Motherland (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

Mother's Load

And we usually upload photos to the app at lunchtime, so you can see what he's up to.
- All right, see you.
- Yay! Not even a kiss goodbye.
Look at him.
Happy as a pig in shit.
Well, that's that, then.
Free at last.
Got my days back.
Woohoo! You can leave the buggy in the lean-to by the front gate.
Oh, it's fine, I'll take it with.
Stinks of Wotsits and vomit.
Honestly, it saves you having to go back for it at pick-up.
No, it's fine, I keep everything in the hood.
I've got my keys in there, antihistamines, usually a bit of toast.
- Look, let me put it in for - Get off my bloody buggy, OK? It's my buggy, so if I want to take this buggy back with me, that's what I'm going to do, because it's my buggy and I know what's best for it, all right? Come on, buggy.
- Yes, what? - Hiya, I just had a text from Evans Cycles saying they're delivering my new bike sometime between now and 7pm.
Can you sign for it? Paul, I am not a doorman.
I'm working from home.
Working.
I've just wasted the best part of the morning queuing at the effing Post Office trying to return those cycling shorts with the puffy bum that you didn't like.
Just sign for it, Julia? Just sign for it, Julia.
What are you doing, Paul? Oh, Ricky's punishing me because I didn't stretch probably yesterday.
Who's Ricky? Why aren't you at work?! I just nipped out of the office for an hour's triathlon training.
Don't worry, I'm going to work late tonight to make up for it.
Oh, that's brilliant! I'm so happy for you! Oh, hey, did you give any more thought to letting the cleaner go now you're going to be at home all the time? Yes, hi, I've left the door open.
It looks shut, but it's actually open.
It's just propped shut with a crock.
- You have to sign for it.
- Huh? - You have to sign for it.
- You can just forge my signature.
It's Julia, it's just Julia with a big God's sake.
- Yo? - Is that Ivy's mum? - No.
- I've got Ivy here.
She appears not to have her lunch.
She says she can't remember if she ate it on the way to school or left it in the car.
Yes, well, I'm at work.
I'm working so If I was a surgeon, would you call me in theatre? Are you a surgeon? I think you know full well that I'm not a surgeon, Mrs Lamb, I work in fast-moving luxury goods, FMLG.
Can she share your sandwich with you? I'm having a naked burrito.
Well, then can she? - No, she can't.
- Can I Deliveroo? Hello? - Yes? - Package for Paul Johnstone? - Yeah, no, just put it in the bin.
- What? - Just put it in the bin.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, I need you to sign for it.
Oi, Julia.
I'm no Zaha Hadid - but your chimney's looking a bit dodge.
- What? Oh, God! Oh, yeah.
OK, well, I'll just, um, shimmy up the drainpipe and have a little look at that.
Thank God I have a City & Guilds in chimneys.
- What's wrong with you? - No, it's just I I've got a lot of work to do and I've done nothing.
I have done nothing! No, not nothing, I've done everything but my work.
- Mother's load, mate.
- Huh? All the shit that we have to deal with that no other twat does.
It's full-time and it's unquantifiable.
- You've got to dump your mother's load.
- How How do I do that? Well, I flew my mother over from Guadeloupe so my mother's load is literally my mother's load.
No, I can't tempt my mother up from Leatherhead.
So, that's not going to That's not Well, then just don't make yourself available.
Get out the house, babe.
If you're not there then they can't ask you to do anything.
Yeah, where you parked? Seriously, though, sort that chimney out.
I can see it from my bog and it's messing with my OCD.
Yeah, I'm just around the corner.
So, how much do we need to raise for the goalposts? Well, what about the girls? What about their sporting needs? There was this terrific tampons ad on recently.
I don't know whether you saw it.
It was all about how girls can do anything boys can, including karate.
I thought that was a no-go on your periods because of the white trousers, but apparently not any more.
There's a girls football team now, Kevin, since the start of term.
Oh, right.
Sorry, I missed that.
New job's a bit all-consuming.
