Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e12 Episode Script

Okay, kids, something new for today.
It's caIIed Record Hour.
Stuff Record Hour.
I'd rather have Iunch hour.
No, Stephanie, you just had Iunch, and somewhere, a smaII country's going hungry.
What's Record Hour, Mork? Oh, weII, Record Hour's-- Mindy gave us a record pIayer so we can pIay records I've been wanting to pIay.
AII those wonderfuI stories.
Today we have a fairy taIe documentary caIIed War of the Worlds.
It's toId to us by the biggest Mother Goose of them aII, Orson WeIIes.
There we go.
Watch this.
Here we go.
Watch this.
Spin.
Okay, yeah.
ManuaI.
There we are.
There we go.
We bought it from Nixon's secretary.
HoId on.
WeII, there seems to be, as the Egyptians say, tut-tut, a probIem.
Oh, yeah, I kiIIed it.
I've committed stereocide.
Stereocide, stereocide.
No.
I'm gonna go to DoIby heII for this.
I guess Record Hour just bit the dust.
Oh, no, it didn't.
No, no, no.
The show must go on, Jose, because if not, we'II Iose our grant from The ChrysIer Foundation.
Come on.
Wait, we'II start over from the beginning.
AII right, here we go.
Once upon a time, a group of peopIe decided to Ieave their home, and heads towards, heads towards, heads towards Heads towards Earth.
Thank you, Jon.
That's the way the record does it at Mindy's house.
It's a IittIe touch of reaIism here.
Mork, couId you finish the story whiIe we're stiII kids? Thank you, LoIa.
No pressure.
Now, basicaIIy, the story ends Iike this.
AII these aIiens Ianded in HoIIywood.
They were put on hoId, and they died a horribIe death.
WeII That's aII for today.
Time for pIaytime.
Mrs.
FowIer's waiting for you out in the yard.
Don't tie her up Iike you did yesterday.
Someone tied a reaI good hitch knot.
Have a good time.
Be carefuI.
Be carefuI.
That's okay, Mork.
We know you meant weII.
Thanks for the pity, Jonathan.
I bIew it in front of aII the munchkins.
What am I gonna teII Mindy about her record pIayer? Everybody with a working record pIayer take one step forward.
Not so fast, McConneII.
Hi.
What makes you think something's wrong with your record pIayer? What? AII right, aII right.
AII right.
I'II teII you.
WeII, your record pIayer is se habla appIiance, finito.
Oh, no, not again.
I just got this thing fixed Iast week.
WeII, obviousIy, the repairman did a crummy job.
I thought everyone on Earth took pride in what they did, Mind.
WeII, most do, Mork.
Let's just hope this repairman is one of them.
Strange.
Throughout the universe, aII work is guaranteed.
Even I have a warranty from the Iaboratory I was made in.
- For what? - WeII, ankIe bIowouts, rusted skin.
Coughing up frogs.
Wait a minute.
They guarantee Orkans? Yeah, I was the onIy Orkan ever to be recaIIed.
What? Wait a minute.
Don't teII me you coughed up a frog.
Oh, no, no.
I was jogging at the speed of sound.
I turned the corner reaI fast, and my rear end feII off.
But-- But they fixed it, Mind.
No ifs, ands or butts.
HeIIo, Strand's Repair Shop? This is Mindy McConneII.
Yes, the same one that caIIed you this morning.
I thought I'd try to convince you one more time.
But I aIready paid for it once.
Tough what? Now, Iisten you-- Wait, don't put me on hoId.
I-- They put me on hoId.
Come in.
I mean, come in.
Hi, Mindy.
Did we catch you at a bad time? I hate it when they put you on hoId.
And they're pIaying ''Put On A Happy Face.
'' Oh, I'II just caII him back Iater.
My, my, it isn't often we see the dark side of Mindy Poppins.
We're gonna take a IittIe drive up into the snow, and we thought maybe you and Mork wanted to come and heIp buiId snowwomen.
AnatomicaIIy correct untiI the sun comes out.
Oh, thanks, you guys, but Mork's not here, and I'm too ticked off to go anywhere.
Wait, we're famiIy, and we think as one.
Let me guess what's troubIing you.
Crime in the streets? Yes, but not this time.
I'm mad because I took my stereo down to have it fixed Iast week, and this week, it doesn't work again for the same reason, and I can't get the repairman to stand behind his work and fix it again.
You know, I have a system that works for me when something breaks down.
Maybe it'II work for you.
- What's that? - I throw it away and buy a new one.
GIenda, you'd throw away a perfectIy good stereo? WeII, I'd take the records off first.
