Mr Black (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

WALEED ALY: [ON TV.]
Mark Strauss, welcome to The Project.
Thank you so much, Waleed, it's a pleasure to be here.
Congratulations on the book, but mainly, the career.
I mean, the people that you've interviewed is extraordinary to list.
Trump, Hillary Clinton, David Cameron Do you think he's going bald? No, he looks amazing.
For someone who's just got off a plane.
I mean, he would've just flown in from Heathrow.
I'll say it again, I don't know why you guys broke up.
He wanted to be a foreign correspondent.
And I didn't want a long-distance relationship.
It wouldn't have worked anyway.
What, you have something against successful, good-looking adventurers, do ya? No, I'm in a relationship with one now.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Working at a hot desk does not constitute adventure.
Okay, sure, it's not being shot at, but, you know, you're exposing yourself to many times the number of germs compared with a personal workstation.
Many times.
See, I don't know if you're joking or being an irredeemable soft-cock.
I've got some almonds to activate.
- Excuse me.
- [GROANS.]
Nice one, Dad.
What? I wasn't the one banging on about how good Mark looked.
I said he looked good for someone who'd been on a plane for 24 hours.
I didn't promote the idea of getting back with him.
Well, Fin's too sensitive! It's the anniversary of his dad's passing and my ex-boyfriend's coming to visit.
So give him a break.
You give him a break.
I'm sick of giving him breaks.
What'd he die of, disappointment? Ah, look, I'm sorry about your dad.
Angie told me it's the anniversary of his passing.
Thanks.
I'm lucky, you know? My dad lived until he was 80.
Got to see me reach the pinnacle of my career, and get married, and have a beautiful baby girl, and you really missed out on that.
Have you ever considered being a grief counsellor? - Nah, it's more of a hobby.
Is it? - Hmm.
Look, why don't I take you out for a soy latte? My shout.
Yeah, I don't think so.
I wanna be home when Mr Amazing gets here.
Well I've got to take Mr Amazing off to the newsroom so I'll be back in plenty of time.
Yeah, look, I'd really prefer just to hang out here if it's all the same to you.
It'd be a great bonding experience.
Then we can swing past the garage and pick up that scooter you wrecked.
That wasn't my fault.
Really? Because according to this security footage uh, yes, it was.
You tricked me into pressing drive when I was trying to reverse.
That does not come through in the footage, does it? - It's on a loop.
- Yeah, I noticed.
- It's on a little loop.
- Thank you for doing that.
Ow.
3,000 views there.
Oh, yeah? How many of those are yours? Haven't put it online yet.
Listen, I'm not even asking you to pay for the repairs, I simply need someone to help me load it onto a trailer.
Is that too much to ask? - [SIGHS.]
Fine.
- Hmm? - Pardon? - Yes, fine.
- Great.
Great.
- I'll come.
Who was the last Australian men's singles champion at Wimbledon? - Lleyton Hewitt.
- Mm-hm.
Whose comeback album, Whispering Jack John Farnham.
Impressed.
Alright, who am I? Born November 26th Australian comedian Dave "Hughesy" Hughes.
No, It was West Indian wicket-keeper batsman, - Ridley Jacobs.
- Really? No, it actually was Dave Hughes.
- How did you know? - Thank you very much! Alright, let me ask you a question about my generation.
Who am I? I was born in White Plains, New York, May 14, 1984.
No? I attended Harvard University and launched a social networking service from my dormitory room.
I founded Facebook.
And my last name is Zuckerberg.
- Hold that thought.
- Okay.
Ah, bugger me! Gary's up in Wang looking after his sick mum.
Coming back to me now.
No, he said he would leave the key under the metal bin.
OK.
We have to go over the gate to get to the key.
I would, but I can't on account of my Ankylosing - spondylitis.
- Spondylitis.
Oh, yeah, I know.
The repairs to that scooter were over $2,000.
You go over that gate and get the key, we'll call it even.
Again, not my fault, but whatever.
See? That's the spirit.
Here we go.
Alright.
Now, just be very careful up there, OK? There you go.
Put your toe up there.
Good boy.
Alright, keep going up.
- Very high.
- Okay.
Now, just watch out, there's barbed wire up there.
Don't wanna take you back to Angela with a shredded ball bag.
[GROANS.]
Filthy.
OK, can you see the bin? The metal bin? - Yep.
- Alright, that's where the key is.
Okay.
- Doing great, mate.
- Oh, boy.
Up and over.
Yeah, be very careful of that barbed wire.
- Yep.
- Watch your balls! - Ooh, okay.
- Alright, there we go.
- [SIGHS.]
- Well done, Fin.
- Good job.
