Mr. Mayor (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Brentwood Trash

1 I am committed to expanding and improving public transit because it's hardworking Angelenos like these that are the lifeblood of our city.
So as oh! Hey there, pal.
May I ask why you got on the bus today with no pants? How else am I supposed to get to the pants store, idiot? Well, there you go.
Whether it's a pants store or City Hall, LA Metro will get you there.
Now, as mayor You're not the mayor.
I'm the mayor.
Well, let's just agree to disagree, shall we? Mayor fight! ALL: [chanting.]
Mayor fight! Stop, come on.
Stop - [screams.]
- [shrieks.]
[upbeat music.]
Good morning, Mr.
I'm not sure who needs to know this, but FYI, on the 733 bus, I'm no longer the mayor of this city.
That bus mayor was stronger than you, sir.
- [scoffs.]
- Hey, Jayden, I found the mayor's little bus speech real original.
It actually wasn't.
To save time, I just took his last speech and changed "algae bloom" to "bus passengers.
" - I was being sarcastic.
- Well, you're great at it.
Yeah, Jayden, Twitter has started to notice that we're recycling speeches.
Small businesses are the lifeblood of this city.
Reasonably-priced produce is the lifeblood of this city.
The passing of Archbishop Sheehan is the lifeblood you're killing me.
Yeah, the comms department may be stretched a little thin.
- Why, thank you.
- I'm on it, sir.
I put up listings for a speechwriter on LinkedIn, Monster, Craigslist.
I've already gotten some responses that weren't genital photographs.
So, Jayden, start going through résumés and pick someone.
I don't know.
I once hired someone to assemble a bookshelf, and yada, yada, yada.
Stole my TV, dated my mom.
Come on, this is a chance for you to step up and be a man.
Or a strong, capable woman.
But I'm more of a creative genius than a manager.
I have faith in you, Jayden.
Just find someone who makes your life easier and hire that person.
Or woman.
Moving on, Ms.
Meskimen this morning will be in Brentwood.
I love a town hall.
Democracy at work, people getting heated over ideas, and in LA, there's always some dingbat celebrity there, running their mouth, and I get to tell them they're not special.
I don't even understand why we need to build low-income housing here.
I already have a home.
I have ten homes.
Life is easy for me.
You're not special! Yeah, this is gonna be a fun one.
All those rich Brentwood turkeys think they're too good for trash.
Wait a second.
Is this about the recycling center? Because I should be there.
It's Brentwood.
Those are my people.
Arpi, I'm sorry, but I need to take the lead on this.
You have my complete confidence and support, sir.
Not what? I said you had my confidence and support.
That was an hour and a half ago.
I can't trust you around these people.
You're one of them.
You're gonna get up there in front of those one percenters and fold like a card table.
How you do you fold a card table, Arpi? They're made of solid wood with cup holders so you don't pucker the felt.
You're proving my point.
Card tables are plastic! You put them in the yard to serve Crystal Light on after someone gets shot and you're all just milling around in shock.
Ah, come if you want, but you have nothing to worry about.
I'm coming, and we're playing my pre-town hall psych-up music.
Officer, plug this into the RCA jack, please.
Get ready to get pumped.
California would not hold me Though I loved her timber mountains Hey.
Mikaela, right? Orly.
Hi, and hello.
Is my dad around? A pipe burst at school, so they let us go early.
Oh, no.
His schedule changed.
But you can hang out here, little homey.
Homeys gotta homework.
I can't believe her.
What's wrong? Leaked nudes? Frenemy? Just a stupid orchestra concert today.
Today? What about the pipe? Wait, are you in the orchestra? I was orchestra manager, so more on the biz side.
I play flute, but it's not like anyone's gonna miss me.
So you lied about the pipe because you're nervous about the concert.
Oh, my God, no.
"Nervous"? I murder the flute like Lizzo.
I practiced all summer to make first chair, and I did make first chair, but then Mr.
Kenny gave the solo in "Peer Gynt" to Abby Shapiro because he's a fascist, and it's like, what's even the point of the chair system? It's so unfair, and I hate high school! [door slams.]
Hey, FYI, the mayor's daughter's here, so this is how I'm going to play it.
I'll do everything wrong so that she runs out of here furious.
Wait, you beat me to it? Guess Mikaela wins again.
I know interviews can be nerve-racking.
If you want, you can picture me in my underwear.
I brought a pair if it helps.
So this would be a bit of a change for you.
You spent your whole career in Puerto Rico.
- Um, that's PR.
- For short.
I went there once.
