Mount Pleasant (2011) s03e08 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 8
Can I ask you something, love? Do you want to get married or not? This whole wedding is going to be really bloody cool.
What's this? This is me saying I'm out.
Just like that? Technically we are celebrating.
Celebrating what? A night off.
Hiya, love! Just get in the van, Mum.
I'm saying it, because it needs saying.
Jack, Jack, Jack! Argh! Lisa Can I come in? I'm on the loo.
Lisa? What's up? I'm fine.
That's not fine.
Just leave it, Dan.
Honestly, just leave it.
I don't like seeing you upset, believe it or not.
It's nothing.
Just what you do when your marriage is falling apart.
This marriage is not falling apart.
You're just tired and emotional.
It's inevitable on a day like today.
Thank you for that analysis.
I feel so much better now you've given me that guidance.
There's no need to be sarky.
We shouldn't be spoiling it for everyone by constantly bickering, should we? I have no intention of spoiling it.
And for your information, it wasn't me who messed up in the first place, remember? I think it's time for a glass of fizz, don't you? Gary! Have you not got anything stronger? Gary! Morning.
Hiya, love.
Will you pour a shot of vodka for Pauline? What? Already? Fancy some tonic to go with it? Straight will be fine thanks, love.
Calm the nerves.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I mean, it's not like we've not been here before, is it? I think it's cos we're doing it in a church.
Where did you get married last time? Salford Registry Office.
Just the two of us.
Charlie's family were not amused.
Bible bashers, believe it or not.
Really? His dad didn't like me one bit.
Because you weren't religious? No, actually.
He was a bit of a groper.
Tried it on once at Charlie's uncle's funeral.
I kneed him in the nuts so hard I don't think he ever got up again.
Is that OK? Perfect, thanks, love.
And he didn't drink.
Never trust someone who doesn't drink.
I know what you mean.
Will you get me a glass of fizz, cock? Really? Now? You as well? Gary, love.
It's a wedding.
It's the law to have a tipple first thing.
I know I took my eye off the ball.
And for the millionth time I am truly sorry.
But we can't move on till you move on.
I just want to get on with me life OUR life, together.
What if I can't? What do you mean, if you can't? Can I come in? I'm on the loo! Sorry, kids.
I just need my toothbrush.
I can use the bathroom in your bedroom if you are busy in here? Could you cover yourself up? Peace in the Middle East, kids! # Who's getting married in the morning? Ding-dong the bells are gonna shine All right, all right, could you both cover yourselves up? It's like a home for retired flashers here.
Thank you.
Right, you two.
Do you fancy a bacon butty? You've got a long day ahead, you need all the energy you can get your hands on.
Go on then, love.
Yeah, thanks, Lisa.
Me too.
If there's any spare, seeing as though I went out and bought it in the first place.
Can I ask you a question, Dan? Are you two, y'know sorted yet? Pardon me? We know you're on the sofa, me and him.
Don't we, Charlie? We saw you last night when we met up in the kitchen.
Romantic! We thought you were having a good kip, so we didn't want to disturb you.
How very noble of you.
Thank you.
You and Lisa are going to sort it, aren't you? Yes, Barry.
We will sort it out.
But I'm afraid today you and I have got to get this old codger to the church in one piece, first.
Hi.
Who's coming to stay then? No-one.
Why? Washing machine on by 8:30? You've polished, you've ironed one of my shirts, you've loaded the dishwasher, and now you've been out shopping.
Something's going on.
This isn't normal.
OK.
I had this idea this morning and it's making me really nervous.
Do you remember the other day, when Pauline was going on and on about how much she loved my car? Yeah.
I thought it might be a nice idea to offer it to them to use for the wedding.
You know, a kind of peace offering, really.
And we could jazz it up a bit, put this on it.
You know what Pauline's like, she'd love that.
Who wouldn't? So, I thought I would nip round and mention it to Dan and Lisa.
Whatever you think is best.
You think it's a crap idea, don't you? I didn't say that.
Oh, God! What if she says no? Then she says no.
It's not the end of the world.
O to the M to the G.
What? Guess who I've been on the phone to? Who? Carol from the agency.
What does she want? They've got a client in Manchester that like my photos! It's for a catalogue campaign.
This is big time, Fergus.
It's a proper casting.
They've got Carol said I'm in her top five and I'm going in first.
They like my photos, they just need to love my personality too.
Carol said if I go along and charm them, this could be the thing that breaks me.
Makes you, even.
Are you OK, Fergus? Aren't you pleased for me? Course I'm pleased.
When is it, this casting then? Today.
Today? But you can't go today.
You did tell them you can't go? It's at 11 o'clock.
I thought if we get a move on you could drop me there first.
Couldn't they give you a bit more notice? It's cutting it a bit fine! It's only in town, and remember I'm one of the first in, we can go to the church straight after, if we both get ready now.
Will you take me? Please? Your dad knows I'm kipping on the sofa.
There's a spare quilt on it.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work that one out.
Dan, there's something I want to talk to you about.
What now? I've packed some stuff.
What stuff? Just a few bits, for now, and what I think Smile, comrades! Dad! Will you put that thing away? No! I promised your mother I'd tape everything.
When she said everything she meant the church and the first dance, not breakfast, dinner and every trip to the toilet.
No, She doesn't want to miss anything.
Well, strictly speaking, she shouldn't put Auntie Pam before family commitments, should she? Message received! Loud and clear! Strictly speaking, Auntie Pam is family.
And Auntie Pam is ill! Show some compassion! I'm going to see to your mum.
Make sure these two are ready.
What did you mean you've packed some stuff? I'm sorry, Dan.
I just don't think I can do this any more.
As soon as this wedding is done with .
.
I'll be gone.
Greg? What are you doing? Nothing.
