Mount Pleasant (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
Oh, my God.
I'm really sorry that I - I'll get it all back.
Every pound.
Holly.
Where's my son? How much do you charge, darling? (LAUGHS) Candles, wine, fellatio.
Home made shepherd's pie and he'll love you forever.
I've seen it all now.
I do love him, you know.
You are brilliant.
And beautiful.
Hello, girls.
There were are.
Over there.
(SIGHS) Dan.
Dan.
Dan.
Yes? What's your favourite part of my body? Did you hear me? This is important.
I read an article yesterday and it said 20% of married men's favourite part of their wife's body is her personality.
Liars.
What? Bull shitters.
Go on then, what's your favourite part of my body? Your arse.
My arse? Yes, your arse, my princess.
Your arse is officially my favourite part of your body bar none.
End of.
Period.
Finito.
What about my face? Hmm? My face, marginally attractive set of features attached to the front of my head.
I know what your face is.
Well? Well, what? What do you think about it? It's lovely.
Lovely? Gorgeous.
It's not your favourite part of my body? No, sorry, your arse is.
Can we drop it? I can't believe you prefer my arse to my face.
Ask any fella what his favourite part of a woman's body is, he will say tits or arse.
Fact.
Get over it, will you? The men in the article didn't, they said personalities.
How do you explain that, eh? Easy.
Mingers, obviously.
Postman asked me to take it when you were out yesterday.
Thanks, Bianca.
Expecting anything nice? If it's from my Auntie Kath, it will be shit.
If it's from my mother, it will be useful and if it's from my brother, it will be expensive.
Brother.
To think there's more than one of you out there.
And random parcels, you must be special.
Not random, I'm not that special.
You bloody are.
It's my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
What have you got planned? Nothing to be honest.
Nothing? I've had a busy week.
I've got an idea.
I'm all ears.
Hot tub party.
Chez Bianca.
Ce soir.
Bring yourself, your trunks and a bottle of plonk.
Do you like hot tubs, Jack? Never given it much thought really.
Millions and trillions of tiny bubbles slowly creeping their way up your inner thigh.
Well, when you put it like that.
Nowt like it.
I'll supply the cocktails and sort out a few nibbles.
Do you like nibbles, Jack? Love them.
Shall we ask Lisa and Dan over? Good call.
And a few others whilst we're at it? Genius.
Might as well make it a gangbang, eh? (BOTH GIGGLE) (PHONE RINGS) Hi.
It's all sorted.
Crown Plaza, centre of town.
Give me an hour.
He's away.
I've told you, just trust me, baby.
It's all fine.
Hour tops, promise.
Maybe I could get a boob job.
What the fuck for? If my tits aren't your favourite You don't need a boob job.
They could be a bit perkier, like Jennifer Aniston's.
Her nipples, good God, have you seen them? Can't miss them.
Through her T-shirt.
I know.
She could take someone's eye out with one of them buggers.
Not even a bra on.
Do me a favour.
What? Shut the fuck up, you're giving me a lob on.
(GIGGLES) Get here.
Now.
What, now? Yes.
Now.
(PHONE RINGS) Who's that? Don't care, get in.
What if it's an emergency? That is an emergency.
It's Kate.
Go on, answer it.
Don't be tight.
Hello? Oh, Lisa.
Sorry.
Hi, Kate, you OK? Someone's broken into the caf.
They've knackered the locks.
I wanted to ask Dan if he would come and change them for me.
Of course he will.
He'll be there in 10 minutes.
Thank you so much, Lisa.
No worries.
You take care, love.
Bye.
Bye.
I wanted a lie-in.
Get over it, you wuss.
And a shag.
Think of it as your good deed for the day.
Doing your bit for society.
Charity.
Thanks, love.
Do you know, look at this.
You want to buy some butchers tripe.
It makes them fart for Britain but it builds them right up.
Thanks a lot.
Hiya.
What? I'm so sorry, Sue.
It's Barbara.
She was too weak.
They said it's her lungs.
Come here.
(PHONE BEEPS) < (CAR HORN) If my dad hears your car, he'll go Are you naked under that? (GIGGLES) You need to go.
I've been thinking about you.
Me? Yeah, you, gorgeous.
Last night, letting you down again.
I'm so sorry.
Do you really want to finish it? I can be a better boyfriend.
Boyfriend? Yeah, you know.
Got to make more of an effort.
You're leaving her? Whoa, steady on, tiger.
I mean, not right this moment, no, but soon.
For sure.
It's been on my mind.
It's not good, it's not gentlemanly.
Oh, Fergus.
I'll pick you up at the bus stop at one-ish.
Lunch.
Nice little French bistro in town.
Brilliant.
Let's have a peek.
I knew it.
Knew what? You are naked under that.
(SNORTS) Thanks so much for this, Dan.
No worries, any time, I've told you.
I'm not that hungry.
Go on.
I'll be offended.
Lovely.
Can I ask a favour of you? God, is that all I ever do, ask favours of you? No.
Honest, go on.
Like I've got nowt else to do but take advantage of a really nice guy.
Go on, honest, it's fine.
One second, wait there.
Hello? I'm dead horny.
Dan, it's half ten in the morning.
So, you shouldn't have left me dangling like that before.
I can think of more appropriate words.
I can't stop thinking about you.
Aw.
I'll pick you up at the gym.
What, now? Yeah, we can nip home.
Ten minutes.
I'm all sweaty.
Ooh, even better.
Do you like it? Er, yeah.
It's nice.
Really? Smashing.
Smashing? You know, lovely.
Lovely is good.
Sorry, I need to get a move on, Kate.
One sec.
Please, Dan, give me one more sec.
