Mount Pleasant (2011) s05e01 Episode Script

Season 5, Episode 1

Ooh! Oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh.
What's up with you? What does it look like? I just stubbed me bloody toe on March to April, didn't I? Oh, actually, I need those this morning.
Take 'em down with you, will you? Hang on, what are you doing? I need the bathroom.
I'm getting ready.
But you're not even going to be leaving the house.
So? Just because we're in the process of moving offices does not mean to I can let standards slip.
It's called professionalism.
What? Speaking of which, you're late.
Aye-aye! Don't be shy - your mother wasn't.
What the?! How did you get in? Lisa gave me the spare key.
You're going to be late for work, aren't you? I stubbed my soddin' toe on January to March.
Mmm I heard you come in at 3am.
What's wrong? Couldn't you make it upstairs to your bedroom? I thought I did.
Ella? Hmm? I'm going to ask you something and I want you to promise to answer me honestly.
Have you been taking drugs? Ugh! And can you get hold of some for me? Sorry to disappoint you, Mum, but the state you'll find me in right now is all too legal.
Right, I will have you up and fighting fit for lectures.
Does a cure-all fry-up sound any good? Sounds great.
Good night? I can't remember.
Morning.
Morning.
OK, you're on coffee duty and make it extra strong for that one, please.
This isn't my jacket.
Ohh! There's no bread! I, um, brought that with me.
You came all the way over here with two slices of bread in your briefcase, did you? Yes.
There's a pot of yoghurt in the fridge, Dan.
That will keep you going till lunch.
Will it? It's bloody rhubarb! You know I can't have rhubarb.
It goes straight through me.
Dan, we are trying to work here.
It is nine.
Do you know what that means? It means we are clocked in, which means you should be too.
Don't make me dock your wages.
There are no perks to sleeping with the boss, not on my watch.
Yes, but I need I'll ding this chicken again, Dan.
Don't think I won't.
Look at it this way, Dan, the sooner you finish our new offices, the sooner you get your kitchen back.
Fine.
But come the revolution, you two are first against the wall.
I hope you know that.
Ho! Hmm, That's me.
Do you need running up to uni? No.
Hopefully the walk will wake me up.
See you tonight.
Bye.
Mwah.
Have a good day.
You too.
Bye.
Oi! Mwah.
Happy? Blissfully.
Morning.
Oh, I thought you weren't coming today.
Yes.
I Well, no.
Well, there was a christening but it got cancelled thank God! I can only hope they're reconsidering the name.
I mean, Dirk, for heaven's sake! So, I thought it wouldn't hurt, to come and grab an extra session with you From you, I mean.
OK.
Why don't you finish off that cigarette you're hiding before it sets your hood on fire, and I'll meet you by the bikes in five? The thing is, we are actually in the process of moving premises at the moment, but I am certain that we have got a couple of applicants that are exactly what you're looking for.
Yeah.
But I've just got to find them.
Do you mind if I put you on hold for a minute? Aw, thank you.
Right, where are those yellow applications? I don't know.
You must have moved them.
They were on the counter this morning - I saw them.
They can't just have got up and walked off by themselves, can they? Where did you put them? That's enough drawing for now, flower.
Don't blame me.
I haven't touched yellow.
I have been on pink and green since yesterday.
Oh, that's great, isn't it? We'll look like a right pair of bloody idiots now, aren't we? Hello.
I am sorry to keep Oh.
I was certain that I pressed "hold".
No.
No, I completely understand.
Thank you.
Bye.
Your door's locked.
What? Your door is locked.
It's Lisa.
She likes it locked during office hours.
Lisa what? Likes it locked during office hours.
I rang the bell.
Yeah, we've took the batteries out.
You what? She doesn't want cold callers.
I can't hear you.
She had us take the batteries out because she doesn't want Dad! This was a big mistake, Fergus.
We should have just shut up shop for the duration and started again when Dan and Greg had finished the new place.
That would have put us nearly two weeks behind.
Business doesn't work that way.
You know what happens to a shark when it stops swimming? It drowns.
How can a shark drown? Well, I don't know.
I'm not a marine biologist.
All right? I'm not interrupting, am I? Yes.
'Ere! Just saw your new neighbours' lad out there.