- [GRUNTS.]
Ah, look, one thing I did neglect to mention [DOGS SNARL AND BARK.]
they can smell a chai drinker from a mile off! - Get help! Get help! - [LAUGHS.]
They're not even real dogs, you snowflake! - It's a tape recording! - [SNARLS AND BARKS CONTINUE.]
Gary's way too much of a tight-arse to spring for real dogs.
[LAUGHS.]
It sounded very realistic.
Very realistic.
Wow.
This is definitely the bloke-iest room I've ever been in.
Oh, don't worry, snowflake.
We'll have you out of here, sipping lattes out of avocados in no time.
[SCOFFS.]
The reception in here is terrible.
They don't have Wi-Fi.
How can they not have Wi-Fi? It's a business.
Because men work here, not boys.
They don't need Wi-Fi.
Now stop crying and help me with the scooter.
I need to get back.
[CREAKS, SLAMS.]
Now, that is a deadlock and that is the only way out.
So, I am assuming that you have got the key.
I don't have the key, do you have the key? I don't have the freaking key.
You were responsible for the key.
What happened to the little ladder that was propping open the door? Oh, little ladder.
Why'd you grab the little ladder? It was clearly propping the door open.
'Cause I assumed that you had the key, considering you were in possession of it.
- Where is it if you don't have it? - It's in the lock on the other side of the door.
- Oh, you are awesome.
- You are.
- You are.
- You are, you - You are.
- [SIGHS.]
- Who you calling? - Angela.
Oh.
Yeah, no reception.
Can you try yours please? I'll check.
Oh, great, no bars.
Zero.
- Help! - Help! Help us please! Help! Please, help! Mark, where are ya? Help! Better not miss Mark's speech.
Oh, Mark's speech is the least of our worries.
Well, what's the bigger worry than Mark's speech? - Mark just being alone with Angela.
- I did not hear a word of that.
Angela having sexual intercourse with Mark! Hey, you're right.
You do have bigger worries than Mark's speech.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hi.
- Hi! Oh! Lip kissing.
Yeah, I'm a lip kisser now.
That's right.
I lip kiss all my friends.
It's just something I do.
- Ah, maybe don't lip kiss Dad.
- Yeah.
No, good call.
Horses for courses.
- Thank you.
They're beautiful.
- Yeah.
No worries.
Look at this! Come on in.
Ah, very nice.
Eclectic.
You cut your hair.
You no longer look like one of The Veronicas.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
No, I've gone for more of a Ruby Rose-type situation.
- What do you think? - Oh, it suits you.
Thank you.
Dad should be home any minute.
He's really looking forward to your speech.
Yeah? Is he still threatening to beat everyone up? Yes, but that's now tempered by the fact that he has a degenerative bone disease.
Maybe don't act too shocked when you see him.
And your mum? How's she? Living it up on the Gold Coast with a new man we don't talk about.
Talking of new men is that your boyfriend? - Yeah, Fin.
- Okay.
He's in advertising.
Ah, that's a hey, look, there's no shame in selling out.
There really isn't.
It certainly beats being held hostage by the Taliban.
Like this idiot.
That was dark.
Am I detecting some male pattern baldness there? No.
Why is everyone obsessed with baldness? Sorry, just being a dick.
MR BLACK: You know who wouldn't have got us in this situation? Mark.
Oh, yeah, he would've had his satellite phone with him, wouldn't he? And be calling his SAS mates to bust us out.
Mate, you don't become one of the world's finest foreign correspondents by locking your girlfriend's father in a garage, do ya? You think I wanna be here? The only reason I accompanied you was because you said it would be the bonding thing.
How do you reckon that's going? - Fabulous.
- But it's nothing personal, alright? If you had a daughter and she turned up with you, you would be concerned too.
MARK: Brexit leader Nigel Farage was easily the most entertaining interview.
And we actually got quite close until I broke the story about his mistress.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, uh-oh.
But, Ange, you know me.
If it's a choice between friendship and the story, the story always wins.
I was having a post-interview beer with David Cameron two days before the referendum and he turns to me and he says, "Mark, this whole thing goes belly up, what should I do?" And I said, "Prime Minister, do you want me to lie to you? "Or do you want me to tell you the truth?" And he turns to me dead serious and he said, and I'll never forget this, he says, "Mark, call me Dave.
" - He did not? - He did.
[LAUGHS.]
Have I ever told you the time I played Truth Or Dare with Wendi Deng and Tony Blair? Where'd you get that? The fridge.
Sorry, mate, there's none left.
Can I have a bite? No, mate.
[CHEWS LOUDLY.]
Think you could chew any louder? What time is it? - 3:20.
- [GROANS.]
