Moonlighting s05e11 Episode Script

In 'N Outlaws

Good morning, Burt.
I promise I'll never ever hog the blankets again.
-Please don't leave me.
-Leave you? Me? Never my gumdrop.
I just have to hit the dry cleaners before I go to work.
I can't figure out what to wear, so I'm gonna get everything done.
Oh, Burt, Burt.
You can't get so wound up about this.
This is just family.
Agnes, 83 Violas in one place is not just family.
It's an ordeal, a gauntlet, a tong war.
What are you wearing? -I don't know.
-You don't know.
Agnes, please.
This is the first time you've met my family -I don't want it to be the last.
You don't know how judgemental they can be.
I'll work on an outfit.
Chill out.
Oh, sorry, Miss Di Pesto.
I hope I didn't spook you.
Good morning, Mr.
Nice day.
Yes, a beaut.
Here you go.
No bills today.
-Have a nice day.
-Jury duty? -Jury duty.
All right.
Go out, get yourself It'll turn your skin orange.
The judge will think she's got liver condition.
Shave your head in a Mohawk, tattoo an eight ball.
Get blood, paint your face.
The judge will think she's out of her mind.
Are you suggesting that Agnes lie to get out of her responsibility? Yeah.
I know a guy who smeared cat food all over himself went to the induction centre in his mom's undies, it worked.
Never mind that lying under oath is a criminal offence.
Agnes has a moral obligation.
What would our legal system be if everyone tried to weasel out? What would happen to truth, justice and the American way.
I am surprised.
I'm so ashamed.
-So can I go? -Of course, you can go.
-You have to go.
-I wanna go.
I've been called to duty.
I think I should answer.
So how long do you think you need to take off? It's hard to say.
A day, a week.
If another Scopes Monkey Trial comes along I could be gone for months.
Agnes, you're just so valuable around here.
I don't know if we can spare you that time.
What about my responsibility? It becomes a liability when it interferes with Maddie.
-I didn't mean that.
-You didn't? But some people have to forgo jury duty.
They can't afford to miss work.
She's trying to say that her true colours are not red, white and blue.
Miss Hayes, I vote every four years and it hasn't counted once.
And just because I'm a Californian doesn't mean that I'm not an American.
This is a chance to count.
When you're right, you're right, Agnes.
And you have the right to take this time off.
I'll get caught up.
I'll get a temp.
I've already written a week's worth of rhymes.
Thanks, Miss Hayes.
-Thanks, Mr.
-Knock them dead, kid.
Aunt Lenora you and Uncle Sal are booked on the 537 flight.
Yeah, that's the same flight that Aunt Michelle is on.
Oh, come on.
That happened 20 years ago.
Who cares if she called you big boned? Not now, Agnes.
I mean, I've always believed that that bones are in the eyes of the beholder.
I have to tell you something.
Aunt Lenora Lenora, honey, would you just hold? Dad, Aunt Lenora would go on the same flight as Aunt Michelle.
-Yeah, the bones thing.
Can you-- -Burt.
What, just-- Agnes, please.
I am in the middle of a very delicate negotiation here.
Hello, Dad.
Uncle Louie, you would not believe what that big-boned bag of wind has been putting me through.
Aunt Lenora? Of course, I knew it was you.
Hey, MacGi icuddy, guess what? Aunt Lenora, hold.
I'm sorry.
What did you wanna tell me about? -I have been called to jury duty.
-Oh, that's great.
That's terrific.
There goes Uncle Louie.
What about the reunion? I don't see why it should interfere.
They have to let you out for dinner.
I mean, judges have to eat too, don't they? Yeah, they probably do.
Okay, well, congratulations.
Good luck, be fair, be firm and don't drink too many fluids.
Oh, and Agnes.
I don't see any reason why we have to mention this to MacGi icuddy.
He isn't here anyway.
All rise.
Be seated.
If both sides are ready.
We will proceed.
I was going in late like always to clean the offices.
-What did you hear that night? -Those two.
Which two? Mr.
Gibson and Miss O'Rourke.
-Do you remember anything they said? -He said, she was hell in high heels.
And that her sole purpose in this world was to drive him crazy and stuff like that.