Phwoar! Blood and sand.
He's barely out of his teens.
So? I can look, can't I? Can't get you for looking! Brew? No.
We are working.
This is where we work.
I wouldn't mind a cup.
So, what are the rest of them like, then? Fitting in, are they? The rest of who? Your new neighbours.
I don't know.
I haven't met 'em.
Haven't met 'em? They've been here two weeks.
Dan's met 'em.
He says they're nice.
Pauline put the batteries back in.
You can't go round taking batteries out willy-nilly.
What if somebody needs you in an emergency? They'd probably have to bang on the bloody window, then, won't they? Right! One coffee and you're out of here.
You're taking Molly to the park, and me and you are going to properly get stuck in.
Think you're on a promise there.
Sounded more like a threat.
Hiya.
Just wanted to say hello and offer you Let me stop you there.
Whatever they are, I don't want them.
I work from home, and this is the middle of my working day, and I've already had all interruptions I can stand, so no offence, love, but try next door.
All right, Mum? Well, that's the last time I listen to you.
Go and get to know the neighbours? I went round to say hello and give her some coupons for me salon, and she practically told me to piss off.
Who did? Her, over the road the blonde.
Which one? Them all seem to be blonde on that side.
The mental one.
What the hell kind of paint did the use in this house? This is the thickest paint I could get, but it won't stop it.
Look, it's coming back through.
Are you listening to me? All right, all right.
What do you want me to say? You probably just caught her at a bad time, that's all.
Don't turn this into one of your things.
You always do this.
Take something the wrong way and Excuse me, but there isn't a wrong way to take how that women just spoke to me, Cameron.
You weren't there.
OK.
Arguing with me obviously isn't going to help, so you leave me no choice but to try distraction.
Cam No, I've got to open the salon.
Your assistant has got keys.
You're covered in paint.
Yeah, just the way you like it, baby.
I literally can't believe you just said that.
No, me neither.
I blame these pink walls.
Let me try another tack.
You've got ten minutes, Finn is up to his elbow in engine grease, Mum's downstairs with a hearing aid she hasn't worked out needed changing two days ago, so there's no-one to disturb us.
I'm thirsty.
Come on, then.
I'll get you some juice.
Ooh.
Then I'm off to work.
You can demonstrate the rest of your distraction technique later.
OK.
I might try out a few more of me lines.
Maybe just stick to the distraction.
Fair shout.
I really think she's sick of the park, Lisa.
Yeah, I know.
Bye! That's it.
That's the last of the nutters gone.
Hiya, Lisa.
Oh, God, Lisa, I am so sorry.
I forgot.
I totally forgot.
You forgot what? Thanks so much for doing this, Fergus.
I'll be back to pick him up by six.
What's going on? It's for an audition for an advert for the telly! Oh, I have been practising my sitting all week.
So, the bloke on it, he will say something like, "This three-piece leather suite was 899.
"Now down to only 595!" And I'll do something like this Are these yours? Are you all right, Lisa? Yeah.
I'm fine.
It's just nobody mentioned that we were having Josh for the day.
It totally slipped me mind.
I'm sorry.
Oh, dear.
If it's a problem, I could ring and cancel.
No.
No, I won't hear of it.
Go on.
You get yourself off to your audition.
Go on.
Break a leg.
Cos once you've gone, I'll be doing pretty much the same meself.
Where is everybody? Hello? Service! Oh, bugger this.
There was nobody here.
What? I'm going to pay for it! Hmm.
Well, all right, as long as you're there, I shall have a double Scotch, please.
Dress-down Monday, is it? No, I have just been to the gym, as it happens.
Aw.
I suppose you needed something to take your mind off Bianca.
Why does everyone keep saying that? We were friends.
She moved away.
I miss her, same as I miss any other friend.
You should have told her how you felt.
Things might have been very different.
I didn't feel anything.
We were just friends, I keep telling you.
For your information, I am not going to the gym to keep my mind off anything.
I'm going because I have decided it's high time I started living a much healthier lifestyle.
Double Scotch, was it? Yes, please.
Colin, I'm going to have to ring you back.
OK? You can't just leave! These conditions, Fergus, are not conducive to a healthy working environment, which is why I, as managing director, have decided that you need to keep things running here whilst I spend a day on site supervising construction.
