Mr Black (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 MAN: Call Angela.
SIRI: Calling Angela.
ANGELA: You've called Angela.
Leave a message.
Hi! You're probably meditating.
Hey, I thought I'd get Tomano's for dinner tonight.
I've got a Chilean pinot to go with it.
We can pretend to be adults just for a laugh.
Oh, one more thing.
Um, would you mind watching those final three eps of Broad City? It's just that I've got this Queer Eye marathon on, you know.
[PHONE RINGS] It'll take up at least 15%.
Ugh, you've got to be kidding.
Um, hey, I've got to go.
[HONKS HORN] - Mate, what are you - [HONKS HORN TWICE] - Ah, come on.
- [HONKS HORN LONGER] - [METAL AND GLASS CRUNCHES] - Jeez.
[OTHER DRIVER HONKS] - [METAL AND GLASS CRUNCHES] - Jesus.
[MULTIPLE HORNS HONKING] Soft cock.
They're for asking you to delete Broad City.
You didn't have to.
I realised we could delete The Americans.
I can stream it any time.
- Dad's here.
- What happened? You know how he had all that back pain? - Yes.
- Well, he's been diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis.
Oh, shit.
That's awful.
I mean, I don't know what that is, but it sounds awful.
He might have to go into low-care accommodation.
- Really? Wow.
That's so young.
- Not only that.
He was road raged when he was on the phone to his specialist.
[GROANS, CHUCKLES] I actually had a road rage thing today, too.
I mean, what kind of idiot loses their shit at a guy on an electric scooter? Wow.
Things are a bit weird at the moment with this solar new moon eclipse.
Oh, don't mention astrology to Dad.
He thinks it's bullshit.
- What's his sign? - Taurus.
- Oh, yeah.
Makes sense.
- I I said he could stay here until we find somewhere more appropriate.
Well, at least I'll I'll get to finally meet him.
It'll just be a week.
Two at the most.
[RADIO ON IN THE BACKGROUND] RACE CALLER: Leonardo da Hinchi burns in for a run from Green Ivy.
runs in front.
Muswellbrook's got him.
Leonardo's getting out now.
Will he make it in time? - Hi.
Nice to finally - Shh.
Leonardo's flying.
- Leonardo da Hinchi takes the lead.
- [GROANS QUIETLY] - He's got the win.
Leonardo - You little [TURNS RADIO OFF] Who have we got here? Dad, this is Fin.
Fin, this is my dad, Peter Black.
- Pleased to meet you, Fin.
- Nice to meet you, too, Peter.
- Mr Black.
- Mr Black.
Dad was the sports editor of the Post for 10 years.
- He covered three Tours de France - No.
- 20 grand finals - This is - five Summer Olympics.
- Six.
Just the six.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Who's your team, Fin? Australia.
- Would you care to be more specific? - Fin's a writer, too, Dad.
Really? What do you write? Oh, it's no big deal.
I just I write ads.
- What ads? - Tell him about the dancing car ad.
- He won a Golden Lion for that one.
- Uh, it's a visual concept.
I don't - Oh, go on.
He'll get it.
- Really? Alright.
Um, yeah.
So, there's this guy in the desert, right? He's run out of water, 50-degree sun beating down on him.
Then in the distance, he sees a breakdancing robot, which miraculously turns into a Nissan Pulsar and takes him straight to Darwin.
- And you wrote that? - Mm-hm.
In crayon, or did you use kiddie paints? [CHUCKLES] Well, it won a Golden Lion, so Do you want a beer, Dad? Is the English cricket team South African? - I'll take that as a yes.
- Pinot? What? Fin bought a really nice bottle of Chilean pinot.
- No, no.
I'll join your dad in a beer.
- Are you sure? I thought you said beer upset your tummy.
- No! [CHUCKLES] - Okay.
Where'd you get the food from? Uh, Tomano's.
Tomano's? Only got two and a half stars on Yelp.
Really? Oh, well, I think they're great.
One review said what they lack in quality, they make up for with butter.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well, you know the kinds of weirdos that write those reviews.
- I wrote that one.
- Yeah, that one's quite funny.
That one I was just talking about Yelp reviews in general.
Um, sort of not [CLEARS THROAT] Um, in fact, I was reading them the other day, and and one author wrote, um, "waffles", plural, with an apostrophe-S.
