Moonshine (2021) s03e06 Episode Script

Hold Me Closer Tiny Cancer

NORA: Previously on Moonshine
- Hello?
- RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Nora.
This is Dr. Wicket's office.
Best keep the enemy close Mmm
WES: My father wants to
hold a beat on the press.
Things are always shifting with him.
- Things?
- Yeah.
Totally cool. I-I I love to shift!
Got low energy?
Have I got the thing for you:
Manthusium's best-selling
for all your manly needs!
ANI: The scramasax
isn't a viking relic.
It's a replica from the 1870s
that fooled my naked eye.
WES: My father wants more nature.
He's bulldozing the Moonshine.
LIDIA: I'm just as shocked as you are!
Lidia (V.O.): The upkeep
of an old family home
takes a shit-ton of work.
Sure, they're full of character,
but east coast charm
doesn't come cheap.
To keep the old pile standing,
cracks need to be spackled,
paint applied,
chronic leaks fixed
I would not have procreated if
I knew I was gonna piss myself
every time I sneezed!
LIDIA: And electrical rewired.
LIDIA: But no matter how
much routine maintenance we do,
the structure won't survive
without one crucial element
a solid foundation.
You're the living embodiment
of a shit pile, you traitor!
You said you weren't
gonna add any more shit
LIDIA: Without that, well,
even the mighty will fall, bitches!
[SIGHS] Kill me
This is my life, my life
this is my life, this is my life ♪
this is my life, my life
What happened
to our artistic partnership?
Building a sustainable
biophilic design,
protecting the nature
and the community
that you were building upon?
And by community, I mean us!
My family, who wants
me dead, by the way.
You will be protected
if you take the money.
Do you know how hard it was
for me to convince my dad
to throw you guys a bone?
It's not about the money for us,
Wes, it's about heart,
family legacy, honour!
Huh, a different tune than
when you brokered your fee.
- I want my designs back.
- Wesworld owns them now.
This isn't a game that
you can win, Lidia.
My father is ruthless.
Trust me.


Whoa, God!
Gross, why are you
still asleep at noon?
I should be the one
still asleep at noon.
I'm due for my daily
dose of avoiding life
and this couch is where I do it.
Are those my Jean shorts?
I was here first,
and I'm seriously depressed.
Oh, hell no,
this is way above my pay grade.
Get up, shorty, come on.
Yeah, what for? The world's a mess.
Climate change isn't going anywhere.
A woman doesn't even have
the rights to her own body!
Why is your fridge always so empty?
I can't live off
cocktail olives forever!
I'm so hungry!
So are you not, um [CLEARS THROAT]
you're not gonna get off my couch?
Rhian said you have a
family meeting at 10 anyway.
Attendance is mandatory.

RHIAN: What was the point
of boinking the enemy
if you couldn't even save our home?
It was a summer fling,
not a bank transaction.
If only someone had
shut down Lidia sooner.
I'm a DJ, not a therapist.
If Ryan hadn't had
his head up his buttcrack
with his weird
toxic masculinity cult
RYAN: Okay, wow,
there is nothing weird,
toxic, or cultish
about the true wisdom
and ultimate tenets of Manthusium!
What's with you today?
KEN: Hey, what about the buyout?
Two million dirty bucks
is no small chunk of change.
It could set you kids up.
Sure, two mill now,
but after we subtract
what we owe in outstanding debts,
minus what we have to pay
in capital gains, ew,
and then there's
personal tax, income tax,
sales tax, and then
I gotta adjust for inflation,
and then I gotta divide it
by all five of the siblings,
and then there's Ken and Bea,
they count as one,
so that's six. Uh, it's more like
Hmm, yeah, $78,000 each.
We're rich!
I'm never gonna have to
work another day in my life!
Ha-ha! A-ha-ha!
Oh, seventy
You guys are holding
a family meeting without me?
What if it was only divided by five?
LIDIA: Okay, look.
I know this was a major screw-up
and a slice of the blame pie is mine.
Okay, maybe I baked the pie.
But we're family, right?
We're supposed to have
each other's backs.
We can get through this.


