Moonlighting s02e18 Episode Script


- I told you she wouldn't let us down.
- Me? Camille.
Camille, Camille, Camille.
- Mordy, Mordy, Mordy.
- Camille, Camille.
It's all in here.
License, everything.
Get this show on the road.
The nurses will be done with coffee any minute.
Let's do it.
Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the everlasting union between Camille Brown and Mordacai Maschinski.
To have and to hold in sickness and in health through good times and bad.
Hold it, padre.
- What is this? - What is that? Keep going.
Come on! California Bunco.
Finally found you, Camille.
You shouldn't have applied for a marriage license.
That was stupid.
- I'm getting married today.
- You're in trouble.
Been passing bad checks.
The car the apartment, a year of back alimony.
You owe a lot of money.
We are talking major felony.
A minute.
That's all I need is a minute to finish this all up and then I can pay everybody.
I mean, I could even give you a little some extra.
We're talking about a minute.
Meet my maid of honor.
Let's wrap this up.
All you gotta do is last a couple more minutes and then we'll go to your room, me and you.
And then we'll smother ourselves in Vicks.
We'll have a great time.
We'll get crazy, okay? By the power vested in me by the state of California the city of Los Angeles here witnessed on this sixth day of May in the unincorporated village of Palms I now pronounce you He stopped coughing.
No, he- He does this all the time.
I mean He's asleep.
Isn't he? He's dead.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
Shame, thought you made a hell of a couple.
You know he loved you more than life itself.
Yeah, I know.
- What's your name, honey? - Me? - Hyman.
- Hyman.
You are the first person I'm gonna call when I get out, Hyman.
Save it for me.
- No cuffs, huh? - I ain't into bondage.
- Lucky me.
- Yeah, well I am in a great mood today.
You're my collar of the month, Camille.
You're my ticket out of the inspector's doghouse.
Might even be a promotion in it.
You were willing to give it up for a couple of bucks back there.
I still am.
You planning on coming into a large inheritance? Stop! That woman is under arrest! Senator! Senator, over here, please! Hold it! Senator, any comment on the scandal in the mayor's office? Hey, get him up! Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Are you all right? - Are you okay? - Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Come on.
- What'd I do? - You stopped him, lady.
You saved the senator's life.
You're a hero.
How can I ever thank you? I guess - All right, come on, go inside.
- Make way, please, for the lady she had a traumatic experience.
- How is that possible? - Camille Brand.
- Camille Brand.
- Camille.
- What about her? - What about her? She's a hero.
- So? - Think what she can do for this place.
- What could she do? Think of a better way to drum up business.
- Drum up business? - Drum up business.
What about cold calls, pitches, presentations? Maddie.
I hate to be the sugar in your gas tank, but that stuff's passé.
Passé? Passé? Work is passé? No, not work.
Not cold calls, not pitches, not presentations.
You making cold calls, pitches and presentations.
Come on, face it.
You give your spiel, a guy sees a girl, not a crime-stopper.
Curves, not muscles.
You kick down sand castles, don't you? If the kid won't give his ice cream.
You know it's true.
You wanna goose up business? You wanna have everybody begging for our car keys on Saturday night? - You know what you gotta do.
- Camille Brand.
- Took the words right out of my mouth.
- Open up, I'll put them back.
Look at this.
A quote from the police chief: "Thanks to Camille, we can all breathe a little easier.
" - Would you like that on your ad? - That woman wrestled an assassin.
- That doesn't make her a detective.
- That never stopped us.
Maddie, this woman is a hero.
A hero.
- America loves heroes, right, kids? - Right! If she called a client, he'd return that call.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime, Maddie.
If you could've got Mary Lou Retton two years ago, you would have.
This woman is our Mary Lou.
- Where will she sit? - I'll give her my office.
- What are we gonna pay her with? - I'll take a pay cut.
Let's go talk to her.
The Biltmore is giving her a suite.
The mayor is giving her the key to the city.
