Mr Black (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

Ow Oh, dear.
There is a chlamydia epidemic in Melbourne.
You had a check-up, Fin? I think I would know if I had chlamydia.
No.
No.
No.
There are no symptoms.
Worst-case scenario, you give it to Angie, she doesn't know she's got it, ends up infertile.
That's being a bit dramatic, Dad.
Which would be tragic if she ever meets someone, - wants to start a family.
- Dad! That's enough.
Maybe we should get checked out, though.
Then we can forego the oncay omsday.
In the meantime, you two should not engage in any sexual activity whatsoever.
Even with oncay omsday.
They're not 100% reliable, right You [THWACK!] There's a dead fly.
Malcolm sends his regards.
Not to you.
Anyone needs me, I'll be in my room watching the Pies dismantle the Doggies.
You know, I think your dad greatly exaggerated the number of people in Melbourne with chlamydia.
Well, we'll get our results back soon anyway and all will be well.
He'll probably want to see the document with the results on it.
I will! If it was good enough for Mark to show me his results, it's good enough for you, mate.
It's like living under the Stasi.
I only want what's best for Angela.
Well, the joke's on him because when the tests come back we'll be able to go au naturel.
And he would have inadvertently made us 7% happier.
You know, I do some of my best work without condoms.
And you haven't, you know, been the beneficiary of that work as yet.
Are you sure you want to overhype your performance? Oh, it can't be overhyped enough.
Critics will call it "a high-octane thrill ride".
As long as they don't call it "thought provoking and laugh-out-loud funny".
No.
No.
It'll be fun for the whole family.
- Ooh.
.
- I can not believe I just said that.
- Mm-mm.
- Neither can I.
Hey, I love talking dirty with you, but I've got an article to write.
Why don't you go watch football with Dad? - What?! - It'll be a great bonding experience.
And it'll make him feel better when he finds out you're STD-free and he's forced to accept you.
I'm in the middle of Leave your cupcakes.
I'll put them in the oven.
[SIGHS] If I'm not back within an hour, call the police.
- [TV COMMENTARY IN THE BACKGROUND] - you bloody nut head! Hold the ball! Come.
It would be nice to watch a bit of the footy with you.
COMMENTARY: [ON TV] Not so good there by Smith.
- [SNAPS FINGERS] - Treloar.
Even though the tackle was oncoming, he still had the awareness to get rid of it.
Duggan, down in the back there - Ball! - Jeez Oh, you would have seen it if it was a hot dog.
- Because the umpire's fat.
- Oh.
Oh, mate, that would have crushed in Bay 13.
- How'd your test go? - Uh, great.
- Did you get the full battery? - Yep.
Yeah.
Got all of them.
You must be scared, sitting here, waiting for your results, thinking about all those viruses and sexually transmitted diseases that are probably coursing around your veins as we speak.
Oh, no.
No.
I think I'll be okay.
And if I'm not, I'll just take a pill three times a day for the rest of my life.
Not in this house you won't.
[SIGHS] So, is, um Cazaly playing today? No.
Why do they punch the ball like that instead of just throwing it? Because you can only kick, punch or tap the ball.
It is not a game of throws.
Well, how come that guy just threw the ball? 'Cause he's the umpire.
Oh, fly for it! Oh, shit, we're getting smashed in the air again.
Oh, what?! What Why was that a free kick? Because he was tackled with the ball.
But the blue and red guy, he was just tackled with the ball, he wasn't penalised.
No.
Because he convinced the umpire, who's a dick, that he was attempting to get rid of it.
Oh, so whether you win or lose depends on whether the umpire is a dick.
- Pretty much.
- Oh.
- And most umpires hate Collingwood.
- Why's that? Because we're rich and all our players have hair and most umpires are bald.
- [MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND] - Is that music driving you nuts? Um, no.
It's okay.
I mean, it's a weekend.
You can't play loud music on a Saturday afternoon.
It's a sacred time, reserved by our forefathers for sport and mowing the lawn.
It's not that bad.
Must be having a barbecue.
directly in front Nah.
Nah.
This is bullshit.
- Whatwhat are you doing? - Nuh.
Mr Black, what are you? - [RINGS DOORBELL] - [MUSIC PLAYS] Hi.
I'm Peter Black.
I live next door.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Ayesha Balla.
- Would you like to come in? - No.
No.
Thank you.
I would appreciate it, however, if you would lower the volume of your music.