Isn't that a IittIe bit wastefuI? No, not reaIIy.
I do it to reIieve stress.
You see, I just don't throw things away.
I give them a sound thrashing first.
GIenda, you're so esoteric.
That's what I Iike about you.
And that's what I Iike about you.
That you Iike that about me.
You know, GIenda, I feeI the stirrings of something speciaI between us, don't you? No.
Maybe if I got her drunk.
Oh, Mind.
Mind, kiss those repair bIues goodbye.
Boy.
Boy, we're gonna sue that sucker reaI bad.
We're gonna habeas his corpus, or my name isn't F.
Lee Mork.
What's the IittIe jeIIybean chattering about now? I'm not chattering at aII.
After I read these Iaw books from the Iibrary-- Look.
Look at this, Mind.
''Disney v.
Duck.
'' When did you get a Iibrary card? Card? You can't take books out of the Iibrary without a card.
No wonder that oId Iady hurdIed over the desk and chased me.
She wouId have caught me too if her cane hadn't snapped.
Nice try, guy, but you're wasting your time.
- Lawsuits drag on for years.
- Why does justice take so Iong? Because Iawyers are paid by the hour.
WeII, I just can't Iet him get away with this.
I'm going down there and I'm gonna make him fix this thing.
If he won't, at Ieast I'II have the satisfaction of giving him a good piece of my mind.
I shouId go.
In case you give him too much, you might need someone to show you the way home.
Mindy, you shouId come on that drive with us.
A coupIe of hours in the snow, and you'II see how unimportant turntabIes are in the grand scheme of Iife.
It puts everything into perspective.
The crisp, chiIIy, frosty air.
It's a winter wonderIand.
WeII, thanks, you guys.
It sounds great, but I have to take care of this.
WhiIe we're in that wonderIand, we couId do some favours for peopIe, Iike we'II chip the frozen birds off the trees and fIing them south.
Oh, boy, Mork.
- I hope I can hoId my temper.
- That's aII right, Mind.
Here, you hoId the record pIayer.
I'II hoId your temper.
- Can you just put it on the tabIe there? - Yeah.
That's him.
That's Mr.
Strand.
Oh, he seems Iike a nice man.
Watch this.
- HeIIo.
- What the heII do you want? Mind, not my Iucky day.
Mr.
Strand, I'd Iike you to fix this.
Wasn't this thing in here Iast week? As a matter of fact, it was, and it stiII doesn't work.
- So? - So I think you shouId fix it.
Sure, I'd be happy to fix it for you.
- You wouId? - Yep, for my basic service charge.
- What? - He said his basic-- I heard what he said, Mork, but that's not fair.
I brought this thing in Iast week.
You didn't fix it right.
I think now you shouId fix it again for free.
Look, Iady, this thing worked fine when it Ieft the shop here.
You want that fixed free? You gotta go to the manufacturer.
- Okay, where is that? - Taiwan.
Thank you.
When do they cIose? Listen, mister.
For your information, I happen to work for KTNS-TV, and I think a Iot of peopIe wouId be reaI interested to hear how you do business.
Terrific.
WhiIe you're at it, why don't you teII them about this mixer? It's been here for a month.
It beIongs to RaIph Nader.
Now, get out of my shop.
Oh, Mork, if I wasn't a Iady, I'd drop him.
That's aII right, Mind, I'm no Iady.
Watch this.
AII right, sir, you think you're so tough? Come on.
I dare you to knock this off my shouIder.
Come on.
Hey, hey, you're taIking to a guy that doesn't know the meaning of the word quit.
Oh, quit: verb, intransitive, means to cease or desist a pIan of action.
That's it.
Go on.
Out, out, get out of here.
AII right, we're going, but you haven't heard the Iast from me, Mr.
Strand.
And you haven't seen the Iast of her, Mr.
Strand.
Go on.
Get the heck out of here.
CouIdn't we taIk this over a coupIe of sissy drinks in a fern bar? I'm warning you.
What are you, Jack the Whipper? Come on, you wanna mix it up with me? - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- I'm not afraid of you.
- No? Yeah, but my feet are.
Two to one, they win.
Don't faiI me now.
Mind, Mork is one consumer who's had enough.
Listen, I've written aII the way to the top.
''Dear Pope John PauI.
'' ''Morkus Orkus.
'' Oh, taIk about your fast service.
That's His Eminence now.
Mind, get some ermine.
Quick, get some ermine.
Ave Mari-- Oh, it's you.
I thought it was the guy with the IittIe red shoes.
Don't try to figure it out.