We can give a pitch.
She's not gonna wanna come.
She's probably got companies offering her jobs for all kinds of money.
She's not gonna wanna come.
But it isn't gonna hurt if we go talk to her, right? Yes, I agree with you.
Yes, I know.
But it's- No, no, no.
The American Legion wants her to speak to tomorrow.
And after that, the police academy's got- And- What? The mayor wants to know if you're comfortable.
Yes, but tell him the maids keep gift-wrapping the toilets.
- She is extremely uncomfortable - Is The Color Purple on cable yet? Excuse me you're Camille Brand? I would just like to shake the hand of the bravest woman in town.
Sorry to barge in.
I'm Madelyn Hayes, and this is David Addison.
- Reporters? - Better.
We're from Blue Moon.
We're always on the lookout for special people.
- "The few, the proud, the Blue Moon"? - Something like that, yeah.
Addison is trying to say that if you have experience in criminal work- Aside from foiling assassinations and keeping safe the Western world? - Aside from that, yes.
- I dabble.
Enough foreplay.
Camille, we would like to offer you a job.
Write your offer down.
Leave it on the dresser.
- Leave it on the dresser? - Should be a pile on there.
Been kind of flooded with offers, you know? I mean, commercials, consulting.
Starting price is six figures.
We haven't got six figures.
Look, we are not with the Fortune 500.
We are not in a position to put your face on a box of cereal or a billboard or any of that.
We are a small, nothing company but we need you.
Right now our company is as anonymous as companies get.
We're the Bermuda Triangle.
People work for us, they're never heard from again.
- Look.
- That's very nice.
In fact, I think half the people who work for us are there because they're trying to hide from somebody.
We need- We need you, Camille.
We need you to put us on the map.
That's my speech.
We'd love to have you.
Six, two and even.
Over and out.
- Maybe another time, sweetheart.
- Nice to have met you.
I've come to the point where I just don't want it.
You don't want it at all, or you don't want it three, four times a week? Not never, like maybe once every two or three months.
- Why, what is happening in your life? - Nothing.
- Who is it? - Room service.
It's open.
Allow me.
Heard the mayor is giving you a medal.
Yeah, that's right.
Maybe I'll come and watch.
Maybe I'll point you out to the mayor.
Say, "Mr.
Mayor, that man over there is the biggest pig on the force.
" You don't understand.
I'm rooting for you, Camille.
I want you to get everything that a hero deserves.
You see I feel that your good fortune is my good fortune, you know? It's like I've got the winning lottery ticket in my pocket.
Only I'm not gonna cash you in yet.
You hold out for the fattest offer you can get partner.
And don't worry about calling me when you find work.
Because I'll find you.
Bermuda Triangle, huh? Good morning, my name is- Blue Moon Investigations.
If you're in a fix, we're the people to turn to, we make it right quick.
We're effective because we listen to all you say.
We listen, listen, listen and send help on the way.
Hold on a minute, will you? My name is Camille Brand.
Camille Brand? Yeah, Camille Brand.
Camille Brand? Camille Brand! - What are they doing this for? - Because you're a hero.
You think you could get used to all this? - This is all mine? - All yours.
Shi- pwreck.
Yes indeedy, this is the orifice of the future.
Here we have a refrigerator a TV and a very sexy view of Los Angeles.
Everything you need to put in a hard day's work.
Nice fit.
Just a little something.
It's from David and me.
God, there's something in here.
What's this? "Blue Moon Investigations.
Camille Brand, Investigator.
" "Security specialist"? Even I don't believe this.
Everybody signed it.
WELCOME CAMILLE "Welcome, Camille.
" This is something.
Just a proclamation even a key to the city but this is This is Thanks.
PLEASE? They're in third, then a gap to Good Czar.
MAKING MIDDLE MANAGEMENT MATTER French Star on the outside, fifth.
And Sudden Sass is the trailer.
They straighten out and race down the stretch.
Along the inside, Arzelle rallies towards the lead.