Where are you going, then? Got a few things to sort before this afternoon.
What things? Just a bit of business.
Business? On a Saturday? The world keeps revolving at the weekends, y'know.
You said that was the last of Gerry.
It is.
Look.
One phone.
One client to meet.
Two calls to make.
A shirt to pick up at the dry cleaners.
A beautiful girlfriend to meet at the church of the wedding of my best mate's mum and dad.
OK.
I think you've made your point.
Do you trust me? Of course I do.
Well chill out, then.
See you later? Don't be late.
Yeah.
Lisa! Lisa, please! Not now, Tanya, if you don't mind.
We need to talk! I just want to talk to you, please.
Well, I don't want to talk to you.
Look, Tanya, we have got a really busy day and I really need to get to Bianca's.
I am really sorry about what happened with Dan.
Nothing happened with Dan.
He told me everything.
I just meant I want to apologise to you for all the trouble that I've caused.
When I heard, when Dan told me, about you two, and your little night out, know what I thought? Typical slapper, that's what.
And I wanted to punch your lights out.
I don't blame you.
I'm not surprised.
I would be exactly the same, Lisa.
I mean if Bradley Will you shut the fuck up for a minute and let me speak? I didn't.
Because I was too upset.
I thought I'd be the first in the queue to deal out the punches if my man even looked at someone else.
But the truth is, I wasn't, because it hurt too much.
But, if you really must know? I'm over it now.
I don't want to keep going on about it.
What happens now is between me and him.
And it's nobody else's business.
Do you understand? Yes.
Everything OK? Yeah.
Yeah, everything's fine.
Well? Well what? The car? What car? Hi.
Can I help? Hi.
Yes, I've come to collect a ring.
Of course.
Mr Porter, isn't it? Thanks, yeah.
Happy? Delighted.
Thanks.
So, am I allowed to ask when you're picking your special moment? This afternoon.
We're going to a friend's wedding.
Oh, wow! Lovely! Well, I'm sure wherever you do it you'll get the answer you want.
I hope so.
Hiya, Frankie! I didn't expect to see you! It's a casting.
Why wouldn't you see me? Carol called us all.
She told me they loved my pictures.
Course they loved your pictures.
They want to see as many as they can so they get the right person.
Did Carol love your pictures too, then? Sure did.
Top five? At last! She gets it.
This is showbiz, honey.
Hello? Only me! Come in.
Oh, wow, Bianca, you look fabulous! Do you think so? Oh, I really need to get a move on.
Where's Pauline? Upstairs.
She should be ready in a minute.
Drum roll! Oh, my God! Pauline, you look divine! Do you think so? Not that bad, surely? Oh, I'm sorry.
What's up? I'm just a bit emotional.
That's weddings for you! I blubber at Home And Away! Imagine what I'm going to be like when they say, "I do"! Right, I best get a move on.
Will you two be OK without me while I sort the last-minute things at the pub? Thanks, love.
We'll be fine.
Gary! Do I have to wear this tie? Of course you do.
Take it off, love, if that's what makes you comfy.
I don't want anyone feeling uncomfy today.
Come here! See you later! Ta-rah.
So, uh What did they want, over the road? Oh, erm Bradley said he'll drive you to the church in Tanya's car.
Did he? Yeah.
Oh, God! That's very kind of him.
I thought you'd be up for it.
Judging by the look you gave her when she legged it over to you out there, that's not all it was about, neither, was it? No.
Something with her and our Dan? It's nothing.
Look, I've got to get dressed.
I'm not blind, Lisa.
I saw her with him on the drive a couple of weeks back.
Turned his head, didn't she? Not really.
I know her type.
Can spot them a mile off.
She's no different than Babs.
And all the other women that make a play for something that's not theirs.
She didn't get it, though, did she? What she wanted? No.
So you've won, haven't you? I didn't see it as a race, to be honest.
She just tried to apologise.
And what did you say? It's not as simple as that, Pauline.
Do you need me to have a chat with our Dan? It's gone a bit further than that.
I've told him I can't carry on.
I've told him I don't trust him any more.
Please don't hate me, Pauline.
I've tried so hard Why would I hate you, eh? This is me you're talking to here! And I've been through the mill, beaten up and back again, lady.
I didn't want this to happen.
I just wanted you to have a good day.
That's all I've wanted all along.
I know, love.
And I will.
Don't you worry about otherwise.
I better go and get dressed.
Lisa, love? Yes? Will you give me away? Me?! Yeah, you! But I thought you wanted Dan to do it? But Dan's being best man.
Doesn't seem fair that he gets to do everything.
What do you think? Come in.
I'm Beryl Bennett.
Oh, hi.
I'm Denise Bradwell.
How are you, Beryl? You can call me Beryl.
Have a seat, Miss Bradwell.
Great pictures.
Thank you! Flippin 'eck.
I'm sorry.
I'm just dead nervous.
And I get a bit tongue-tied so I never know what's the right thing to say, Mrs Barrett.
Bennett.
Mrs Bennett.
So, tell me about yourself.
Erm, I like Kylie.
I hate horror films.
I love cupcakes and super noodles.
But, erm sushi makes me vom.
Is that the kind of thing you're after? Oh, you look lovely.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, wow, Mum! You look really great.
Thanks, son.
There's been a slight change of plan.
What now? Your mum has asked me to give her away, so I'm going to be going to the church with her.
What? You can go with Charlie and me dad.
How come? I just thought it'd be nice, with you being best man and everything.
Is that OK? This is another convenient way to get at me again, isn't it? No, actually, it isn't.
Your mum asked me, and to be honest, I'm really honoured.
Afternoon all! Your carriage awaits.
What's he doing here? Hiya, love.
No offence, Bradley, but what's going on? Bradley said we could use Tanya's car.
You're going in the taxi.
Go on, son.
