Morgana Robinson's the Agency (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode Four
1 This programme contains some strong language This is Mann Management, one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.
Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars Vincent Mann.
What does it take to be a great agent? An eye for talent, a nose for money and an ear for bullshit.
In an unprecedented move, he has given our documentary crew unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.
Here, pay that for me.
- Parking fine? - I said to him, that is outrageous - hitting someone with a parking fine when they're at a funeral.
Oh, God, I didn't know you were at a funeral.
I wasn't, I was having me balls waxed, but I could have been.
I mean, that's the point.
Right, what have we got? Just give me a second to get that image out of my head.
No.
Still there.
So, Miranda's in with the police today.
Oh, what's she done? Has she gone and popped her boob out on The One Show again? No, she's with the police.
She's doing that documentary.
Right.
Megastar comedian Miranda Hart is determined to be taken more seriously.
With that in mind, she's taking part in a warts-and-all documentary following the Metropolitan Police.
But don't you need to wash at higher temperatures with non-bio? Oh, yeah, but it's either that or go with bio.
The enzymes play havoc with my dermatitis.
Er, guys, yawn-o-rama.
No-one told me I'd signed up to CSI: Persil.
Good joke, thank you, feel free to laugh.
OK, that's enough.
And back to me.
Look, this is what modern-day policing is, Miranda.
There's a lot of waiting about.
You know, we could quite easily go a whole shift without a single call.
'CI 12, come in, over.
' Awkward! CI 12 receiving, Sarge.
What's the problem? Over.
'We have a 1015 civil disturbance in progress on Belvedere Road.
'Can you attend? Over.
' Can we attend? I should cocoa.
Tell the little radio voice man that we are definato hot potahto, as in potato.
Haters gonna hate Potatoes gonna potate.
I've literally no idea where I'm going with this! Please put a sock in it.
Good idea.
In it, a sock has been put.
Yeah, 10-4, Sarge.
10-4, big buddy.
Sock is in mouth.
I repeat, sock is in mouth.
Over.
I'm doing that noise myself.
Oh, what japes! Catch 'em, Danno! Up the blues and twos, Smokey and the Bandit.
I'm going to commit a crime soon.
Five pounds in a week? Vinnie.
Speak.
Vinnie, mate.
It's the old Cotton-meister here.
Just had a totes blimming brilliant idea for a new show, - me old manager mate.
- Great, Fearne.
Let me just grab a pencil.
I firmly believe that this is the golden era of celebrity.
We will look back on these days like Hollywood looks back on the 1930s or fascists reminisce about the '40s.
Now is the age of "celeb face plus any idea equals potential TV hit".
Unfortunately, Fearne Cotton is the exception that proves the rule.
She literally believes that everything she does could be filmed and made into a show.
Found my pencil.
Shoot.
So, I was just Instagramming my belly butt-butt, and this literally just popped into the old Cotton-box.
Yummy Mummies Look At Their Tummies with Fearne Cotton.
That's 12 times one hour for ITVBe.
It just came to me, mate.
12hours? I mean, I'm good, but I'm not that good.
With an open door to Vincent's clients Lads? .
.
we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.
Oh, fuck it.
The worst thing about being famous? Constantly being asked where Mel is.
While I'm clearly stood beside her.
Sorry, did someone just say something? - Lolz.
- Of the mega variety.
The worst thing about being famous is the creeping self-doubt and the alienation that comes with a life in the spotlight.
No, I'm only having a bubble! The worst thing about being famous? Definitely all the trip hazards.
They're everywhere.
But thinking back, that's also the worst thing about not being famous.
It's being at an awards ceremony and queueing up for a Tom Tit, and without fail, there'll be some melt spraffing on about EastEnders, when all you want to do is lay a bit of cable and crack the fuck on.
Nightmare.
Literally no downsides, mate - to anything, ever.
Skills! I'd say the worst thing about fame is lazy pigeonholing.
Like, if someone was previously known for something else, like being crowned three times Shagger Of The Year by The Sun, it doesn't mean that that same person can't lead the nation to a new spiritual dawn, does it? Nothing.
Sorry.
I've got nothing.
Miranda's mission to be taken more seriously has just become a lot more serious.
You don't understand! No-one does.
Why don't you come down and explain? You can't help.
I've got nothing left.
I'm not coming down.
It's better for everyone if I Are you Mirandafrom Miranda? Oh, no, that's not me any more.
No, no, I'm doing serious stuff now, like this.
- Yeah, we've got this, thanks.
- Yeah, step away, please, Miranda.
No.
I want to talk to her.
Awkward! For you, that is.
Well, come on, then! Let's have a little what I call tete-a-tete, which is French for chinwag.
I've got nothing left to live for, Miranda.
I've lost everything.
Well, where did you last have it? Have you checked down the back of the sofa? Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother.
Why aren't you doing the show any more? Because I'm very serious these days.
I'm doing a very serious documentary about the police force and how serious it is.
What, not even a Christmas special? Definitely not a Christmas special.
They're the worst.
Well, that's depressing.
All right, I suppose I could do some more if you like.
Really? Yeah! Why not? And I'd need to come up with some new ideas for the show, and because you're a fan, I'm sure you could help.