Well, hello.
You look mint.
Don't look too bad yourself.
I've booked us in under the name of Mr and Mrs Smith.
Obvious or what? Come on.
Which one? Sorry, Kate, I really need to go, I'm late.
I'm going to a christening next Sunday.
It's really hard sometimes being on my own.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to sound rude.
No-one to ask which dress looks the nicest.
I miss him so much, you know.
The green one.
Yeah? Yeah.
It really suits you.
Thanks, Dan.
(CAR HORN) (CAR HORN) What do you think you're doing? Get back in the car, love.
I don't think so, Barry.
She will travel where she always travels.
On my knee in the front.
Nothing has changed.
Has it, treasure? Ignore her.
Lisa! Do you want this shag or what? Hey, you two.
Guess what I've got.
Morning, Bianca.
Go on, guess what I've got.
Syphilis? A hot tub.
Lovely.
Will you come and have a little fiddle with it for me, the pressure needs adjusting.
I'd ask Jim but his finger seize up when he's got to delve about into anything delicate.
(GIGGLES) Hello.
Hiya.
Hiya.
He here is, birthday boy.
Birthday? Happy birthday, mate.
Cheers.
Happy birthday, are you doing anything nice? That's where I come in.
Party at mine tonight.
In honour of our lovely new neighbour and his 21st birthday celebrations.
Any excuse, eh? Charmer.
We'd love you both to join us, wouldn't we, Jack? Let the rest of the gang know, will you, Lisa? And your mum and dad.
Course.
She'll love that, will Mum.
Make sure Sue has done her spiders legs, though.
You know what the over-fifties are like when it comes to grooming.
I'll make sure that's covered, thanks.
I best be off.
I've got to pick up my sister, she's had cosmetic surgery done on her fairy.
Four kids, can you imagine the carnage? Right, a little fiddle now before I go.
See you later then.
Yeah, see you.
Oh, don't forget your cossie.
Where were we? This is not funny.
It's not meant to be funny.
No, Dan, this.
I look fat, don't I? So do I.
Who gives a fuck? Dan, be honest.
Just take it off, will you? The lot.
Now.
(BOTH GIGGLE) Oh! Dan! Sorry, kids.
Didn't know you were in.
I brought your mum round to do your topsoil.
Got to keep her busy.
Barbara stuffed it.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
Poor mum.
I'll take her out shopping or something, shall I? She'll need a distraction.
How is she? She's bearing up.
She's old school, your mother.
Tough as a bird's arse.
Don't make them like her anymore.
Your bleeding parents.
Don't be tight, where's your compassion? Jam-bon? Has that got jam in it? It's ham.
Jambon.
Why don't they just put ham then? Because it's French.
Because it's mental.
You will come tonight, won't you? I'm not sure.
I mean, a hot tub party.
Can you get more exotic than that? Just can't see it being my thing.
But it's a perfect opportunity for us come out, Fergus.
Shelley will be there.
That's half the reason I'm not sure it's a good idea.
We can't hide it from her forever.
And Lisa is going to be there too.
There's the other half.
It's not like you won't know anyone.
Don't be miserable.
Come on.
Please.
OK, I'll come.
Really? Really.
So the bank has definitely sorted it for us then? < Definitely.
And you fancy Jamaica? Too right.
So we can book it then.
There is no immediate rush though.
I can meet you after work, we could go to the Trafford Centre and get some tea, make a night of it.
Let's just wait till they've paid it back in.
Do we have to? Patience, my darling, is a virtue.
(GROWLS) (GIGGLES) Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
(LAUGHS) Wait there a second.
Catch me up.
Alright.
Are you busy tonight? No.
There is a party going on over the road, why don't you come over? I'm not sure.
Come on.
Summer gear, hot tub.
Cocktails.
Blimey.
Should be fun really.
I bet you could do with a bit of cheering up.
After the break-in.
Of course, bloody hell.
The break-in.
Why not then.
Thanks.
See you later.
OK.
What's the matter with you? You're like a dog on heat.
Just a quick one before we go.
No, you'll ruin my hair.
You don't understand.
I think I do.
Your balls will explode, it's dangerous for a man to be denied, it can make you infertile, send you mad, any more? What? Come on, Dan.
I've heard every excuse in the book, as has every woman.
Not from me, you haven't.
I was 16 once, you know.
There were other men in my life at one stage, you know.
Men? When you were 16? They weren't men.
Yes, they were.
Jez Martin wasn't a man.
Jez Martin? Maggot Willy? I didn't go with Jez Martin.
You did.
Didn't.
How do you know he had a maggot then? Slapper.
(SHRIEKS) Hiya.
How are you doing? Yeah, good.
Lovely.
Thank you, so do you.
No kisses.
Lead the way.
Come on.
Blimey.
"Faith" - George Michael (GIGGLES) I just love George Michael.
So do I, Bianca.
(ALL GREET EACH OTHER) Happy birthday, Jack.
Thanks.
Are you having a good day? I am now you're here.
He's such a charmer.
When are we running away together? You and me.
(ALL CHUCKLE) When are you gonna to tell him? When? Happy birthday, mate.
Again.
Beer? Rude not to.
Jim, one of your lovely, lovely, beers, Jim.
(CAR HORN) (DRIVER) Alright, treacle? Thanks.
What for? For showing up.
I love you, Fergus.
Back at you, baby.
Come on you two, break it up.
Here he comes.
The walking, talking fanny magnet.
Yeah, yeah.
Can you keep a secret? You know me.
I'm in the shit.
What? Neck deep.
Makes a change.
Seriously, in the shit.
I'm not messing about.
