband.
- I see.
- You do? My husband was more than an escape artist.
He was more than a magician.
He studied the occult for decades.
He devoted himself to everything mystical.
That was his life.
It was never mine.
Over the years there were indiscretions.
He knew.
Some couples stay together because of the children.
- We stayed because of the act.
- I still don't understand.
He never forgave me.
He swore that as the crowning act of his life he would come back from the dead and kill me.
Talk about holding a grudge.
I never gave him the satisfaction of showing I believed he could.
- You don't, do you? - Tomorrow he will be cremated.
Until then, I'd feel a lot better knowing somebody was watching the body.
- Watching the body? - Watching the body.
The address of the mortuary.
He's been prepared for cremation.
Despite which, and contrary to both the laws of physics and biology you think he'll get antsy tonight and decide to stretch his legs anyway? Let me put it to you this way, Mr.
If asked, most people would say they don't believe in superstition.
Cracked mirrors, the 13th floor.
Tell me, would you walk underneath a ladder if you didn't really have to? Two thousand dollars for one night's work.
- Are you game? - Gamer.
Downright gamey.
I'll let myself out, thank you.
Welcome to Chiller Theatre.
Welcome to a very distasteful but very easy and very short-term job.
Wait a second.
Aren't you gonna tell me we can't take this case? - Why would I do that? - I don't know.
- That's what you always do.
- Well, not this time.
For one thing, it's not a case.
There's no mystery.
A man is dead, a woman wants someone to guard him.
- And we could use the money.
- Now you're talking.
It's gonna be a long night.
We should get some sleep.
Wait a second.
I can handle this all by myself.
- David.
- One-night stands are my specialty.
It's your birthday.
I know you don't wanna make a big deal- - I wanna be there tonight.
- That's crazy, it's nuts.
It's a job.
Our job.
- I'll see you there at 8:30? - Sounds that way.
My office is open in case you have to use the phone.
I'll be back myself in the morning about 6 a.
The deceased is in here.
Coffee is there and the bathroom is down the hall.
There any stakes or wooden mallets, Arty? This must seem like a strange request.
I've had bodies guarded for all kinds of reasons.
Sometimes they're buried with expensive jewelry.
Sometimes a fan wants a final keepsake from a celebrity.
Sometimes a family member has to be kept away for one reason or another.
But it's true I've never had guards just to be sure that a body doesn't get up.
Well, it's time for me to go.
Good night.
Easy for you to say.
Birthday girls first.
Oh, the leg bone connected To the knee bone The knee bone connected To the thighbone - The thighbone- - David.
Well, first things first.
- Wanna do the honors? - What honors? Inspect the merchandise, check out the goods make sure batteries aren't included.
- Look inside? - You rather him come out? Gotta make sure he's in there.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Good news, no news.
- So he's still-? - Dressed, yeah.
- But the night's still young.
- What do we do now? I don't know.
We could do this in shifts.
Of course, we are alone.
No chaperon.
Can I trust you when my eyes are closed? Is there room for two bodies in there? But then we'll have to take that one out.
- Looks like it's gonna be a long night.
- Looks like.
I'll go get us a strong cup of mocha java.
- Sounds good.
- I'll bring two straws.
- David! - You rang? David, I really don't like this.
I can't let you go in the cake.
We're a little pressed for time.
- I mean the whole thing.
- Humor me.
Blow out the candles.
- David, we're in a mortuary.
- Exactly.
Who you gonna offend? Blow them out yourself.
No, I gotta save my strength for your wish.
David, I don't want any part of this.
Would you please turn the lights on? Thank you.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just don't get it.
Atmosphere aside, this is a momentous occasion.
- This is your birthday.
- I'm gonna try and get some sleep.
- It happens only once or so a year.
- Wish I'd thought to bring a pillow.
I mean, was the past year really that bad? It sure wasn't for me.
In fact, it was a pretty terrific year for me.
I know it's not my birthday so this probably doesn't mean that much to you, but in my opinion- Shut up.
- Shut up? - Shut up.
Relight the candles, turn off the light, and come sit next to me so I have something to lean on.
Whatever you say, boss.
And wipe that stupid grin off your face.