Well, now you've mentioned it, I've always wanted to be a writer.
That sounds like fun-times central.
Why don't you come on down? Leslie Crowther's The Price Is Right! I've literally no idea where I'm going with THIS! Awkward.
Get down Soap actor and hard man Danny Dyer has spent over £11,000 perfecting his shed.
Sweet as a nut, this.
I've got a kettle for a cup of Rosie, a fridge full of Wife-beater, and a little heater so I can be out here all year round.
And the Wi-Fi reaches from the house.
But according to Danny, the privacy of his shed is being challenged by some unwanted visitors.
So, I was in me man-shack having a snout, trying to get me loaf together, when I see this little geezer about the size of me thumb.
He comes bowling out of the undergrowth, a big grin on his boat.
He's all dolled up, yeah? Little green velvet whistle, frilly shirt, waistcoat, pointy hat, you know the type.
He's goneand then he was off.
Now, I could have handled it the once, but then he brought his mates back.
Call them what you like - pixies, elves, sprites, Smurfs, Borrowers, little mischievous folk of the forest - legends abound about these little nutters.
I wonder what's in that bag.
The forest folk have led me up the garden path, all round the pond and all through the stinging nettles.
I'm getting proper mugged off by geezers no bigger than a fun-sized Mars bar.
You think I'm losing it, but something has eaten all the birdseed off the bird table, yeah? What could have done that, eh? Vinnie.
Speak.
Vinnie, mate - quinoa balls.
What? I've literally just had this idea - Quinoa Balls with Fearne Cotton.
That's 25 eps on BBC Three.
Amazing.
Title, Amazeballs! It just came to me, mate.
Yeah, I'm not sure anyone wants to see that, Fearne.
I'm not sure you're right there, manager, mate.
I just stuck the old quinoa balls on Instagram - 12 million likes.
It might be my age, but I don't have the first clue what she's going on about.
Danny Dyer has spent the last hour and a half locked in his shed.
Like that, but without the belt.
His obsession with the elves is showing no sign of abating.
This was my little island of calm, and now it's under siege from a firm of trickster sprites who want to do my nut right in.
I feel like that geezer from Gulliver's Travels, whatever his name was.
In an attempt to secure some concrete proof, Danny heads outside.
If I get my hands on one of them, I don't know what I'll do - give it a dig and then send it on its way, or keep it in a matchbox and make it work, darning my socks.
I haven't had a chance to think it through.
There's one! On you come, son! Let's have it! Oh Oh, those trickster imps! Oh.
Did you get that? They are quick when they scarper.
He even done one of them.
I could hear him giggling, the little fiend.
Vinnie.
Speak.
Vincent, it's Miranda.
Don't suppose Game Of Thrones have got back, have they? Have you done it again? Yes, Vincent, I've done it again.
What this time? I pushed a man off a roof.
- You've done what? - It's OK, though.
The clever policeman put a blow-up mattress on the pavement, so no-one died this time.
I don't suppose you can Hang on.
Go on, Rachel.
Danny Dyer's got an elf problem.
What is it, his heart? I told him to slow down.
No, no.
He thinks he's seeing elves.
I told him to slow down! I'll call you back.
What now? Unbelievable.
Who is it? It's me, Vinnie.
Open up.
Blimey, Dan, you stink.
Come in quick.
Oi, what's all this about you seeing elves? Well, look at the evidence, Vin.
Look at this little snail shell.
Who's to say they're not using that as a jug, eh? And look at this twig - it looks like a little staff, don't it? Yeah, or it could just be a twig and a shell.
Oh, yeah? Well, how do you explain this, then? A little high-heeled shoe.
It's a Barbie shoe.
It's from your kids.
What's going on, Dan? Your wife's going spare.
You've been missing work.
Your neighbours have seen you taking a dump out there - I've had to keep that out of the papers! I just need another bit of evidence.
I am this close, Vin.
How long have you had that heater on? Oh, all the time.
I keep it proper toasty in here for me investigations.
This place is full of carbon monoxide.
Look at that.
The middle circle's turned black! Open the doors! Get out of here, quick! What? Huh? That causes hallucinations - it makes you very sick.
Oh, oh, you mean? Yeah, you've been poisoned with carbon monoxide.
You mean the elves have been coming in here, titting about with my heater? This is next level, Vin.
Look! On the bird table.
On your toes, Vin.
Come on, Vin! Rachel, clear Danny's diary.
He's got health problems.
No, HEALTH problems.
Who would play me in the film of my life? "Miranda: The Movie"? Yes, please! Easy, that.
Absolute powerhouse of an actor - a lot like Bette Midler, but much, much better than Bette Midler.
Letitia Dean - Sharon from EastEnders.
What, a film about Cheryl, who made it to superstardom from humble beginnings in the face of adversity? "Cheryl: The Movie"? The casting has already started.
Well, I would have to say Marlon Brando.
You know, someone with a big appetite! It would have to be someone pretty deep and fully spiritually evolved, so Gwen Stefani.
All the films I've done are basically the films of my life, bruv.
I've done Mad Man, Geezer, Bosh, Hooligan 1, "Have It, You Muppet" I would play the cha-racter of Mirandy-pants myself, obvs.