Get a move on! We don't want to be late, do we? Are you all right, old boy? Why do I feel faint? It's not like I've not done it before.
You're on stage.
It's normal to feel nervous.
But I'm used to being on stage.
Never got this nervous for a gig.
Your audience didn't quite carry the weight of the Lord above, though.
Don't worry, Dad.
If you do pass out at least I'm here to catch you.
And I'm here to film you.
So if he keels over, when we send it in, we can share the Ð250 between us! Do you want me to do it now or after we've said, "I do"? Smells musty in here.
It's a church.
It's in the handbook to smell musty.
Did you bring me inhaler? No.
Did you ask me to? What if I get an attack? Look what happened to Renee at St Paul's.
You're not laughing now, are you? We used to have a caravan in Fleetwood.
There was a bowling alley and a fried chicken hut and I've just got so many happy memories from being a little girl, just hanging out near the sand pit or waiting on the caravan step for my mum to make me a jam sandwich.
That's all I want for my Josh really.
Long summers, happy parents.
Jam.
Well, thank you, Denise, for all this.
But I think we've run out of time.
Oh, God, have we? Don't you need to know about my GCSES? Not really, no.
Good job, really, cos I've only got needlework.
I've never really seen the need for maths, have you? Well Our teacher had a wonky shoulder and it used to make me feel a bit queasy when he wrote on the board.
And fractions.
I've never used fractions.
Have you ever used fractions? Two-fifths of a cake plus four-fifths of a cake, how much cake have you got? I used to think, none, round at my house.
As soon as it's out of the wrapper it just gets scoffed! Bloody hell, Denise! I am so sorry! She kept asking me questions! You must've done OK then.
Oh, no, have I 'eck! I've done terrible.
Two hours isn't terrible.
I think I talked too much.
I've definitely put her off.
Don't be so negative.
I'm not being negative, Fergus.
I'm just being realistic.
All the girls were stunning.
So? You're stunning.
I'm talking Naomi Campbell's league.
I won't be offended if you don't think I'm in her league.
I'm not fishing for compliments or anything.
And I'm quite glad it's happened, if I'm honest.
Finally feel like I've got some closure.
What? Nothing.
Well, get a move on then.
We're going to be late! This is the only way to travel, isn't it? I know! We love it, don't we? So exciting! Thanks, love.
Thank you! Oh, thank you, Bradley! You've made her feel a million dollars doing this.
It wasn't my idea.
It was Tanya's.
Oh.
I thought it was yours.
Sorry.
She doesn't explain herself very well.
She was nervous, in case you went mad at her.
Like you wanted to at Dan? Look, Lisa, I know you don't like my wife, but she knows she's fucked up this time.
I'm sure she does.
She never means for anything.
She enjoys the chase, then it's over, and it's like nothing ever happened.
It's your marriage.
You don't need to explain yourself to me.
I know I don't.
But I'm the only one round here that knows how you feel, so anything that helps, I'm going to say it.
Are you ready? Ready as I'll ever be.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Ta! You look beautiful.
Thanks.
So do you.
Glad to hear it.
Thought I'd make an effort! Wow, look at you, girl.
Do you like it? I love it.
Dear friends, we are gathered here to witness and to celebrate the drawing together Sorry, sorry, sorry! .
.
of two very dear people, Pauline and Charlie, as they declare their love for one another in joining together in holy matrimony.
Again! Now, Pauline, if you could just step forward.
I, Charlie Johnson I, Charlie Johnson .
.
promise to try to remember to pick up my used towels and replace the loo roll when it's empty.
And I promise to be faithful and to love and honour you always, till death do us part.
I promise to try to remember to pick up my used towels and to change the loo roll when it's empty.
I also promise to be faithful, to love and honour you always .
.
till death do us part.
I, Pauline Johnson I, Pauline Johnson .
.
promise to try to remember not to use all the hot water in one go, and to learn how to shut the fridge door properly.
And I promise to be faithful and to love and honour you always, till death do us part.
I promise to try to remember not to use all the hot water in one go, and to learn how to shut the fridge door properly.
And I promise to be faithful and to love and honour you always, till death do us part.
O Lord, our God, we ask your blessing upon these rings that they may be constant symbols of unending love and devotion.
With this ring, I thee wed, and pledge my faithful love.
With this ring, I thee wed, and pledge my faithful love.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Again! You may kiss your bride! Did you and Terry have a big wedding, Margaret? Enormous.
A characteristic that's always dominated our relationship in one way or another, if I do say so myself, eh, love? A man after my own heart, eh, Terry? Here they are.
Bradley, you were right.
You are the only one who knows how I feel.
It made me feel a lot better, that chat.
So thank you.
Glad I could be of some use for once.
I'm actually glad that you and Tanya are making a go of it, sticking around.
You can't just throw it all away when you've got a family.
No.
No, you can't.
I just wanted everything to be back to normal.
So did T.
So you make it work.
You have to.
Is she coming here? For drinks, later? Hadn't planned on it, no.
Maybe you should give her a call and ask? Thanks, Lisa.
What was all that about? Nothing.
I was just thanking him for bringing your mum.
Least I can do.
Don't suppose you have, have you? I want to talk to you a minute.
What've I done now? Don't worry.
It's all good.
Are you actually being serious? Course I'm being serious! Greg Porter? But he said he wanted out! He told me he WAS out.
He was! He is! Why have they done this? I know a couple of people.
I can get him a good lawyer.
So was it a gang then? No, Dad! Greg's not in a gang.
Gerry's not even in a gang.
Who's Gerry? He's just a dealer.
Greg was doing some to-ing and fro-ing for him.
It was just some spare money.
Amber, you better keep your mouth shut.
Yeah.
We all best keep our mouths shut really.
I don't need to keep my mouth shut.