There's a queue of punters outside your shop, Amanda.
Looking for candle cages? - Oh, my God.
Anne, can you go check? - Yeah.
As if.
- What have I missed? - Fundraising for the new goalposts.
The kids have done their self-portraits and we're going to print them on tea towels - and sell them to ourselves.
- Course you are.
Right, so we need a volunteer to get them printed.
As a working mother, I obviously can't do it cos I've just launched my new venture, and as a working mother, it's impossible to be in three places at once.
Well, Charlie's at school and Max has just started nursery, so I'm definitely not doing it.
Julia, are you coming to join us? No, I'm not here.
Don't look at me.
I'm working.
I need to grab the table with the plug.
A flat white and the code for the Wi-Fi, please.
Yeah, it's Emilio Estevez, all one word, all lower case, apart from the Z which is a five, and all the I's are exclamation marks.
All right, so who's going to do the tea towel thing, then? Anyone? Guys? This is normally the thing I love doing, but it's a bit tricky now with the old nine-to-five.
Come on! Guys, I know, ask a busy person and all that, but I'm close to a nervous exhaustion breakdown.
OK? Anyone? Don't be a martyr, Kev.
You've got enough on your plate.
- Who's going to be a hero? - I guess I could do - Thanks, K-Dog.
It's fine, honestly.
I can scan the pictures at work.
- Kevin.
- Oh.
Oh! Look at them all.
- Oh, that one's a bit - He will definitely start killing cats soon.
Yeah, there was no-one there.
Yeah, I think it was a joke.
- I think Liz was pulling your leg.
- YOUR leg, Anne.
Oh, that's really sweet.
Johnny's coming over for Thursday night.
We laugh, we're like Taylor and Burton.
Bet we get bloody married again.
Right, I'm offskis -- interviewing an assistant today.
I just have no time any more.
First moment I stopped yesterday after breakfast was 1pm for lunch.
What did you have for lunch? And I have to fit in my PT sessions somehow.
I haven't had my roots done in weeks.
I'm literally going to seed here, people! - Oh, no, you look great.
- Yes.
- Gorgeous.
- Shut up.
- Thanks, girls.
Just God, no-one told me having it all would be so hard.
- Tell me about it.
- Only women can say that, Kevin.
You all right? What you doing? Um, yes, I just had to get out of the house, you know, mother's load.
I'm just trying to import my database from Outlook to Oh, that's brilliant, bye.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yes, what? Quick.
It's just I think men can struggle to have it all, too.
- Sorry, I haven't got time for this, Kevin.
- OK, sorry.
My bad.
So, a bit about Brand Amanda.
This may all look effortlessly thrown together but every aspect in the store has been curated by me.
And when you are in the store, you are an extension of me.
You No, you are a conduit .
.
to me.
Sorry, what are you doing? - Just Googling the word "conduit.
" - It just means when people see you, they should be getting the essence of me.
- So, like a younger you? - No, just a me.
Now, I think it's worth flagging up, I am a mumtrepreneur -- very much mum first, trepreneur second, so I'm not just a businesswoman, I'm also a successful co-partner and mother.
Sort of in - .
.
the SamCam mould.
- Or Kylie Jenner.
- Or SamCam.
Now, what I'm looking for is someone to do stuff like deal with customers, lock up shop and take the bins out.
So, an executive assistant.
- That sounds more like just an assistant.
- Rose .
.
don't put yourself down.
Fly high.
Now, do you have any questions? What perfume are you wearing? It smells amazing.
Thank you.
Uh I don't know, it's just me .
.
and two dabs of Tom Ford.
Do you know what? You are actually hired.
Hi, this is Nick from Shalamar PR.
Just checking you got my e-mail about the embargo being lifted on reporting the winners of the Festival of Light.
Brilliant! All right.
Right, bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Hi! You wouldn't mind watching the old laptop while I go for a quick number one, would you? No, not at all, but if it gets nicked, it's not my problem.
Bless you.