Between horses, it's Full of Gems, and on the outside, Heat Up.
- Here comes Good Czar, rallying - Can I-? What are you reading? This is Forum, the journal of human sexual behavior.
Wanna borrow it? Can I see you in my office, please? Oh, I get it.
A little discretion.
Absolutely, I can see you in your office, Ms.
- Now - This isn't you, is it? "Single and craving 'suck-cess.
"' I didn't think so.
This woman said she had a sense of humor.
I'd like you to check my thinking on something.
Every successful business has a smooth flow of command.
- Wouldn't you say? - Say I would.
We hired Camille to help us grow.
- Did we not? - Not we did.
And wouldn't you say that if we were asked to create a graphic representation of the chain of command here at Blue Moon that this would accurately reflect it? Gosh, this is a lot of information to absorb all at one time.
- I'm serious, David.
- We'll get you something for that.
- You were to supervise her training.
- And? For the past 10 days you've been reading bondage magazines talking to your bookie and listening to the top 40! You don't know what you are talking about.
- I don't? - No, you don't.
Forum is not a bondage magazine.
Like I told you before, it's the journal of human sexual behavior.
- Oh, I stand corrected.
- No, you stand terrific.
The fact remains, there are a few other things I don't know.
I don't know if Camille comes to work or not.
I've only seen her twice.
I don't know if she's in.
She keeps her door locked.
I don't know if she intends to live up to her half of her employment contract.
All I do know is that she has cashed her first week's paycheck.
Comments? It's only been 10 days, Maddie.
She's getting adjusted, acclimatized, you know.
She's settling in, getting her bearings.
- Robbing me blind.
- I'll talk with her.
- I wish you would.
- Good.
AGAIN? Come in at 4:00.
I want your job.
Been downtown all day trying to get a license for our friend, Sherlock Jones.
Yeah, well, I had a talk with our friend today.
- Our friend? - My friend.
- And? - I think you're gonna see a change.
- A change in attitude, in style.
- Style? Style.
You wanna hear something you're not gonna believe? - Why would I want to? - That lady admires you.
- I don't believe this.
- How about this.
She wants to please you, to make you proud.
Hell, she wants to be you when she grows up.
Afternoon, Maddie.
So how you doing today, Maddie? I sure do enjoy working here.
See? A synchronized swim team couldn't have done it any better.
Of course I'll step into your office.
Yeah, talk to me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
If a man works late, but there's no boss around to be impressed does the work really count? Quitting time.
Come on, TGIF.
Last one out's a rotten egg.
You are a weird piece of work, Addison.
Yeah, I try.
- So? - So.
I have this feeling.
As a matter of fact, I'm having this feeling really good right now.
I have this feeling that next week is gonna be a great week.
That I will be ready next week to go out and we will get some new accounts.
And get old yellow hair off your and my behind.
I don't know, it's just- Just a feeling.
No, no, I think you're right.
I think that's great.
You know what I was gonna suggest? I was gonna suggest that Monday me and you go out and start hitting places.
Start hitting and see what happens.
Now, what's the worst thing that could possibly happen? - She's been on your back, huh? - It's been almost three weeks, Camille.
You know what the killer is? The killer is that I know once you get started you're gonna be great.
A natural.
I just gotta figure out how to get you out of this office.
I wish I knew what you were so scared of.
Leaving work so early? You still don't understand about licenses, do you? - What do you want? - Well, you need them to marry.
You need them to detect.
You really think you were gonna lose me by burying yourself here? What do you want? This place is very nice.
This your office? They give you benefits? How about dental? You weren't thinking of leaving just then, were you? - Come on, take me in.
- I don't wanna take you in.
And I don't think that you want me to take you in.
Are you forgetting? I arrested you once.
You escaped.
That's 10 years right there.
And then of course whatever jury you get I don't think is gonna take too kindly to the way that you have exploited this whole hero thing.
I'm not gonna take you in.
And you're not going anywhere.