I'm sorry, but no.
Well, I'm sorry, but your music is disturbing the peace.
It's 4:00pm.
I'm entitled to play my music at a reasonable level.
And I'm entitled to enjoy our native game without an ethnic soundtrack.
Why don't you use headphones if the ethnicity of the soundtrack bothers you so much? Are you aware that that weed is encroaching on my side of the fence? You may want to call your landlords and ask them to have it trimmed.
You know what? I just spoke with my landlords and they told me to tell you to eff off.
Well, that doesn't sound like Jim and Marjorie Bancroft.
That's right.
That's because I bought this house from the Bancrofts - and I'm the landlord.
Good day.
- Well, did you cons Yep.
Right.
Well, you know, at least Jim and Marjorie played annoying music you could sing along to! Yes.
7 Bendigo Street, Balaclava.
Noise complaint.
Loud music.
Yes.
I know it's the middle of the afternoon, but I can't hear myself think.
Thank you.
See you soon.
Dad, do you think this has something to do with you being a little bit racist? - I'm not racist.
- Oh, come on.
You're always complaining about Asian drivers.
That's not racism.
It's because a lot of them can't drive.
But I do love their food.
And you say Indian cricketers can't field.
Well, they can't, except off their own bowling.
And I've got nothing against Africans.
The future of football might well be African.
Just having them next door won't be great for property prices.
Actually, if anything, it might encourage people to buy in the area because Dr Balla is an astronautical engineer.
Well, that's hardly bloody rocket science, is it? It is exactly rocket science.
How do you know so much about them? 'Cause I went over and welcomed them to the neighbourhood.
Did you? How sweet.
Did you bring baked goods? Well, yeah.
Only after I established none of them had nut allergies.
- Aww - And in any case, I didn't even meet Dr Balla, I met his missus.
Uh, that was Dr Balla.
Racist and sexist.
It's hard to believe you're still single.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Yeah.
Well Ah There you go.
That'll be the cops now.
Sort this out once and for all.
Thank you very much, officer.
False alarm.
This is not over.
Oh, heaven.
Calm down.
It's only basil.
Wait till you see what I can do with it, though.
Where are you off to? Angela.
I've made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and decided there was some unconscious racism in my attitude towards the Ballas and I'm going to apologise.
I didn't think fearless moral inventory was in your playbook.
Pray to God that herpes isn't in your playbook, there, snowflake.
Oh, right.
So, you're diseasist as well.
Only against the diseases coursing through your body, Tim.
- Fin.
- Is it? [MUSIC PLAYS] [CLANG! CRASH!] [DOG BARKS] [CAN CLATTERS] VOICES INSIDE: Aww [CAMERA CLICKS] Get out of it, you bastard! [FLY BUZZES] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oi! Oi, no.
You've parked on my lawn there.
Hey.
No, it wasn't a wave.
You should be park Come back, please.
- [CAR LOCK BEEPS] - You've parked on my lawn.
Oh, well, there's a nice little care package for your troubles.
- Hey, how did you go? - All clear.
Oh, congrats, babe.
That's great news.
I was a bit nervous because of - Yeah, colourful past - the heroin.
But, yeah, all good.
When do you get your results? Uh, yeah.
Soon, really soon hopefully.
You did go to the clinic, didn't you? Uh not not really.
- Not really.
- Well, I was going to and then I remembered I'm really not very comfortable with needles.
Get your phone and our wallet and your balls.
We're getting you checked out right now.
Come on.
Yeah.
Where are you two going? Just getting the results of Fin's STD tests - which he's definitely already had.
- You? I may have been a little harsh towards one of the Ballas' friends when he parked over our lawn, so I'm going to apologise.
It's that bloody unconscious racism again.
Right.
Unconscious.
No.
No.
After you.
Mmm.
[AIR HISSES] You're okay.
You're going to be okay.
What if I've got AIDS? Lucky we always use protection.
Which one of your two previous sexual partners do you think could have given you AIDS? Maybe they both did.
Well, let's see.
There's the one whose virginity you took.
And then there's the one you never actually saw naked.
So I don't think either of them classify as high risk, do you? I need some water.
[SIGHS, BREATHES HEAVILY] You don't have AIDS.
Worst case, mild chlamydia.
Very mild chlamydia.
You're going to make a wonderful father one day.
Thank you.
And you're going to make a wonderful - Back inside.
- Yeah.
No worries.