Ah, but we're co-managing directors.
Ah, well, you should have thought of it first, then, shouldn't you? Have fun.
She's an absolute godsend.
I really lucked out because you know how some personal trainers can be a bit like militant drill instructors? And she's She's not like that at all.
She's funny, she's kind, she's clever, she takes a personal interest in all her clie What? I'm starting to think it's not the gym that's keeping your mind off things after all.
What's that supposed to mean? Hello.
You're new here, aren't you? Er, yeah.
Just covering, really.
Are you, now? I don't suppose you know how to make a tequila sunrise, do you? Pff! Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back? That's very good.
Why don't you have one for yourself while you're at it? Oh, thanks very much.
My pleasure.
All right? Fine.
Have you heard much from Charlie or your brother? We get a drunken postcard every week.
Never makes any sense.
We used to stick 'em up on the fridge, but then me mum started fake-crying every time she saw them.
You'd think they were off defending the bloody Falklands the way she carries on, not having the time of their lives gigging on a cruise ship.
I never quite worked out what Robbie actually does in this band.
Nothing.
He pretends to play the bass, doesn't even plug it in.
How he wangled me dad into letting him join, I'll never know.
I suppose he's the eye candy, like Howard in Take That.
You've been living in a house full of women for too long, mate.
I am starting to worry about you.
Anyway, you're thinking of Jason.
Yoo-hoo! Hiya.
What are you doing here? Hey! Well, I was I was just around the corner seeing my therapists - Drs Selfridges and Debenhams - and I just thought I'd pop in and say hi.
And I brought you some lunch.
Aren't I domestic? Anyway, listen, I can't stop long because I'm parked on a disabled spot, so I'll see you later.
Hi, Dan.
Bye, Dan.
What is it? Chicken and bacon.
Mmm Was that Tanya? Hello! What brings you down? Get off, knob head.
Two weeks and this is it?! Wow! It's perfect.
That will be .
.
£10.
40, please, love.
No.
No, I think we'll call this on the house.
How do you figure that? Well, I do own the place after all.
Tell you what.
You enjoy yours with with your friend here and, when you're done, why don't you pop by my office, which is just back there? This place will take months to finish.
We're never going to make it.
Fergus is right - we're going to drown.
We're going to drown like sharks.
How can a shark drown? Lisa, we're on schedule.
There aren't even any walls! These are the walls 'ere.
That's the hard bit done.
The rest is just plasterboard and set dressing.
We'll be finished in four days.
For days?! Look, this is the reception area, just like you wanted.
And back here are the two offices.
See? That's Fergus's and this, this is yours.
The door will go here and right there, in the middle, a big brass plaque - Lisa Johnson, managing director.
Brass plaque? Everything's under control.
You've been working too hard, that's all.
It's burnout.
Now, if you ask me, the best thing you can do right now is take a step back from it all.
In fact, there's one of them womanly beauty salons thingies next door.
Why don't you take the rest of the day off, pamper yourself? You saying I need beautifying? I'm saying you need some Lisa time.
Well I have been working very hard.
Hmm.
But I can't just take the afternoon off.
Lisa, you can do whatever you want.
You're the managing director.
Well, I do need me highlights doing.
There you go.
Four days? If that! Oh, and this isn't my office - that one is.
It looks bigger.
Hmm.
Hey! Four days? Yeah.
Let's just cross that bridge when we come to it, eh? Hi.
I haven't got an appointment, but I was wondering if No, you're fine.
Nothing booked till three.
The boss will be here any sec.
Take a seat.
Oh, thanks.
Hello.
Sorry, have we met? I am so sorry.
I just saw the leaflets in your hand and I thought Oh, you must think I'm a right nut job.
Not at all.
Forgive and forget, that's my motto.
Head back! I'm having to work from home at the moment.
I'm an MD of a small recruitment company and we're moving offices.
Really? Oh, the bloody builders.
Two weeks they've been at it.
If they're not drilling and sawing, they're blaring music out all day.
Music? Head forward! Anyway, I can't apologise enough.
I am so embarrassed.
Can we just start again? We already have.
So, where are these new offices of yours going to be, then? Um we're still scouting some places at the moment.