-Then what happened? -I didn't wanna get in the middle so I did some other offices first then I came back.
And would you describe for the jury what you saw when you came back to Kathleen O'Rourke's office later that night.
Miss O'Rourke hanging from the ceiling.
Dead? She wasn't running a fever.
The enigmatic configuration on the deceased wasn't consistent with strangulation by hanging.
Translation? Well, the bruises Miss O'Rourke sustained weren't caused by rope.
-What then? -A pair of hands probably.
Larynx was fractured.
-But a suicide note was found.
I'd bet the farm someone strangled her.
Then strung her up to make it look suicide.
How long have you been working in the at Gibson-O'Rourke Investments? Fifteen years.
And how would you characterise the relationship of your bosses: John Gibson and Kathleen O'Rourke.
They were a trip.
Was John Gibson upset in the weeks prior to Miss O'Rourke's death? No, he seemed pretty together to me.
Was he together about the fact that Miss O'Rourke had been dating another man? -Hey.
I'm just a secretary.
-And this was just a murder.
Badgering the witness.
-Objection sustained.
Save your conclusions for your closing argument.
Could you point out your boss John Gibson the man charged with murdering his business partner, Kathleen O'Rourke? Does the attorney for the defence have any witnesses? Yes, Your Honour, the defence calls John Gibson to the stand.
Yeah, we'd been arguing.
We'd been arguing for 25 years.
-I wish we could argue for 25 more.
-Did you have a sexual relationship? In spite of ourselves.
Were you in love with Kathleen O'Rourke? I don't know.
I guess I was.
Gibson did you kill Kathleen O'Rourke? No.
Not guilty.
Aunt Lenora.
Aunt Lenora, over here.
Say something, Aunt Lenora.
I'm Lenora Viola.
Aunt Lenora.
Herbert's father's brother's wife.
From Sunnyside, Queens, New York.
He knows that already.
We all know that.
-What am I supposed to say? -Something we don't know.
You'll waste the man's film.
-it's videotape.
Tell him it's videotape.
-it's videotape, Uncle Sal.
I don't care if it's cellophane.
You're wasting his time.
Oh, yeah, Mr.
You think you can do better? As a matter of fact I can.
Sal Viola, belts.
That's my business, yeah, fashion belts.
Cowhide, suede, leather.
You name it.
We have three convenient stores to serve you.
And don't forget our new store in Paramus.
Hey, bring the kids.
Before you let anyone else through your loops, call Sal Viola.
His prices are insane.
That was great.
You didn't know the camera loves your Uncle Sal did you, huh? Well, it isn't Frances Ford Viola.
-Glad you could make it, Guido.
-Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this party for the world.
And when have you ever turned up your nose at a free meal? It's been nice chatting.
See you in another 10 years.
-Hey, cousin, don't rush off.
-I'm busy now.
Yeah, I can see that.
Everybody's whooping it up and you behind the camera hiding out.
But, I guess, every family got its wallflower.
Look, Guido you've been taking potshots at me since we were both in diapers.
Why don't you lay off just this once.
Hey, coz, I'm on your side.
One of your biggest supporters.
I'm the one telling the family, "Hey, relax.
That bird's gonna find himself someday.
" -Who says I haven't found myself? -Forget about it.
You know how the family is.
You're pushing 40.
-Not a lot to show for.
-It was Lenora, wasn't it? -And I'm pushing 35.
-No big deal.
You've never forgiven me for wearing love beads to the family picnic in 1970.
Hey, look at it from their point of view.
They wanna know the torch will be passed that the Viola name will be carried on.
You and I.
We got a big responsibility to these people.
And because you're the family brown nose and I'm the family hockey puck, let me tell you something.
I'm gonna be making a announcement tonight which is gonna put everybody's mind at ease about the Viola name.
If you need me to play along with whatever you got cooked up -I'll be glad to.
-Now, wait a minute.
Are you insinuating that Agnes doesn't exist? -Agnes? -Yeah, Agnes Di Pesto.
My girlfriend.
And roommate for the last two years.
And I'd like you to meet my friend, Harvey.
He's a pooka, you know? Hey, Sparky.
There's a delivery guy looking for you.
That' be the ice sculpture.