This happens to be the smartest grin I own.
And don't get any ideas.
I don't need to.
Brought plenty of them with me.
- Happy birthday, Maddie.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Six a.
Rise and shine.
Not him.
- So is the body still dead? - I didn't hear any snoring.
Let me check under the hood.
What? I think the stiff stiffed us.
- What do you mean? - He's a light sleeper.
- David, he's gone.
- And so are we.
- Why are we doing this? - We were hired to do a job.
We failed.
We have a responsibility to inform our client.
We have a responsibility to protect our client.
She was scared of her husband.
I do not think we should walk into her house and tell her he ceased to be deceased.
Who said he ceased to be deceased? How else are you gonna explain it? There's a perfectly logical explanation for what went on last night.
A body exists.
It's somewhere.
We just need the time to find it.
Only Mrs.
Kandinski can give us that time.
She's the client.
She has a right to know.
Take a second and put yourself in her shroud.
She is prepping for the big C, cremation day.
You wanna tell her the guest of honor won't be attending his own roast? - I suppose you have a better idea? - I do.
- I'm all ears.
- Not from here.
- The idea.
- Lie.
- Lie? - Yeah, lie.
Fabricate a story.
Tell an untruth.
The only sure-fire m.
In a bind like this.
- We are not lying.
- Okay, then leave out the truth.
Casket's sealed, shove it in as is.
Oven's turned up high.
The urn will never know.
- You're amazing.
- Just fell into place, that's all.
We're telling the truth.
Hey, it's your franchise.
I just work behind the counter.
- You'll wake up the- - The dead? Too late for that.
- Yes? - Mrs.
It's Madelyn Hayes and David Addison.
Could we speak to you for a moment, please? - He's out, isn't he? - That's what we're here to talk about.
He's out, isn't he? - We're not sure how it happened.
- He did it.
He said he'd do it, and he did.
I think you're jumping to conclu- He's coming back to kill me.
When you're right, you're right.
Lying to her would've been a huge mistake.
Where to next? We've been to every police station, hospital and cemetery in town.
- Why not go home? - Not until we locate this body.
We've been in the same clothes for two days.
David, Kandinski is dead.
Odds are, no matter what, we smell better than he does.
I didn't mean to snap, but you saw Mrs.
She was beside herself.
We have a responsibility to find her husband's dead body and put her mind at ease.
- Lf we can't? - What do you mean? - What if there is no dead body? - No dead body? - What if he did what he said? - You mean come back from the dead? Stranger things have happened.
- Not in my world.
- What? What are you saying? That things can't happen that are beyond explanation? - Don't laugh.
- What would you like me to do? There are a lot of things that are inexplicable.
You and me working together.
Name another.
- You won't consider the possibility? - You're saying? We should at least consider that he might make good on his threat.
Instead of looking for him, we should protect his wife.
How far are we from the morgue? Club Med for the dead.
- There are bodies in those drawers? - Check over on 606, chop-chop.
I'm Dr.
Can I help you? I'm Madelyn Hayes and this is David Addison.
We're investigators.
We'd like to ask you a question about Mr.
- And that would be what? - When you sent him to the mortuary was he dead? Was he dead? No.
He just had his chest cracked open, his lungs drained, his brain weighed and his stomach emptied onto a table.
After that, he walked out of here and caught a bus.
Hell, yes, he was dead.
- You wanna see the report? - Lf you don't mind.
Are you from the insurance company? Actually we were hired by his wife.
She wanted us to- I mean, we were supposed to watch the body so it wouldn't - I don't know how to explain it.
- We're from the insurance company.
I see.
Well, believe me, Mr.
Kandinski was deceased.
We're a very special kind of doctor.
Nobody leaves our offices alive.
I cut them, slap them on slides, poke through them and all I can do is bag them and send them out to be planted.
It was accidental? Two hundred and fifty cc's of tank water in the lungs.
Aspirated some guacamole from dinner.
No drugs traceable.
Contusions about the wrist, consistent with the manacles he was wearing.
The stupid jackass drowned.
Nothing magic about that.
Now, I have pictures and a full report if you're still not satisfied.
Thanks, I'll wait for the video.