I could bedazzle
my Crystal Clean tanks
with, like, diamonds!
And I could work out in an actual gym
where the floor isn't
dirt and broken glass!
You know what, though, babe?
Free money might be
tempting to some people,
but we don't need
other people's money,
because we are nailing the biz game!
Look, you're closing in
on your 20% sales bonus.
I've got my baller new van.
Uh, can anyone spell
"unstoppable power couple"?
I guess I have some selling to do!
Oh, yeah, you do! [LAUGHS] Yeah!
Where is my baller new van?
Did somebody boost my frickin' van?
Did you mean what you said
about us taking the money, dad?
Are you strapped for cash?
No, I grow my own pot.
I brew 100 proof moonshine.
I got more free camper barbecue
than any man needs.
Well, you'll no longer be able
to steal food from the campers,
dad, 'cause there will be no campers!
Maybe I do need the money.
No, what we need is to fight.
Tell Wes he can take his money
and shove it up his trust fund.
Then we'll be without
the Moonshine and the money.
Not if we get our
historical designation
which we needed yesterday!
Jesus, are you trying to get me
and my breastfed twins stoned?
I just thought it might
help mellow your meltdown.
The, uh, scramasax
Is not a viking relic.
Ani was wrong.
How long have you known about this?
Time, uh, what is it, anyway?
A construct.
I didn't want to worry you.
We're dead.
That's it.
We're all dead.
Ehh, maybe not.
Not yet, anyway.
Uh, Ani's trying to
come up with a new plan.
I just don't know
if it'll be soon enough
to stop the effing Lonergans,
and I got a lot to think about.
Great. Thanks, dad.
- Jesus, Bea, where are you?
- Hello?

[DANIEL SIGHS] There you are!
I've been looking
all over for you, pal.
- What are you up to today?
- This.
Come on, hang out with your old man.
[IN A WHISPER] Are you upset with me?
Why would I be upset?
I mean, beating the woman who
gave birth to me with a sword
made from beer cans is
a perfectly normal thing to do.
She beat me first!
Okay, fine, I was a selfish,
overly emotional jerk,
but that doesn't mean
we can't go fishing.
Not talk to each other
like normal dysfunctional
father-son duos.
Have a sneaky beer or two.
I'm not asking.

LIDIA: The rest of the family
is pissed at me,
I get it, but you seem pissed,
too, which is weird.
You normally see
the good in your crazed
yet well-meaning older sis.
See, when we're not getting along,
you don't even know how to function.
I can function just fine.
It's just life's too short
to waste spiralling
and not smoking.
Or maybe that's why it's too short.
You know your daughter's
depressed, right?
- She won't get off my couch.
- Yeah, I know.
The fight with Daniel, the divorce.
My fault, too
pre-empting that blame spiral.
Nora, come on.
You're my best friend.
I need things with
you and me to be good.
Things are good.
You happy now?
And for the record, my current
shit mood isn't about you.
You ever thought of that?
Okay, then what's going on?
Please, for the love
of all things holy,
let me care about someone
other than my own shitty self
for five minutes.
Spill, or I will rip out your
fancy la eyelash extensions;
Don't think I can't tell.
Um, you know those stupid
fertility tests with Terry?
Oh, God, you can't have kids?
Oh, are you kidding?
That would be great news.
No, um, they found some
abnormality or some shit
in my lady junk.
Um, they can't get me in
for a biopsy for seven months.
So, it was fun while it lasted.
Seven months?
That's insane.
Welcome to Nova Scotia,
where people go to die.
And eat lobster, and then die.
- Did you tell Terry?
- No.
I don't want him or anyone
else knowing about this.
My messed-up cooch
is my problem, okay?
Let me do something to help.
Says the woman who turned help
into the original four-letter word.
Worry about your own life,
Lidia, okay?