Why should we worry about keeping our mouths shut? We don't know anything about this.
Nor do I but if we start speculating we might get him in more shit than he actually is.
He's right.
You don't know who's here.
Hey.
Walls have ears.
But he hasn't done anything! He'd finished with it all! I am so sorry about all of this.
He didn't mean for this to happen.
Not at your wedding.
He didn't mean to ruin your wedding.
He hasn't, love! But what will ruin it is if everyone hangs around here crying about it all day.
I can't tell you the amount of times Charlie's been lifted.
He'll be out in the morning.
They've probably got nothing on him, anyway.
So, are we cutting this cake or what? Come on.
I know a good brief.
Tell me what he's done and what you know and I can help you.
You don't need to pack a bag.
I packed mine when I went back to get your dad and my dad before.
Did you? I don't see why you should go when I'm the one that's fucked everything up.
I won't make it difficult for you Lisa, I promise.
Erm Sorry about the drama, people.
We're pretty confident there's been a big mistake and Greg's going to be fine! But if you can all make your way up this end because the bride and groom would like to cut the cake! No, no, no, no! You're not meant to cut the cake yet, you're meant to cut it later on, after everyone's eaten.
But we're not opening the buffet till after everyone's had a drink.
I thought we agreed.
Vows.
Drink.
Food.
Party.
Speeches.
Cake.
What we should've said was - Drink.
Vows.
Drink.
Drink.
Party.
Cake and food just complicate matters.
How about speeches then? Let's do that.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you sure you don't mind? Let's not go over it again.
It's not my day.
It's Pauline's.
Just get yourself a drink.
One, two Excuse me! Excuse me, everybody.
Get on with it! Oh, God, I am so sorry! Right.
This is it.
This is where she's getting dumped.
No more, Carol.
No more dodgy assignments.
Closure.
Now I know I wasn't the perfect husband first time round.
Right! But I want to say something today that I have never said before, publicly.
And it is, thank you, Pauline, my lovely new wife Hey, makes me sound quite good that, "new"! Thank you for putting up with me all these years, and for having the grace to forgive me for all the things I did that were downright wrong and stupid.
That's the sign of a lady, y'see.
The ability to listen and reason.
The ability to smack me over the chops when I've been an idiot, tell me I've been an idiot, but then, to forgive me for being an idiot, and take me back so we can get on with our lives and do the things that make us smile.
Like, well, like all this.
Again.
Again! Never mind that she can drink me under the table and still roll a killer joint.
Wahey! She's still a lady.
She's my lady.
And I love her.
To Pauline! Pauline! Right, everybody.
Crowd round, it's time for the first dance.
Music, maestro.
Please! I chose this.
Dan, can I have a word? Not now, Lisa.
I'm just having another drink and then as soon as this dance is over I'm sneaking off and going.
What's up, babe? Is everything OK? I've got the job.
The catalogue lady.
She loved me, apparently! Only saw six more girls after me and said she'd made up her mind the minute I started talking.
They want me as the face of the new campaign! Four TV ads over the next six months and I'm going to be on the back of every bus in Manchester, Fergus! Brilliant, babe! I think I took things a little bit further than I probably needed to.
You had every right.
I don't blame you for this, Lisa.
I messed up and it's my fault.
I'm the one that's chucked it all away, not you.
As long as we can stay friends, and no more shouting .
.
I'll be fine.
You will be too.
But there's a little bit more to it than that, isn't there? Is there? I miss you, Dan.
I miss you too.
Do you remember when we talked about babies? Yeah.
Well, you were right, really.
I was being selfish.
Going on about me all the time.
All the MD stuff.
I mean, it's not like a woman can't have a career and a child.
I know, I've been trying to tell you this for the best part of the past four years! Yeah, well I shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss you.
Why are you telling me all this now? That night after Tanya's party.
I thought you were right, when you said we should start trying for a baby.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did! I did.
I just didn't want to admit it.
Erm After we'd got back and you crashed out, well, I was a bit pissed, so I went in the bathroom .
.
and I threw all my pills down the sink.
What?! Please don't go mad at me.
I just didn't want to make a big deal of it.
I know that's really bad, but I'm getting older and I know if we hadn't got pregnant straightaway, I would've been really stressed.
Well It looks like I didn't need to worry about it after all.
What? This morning .
.
in the bathroom when you thought I wasn't listening I was upset.
I couldn't face the thought of doing it on my own.
I didn't like the idea of bringing a child into this world when it's mummy and daddy weren't even speaking.
What child? Our child, Dan.
I'm pregnant.
I'd just done the test.
This morning.
In the bathroom when you walked in.
You're actually really properly pregnant? Yeah.
And I'm sorry I said I wanted you to leave.
I don't want that at all.
I want it to work.
Me and you.
And our own little family.
Actually fully pregnant? Yes.
Oh, God, Lisa! Do you want it to work? Course I do! And you're not cross at me for not telling you? I couldn't give a shit! You've just made me the happiest man on the planet! And I won't mention the Tanya thing ever again.
I promise.
I love you, Lisa.
I love you too.
I'm going to be a dad! This is so bloody brilliant.
Come on! Gary, could you, erm I thought we were saving the best man's speech till after the buffet? It's all right, Bianca.
It doesn't matter.
It's not a speech, I don't think.
It is a speech, but it's just a small one.
Mum and Dad, you look so great together, congratulations.
And Bianca, this is all fantastic.
Well done for sorting it all out.
You've been brilliant.
Oh, thank you, Dan! Where's Barry? What's crackalackin? Film this.
You need to film this.
We've got some news.
Me and Lisa are going to have a baby! Well, thanks a lot! Trust her to piss on my chips! It's meant to be my big day! And before you start, it's not calling me granny! It's Nan or Nana, thank you very much.
End of! Oh, darling! I am so proud of you.