But as it's a movie, it would have to be much bigger and more serious than my sitcom Miranda, written by and starring me, Miranda, that I don't like to talk about.
.
.
Bosch 2, Bosch Another Day, Hooligan 2, Sawn-Off Psycho and Hooligan 3.
That's what my life is like.
In the movie, I'll probably have to have a sort of car chase and get my breasticles out.
Although not at the same time.
Air-bag overload! Good name for a film that, though - Air-Bag Overload.
I have literally no idea where I'm going with this, although I am going to write that down.
A big part of my job is giving my talent the confidence they need to go out there and be the best - the best actor, the best singer, or in Gregg Wallace's case, the best eater of pudding.
To help maintain confidence, some celebrities seek extra help.
For Gregg Wallace, this is a weekly meeting with a leading celebrity self-help guru - his brother, Guy Wallace.
So, how are you today, Gregg? Well, I have been feeling a little bit stressed out recently.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job! I love it! It is lovely! But I have been feeling a little bit under pressure to constantly like stuff or not like stuff, and I don't like it! What do you think would be the underlying cause of this stress? Are you worried that the public will find out you're essentially just a barrow boy who likes his food? No.
They know that already and they couldn't give a monkey's! Oh, well, maybe this anxiety has deeper roots.
Let's talk about your childhood.
Well, I did always think that I was in competition with you.
When we was growing up, you were smarter, more confident, happier.
The truth is, Gregg, we were both good kids growing up, but our mum and dad set out to discover which one of us had that something special, and in the end, there can only be one winner.
And the winner, in our parents' eyes, is .
.
me! - Oh.
- Right, that's it, time's up.
Very happy now! - Come on! - Come on! - Let's go! Time is up! - Come on! - Come On! At Mann Management, Vincent has some exciting news for his longest-standing client, Joanna Lumley.
PHONE RINGS Listen, Jo-Jo, a big job's come in for you.
Which is it - film, travelogue or Gurkha? No, better than that.
It's for the British Government.
Oh, they want me to be a spy - of course they do.
Game old Jo-Jo, taking photos with her fake lippy, strangling a man with her naked thighs.
Who else could they choose? No, the Government want you to be the face of public information films.
They say the man on the street trusts you, Jo.
Silly man on the street, but, oh, so handsome.
Tell them I'll do it.
Great.
Right.
Now, when are you free? Well, today, darling, today.
- What? - I was meant to be having lunch with Mick Jagger and Ian Botham, - but I got the wrong date.
- Oh, right.
It turns out barmy old Jo-Jo was looking in her diary from '83.
Great.
So, send the British Government round tout suite, Vincenzo.
Ciao, darling.
Ciao.
Ciao, sweetheart.
Oh, God.
I forgot mayonnaise.
EastEnders star Natalie Cassidy is feeling the strain of the work versus life equation.
Kat! Give us a hand, will you? The bag's bleeding split.
I've got me work cut right out at the moment, I can tell you.
Don't get me wrong.
I ain't complaining.
It's lovely to be back in the Square.
As a lesbian, I might add.
But I've still got a lot on here, what with Dad not being very well.
Dad, I'm back! Are you all right? I'm on me poker! 'He's into his third year on the sick, bless him.
' Reversed over a labrador in his lorry - traumatised.
Can't look a dog in the eye.
Won't even go out without his Beats by Dr Dre on in case he hears a yelp.
Oh, blimey, that's the pilau buggered.
I've got it all in now.
If you want something done properly I can't help you now, Nat, my nails are drying.
You can see that? Watch that - it's Dad's pilau.
You should clear that up, Nat.
Oh, thanks for your help - I'm not helping.
- Yeah, I know.
'I'm sure that Kat would like to get more involved.
' She can't help out much, though, what with her modelling.
I've got me modelling.
'Tough game, that modelling.
' Much tougher than the acting, so Kat tells me.
The last thing she done was that gym advert which was six years ago.
We have it framed.
That's her on the right, there - her elbow.
So, what are you getting dolled up for, anyway? Nothing.
Just normal.
Anyway, it's Jason's karaoke up the Prince tonight, ain't it? No, sis, it's my turn up Jason's karaoke.
I've been practising on my SingStar.
I've got 87% on my Buffalo Stance - the crowd were going nuts.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm off.
Me and Kelis are spray-tanning each other in her garage this afternoon.
Oh, you're double joking! Does that mean I'm taking Dad up the sick again? It's not all about you, Nats.
God.
Car keys.
Yeah.
Kelis's garage is only round the corner.
Dad's doctors is up past the big shops.
Oh, hello, friends.
This isn't just any public information film - this is a Joanna Lumley public information film.
It's being held in reserve should there be a national pandemic of an antibiotic-resistant killer flu, which, if you're watching this, there has been.
If someone you know dies, cover your mouth and nose, and drag the body outside, where you must bury it is as far from your dwelling as possible.
But please remember to mark the grave - perhaps with a wooden spoon that you've painted with your own design.
Chin up.
Stiff upper lip.
We're all in this together.
Oh, and I do have to say, anyone looting will be shot.
Are you taking me up the sick, then, or what? Yeah.
Here, watch that rice.
Is that my pilau? Yeah.