Not yet.
Not while there is money to be made here.
Here? You're dreaming, Dick Tracy.
Places like this get access to places with safes.
Jewels, cash, securities.
This place doesn't have access to jack, Jack.
- I don't believe you.
- Well, believe this: They got no money.
They got no cases.
This place is scraping by.
Okay, believe this: Either you come up with $50,000 worth of something for me by the end of next week or I'll have you on so much ice, you'll think you're a jigger of vermouth.
Blue Moon Investigations.
If you're in trouble, if you're in a fix we're the people to turn to, we'll make it right quick.
We're effective because we listen- Please, sir, let me finish.
- Listen, listen to all you say.
We'll hear your prob- You're being very rude.
I'm not through yet.
What? Ms.
Gas, there's a Hayes in the building! - A Hayes in the building? - Yes, Ms.
Gas! A Hayes leak.
They think the building might blow up! - Don't panic.
- I'll try not to.
We have received a phone call that there is a gas leak here in this building.
Don't panic.
Camille! Camille! I don't think there's anything to worry about.
Wilson O'Neil Ms.
Chin up, shoulders back.
Stick that chest out, soldier.
Well, it's already way out.
Belay that.
For that matter, would you belay me? - What are you doing here? - Payday, isn't it? I make it a point to come back after lunch on payday.
You didn't call in this emergency? I'm offended.
It isn't even sixth period.
What emergency? - You don't know? There's a gas leak.
- Where's Camille? I don't know.
I thought she was with you.
Hold this.
Yo! Camille, come on, you gotta evacuate.
There's gas in the building.
Yes, I heard.
Triathlon's that way.
- Everybody's downstairs.
- Oh, I know, I was downstairs too.
And I came upstairs to look for you.
I was worried about you.
You were, huh? Yeah, definitely.
False alarm.
False alarm.
False alarm.
- What's up, doc? - That's strange.
What's that? Gas leaks? I have them all the time.
There's something wrong with that painting.
Well - it's ugly.
- No, I mean, it's crooked.
Or crooked-er than it was this morning.
- What makes you say that? - I straightened it when I came in.
David I didn't lock my office when we evacuated.
I know it's probably just my imagination.
The licenses, your gun our petty cash.
It's gone.
Two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars! Oh, boy, am I stupid, leaving that door open.
Oh, I can't tell you how many times I've dialed that combination with people in the office.
Two thousand dollars of our petty cash.
- David, I wonder who- - I did it.
- What? - Yeah, I took it.
I thought I put that picture back exactly the same way too.
I counted on putting the money back before you found out about it.
I still count on that.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I don't believe that.
Good for you.
Come on.
Don't look so surprised.
You've been gnashing your teeth ever since I got here.
I just didn't wanna make a liar out of you.
- Would you mind telling us why? - Yes.
Yes, I would.
Nothing would give me less pleasure.
What I can't figure out is which one of you is the bigger fool? You, for getting me to work here.
Or you, for letting me work here.
I'm no hero.
I'm damn sure not a detective.
Who I am and what I do is take people for a ride.
And you two have been rode.
Knock, knock.
It's almost 8:00.
Would you mind walking me to the garage? What are you talking about? You're afraid to walk down to the garage? All right, I'm not afraid.
I was looking for an excuse to say "knock, knock.
" Are you mad at me? She 's been gone almost a week, and you won't look at me when we talk.
- You avoid me, you- - I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at me.
I thought I was a better judge of character.
Hey, it wasn't just you.
I own this place, and I let you hire her.
We sure were rode, weren't we? Well I guess I really need you to walk me down.
See you.
I didn't mean to - Camille Brand in? - Something I can do for you? Camille Brand.
I believe that that's her office that you're standing in.
- I'm looking for her.
- Gone.
- Gone? - Gone.
- "Gonest.
" - Gone where? We don't know.
It's been a week.
May I ask who it is we're speaking to, and why you want to know? She owes me money.