Why am I here?
Because it's not healthy
for you to spend all day
wallowing on the couch.
Just following your lead, mom.
Or have you forgotten
you wallowed on the couch
all winter long, complete with
a police-issued ankle monitor?
I endeavour for you
to be a better version of me.
I also endeavour for me
to be a better version of me,
starting with this super fun,
mother-daughter outing!
To the doctor's office?
LIDIA: Oh, hi there
- What a beautiful name.
- Hmm!
I was just wondering if,
uh, perchance you had
a little wiggle room
in your schedule book
to, uh, fit in a potentially
life-saving biopsy
for my sister?
Does it look like we have wiggle room?
Um, did I mention
that these were made by
an artisan baker, trained in France.
It's against office policy
to accept gifts from patients.
Is the doctor in?
Um, just I would love a quick chat.
Doctor-patient confidentiality
prohibits us from
- discussing your sister's care.
- Right, right.
ELEANOR: The Canadian health
care system is publicly funded
yet the man still holds all the cards.
Fair? Hardly.
LIDIA: Hardly, right?
Yeah! I mean
You think you'd be
a little more helpful
considering our tax dollars
pay your salary.
Aren't you a Finley-Cullen?
RECEPTIONIST: Everyone knows
you don't pay your taxes.
ELEANOR: The doc is leaving!

Je ne pense pas.

CRYSTAL: So I thought
that my van was stolen,
but it turns out it was towed.
It was repossessed!
Because my cheque
for the down payment bounced!
You sure you had enough
money in your account?
Yeah! Nearly $2,000.
And my credit score is solid
and business is booming,
and it just
it doesn't make any sense.
You're so good at math.
Could you help me?
Well, I have been jonesing
for my forensic accounting days.
Crunching numbers,
bench-pressing balance sheets,
having actual adults to talk to.
Um, it looks like your
account has been compromised.
Funds taken out by a third party.
- Who?
- Identity theft knows no bounds.
They prey on the defenceless.
They find cracks in the system.
And then when you
least expect it pow!
But you know who they can't fool?
- Who?
- This guy.
And this guy!
And this guy right here!
Isn't that right?
Okay, look, I'm gonna get
your money and your van back,
or else my name isn't Oscar.
But wait, your name isn't Oscar,
it's Colin.
- A technicality.
- Okay.
Just leave it to me.
- Okay?
- Thank you!
You're welcome.
Say bye-bye, Auntie Cwystal!
Bye-bye, Auntie Cwystal!
- Okay, guys, we got work to do.
We are going to catch a criminal.
Yes, we are!
We are gonna catch a criminal.
Yes, we are!
Okay, Crystal,
let's see what's going on
Oh, no
Man, this song!
Reminds me of my old fraternity days.
Gettin' hit with a waffle iron
during the chorus.
I mean, those
Those were good times.
Delta Phi Or die!
FINN: Yeah, literally die,
because of brutal hazing rituals
and twisted macho-centric initiations.
No, being in a frat
is about making connections,
and lifelong friendships,
that, in turn,
will ensure you'll financially
dominate in the future!
Ooh, twisted and elitist!
Here's a fun fact.
Me and, uh, Dick Lonergan,
we used to sneak away on weekends
to go fishing in the Hamptons.
Yeah, we would compete to see
who could catch the biggest fish.
The loser had to buy
all the beers for the night.
That cheapskate,
he always bought domestic.
Oh, fascinating.
Oh, I got a bite!
I got a bite!
[STRAINING] Or It's a body!
Come on, baby!
JILL: Mmm!
Snacks for our game?
Ha, you shouldn't have.
Was that today?
I forgot.
How about our hot kiss?
You forget about that, too?
That was your hot kiss!
My lips just happened to be there.
Win-win, baby.
You lose the Moonshine,
you gain a new lover.
I want my old lover.
Bonus, we'll have some
serious piss-off money.
I mean, the Lonergans
are offering you more cash
than you ever pulled in
in this shithole.
What's Rhian gonna
do without this place?
She's a walking HR disaster!
And Ryan?
Who the hell else is gonna
house and feed that kid?
Yeah, I get it.
[CHUCKLES] Shocker.
I worry about Crystal, too.
Well, you know what
they say about parenting,
the first 40 years are the hardest.
Then there's Bea,
without a home to come back to.
You really think a broken-down
campground's the thing
that's gonna bring her back?
Seems like she's made her choice.
You don't have to be alone, Ken.

WES: What the hell is going on?
Whoa, get your
overpriced Jesus sandals
off my crime scene, baby warbucks.
This isn't a crime scene,
it's my build site.
Uh, not anymore it's not.