Sorry, Dad, I dropped it.
You want to try and be a bit more like your sister, Nat.
Kat never drops the rice.
No.
Well, you can't drop it if you're never holding it, can you? Oh, no.
It's right back here.
'Every trip out with Dad is a blimming nightmare 'since his accident.
'He won't even leave the house until I've done the dog check.
' Dad, it's all clear! Dad! It's all clear! All right? Come on, then.
Oh, blimey.
Dad! Dad, it's on the lead! 'It's the same every time.
' Kat takes the car somewhere, and we can't get nowhere cos of the bleeding dogs.
'He's all right, though, 'once he gets home and he's on his poker again.
' You're all right, ain't you, Dad? I'm on me poker! I just said that, didn't I? Vinnie.
Speak.
Vinnie, mate.
Fearne-atron.
Find a pencil.
Yeah, just give me a sec.
No, that's the name of the fricking show - Find A Pencil with Fearne Cotton.
You will never guess what I was doing.
Were you looking for a pencil, Fearne? That is why you earn the big bucks, manager, mate.
I'm thinking web series, lifestyle, a new upload every blimming day - the old Cottonmeister gives you daily tips on how to find a pencil.
It just came to me, mate.
- Well, that is - Hang on, Vince.
I haven't finished, mate.
#Where'sMyBlimmingPencil? There.
Finished.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot to wait for the hashtag.
Like I was saying, great idea, Fearne, but I'm not sure it's got mass appeal.
I'm going to stop you there, Vinnie, mate.
I've just put a Vine out - already had 28 million loops.
Amazing! Laters, Vineyard.
I've never felt older.
I'm really nervous.
Cocoa nips! You confused me, there, because you said action and I got my knickers in a twist.
The most famous person who's said they're a fan of mine? Cor, don't know.
Probably Nick Grimshaw.
Grimmy! He's like the most famous person on the planet right now, although he did say he was a fan of mine when he was working in a shoe shop in Camden.
Everyone's a fan of mine, though, innit, mate? Probably easier to think of someone who ain't.
Except it ain't, because everyone I've ever met, from Becks to Bill Clinton, worships the ground I walk on.
Mental, isn't it? The most famous person who says they're a fan of mine? I think it was Brad Pitt.
Yeah.
Brad Pitt.
# Hello It's me Yes, it's me.
Yes, it's me.
Blah, blah, blah.
Fucking hell, when do I get to go home? He called me on the telephone, actually, after he watched the first episode of Miranda.
Yeah.
He said that he hadn't been this turned on watching a sitcom since Mrs Brown's Boys.
He's not even a real lady, so hello-o.
The most famous person who's said they're a fan of mine? Definitely Brian Dowling from Big Brother 2.
It did my nut in when he came up to me in Club Aquarium in Basildon.
Elvis bloody Presley, darling.
He still sends me letters from his secret hideaway in Guatemala.
Oh, bugger.
I don't think I was meant to say that.
Will you take that out? Tough one, erm because we've got so many famous fans, but probably Sara Lee.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That woman really knows her way around a cake.
I'd go so far as to say she's a gateau superstar.
That was a bit Corny-etto, though, mate.
That doesn't work, does it, Mel? Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault? Only joking.
It's not one of those dreadful things.
Unfortunately, it's far worse.
This is a government information film, and if you are watching this, then there is an imminent, full-scale nuclear assault on Great Britain in less than ten minutes, and they've asked me to tell you in a smouldering, breathy, thinking man's crumpet kind of way, not to panic.
So, let us maintain that stiff upper lip and take a moment to reflect on Great Britain.
The dizzying confusion of Flying Ant Day, the endless conundrum of what saveloys were made of, penny sweets, tea towels, Andi Peters What was it all about, eh? Goodbye, Great Britain.
Oh, bugger.
At the Cassidy house, Natalie is ready for a rare night out at her local.
I'm just booking me Uber.
Oh, Aziz, three minutes.
All right, I'm off down the Prince to see Jason.
How many times, silly? It's my turn down the Prince.
No.
I checked the calendar.
It's definitely my turn.
I remember swapping.
I don't remember that.
I do.
Fair dos.
I suppose I could come down later.
- Once I've put Dad down, I could - Bye! Oh, well.
'Yeah.
I suppose it would have been nice to have a night out,' but, knowing me, I'd have had one Bacardi too many and woken up with a sore noggin, which is no good for learning my lesbian Sonia lines.
Anyway, I'm sure it'll be my turn next week down the karaoke at the Prince with Jason.
In the meantime, a bit more practice never hurt - see if I can get up to 90% on my SingStar.
Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry # Oh, yeah # DJ # Who-who-who-who-who # Who's that gigolo on the street # With his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet? # Hanging off the kerb Looking all disturbed # At the boys from home They all come running # They were making noise Manhandling toys # That's the girls from the block with the nasty curls # Wearing padded bras Sucking beers through straws Down their drawers Where did you get yours? # Gigolo # Huh, sucker? Gigolo # Gigolo Huh, sucker? Yeah! # Who's looking good today? # Who's looking good in every way? # No style rookie # You better watch # Don't mess with me # No moneyman can win my love # It's sweetness that I'm thinking of # No moneyman can win my love It's sweetness that I'm thinking of
Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars Vincent Mann.
