Mr. Mayor (2021) s01e01 Episode Script


1 - Good morning, sir.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr.
- Hello.
- Good to see you, mayor.
- Morning.
Good morning.
You do realize I'm lost, right? - Oh, uh, it's this way, sir.
- Morning.
Sir, I know you said no to the teleprompter, but just remember to emphasize job creation, and please don't try to speak Spanish again.
It's not my fault pero means "dog" and "but.
" That's just goofy.
You might wanna let me hold your watch, sir.
An Audemars Piguet might be perceived as elitist.
When exactly did elite become a bad word, Tommy? 2001, Perry Ellis introduces Elite cologne.
Base notes of tonka bean and oakmoss who is that for? - Ah.
- Excuse me, Mr.
Bremer? Hi, I'm Jayden Kwapis, Interim Director of Communications.
You're hand's very warm, Jayden.
Yes, I was holding a French bread pizza.
- Okay.
- Are you ready, sir? - What if I say no? - [polite laughter.]
Mayor! Mr.
Mayor! - [overlapping chatter.]
- Mr.
Can you believe this? [upbeat music.]
Well, hey, I never thought I'd be standing here.
And I know you didn't, Rick.
[forced laughter.]
I'm not a politician.
This time last year, I was happily retired, putting, exercising, and never using my outdoor kitchen.
I was quarantining before it was cool.
Heigh-ho! [chuckles.]
Uh, too soon, maybe.
But I love this city.
Like so many Angelenos, I chose LA as my home.
In 1976, I followed a girlfriend out here.
Classic California story.
She wanted to be an actress, but hey, she didn't make it.
She was killed by the Night Stalker.
But in my attempts to find her, I stumbled into the outdoor advertising business.
For 20 years, I gave you something to dream about while you were stuck on La Brea.
Scientology, Angeline, for your consideration, "Nurse Jackie.
" [aggressive applause.]
[applause fades.]
But now, I'm unretired because my city needed me.
We're all grateful to former Mayor Delgado.
He served this city valiantly through an unprecedented time.
The lightning strikes may have caused the earthquake, which has shut down a number of testing centers.
Now, we learned overnight that the app we've been using for distance learning is malware and might be filming your kids on the toilet Sir, we just found out that the murder hornets are back, and it turns out, they are not hornets.
They are tiny North Korean fighter jets.
I'm out! 2020, you broke me! Y'all know the rest.
Delgado retired, Dolly Parton bought everyone the vaccine, they called a special election, and I jumped in.
You wanna know why I jumped in? Because that day, the mayor quit.
And he was later found climbing one of my billboards.
Remember that? Yeah.
And the billboard said, "Bremer: Available Now.
" And you know what? I thought to myself, "That sign is a sign.
" All right, questions.
Anyone? - [overlapping chatter.]
- Over here.
Yeah? When will you be making appointments? You haven't named a single deputy mayor.
And I don't want any.
Like my daughter used to say about wiping her tushy, "No! Me do it.
" No deputy mayors.
Look, I know that this city has big, big issues facing it.
That's why today, I wanna start with something small we can all agree on.
I wanna ban something that sucks.
Guess what it is? Oh, my God, I can't believe he won.
I can't believe I did this.
Is it bigger than a doll? Biracial Twitter's gonna come for me.
What are you talking about? I made that old, white man seem cogent and cool.
I got him to advertise in dispensaries.
I got his cardboard cutout seated next to Kendall Jenner at the NBA Finals.
I got him that toy phone, and told him he was tweeting on it.
Okay, is this an anxiety attack, - or are you just bragging? - It's both! Because of me, he won 68% of the vote.
He won 68% of the 8% of people who voted, which, by the way, never tell him.
- What matters is that he's in! - But he's not qualified.
He thinks Santa Monica is part of Los Angeles.
- So he's not perfect.
- Perfect? Tommy, that toy phone makes farm animal sounds.
Remember, election is not marriage.
You're not trying to find "the one.
" It's like dating.
It's not going to be perfect.
Or fun, or good, or fulfilling, but you do it so your mom can brag at church.
Okay, I took this job as a short, high-paying PR challenge.
Now, we won, and I'm supposed to just, what? Work for the city? That's not content my followers wanna see.
Well, bail if you want to.
I am excited about being a part of this administration.
Really, you're telling me you're all-in? - On this guy? - No.
I'm very open to the idea of a robot police force.
Thank you for reminding me.
I think he's a charismatic, open-minded independent.
So if you can't get on board, then you should get the hell out of my bed.
Ew, "West Wing," have a seat.
I haven't decided yet.
But if I do stay, we have to figure out a plan for that guy.
Who? Jayden? He's a holdover.
We can fire him.
That's gonna change with my administration.
