Mr. Mayor (2021) s01e06 Episode Script
Respect in the Workplace
1
[car alarm chirps.]
Yeah.
Hey, Mikaela.
Sorry.
No, I'm here.
I'm just having a bit of a rough start to the day.
Yeah, no, my cat threw up in the bathtub while I was in it.
Hold on.
Come on.
What? Okay, I'm coming! I'm coming! [quirky music.]
[screams.]
[horn beeps.]
[grunts.]
It's food truck day.
[laughs.]
It's food truck day! [laughs.]
[bright music.]
There's so much old junk in these drawers.
Look at this sad photo of city council from the '50s.
Wow.
No one looks like us.
Oh, I don't know.
That guy second from the left kinda looks like you, but he doesn't have the leg meat to almost pull off these pants.
[laughs.]
Thank you.
They're H&M single-use.
It's food truck day! [laughs.]
What? What is he saying? [panting.]
Food truck day.
It's the most best day of the month.
Food trucks come from all over and they park outside and there's gonna be banh mi and poke bowls and, fingers crossed Okay, I don't have time to address how weird your fingers are.
Empanada Acoso.
They drive in all the way from Riverside, and their empanadas are like soft, spicy full diapers for your tongue.
Oh, my God, could we actually get decent lunch food for once? We'll go down right after training.
After what? Today's our mandatory "respect in the workplace" training session.
[sighs.]
Oh, no! Oh, those things take forever! Oh, and then you can't leave until you pass a test, and by then, all the food trucks are out of food, so they're just trucks again! I mean, I love trucks, but Oh, God, today is an emotional Minions ride.
- Dude, it'll be fast.
- Yeah, we're young.
We get it.
Yeah, we watch a video, ask no questions, take a quiz, we're done.
And then we empanada.
Hard.
- Yeah.
- [laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
Oh, hey.
- I can help you with that.
- Thank you.
- If that's okay.
- Yes, of course.
Women are strong too.
[with Russian accent.]
Strong like bull.
[laughs.]
[normally.]
Cows.
Women are cows, not - It's fine.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Arpi Meskimen, deputy mayor.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Susan.
I'm the discussion leader.
You know, Susan, I piloted this program back in the '80s when city hall didn't even give women chairs.
We were just offered laps to sit on.
So you're welcome, Mikaela.
[laughs.]
I am welcome.
I know.
Yeah.
I still carry the pepper spray I used to go safely back and forth to the copier.
Well, your program has been a great base for us to work off of.
- Thank you so much for - No need to thank me.
You're gonna do great.
Trust the material.
[horn beeps.]
[brakes squealing.]
Empanada Acoso just pulled up.
And by the way the truck is riding on the shocks, I think they have pork.
Great.
Shh.
So if we're all here, we can Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I was in the little boys' room, where it is okay to take out your penis.
Hi.
I'm the mayor.
Hi.
Susan Craw.
I didn't expect you to be here.
Usually the big shots don't show up to these things.
Yeah, sir, I was just gonna use the autopen to sign you in.
Are you kidding? No, no.
This is important stuff, very important.
I have a daughter, and I wanna get this right for her sake.
Right.
Right.
Yes.
Okay, so I usually begin by showing a video of a common workplace scenario.
A video? Huh.
So you don't use my illustrations anymore? No, we do not.
Okay.
[sighs.]
Oh, hi, Michelle.
What's wrong? Someone hung a cartoon in the break room that upset me, Carlos.
The one about Asians being good at math? Tell your supervisor.
I don't wanna be a squeaky wheel.
I feel harassed by the acting in these.
What kind of business is this supposed to be? The filing system makes zero sense.
Hey, Barbara, did Gunther email you his latest bodybuilding photos? Yes.
Again.
Those photos make me uncomfortable.
I asked him not to send them to me anymore.
Aww.
That's how my parents met.
And I asked him to stop giving me backrubs.
- [sighs.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
Oh, no! I just got an email that Gunther is taking you off the Suncoast account.
That's my biggest account! Susan, Susan, could you pause it for a second? I've already got so many questions.