I could have just done a runner, you know.
Uh-huh.
Take a seat.
There was nobody behind the bar.
No.
That's cos we're closed.
I'd never normally do something like this.
I've been under a lot of stress.
Me husband and .
.
me only son, they're both stationed somewhere out on the ocean.
God only knows where.
I haven't had word for weeks.
I'm a sea widow.
Very distressing, I'm sure.
That gentleman you were with, I've seen him before.
He's the local vicar, isn't he? You know the local community quite well, do you? I suppose.
The chap who was running this place was haemorrhaging money, so I bailed him out.
That's what I do.
I take over failing businesses and I turn them round.
I'm putting the call out for staff proper this weekend, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to stay open in the interim IF I had someone behind the bar who knew the locals and could make a mean tequila sunrise.
What do you say? You mean you're not going to call the police? For what? Stealing a pint? Pff! I've been arrested for less than I mean Trevor.
Pauline.
Everything all right? OK.
So, now it's my turn to apologise.
I may have made a slight hiccup with the colouring.
What? It's not my fault - it's those builders next order.
I can barely concentrate.
Listen, it's not a problem, I can easily fix it.
We'll strip it out, then do it over.
It'll be like it never happened.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
All completely free of charge.
I mean, you won't even have to come in.
I'll personally come over yours tomorrow morning and do it there.
Tomorrow morning? Yeah.
Obviously, I can't do it now.
We'll have to let that one dry in and settle first.
Dry in and What have you done? What colour is it? What colour is it?! Amy? Busy, isn't it? I didn't realise it would be this busy.
I've never done telly before.
I'm Denise, by the way.
Brandy, and this is Zoe.
Who are you with? I came by myself.
I meant, which agency.
Oh First-Rate Modelling.
Right, I'd call that clocking-off time.
Hey, what are you doing? I want to get back.
Me and Tanya are going out for a meal tonight.
Never mind that.
You're not going anywhere till all this stuff is in the van.
I'm not leaving it here overnight.
Oh.
Going for a meal Can't remember the last time I went for a meal.
Don't be bitter.
I take it everything next order is still all green meadows and the bluebirds, is it? Yeah.
Yeah? You know, you could have pretended there was at least some dysfunction there, just to make me feel a little bit better.
Sorry, mate.
No, don't be.
I'm pleased for you.
I'm glad everything worked out.
It's about time you settled down.
Funny, I've been thinking the same thing myself lately.
What's that? It's about time I settled down, officially.
How do you mean? I mean, I'm thinking of asking her to marry me.
What?! All right, Nan? Of course I'm not all right.
I don't like this room and I don't like this street.
It smell funny.
It smell worse than that stuff you're always smoking in the bathroom.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that and I'll pretend I didn't hear you complaining again.
You'd think we'd move to the seventh circle of hell, not eight miles across town.
Eight miles too far.
Are you going to drive me to the community centre every week? Or to bingo on Friday? No, you are not.
That's my social life up the stony, then, isn't it? Yeah, well, you had a little too much social life, if you ask me.
Half that community centre will be glad to see the back of you, mostly the wives.
I can't help it if I'm still seen as a sexual being.
God, don't say that, Mum.
Christ, can you not hurry up and become senile so we can stick you in a home, or something? I wish you would.
I might get to see some action there.
I wouldn't have told you if I thought I'd get a lecture.
I'm just giving you a warning from history, that's all.
And I know what you're like.
You rush into these things.
We've been living together nearly a year - it's hardly rushing.
No, but it was hardly the most normal of courtships, either, was it? Bradley is no longer an issue.
He accepted we were together and he moved on.
He moved on because he knew the police were coming after him, that's why he moved on.
Yeah, and they caught him.
So, like I said, no longer an issue.
And if you must know, the divorce came through two months back.
Did it? You never told me.
That's because we don't talk about him, any of us, it's ancient history.
And not a word about this to Lisa either.
Capiche? Capiche?! Give us a smile, you bitter, old married sod.
Oh, get off! Hey, you want to get used to this expression, mate, because you'll be wearing it yourself soon enough.
THIS is a married expression! THIS is a "I wonder what's awaiting me at home tonight" expression! Rubbish.