Where'd you get the skull, Rhian?
Skull? What skull?
Oh, relax, it's just leftover
décor from the pirates' wedding.
But by the time
the cops figure that out,
hopefully we'll have come up
with a more permanent solution
- to stop the build.
- No, hold up.
Wes is gonna be pissed.
He's for sure gonna think that
I had something to do with it.
Why do you care?
Also, confirmed: You did!
Thanks for the tools!
I-I I don't care,
I just don't want
to be involved, Rhian.
And PS, this is a huge
waste of Foxton PD's time,
not to mention an indictable offence.
Can you just stop overthinking
things for a hot second
and celebrate our devious victory?
At whose expense?
You want to stop the build
just as much as I do.
So it's time to decide, Sammy:
Are you a worrier
or are you a warrior?

ELEANOR: Still no action.
Is this poser surfing or napping?
LIDIA: Surfing, like revenge,
is all about patience.
Reading the waves and waiting
for just the right moment
to pounce.
Dr. Wicket doesn't know
what's coming for her.
Want me to swim out and talk to her?
I love Nora so much,
but I blow-dried my hair this morning.
It's not like it's life or death
we're talking about here.
It's so hot!
Oh, God
Does anybody have any water?
I'm burning up!
Oh my God, I feel dizzy.
I don't feel so good
We need a doctor!

Yes! Can you believe it?
Look at this baby!
I mean, it's just like
the kind Dick Lonergan and I
used to catch. Snap a pic, will ya?
What, of you holding a fish?
What, are you already
creating your dating profile?
Just take the damn picture.
Yeah? It's good?
- Yeah, great.
- Perfect! Yes!
I am gonna tag the old bastard
and remind him
that my frat buddy
owes me an imported IPA.
Is that why you asked me here?
To get Lonergan-worthy
material for your socials?
To reconnect with the Lonergans?
You're stealing the job
from mom, aren't you?
It's just a damn photo, calm down!
Should have realized you
didn't actually want to hang.
You're the dick.
RYAN: What, what?
OSCAR: Get in, come on.
Oscar, I've got stuff to do, man!
Are you insane?
Stealing Crystal's money to
buy eight cases of snake oil
sold by a guy who legit thinks
he's a honey badger?
How did you find out?
I looked up the business ID number
on Crystal's credit card account.
Still got it!
I was gonna pay her back
all the cash, with interest,
once I sold out of this stuff. Only
Do you know how hard
it is to convince people
to gargle bovine jizz?
What you did to Crystal,
it's a legit felony.
I bankrupted my soulmate!
I crushed her dreams!
you crushed her credit score.
I mean, yes, well, and her dreams.
But you can make it all right.
You just gotta go back to Manthusium,
return the product,
and get her money back.
You're right.
I'll just explain it to Adrian,
man-rilla to honey badger!
He'll get it! Ha, you're a genius!
Please don't do that again.
Mike, are you done over there?

DELLA: Interesting timing.
The Moonshine wants
to shut down this build,
and all of a sudden
there's a random skull?
This is Leblanc land.
Did you ask who they've killed lately?
[LAUGHS] Amazing.
Do the Finley-Cullens have to
commit murder in front of you?
How about you do your job
and let forensics do its thing?
They'll analyze the findings
and come up with
an objective analysis.
I'm gonna overlook the
reductive mansplaining, Terr,
but only because I heard about Nora.
My cousin works at the tanning
salon beside the medical clinic.
It's scary stuff.
Really makes you think, eh?
Send her my best, will ya?