I'm telling you now, the Magpies need to recruit someone with a decent vertical leap.
We've got zero ability in the air.
Well, same with the Blues.
We should never have gotten rid of Fev.
Ah-ah, Mal.
Put it down.
Put it down.
[WHISTLES] Drop it.
Oh, hello.
Would you mind throwing the football back over the fence? What football? - Um, that football there.
- I don't see any football.
Would you gentlemen mind if I jumped over and got it myself? Ah, yeah, the gentleman would mind.
And I tell you what, you step one foot into this property and I'll call the cops and I'll have you charged with trespassing.
What's going on, Pete? Keep your pantihose on, Malcolm.
It's a long story.
Mr Black.
Ah, Ms uh, Dr Balla.
What can I do for you? Would you be so kind as to throw my son's football back? Oh, you want something from me, do you? Well, you should have thought of that when I asked you to turn the music down, shouldn't you? Well, you got your own back, vandalising our fuse box.
I have a good mind to go to the police.
Oh, well, your dog took a dump on my lawn, so I might go to the police about that.
Trespass laws only apply to humans 'cause animals have no concept of boundaries.
Put a sock in it, Mal.
Perhaps you should investigate your racist motives.
My racist motives are beyond reproach.
- There you go, mate.
- Don't [DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC] Dr Balla, I am so sorry for the misunderstanding.
Please, I need to make a quick phone call.
I'm going to be right back.
Yeah.
I also don't mean to be rude, Dr Balla, but there is something pressing I need to attend to.
Very nice to meet you, by the way.
Sticks, you still running the show at Carlton? Uh, see.
Apparently, a lot of guys faint when they have a blood test.
But do they also have three nurses holding them down? And you kicked one of them in the shin.
That was a reflex response.
And I apologised.
It was pretty impressive it took three of them to hold me down, though.
- Yeah.
You're awesome.
- Yeah.
Ange, look, I've been trying to be brave for you but I'm pretty sure I'm HIV-positive.
- Why do you think that? - Because I've got the swollen glands.
And, look, I have this white film across my tongue.
Hmm? And also, there are the night sweats, too, so Are you sure the night sweats aren't Dad-related? I do dream about your dad quite a lot.
And seriously, if my results come back positive, then I will respectfully leave this relationship and let you carry on with your life, unencumbered by my poor sexual decisions.
That's probably a good idea.
Oh, I thought you'd put up a little bit more of a fight than that.
You know I read an article that if you get HIV, you also lose your sense of humour.
- I have lost my sense of humour.
- That was another joke.
You know, they said if I am positive, there'll be two people in the room a doctor to give me the results and a psychologist to grief counsel me.
They never told me about a psychologist.
Oh, well, yeah.
That must be because they think I'm high risk.
Look, HIV is not a death sentence.
Okay? They'll put you on a regimen and you will be fine.
A regimen? I don't want to go on a regimen.
Hey, I love you.
And that's all that matters.
Do you want to fool around? Maybe we should wait till we get the results.
We're confident we can get this done pretty quickly.
We'd love to get Hassan straight down to Collingwood as soon as possible for training.
Thank you so much for coming to see us.
I can't tell you how appreciative we are.
Hassan, son, you're a massive talent.
We want you to be part of the biggest sporting club in this country.
That really means a lot, Mr McGuire.
Mr McGuire, mate? Eddie.
Eddie, mate.
My dad hasn't walked in.
Mate, we're family.
- Side by side we stick - BOTH: together.
- Right? - Yep.
One in, all in at Collingwood.
We're the workers' club, mate.
We might work out of a multimillion-dollar facility, state-of-the-art, all the bells and whistles, but it's still a workers' club and you're going to be a big part of it.
- Come on, let's get going.
Okay? - Let's go.
- You ready? Come on, let's go.
- Let's go.
And, look, I'm sorry about the carry-on with the fuse box and the poo and the football.
I have a degenerative bone disease and the medication can make me a little - Cuckoo? - Cuckoo.
Cuckoo.
- It's alright.
- Good word for it.
That's fine.
You're not going to embarrass the club again, are you? No.
Thank you, Eddie.
- Great stuff, buddy.
- Thank you.
Good on you, mate.
Sorry about this Sticks! Hello, mate.
Good to see you.
- What's the? - Bring a bag of cash, did you? - Traitor.
- Yeah.
Good one.
I saw him the same time as you did.
I had a previous relationship with the family.