You make it sound like you can't even go through your own front door without walking into a crisis or something.
Dan, Dan, it's Lisa.
It's pretty bad.
What do you mean? What's happened? Where is she? Upstairs.
Yes.
Now, listen, Dan, whatever you do, you cannot laugh.
Seriously, he's not joking.
Do not laugh.
Ow! Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I couldn't help it.
It was just a bit of a shock, that's all.
A bit of a shock?! How the hell do you think I feel? I looked like Cyndi bloody Lauper.
To be fair, Cyndi Lauper's red.
That's more of a bright neon orange OK.
OK.
What happened? What happened? Our new neighbours, that's what happened.
She did this on purpose.
Who did? Her! Her across the road.
All because I told her to sling her hook earlier, which was a mistake anyone could have made.
She had these leaflets and that doorbell wasn't supposed be working anyway.
What?! I tell you what.
If she thinks she's going to get away with this, she's got another think coming.
You should have heard her! The language! I said it was an accident.
You know what she said? "There's no such thing as accidents.
" She actually accused me of doing it on purpose.
And did you? I wish I had.
I wish I had shaved her bloody bald.
So, now they hate us.
Oh, who cares? I do.
I care.
I'm not having it, not this time.
It's the Patersons all over again.
The Pat They trained that dog to crap in our yard and you know it.
Right, get up.
Hey, what are you doing? Finn, you're baby-sitting tonight.
I was going out.
Now you're not cos we are.
Come on, up you get.
We're going over there now, we're sorting this out, then you, me and Mum are taking them out for a drink, like nice, proper, friendly neighbours.
You know, you could take him home.
Denise could just as easily pick him up from yours.
Um Nah, you're all right.
Am I? Oh, good! Hi.
Dan, isn't it? We spoke briefly last week? Cameron.
And this is my wife Jenna, who I imagine you've heard about.
We thought it best to come round.
Oh.
Right, yeah.
Um Come in.
Um Our new neighbours have popped over to say hello.
That's Barry, Lisa's dad.
What's crackalackin'? Oh, yeah, and that's Fergus.
He's, um here.
Who's this? Ah, that's Molly.
She's gorgeous! What is she, about one? We've got a little two-year-old at home.
Oh, the terrible twos.
Mine's three and he's still going through them.
Spent the whole afternoon running round in circles.
Bet yours is the same, eh? No.
Lisa? Yeah? Hey! Look who's 'ere! Ijust wanted to apologise again for the and to promise you I will fix it.
And that if you do choose to visit the salon again, all treatments will be completely complimentary for the next three .
.
for the next six months.
Oh, that's a nice gesture, isn't it, Lisa? And handy, with your new offices being right next door.
What? And I'm sure you've got something to say to Jenna, too .
.
about this morning.
I've already said sorry for that.
Yes, well, perhaps you'd like to say it again to our new neighbours, who will probably be living right opposite us for the foreseeable future.
I'm sorry.
Those are your offices next door? Great! Well, in the continued interest of peace relations, we'd like to invite you to join us down the local for a quick drink - all of you.
What do you say? Oh Oh, we can't really leave Molly, so No, you go.
Go on.
I've got to wait for Denise anyway.
Well, I'm game.
Well, I can't really go anywhere right now, can I? You can wear a hat.
It doesn't look that bad.
Well, we're going to head down there now so, if you fancy it, the first round's on me.
Yeah? Takes a long time, this, doesn't it? So, um, who are you with? Lacey's.
Oh.
You should call them.
They're hiring at the moment.
Thank you.
My agent's been really good, though.
He got me on Myra cosmetics.
You part of the New York campaign? No.
Bolton.
Thanks.
Denise Bradwell? Oh, that's me.
So, Denise Bradwell, it says you're with First-Rate Modelling.
Something wrong? Oh, I thought there'd be a sofa.
I've been practising on a sofa.
No, no sofa.
Just turn to your left for me, please.
And the right.
OK.
Thanks for coming.
We'll be in touch.
Is that it? That's it.
Thanks again.
OK.
Bye.
Brandy! Always a pleasure.
Sorry to have kept you waiting till last.
Not at all.
This way.
I don't think much of this place.
There's a shocker! I'm going to the toilet.