You know your mum will be so pleased.
Urgh! Come on!
What's this? This is me saying I'm out.
Just like that? Technically we are celebrating.
Celebrating what? A night off.
Hiya, love! Just get in the van, Mum.
I'm saying it, because it needs saying.
Jack, Jack, Jack! Argh! Lisa Can I come in? I'm on the loo.
Lisa? What's up? I'm fine.
That's not fine.
Just leave it, Dan.
Honestly, just leave it.
I don't like seeing you upset, believe it or not.
It's nothing.
Just what you do when your marriage is falling apart.
This marriage is not falling apart.
You're just tired and emotional.
It's inevitable on a day like today.
Thank you for that analysis.
I feel so much better now you've given me that guidance.
There's no need to be sarky.
We shouldn't be spoiling it for everyone by constantly bickering, should we? I have no intention of spoiling it.
And for your information, it wasn't me who messed up in the first place, remember? I think it's time for a glass of fizz, don't you? Gary! Have you not got anything stronger? Gary! Morning.
Hiya, love.
Will you pour a shot of vodka for Pauline? What? Already? Fancy some tonic to go with it? Straight will be fine thanks, love.
Calm the nerves.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I mean, it's not like we've not been here before, is it? I think it's cos we're doing it in a church.
Where did you get married last time? Salford Registry Office.
Just the two of us.
Charlie's family were not amused.
Bible bashers, believe it or not.
Really? His dad didn't like me one bit.
Because you weren't religious? No, actually.
He was a bit of a groper.
Tried it on once at Charlie's uncle's funeral.
I kneed him in the nuts so hard I don't think he ever got up again.
Is that OK? Perfect, thanks, love.
And he didn't drink.
Never trust someone who doesn't drink.
I know what you mean.
Will you get me a glass of fizz, cock? Really? Now? You as well? Gary, love.
It's a wedding.
It's the law to have a tipple first thing.
I know I took my eye off the ball.
And for the millionth time I am truly sorry.
But we can't move on till you move on.
I just want to get on with me life OUR life, together.
What if I can't? What do you mean, if you can't? Can I come in? I'm on the loo! Sorry, kids.
I just need my toothbrush.
I can use the bathroom in your bedroom if you are busy in here? Could you cover yourself up? Peace in the Middle East, kids! # Who's getting married in the morning? Ding-dong the bells are gonna shine All right, all right, could you both cover yourselves up? It's like a home for retired flashers here.
Thank you.
Right, you two.
Do you fancy a bacon butty? You've got a long day ahead, you need all the energy you can get your hands on.
Go on then, love.
Yeah, thanks, Lisa.
Me too.
If there's any spare, seeing as though I went out and bought it in the first place.
Can I ask you a question, Dan? Are you two, y'know sorted yet? Pardon me? We know you're on the sofa, me and him.
Don't we, Charlie? We saw you last night when we met up in the kitchen.
Romantic! We thought you were having a good kip, so we didn't want to disturb you.
How very noble of you.
Thank you.
You and Lisa are going to sort it, aren't you? Yes, Barry.
We will sort it out.
But I'm afraid today you and I have got to get this old codger to the church in one piece, first.
Hi.
Who's coming to stay then? No-one.
Why? Washing machine on by 8:30? You've polished, you've ironed one of my shirts, you've loaded the dishwasher, and now you've been out shopping.
Something's going on.
This isn't normal.
OK.
I had this idea this morning and it's making me really nervous.
Do you remember the other day, when Pauline was going on and on about how much she loved my car? Yeah.
I thought it might be a nice idea to offer it to them to use for the wedding.
You know, a kind of peace offering, really.
And we could jazz it up a bit, put this on it.
You know what Pauline's like, she'd love that.
Who wouldn't? So, I thought I would nip round and mention it to Dan and Lisa.
Whatever you think is best.
You think it's a crap idea, don't you? I didn't say that.
Oh, God! What if she says no? Then she says no.
It's not the end of the world.
O to the M to the G.
What? Guess who I've been on the phone to? Who? Carol from the agency.
What does she want? They've got a client in Manchester that like my photos! It's for a catalogue campaign.
This is big time, Fergus.
It's a proper casting.
They've got Carol said I'm in her top five and I'm going in first.
They like my photos, they just need to love my personality too.
Carol said if I go along and charm them, this could be the thing that breaks me.
Makes you, even.
Are you OK, Fergus? Aren't you pleased for me? Course I'm pleased.
When is it, this casting then? Today.
Today? But you can't go today.
You did tell them you can't go? It's at 11 o'clock.
I thought if we get a move on you could drop me there first.
Couldn't they give you a bit more notice? It's cutting it a bit fine! It's only in town, and remember I'm one of the first in, we can go to the church straight after, if we both get ready now.
Will you take me? Please? Your dad knows I'm kipping on the sofa.
There's a spare quilt on it.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work that one out.
Dan, there's something I want to talk to you about.
What now? I've packed some stuff.
What stuff? Just a few bits, for now, and what I think Smile, comrades! Dad! Will you put that thing away? No! I promised your mother I'd tape everything.
When she said everything she meant the church and the first dance, not breakfast, dinner and every trip to the toilet.
No, She doesn't want to miss anything.
Well, strictly speaking, she shouldn't put Auntie Pam before family commitments, should she? Message received! Loud and clear! Strictly speaking, Auntie Pam is family.
And Auntie Pam is ill! Show some compassion! I'm going to see to your mum.
Make sure these two are ready.
What did you mean you've packed some stuff? I'm sorry, Dan.
I just don't think I can do this any more.
As soon as this wedding is done with .
.
I'll be gone.
Greg? What are you doing? Nothing.
Where are you going, then? Got a few things to sort before this afternoon.
What things? Just a bit of business.