What does it take to be a great agent? An eye for talent, a nose for money and an ear for bullshit.
In an unprecedented move, he has given our documentary crew unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.
Here, pay that for me.
- Parking fine? - I said to him, that is outrageous - hitting someone with a parking fine when they're at a funeral.
Oh, God, I didn't know you were at a funeral.
I wasn't, I was having me balls waxed, but I could have been.
I mean, that's the point.
Right, what have we got? Just give me a second to get that image out of my head.
No.
Still there.
So, Miranda's in with the police today.
Oh, what's she done? Has she gone and popped her boob out on The One Show again? No, she's with the police.
She's doing that documentary.
Right.
Megastar comedian Miranda Hart is determined to be taken more seriously.
With that in mind, she's taking part in a warts-and-all documentary following the Metropolitan Police.
But don't you need to wash at higher temperatures with non-bio? Oh, yeah, but it's either that or go with bio.
The enzymes play havoc with my dermatitis.
Er, guys, yawn-o-rama.
No-one told me I'd signed up to CSI: Persil.
Good joke, thank you, feel free to laugh.
OK, that's enough.
And back to me.
Look, this is what modern-day policing is, Miranda.
There's a lot of waiting about.
You know, we could quite easily go a whole shift without a single call.
'CI 12, come in, over.
' Awkward! CI 12 receiving, Sarge.
What's the problem? Over.
'We have a 1015 civil disturbance in progress on Belvedere Road.
'Can you attend? Over.
' Can we attend? I should cocoa.
Tell the little radio voice man that we are definato hot potahto, as in potato.
Haters gonna hate Potatoes gonna potate.
I've literally no idea where I'm going with this! Please put a sock in it.
Good idea.
In it, a sock has been put.
Yeah, 10-4, Sarge.
10-4, big buddy.
Sock is in mouth.
I repeat, sock is in mouth.
Over.
I'm doing that noise myself.
Oh, what japes! Catch 'em, Danno! Up the blues and twos, Smokey and the Bandit.
I'm going to commit a crime soon.
Five pounds in a week? Vinnie.
Speak.
Vinnie, mate.
It's the old Cotton-meister here.
Just had a totes blimming brilliant idea for a new show, - me old manager mate.
- Great, Fearne.
Let me just grab a pencil.
I firmly believe that this is the golden era of celebrity.
We will look back on these days like Hollywood looks back on the 1930s or fascists reminisce about the '40s.
Now is the age of "celeb face plus any idea equals potential TV hit".
Unfortunately, Fearne Cotton is the exception that proves the rule.
She literally believes that everything she does could be filmed and made into a show.
Found my pencil.
Shoot.
So, I was just Instagramming my belly butt-butt, and this literally just popped into the old Cotton-box.
Yummy Mummies Look At Their Tummies with Fearne Cotton.
That's 12 times one hour for ITVBe.
It just came to me, mate.
12hours? I mean, I'm good, but I'm not that good.
With an open door to Vincent's clients Lads? .
.
we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.
Oh, fuck it.
The worst thing about being famous? Constantly being asked where Mel is.
While I'm clearly stood beside her.
Sorry, did someone just say something? - Lolz.
- Of the mega variety.
The worst thing about being famous is the creeping self-doubt and the alienation that comes with a life in the spotlight.
No, I'm only having a bubble! The worst thing about being famous? Definitely all the trip hazards.
They're everywhere.
But thinking back, that's also the worst thing about not being famous.
It's being at an awards ceremony and queueing up for a Tom Tit, and without fail, there'll be some melt spraffing on about EastEnders, when all you want to do is lay a bit of cable and crack the fuck on.
Nightmare.
Literally no downsides, mate - to anything, ever.
Skills! I'd say the worst thing about fame is lazy pigeonholing.
Like, if someone was previously known for something else, like being crowned three times Shagger Of The Year by The Sun, it doesn't mean that that same person can't lead the nation to a new spiritual dawn, does it? Nothing.
Sorry.
I've got nothing.
Miranda's mission to be taken more seriously has just become a lot more serious.
You don't understand! No-one does.
Why don't you come down and explain? You can't help.
I've got nothing left.
I'm not coming down.
It's better for everyone if I Are you Mirandafrom Miranda? Oh, no, that's not me any more.
No, no, I'm doing serious stuff now, like this.
- Yeah, we've got this, thanks.
- Yeah, step away, please, Miranda.
No.
I want to talk to her.
Awkward! For you, that is.
Well, come on, then! Let's have a little what I call tete-a-tete, which is French for chinwag.
I've got nothing left to live for, Miranda.
I've lost everything.
Well, where did you last have it? Have you checked down the back of the sofa? Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother.
Why aren't you doing the show any more? Because I'm very serious these days.
I'm doing a very serious documentary about the police force and how serious it is.
What, not even a Christmas special? Definitely not a Christmas special.
They're the worst.
Well, that's depressing.
All right, I suppose I could do some more if you like.
Really? Yeah! Why not? And I'd need to come up with some new ideas for the show, and because you're a fan, I'm sure you could help.
Well, now you've mentioned it, I've always wanted to be a writer.