Okay, I gotta go.
A rotor tore loose from a helicopter at the airport this morning.
Well, that narrows down the possibilities.
I think I know what the problem is.
We've been looking for a man named Kandinski.
- Of course we have.
- Maybe that's been our mistake.
- You smelled too much formaldehyde.
- Excuse me.
You had any John Doe bodies come in in the past 12 hours? - Two.
- We'd like to see them.
David, do we have to do this? When you go to the zoo, you wanna look at all the animals.
Here's your John Doe.
That's a Jane.
That's no Jane.
It's a Carolyn.
Poor Mrs.
- Lucky Mrs.
- Lucky Mrs.
Kandinski? As loaded as she was she's lucky she didn't take somebody with her down that cliff.
I don't know.
Driving intoxicated? She doesn't seem the type.
Trust me, Maddie.
You hear through the grapevine somebody dead is looking for you - you become the type.
- I don't know.
It's all too, I don't know, circular.
One of the world's best escape artists fails to free himself from a water tank and dies.
Two days later, his wife drives off a cliff into the ocean.
Cause of death in both cases, drowning.
Are you listening to me? No.
What do you mean, no? I'm sorry.
I was daydreaming.
A fantasy about sleeping in a bed.
How can you think about sleeping with so many unanswered questions? I gotta concentrate.
I don't know how to break this to you but the Kandinski case, it's closed.
- Closed? - Closed.
How can you say it's closed when the client just turned up dead? Yeah, well as crazy as it seems, I only work for live clients.
A habit I got into when I started to eat.
I'm going home.
- Going home? - Going home.
Look, Maddie, face it.
The Great Kandinski did it.
I don't know how, but he did it.
He died, came back, took care of the one- - That's ridiculous.
- That's amazing.
But it seems to have happened.
- I'm sorry, but I'll never believe that.
- You're forgiven.
But tell me why you can't accept the fact that things happen no one can understand.
- Because that's not how life works.
- Forgive me, you know how life works? I know how I think life works, yes.
Behind every mystery and unexplained phenomenon there's usually a logical explanation.
- Really? - Really.
- Rainbows.
- Light refracted by moisture.
- Bermuda Triangle.
- A myth and a hoax.
- The '69 Mets.
- A myth and a hoax.
Come on, Maddie, trust me.
There simply are things that defy explanation.
I mean, God Well, there you go.
There's a good example, God.
God's a good example.
God defies explanation.
You believe in him.
Everybody believes in him.
Hello? - Don't tell me.
- Then don't ask.
- You don-? - I warned you.
How can you not.
David, I don't think we wanna have this discussion.
Oh, okay.
I get it.
This is just something you say, right? This is something you say to people.
I mean, deep down deep, deep, deep down? I don't believe you.
- What? I don't believe in- - Don't say that.
You don't have to say that.
Even if you think it.
Why do you wanna say that? He might hear you.
All right, all right.
But what if you're wrong? Cover yourself.
- What's it gonna hurt? - I don't need to cover myself.
How? How did this happen? How did what happened? I don't have a disease.
I have a difference of opinion.
That's what our forefathers founded this country for.
You think so? Go home, David.
I need to think about this case.
You don't seem to wanna help.
But I don't wanna leave you by yourself.
I'll lock myself in.
I'll be fine.
No one will hurt me.
No one will smite me.
Go home.
You sure? A.
I was wondering if there was someone I could speak to about a magic trick.
You can speak to me.
My name is Madelyn Hayes.
- I'm a detective.
- Abby.
Abby Cadabra.
What trick did you wanna talk about? - Well, Mr.
Cadabra- - Abby.
It's a trick where the magician threatens that after he dies he will come back to life long enough to kill someone who has betrayed him.
- After he dies? - After he dies.
Sounds like a one-time-only trick.
I saw it happen, Abby.
He was in the coffin.
Hours later the coffin was empty hours after that the person he threatened was dead.
- That's some trick.
- It is a trick, isn't it? It certainly has all the makings.
Nothing new in escaping from a box.
They've done that before.
And if the man wasn't really dead in the first place- But he was.
I mean, that's the tricky part.
I saw the coroner's report.