Business? On a Saturday? The world keeps revolving at the weekends, y'know.
You said that was the last of Gerry.
It is.
Look.
One phone.
One client to meet.
Two calls to make.
A shirt to pick up at the dry cleaners.
A beautiful girlfriend to meet at the church of the wedding of my best mate's mum and dad.
OK.
I think you've made your point.
Do you trust me? Of course I do.
Well chill out, then.
See you later? Don't be late.
Yeah.
Lisa! Lisa, please! Not now, Tanya, if you don't mind.
We need to talk! I just want to talk to you, please.
Well, I don't want to talk to you.
Look, Tanya, we have got a really busy day and I really need to get to Bianca's.
I am really sorry about what happened with Dan.
Nothing happened with Dan.
He told me everything.
I just meant I want to apologise to you for all the trouble that I've caused.
When I heard, when Dan told me, about you two, and your little night out, know what I thought? Typical slapper, that's what.
And I wanted to punch your lights out.
I don't blame you.
I'm not surprised.
I would be exactly the same, Lisa.
I mean if Bradley Will you shut the fuck up for a minute and let me speak? I didn't.
Because I was too upset.
I thought I'd be the first in the queue to deal out the punches if my man even looked at someone else.
But the truth is, I wasn't, because it hurt too much.
But, if you really must know? I'm over it now.
I don't want to keep going on about it.
What happens now is between me and him.
And it's nobody else's business.
Do you understand? Yes.
Everything OK? Yeah.
Yeah, everything's fine.
Well? Well what? The car? What car? Hi.
Can I help? Hi.
Yes, I've come to collect a ring.
Of course.
Mr Porter, isn't it? Thanks, yeah.
Happy? Delighted.
Thanks.
So, am I allowed to ask when you're picking your special moment? This afternoon.
We're going to a friend's wedding.
Oh, wow! Lovely! Well, I'm sure wherever you do it you'll get the answer you want.
I hope so.
Hiya, Frankie! I didn't expect to see you! It's a casting.
Why wouldn't you see me? Carol called us all.
She told me they loved my pictures.
Course they loved your pictures.
They want to see as many as they can so they get the right person.
Did Carol love your pictures too, then? Sure did.
Top five? At last! She gets it.
This is showbiz, honey.
Hello? Only me! Come in.
Oh, wow, Bianca, you look fabulous! Do you think so? Oh, I really need to get a move on.
Where's Pauline? Upstairs.
She should be ready in a minute.
Drum roll! Oh, my God! Pauline, you look divine! Do you think so? Not that bad, surely? Oh, I'm sorry.
What's up? I'm just a bit emotional.
That's weddings for you! I blubber at Home And Away! Imagine what I'm going to be like when they say, "I do"! Right, I best get a move on.
Will you two be OK without me while I sort the last-minute things at the pub? Thanks, love.
We'll be fine.
Gary! Do I have to wear this tie? Of course you do.
Take it off, love, if that's what makes you comfy.
I don't want anyone feeling uncomfy today.
Come here! See you later! Ta-rah.
So, uh What did they want, over the road? Oh, erm Bradley said he'll drive you to the church in Tanya's car.
Did he? Yeah.
Oh, God! That's very kind of him.
I thought you'd be up for it.
Judging by the look you gave her when she legged it over to you out there, that's not all it was about, neither, was it? No.
Something with her and our Dan? It's nothing.
Look, I've got to get dressed.
I'm not blind, Lisa.
I saw her with him on the drive a couple of weeks back.
Turned his head, didn't she? Not really.
I know her type.
Can spot them a mile off.
She's no different than Babs.
And all the other women that make a play for something that's not theirs.
She didn't get it, though, did she? What she wanted? No.
So you've won, haven't you? I didn't see it as a race, to be honest.
She just tried to apologise.
And what did you say? It's not as simple as that, Pauline.
Do you need me to have a chat with our Dan? It's gone a bit further than that.
I've told him I can't carry on.
I've told him I don't trust him any more.
Please don't hate me, Pauline.
I've tried so hard Why would I hate you, eh? This is me you're talking to here! And I've been through the mill, beaten up and back again, lady.
I didn't want this to happen.
I just wanted you to have a good day.
That's all I've wanted all along.
I know, love.
And I will.
Don't you worry about otherwise.
I better go and get dressed.
Lisa, love? Yes? Will you give me away? Me?! Yeah, you! But I thought you wanted Dan to do it? But Dan's being best man.
Doesn't seem fair that he gets to do everything.
What do you think? Come in.
I'm Beryl Bennett.
Oh, hi.
I'm Denise Bradwell.
How are you, Beryl? You can call me Beryl.
Have a seat, Miss Bradwell.
Great pictures.
Thank you! Flippin 'eck.
I'm sorry.
I'm just dead nervous.
And I get a bit tongue-tied so I never know what's the right thing to say, Mrs Barrett.
Bennett.
Mrs Bennett.
So, tell me about yourself.
Erm, I like Kylie.
I hate horror films.
I love cupcakes and super noodles.
But, erm sushi makes me vom.
Is that the kind of thing you're after? Oh, you look lovely.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, wow, Mum! You look really great.
Thanks, son.
There's been a slight change of plan.
What now? Your mum has asked me to give her away, so I'm going to be going to the church with her.
What? You can go with Charlie and me dad.
How come? I just thought it'd be nice, with you being best man and everything.
Is that OK? This is another convenient way to get at me again, isn't it? No, actually, it isn't.
Your mum asked me, and to be honest, I'm really honoured.
Afternoon all! Your carriage awaits.
What's he doing here? Hiya, love.
No offence, Bradley, but what's going on? Bradley said we could use Tanya's car.
You're going in the taxi.
Go on, son.
Get a move on! We don't want to be late, do we? Are you all right, old boy? Why do I feel faint? It's not like I've not done it before.