I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't call me Sparky.
What the matter? -I always called you Sparky.
-But Sparky isn't my name.
I've never particularly liked being called Sparky.
I won't call you Sparky.
-Thank you.
-Is Henna here yet? -Just got here half an hour ago.
-The plane was held up in Milano.
-Where is she? You know your grandmother loves to make entrances.
When you planning on coming home? Dad, I am home.
When you moved out I didn't raise a fuss.
What are you talking about? You reported me as a missing person.
I'm not getting any younger.
Somebody's gotta take over this business.
Dad, I'm not cut out to run the business.
I don't even like garlic.
Thank God your mother's not alive to hear you.
Dad, my life is here in California.
The woman I love is here in California.
My career is here in California.
All the fruitcakes in the world are here in California.
Who is this girl, where is she? What are you ashamed of your own family? Maybe she doesn't like garlic either.
ls she Italian? Catholic at least? Dad, please.
You'll have to excuse me, the ice sculpture's melting.
-Where do you want this? -Right in the centre of the wreath.
Wait a minute.
Where's Sicily? -You asked for Italy.
-Sicily is Italy.
We went by the picture in the atlas.
They've been drawing Italy for a long time.
It is right below the toe of the boot.
You asked for Italy.
You get Italy.
You want extra countries you pay extra.
Sicily is not extra.
Sicily is an island off the coast of Italy.
-Well, then it ain't attached.
-No, not physically but I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Continental drift.
Hey, everybody.
Look who we brought.
It is an honour to have you with us.
Attention please, let me have your attention.
-A toast.
-A toast.
Many years ago, a man left his home in the hills of Toscana.
He came to this country in search of a dream.
That man was my father.
After many years of hard work and diligence he made that dream come true.
And he passed that dream on to his children.
And l-- I carried on that dream because I was proud of what my father had done.
Proud to have been his son.
And my son.
My son lives in California.
-My son sneezes at garlic.
-Dad-- My son is too ashamed of his own flesh and blood to introduce us to his mistress.
-No, no, no.
They're-- -Mistress.
-He couldn't not be guilty.
-All the evidence is there.
-What more do you need? -They caught him red-handed.
-His eyes are too close together.
-And that chin.
I thought we were to vote our consciences.
Yeah? So? So, what's that got to do with his eyes or his wardrobe or his chin? A witness saw at the scene of the crime.
-He has a motive.
-And they found his fingerprints.
-They had a fight.
-They hated each other.
I don't know.
-I'm just not sure.
-Look, it's getting late.
If we don't reach a verdict soon we're gonna be sequestered.
-They're going to lock us up in a hotel.
-And it won't be the Ritz-Carlton.
We won't be able to go anywhere? -Right.
-Not even to the Viola family reunion? Look, lady, what do we have to do to get you to reconsider? Can we start at the beginning? So I guess Agnes had another date, huh? Hey, maybe she met my friend Harvey at a motel.
As a matter of fact, she is a late.
I was just about to call her.
Dance with your cousin, Francesca.
Gosh, Aunt Lenora, I've got two left feet.
Nonna is very excited about you two.
Francesca is a fifth cousin twice removed.
So it's okay if you two-- And we'll all see each other again at your wedding.
Let's dance.
Let's dance.
What do you mean you can't tell me where she is? Do you have any idea who you're speaking to? Does the name Judge Wapner ring a bell? Yes, and I've been asked to take over this case.
But I can't do that if the Agnes Di Pesto on the jury is the same Agnes Di Pesto who sat next to me in the second grade.
I'm sure you can appreciate the conflict of interest that presents.
So unless you want to be held responsible for a mistrial, buster you'll put me through to her and pronto.
Where? Eddy, come here.
Toothbrush and soap.
Di Pesto in here.
-Listen, this is very nice.
-Toothbrush and soap.
I can't stay here.
I have to be some place.
-Nobody goes anywhere at night.
-Couldn't I go out for a while? An hour? I won't talk to anyone.
I'll be back by midnight.
You're not to have contact with anyone, not even each other.
-Eleven thirty? -No phone calls, no newspapers.
And you must remain in your room.
Well, I guess room service is out of the question.
-Oh, John.