And the man I work with saw the body with his own eyes.
What? Wish I had a penny for every time I've heard that.
But I did.
He did.
If people didn't have eyes to be sure with it wouldn't be so easy to fool them.
We know what we saw.
Sure you did.
Like these two rings.
Solid, right? Or are they? Of course they are.
You've seen it with your own eyes.
So you're saying I was tricked? Oh, I'm sorry.
You were saying? Fine, fine, fine.
Sleights of hand, false bottoms shills in the audience.
This man was dead.
Then maybe it was magic.
What do you mean, magic? There's no such thing as magic.
Isn't there? Someone taught you how to do that and now you teach it.
Just like a carpenter passing tricks of the trade to his son.
Secrets are passed, when there are secrets to pass.
But sometimes, miss, explanations are hard to find.
You mean explanations that you or I can figure out? I mean explanations that anybody can figure out.
You know, at the turn of the century there was a magician who made playing cards fly, right up to the ceiling and back.
No one ever did know how.
Heard about a magician named Animen once.
Used to catch rifle bullets in his teeth.
Other magicians thought they knew how.
All of them died duplicating the trick.
Don't think there's a magician alive who won't admit there's one trick he doesn't understand.
That's why they call it magic.
Afternoon, Ms.
Addison in? Lunch.
Soon as he's back send him into my office.
But until then, I don't wish to be disturbed.
Bye, Ms.
Hayes? - She in yet? - Yes, but- Not now.
- Answer something for me.
- Answer something for me.
- Shoot.
- I wish I could.
Was Kandinski dead when you saw him in his coffin? - What? - You saw him.
Was he dead? Does butter fly? Does a picket fence? - I want you to think.
- Just like that? You heard that coroner.
If he wasn't dead when he got to that morgue, he was when he left.
Damn, I wish we could find that body.
Which brings me to my question.
About what we discussed last night.
- God.
- There you go.
What did he ever do to you? - I'll put it another way.
- What difference does it make? - I'm gonna talk to that coroner.
- What difference? - All the difference in the world.
- Not to me.
- What about me? I didn't sleep.
- Buy a night-light.
- All night, worrying about your soul.
- Mr.
Addison? Ms.
Hayes? - My sole? - Your soul.
- My sole's fine.
Both of them.
- Excuse me, Ms.
- I don't get it.
- Keep this up, I'll give it to you.
If anyone ever had a reason to believe and to be thankful He's given you beauty.
He's given you brains.
He's given you me.
Addison, let me out of this door! See what happens when you tick off the big guy? Maybe you'd like to rethink your position.
Although, actually this is a rather interesting position.
Keep your hands off me.
Careful what you wish for.
It might come true.
- If you'll excuse me.
- But, Ms.
Hayes- Ms.
DiPesto, I don't have time.
I'm going to find the Great Kandinski.
By myself, dead or alive.
Be easier to do if you're alive.
I think someone already beat you to it.
DEAD MAGICIAN ROBS JEWELER AND DIES IN FALL "Dead magician robs jeweler and dies in fall"? Interesting development.
This office was made aware of the body's discovery shortly after 3 a.
This morning.
I personally performed the autopsy and determined the time of death to be between midnight and 2 a.
Kandinski appeared to have fallen from the side of the Jewelry Exchange on 7th Street falling seven floors to his death after penetrating the vault at the site.
An experienced aerial acrobat as well as a magician it appears that Mr.
Kandinski slipped and fell.
The bag of jewels he stole falling into the street and down a rain gutter.
As to the matter of Mr.
Kandinski's first death it would appear that someone in this office one of our 11 examiners, falsified Mr.
Kandinski's work papers and death certificate.
At this time, we're working under the assumption that this was done in return for money or perhaps an interest in this morning's robbery.
We do not know which of our examiners falsified these papers.
I assure you an internal investigation will take place and criminal charges will be pressed.
That's all the information I have, ladies and gentlemen.
Nealy, are we looking at a possible connection between Kandinski's falsified death and that of his wife? That's a question for the district attorney's office not the coroner's office.
However, I think it's fair to say that Mrs.
Kandinski's death will now be reinvestigated as a possible homicide.