What's happened? Can you lend me some money? Me? I've spent the holiday fund.
Five grand.
Five grand?! I'll get it back to you in a month or so.
I can't, mate.
She'll leave me if she finds out.
She'll divorce me.
Five grand?! Alright.
Don't tell the neighbours or anything.
Spent it on what? You know, stuff.
Stuff? Horses, you mean.
You sound like the missus.
I'm trying to gain your confidence here.
You've really wiped out five grand? It is the last time, I promise.
Come on, mate, help me out here, please.
I haven't got five grand, you knobhead.
Why would I give it to you if all you're gonna do is piss it away? I want a favour not a frigging lecture.
You need to sort your head out, mate, seriously.
Hello.
Hiya, Kate.
You know everybody here.
Did you invite her? Why, what's the problem? There isn't one.
Just wondering, that's all.
Hi, Kate.
Hi.
Everyone is here then.
Smashing.
Shall we get it on then? Here? Now? (LAUGHS) The hot tub, you fool.
(ALL LAUGH) Don't worry, everyone.
It's not one of THOSE parties.
(ALL LAUGH) I'll sort it.
Lisa.
You can get Legionnaire's disease in one of these things, you know.
I'm keeping my pedal pushers on, just in case.
(ALL CHEER) Come on then, kids.
No point just standing there looking at it.
Might as well get stuck right in.
Remember this, who dares wins.
(ALL CHEER) That's it! Come on, Sue.
Right behind you.
It's like the Titanic, isn't it? Come on, Jack, it's lovely.
(BIANCA) Excuse me, Barry.
Shift up.
Go on.
Come on, sweetheart, you're gorgeous.
(BIANCA) Did you feel that, Jack? (ALL EXCLAIM) Wahey! Here we go, here we go.
(ALL LAUGH) Hello, everybody.
(ALL) Hiya! Who's that? It's only the bloody MD.
What's he doing here? I was just about to ask the same thing.
That bad, is he? Fergus.
He's alright in small doses.
Chill out, he's probably a different bloke once he's got a cocktail down his neck.
You don't understand.
What's wrong? I don't want my boss to see my arse, thank you very much.
Why not? Nothing wrong with your arse.
Just cos you're OK gawping at everybody's else's arse, Dan.
Don't be silly.
Why would I gawp at anyone else's arse when I've got a perfectly good arse right here to gawp at? You're so full of shit.
Ask any woman if they'd want their boss to see their arse, I can promise you 100% if their boss is a man, the answer will be no.
Mum, am I right? Yes, that's right.
Kate? She's right.
Shelley? Would you like your boss to see your arse? No, I would not.
Bianca? Would you? I'd make an exception if my boss was George Clooney.
Yes, I think I would too actually.
When would George Clooney ever be your boss? Think about it, just for a moment.
Why has he come with her? Are you taking the piss? Not now, can we talk in a bit? Him? And her? I don't believe this.
I know.
It's awkward.
Hello, hiya.
(ALL) Hi.
(LISA) Lovely cossie.
Barry.
Close your mouth, love.
That's Fergus, my boyfriend.
You could have given me a bit of warning.
Hi, Fergus.
Nice to have you here.
Pleasure to meet you, Bianca.
The pleasure is all mine from where I'm standing.
Fancy a dip? I need the loo.
Can I put this in the fridge? You, sunshine, can put anything you want anywhere you damn well like.
Such fun and games.
This is fantastic.
How fantastic is this, Sue? It's cheered me up no end, love.
Why, what's up? We lost the dog this morning.
You didn't, did you? Have you not found it yet? I think he means the dog died, Denise.
After you lost it? It didn't go missing.
Don't bother.
My mum's dog has "gone missing.
" Between you and I, she dumped it outside Manchester Dog Zone.
It was a cross-breed.
You know, a bit backward.
Kept humping the bog brush.
And it had the snip.
There is only so much you can take, isn't there? You have no idea what a prick you're making of yourself.
She asked me to come, just a bit of fun.
How long has it been going on? It's the weekend, it's no concern of yours.
Live and let live, Shelley.
Try not to forget who the boss is though.
Knock out.
Excuse me.
Knock out.
And you know it.
She is my friend, remember.
Don't fuck with her.
Oh, the irony.
You know what I mean.
One simple phone call to the missus, Fergus.
It's all over.
Jack, how are you settling in? Very well, thanks.
You can't go wrong around this neck of the woods.
Good ale, pretty girls and the Trafford Centre.
Winning combination.
What a beautiful cossie, Shelley.
Thank you.
Barry, isn't that a beautiful cossie? Champion.
Treat myself this afternoon.
Kendals.
Kendals? Spot the Tory.
Simmer down, Nobby.
Town, I forgot.
How was it? Marvellous, thank you.
She's been a very naughty girl.
Lisa! Spent the morning in the Crown Plaza.
Me and Greg.
Antiques fair? What's naughty about that? Not quite.
They do this thing.
Where they meet up, her and Greg.
You know the score, Sue.
No, I don't.
We do what we can to keep the pace up, don't we? Just a bit of noisy hotel sex.
Is there any other kind, Sue? Imperial Blackpool, June '91.
Our 20th wedding anniversary.
The hotel manager barged the door down.
They thought I was being strangled.
(ALL LAUGH) Mother! How do you turn the temperature down on this thing? Anyone fancy a Salty Chihuahua? (PHONE RINGS) Thanks very much.
Yeah, course, darling.
Another hour and we'll have it thrashed out and I'll be home.
Boring is not the word.
You should see these people.
Fantastic.
Love you, honey.
I know what they're all thinking.
I don't care what they're all thinking.
Thanks.
For doing this.
For me.