You know, I didn't think that anyone in your generation cared about that stuff.
See, I read one this morning about a cafe with lots of goodies.
- "Lots", apostrophe-S - [GROANS] "of goodies" wait for it Y-apostrophe-S.
- Oh, come on.
- It's madness.
- Yeah! Right? - What world are we living in? - Beers all around.
- Aha.
Thank you, my darling.
I'll take mine in my room.
- What about dinner? - No, no, no.
Not for me, thank you.
[HISSES] Ooh, excuse me.
- I think he likes you.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Might wait for my Yelp review.
I'm just going to move my car.
Ah, I'm in here.
Angela said this could be my toilet.
Hence the rails.
Yeah.
I I saw the rails.
Um, Okay.
Sure.
Next time, I'll use the normal toilet.
You proposing this is an abnormal toilet? No.
No, no, no.
I was just saying that I'll use the toilet without rails next time I use the toilet.
[MOCKING]: Beer hurt your tummy? No, I'm doing a wee, if you must know.
You sit down to wee? No splashback.
A lot of guys do it.
Guys might.
Men don't.
Swing by my room when you're done.
Make sure you wash your hands.
[URINATES] MAN ON TV: Three additional minutes at the end of the first period - of extra time - [KNOCKS SOFTLY] due to the injuries.
I thought you hated pinot.
I'm not a quitter, Fin.
Take a seat.
You're used to that.
Mate, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
I have severe ankylosing spondylitis, and it's slowly ossifying the joints in my spine.
Michael Slater's got it, former England captain Mike Atherton, and me.
So, all the greats? [CHUCKLES] See, my legs are weak.
The disease stops me from doing certain things.
But it doesn't stop me from punching an arsehole in the neck.
Now, before I'm shuffled off to some filthy facility, I want to make sure that my daughter is in the best hands possible.
So I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
- Oh, Peter, I - Ooh.
Mr Black, it's it's late.
- Maybe we can do this tomorrow.
- So I'm going to ask you a series of questions, and you're going to try and convince me that you're not special.
- Understand? - Okay.
[LIGHT BUZZES QUIETLY] [EXHALES] How long have you and Angela been together? - Eight months.
- And you moved in three months ago? Correct.
- Do you love her? - Yes, I do.
Have you ever engaged in intravenous drug use? - No.
- Receptive anal sex? Receptive? No.
No.
Ju No.
No.
I haven't dabbled either/or, give or take.
I What's the former name of the Indian city currently known as Mumbai? Um, Bombay.
Table salt has two chemical elements.
- Chlorine's one.
What's the other one? - Sodium.
In Greek mythology, what did Prometheus steal from Zeus - to give to mankind? - Fire.
What's Paul McCartney's middle name? [EXHALES] Nathan? That'll be all.
How did I go? I'll be passing on my recommendations to Angela.
What would those recommendations be? Flynn, do you drive a 2005 metallic silver Mini Cooper convertible, rego WIC 927? No.
Thank you.
[BIRDS CHIRP] RACE CALLER: [ON RADIO] two lengths, the inside of El Paso.
- A couple of lengths - Fuck.
Come on you bastard! Get up! Here we go.
He just FIN: It's fine.
[GRUNTS] I'll just grab that.
Oh.
Put your bathers on.
- We're going swimming.
- No.
I'm fine.
Thank you.
Go on.
It'll be good for you to get to know each other.
You've got to have a team.
What do you mean you don't have a team? - Well, I just don't really - Congratulations.
- You now barrack for Collingwood.
- Great.
See? You're welcome.
We cater for good people and dickheads.
What's with the camera? To catch any acts of bastardry, like pissing or spitting in the pool or anyone dive-bombing on unsuspecting swimmers.
I film it, and I upload it to poolpricks.
com.
- [LAUGHS] - What's funny? Uh, nothing, nothing.
I'm just really enjoying our time together.
- That makes one of us.
- [YELPS IN PAIN] INSTRUCTOR: I reckon you ladies, um, might want to think about jumping on in, and we'll we'll start.
OK, ladies.
You ready? We're going to heat things up.
You look great.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS] Here we go.
We're feeling it.
We're loving it.
That's it.
Get in there.
Knees up nice and high.
Let me see them out of the water, because you're looking fit.