I got bit by a beach puppy.
Yeah, I meant public relations.
- Be careful.
- Oh, the chair? Don't worry.
Not my first chair rodeo.
Catch me! America so cool.
USA number one party.
Diet starts Monday.
Great, well, we'll be in touch, Sforg.
Supers dupers, Jaydens.
I love you.
I cannot wait for you to meet my house.
It is lonely at the top, Tommy.
Hmm interest level exceeded.
Well, the mayor told me to hire someone that would make my life easier, but so far, the best of the bunch is Sforg, and he's only here because he's on paid vacation from a Swedish prison.
For knife murders! - Europe is different.
- Yeah.
Excuse me, Mr.
Kwapis? I'm Derek Joshua.
I applied for the speechwriter job.
- Your tie is so funny.
- I know, right? It's like, "Uh, we're gonna need a bigger shirt.
" - [both laugh.]
- I love movie quotes.
"Yes, you called for the Ghostbusters.
" Oh, man! Okay.
On three, say your favorite "Ghostbusters.
" One, two, three.
BOTH: First boy "Ghostbusters.
" Why am I still standing here? Okay, I'd like to begin by pointing out that none of you deserve what you have.
In fact, material wealth is, if anything, inversely correlated with a person's worth as a human being.
Now, here's someone you probably know from your Botox parties, Mayor Neil Bremer.
[crowd booing.]
All right, as a longtime Bel Air resident, I wanna make one thing clear: Westside, best side.
[cheers and applause.]
That said, I fully support this project.
Our city has a trash problem, and we can no longer rely on my predecessor's plan to dump it all in the woods and wait till the fires take care of it.
I know you have concerns, and I'm here to listen, so Do you have any idea how much rose quartz it'll take to counter the negative energy created by this sorting facility? - Um, 12.
- Touché.
I see you've used my being an idiot against me.
Well played.
Listen, we cannot have a trash facility in Brentwood.
I mean, come on, I moved here to give my bees a better life.
And I'm sure they appreciate that.
Listen, if this affects the flavor profile of my honey, you're gonna have to explain it to Chrissy Teigen, because she has been she's been my champion through all this.
- Who the hell is this guy? - David Spade, "SNL.
" - Never heard of him.
- "Joe Dirt"? No? It says under "special skills" that [speaking Dothraki.]
[speaking Dothraki.]
[both laugh.]
- I would never.
- Good, 'cause [both laugh.]
Look, obviously, I don't have any experience in politics.
You've done a lot of writing.
Have any of your screenplays ever been produced? Not yet.
Hollywood's all about who you know, and my uncle won't introduce me to anyone at the studio he runs.
- Right? - Yeah.
There you are.
Are you okay? Look, I get it.
I was your age just, like, ten years ago.
That's such a long time.
It's actually it is.
High school was really rough for me, too.
I had a widow's peak that connected to my unibrow.
I gave the nurse the other half of my "Best Friends" necklace.
Then I found it in the trash later.
- Please stop.
- Yeah.
- I get it.
- Mm-hmm.
But look at me now.
Two eyebrows, a whole forehead, kickass job, and Nurse Kelly has a pretty big opioid problem.
High school's so stupid.
Being first chair doesn't mean anything.
Being class president doesn't even mean anything.
My only power is choosing the themes for school dances, and the faculty adviser overruled "Consent Under the Sea.
" Just wait.
Grown-up life isn't high school.
I promise.
Thanks, Mikaela.
Your eyebrows look really separate.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Now, let's go get on Instagram, and I'll show you what all that sun damage and drinking does to the cool kids.
- They look so bad.
- [both laugh.]
- Marry Ms.
- Yep.
- Eff the Land O' Lakes chick, - Damn right.
- Kill the Utz girl.
- Correct.
Hey, speaking of food, I don't have any more interviews until this afternoon.
Do you wanna maybe grab some lunch? I know it's only 11:00, but I really like it when You're the first order on the griddle after breakfast? [scoffs.]
Yeah, 'cause then your BOTH: Lunch tastes like pancakes.
My child is not vaccinated, and for some reason, she is very sick all the time, and now you wanna surround her with trash? What she needs is more horses.
Okay, get outta here.
Next person.
Hi, I'm Andie, president of the Brentwood Homeowners Association, and my hair just dries like this.
[rock music.]
You're Andie MacDowell from "Multiplicity" and "Groundhog Day" and that Calvin Klein commercial back in the '80s.
You were wearing jeans.
[cheery music.]
Why do you look like Pikachu week on "Drag Race"? Because my speechwriter search is over.