I never thought you would, you know.
Don't ever underestimate the Fergus-meister.
I didn't underestimate you, Fergus.
You just did better than I thought you would, that's all.
(CHUCKLES) What? That is underestimating me, you stupid cow.
Hang on.
What did you just call her? It's alright, Lisa.
No, it isn't.
Stupid cow? She can be, can't she? You all know it.
Alright, Fergus, leave it.
Please.
Come on, babes.
You better go.
Just a giggle, babes.
It's not funny though, is it? You heard her.
Just go, will you? I'm going to turn in now, love.
What, now? There is tension in the camp.
Out there? You and your parties.
What do I always tell you? (BOTH) It's all fun and games until someone's eye is taken out.
Who is having a Slow Comfortable Screw? My speciality when I walk worked on the Royal Caribbean.
Four times the captain had me at his table.
Practically unheard of for a cocktail waitress, that.
Ice, we need ice.
Flower, are you OK? No, I'm not OK.
Do I look OK? They drove him away.
What? He told me he wants to be my boyfriend.
I think his wife might have something to say about that.
He's leaving her, Shelley.
He wants to be with me.
He's going to make it real.
Make it official.
Calm down, don't upset yourself.
I just think you all need to realise this is the man I Love.
Remember how that feels.
When your heart beats so fast you think you're going to faint.
Feel sick with excitement just because his arm brushes against yours.
When you spend all Sunday practising your signature with his surname.
Because there is nothing better to do apart from read the papers or help my mum with the big shop, is there? Denise, don't go.
I want to go, Shelley.
Barry, put your shorts on.
We'll walk you home, sweet pea.
Come on, babes, party's over.
See you in a bit.
Yeah.
Emergency.
We've run out of frigging ice.
I mean, let's be honest, who's going to want a Slow Comfortable Screw if we've got no ice? I think we've got a bit, won't be a tick.
It's just one of them nights, isn't it? We're covered.
Panic over.
I hope you had a good birthday despite the drama.
I love it.
Cheeky one? Before we go back to the funny farm? I'm starting to understand why you put up with me with friends like this lot.
I don't put up with you.
You know what I mean.
I was gonna ask you today, did you hear any more about the investigation? She won't hear.
Nothing yet.
It's fine, I'm sure.
If they had a problem, they would have let me know.
Course they would.
As long as you're cool with it all.
Yeah, thanks.
I'm great.
You're very kind, Dan.
Asking.
Don't be daft.
Mind if I barge in on the party, kids? One for the road? Happy birthday, Jack.
(BOTH LAUGH) We need to get back.
Oh.
Here.
I said we need to get back.
Lisa It must be four or five years now since they moved in.
Dan and I have gotten quite close I suppose.
He's a really smashing person to have around, you know.
I know.
He's very special.
And there's always been a bit of a spark between us, if I'm honest, hasn't there, Dan? I beg your pardon.
Alright, cheesecake? What spark might that be? It's only a bit of fun, Lisa.
Banter, chit-chat.
I was saying he's got a soft spot for me, that's all.
Nothing major, we all know he loves you like crazy.
Do we now? Soft spot, eh? I don't know what she's on about.
I love it when he does this.
He always does this.
What exactly does he always do, Bianca? You know, acts all innocent, none the wiser, it's very cute.
What you on about? Help me out here.
You, home now.
Lisa.
It's all just a bit of fun.
It's perfectly normal, you know.
To make little emotional connections with other people, it doesn't mean anything bad.
It's only like that time I bumped into you and Jack having your intimate little night out.
What night out? It wasn't like that, Kate.
It wasn't intimate.
She's got the wrong end of the stick.
She only saw us for a minute.
She doesn't know the full story.
You, home now! Him and her? Spill the bloody beans now.
If it wasn't a proper date, what is there to hide? Nothing! Why didn't you tell me? You didn't tell me about Bianca's obvious connection with you? There is no connection, Lisa.
Kate called it a connection.
What the hell would she know? She's only just met the woman tonight.
Female intuition, it's powerful stuff.
It's bollocks more like.
I saw you.
Every time she got out the hot tub, you couldn't take your eyes off her arse.
I didn't have much choice when she kept bending over in front of everyone.
Even you had a good look.
No, I did not.
Call that an arse anyway? I've seen more meat on a butcher's pencil.
Why would I want to take a good look at that? Why would I? Because you said arses were your favourite part of a woman's body! Your body, you idiot! Your bloody arse! How many times do I have to tell you? You fancy her, don't you? You fancy Miss Skimpy Knickers! For crying out loud, I do not fancy Miss Skimpy Knickers! I tell you what I do fancy.
You.
When you're angry.
I swear on my life, there is no connection of any sort.
And I swear it wasn't a proper date.
I'm sorry.
I've been a right dick, haven't I? Yes, you have.
Well? Well what? Are you sorry too? What for? I didn't do anything wrong.
Course you've not.
How could I even think as much? Aw, you're so lovely, you are.
I know.
I tell you what.
What? You can have that shag now if you like? If I like? (PHONE BEEPS) Go on.
(GASPS) It's a little boy.
I know.
(What's your name?) Meet Alan.
Say hello to Alan, everybody.
Hello, Alan.
Hello! Aw.
Here is your problem, madam.
I didn't make them, I didn't, Lisa.
It's your father.
Just tell me straight, how long has he got? The wife, bet she doesn't know you're here.
You picked the wrong time to cheat on me, sunshine.
What? You need proper care.
They've spoken with our GP and he reckons it's a faster decline than you think.
You were jealous, weren't you? When you saw her with me.
Because I am.
When I see you with Dan.
Like I said, stick to it, no hassle, dead simple.