That sounds like fun-times central.
Why don't you come on down? Leslie Crowther's The Price Is Right! I've literally no idea where I'm going with THIS! Awkward.
Get down Soap actor and hard man Danny Dyer has spent over £11,000 perfecting his shed.
Sweet as a nut, this.
I've got a kettle for a cup of Rosie, a fridge full of Wife-beater, and a little heater so I can be out here all year round.
And the Wi-Fi reaches from the house.
But according to Danny, the privacy of his shed is being challenged by some unwanted visitors.
So, I was in me man-shack having a snout, trying to get me loaf together, when I see this little geezer about the size of me thumb.
He comes bowling out of the undergrowth, a big grin on his boat.
He's all dolled up, yeah? Little green velvet whistle, frilly shirt, waistcoat, pointy hat, you know the type.
He's goneand then he was off.
Now, I could have handled it the once, but then he brought his mates back.
Call them what you like - pixies, elves, sprites, Smurfs, Borrowers, little mischievous folk of the forest - legends abound about these little nutters.
I wonder what's in that bag.
The forest folk have led me up the garden path, all round the pond and all through the stinging nettles.
I'm getting proper mugged off by geezers no bigger than a fun-sized Mars bar.
You think I'm losing it, but something has eaten all the birdseed off the bird table, yeah? What could have done that, eh? Vinnie.
Speak.
Vinnie, mate - quinoa balls.
What? I've literally just had this idea - Quinoa Balls with Fearne Cotton.
That's 25 eps on BBC Three.
Amazing.
Title, Amazeballs! It just came to me, mate.
Yeah, I'm not sure anyone wants to see that, Fearne.
I'm not sure you're right there, manager, mate.
I just stuck the old quinoa balls on Instagram - 12 million likes.
It might be my age, but I don't have the first clue what she's going on about.
Danny Dyer has spent the last hour and a half locked in his shed.
Like that, but without the belt.
His obsession with the elves is showing no sign of abating.
This was my little island of calm, and now it's under siege from a firm of trickster sprites who want to do my nut right in.
I feel like that geezer from Gulliver's Travels, whatever his name was.
In an attempt to secure some concrete proof, Danny heads outside.
If I get my hands on one of them, I don't know what I'll do - give it a dig and then send it on its way, or keep it in a matchbox and make it work, darning my socks.
I haven't had a chance to think it through.
There's one! On you come, son! Let's have it! Oh Oh, those trickster imps! Oh.
Did you get that? They are quick when they scarper.
He even done one of them.
I could hear him giggling, the little fiend.
Vinnie.
Speak.
Vincent, it's Miranda.
Don't suppose Game Of Thrones have got back, have they? Have you done it again? Yes, Vincent, I've done it again.
What this time? I pushed a man off a roof.
- You've done what? - It's OK, though.
The clever policeman put a blow-up mattress on the pavement, so no-one died this time.
I don't suppose you can Hang on.
Go on, Rachel.
Danny Dyer's got an elf problem.
What is it, his heart? I told him to slow down.
No, no.
He thinks he's seeing elves.
I told him to slow down! I'll call you back.
What now? Unbelievable.
Who is it? It's me, Vinnie.
Open up.
Blimey, Dan, you stink.
Come in quick.
Oi, what's all this about you seeing elves? Well, look at the evidence, Vin.
Look at this little snail shell.
Who's to say they're not using that as a jug, eh? And look at this twig - it looks like a little staff, don't it? Yeah, or it could just be a twig and a shell.
Oh, yeah? Well, how do you explain this, then? A little high-heeled shoe.
It's a Barbie shoe.
It's from your kids.
What's going on, Dan? Your wife's going spare.
You've been missing work.
Your neighbours have seen you taking a dump out there - I've had to keep that out of the papers! I just need another bit of evidence.
I am this close, Vin.
How long have you had that heater on? Oh, all the time.
I keep it proper toasty in here for me investigations.
This place is full of carbon monoxide.
Look at that.
The middle circle's turned black! Open the doors! Get out of here, quick! What? Huh? That causes hallucinations - it makes you very sick.
Oh, oh, you mean? Yeah, you've been poisoned with carbon monoxide.
You mean the elves have been coming in here, titting about with my heater? This is next level, Vin.
Look! On the bird table.
On your toes, Vin.
Come on, Vin! Rachel, clear Danny's diary.
He's got health problems.
No, HEALTH problems.
Who would play me in the film of my life? "Miranda: The Movie"? Yes, please! Easy, that.
Absolute powerhouse of an actor - a lot like Bette Midler, but much, much better than Bette Midler.
Letitia Dean - Sharon from EastEnders.
What, a film about Cheryl, who made it to superstardom from humble beginnings in the face of adversity? "Cheryl: The Movie"? The casting has already started.
Well, I would have to say Marlon Brando.
You know, someone with a big appetite! It would have to be someone pretty deep and fully spiritually evolved, so Gwen Stefani.
All the films I've done are basically the films of my life, bruv.
I've done Mad Man, Geezer, Bosh, Hooligan 1, "Have It, You Muppet" I would play the cha-racter of Mirandy-pants myself, obvs.