Oh, look at that, you work in PR! - I work in PR too! - Yes, I think I overheard that.
No, I'm more the, um.
FMLG side of things.
That's my metier, as it were.
Arts and culture.
- Nick from Shalamar PR.
- Julia Johnstone .
.
from Julia Johnstone PR.
Gosh! That's a weak handshake! All right, guys, it's two minutes to ten.
You know what that means.
Woo! Yes! Come on! Yeah! Hey, Kevin! Kevin! - And you, Yvonne! - Yes.
- Yes, sorry.
- Come on.
Let's go for it.
Woo! Come on! Woo! Yes! Give it all you've got! Yeah! Yeah! Everyone huddle! Right.
We're about to open, and I just want to say have a great day.
Um, did anyone see the? I left a stack of kiddie pics here.
They were just here.
This is my own fault, really.
I shouldn't have brought them to work.
They're my private pics.
I mean, they're not pics of my own kids Well, I mean, one of them is, but the rest are other people's kids.
I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for this.
I mean, she's a godsend.
It's kind of a big sister/little sister thing, you know? Or a mother/daughter kind of thing.
Well, she couldn't be my daughter, Anne, because I didn't get my periods till I was 16, so you do the math.
Could've had her when you were 24.
I couldn't have had her when I was 24, Anne, because I was doing the ski season in Val d'Isere when I was 24.
Just meant theoretically.
- Where did the day go? - Do you have an assistant, Meg? Yeah.
I've got three.
They're all bloody useless.
One of them was on the last series of Love Island, and we didn't realise until we saw her getting her tits sucked in a hot tub.
Sorry, h-h-how can you afford an assistant? I'd love an assistant.
Not even an assistant, just more sort of like a carer really -- just someone who'd come in, get me up, give me a yogurt, flush the toilet Oh, God, where's the baby?! Oh, no, sorry -- he's still at nursery.
Has anyone got a good contact for a chimney fixer? - Oh, do you mean a sweep or a roofer? - A roofer.
No, unfortunately I only have the number of a sweep.
Kathleen.
Do you want me to airdrop her contact details to you? No, no, I don't need a sweep, Anne.
Hi, Kevin.
Hi, Julia.
I'm a bit late.
Sorry I'm late.
I hate being late.
- Liz, you're never going to believe this.
- What? I've lost all the the tea towel portraits.
The kids' portraits.
They've gone.
All right, so what's the big deal? Just draw them again.
What, me draw them? I can't do that, Liz! That's forgery! For fuck's sake, Kev.
It's for a charity tea towel, not the Bank of England.
I said lights out.
Now.
Come on.
It's 7:45, guys.
Mum's trying to chill.
Jill? Jill, is it OK to use the hot water tap to do the pots or is that going to ruin your bath? Jill? Ji I'll leave them.
Thank you.
Yes.
- Hey, hon.
- Hi.
- Do you mind if we twosies? Oh, I'm really sorry, - there's only one plug socket and I got here first.
- I've got an adaptor.
I work in cafes all the time so I know all the tricks.
Right.
- Great.
- Bless you.
- Are you going to order something? - Yes.
I just I need to send an urgent e-mail and then I will be straight over to order a small coffee.
Yeah, it's just that we need these tables for people who are Leo, love .
.
she's going to order a small coffee when she's ready to order a small coffee.
He's so uptight, right? Oh, no way Do you want me to get that for you? Just say you're unavailable.
Would you mind? Thank you.
Hi, this is Julia Johnstone PR.
I'm sorry, she's not available at the moment.
All right.
Well, I'll pass on your message.
All right.
Thanks, Lucy.
You are an excellent fake PA.
Well, it's just something my friend Sandra and I used to do for each other when we first started.
Yeah.
Hey, you Maybe you and me could, um .
.
you know, do it for each other, or - Pass it here, babe.
- Thank you! Hi, this is Julia Johnstone PR.
Nick, speaking.
I'll just see if she's available.
- It's Rachel from Blossom.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, great.