I'm really sorry that I - I'll get it all back.
Every pound.
Holly.
Where's my son? How much do you charge, darling? (LAUGHS) Candles, wine, fellatio.
Home made shepherd's pie and he'll love you forever.
I've seen it all now.
I do love him, you know.
You are brilliant.
And beautiful.
Hello, girls.
There were are.
Over there.
(SIGHS) Dan.
Dan.
Dan.
Yes? What's your favourite part of my body? Did you hear me? This is important.
I read an article yesterday and it said 20% of married men's favourite part of their wife's body is her personality.
Liars.
What? Bull shitters.
Go on then, what's your favourite part of my body? Your arse.
My arse? Yes, your arse, my princess.
Your arse is officially my favourite part of your body bar none.
End of.
Period.
Finito.
What about my face? Hmm? My face, marginally attractive set of features attached to the front of my head.
I know what your face is.
Well? Well, what? What do you think about it? It's lovely.
Lovely? Gorgeous.
It's not your favourite part of my body? No, sorry, your arse is.
Can we drop it? I can't believe you prefer my arse to my face.
Ask any fella what his favourite part of a woman's body is, he will say tits or arse.
Fact.
Get over it, will you? The men in the article didn't, they said personalities.
How do you explain that, eh? Easy.
Mingers, obviously.
Postman asked me to take it when you were out yesterday.
Thanks, Bianca.
Expecting anything nice? If it's from my Auntie Kath, it will be shit.
If it's from my mother, it will be useful and if it's from my brother, it will be expensive.
Brother.
To think there's more than one of you out there.
And random parcels, you must be special.
Not random, I'm not that special.
You bloody are.
It's my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
What have you got planned? Nothing to be honest.
Nothing? I've had a busy week.
I've got an idea.
I'm all ears.
Hot tub party.
Chez Bianca.
Ce soir.
Bring yourself, your trunks and a bottle of plonk.
Do you like hot tubs, Jack? Never given it much thought really.
Millions and trillions of tiny bubbles slowly creeping their way up your inner thigh.
Well, when you put it like that.
Nowt like it.
I'll supply the cocktails and sort out a few nibbles.
Do you like nibbles, Jack? Love them.
Shall we ask Lisa and Dan over? Good call.
And a few others whilst we're at it? Genius.
Might as well make it a gangbang, eh? (BOTH GIGGLE) (PHONE RINGS) Hi.
It's all sorted.
Crown Plaza, centre of town.
Give me an hour.
He's away.
I've told you, just trust me, baby.
It's all fine.
Hour tops, promise.
Maybe I could get a boob job.
What the fuck for? If my tits aren't your favourite You don't need a boob job.
They could be a bit perkier, like Jennifer Aniston's.
Her nipples, good God, have you seen them? Can't miss them.
Through her T-shirt.
I know.
She could take someone's eye out with one of them buggers.
Not even a bra on.
Do me a favour.
What? Shut the fuck up, you're giving me a lob on.
(GIGGLES) Get here.
Now.
What, now? Yes.
Now.
(PHONE RINGS) Who's that? Don't care, get in.
What if it's an emergency? That is an emergency.
It's Kate.
Go on, answer it.
Don't be tight.
Hello? Oh, Lisa.
Sorry.
Hi, Kate, you OK? Someone's broken into the caf.
They've knackered the locks.
I wanted to ask Dan if he would come and change them for me.
Of course he will.
He'll be there in 10 minutes.
Thank you so much, Lisa.
No worries.
You take care, love.
Bye.
Bye.
I wanted a lie-in.
Get over it, you wuss.
And a shag.
Think of it as your good deed for the day.
Doing your bit for society.
Charity.
Thanks, love.
Do you know, look at this.
You want to buy some butchers tripe.
It makes them fart for Britain but it builds them right up.
Thanks a lot.
Hiya.
What? I'm so sorry, Sue.
It's Barbara.
She was too weak.
They said it's her lungs.
Come here.
(PHONE BEEPS) < (CAR HORN) If my dad hears your car, he'll go Are you naked under that? (GIGGLES) You need to go.
I've been thinking about you.
Me? Yeah, you, gorgeous.
Last night, letting you down again.
I'm so sorry.
Do you really want to finish it? I can be a better boyfriend.
Boyfriend? Yeah, you know.
Got to make more of an effort.
You're leaving her? Whoa, steady on, tiger.
I mean, not right this moment, no, but soon.
For sure.
It's been on my mind.
It's not good, it's not gentlemanly.
Oh, Fergus.
I'll pick you up at the bus stop at one-ish.
Lunch.
Nice little French bistro in town.
Brilliant.
Let's have a peek.
I knew it.
Knew what? You are naked under that.
(SNORTS) Thanks so much for this, Dan.
No worries, any time, I've told you.
I'm not that hungry.
Go on.
I'll be offended.
Lovely.
Can I ask a favour of you? God, is that all I ever do, ask favours of you? No.
Honest, go on.
Like I've got nowt else to do but take advantage of a really nice guy.
Go on, honest, it's fine.
One second, wait there.
Hello? I'm dead horny.
Dan, it's half ten in the morning.
So, you shouldn't have left me dangling like that before.
I can think of more appropriate words.
I can't stop thinking about you.
Aw.
I'll pick you up at the gym.
What, now? Yeah, we can nip home.
Ten minutes.
I'm all sweaty.
Ooh, even better.
Do you like it? Er, yeah.
It's nice.
Really? Smashing.
Smashing? You know, lovely.
Lovely is good.
Sorry, I need to get a move on, Kate.
One sec.
Please, Dan, give me one more sec.
Well, hello.