But as it's a movie, it would have to be much bigger and more serious than my sitcom Miranda, written by and starring me, Miranda, that I don't like to talk about.
.
.
Bosch 2, Bosch Another Day, Hooligan 2, Sawn-Off Psycho and Hooligan 3.
That's what my life is like.
In the movie, I'll probably have to have a sort of car chase and get my breasticles out.
Although not at the same time.
Air-bag overload! Good name for a film that, though - Air-Bag Overload.
I have literally no idea where I'm going with this, although I am going to write that down.
A big part of my job is giving my talent the confidence they need to go out there and be the best - the best actor, the best singer, or in Gregg Wallace's case, the best eater of pudding.
To help maintain confidence, some celebrities seek extra help.
For Gregg Wallace, this is a weekly meeting with a leading celebrity self-help guru - his brother, Guy Wallace.
So, how are you today, Gregg? Well, I have been feeling a little bit stressed out recently.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job! I love it! It is lovely! But I have been feeling a little bit under pressure to constantly like stuff or not like stuff, and I don't like it! What do you think would be the underlying cause of this stress? Are you worried that the public will find out you're essentially just a barrow boy who likes his food? No.
They know that already and they couldn't give a monkey's! Oh, well, maybe this anxiety has deeper roots.
Let's talk about your childhood.
Well, I did always think that I was in competition with you.
When we was growing up, you were smarter, more confident, happier.
The truth is, Gregg, we were both good kids growing up, but our mum and dad set out to discover which one of us had that something special, and in the end, there can only be one winner.
And the winner, in our parents' eyes, is .
.
me! - Oh.
- Right, that's it, time's up.
Very happy now! - Come on! - Come on! - Let's go! Time is up! - Come on! - Come On! At Mann Management, Vincent has some exciting news for his longest-standing client, Joanna Lumley.
PHONE RINGS Listen, Jo-Jo, a big job's come in for you.
Which is it - film, travelogue or Gurkha? No, better than that.
It's for the British Government.
Oh, they want me to be a spy - of course they do.
Game old Jo-Jo, taking photos with her fake lippy, strangling a man with her naked thighs.
Who else could they choose? No, the Government want you to be the face of public information films.
They say the man on the street trusts you, Jo.
Silly man on the street, but, oh, so handsome.
Tell them I'll do it.
Great.
Right.
Now, when are you free? Well, today, darling, today.
- What? - I was meant to be having lunch with Mick Jagger and Ian Botham, - but I got the wrong date.
- Oh, right.
It turns out barmy old Jo-Jo was looking in her diary from '83.
Great.
So, send the British Government round tout suite, Vincenzo.
Ciao, darling.
Ciao.
Ciao, sweetheart.
Oh, God.
I forgot mayonnaise.
EastEnders star Natalie Cassidy is feeling the strain of the work versus life equation.
Kat! Give us a hand, will you? The bag's bleeding split.
I've got me work cut right out at the moment, I can tell you.
Don't get me wrong.
I ain't complaining.
It's lovely to be back in the Square.
As a lesbian, I might add.
But I've still got a lot on here, what with Dad not being very well.
Dad, I'm back! Are you all right? I'm on me poker! 'He's into his third year on the sick, bless him.
' Reversed over a labrador in his lorry - traumatised.
Can't look a dog in the eye.
Won't even go out without his Beats by Dr Dre on in case he hears a yelp.
Oh, blimey, that's the pilau buggered.
I've got it all in now.
If you want something done properly I can't help you now, Nat, my nails are drying.
You can see that? Watch that - it's Dad's pilau.
You should clear that up, Nat.
Oh, thanks for your help - I'm not helping.
- Yeah, I know.
'I'm sure that Kat would like to get more involved.
' She can't help out much, though, what with her modelling.
I've got me modelling.
'Tough game, that modelling.
' Much tougher than the acting, so Kat tells me.
The last thing she done was that gym advert which was six years ago.
We have it framed.
That's her on the right, there - her elbow.
So, what are you getting dolled up for, anyway? Nothing.
Just normal.
Anyway, it's Jason's karaoke up the Prince tonight, ain't it? No, sis, it's my turn up Jason's karaoke.
I've been practising on my SingStar.
I've got 87% on my Buffalo Stance - the crowd were going nuts.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm off.
Me and Kelis are spray-tanning each other in her garage this afternoon.
Oh, you're double joking! Does that mean I'm taking Dad up the sick again? It's not all about you, Nats.
God.
Car keys.
Yeah.
Kelis's garage is only round the corner.
Dad's doctors is up past the big shops.
Oh, hello, friends.
This isn't just any public information film - this is a Joanna Lumley public information film.
It's being held in reserve should there be a national pandemic of an antibiotic-resistant killer flu, which, if you're watching this, there has been.
If someone you know dies, cover your mouth and nose, and drag the body outside, where you must bury it is as far from your dwelling as possible.
But please remember to mark the grave - perhaps with a wooden spoon that you've painted with your own design.
Chin up.
Stiff upper lip.
We're all in this together.
Oh, and I do have to say, anyone looting will be shot.
Are you taking me up the sick, then, or what? Yeah.
Here, watch that rice.
Is that my pilau? Yeah.
Sorry, Dad, I dropped it.