Yeah, anyone else? Anybody? Or do we keep him? Whenever it's time to throw someone under a bus, he could be our bus meat.
Everyone who works for this great city - is essential and productive.
- [grunts.]
That's all I ask of my team.
And it's the very least that the people of Los Angeles should expect from this office.
- Come on.
- He really is something.
I'll make sure his desk is near ours.
Phone, remind me to Topple the patriarchy! [cheers and applause.]
Believe me, no one here is more disappointed in the outcome of our recent mayoral election than me.
Than I! When I am elected sophomore class president, I will ban all plastic straws from school property, not just because they choke sea turtles and jellyfish - In Latin, cnidaria.
- Cnidaria.
But because drinking through a straw is a phallic lie.
Girls have mouths, and it's time for us to use them! [cheers and applause.]
In ora puellae! Thank you, Orly.
Now, as a transitional device, I will play a brief phrase on my alto recorder.
[gentle music.]
Our next student council nominee, please welcome Veda Chung von Medici-Ito Simmons.
[cheers and applause.]
Um, before I begin, I just received, like, a bonkers news alert on my phone.
Veda, statements go down at the end.
"A bonkers news alert on my phone-uh.
" Orly's idea may not be as progressive as she wants us to think because the literal mayor literally just said that he's doing a citywide plastic straw ban.
- What? - See for yourself.
Less waste for local businesses.
And it's the right thing to do for our turtle friends.
It's a no-brainer.
Yeah? But how will we drink iced coffee? Make popsicles.
- How will people do cocaine? - Don't do cocaine.
You'll go broke, and you'll get the runs.
God bless you! And God bless Los Angeles! - [overlapping chatter.]
- [groans.]
My God, Daddy! How could you do this? - The straw ban is my thing! - Because Because I care about things that you care Remember, I cared about Pokémon when you loved Pokémon.
Dad, how could you do this to me? I mean, everything thinks I copied your straw ban idea.
- You have to take yours back.
- I can't do that.
- Do you know what Veda said? - Who's Veda? She said that the straw ban was exactly the kind of frivolous thing she would expect from a rich, white man's daughter.
- Okay.
- She called us rich! No, I'm rich.
You're my plus-one.
Look, you tell Veda that I was born in a walk-up - in Crown Heights.
- [groans.]
I slept in one bed with both my grandfathers.
And one of them had something called erotic dementia.
I hate that story, and I hate that you're mayor.
And I hate that we had to move into this gross, old mayor house! You think I like this house? I can't figure out the AC.
All my cigars are going bad.
[glass shatters.]
Oh! My watches.
Hey, turn on the TV Jeez, you guys look nice.
A couple of ventriloquist dummies.
Anyway, there's this thing on TV.
I just thought you should check it out.
It seems urgent.
And I wanna say that this plastic straw ban is an affront to our entire community.
- And I will never allow it.
- What? Who is this? I hate her haircut.
That's Arpi Meskimen, District 13 Councilwoman.
She represents East Hollywood, Little Bangladesh, and the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
But she's super liberal.
Why would she be against the straw ban? A ban on bendable plastic straws is blatant discrimination against quadriplegics or any Angeleno with limited use of their hands.
- BOTH: Oh.
- It's an outrage.
They call themselves quaddies, or chairdogs.
No, we don't.
Oh! I'm sorry.
My nephew must have been pranking me.
Mayor Bremer, memorize this face.
Zoom in on me.
I'll come to you.
I've got your number, Bremer.
Like underwear bought in a drugstore, you're not gonna last two months.
Oh, this is not good, guys.
Yeah, someone needs to tell the mayor.
Yes, Jayden, and when you do that, emphasize how bad the optics are.
It's day one, and this straw thing is not the hill you wanna die on, okay? - Wait, me go tell him? - Mm-hmm.
I'm on it! I'll see you guys at the party.
Hey, but not if you see me first.
- Ah.
- [forced laughter.]
All right.
Orly, come on, honey.
Look, I know you thought it was a bathroom when you ran in there, but it's okay to admit that it's an empty closet.
- Orly? - Hey, buddies! - Excuse me? - Sorry, I was gonna say buddy, and then, I realized that was not okay.
And then, my brain was like, "Pluralize it?" And then, I was like, "No, that's insane.
" - Look, which one are you? - I'm Jayden Kwapis.
Very warm hand.
Aren't you a little old for the name Jayden? Thank you for noticing.
I'm actually one of the oldest Jaydens you'll ever meet.
Born in 1981, I like to think I might be the original Jayden.
It's sort of a combination.
I'm named after my father, Jaime, and his best friend, Dennis.
Yeah, Orly, your phone's out here, so I know you're gonna cave eventually.
Stop controlling my narrative! Okay, Councilwoman Meskimen has the disabled community pretty fired up over the straw ban.