Now, you two wouldn't be keeping her from me, now would you? That would be difficult.
How do you keep someone's whereabouts you don't know - from someone who you don't know? - No problem.
I'll find her myself.
Maybe you're not such a bad judge of character after all.
I know.
I know it's a mess.
And you know why it's a mess? It's tired.
It's tired, and I'm tired.
But you can tell that, can't you? I just don't get any sleep at night.
Not a wink.
I'm afraid.
See, I have these dreams, and they're really awful, frightening- I mean, I don't understand.
I had this dream last night, okay? About this man with this longest tongue you've ever seen.
And he can breathe through his ears.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I have that dream all the time myself.
- You do? Yes.
Okay, kiddies.
All ashore that's going ashore.
Isn't that cute? Come.
Dive, dive, dive.
Long time no see.
You'll never learn.
You never should've applied for that beautician's license.
- Sort of like hanging out a neon sign.
- I'm busy.
Unless of course you came in for a cut and a rinse.
- I want my money.
- I don't have any money.
You? The queen of scam.
Why don't I believe that? Believe it.
I'm not running any scam.
Or any anything.
I've gone legit.
Yeah? Well, then I believe that you have a debt to pay to society - What? - that is somewhat overdue.
- Hey! Take your hands off her.
- What are you two doing here? I need a manicure.
She needs a woman-cure.
He was following you, so we followed him.
- You're interfering.
Police business.
- Police? You're police? Really? You're so crooked, you're round.
Wouldn't happen to know the chief's number, would you? We're leaving now.
She and I.
We don't want any heroics from either of you.
Stay right there.
- Did you say something? - No! Come on, friend, put the gun down.
Let her go.
Hey, shut your mouth and quit walking towards me.
- Did you say something? - No! You're making it worse for yourself.
At least think of your wife and kids.
I'm gay.
I don't have any wife and kids.
Then think of next month.
The fall clothes will be out.
Quit following me.
- No! - No! Hey, where you going? We still got two more pages to shoot on this set! Hey, come back here! Nobody yelled cut! Go, go, go! Well, I guess we lost him for now.
David, look out! Say, aren't you Billy Barty? - And aren't you-? - Lay off! - Hit on somebody your own size.
- Look out! Slow down, buddy.
Hey! - Are you a good guy or a bad guy? - I'm a bad guy.
Yeah, me too.
How about a lift? - Agnes, where are you going? - Home.
I'm through for the day.
- No, you're not, you're in this scene! - Come on! - Well, I guess that's that.
- You think so? How about this scenario: I shoot the four of you, then I wipe my prints off the gun and I put the gun in Camille's dead hand.
- I don't know.
- I think that's gonna work.
Quiet! And now - Hey.
What are you doing? - Sorry, we're on a tight schedule here.
Prop's gotta go back.
- Excuse me, fellas.
- Hey! - Set's coming down! - Limousines are here.
Somebody's taking my coat.
- What is this? - Wait a sec, wait a sec! We haven't even finished the story.
I don't know what happens to my character.
All right.
Maddie and I have done a ton of these.
We'll explain what happens.
- This is how it ends.
- Okay.
You see the light, promise to mend your ways and become a better person.
Well, if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be.
You go to prison, you get your law degree you write a jailhouse novel, they make a movie about it - De Niro drops weight and plays you.
- De Niro, huh? I can live with that.
Goldberg, Mr.
Nelson! Your limousines are waiting! - Thank you very much.
- Oh, it's so great! - Thank you so much.
- Goodbye.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you! - I'll see you.
- Thanks for coming by.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Well Guess we won't see you till next fall.
Come here.
Have a nice summer.
See you.
- You too.
- Yeah, have a nice summer.
I will.
So? So.
Have a nice summer.
Have a nice summer.
- Well.
- Well.
- Hey, Maddie.
- David.
What? No, never mind.
It'll keep till the fall.
Oh, well.
If you think so.
Yeah, I think so.
It'll keep till the fall.