-You're driving me crazy, Kathleen.
-John, you have to go.
-No, I'm busy.
John you have to get Mr.
Honeywell's tax audit ready.
Do you know that the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when I do this? John, we'll lose the account if we can't stand audit.
I'll be here when you get back.
Can we start from the same place? Better yet, I'll start from the beginning.
Keep your motor running.
-Is he gone? -Yes.
-I thought he'd never leave.
-I live for these moments of stolen passion.
The waiting is torture.
-You make me hot.
-I know.
I wanna be a bad, bad girl.
Tell me what you want me to do.
Remind me to fix the leak in your faucet.
There's really a leak in your bathroom.
I'll bring my tools tomorrow.
What a man.
I couldn't stay away.
I've been on to you two for some time, and now I finally catch you.
What do you expect? A passionate woman like Kathleen needs a real man not a bean counter like you.
Don't hurt him.
I wouldn't waste my time.
The door will be unlocked, dreamboat.
Let yourself in.
I'll be waiting.
Agnes, it's just me.
-Let me in.
She'd still be alive if it wasn't for you.
-Who? -Your bad, bad little girl.
Go away.
Agnes, I'm three storeys high, stop kidding around.
Burt? Burt, I had the most terrible dream.
You and Miss Hayes were chewing on each other and then she was dead.
And then .
-What are you doing here? -I have to talk to you.
I'm not supposed to talk to anybody.
I'm sequestered.
-I could get fired for this.
-Agnes, you can't get fired off a jury.
-It will go on my permanent record.
-Agnes, this is an emergency.
-You forgot to water the plants? -No, no, no, the pothos is fine.
It's my family.
My cousin Guido is slithering around telling everyone I'm light in my Ioafers.
My dad thinks I came to California in order to be near Charles Manson.
And Nonna, my own grandmother-- My own grandmother is forcing me into marrying a woman who eats cannoli for a living.
Agnes, if you don't come with me right now my family may leave me no choice but to join the priesthood.
Burt, Burt, I'd truly like to help you but I can't.
I'm an instrument of justice.
The judge told me himself.
No, Agnes, I'm sure you're a wonderful juror.
But none of that matters.
I hear they gonna declare a mistrial because some nitwit has hung the jury.
I'm not a nitwit.
You're the one? I'm the one.
Agnes if everybody thinks he did it, he probably did it.
I'm not everyone else, and "probably" is not good enough.
Agnes, listen to me.
You are a good, decent, honourable person.
If an innocent man goes to the gallows for the greater good I'm sure the Lord in his infinite wisdom will understand.
I'm the only one that understands that two people can love and hate each other at the same time.
They pretend they didn't care but they did, like Miss Hayes and Mr.
Addison wouldn't kill Miss Hayes.
That's exactly my point.
He'd never let her know he cared that much.
I mean, enough to kill her.
That would be letting her get the best of him.
Agnes, we're talking about different people.
I know, but it's the same.
Gibson cou dn't kill Miss O'Rourke.
Even if he caught you with Miss Hayes.
Gibson and O'Rourke.
You mean the trial that's been splashed all over the newspapers? -That's an open-and-shut case.
-I'm not saying any more.
Agnes, what will it take to convince you to go with the crowd and fry this bum so we can get out of here.
-Out? -Out.
-Agnes, be careful.
It's a long way-- Burt.
Excuse me, you aren't by any chance Italian? Yeah.
You wouldn't have a sister I could borrow, would you? -No.
-No, no.
It's a small world after all.
I knew you'd be back.
There's a job at a meatpacking plant, right up your alley.
Thanks, Rita, but my tempting days are behind me.
As a matter of fact, I am doing very well for myself.
So, Mr.
Fast Track, what do you want? -I wanna see some files.
-Files are private.
Well, in that case maybe this will help persuade you.
Forget about the files.
Just tell me this, who did you send to Gibson and O'Rourke in September? Who said I sent anybody? Here.
Take my lottery tickets.
Well, come on, these could be worth $38 million.
I'll take them.
You're Chip? I don't remember you.
- 'm the new guy.
-You worked at Gibson-O'Rourke? They brought me in to straighten out the company.
Of course my eyesight is not what it used to be.