Rachel? Hi.
Yes, my new PA.
Yeah.
He's great.
Sorry, could you just hold on a sec? Nick, would you mind getting me a coffee? Rachel.
Yeah.
Can you get me up to speed on that? Actually, sorry, hold on one sec.
Actually, could you get me a coffee? Rachel? Where's the kids' drawings? Oh! Oh, my God.
I just did aerial yoga.
Seriously, I need to measure myself -- I swear I've got taller.
- Rose, do you mind if I stretch? - No, that's fine.
Oh What? Rose, you are inked! What is it? Oh, it's by the same artist who did all of Wolf Alice's tats.
Oh, I love her him - It's a band.
- .
.
them.
I was thinking of getting one done myself, actually.
Just something that expresses me and my vibe.
A tiny little star tattoo on my inner wrist.
Then I thought, my God, I'm way too old for a tattoo! Don't let that stop you.
- Did you book my hair appointment, Rose? - 10am, all in the G-cal.
Already don't know what I'd do without you.
Hang on, it says It says it's with Lali.
Yeah.
Julio wasn't free.
Did you say it was for me? Um yeah.
OK.
Well, it's not going to work.
It has to be Julio.
Erm OK, I'll sort this.
But, next time, just make sure you say it's for me.
- I did say it was for you - Next time, say my name.
- I did.
- Amanda.
- Yeah, I said Amanda.
Yeah.
You just need to make sure they know exactly who it is for.
But anyway not a big deal.
Chalk it up to inexperience.
OK.
Where do you get your hair done? It always looks so great.
Oh, I just do it myself.
Rose, will you move your Bento box? It's just the salad's starting to smell a bit.
- Yeah, of course.
- Thank you.
Oh, thanks, mate, you're a life-saver.
It's all right.
I was going past one anyway.
Oh, God, have you ever had the Loyd Grossman puttanesca? It's delicious.
It just really tampers with your acids.
You know, I heard on QI that "putta" is Italian for whore, so puttanesca is "whore sauce.
" Whore sauce? I saw that in the West End with the original cast.
Oh, Nick, mate, did you manage to find that number for the - .
.
the chimney guy that you mentioned? - Oh, yeah.
Erm, yeah I've just got I'm just going to respond to my accountant.
OK.
Yeah.
No.
Do, do, do, do, do.
do.
That's That's me.
It's just a little reminder about the number for the builder.
But no rush.
It's cool.
You're not supposed to feed them bread.
Let them have a sodding pastry! Live a little.
Liz! Ow! What you doing?! Do the pictures on the packs mean nothing to you? You smell like kissing an ashtray! Just leave me alone.
I've got nothing to do.
Got nothing to do? How can you have nothing to do? How dare you have nothing to do?! I'd love to have nothing to do, but I've got to work, cook, clean the house, hang out the laundry, bake the soda bread, make myself look nice for Jill! Not that she bloody notices.
Why you baking your own bread, you bell-end? I've got to get back to work.
I was up till 3am the last two nights drawing all the portraits for the tea towels, and then I flipping left them at home.
I had to cycle back to the house in my lunch hour to get them! You didn't have to offer to help.
Yeah.
And you didn't have to NOT offer to help.
What? Do you know what, Liz? I can't talk about this.
I can't listen to someone moaning about having free time.
Just Just bloody grow up.
I miss my kids, Kev.
I really miss 'em.
And I don't want to be that person.
That's Anne.
That's lame.
I don't get it.
I've been counting down the hours till both my kids are in school and you know what I did with my first day as a free woman? I sat on the sofa and I stared at a black spot on the ceiling where Max fired his Nerf gun and left a mark.
Sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
Let's have a look at your drawings, then.
OK, quickly.
These are too good, Kev.
Thank you, Liz.
No, I mean, they're they're shit, but they're not shit enough.
Go to work, I'll sort this out.
Thanks, Liz.
Nick, hey, where are you? Oh, you're still at the house? I've spoken to Wojciech.