You're on stage.
It's normal to feel nervous.
But I'm used to being on stage.
Never got this nervous for a gig.
Your audience didn't quite carry the weight of the Lord above, though.
Don't worry, Dad.
If you do pass out at least I'm here to catch you.
And I'm here to film you.
So if he keels over, when we send it in, we can share the Ð250 between us! Do you want me to do it now or after we've said, "I do"? Smells musty in here.
It's a church.
It's in the handbook to smell musty.
Did you bring me inhaler? No.
Did you ask me to? What if I get an attack? Look what happened to Renee at St Paul's.
You're not laughing now, are you? We used to have a caravan in Fleetwood.
There was a bowling alley and a fried chicken hut and I've just got so many happy memories from being a little girl, just hanging out near the sand pit or waiting on the caravan step for my mum to make me a jam sandwich.
That's all I want for my Josh really.
Long summers, happy parents.
Jam.
Well, thank you, Denise, for all this.
But I think we've run out of time.
Oh, God, have we? Don't you need to know about my GCSES? Not really, no.
Good job, really, cos I've only got needlework.
I've never really seen the need for maths, have you? Well Our teacher had a wonky shoulder and it used to make me feel a bit queasy when he wrote on the board.
And fractions.
I've never used fractions.
Have you ever used fractions? Two-fifths of a cake plus four-fifths of a cake, how much cake have you got? I used to think, none, round at my house.
As soon as it's out of the wrapper it just gets scoffed! Bloody hell, Denise! I am so sorry! She kept asking me questions! You must've done OK then.
Oh, no, have I 'eck! I've done terrible.
Two hours isn't terrible.
I think I talked too much.
I've definitely put her off.
Don't be so negative.
I'm not being negative, Fergus.
I'm just being realistic.
All the girls were stunning.
So? You're stunning.
I'm talking Naomi Campbell's league.
I won't be offended if you don't think I'm in her league.
I'm not fishing for compliments or anything.
And I'm quite glad it's happened, if I'm honest.
Finally feel like I've got some closure.
What? Nothing.
Well, get a move on then.
We're going to be late! This is the only way to travel, isn't it? I know! We love it, don't we? So exciting! Thanks, love.
Thank you! Oh, thank you, Bradley! You've made her feel a million dollars doing this.
It wasn't my idea.
It was Tanya's.
Oh.
I thought it was yours.
Sorry.
She doesn't explain herself very well.
She was nervous, in case you went mad at her.
Like you wanted to at Dan? Look, Lisa, I know you don't like my wife, but she knows she's fucked up this time.
I'm sure she does.
She never means for anything.
She enjoys the chase, then it's over, and it's like nothing ever happened.
It's your marriage.
You don't need to explain yourself to me.
I know I don't.
But I'm the only one round here that knows how you feel, so anything that helps, I'm going to say it.
Are you ready? Ready as I'll ever be.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Ta! You look beautiful.
Thanks.
So do you.
Glad to hear it.
Thought I'd make an effort! Wow, look at you, girl.
Do you like it? I love it.
Dear friends, we are gathered here to witness and to celebrate the drawing together Sorry, sorry, sorry! .
.
of two very dear people, Pauline and Charlie, as they declare their love for one another in joining together in holy matrimony.
Again! Now, Pauline, if you could just step forward.
I, Charlie Johnson I, Charlie Johnson .
.
promise to try to remember to pick up my used towels and replace the loo roll when it's empty.
And I promise to be faithful and to love and honour you always, till death do us part.
I promise to try to remember to pick up my used towels and to change the loo roll when it's empty.
I also promise to be faithful, to love and honour you always .
.
till death do us part.
I, Pauline Johnson I, Pauline Johnson .
.
promise to try to remember not to use all the hot water in one go, and to learn how to shut the fridge door properly.
And I promise to be faithful and to love and honour you always, till death do us part.
I promise to try to remember not to use all the hot water in one go, and to learn how to shut the fridge door properly.
And I promise to be faithful and to love and honour you always, till death do us part.
O Lord, our God, we ask your blessing upon these rings that they may be constant symbols of unending love and devotion.
With this ring, I thee wed, and pledge my faithful love.
With this ring, I thee wed, and pledge my faithful love.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Again! You may kiss your bride! Did you and Terry have a big wedding, Margaret? Enormous.
A characteristic that's always dominated our relationship in one way or another, if I do say so myself, eh, love? A man after my own heart, eh, Terry? Here they are.
Bradley, you were right.
You are the only one who knows how I feel.
It made me feel a lot better, that chat.
So thank you.
Glad I could be of some use for once.
I'm actually glad that you and Tanya are making a go of it, sticking around.
You can't just throw it all away when you've got a family.
No.
No, you can't.
I just wanted everything to be back to normal.
So did T.
So you make it work.
You have to.
Is she coming here? For drinks, later? Hadn't planned on it, no.
Maybe you should give her a call and ask? Thanks, Lisa.
What was all that about? Nothing.
I was just thanking him for bringing your mum.
Least I can do.
Don't suppose you have, have you? I want to talk to you a minute.
What've I done now? Don't worry.
It's all good.
Are you actually being serious? Course I'm being serious! Greg Porter? But he said he wanted out! He told me he WAS out.
He was! He is! Why have they done this? I know a couple of people.
I can get him a good lawyer.
So was it a gang then? No, Dad! Greg's not in a gang.
Gerry's not even in a gang.
Who's Gerry? He's just a dealer.
Greg was doing some to-ing and fro-ing for him.
It was just some spare money.
Amber, you better keep your mouth shut.
Yeah.
We all best keep our mouths shut really.
I don't need to keep my mouth shut.
Why should we worry about keeping our mouths shut? We don't know anything about this.