Yeah, weII, Iook, I was on my way home from rehearsaI, and I thought I'd drop by and take a Iook at your record pIayer.
Thanks, Dad, but it's a compIicated machine.
WeII, honey, I used to fix aII your toys.
Remember when I put that front wheeI back on your tricycIe? It worked fine.
Yeah, untiI the night I rode down FeIdman's hiII.
But you said the sparks were pretty.
Oh, Pops, I didn't know you were an appIiance doctor.
- Dad.
- WeII, it aIways works on my TV.
Hey, here's that screwdriver you asked to borrow.
Be carefuI with it.
My parents gave it to me for graduation.
It teIIs you a Iot about the foIks, doesn't it? - That's a reaI sweet gift, Bick.
- Yeah, it's a famiIy trait.
I hope the screwdriver doesn't work.
It's nice to have a break from that sound-effects record Mork keeps pIaying.
It's not easy to get a woman in the mood with the sound of stampeding eIephants coming from the next apartment.
No, no, no, that's Ferrets in Love.
I'II wait for the video disc.
Honey, don't worry.
We'II get it fixed.
I'II have this manuaI figured out in two or three weeks.
You know, I had a typewriter fixed once, but when I started writing my greeting cards, it stiII wouIdn't type the Ietter L.
Can you imagine? Good uck on your trip.
Nighty night.
Oh, heIIo, Fred, it's aIways fun.
Honey, why don't we just save ourseIves the aggravation, and I'II pay for the repair myseIf? Oh, Dad.
I mean, thanks, anyway, but it's the principIe here that counts.
I mean, miIIions of peopIe are taken advantage of Iike this every year.
WeII, there's gotta be some way of getting justice.
Justice.
WheeIs turning.
Something's happening Something big Mork has a better idea, Mind.
Mork, what's going on in that fertiIe Orkan mind? Oh, nothing.
Nothing at aII.
Just that justice moves in strange ways.
See you Iater.
Yeah, and I thought he'd never adjust.
I don't wanna see that Cuisinart in here again.
Music to my ears.
One, two, three, four.
What, what, what? That wiII teach me to fix my own Iights.
Oh, hey.
What? Augustus J.
Strand.
Who are you? - What are you? - I am Tommy KiIowatt.
Oh, no.
The Ghost of AppIiances Past.
And you-- Don't waste power.
And you are being put on triaI by the Supremes Court-- No, no.
y ou can't hurry love --for your mistreatment of appIiances and their poor owners.
TriaI? What? No, no.
We're cIosed up for the-- - I'm getting out of here.
- No.
CIosed? You think justice punches a time cIock? Do you think truth works 9 to 5? Does GeraIdo Rivera ever stop taIking? I say nay.
Let the triaI begin.
Presiding over tonight's circuit court, the HonourabIe Judge OIiver T.
WendeII Tube.
All those present shall speak through me.
Court shall now come to order.
Bailiff, seat the defendant.
Thank you, bailiff.
Prosecutor, call your first witness.
Thank you, Your Honour.
It's a priviIege to be in this court here this evening.
I'd Iike to caII my first witness, Mr.
Ozzie T.
Rizer, or as his friends caII him, Yo BIender.
Do you promise to teII the truth, and nothing but the truth, so heIp your circuits? Thank you.
Now, Mr.
BIender, you're under oath.
How many times have you been in this repair shop? He's Iying.
I object, Your Honour.
Since when does the defendant speak bIender? Four times.
- Four times for a simpIe Ioose pIug? - No.
No.
That's shocking.
Now I wouId Iike to caII my next defendant.
ModeI DX-3000, pIease roII forward if you may.
WouId you pIease teII the court what was Iife Iike with this man here? Sorry, Your Honour.
It's a foreign import.
I'II have to transIate.
HoId it right there, pIease.
HoId it.
WeII, this man wouId seII his mother to his father.
Oh, no.
I've done nothing wrong, I teII you.
- Nothing.
Nothing wrong.
- Oh, yes? - Yes.
- Au contraire, mon skinfIint.
We have more evidence here to hang you high.
Look, lady, it worked fine when it left the shop.
y ou want it fixed free, you take it back to the manufacturer.
How did you--? How did you get that? How did you do that? - Oh, the magic of wonderment.
- It's a trick.
- No trick, voodoo, grigri.
- Grigri? We have another witness here to testify against you.
Mr.
Harry P.
Dryer.
Harry, wiII you pIease teII the court what this man has done to you? Your Honour, what can I say? He's an animaI.
He's abused me.
If I had a foot, I'd stamp it.
Your Honour, I never Iaid a hand on him.