DR. WICKET: Sit here.
So, dizziness,
confusion, you're hot
LIDIA: Oh, thank you!
You're not so bad yourself.
Way to rock a wetsuit, girl.
I meant that your body
is not able to cool itself down.
Those are signs of heat stroke.
When was the last time
you had a drink?
Well, I pretty much drink
every day but, like, red wine,
so that's healthy-ish, right?
Oh, you mean water?
Um, maybe you should
ask her name, mom.
Right, yes, your name?
So I can thank you with a gift.
Like a spa day, maybe?
That's not necessary.
It's Carol Wicket.
Hmm, Wicket?
Wicket, Wicket, Wicket. Huh.
So familiar.
Oh my God, of course!
Dr. Wicket!
My sister is one of your patients.
- Nora Finley-Cullen?
- Mm-hm.
And she's on, uh,
a waitlist for a biopsy.
Yeah, we're very backed up.
Yeah, that's sad.
Really, one minute
you're on a doctor's waitlist,
the next minute you're belly-up
and someone's spreading your
ashes on Kurt Cobain's grave.
Are you sure you can't
just squeeze her in?
I take care of the entire south shore.
Oh, come on, a little OT?
I get plenty of OT.
And yet, here you are surfing.
If you can call it that.
Easy to be so chill when it's
not your uterus in question.
- Excuse me, that's unacceptable.
- No, I'm so sorry.
I know, she's just a teenager.
Um, I totally understand
that you're swamped.
I'm a career woman as well.
I don't even have
time to hydrate! [LAUGHS]
But, see, I can't just hang ten
while the big C potentially
takes my sister down.
We will call you
when there's an opening.
In the meantime, I suggest you
tell Nora maybe to slow down
- a little bit.
- Whoa, excuse me?
Sorry, are you insinuating
that my sister's lifestyle
is to blame?
That she somehow deserves this?
Alright, you'll have to excuse me.
Oh my God, what is this?
LIDIA: What is that?
Aunt Rhian uses it
to tranquilize raccoons.
Don't point it at me, okay?
This isn't safe!
- Don't
- Ow, ow!
- LIDIA: Oh my God!
Ow, ow oh my God! Oh my God!
You shot me in the leg!
Eugh oh my God Oh my God
- Shit! Eleanor!
- I didn't mean to!
LIDIA: Shit, shit, shit! God! Shit!
- ELEANOR: Grab her legs!
- LIDIA: Shit! Oh, God!
LIDIA: Eleanor, that thing
was for rabid animals,
emergencies only.
The life and/or death
of your favourite sister
isn't an emergency?
know more specialists
I can't anymore
Uh, you're gonna be okay, Dr. Wicket!
I think Obviously not a doctor.
Irresponsible and reckless.
You can't just break the rules
every time you have
an issue with something, El.
That's not how the world works.
You've broken the rules
a million times
to get what you want. No judgement.
I know you gotta do what
you gotta do to fight the man.
Dr. Wicket is a woman.
Ugh, that's so sexist!
Oh my God, oh my God.
You know what? I'm done.
That's it.
You're going to college.
No no!
No, you said it was my decision!
Well, that was before you
proved you were incapable
of making good decisions.
You are out of control.
No, you said college
needs to chill the eff out,
that the best education was no
education, that you trusted me!
Oh, I changed my mind!
You're seriously bipolar, mom.
No wonder dad agreed to that divorce.
You're selfish, and crazy,
and I hate you!



RYAN: This is the Manthusium
OSCAR: Smart. Low overhead.
It's open.
OSCAR: Yeah uh, looks like
someone was living here,
emphasis on the "was."
That's Adrian's
alpha badger headdress!
I'm pretty sure that's a raccoon.
Adrian's a good guy.
I'm gonna call him,
he'll explain everything,
and then he'll transfer me the money.
What's behind your back, Oscar?
- Show me your hands.
- Ryan, come on, man.
- Show me your hands.

I've been popping
caffeine pills this whole time?
That's why I haven't
slept in two weeks
Manthusium is a scam.
That makes me the scam-ee!
Hey Hey!
It could have happened to anyone, Ry.
It didn't!
It happened to me!

Being a modern dude ain't easy.
I get it.
What am I gonna tell Crystal?
The truth.
Ryan, buddy
You don't need
bull jizz to be the bull!
Being vulnerable is the most
manly thing you can do.