I hadn't thought of that.
All right, all right.
All right, uh, I will personally donate steel straws - to anyone who needs one, okay? - Great.
Sweetheart, look.
Look, look, honey.
Who is this guy? And why is he wearing flip-flops with a suit? They're prescription.
I have podiatric claustrophobia.
Okay, Kwapis, look, just have somebody from the Environmental Council say how good the straw ban is.
Yeah, it turns out those folks are upset too because choking on plastic straws is an unofficial cost-free way to control the coyote population.
Without the straws, they think we're in trouble.
You have to cancel this stupid straw ban.
Your wife makes a great point, sir.
- She's my teenage daughter, Kwapis.
- Ew! I'm so sorry.
It is very confusing in LA.
ALL: [chanting.]
Let us suck! - Let us suck! Let us suck! - Oh, boy.
ALL: Let us suck! - [polite laughter.]
- Look at that sign.
That's great.
Okay, okay.
All right.
All right, all right.
- Hey, buddies! - [crowd booing.]
Boo? Boo you! How do you like that, huh? Boo! I think you handled that perfectly, sir.
I don't like being told I'm problematic, Tommy.
Yeah, well, nobody does, but cancellation comes for us all.
Mine was a joke tweet about how I wanted Drake to murder my vagina.
I avoided all the mines in the mine field, and I'm still getting crucified.
- Am I allowed to say crucified? - Of course.
It was a different time one second ago.
Uh, Arpi Meskimen is doubling down.
She's now calling for the removal of certain "offensive city landmarks.
" Yeah, let me guess, there's a Reagan statue somewhere.
- Close - Bob's Big Boy.
It whitewashes the labor force and gives me sexual nightmares.
You got a lot of issues for day one, Councilwoman.
And I can keep them coming, Mr.
I wanna see your water bill during the 2017 drought.
Charter schools, yay or nay? Did you post the black square on Instagram? Either way, how dare you.
What's your beef with me, Arpi? No beef.
I'm a vegan.
I just think there were better choices on the ballot.
Really? Who? The libertarian porn star, or Gary Coleman's ghost? I'll have you know I watched Ms.
Bazonga's films, and she seems like a real hard worker who knows how to multitask.
I wish I could say the same about you.
[forced laughter.]
Come on, Arpi.
We can find some common ground here.
We're both the same age.
I am 10 years younger than you.
But I'm still perceived as a kooky, old woman, and you're still a sexually viable man.
Thank you.
All right, here's something we have in common.
We both got into this to serve the city.
I've been serving the city for 30 years.
You were floating in your pool full of champagne in Bel Air.
- That would ruin the grout.
- And you saw a sign.
A magical sign that you were chosen to lead.
That's not fair.
You wanna know the real reason I ran for mayor? - I would love to.
- I did it for Orly.
The airport in France? No, my daughter.
Who was conceived at the airport in France.
Mayor Delgado's now believed to be in the back of this taxi and has requested the driver to quote, "Drive him into the ocean.
" No, that's not laundry.
That's my dad.
No, he doesn't work.
Not even on Zoom.
No, he wasn't Me Too-ed.
No, the salad dressing guy was Paul Newman.
I don't know.
Nothing? I love you, Dad! I'll help you turn off the TV later.
Looks like Los Angeles is going to need a new mayor.
[uplifting music.]
She thinks I'm a useless, old man.
Does that make you feel better? And I get it.
Never seen me work.
Her mother died eight years ago, and when that happened, I decided to cash out and retire.
I wanted to be around Orly as much as possible.
- This is getting intense.
- I know.
I forgot we were even here.
But now, I have a chance to prove to her to to myself that I'm not done.
Not yet.
You ran for mayor to impress your daughter? What a fun present for a child.
She must be over the moon.
Yeah, actually, she's furious with me.
Boy, you really don't know what you're doing.
Not just at work, but at home.
Excuse me, but I ran a billion-dollar company.
I do know a few things.
You need to learn how to listen, Whitey.
- Whitey? - Your hair.
When my constituents come to me pissed off, they don't wanna hear that they're wrong, or have me explain that my intentions were good.
They just wanna be heard.
So what do I do? I listen.
And I say, "Thank you for telling me that.
" That's what you should do with little Heathrow.
All right, you messed that up on purpose.
- We're done here.
- Are you ready, Mr.
Mayor? The children's choir's getting pretty deep into the Red Hot Chili Pepper's catalog.
Oh, hi, you must be Mrs.
- You just saw her on TV - He wishes! She's scary.
- You missed a great party last night.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, Orly, the first time I went into a bank to get a loan for my business, they turned me away.
- And you know what I did? - You grew a mustache.
I grew a mustache.
Got shoes and a shirt.