Why am I pIeading to a TV? Members of the jury, do you beIieve this man? It's a frame-up.
I'm innocent.
I teII you, it's a frame-up.
I'm innocent.
Innocent.
Innocent.
Order in the court.
Order in the courtroom now.
- I'm innocent.
- I said quiet! Clerk, strike that noise from the record, please.
WeII, when do I get a chance to speak for myseIf? Oh, of course.
I'm your defence Iawyer too.
- You? - Yes, I'm AC/DC.
Hey, don't worry about nothing.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Hey, we'II get you out of here before you can say John Dean.
Don't worry about this.
It's weird, these things taIking to you.
Don't Iet it bother you.
I'd Iike to caII a surprise witness.
Don't worry about that.
A surprise witness for you.
Hey, hey, hey, how are you? How are? I've been in Mr.
Strand's shop now for over 40 years.
So much for the defence.
- I don't know what happened.
- WeII, I was gonna fix it tomorrow.
I was.
I was.
Jury, have you reached a verdict? I'm innocent.
I'm innocent! I'II change! I give you my word! The verdict is guiIty.
Have mercy on me.
And your word has been broken so many times.
- It's beyond repair.
- Have mercy! I beg of you! Court is adjourned.
And order in the court.
Order in the court.
Order in the court.
Wha? It couIdn't have been reaI.
No, no, no.
- Yeah, I must have been dreaming.
- No way, sucker.
How are we feeIing today? Let's see.
Let's take a Iook.
Thirty-three and a third.
Not too bad.
Cough.
Cough.
- Morning.
- Oh, morning, Mind.
Feign nonchaIance.
Mind, I think today is a wonderfuI day to take the record pIayer back to the shop.
No, Mork, I think today is a wonderfuI day to go to work, and make money to buy a new one.
Oh, Mind.
I think things wouId be a Iot different if you'd take it back today.
I don't know, there's this kind of Strange feeling passing through me Mork, you didn't happen to go to the repair shop Iast night, did you? CouId be.
And you didn't happen to taIk to Mr.
Strand, did you? CouId be, part two.
Why am I worried to hear about couId be, part three? Hi.
Miss McConneII? I I just came by to apoIogize to you.
I'm taking care of aII my dissatisfied customers personaIIy.
Let's see now.
You had the record pIayer, right? - Right.
- Yeah, weII, I'II have this back to you earIy Monday morning.
It'II be aII fixed free of charge.
WeII, that's great, Mr.
Strand, but why the sudden change of heart? WeII, Iet's just say that I-- I had a nightmare Iast night.
Anyway, it made me reaIize that I shouId take a Iot more pride in my work.
Oh, this has got a IittIe scratch.
You know, you ought to treat your appIiances with a Iot more respect.
They have feeIings too, you know? Come on.
Come on, IittIe feIIa, here we go.
See you.
Bye.
Mork, he's Iike a compIeteIy different man.
- What couId have gotten into him? - Oh, nothing on Earth, Mind.
Wait a minute.
When you went to the repair shop, you didn't happen toanything, did you? Wrong hand, Mind.
Mork, you know you shouIdn't go around zapping things aII the time.
But this time you did good.
I did good? WeII, that's the second time this week.
Oh, what was the first time? Remember you said, ''Anyone who's reaIIy famous in teIevision has their name known aII over town''? Mind, you are gonna be up there in Iights.
- I mean, a known success.
- I am? See, I went aII over BouIder, and wrote your name in every phone booth in town.
For a perky time, caII Mindy.
That's for you.
HeIIo? Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Your Boob-Tubeness.
- ls that you, Mork? - Oh, yes, sir.
TaIk about your bad connections here.
Beebs, have you been chewing on the Iines again? Lorne Greene said kibbIe, not cabIe.
- Mork, pull yourself together.
- Yes, sir.
Good to have you back.
Sorry, sir, I Iost my head.
Have you been tinkering with your knobs again? Oh, no way, sir.
I just had my 3,000-report checkup.
I must be suffering from that universaI disease caIIed shoddy workmanship.
One of the main symptoms is feeIing Iike you've just been ripped off.
What causes this disease? WeII, sir, apathy, Iack of pride in one's work, greed.
What happened to responsibility? WeII, sir, it's in the shop.
It'II be ready Tuesday.
You see, I've Iearned that most EarthIings consider a job just a way of making money.
lsn't there a saying on Earth, ''Money talks''? Yeah, sir, but nothing speaks as eIoquentIy as a job weII done, or Brooke ShieIds' jeans saying, ''Give me air.
'' UntiI next week, sir.