You're feeling fit.
You feel fantastic.
Get ready for the wide step.
Ready? You look fit.
You look great.
Stay in there.
Good work.
Clenching through the abs there.
Lovely! I'm loving it.
Are you loving it? [MUFFLED MUSIC] Twist, twist, twist.
Good work! Protect those knees! [MUFFLED SHOUT] Now, knees up nice and high.
[MUFFLED SHOUT] Is he is he with you? Is that? Is anyone with him or? Is he? Did you see him, him with the? That guy hasn't come up yet! Someone help him! WOMAN: Hurry up! Hurry up! Come on, ladies.
Maybe just maybe just make some room.
Ladies, give him a hand there! Clear some space.
WOMAN: Careful! - Easy.
- Watch his head.
- Oh, help him! - [FIN PANTS] Is he going to be OK? Please, God Is he breathing? - I think I saw him move.
- Are you his carer? No.
I'm just the soft cock he doesn't want dating his daughter.
[COUGHS] [GROANS] I'm alright.
I'm alright.
Bugalugs here obviously did a bloody first aid course.
Sir, this gentleman just saved your life.
Just calm down, man hands.
Excuse me? Seriously, don't you get tired of having to open jars for your husband? Alright, smartass.
What collectively are a murder? - Uh, crows.
- An exaltation? - Uh, larks.
- An unkindness? Ravens.
In what Bob Dylan song would I hear the words "Johnny's in the basement "mixing up the medicine I'm on the pavement"? Ah, the music questions really stump you, don't they? No.
Um, "Subterranean Homesick Blues.
" Bah-bow "Positively 4th Street.
" Uh, I think you'll find it's "Homesick Blues".
The video trends every year on his birthday.
Trends? Piece of art, you dildo.
You know what? I think I'm doing pretty well with all your music references, given I'm not in possession of a cassette player.
Yet.
Hey, Flynn, why don't you bugger off and let my daughter find a real man? Firstly, it's Fin.
And secondly, why don't you bugger off? Because I'm her father, and I want to make sure there's someone there to look out for her when I'm gone.
Oh, like you nearly were 10 minutes ago.
Get over it! Just because you can blow a bit of air into a bloke's lungs doesn't make you a man.
I'm going out with her, not him.
And if she needs him to tell her what she thinks of me, then, you know, it calls into question whether she's someone I want to be with at all.
[SIGHS] Yeah, yeah.
I'm happy to go on to the 24-month plan with unlimited text and 16 gig of data.
Thanks.
Oh, Abdul, just email me through the customer survey.
I you know, someone's here.
I No, no.
Very satisfied, very satisfied.
I just can't right now.
I've got to Nothing more you can help me with, mate.
Okay.
Bye-bye, mate.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
No.
Satisfied, very.
Hi.
Hi.
Everything's fine.
I just want to let you know that I'll be finding alternative accommodation - while your dad's staying here.
- No.
That's ridiculous.
Not ridiculous.
No, no.
He clearly wants to undermine me.
And no offence, babe.
You're not doing much to stop him.
[CHUCKLES] So, you're frightened of someone with ankylosing spondylitis? No, I'm frightened of a sociopath with ankylosing spondylitis.
- What? - You know, I bet ankylosing spondylitis isn't even an actual thing.
You're reaching, Fin.
Siri, is ankylosing spondylitis an actual thing? SIRI: Yes.
Wow.
Maybe Dad's right.
Maybe you don't have the ticker for a long-term relationship.
I have the ticker.
I have the ticker.
I just don't want my life ruined by someone who's willing to die while filming women underwater without their consent.
What is wrong with you? You're talking about my dad, Fin.
Yeah, he did that.
He did.
You ask him.
Well, you obviously have a low opinion of him.
And now, you're giving up on us.
No, no.
Look, look.
It's just for a couple of weeks, alright? We'll get things back on track once he moves into care.
Unless, of course, he's staying for longer than a couple of weeks.
Yeah, because people don't usually install handrails in the toilet - for just two weeks, do they? - [MOUTHS "NO"] In which case, maybe that's a conversation that we could have.
I'll be at the City Inn on Compton Street.
I'm pretty sure City Inn doesn't have Netflix.
Yeah, well, that's just a risk I'm willing to take.