If Gary's not here in 15, I'm gonna miss Mark's speech.
And I specifically bought his book, best seller so he could sign it.
Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll get your chance.
He's staying with us, isn't he? That's right, he is too, isn't he? Well, I hope we get back in time to make sure he sleeps on the couch by himself.
I thought you said there were no more.
I brought this one from home.
MARK: People think I've got some incredible ability to convince political leaders to talk to me.
But all I do is think outside the box.
With Kim Jong-un, I sent him some Swiss cheese.
He loves Swiss cheese.
How do I know he loves Swiss cheese? Googled it.
I think you're underselling your research ability.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Because I've then called Dennis Rodman and he confirmed it.
One day I will find out why those two are friends.
Sorry, I'm just wondering where the hell Fin and Dad are.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
[LADDER CRASHES.]
Fin! Fin! Riddle me this.
Who gets locked in a garage with no way out and decides, "Wait a minute, I might have a poo here"? A poo is not a thing you decide to do! A poo has a mind of its own.
Yeah, well, real men can control their bowels.
Real men don't get locked in garages.
You know what, real men Real men don't live with their daughters and ride around on motards.
Whoa, that hit below the belt.
Well, just take your time, mate.
I can hang here all day.
It's not like I've got Ankylosing spondylitis or anything.
- Do you have Ankylosing spondylitis? - Yep.
I had no idea, you should bring that up more often.
Oh, get on with it! Alright, alright.
Easy, easy, easy.
[GROANS.]
- Easy.
- Ah! - Oh, what is that? - It's my nose.
That's my nose.
- Get it off! - Easy, easy! Alright, nearly there.
Nearly there.
Two more.
- [GROANS.]
- There you go.
There we go.
- Yeah, no worries.
- Yeah, least I could do.
DIANA: Folks, as you are well aware, most of you are a disappointment to me.
- No, not true.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But someone who is not a disappointment is our old colleague, Mark Strauss.
Would you please make him welcome.
- Thank you, Mark.
- Thank you.
Uh First of all, just wanna say that the education I got here with you beautiful people, provided the best possible platform for me to write this book, Marking Time.
There it is.
So, from the bottom of my heart, I wanna say thank you to each and every single one of you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Round of applause for you guys, please.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Nice save, pretty boy.
Dad! Thought I told you to stay in the car! [LAUGHTER.]
But particularly, I wanted to thank legendary sports columnist Mr Peter Black.
Where is Mr Not here? Okay.
That's alright.
He took me under his wing when no one else gave a shit - and I'll never forget that.
- He doesn't care about you.
You know what? I reckon you've got a book in you too, Tom.
Except that's where it should stay.
- Am I right? - [LAUGHTER.]
Dad, where the hell are you? Mark just thanked you in front of everyone.
And finally, I wanna thank Angela.
My Ange.
We had fallen deeply in love and we were talking about marriage and kids when I got the phone call to say, "You're going to Europe.
" Not at any stage did she suggest that I not go.
She has been a pillar of support for me the entire time and for that I am forever in your debt, Angela.
Thank you.
She let you go 'cause she wanted to get rid of you.
You know what, Tom? I like making my speeches the same way you like having sex, alone.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's it.
That's it from me.
That's it.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Mark would've just finished addressing staff.
Can you be quiet, please? I'm concentrating.
He was definitely the paper's best writer.
How's your writing coming along? It's not really writing, though, is it? Oh, yeah, I actually call it um writing.
'Cause until they come up with another word that means the same thing as writing, I'm kinda stuck calling it writing.
Yeah, a good writer could've come up with another word, but If we don't find a way out of here or Gary doesn't come back soon, you realise we'll be spending the night here? I've made peace with it.
I'm gonna catch pneumonia.
We'll be fine.
You're just worried about Mark and Angela.
You know, if your love is strong enough, then you've got nothing to worry about.
And if it's not, and I fear it's not, then best you find out sooner, rather than later.
Well, our love is pretty strong.
Mate, if your relationship was running in the Melbourne Cup, I wouldn't want it in the bloody office sweep.
Hang about.
Mark's used the exact same quote to describe Rex Tillerson as I used to describe Greg Chappell in my 1998 biography, The Backfoot Drive! - What'd he say? - Oh.
He says, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
" That sounds like something I've heard before.
That's because I wrote it and it's iconic.
It's ingrained in the nation's psyche and he bloody knows it.
So, he's gone from being the paper's best writer to the paper's best plagiarist.
Oh, bugger this.
Let's get out of here so I can give that pretentious pissant a piece of my mind.
Oi! Come and bloody help us, you bastards! - Hello?! - Help us, you bastards.