- Dr.
Nealy, can you-? - Excuse me.
Please, just a couple more questions Dr.
Nealy - Well, I guess that's that.
- Guess so.
He really thought he'd get away with it.
Fake his own death so he'd be free to murder, steal.
The only thing to figure out is which of these bio majors was in cahoots with him.
- Either of you got a match? - Marie Osmond and Billy Graham.
Boy, is this gonna be a fun place to work until they find that guy.
- Who you picking in the exacta? - Beats me.
- You know what I don't understand? - Logarithms? What, you understood those? Remember, I showed you that John Doe that turned into a Jane Doe? - Carolyn Kandinski? - Yeah.
I don't know what she was doing being a Jane Doe.
Nealy knew who she was.
She'd been in to see him three or four hours earlier.
- No kidding? - No kidding.
Another thing, she came in DOA-DWI.
- Day? - No, DOA.
She was also DWI.
I gotta tell you, it doesn't make sense.
Because when she was in earlier, she seemed stone-cold sober to me.
So Mrs.
Kandinski went to see Nealy after she found out her husband's body had disappeared.
I wonder why.
The same reason we did.
To make sure he was down for the count.
- Wonder what he said to her.
- Whatever it was made an impression.
The lady went out and got lit after.
- At least according to Nealy.
- What do you mean? I don't know what I mean.
How can a man not recognize someone he spent time with three hours earlier? Trust me.
Some people look different laying down than they do sitting up.
- Unless we've got it backwards.
- Us? Can't be.
Or is that: Can't be.
Us? Maybe Nealy didn't upset Mrs.
- Maybe Mrs.
Kandinski upset Nealy.
- So he killed her? Made it look like an accident.
No one can second-guess him.
And if anyone did suspect murder- The suspect would be her not-so-late husband? - I'm turning around.
- Let's turn around.
Wait, don't we need 30 guys to spin the road and one guy to hold the car? Dr.
Nealy, we're all closed up.
You gonna be much longer? You go ahead.
I've got something to attend to before I go.
All right.
See you in the morning.
Were you going somewhere, Dr.
Nealy? What the hell are you doing in there? Waiting for you.
Waiting for me? Why? There are some things we want to ask you.
Ask me? Like what? Like whose idea was it? Yours or Kandinski's? David, are you in there? You mean faking Kandinski's death? He came to me.
Said he wanted to pull off the greatest trick of all time.
Needed to fake a death certificate.
I told him: "Not for all the tea in China.
" But then he came up with half the jewels in L.
- David, why aren't you out here? - Maddie, I'm stuck.
- Stuck? - Stuck.
And the whole thing would've worked too.
If only his wife hadn't realized that he wasn't really dead.
You killed her? David.
People shouldn't drive after being injected with alcohol.
- Over here.
- David? You killed Kandinski too, didn't you? You made sure he fell during the burglary.
Forgive me.
But I have this penchant for neatness.
You were very good.
I was very impressed.
For crying out loud, what took you so long? Sorry, I was in a terrific conversation with a couple of the boys back here.
We're thinking of going to see a Dead concert.
You wanna come? - I'm out of here.
- So, what else is new? - How long you gonna stick around? - As long as it takes.
Why? Don't you ever get scared? Worried? Being here all alone.
God bless you.
Or whoever.
- Hey.
- Yes.
For what it's worth, it's crossed my mind.
- What's that? - The possibility.
You don't have to say that on my account.
I'm not saying it on your account.
I'm saying it just as a point of information.
I don't want you losing any more sleep over me.
Believe me, if I ever find myself over you the last thing I'll be thinking about is sleeping.
Besides, you're already covered.
I put a good word in for you myself.
- You did? - No big deal.
Are you saying you prayed for me? No, not prayed.
I just I never had a guy pray for me before.
What are you doing? You making fun of me? I'm not making fun of you.
- Well, don't.
- I wouldn't.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know it crossed my mind.
And I just wanted you to know that you know, everybody's gotta decide for themselves.
I figured as long as I had the big guy's ear- No, I appreciate that.
Well, I should get going.
Open or closed? Open.
Good night.
I think I'll walk down with you.