You look mint.
Don't look too bad yourself.
I've booked us in under the name of Mr and Mrs Smith.
Obvious or what? Come on.
Which one? Sorry, Kate, I really need to go, I'm late.
I'm going to a christening next Sunday.
It's really hard sometimes being on my own.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to sound rude.
No-one to ask which dress looks the nicest.
I miss him so much, you know.
The green one.
Yeah? Yeah.
It really suits you.
Thanks, Dan.
(CAR HORN) (CAR HORN) What do you think you're doing? Get back in the car, love.
I don't think so, Barry.
She will travel where she always travels.
On my knee in the front.
Nothing has changed.
Has it, treasure? Ignore her.
Lisa! Do you want this shag or what? Hey, you two.
Guess what I've got.
Morning, Bianca.
Go on, guess what I've got.
Syphilis? A hot tub.
Lovely.
Will you come and have a little fiddle with it for me, the pressure needs adjusting.
I'd ask Jim but his finger seize up when he's got to delve about into anything delicate.
(GIGGLES) Hello.
Hiya.
Hiya.
He here is, birthday boy.
Birthday? Happy birthday, mate.
Cheers.
Happy birthday, are you doing anything nice? That's where I come in.
Party at mine tonight.
In honour of our lovely new neighbour and his 21st birthday celebrations.
Any excuse, eh? Charmer.
We'd love you both to join us, wouldn't we, Jack? Let the rest of the gang know, will you, Lisa? And your mum and dad.
Course.
She'll love that, will Mum.
Make sure Sue has done her spiders legs, though.
You know what the over-fifties are like when it comes to grooming.
I'll make sure that's covered, thanks.
I best be off.
I've got to pick up my sister, she's had cosmetic surgery done on her fairy.
Four kids, can you imagine the carnage? Right, a little fiddle now before I go.
See you later then.
Yeah, see you.
Oh, don't forget your cossie.
Where were we? This is not funny.
It's not meant to be funny.
No, Dan, this.
I look fat, don't I? So do I.
Who gives a fuck? Dan, be honest.
Just take it off, will you? The lot.
Now.
(BOTH GIGGLE) Oh! Dan! Sorry, kids.
Didn't know you were in.
I brought your mum round to do your topsoil.
Got to keep her busy.
Barbara stuffed it.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
Poor mum.
I'll take her out shopping or something, shall I? She'll need a distraction.
How is she? She's bearing up.
She's old school, your mother.
Tough as a bird's arse.
Don't make them like her anymore.
Your bleeding parents.
Don't be tight, where's your compassion? Jam-bon? Has that got jam in it? It's ham.
Jambon.
Why don't they just put ham then? Because it's French.
Because it's mental.
You will come tonight, won't you? I'm not sure.
I mean, a hot tub party.
Can you get more exotic than that? Just can't see it being my thing.
But it's a perfect opportunity for us come out, Fergus.
Shelley will be there.
That's half the reason I'm not sure it's a good idea.
We can't hide it from her forever.
And Lisa is going to be there too.
There's the other half.
It's not like you won't know anyone.
Don't be miserable.
Come on.
Please.
OK, I'll come.
Really? Really.
So the bank has definitely sorted it for us then? < Definitely.
And you fancy Jamaica? Too right.
So we can book it then.
There is no immediate rush though.
I can meet you after work, we could go to the Trafford Centre and get some tea, make a night of it.
Let's just wait till they've paid it back in.
Do we have to? Patience, my darling, is a virtue.
(GROWLS) (GIGGLES) Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
(LAUGHS) Wait there a second.
Catch me up.
Alright.
Are you busy tonight? No.
There is a party going on over the road, why don't you come over? I'm not sure.
Come on.
Summer gear, hot tub.
Cocktails.
Blimey.
Should be fun really.
I bet you could do with a bit of cheering up.
After the break-in.
Of course, bloody hell.
The break-in.
Why not then.
Thanks.
See you later.
OK.
What's the matter with you? You're like a dog on heat.
Just a quick one before we go.
No, you'll ruin my hair.
You don't understand.
I think I do.
Your balls will explode, it's dangerous for a man to be denied, it can make you infertile, send you mad, any more? What? Come on, Dan.
I've heard every excuse in the book, as has every woman.
Not from me, you haven't.
I was 16 once, you know.
There were other men in my life at one stage, you know.
Men? When you were 16? They weren't men.
Yes, they were.
Jez Martin wasn't a man.
Jez Martin? Maggot Willy? I didn't go with Jez Martin.
You did.
Didn't.
How do you know he had a maggot then? Slapper.
(SHRIEKS) Hiya.
How are you doing? Yeah, good.
Lovely.
Thank you, so do you.
No kisses.
Lead the way.
Come on.
Blimey.
"Faith" - George Michael (GIGGLES) I just love George Michael.
So do I, Bianca.
(ALL GREET EACH OTHER) Happy birthday, Jack.
Thanks.
Are you having a good day? I am now you're here.
He's such a charmer.
When are we running away together? You and me.
(ALL CHUCKLE) When are you gonna to tell him? When? Happy birthday, mate.
Again.
Beer? Rude not to.
Jim, one of your lovely, lovely, beers, Jim.
(CAR HORN) (DRIVER) Alright, treacle? Thanks.
What for? For showing up.
I love you, Fergus.
Back at you, baby.
Come on you two, break it up.
Here he comes.
The walking, talking fanny magnet.
Yeah, yeah.
Can you keep a secret? You know me.
I'm in the shit.
What? Neck deep.
Makes a change.
Seriously, in the shit.
I'm not messing about.
What's happened? Can you lend me some money? Me? I've spent the holiday fund.