And my handwriting is a little hard to read but up here, a steel trap.
Well, Chip you don't mind if I call you Chip? Chip, I'm a detective.
I used to be a detective.
Well was there anything unusual about Gibson-O'Rourke? Anything you can remember.
Of course I remember.
I'm not senile.
Anything about the business, Chip? They were cooking the books.
Cooking the books.
They were always a couple of beats short on my abacus.
But the way I figure, it was the guy-- -The .
-That's it.
-The one who cooked the books.
He put a debit here, a credit there.
Mostly debits but-- Steel trap.
-You betcha.
-Chip, you've been very, very helpful.
Not guilty.
-Anybody want coffee? -Let me at her.
Sit down, calm down.
I can't take it any more.
Being held hostage here by this Iinthead.
Sticks and stones may break my bones.
Everybody just sit down.
We'll discuss this rationally.
You're standing up for what you believe in, and that's good.
-Don't let them bully you around.
-Thank you.
But you just can't let someone get away with murder.
I know that you don't think that he did it.
But what if you're wrong.
You'd ruin someone's life on a "what if.
" What's wrong with you people? You just wanna get this over with, don't you? So you can get on with your lives.
But this, what we're doing here is maybe the most important thing we've ever been asked to do in our lives.
-Oh, be quiet.
You be quiet.
We're no different than that man.
He has friends, family, pets, just like we do.
So maybe he killed someone.
But there's the teeniest, weeniest maybe he didn't.
We live in the only country in the world where a person is innocent until proven guilty.
Except Canada and most of Europe and Samoa.
Maybe Australia.
I don't know.
But the thing is we can make a difference.
We are the people.
And I for one am gonna live up to that responsibility.
I have to go to the bathroom.
-Don't scream.
-How'd you get in here? Doesn't matter about that.
-But this is the ladies' room.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We have to talk.
We talked last night and we weren't supposed to then.
Agnes, I've done some investigating.
I went to Gibson's office.
And I uncovered something I think you're gonna wanna hear.
I'm not listening to this.
A Temp for All Seasons.
The place you used to work? Gibson hired one of their accountants to cook the books.
He fixed them.
-Changed red ink to black.
-But why? Someone was stealing money from the company.
That somebody was Mr.
He was a crook, Agnes.
He stole money from the company.
O'Rourke found out about it and he iced her.
It wasn't about love Agnes, it was about greed.
Here, let me give you a hand with that.
Guess who decided to make an appearance.
Fresh from his walk on the wild side.
Very nice of you to grace this family with your presence.
I'm sorry I had to leave the party a little early last night.
This mistress is more important than your own flesh and blood.
-Can't you stay an extra day or two? -Cheque.
You could meet her, get to know her.
Some of us have jobs to go back to.
Some of us have to work for a living.
-Cash or charge? -Oh, no, I got this.
-I got it.
-I've got it.
This is my hometown.
it's my turf, it's my tab.
-it's the least I can do.
-The least you can do is shave.
Least you can do is get a haircut.
The least you can do is settle down with a decent woman and start a family.
-Agnes is a decent girl.
-Where did I go wrong, Sparky, huh? Look, Dad.
I know that you had my whole life mapped out for me.
I guess I screwed everything up because I wanted something different for myself.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, your credit card's over its limit.
-Can you cash a third-party cheque? -Guess we'll have to, won't we? You don't approve of the choices I've made.
I understand that.
I just hope that someday I can make you proud that I made them.
And if it's any consolation at all just know this.
I am doing something that makes me terribly happy.
Why shouldn't you be happy? You have no responsibility, a phoney-baloney job.
-Shilly-shallying along with a mistress.
-Dad, for the last time she is not my mistress.
She's my girlfriend.
She has a job.
She runs our office.
Look, she signs the cheques.
The Hollywood bachelor pad, the fancy clothes.
It all makes sense now.
My son, the gigolo.
She writes the cheques for all of us.
That's what an office manager does.
They have power of attorney.
They can write cheques for anything they want.
Son, you'll never solve your problems by running away from them.
Foreman, have you reached a verdict? -We have, Your Honour.
-Will the defendant please rise.
We, the jury, find the defendant John Gibson.
Not guilty.