Okay, now, of course, backrubs are inappropriate, but what about side hugs? Those are okay, right, because your privates are parallel.
I'm sure you're a great hugger, but it's probably best not to hug anyone.
Could I ask to touch a white man's hair? Just just don't.
'Cause what if he's gay? Yeah.
Shoot.
Of course.
My point being there's always an exception if you think about it.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- [muttering.]
Shut up.
Yes, I guess that would be an exception, but I don't think anyone is going to ask you to "help them breastfeed.
" So does anybody else have any questions? Oh, sorry, I do.
Yeah.
I have a list of words that I wanna see if I can still say them.
"Jazz" and also "jazzy.
" It's 12:00 p.
m.
! Can we take the test already? - Yes, Jayden.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Great idea.
- I agree with Jayden.
Yes, we've probably discussed enough already, so I'm just gonna go ahead and pass these out.
[people murmuring.]
Oh, boy, this is awkward.
What is? The lady running the harassment seminar is into me.
You think that young I'm just as shocked as you are, but I'm telling you, there's a vibe.
Hey, no chatting, Mr.
Side Hugs.
Am I allowed to flirt back? I mean, I wanna be respectful, but I'm also a human being looking for connection, but I don't wanna get sued.
But 20 years ago, I would've really sealed this deal.
- Boy, this is a - Don't say it.
Scary time for men.
Okay, everyone, take one more minute to finish adding up your scores.
Hey, Susan.
I got 100.
And I feel like the credit goes to you.
Oh, a zero? Dang.
No empanadas for you.
Okay, everyone.
Thank you so much.
Now, if you scored below a 50 You are free to go.
Great job.
Wait, what? Oh, it's like golf scoring.
Now, that makes much more sense.
No, not possible.
I don't fail tests.
I've lived all these examples.
I could've written this test.
I did write this test! And damn it, Susan, I hate to be the one to say this, but I'd like to speak to your manager.
- No, Arpi! - No, no.
- Karen, no.
- No, Arpi.
My God, you have the haircut and everything.
I've never failed a test in my life.
I got a 10 on the Apgar, a 2390 on my SATs, and a BuzzFeed quiz I took earlier said I'm, oh, I don't know, Rachel from "Friends.
" Where are you going? To get my food.
I passed.
Should we just break for lunch now? And then we can all come back.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're gonna stay here until we get this right, out of respect for Susan, who is being so incredible to us.
Ugh.
Give me a cardboard box full of breaks.
Wait.
Wait.
Jayden? Can you get me a poke bowl with brown rice and extra sesame I want a taco trio from The Lime Truck: one pulled chicken, zesty guac; two pork, no guac; and an horchata.
Pizza and a cappuccino, please and thank you, Jayden.
Got it.
Okay.
So we are going to review the scenarios as a group so that you can see where you went wrong.
Yeah, well, I don't think I got any wrong, so I can't wait.
All right.
Happy birthday to you Yay.
So how old are you, Barbara? - Rude! - Ow! That hurt my arm.
All right, so who, if anyone, here should be reported to Human Resources? The guy who asked his coworker's age.
The horrible woman who hit the man.
Um, everyone? Forced celebrations produce anxiety, the concept of birthdays is systemically pro-life, and singing discriminates against [off-key.]
People like me Who can't sing And frankly, Barbara's agreeing to all of this makes her complicit.
Yeah, I thought they were having a nice time.
Okay.
So the correct answer is, no one should be reported to HR.
It may be bad manners to ask Barbara's age, but Carlos should only be reported if he denies Barbara a work opportunity based on her age.
So I was the closest on that one.
Thank you, Susan.
- [sighs.]
- [chuckles.]
Hey, hey.
Before we hop back into the next scenario, another question? What if you sense a vibe? - What do you mean? - Well, you know, what if you sense someone's attracted to you? Never assume there's a vibe.
Oh, come on.
We're all adults.
You can tell when somebody's into you.
They smile at you.
Smiles don't mean jack.
I mean, women also smile in social situations that make them uncomfortable.