Five grand.
Five grand?! I'll get it back to you in a month or so.
I can't, mate.
She'll leave me if she finds out.
She'll divorce me.
Five grand?! Alright.
Don't tell the neighbours or anything.
Spent it on what? You know, stuff.
Stuff? Horses, you mean.
You sound like the missus.
I'm trying to gain your confidence here.
You've really wiped out five grand? It is the last time, I promise.
Come on, mate, help me out here, please.
I haven't got five grand, you knobhead.
Why would I give it to you if all you're gonna do is piss it away? I want a favour not a frigging lecture.
You need to sort your head out, mate, seriously.
Hello.
Hiya, Kate.
You know everybody here.
Did you invite her? Why, what's the problem? There isn't one.
Just wondering, that's all.
Hi, Kate.
Hi.
Everyone is here then.
Smashing.
Shall we get it on then? Here? Now? (LAUGHS) The hot tub, you fool.
(ALL LAUGH) Don't worry, everyone.
It's not one of THOSE parties.
(ALL LAUGH) I'll sort it.
Lisa.
You can get Legionnaire's disease in one of these things, you know.
I'm keeping my pedal pushers on, just in case.
(ALL CHEER) Come on then, kids.
No point just standing there looking at it.
Might as well get stuck right in.
Remember this, who dares wins.
(ALL CHEER) That's it! Come on, Sue.
Right behind you.
It's like the Titanic, isn't it? Come on, Jack, it's lovely.
(BIANCA) Excuse me, Barry.
Shift up.
Go on.
Come on, sweetheart, you're gorgeous.
(BIANCA) Did you feel that, Jack? (ALL EXCLAIM) Wahey! Here we go, here we go.
(ALL LAUGH) Hello, everybody.
(ALL) Hiya! Who's that? It's only the bloody MD.
What's he doing here? I was just about to ask the same thing.
That bad, is he? Fergus.
He's alright in small doses.
Chill out, he's probably a different bloke once he's got a cocktail down his neck.
You don't understand.
What's wrong? I don't want my boss to see my arse, thank you very much.
Why not? Nothing wrong with your arse.
Just cos you're OK gawping at everybody's else's arse, Dan.
Don't be silly.
Why would I gawp at anyone else's arse when I've got a perfectly good arse right here to gawp at? You're so full of shit.
Ask any woman if they'd want their boss to see their arse, I can promise you 100% if their boss is a man, the answer will be no.
Mum, am I right? Yes, that's right.
Kate? She's right.
Shelley? Would you like your boss to see your arse? No, I would not.
Bianca? Would you? I'd make an exception if my boss was George Clooney.
Yes, I think I would too actually.
When would George Clooney ever be your boss? Think about it, just for a moment.
Why has he come with her? Are you taking the piss? Not now, can we talk in a bit? Him? And her? I don't believe this.
I know.
It's awkward.
Hello, hiya.
(ALL) Hi.
(LISA) Lovely cossie.
Barry.
Close your mouth, love.
That's Fergus, my boyfriend.
You could have given me a bit of warning.
Hi, Fergus.
Nice to have you here.
Pleasure to meet you, Bianca.
The pleasure is all mine from where I'm standing.
Fancy a dip? I need the loo.
Can I put this in the fridge? You, sunshine, can put anything you want anywhere you damn well like.
Such fun and games.
This is fantastic.
How fantastic is this, Sue? It's cheered me up no end, love.
Why, what's up? We lost the dog this morning.
You didn't, did you? Have you not found it yet? I think he means the dog died, Denise.
After you lost it? It didn't go missing.
Don't bother.
My mum's dog has "gone missing.
" Between you and I, she dumped it outside Manchester Dog Zone.
It was a cross-breed.
You know, a bit backward.
Kept humping the bog brush.
And it had the snip.
There is only so much you can take, isn't there? You have no idea what a prick you're making of yourself.
She asked me to come, just a bit of fun.
How long has it been going on? It's the weekend, it's no concern of yours.
Live and let live, Shelley.
Try not to forget who the boss is though.
Knock out.
Excuse me.
Knock out.
And you know it.
She is my friend, remember.
Don't fuck with her.
Oh, the irony.
You know what I mean.
One simple phone call to the missus, Fergus.
It's all over.
Jack, how are you settling in? Very well, thanks.
You can't go wrong around this neck of the woods.
Good ale, pretty girls and the Trafford Centre.
Winning combination.
What a beautiful cossie, Shelley.
Thank you.
Barry, isn't that a beautiful cossie? Champion.
Treat myself this afternoon.
Kendals.
Kendals? Spot the Tory.
Simmer down, Nobby.
Town, I forgot.
How was it? Marvellous, thank you.
She's been a very naughty girl.
Lisa! Spent the morning in the Crown Plaza.
Me and Greg.
Antiques fair? What's naughty about that? Not quite.
They do this thing.
Where they meet up, her and Greg.
You know the score, Sue.
No, I don't.
We do what we can to keep the pace up, don't we? Just a bit of noisy hotel sex.
Is there any other kind, Sue? Imperial Blackpool, June '91.
Our 20th wedding anniversary.
The hotel manager barged the door down.
They thought I was being strangled.
(ALL LAUGH) Mother! How do you turn the temperature down on this thing? Anyone fancy a Salty Chihuahua? (PHONE RINGS) Thanks very much.
Yeah, course, darling.
Another hour and we'll have it thrashed out and I'll be home.
Boring is not the word.
You should see these people.
Fantastic.
Love you, honey.
I know what they're all thinking.
I don't care what they're all thinking.
Thanks.
For doing this.
For me.
I never thought you would, you know.