LIDIA: Again, I am so sorry.
Uh, my daughter's
still trying to figure out
how to process her emotions.
You both need therapy.
If only we could find a doctor!
Listen, I-I
Understand you might
want to press charges,
but if you knew my sister,
you would care as much as I do.
Oh, I used to care.
I really did.
Until I moved to this town
in the middle of nowhere
with little to no support from
our broken health care system.
And honestly, I am
I am perpetually on-call.
Did you know that?
That I'm in this
constant anxiety loop,
so I actually appreciated that break!
I haven't had a sleep
that deep in years.
Wow. This is unexpected.
No one cares about Dr. Wicket! No!
I barely have time to take a piss.
Basically, at this point,
I consider bladder infections
my only hobby.
Well, that and not-surfing!
Okay, I only am surfing
because somebody told me
to do something for myself,
because everything else
that I do is for everyone else!
And to be honest?
Ooh, I hate most of
my patients so much!
It felt so good to say that.
It really felt really good.
You know, sometimes I just
wanna get on my surfboard
and catch a wave and get
the hell out of this place.
[SIGHS] Feel me?
Yeah, I do.
Sadly, I really do.
Run while you still can.
Duly noted.
But before I do, oh,
do you think you could
maybe squeeze in one last biopsy?
- For old time's sake?
You can even wear the wetsuit!
- Hello?
Doctor called, said there
was a last-minute opening.
If this is a surprise party,
I can think of a way
less creepy venue!
Although, up-side free drugs.
You must be Nora.
You gotta wear a wetsuit
to do this procedure?
Oh, God, why am I not surprised?
You think I planned this?
That I wanted to kidnap a doctor?
You kidnapped the doctor?!
Napped being the operative word.
Okay, not my finest moment,
but whatever.
You're getting your biopsy,
so instead of being mad at me,
I don't know,
maybe a little gratitude?
What do you want, a tattoo
of your smug face on my ass?
DR. WICKET: Okay, okay,
you both have three seconds
before I leave to mainline prosecco
and book my trip to Costa Rica,
so are we doing this or not?
- No!
- Yes.
We need to know if something's wrong.
Maybe I don't want to know.
Pants off, feet in stirrups, now.

WES: I know your family's
involved in whatever bullshit
is going down at the build site.
Or maybe it's some, I don't know,
what's that word you're
always throwing around, kismet?
Oh, you suck at lying.
Well, you suck at relationships.
It doesn't matter.
This may delay the build for a second,
but it's not gonna stop it, Sammy.
Just tell your family to
take the buy-out, please!
You know, I used to
envy people like you,
with money and privilege, but
I don't know.
Now I just
- Pity you.
- Huh, okay.
You have no idea what a real home is.
How much do you want?
Give me a number.
Not everything has a price, Wes.
You know, I misjudged you.
I thought you were different.
I thought you were
better than this place.
I don't give a shit what you think.
We're done.

Put your words into the fire ♪

watch them burn
your heart's desires ♪

rise up in the air

in a cloud of silk
and smoke and dust ♪

DR. WICKET: You can get dressed now.
Fade into the night ♪

DR. WICKET: I'll call you
with the results in a few days.
Cowabunga, doc.
You do know you're out of
your goddamned mind, right?
Your kid, too.
It's becoming abundantly clear.
But also
Thanks, I guess.

How you feeling?
Numb. Not in a good way.
You're gonna be fine, Nora.
But what if I'm not?
I keep
Trying to figure out what
I would do if I found out
that I was gonna
I know what you'd do.
Get my affairs in order?
If by affairs you mean
follow the truffle honey trail
all the way to your
hot biker's bed, then yeah!
God, you're probably right.
I would think about myself.
And my loins, because I'm a terrible,
selfish person
and an even worse mother.
Said without a trade of irony,
I would finally fly to Morocco.
Break into Keith Richards' pad,
screw the first hot guy I see
on his red velvet chaise.
Hopefully Keith's not in
at the time, but if he is,
what the hell? I'll screw him, too!
Now, Keith hasn't really
been hanging out there
since the '70s, so I'd have
to build a time machine.
Well, maybe not the time machine part.
No Terry?