He says it's difficult to tell without getting up there and having a look, but it's probably a mortar issue.
So, er they can either repoint it or reline it.
OK.
Well, can you get me a quote for both of them and then I can have a look at it? Why don't you e-mail him directly? I've really got to get to Sorry, Nick, while you're there, would you mind just popping the bins inside the gate, just, um so the burglars don't think we're out, or whatever? Thank you so much.
Thank you so, so, so, so much.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Rose, don't put all the biscotti jars out at once, please.
One will do.
We're not TK Maxx.
Oh, my God! Ah! Life-saver! Julio can squeeze me in at two today.
Oh, that's perfect! Johnny's coming over tonight.
- Is that your boyfriend? - Er Well, husb It's complicated, but we're still seriously tight.
Um OK, er the car machine guy's coming to fix um the, um the thingy at five.
You OK to stay till then? I can't.
I actually have to leave on the dot tonight.
I'm volunteering at the food bank, so What? No, I don't think you understand.
Julio literally never has a cancellation and I really need to get this nightmare sorted.
- I don't know what you're pointing at.
- My roots.
Look at them.
I'd love to help, but I've got I can't believe this is happening! - It's just your hair.
- It's just my hair? Oh, my God! You literally have no idea what it takes to maintain this, do you? - Course not.
You are 26.
- I'm 23.
- I'm talking now.
I have to work out five days a week, I have to get my roots done bimonthly, I have to get these bleached, these waxed, these extended.
I am a fulltime project to myself, Rose, so just because I seem like I'm a cool boss and I've got an easy-going vibe doesn't mean you can let me down.
You should cut yourself some slack.
You're stressing yourself out over nothing.
I think you look great, Amanda.
You've got a killer bod and your skin's, like, amazing! Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
I hope I look half as good as you when I'm old.
Er er My colleague is joining me in a minute, sorry.
Just leave it! 100 portrait tea towels.
Oh, thank you so much for this, Liz.
No problem.
The printers was around the corner, anyway.
Aw! And this is for you.
You made me a cake?! I use my time to save your time and use that time to bake a bloody cake.
There's no helping some people.
These look great! Why's one of them Holly Willoughby? Something for the dads.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
My pleasure.
I almost enjoyed doing it.
Oh, well, we'll be gearing up for the class Christmas card soon, - if you want to get in on that.
- Oh, you're all right.
I just thought it might help keep you busy.
Fuck that, Kev.
I've had an epiphany! The kids are gone, every day until 3:30! I'm a free woman! Everything OK? No, everything's not OK.
- Sorry, what? - Where were you? - In the park.
- In the park.
What the hell were you doing in the park? I was having a picnic with my husband, if you must know.
Having a picnic? At least have the guts to lie, say you were at the osteopath or a funeral or something.
- I'm sorry, I - Nick, in case you hadn't noticed, we have got two businesses to run here.
Listen, hon, I'm always happy to help anyone, but .
.
like my husband says, you're really starting to take the piss.
I'm taking the piss? How? How am I taking the piss? How? How am I taking the piss? You are the one that's taking the piss.
You're the one that's turning up here four hours late for work.
Why? Because you're lolling around on a picnic blanket, shoving mini Scotch eggs down your throat.
Yeah, because I'm self-employed.
I can do what I want.
What's the point in having all the stress and insecurity of self-employment if you can't bunk off for a picnic on a sunny afternoon? I could literally go for a swim at the men's pond right now, if I wanted.
In fact, you know what, hon? I am going for a swim.
Unbelievable.
Guys! Daddy's here! I'll just be a sec! Hello, sweetie.
Hello.
- Coat's all done? Say goodbye to Mum.
- Bye! - Bye, Mummy! Love you! See you, Amanda.
Oh, hey.
Yo, yo! You look like Elton John.
Do you want a cocktail? Oh, yeah.
Lovely.
Load up.
Hey, mate.
You don't fancy, um .
.
an unpaid job as my PA, do you? No, you're all right.