You want to try and be a bit more like your sister, Nat.
Kat never drops the rice.
No.
Well, you can't drop it if you're never holding it, can you? Oh, no.
It's right back here.
'Every trip out with Dad is a blimming nightmare 'since his accident.
'He won't even leave the house until I've done the dog check.
' Dad, it's all clear! Dad! It's all clear! All right? Come on, then.
Oh, blimey.
Dad! Dad, it's on the lead! 'It's the same every time.
' Kat takes the car somewhere, and we can't get nowhere cos of the bleeding dogs.
'He's all right, though, 'once he gets home and he's on his poker again.
' You're all right, ain't you, Dad? I'm on me poker! I just said that, didn't I? Vinnie.
Speak.
Vinnie, mate.
Fearne-atron.
Find a pencil.
Yeah, just give me a sec.
No, that's the name of the fricking show - Find A Pencil with Fearne Cotton.
You will never guess what I was doing.
Were you looking for a pencil, Fearne? That is why you earn the big bucks, manager, mate.
I'm thinking web series, lifestyle, a new upload every blimming day - the old Cottonmeister gives you daily tips on how to find a pencil.
It just came to me, mate.
- Well, that is - Hang on, Vince.
I haven't finished, mate.
#Where'sMyBlimmingPencil? There.
Finished.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot to wait for the hashtag.
Like I was saying, great idea, Fearne, but I'm not sure it's got mass appeal.
I'm going to stop you there, Vinnie, mate.
I've just put a Vine out - already had 28 million loops.
Amazing! Laters, Vineyard.
I've never felt older.
I'm really nervous.
Cocoa nips! You confused me, there, because you said action and I got my knickers in a twist.
The most famous person who's said they're a fan of mine? Cor, don't know.
Probably Nick Grimshaw.
Grimmy! He's like the most famous person on the planet right now, although he did say he was a fan of mine when he was working in a shoe shop in Camden.
Everyone's a fan of mine, though, innit, mate? Probably easier to think of someone who ain't.
Except it ain't, because everyone I've ever met, from Becks to Bill Clinton, worships the ground I walk on.
Mental, isn't it? The most famous person who says they're a fan of mine? I think it was Brad Pitt.
Yeah.
Brad Pitt.
# Hello It's me Yes, it's me.
Yes, it's me.
Blah, blah, blah.
Fucking hell, when do I get to go home? He called me on the telephone, actually, after he watched the first episode of Miranda.
Yeah.
He said that he hadn't been this turned on watching a sitcom since Mrs Brown's Boys.
He's not even a real lady, so hello-o.
The most famous person who's said they're a fan of mine? Definitely Brian Dowling from Big Brother 2.
It did my nut in when he came up to me in Club Aquarium in Basildon.
Elvis bloody Presley, darling.
He still sends me letters from his secret hideaway in Guatemala.
Oh, bugger.
I don't think I was meant to say that.
Will you take that out? Tough one, erm because we've got so many famous fans, but probably Sara Lee.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That woman really knows her way around a cake.
I'd go so far as to say she's a gateau superstar.
That was a bit Corny-etto, though, mate.
That doesn't work, does it, Mel? Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault? Only joking.
It's not one of those dreadful things.
Unfortunately, it's far worse.
This is a government information film, and if you are watching this, then there is an imminent, full-scale nuclear assault on Great Britain in less than ten minutes, and they've asked me to tell you in a smouldering, breathy, thinking man's crumpet kind of way, not to panic.
So, let us maintain that stiff upper lip and take a moment to reflect on Great Britain.
The dizzying confusion of Flying Ant Day, the endless conundrum of what saveloys were made of, penny sweets, tea towels, Andi Peters What was it all about, eh? Goodbye, Great Britain.
Oh, bugger.
At the Cassidy house, Natalie is ready for a rare night out at her local.
I'm just booking me Uber.
Oh, Aziz, three minutes.
All right, I'm off down the Prince to see Jason.
How many times, silly? It's my turn down the Prince.
No.
I checked the calendar.
It's definitely my turn.
I remember swapping.
I don't remember that.
I do.
Fair dos.
I suppose I could come down later.
- Once I've put Dad down, I could - Bye! Oh, well.
'Yeah.
I suppose it would have been nice to have a night out,' but, knowing me, I'd have had one Bacardi too many and woken up with a sore noggin, which is no good for learning my lesbian Sonia lines.
Anyway, I'm sure it'll be my turn next week down the karaoke at the Prince with Jason.
In the meantime, a bit more practice never hurt - see if I can get up to 90% on my SingStar.
Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry # Oh, yeah # DJ # Who-who-who-who-who # Who's that gigolo on the street # With his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet? # Hanging off the kerb Looking all disturbed # At the boys from home They all come running # They were making noise Manhandling toys # That's the girls from the block with the nasty curls # Wearing padded bras Sucking beers through straws Down their drawers Where did you get yours? # Gigolo # Huh, sucker? Gigolo # Gigolo Huh, sucker? Yeah! # Who's looking good today? # Who's looking good in every way? # No style rookie # You better watch # Don't mess with me # No moneyman can win my love # It's sweetness that I'm thinking of # No moneyman can win my love It's sweetness that I'm thinking of