Somebody! MARK: There you go.
Thank you.
You called the cops? And all the hospitals.
Trump was interesting.
I was the first one to coin the phrase "Hair Force One" for a think piece in the New York Post.
One of his aides read it, thought it was hilarious and all of a sudden I'm travelling with the campaign.
Mark, I love your stories Thank you.
but I'm just a little bit distracted right now.
Yeah, of course.
I missed you while I was away.
Me too.
- Whoa.
- Hmm? What are you doing? Thought there was a vibe.
My boyfriend and my father are missing, possibly dead, and you thought there was a vibe? That's correct.
Yep.
Hey, I'm Ange, I'm good with rejection.
Robert Mugabe rejected me when I first approached him for an interview.
And you know what turned him around? Tim Tams.
I'm not gonna be turned around by Tim Tams.
OK.
Well, that's you're better than Robert Mugabe.
FIN: Dad and I became estranged in the last year of his life.
Oh, 'cause he thought you were a soft-cock? In a way.
He wanted me to take over the farm, but I wanted to write.
Then he became sick and deteriorated really quickly.
Mum said I should call him to say goodbye.
I I didn't.
I cheated on Angela's mum.
That's why we broke up.
[LIGHTS CLICK.]
That'll be the timer.
Alright, let's get some sleep.
Yep.
Leave the light on, please.
Bogeyman? And clowns.
[SIGHS.]
I wonder what Angela's doing right now.
Anyway sweet dreams.
Goodnight.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes? Did you call me? No.
[SNORES.]
[SOBS.]
Any news? No.
What are you up to? What does it look like I'm up to? Making pancakes, 'cause that's what we do every Saturday.
And wherever they are, alive or God forbid, dead, that's what they want me to do.
[SNIFFS.]
Come here.
[SIGHS.]
Come here.
[DOOR RATTLES OPEN.]
MAN: [CHUCKLING.]
It is.
[CLAPS.]
Up the friggin' daisies, boys.
Come on.
Ah, thank God.
Gary.
Mate, what are you doing here? Oh, just mixing shit up.
And someone left the key in the door.
And someone took away the little ladder that was chocking open the door.
So, you know what, boys? Next time you lock yourselves in, there's a green button next to the door.
Give it a push and it releases the lock.
[BUZZ!, CLANK!.]
[SIGHS.]
RECORDING: Hi, this is Fin.
Sorry I missed your call.
I really am quite sorry.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- Please leave me a message.
Where the hell have you been? Short answer, Fin stuffed up again.
Mr Black! How are you? I don't shake hands with plagiarists.
Excuse me? You stole my, "Don't cry because it's over, "smile because it happened," line.
What are you talking about? It's a Dr Seuss quote.
Did you not know it was a Dr Seuss quote? Did you think you thought of it? No, if it is a Dr Seuss quote, I'm not conceding that it is, I'm pretty sure that I thought of it independently of him.
I'm pretty sure you didn't.
Well, I'm pretty sure you're a dickhead.
I'm pretty sure, you and I, we're gonna get through this.
I'm pretty sure we won't.
I'm just grateful that Angela's finally found a decent man like Fin.
- Pete - Mr Black.
Fin, this is Mark.
Mark, Fin.
Righto, full disclosure, I tried to make a move on Angela last night but you'll be pleased to know, she remained steadfast.
Oh, thanks very much.
Maybe I was trying to do you a favour.
- Really? - Yes.
Everything great about hanging out with Ange is mitigated by old buggerlugs trying to hang about, trying to neg you all the time.
- Huh, thought it was just me.
- No.
You know Dad gives everyone shit.
Well, yeah.
But he makes it so personal.
Yeah, that's his superpower.
He tried to fight me and shoot me.
And I don't mind saying, I've saved that bastard's life more than once.
But then when Ange and I broke up, suddenly he wants to be mates.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just so glad you're back.
- I missed you so much.
- Aw, I missed you too.
I've got about six hours to kill before my flight.
Do you guys wanna get a beer? No, but I could murder a pinot.
We have a lot to celebrate.
Hey, Dad we're gonna get a beer, do you wanna come? - MR BLACK: Mark going? - Yes.
Bugger that for a joke.
Probably trying to figure out how to sue Dr Seuss.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
- Could use a trip down the rub a dub.
- Oh, here he comes.
Doesn't mean I've forgiven anyone, though.
Don't ever touch me.
Apparently they've got a new Argentinean Melbourne Mm, Argentinean.
How'd the speech go? Yeah, good.
Thanks, mate.
Got a few laughs.
- Thought you might get a few laughs.
- Yeah.
You mention me? How do you think I got the laughs? No one likes a smart-arse, mate.