Derek and I just had the funnest time at Universal Studios.
We both have the same favorite Minion Stu, duh we both love pizza and music, and he's an awesome writer.
His new screenplay is about, what if Marty McFly had married his mom? [pops lips.]
So this Derek would be someone you'd talk to instead of me? Yeah.
- Go to him.
- Sorry.
Excuse me.
- Are you Jayden Kwapis? - Yeah.
I've been waiting for two hours to meet with you about the speechwriter position.
I'm so sorry.
Right this way.
This won't take long.
Master's in public policy? Deputy speechwriter for Governor Brown? Chief speechwriter for Maxine Waters? And also a felon? Banana! I know Los Angeles needs a new recycling facility.
I mean, this town certainly has its share of plastic.
Surgery, that is.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I mean, I knew you could be funny on film, Ms.
MacDowell, but Oh, call me Andie.
And you can call me Hoops.
I played basketball, you know.
Obviously, I [laughs.]
Oppose your plan.
[both laugh.]
Oh, what was I saying? [sighs.]
Doesn't matter.
No, no, no, no, no.
Take your time.
I love watching you think.
I was saying, call me crazy, but I don't like garbage.
Who does? Oscar the Grouch, sure, but he's a puppet being silly.
What is he doing out there? Get in the game, Hoops! Listen, Andie, we're having this dialogue because nothing's set in stone.
Son of a bitch is folding.
If you would like to discuss this further, you know, like, over dinner Do you like food? Excuse us.
Five-minute recess.
Talk amongst yourselves about your empty, materialistic lives.
I knew it.
I knew you wouldn't be able to stand up to your fellow plutocrats.
- No.
- You disgust me.
It's not that.
No, it's her.
Who? Tall-y McBeautiful? - Boring.
- You don't understand.
I've been in love before.
I've been married twice, but Andie MacDowell Have you seen "Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan"? She's in this nightgown, combing her hair, and then Tarzan comes in, and then he starts combing her hair.
Oh, come on.
Don't you have anyone in your life who just pushes all your buttons? Harvey Milk.
I know, I know.
He's dead.
I rented "St.
Elmo's Fire" so many times, when Blockbuster went out of business, they just gave me the tape.
Arpi, I wanna do the right thing here.
I wanna be a good mayor, but I'm going to go out to dinner with her, and I will fold.
Probably gonna buy her a Mercedes.
What the hell do you want me to do? If she's really your Harvey Milk, this train's off the tracks.
I don't know.
Just do something.
Hi, there, stranger.
Where were we? This is Sophia Ladaro.
She used to call me "Teen Wolf.
" Now look how sad and ugly she is.
Oh, it says she's at her mom's funeral.
Yeah, so that's her dressed up.
Well, I have a zit, and it's picture day.
For our photo IDs? My life is over.
How is this any different than high school? What? You've spent hours making fun of people, this guy's freaking out over a pimple, and I'm pretty sure you're only talking to me because of who my dad is.
What? No.
Orly, we're buddies.
I requested to follow you on Instagram.
Did you see it, or And those ladies.
They've spent all day reading people to filth.
- [speaking Spanish.]
- [laughter.]
Yeah, don't mess with them.
We call them "Las Plasticas.
" You were wrong, Mikaela.
Real life is high school.
It never ends! - No, Orly, that's not true.
- Guys, I'm freaking out.
I know Valerie is perfect or whatever, but I'm worried that Derek won't wanna be my friend anymore if I don't pick him, and he's so cool, and he drives stick, and also my mom packed me raisins if anyone wants to trade.
Oh, my God.
It never ends.
High school never ends.
What? No! I don't wanna have to run the mile again.
Everybody get out of my room! [both sobbing.]
Mercedes has this paint finish they call "Denim Blue.
" I think it would look great on you.
Excuse me, Mr.
Mayor? I'd like to ask some questions.
No, shut up.
You're not from Brentwood.
No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Please help me.
You're right.
I'm not from Brentwood.
- Eastside, beast side.
- [crowd mutters.]
As a resident of Greater Los Angeles, I'd just like to know where the president of the Brentwood Homeowners Association thinks this trash should go.
Well, anywhere else, really.
Because Brentwood is so special.
Thank you.
And the people that live here like clean, open spaces.
And other neighborhoods don't.
Apparently not.
I mean, just look at those places.
Everywhere you turn, there is a graffito.
I mean, come on.
The taxes that we pay.
- We don't deserve this.
- Oh, God.
But someone like me deserves your trash? That is an amazing solution.