Were you naked the first time? No, I was wearing jean shorts.
It was the '70s.
The point is, I kept going back in there until I was wearing a suit, and they gave me that loan.
If you believe in something, don't give up, don't take no for an answer.
Except for with sex.
Now, that's different.
We'll sidebar that.
However, my advisors have convinced me to drop the straw ban, and I hope that makes things easier for you.
Do whatever you want.
After yesterday, I'm not gonna win, so I'm dropping out of the race.
Thank you for telling me that.
I mean, like, Veda was gonna win anyway.
She's better than me at everything, so I just feel stupid now, and I give up.
Thank you for telling me that.
Is that all you're gonna say? Thank you for telling me that.
Um, okay.
[light music.]
So did you tell your dad you're quitting? Who said I'm quitting? [elevator dings.]
I found my house! - [chuckles.]
- Good for you.
How are you doing today, Mr.
Mayor? I've been better, Jayden.
When? I would love to see that.
- Were you on a motorcycle? - What do you need? Well, Arpi Meskimen is pretty worked up about the whole coyote population explosion, but not in the way you might think.
She thinks that the word coyote is "cultural appropriation," and that we should be calling them "mini wolves.
" She also thinks we should pay for their birth control, so you're gonna get asked about that.
We're backing down from the straw ban, so why is Meskimen still attacking me? Never feed a dog from the table.
They just keep coming back for more.
That is why I only feed my turtle from my own mouth.
- Sit down.
- Oh, okay.
You know, that wasn't me yesterday.
When you give something, you should get something in return.
And Arpi knows that.
She's been in government for 30 years.
- Yeah.
- So what is she up to? Gosh, what is she up to? Right? [sighs.]
You know, my mom always said that when people keep punching you and punching you, it's because they're jealous of your homemade pants.
Arpi beat me because I don't even know what game we're playing.
Pfft! She didn't beat you.
She just tied you.
It's one-one now.
You know, because she tried to run for mayor, but you won mayor.
What do you mean she tried? Before this, I used to work at the Board of Elections.
She didn't have enough signatures to get on the ballot.
She was pretty furious.
And before that, I worked at a Jamba Juice, and people got mad there too.
- She wants to be mayor.
- Great news, sir.
I did a deep dive on Arpi Meskimen, and it turns out, she Wanted to be mayor, but couldn't get on the ballot.
Jayden already told me.
Try to keep up with him.
This is good.
Now I know what I'm dealing with.
- We're banning plastic straws.
- But Meskimen We'll give her something she wants even more.
[uplifting music.]
What? He's gonna let her be mayor.
Try and keep up.
BOTH: Good morning.
I came up here planning to quit.
Regarding yesterday's policy announcement But looking into the faces of people I respect and seeing the look in his eyes their eyes, a lot of different eyes.
Anyway, I realized Nothing I do is gonna please everyone.
And I'm not here to please people.
I do what I think is right.
BOTH: The straw ban stands.
And if you don't like it, you can suck it.
And not through a straw.
I look forward to being your sophomore class president.
- [cheers and applause.]
- [microphone feedback.]
However, I also know that it's my job to listen to all the voices in this great city, so I'm pleased to announce that I've appointed one deputy mayor in charge of public outreach, opposition research, and mini wolf reproductive services.
You may now direct your questions to Deputy Mayor Arpi Meskimen.
Thank you, Mayor Bremer.
[chuckles bashfully.]
I hereby resign my seat on the City Council in order to accept this position.
And I think it is admirable of the mayor to surround himself with people who dislike him so very much.
Before I take your questions, I really want you to think about if your question is dumb.
ALL: Ms.
Meskimen! Ms.
Meskimen! - Yes, glasses, go.
- I don't get it.
Why would Meskimen give up a seat on the council to work under Neil? Because she thinks he'll implode, and then she'll be mayor, but he's not planning on giving her that chance.
He used her own ambition against her.
Pretty smart.
All right.
I'll give this a try.
Because of my love of the city.
You just found out we get full health insurance? Yeah, I can finally break up with that gross doctor.
Are we going forward with the straw ban? Yes.
The mayor stands by his offer to provide angled, steel straws to those who need them.
For all other parties, the city will provide a free educational video demonstrating how to tilt fluid out of a cup and suck it in with your mouth.
You will find it at LAtiltandsuck.
Next dumb question.
- [doorknob clicks.]
- [door closes.]
So, I saw your press conference.
Look, honey, I'm sorry if it makes your life harder.
I really am, but You don't give up.
I get it.
Also, I have to be at school early tomorrow.
'Cause I'm kind of class president, so [chuckles.]
Thank you for telling me that.
I've got homework.
- Love you.
- Love you.
[hopeful music.]
We're hosting the Olympics?
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