Don't ever underestimate the Fergus-meister.
I didn't underestimate you, Fergus.
You just did better than I thought you would, that's all.
(CHUCKLES) What? That is underestimating me, you stupid cow.
Hang on.
What did you just call her? It's alright, Lisa.
No, it isn't.
Stupid cow? She can be, can't she? You all know it.
Alright, Fergus, leave it.
Please.
Come on, babes.
You better go.
Just a giggle, babes.
It's not funny though, is it? You heard her.
Just go, will you? I'm going to turn in now, love.
What, now? There is tension in the camp.
Out there? You and your parties.
What do I always tell you? (BOTH) It's all fun and games until someone's eye is taken out.
Who is having a Slow Comfortable Screw? My speciality when I walk worked on the Royal Caribbean.
Four times the captain had me at his table.
Practically unheard of for a cocktail waitress, that.
Ice, we need ice.
Flower, are you OK? No, I'm not OK.
Do I look OK? They drove him away.
What? He told me he wants to be my boyfriend.
I think his wife might have something to say about that.
He's leaving her, Shelley.
He wants to be with me.
He's going to make it real.
Make it official.
Calm down, don't upset yourself.
I just think you all need to realise this is the man I Love.
Remember how that feels.
When your heart beats so fast you think you're going to faint.
Feel sick with excitement just because his arm brushes against yours.
When you spend all Sunday practising your signature with his surname.
Because there is nothing better to do apart from read the papers or help my mum with the big shop, is there? Denise, don't go.
I want to go, Shelley.
Barry, put your shorts on.
We'll walk you home, sweet pea.
Come on, babes, party's over.
See you in a bit.
Yeah.
Emergency.
We've run out of frigging ice.
I mean, let's be honest, who's going to want a Slow Comfortable Screw if we've got no ice? I think we've got a bit, won't be a tick.
It's just one of them nights, isn't it? We're covered.
Panic over.
I hope you had a good birthday despite the drama.
I love it.
Cheeky one? Before we go back to the funny farm? I'm starting to understand why you put up with me with friends like this lot.
I don't put up with you.
You know what I mean.
I was gonna ask you today, did you hear any more about the investigation? She won't hear.
Nothing yet.
It's fine, I'm sure.
If they had a problem, they would have let me know.
Course they would.
As long as you're cool with it all.
Yeah, thanks.
I'm great.
You're very kind, Dan.
Asking.
Don't be daft.
Mind if I barge in on the party, kids? One for the road? Happy birthday, Jack.
(BOTH LAUGH) We need to get back.
Oh.
Here.
I said we need to get back.
Lisa It must be four or five years now since they moved in.
Dan and I have gotten quite close I suppose.
He's a really smashing person to have around, you know.
I know.
He's very special.
And there's always been a bit of a spark between us, if I'm honest, hasn't there, Dan? I beg your pardon.
Alright, cheesecake? What spark might that be? It's only a bit of fun, Lisa.
Banter, chit-chat.
I was saying he's got a soft spot for me, that's all.
Nothing major, we all know he loves you like crazy.
Do we now? Soft spot, eh? I don't know what she's on about.
I love it when he does this.
He always does this.
What exactly does he always do, Bianca? You know, acts all innocent, none the wiser, it's very cute.
What you on about? Help me out here.
You, home now.
Lisa.
It's all just a bit of fun.
It's perfectly normal, you know.
To make little emotional connections with other people, it doesn't mean anything bad.
It's only like that time I bumped into you and Jack having your intimate little night out.
What night out? It wasn't like that, Kate.
It wasn't intimate.
She's got the wrong end of the stick.
She only saw us for a minute.
She doesn't know the full story.
You, home now! Him and her? Spill the bloody beans now.
If it wasn't a proper date, what is there to hide? Nothing! Why didn't you tell me? You didn't tell me about Bianca's obvious connection with you? There is no connection, Lisa.
Kate called it a connection.
What the hell would she know? She's only just met the woman tonight.
Female intuition, it's powerful stuff.
It's bollocks more like.
I saw you.
Every time she got out the hot tub, you couldn't take your eyes off her arse.
I didn't have much choice when she kept bending over in front of everyone.
Even you had a good look.
No, I did not.
Call that an arse anyway? I've seen more meat on a butcher's pencil.
Why would I want to take a good look at that? Why would I? Because you said arses were your favourite part of a woman's body! Your body, you idiot! Your bloody arse! How many times do I have to tell you? You fancy her, don't you? You fancy Miss Skimpy Knickers! For crying out loud, I do not fancy Miss Skimpy Knickers! I tell you what I do fancy.
You.
When you're angry.
I swear on my life, there is no connection of any sort.
And I swear it wasn't a proper date.
I'm sorry.
I've been a right dick, haven't I? Yes, you have.
Well? Well what? Are you sorry too? What for? I didn't do anything wrong.
Course you've not.
How could I even think as much? Aw, you're so lovely, you are.
I know.
I tell you what.
What? You can have that shag now if you like? If I like? (PHONE BEEPS) Go on.
(GASPS) It's a little boy.
I know.
(What's your name?) Meet Alan.
Say hello to Alan, everybody.
Hello, Alan.
Hello! Aw.
Here is your problem, madam.
I didn't make them, I didn't, Lisa.
It's your father.
Just tell me straight, how long has he got? The wife, bet she doesn't know you're here.
You picked the wrong time to cheat on me, sunshine.
What? You need proper care.
They've spoken with our GP and he reckons it's a faster decline than you think.
You were jealous, weren't you? When you saw her with me.
Because I am.
When I see you with Dan.
Like I said, stick to it, no hassle, dead simple.