I think that you would love my trash.
What? No.
No, no, no.
You know, my trash has perfectly good food in it.
Clothes with the tags still on it.
And I throw out all the skincare products that companies send me because I don't need 'em.
This is wonderful.
What else do you throw out? Honestly, anything that doesn't spark joy.
Oh, you know, normally, I give my old bags to my maid, but if you like it It does have a monogram, though.
I love it! And, hey, what do you know? AM.
Those are my initials.
Oh, I can't wait to tell my psychic! Well, it's settled.
Our trash goes there.
- [applause.]
- No! No! You people are awful! We're building the facility, Andie, in Brentwood, and I'm not buying you a Mercedes.
You're nothing like your character from "Groundhog Day.
" I can't believe that I fantasized about settling down in Punxsutawney with you.
Well, I can't believe I was gonna let you comb my hair.
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
I need the bag back.
I've got a dog in there.
Whew! There you are.
Holy crap.
Did you eat all that candy? This is what I used to do in high school.
Do you wanna ditch and go memorize the dance from "Toxic"? I don't know what that is.
[humming Britney Spears' "Toxic".]
Actually, I'm gonna take off.
My dad said to call a car and meet him at home, so Ugh, dads.
Am I right? As if our days could get any worse.
- You mean the orchestra thing? - Mm-hmm.
Turns out, Abby totally blew the solo in front of the whole school, and Ceviche Twitched the whole thing, and everyone was like, "Orly should have had it anyway.
" And then Josh Booker, who's a senior at Westlake - No.
- Found out I went home early, and he DM'd me and asked if I was feeling okay.
- Cool.
- [both laugh.]
High school's so awesome.
I love that life is just high school forever.
- Josh Booker - [door opens.]
- Okay, bye! - Yeah, I'm gonna go, too.
- Oh, Dios mío.
- [door closes.]
- You did good in there, boss.
- Thanks.
I'm just glad you were there to ruin it all for me.
Hey, anytime you need some interruptus, I'm your gal.
My class at Reed was the only one in the history of the school where no one got pregnant.
[cell phone rings.]
What is it, Jayden? I can't decide between Derek and Valerie.
I'm gonna assume those are two speechwriters.
I mean, I know Valerie is super qualified, but isn't friendship more important than job goodness? Why do these people go on reality shows and say that they're not there to make friends? - Are they crazy? - Arpi.
Listen up, Kwapis, in this job, your best and only friend is the city of Los Angeles.
She will help you move.
She will pick you up at the airport.
She will show up at 3:00 a.
with a pint of ice cream and tell you you're better off without him.
"Him" being Fresno, maybe.
I don't know.
This is getting away from me.
Do the right thing.
- Yes, sir.
- Hmm.
This sorting facility isn't just about cleaning up my predecessor's mess.
It's the start of a new, cleaner tomorrow for all of LA.
Now, that's a speech.
He sounds like Winston Churchill or Glenn Close in "The Wife.
" Thank you, Thomas.
I thought the implicit zeugma of "clean" really Ugh.
Yeah, great job, Valerie.
I'm so glad that I hired you and now all of Neil's speeches are "good" and "different from each other.
" [blows raspberry.]
Even if it cost me a chance with Tarzan's bride.
And he's off script.
I just thought me and Derek would be best friends forever.
Now he doesn't even return my texts.
Welcome to high school, Jayden, where everything sucks forever and "Orly Bremer followed you"? Orly Bremer followed me! I can't hang out with you anymore.
Hey, girl Well, best friend, at least I got you.
Ooh, why is my best friend so filthy? Bleh! Do you guys know how hard it is to get a bee startup going? I mean, I got J.
Abrams in early, but now this guy's calling me, like, 50 times a day like, "Where's my money?" I'm like, "I don't really know what I'm doing, but I hope they're in there making honey.
" I need them to work and focus.
I'm taking new investors.
Afterwards, just find me.
I am strongly opposed to these new energy-efficient streetlights.
You know what? Actually, I don't even care about the streetlights.
I don't even live here.
I just go to these town halls to get out of the house.
I love my husband.
I love his cooking.
He's a wonderful father to our birds, but the music, it's just constant.
I don't get it.
Everything, whoa, all the time.
I mean, what's the point? Why not just say it? It seems easier and less stressful.
I mean, music is dumb, right? Do you know his last name's not even Legend? It's McGruff, like the crime dog.
Anyway, anyone wanna go play paintball or something? I have a car, so I can drive us.
All right.
Go to hell, Culver City.

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