Oh, you mean this previous relationship? Don't show Eddie that! - May the best man win.
- Indeed.
Sticks.
Come on, Sticks.
Hassan, how are you? Eddie! Eddie! 18-246.
Two of them? Gonorrhoea, negative.
Chlamydia, negative.
Herpes simplex Negative.
HIV negative.
[SIGHS] Oh, that's a relief.
You have tested positive for belonephobia.
Is that fatal? No.
Belonephobia is a phobia of needles.
And we think you should see someone about it before coming into contact again with healthcare professionals.
And this is Sophia.
She's on work experience.
Doesn't anyone have AIDS? You've had three gonorrhoeas and a herpes.
- Isn't that enough? - No.
She's also an entitled little monster.
You're so lame.
- Dr Balla.
- Mr Black.
I have a present for young Hassan.
It's one of the match balls from the 2010 grand final tie which we then won.
Oh, look at this, Hassan.
That's very, very kind of you, Mr Black.
Thank you.
- Hassan, how are you son? You good? - Good, thanks.
Good.
Now, Dr Balla, I couldn't help but notice your lawn could use a trim.
- I'd like to offer my services.
- Oh, that that's not necessary.
- Really, it's not necessary.
- I insist.
It's the least I can do after the way I behaved.
That's very generous.
Okay, alright.
Go, Blues.
Hello.
Come on through here, please.
Come on to my lawn.
My lawn is your lawn.
It's buffalo.
Nice soft padding for the tyres.
Just turn the wheel full lock.
Tickety-boo.
Oh, for the love of God.
Malcolm, put a shirt on.
And some reasonable pants.
I think Hassan will look very handsome in the navy blue.
Just like Sticks did.
Listen, Hassan is my neighbour.
Look.
I get it.
I wouldn't have come across him if it weren't for you.
So last night I asked myself what would make me happier a sustained and enduring friendship with Peter Black or a Carlton premiership? And I'm sorry, mate, you just can't compete with that.
[CHUCKLES SARDONICALLY] You know what? You're nothing but a lunch-cutting aisle blocker.
And I never want to see you again.
I hope you don't mind, Pete, but now you said that, I'm gonna squirt you with this hose.
No, you bloody won't.
You bloody did.
- You bloody did it again! - Yep.
[BOTH GRUNT] There you go.
Yeah.
That's happening.
There you go.
[BOTH GRUNT] Stop that this instant! - Sorry You - Stop that.
Mr Black, I would like to thank you for bringing my son to the attention of the Collingwood Football Club.
It is without doubt an iconic football club, but unfortunately Hassan will not be joining them.
Yes! Malcolm, Hassan is not playing for Carlton either.
What? Don't tell me he's playing soccer.
I thought he was straight.
GROUP OF PEOPLE: Go, Bulldogs! - There it is.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Bulldogs? No, you've gotta be joking.
They get one premiership every 50 years.
Dr Balla Bob.
I'm sorry.
Bob Murphy is just a really nice guy.
- Bob.
- Peter.
Bob.
Malcolm.
Put a shirt on, Mal.
Oh, it doesn't matter what kind of body you've got.
As long as you're comfortable with it, people will find you attractive.
Whoever told you that was lying.
Do you want a beer? - Yeah.
- Come on.
Well I was promised a high-octane thrill ride and what I got was more like a Tropfest film.
Short and a little bit weird.
Yeah.
I know.
My performance started off lacklustre and went downhill from there.
The force just wasn't with me.
Did you tell Dad you were disease-free? Yeah.
Yeah.
He told me to shut up and not embarrass him in front of Eddie.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Hey, I don't have to go back to work for another 15 whole minutes.
Shall we have another crack? And then afterwards we've got 14 whole minutes to play Scrabble.
Oh, ha-ha.
Nah, sorry, babe.
It's going to be at least 24 hours before I can you know.
I know my Actually I'm Ooh, it looks like the force might be back with me again.
[LAUGHTER] Ooh, there it is.
Oh! That's disgusting.
[MUSIC PLAYS] Is that racket still going on, is it? It's their first time without a franger, Pete.
What do you expect? Not them, you idiot.
Nah, bugger this for a joke.
Yes, police.
Yes.
I'm at 7 Bendigo Street in Balaclava and I've just heard some screaming from next door.
Wonder if you might be able to send someone over and make sure no-one's being stabbed.
Thank you.
And order is restored.
- Go, Blues.
- Hot Pies.