[SCOFFS] WOMAN: [ON VIDEO] Angie, look at me, darling! Angie, give us a smile! [DOG BARKS] Barney, Barney! Come here, Barney.
Come on, boy! Oh, aren't you a good boy? [LAUGHS] MR BLACK: [ON VIDEO] Not on the lawn, Barney.
Not on the lawn, mate.
Get him! You and Mum in happier times.
- [LAUGHTER ON VIDEO] - Yeah.
MR BLACK: [ON VIDEO] That's a good lawn ruined.
It wasn't all bad, you know.
BOTH: Aw.
Is that it? No, there's more where that came from.
Ah, capital of Sierra Leone.
- Freetown.
- Oh! - That's easy.
- She's good.
Been taught by the best.
What's this? Oh, no.
Don't Hey.
Hey.
- This isn't you, is it? - No, of course it's not.
Hey.
Angela Geraldine Black, co Give that back this instant, please! Now, do not close that door! [LOCK CLICKS] Angie, unlock the door, please! [KNOCKS] Hey! [KNOCKS CONSTANTLY] INSTRUCTOR: Are you his carer? No.
I'm just the soft cock he doesn't want dating his daughter.
MR BLACK: [ON VIDEO] I'm alright.
I'm alright.
Bugalugs here obviously did a bloody first aid course.
Sir, this gentleman saved your life! [CAR HORN HONKS] ["SUBTERRANEAN HOMESICK BLUES" PLAYS] Johnny's in the basement mixing up the medicine I'm on the pavement thinking about the government The man in a trench coat, badge out, laid off Says he's got a bad cough, wants to get it paid off Look out, kid It's something you did God knows when but you're doing it again You better duck down the alleyway Looking for a new friend A man in a coonskin cap in a pig pen Wants 11 dollar bills You only got 10 Maggie comes fleet-foot Face full of black soot Talking that the heat put Plants in the bed but The phone's tapped anyway Maggie says that many say They must bust in early May Orders from the DA Look out, kid Don't matter what you did Walk on your tiptoes Don't tie no bows Better stay away from those [PHONE RINGS] - Hello? - You were right.
This place doesn't have Netflix.
But it does have a mirror on the ceiling.
[CHUCKLES] I was wondering if you'd be amenable to me coming home.
That'd be really good.
- [TOILET FLUSHES] - Tell Angie I said hi.
Oh, and, uh I left the seat down for you.
Your dad says g'day.
[CHUCKLES] So, what do you think? Is it Chilean? - No, it's from New Zealand.
- Close enough.
I prefer it, actually.
It's, um, it's crisp, yet it lingers on the palate.
It'll go very nicely with Angela's carbonara.
- Completely agree.
- Mmm.
Mate, I'm booked in for an assessment next week at a low-care accommodation facility.
Who knows happens to people in these places, but And despite our initial difficulties, I'm assured that Angela has found the right man.
That's all I've ever wanted for her.
I really appreciate you saying that.
So, uh how long until you work up the balls to ask me for a turn on my scooter? [LAUGHS] No, I would never be so presumptuous.
You know, people say to me, "Mr Black, "it's so sad that you have ankylosing spondylitis.
" But you know, along with the condescension comes a 110-amp motard with all-around suspension and a 250kg payload.
It's quite a beast.
I think so.
You can try it out for yourself.
- No.
I couldn't.
I shouldn't.
- No, go on.
Roll a mile in my shoes.
Really? It wouldn't be, like, ableist or anything? It's not like you're stealing a blind guy's seeing eye dog.
Alright.
Yeah.
Okay.
Alright.
Give us a go.
Alright.
Now, you see that toggle on the right? - Yep.
- Yeah.
Pull that towards you - to go in reverse.
- Alright.
Oh! [GRUNTS] [GROANS] You OK, mate? You said to pull the toggle on the right to reverse! - No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
You think I don't know my own scooter? I'm physically incapacitated.
I'm not a moron.
And I saw your car at the hotel.
2005 metallic silver Mini Cooper convertible, rego WIC 927.
- I guess that makes us one-all.
- One-all? You repeatedly smashed my car! You broke the headlights, and you wrecked the grille! Oh, that's right.
It's two-nil.
Got to make it best of five, snowflake.
It's not like I'm going anywhere.
[WHISTLES TUNE]