-You, sir, are about to be a free man.
-Who the hell are you? Your Honour, it doesn't matter who I am.
Suffice to say I'm a friend of this court.
Order, order.
Get this man out of my courtroom.
Disraeli once said that justice is merely truth in action.
But it is truth that is missing here.
However, I have found the truth.
This man, John Gibson, is an innocent man.
Framed by the real murderer.
Your Honour, take a look at those papers on the floor.
Accounting Iedgers.
Between those columns and numbers lies the real story.
A sordid tale of murder and deception.
The money was not stolen by that man but by someone else.
When Kathleen O'Rourke discovered losses totalling over a million dollars and confronted that someone.
She was murdered for her trouble.
But I know who that someone is.
Does the name Rainer Intermarketing ring a bell? -No.
-No? Isn't this your signature on these cheques? Yes, but I never knew what they were for.
Neither did anyone else did they? Because this company doesn't exist.
-Does it? -You? You're the one? I was sure Kathleen was taking the money.
A rather handfisted job of misappropriation, Mr.
And one which surely would have been discovered sooner had you not attempted to cover up the debits with phoney credits in the mistaken belief that you were protecting Kathleen O'Rourke.
The woman you loved.
The woman you murdered.
That wasn't love, it was a sickness.
Fifteen years of arguing back and forth.
Bicker banter, picking and poking.
They were making each other crazy.
They were making me crazy.
I deserved every penny I took.
Do you know how much a Beverly Hills psychiatrist charges? Yes, I killed her.
I should have killed him too.
Put them both out of their misery.
I rest my case.
Bailiff, take this woman into custody.
-Don't say mistrial.
In light of what we've just heard.
I see no alternative.
-But to declare-- -You can't.
-A mistrial.
Defendant is released on his own recognizance.
Your Honour in closing I would like to share with this court one of Pliny the Elders more eloquent musings on the rule of law.
Get him out of my courtroom.
Who was that nitwit? That nitwit is my guy.
-Burt, slow down.
-I can't.
We've got to catch them.
It will be very tight, but there's still a chance I can salvage my reputation.
You should be proud of what you did.
If your family doesn't appreciate, that's their problem.
That's easy for you to say, it's not your family.
Herbie, Herbie.
-Herbert, do we know those people? -Herbie.
This is her.
This is Agnes.
-How are you? -Hi.
-That's Aunt Lenora and Uncle Sal.
How do you do? -I've heard so much about you.
-I heard a lot about you too.
Hey, listen, you missed one hell of a party.
You get Herbie to bring you to New York real soon.
And I'll put some meat on those bones.
-Poor girl.
Thank you.
I think.
Where's Dad and Hanna? He's already at the airport.
You better step on it.
You're gonna miss him.
-Well, they seem nice.
-Yeah, they're all right.
But that man is a viper.
I'm gonna get you for this, Burt.
I'm gonna get you.
Flight 795 .
-Flight 7951 .
-There she is.
Hanna, wait.
Henna, allow me to present to you Agnes Di Pesto.
My beloved, my raison d'├ętre.
She wants you to get up.
You're embarrassing her.
-I didn't know you spoke Italian.
-You never asked me.
Tell her that I wish she could stay longer.
She doesn't think you need an old lady around.
I just wish she could spend more time with you.
I know that she'd like you.
And you're not old.
She is.
And do you like me? I love her.
-Who cares what anyone else thinks.
-I'm afraid Dad wouldn't agree.
Your old man is just as afraid of letting you down as you are in disappointing him.
Maybe she's right.
You know it's not easy to be the son of a Viola.
I ought to know, once upon a time I was one myself.
Dad, this is Agnes Di Pesto.
Hey, I'm glad you inherited your father's excellent taste in women.
Attention please, this is the last call for flight 8711, nonstop for New York.
-That's us.
-Gonna miss your flight.
Viola, I know I only met you for a minute but I want you to know what an honour it is to meet the man who was responsible for making such a great guy.
You got her fooled, huh? -Take care of him for me, huh? -Done.
Well, hot shot.
No hug for the old man? -You think they liked me? -You kidding? You passed that part of the test with flying colours.
What do you mean, there's more? There is my mother's side of the family.