Great! Keep us informed of any further developments, won't you? Oh, ye of little faith.
What? Oh, I'm sorry, love.
It just popped into me head.
Hey, you made it.
Well, I'll get them in, as promised.
Dan, you want to give us a hand? All right, Roger? This is Yes, yes, I do know the Millers.
Hello, Cameron.
THEM I see every Sunday.
Yeah, well, we're more of a "home faith type" in our house.
Huh! More like "they don't get up till 11 type"! Mum! What are you doing back there? I work here, don't I? Since when? Since about one o'clock this afternoon.
So, you the new neighbour? I see where your lad gets his looks from.
Mum! What? It's a barmaid banter, isn't it? That's how you make the big tips.
So, what can I get you, love? So, how long have you been running the salon, then? Eight years.
I actually own two.
There's another in Trafford.
Or, so it's a franchise? Hmm.
That's what we want to.
That's why we moved to the high street.
I'll have to pick your business brains some time.
Oh.
Playing nice, I hope? Yes.
Of course.
Thank you.
Who's that for? The toilets here, them is Oh, Cameron, you're not going to introduce me, then? Yeah, sorry.
Everyone, this is my mother.
Mum, this is Lisa Mum, this is Barry.
Hello, Barry.
All right? Oh, hiya.
Where is everyone? Well, Molly and Josh are both upstairs asleep, and the rest of them are in the pub.
What, left you here on your own? Yeah.
I've got to stay here till they get back.
It's a right pain.
How did the audition go? Hmm.
I don't know.
I didn't get to do my sit and everyone was in there, like, 30-odd minutes.
I was in and out in, like, one.
That could be a good sign.
Maybe they saw you and decided on the spot.
It's them.
Hello? Speaking.
Uh-huh.
OK.
No, I understand.
Can I just ask you? Sorry, Denise.
Don't be daft.
I'm not bothered.
It was a last-minute thing, anyway.
I'll go and fetch Josh.
Sure you OK? Yeah.
Fine.
A copper? He's a copper, Bazza.
Have you got your own squad car? Back at the station, yeah.
I'm on holidays at the moment, decorating the house.
But when you are back at work, though, you'll sometimes bring it home with you, will you? Oh, for God's sake, Dan.
Why don't you just ask if you can play with the siren and be done with it? They never grow up, do they? Tell me about it! Hey! Sorry, went down t'wrong hole.
It looks like me and you are the only non-lightweights.
I'll get us a top-up.
Don't listen to Lisa.
I was only asking about the car because I figured it would be good for the neighbourhood, you know? A visible police presence and all that.
I mean, you're probably not even allowed to let civilians behind the wheel, are you? Has anyone ever told you you look like Des Lynam? Oh.
I don't understand.
You just walked in and a guy offered you a job? Yes, something like that.
What can I say? I've got a trustworthy face.
Technically, I'm not allowed to let you drive it, but you're welcome to come on a ride-along.
Ride-along?! He said we can go on a ride-along, Baz.
You know what it is? I think it's the moustache, with all the little grey bits at the side.
I think some of that's beer foam.
Oh, let me get that for you.
No! What the?! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
It was an accident.
An accident?! I thought there was no such thing as accidents, or do they only count when you're the one doing them? Jenna.
Excuse me, are you trying to say I did this on purpose? Lisa.
Oh, no.
I'm sure you'd never be that passive-aggressive, would you?! "Passive"? I'm the one who's been dragged down 'ere wearing this stupid hat.
All you've got is a little stain.
OK, let's just calm down.
Little? Do you know how much this blouse cost? About ten times as much as that thing.
And you know what? If you don't like wearing it, take it off! How dare you? Right, not on my first night, you don't.
The pair of you, take it outside.
Come on! Come on! Both of you, out.
Well, that went well.
Oh.
Maybe you need a new agent? That's an amazing face.
You've got your staff now.
Front-line troops, Pauline.
I still need a general.
I've got quite a fun one coming up at church this Sunday.
You should come along, if you're interested.
You've been married, what, 15 years and you're happy.
Everything is all right, isn't it? Is that Burberry? Yeah, why? Our Molly's got the same one.
That one's genuine.
She nicked our Molly's dress.
She nicked what?!