Nor do I but if we start speculating we might get him in more shit than he actually is.
He's right.
You don't know who's here.
Hey.
Walls have ears.
But he hasn't done anything! He'd finished with it all! I am so sorry about all of this.
He didn't mean for this to happen.
Not at your wedding.
He didn't mean to ruin your wedding.
He hasn't, love! But what will ruin it is if everyone hangs around here crying about it all day.
I can't tell you the amount of times Charlie's been lifted.
He'll be out in the morning.
They've probably got nothing on him, anyway.
So, are we cutting this cake or what? Come on.
I know a good brief.
Tell me what he's done and what you know and I can help you.
You don't need to pack a bag.
I packed mine when I went back to get your dad and my dad before.
Did you? I don't see why you should go when I'm the one that's fucked everything up.
I won't make it difficult for you Lisa, I promise.
Erm Sorry about the drama, people.
We're pretty confident there's been a big mistake and Greg's going to be fine! But if you can all make your way up this end because the bride and groom would like to cut the cake! No, no, no, no! You're not meant to cut the cake yet, you're meant to cut it later on, after everyone's eaten.
But we're not opening the buffet till after everyone's had a drink.
I thought we agreed.
Vows.
Drink.
Food.
Party.
Speeches.
Cake.
What we should've said was - Drink.
Vows.
Drink.
Drink.
Party.
Cake and food just complicate matters.
How about speeches then? Let's do that.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you sure you don't mind? Let's not go over it again.
It's not my day.
It's Pauline's.
Just get yourself a drink.
One, two Excuse me! Excuse me, everybody.
Get on with it! Oh, God, I am so sorry! Right.
This is it.
This is where she's getting dumped.
No more, Carol.
No more dodgy assignments.
Closure.
Now I know I wasn't the perfect husband first time round.
Right! But I want to say something today that I have never said before, publicly.
And it is, thank you, Pauline, my lovely new wife Hey, makes me sound quite good that, "new"! Thank you for putting up with me all these years, and for having the grace to forgive me for all the things I did that were downright wrong and stupid.
That's the sign of a lady, y'see.
The ability to listen and reason.
The ability to smack me over the chops when I've been an idiot, tell me I've been an idiot, but then, to forgive me for being an idiot, and take me back so we can get on with our lives and do the things that make us smile.
Like, well, like all this.
Again.
Again! Never mind that she can drink me under the table and still roll a killer joint.
Wahey! She's still a lady.
She's my lady.
And I love her.
To Pauline! Pauline! Right, everybody.
Crowd round, it's time for the first dance.
Music, maestro.
Please! I chose this.
Dan, can I have a word? Not now, Lisa.
I'm just having another drink and then as soon as this dance is over I'm sneaking off and going.
What's up, babe? Is everything OK? I've got the job.
The catalogue lady.
She loved me, apparently! Only saw six more girls after me and said she'd made up her mind the minute I started talking.
They want me as the face of the new campaign! Four TV ads over the next six months and I'm going to be on the back of every bus in Manchester, Fergus! Brilliant, babe! I think I took things a little bit further than I probably needed to.
You had every right.
I don't blame you for this, Lisa.
I messed up and it's my fault.
I'm the one that's chucked it all away, not you.
As long as we can stay friends, and no more shouting .
.
I'll be fine.
You will be too.
But there's a little bit more to it than that, isn't there? Is there? I miss you, Dan.
I miss you too.
Do you remember when we talked about babies? Yeah.
Well, you were right, really.
I was being selfish.
Going on about me all the time.
All the MD stuff.
I mean, it's not like a woman can't have a career and a child.
I know, I've been trying to tell you this for the best part of the past four years! Yeah, well I shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss you.
Why are you telling me all this now? That night after Tanya's party.
I thought you were right, when you said we should start trying for a baby.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did! I did.
I just didn't want to admit it.
Erm After we'd got back and you crashed out, well, I was a bit pissed, so I went in the bathroom .
.
and I threw all my pills down the sink.
What?! Please don't go mad at me.
I just didn't want to make a big deal of it.
I know that's really bad, but I'm getting older and I know if we hadn't got pregnant straightaway, I would've been really stressed.
Well It looks like I didn't need to worry about it after all.
What? This morning .
.
in the bathroom when you thought I wasn't listening I was upset.
I couldn't face the thought of doing it on my own.
I didn't like the idea of bringing a child into this world when it's mummy and daddy weren't even speaking.
What child? Our child, Dan.
I'm pregnant.
I'd just done the test.
This morning.
In the bathroom when you walked in.
You're actually really properly pregnant? Yeah.
And I'm sorry I said I wanted you to leave.
I don't want that at all.
I want it to work.
Me and you.
And our own little family.
Actually fully pregnant? Yes.
Oh, God, Lisa! Do you want it to work? Course I do! And you're not cross at me for not telling you? I couldn't give a shit! You've just made me the happiest man on the planet! And I won't mention the Tanya thing ever again.
I promise.
I love you, Lisa.
I love you too.
I'm going to be a dad! This is so bloody brilliant.
Come on! Gary, could you, erm I thought we were saving the best man's speech till after the buffet? It's all right, Bianca.
It doesn't matter.
It's not a speech, I don't think.
It is a speech, but it's just a small one.
Mum and Dad, you look so great together, congratulations.
And Bianca, this is all fantastic.
Well done for sorting it all out.
You've been brilliant.
Oh, thank you, Dan! Where's Barry? What's crackalackin? Film this.
You need to film this.
We've got some news.
Me and Lisa are going to have a baby! Well, thanks a lot! Trust her to piss on my chips! It's meant to be my big day! And before you start, it's not calling me granny! It's Nan or Nana, thank you very much.
End of! Oh, darling! I am so proud of you.
You know your mum will be so pleased.
Urgh! Come on!