LIDIA: Never know when
a bulk box of latex gloves
might come in handy.
Just when I thought
I couldn't get more concerned.
- Love you.
- Night.
Aah, a two-minute
voicemail from my boss.
That can't be good.
Yes, Nora?
My boss is saying the facts
of my podcast didn't check out.
They're saying my source
denied everything.
No, no, no, I didn't deny
It just I mean
I sounded so nuts when
they read it all back to me.
I may have massaged a few details.
They're pulling
the plug on my podcast.
They've terminated my contract.
I'm done.
Oh my God.
Nora, I'm so sorry.
But you have to understand,
I can't have all that out there.
My career is finally
getting back on track.
Well, so you thought
you'd blow up mine?
Oh my God. Seriously?
Terry's asking why I didn't
tell him about the test results.
This medical stuff
was supposed to be a secret
and the only person I told was you.
I swear to God, that wasn't me.
- Bullshit.
- Nora, I promise you.
Look, it may not
seem like it right now,
but I always have your back.
You don't have my back!
The only reason you did any of this
is to make yourself feel better
because everybody hates you.
That's not
you made my cancer scare about you!
I can't do this.
I can't deal with you, anymore.
I'm done!

CRYSTAL: Today I choose to be happy.
My mind is a tool I can use
to get through anything.
I have the capacity to do great things
and I am only as good as I think
- Babe?
Why didn't you come home last night?
My van was repoed
and my savings are gone
and I really needed you!
I know who took your money.
That's so good! You found him!
Now you can tear his nuts off
and keep them as a trophy!
Or or her nuts,
because, you know,
women can be jerks, too.
See my mom for details.
[GASPS] Oh my God, was it my mom?
Because she is still hounding me
to pay for those skating lessons
that she kept forgetting
to pick me up from
Crystal, stop.
It was me.
I'm the dickwad that took your money.
Ry, please.
Please don't tell me
that you stole my savings
to buy testicle pills
Manthusium promised
to triple my money!
They said that I'd be rich,
that we'd be rich!
And I'd get to be the man
that you always wanted.
You were scammed.
I got scammed.
By the love of my life.
I'm gonna pay you back, every penny.
More important, uh
I'm never gonna let
another dirtbag like me
take advantage of you ever again.
What does that even mean, Ry?
It means I thought
I finally found my thing,
but it turns out that thing
is to hold you back.
If you're holding me back,
it's because I'm letting
you hold me back, like
Like my favourite scrunchie.
Crystal, I keep screwing up!
And you keep forgiving me!

I'm bad for you.
I always have been.
Uh, have a beautiful, scam-free life,
and fly high,
like the bird, not the bong.

RHIAN: Big news, daddy-o.
I got some big news, too.
Your mom is coming home!
It's about frickin' time.
Talk about shirking
on her Grandma duties.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, what's your big news?
Oh, nothing,
just that I single-handedly
saved the Moonshine.
Oh? How did you manage that?
I planted your pirate skull
at the construction site.
You know the one
you kept in the rafters?
Oh, no, Rhian
And now the cops think
there's an unsolved murder.
It could take them months
to complete their investigation,
years even.
There is an unsolved murder.
That wasn't a fake
pirate skull, Rhian.
That was Jimmy.
No, dad.
We burned Jimmy's skeleton
in that filthy
Moroccan rug last summer.
I'd been talking to the old
bastard's corpse for so long
under the apple tree that
I couldn't bear to let him go.
I swapped his skull for a cantaloupe.

So the murder investigation
is a real murder.

And all roads
Are gonna point to your mom.

DANIEL: Apologize.
No way I'm apologizing to mom.
I think college is the
very least of your worries.
You could have
seriously hurt that doctor.
You could have been arrested, honey!
Mom was the one who dragged
me into this batshit plan
and I'm the one taking the fall?
You're right,
she deserves to be taken down.
If you ask me, she let you off easy.
Effective immediately,
you are grounded
for the rest of the summer!
How is that at all fair?
Oh, mom is not gonna agree to this.
- I know mom is not gonna agree!
- Mom!
- You know, she's probably
- Mom!
Okay, Eleanor, you're
welcome to ask your mother
Mom's gone.
What do you mean she's gone?
LIDIA: [VOICE] "Dear El and Finn,
"I'm sorry for not being
a proper role model
"you both could look up to.
"I don't want to be
a bad influence anymore,
"so I'm going away for a bit.
"You're both adults,
I know you'll be fine,
"but watch out for each other.
"I love you more than
all the stars in the sky.
This love is too much I am frozen ♪

and I don't know
if I have what it takes ♪

to be chosen

and I don't know
if I have what it takes ♪

to be chosen


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