Susan knows there are five distinct female smiles.
Smile one: teeth showing, slightly open mouth.
"I'm attracted to you.
" Smile two: relaxed but closed mouth, eye contact.
"I prefer to be friends.
" Okay, I've done that one.
Smile three: tucked-in lips.
"Mm.
I am politely repulsed.
" Yup, Simon Cowell at baggage claim.
Now, the last two variations factor in race and class.
Smile four is for men of my same race but lower socioeconomic standing.
It says, "Hey, fellow Caucasian.
"I'm not a B-word, but I already got an old man at home, you dig?" All right, Arpi.
Thank you so much for that.
However, say I'm winked at by the Eritrean American fishmonger at Ralph's.
Tight lips, eye contact, slight bow says, "I respect your culture and position, but I'm not interested in your sexual advances.
" Honestly, I'm surprised this stuff isn't in the literature.
Yes.
Me too.
So to answer your actual question, sir, you may ask a coworker out on a date one time.
If you receive anything less than an enthusiastic yes, then you may not ask again.
Jeez.
What if you biff it? Oh, I have faith in you, Neil.
First name.
Big-time vibe.
Okay, next scenario.
Ladies first.
Oh, okay.
Finally.
We're alone.
I consent.
Let's do this.
[both moaning.]
All right, so which employees, if any, are violating city policy? See, I couldn't get this one.
Is there tongue? I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
This doesn't track.
Carlos and Michelle were so mad at each other at Barbara's birthday lunch.
What? No.
These don't tell a story.
I didn't like it when Gunther opened the door for Barbara.
It was patronizing.
Sure, but you can't call HR every time someone holds a door for you.
I can if it makes me uncomfortable.
Wait, that guy was Gunther? Okay, there's gonna be a twist.
No.
This is not a movie.
- There's no narrative.
- Are you sure? Gunther demotes Barbara on her birthday, then holds the door for her? - Villain.
- These are different days.
Then why are they in the same clothes? And who got the Suncoast account? You're supposed to focus on the two that were kissing.
Yeah, was there an intimacy coordinator on that set? Because until that's confirmed, I don't think I should even be watching this.
All right, all right, so the answer is, even consensual relationships should be reported.
Really? But what if the secret is part of the thrill? Susan! I wrote that question in 1989.
The correct answer is, the kiss is fine because Carlos and Michelle are equals.
It's consensual.
And they're not bumming everyone else out by doing it in public.
Actually, it's not fine, because their relationship would impact dynamics in the workplace.
Did you just "actually" me? Did you "you're welcome" me before we even started? What is that supposed to mean? "I started this program, Ms.
Shaw.
"I'm a trailblazer.
High fives for white feminism.
" One, you're bad at voices.
And two, I don't high-five white feminism.
Clearly you haven't read my most recent op-ed for the "Vallarta Noticias," or you wouldn't be this worked up.
Okay, Arpi, you are centering yourself, you are tone policing, and you're displaying a white savior complex.
My apologies.
I will be quiet.
- Let's move on.
- But I worked really hard! My boss used to put his fingers in my mouth.
He'd say, "Does this Coffee mate taste old to you?" I went to Hooters once with OJ Simpson.
I'm so hungry, that sounds good to me.
And this isn't gonna go over well - Then don't say it! - They always still say it.
You wouldn't have your job if it weren't for gals like me.
And I'm sorry if that kind of door opening also offends you.
Okay, boomer.
Have infinity seats.
What does that mean? Is that a crack about all the lap-sitting my generation was forced to do? She's saying she wants you to retire and go home because you're the Pelosi to her low-res AOC.
- [gasps.]
- You know what, Mr.
Tomás? There's a special place in hell for gays that encourage women not to support other women.
I know.
It's called Bravo, and we're doing amazing on it.
Susan, I'd like credit for knowing that I shouldn't talk right now.
Good for you, yes.
Oh, heavenly Father! - Everybody get back.
- What is he doing? Oh, God, it's so much! Why does he have all those soups? - Excuse me.
Please move.
- No one ordered soup! I did not get tops for these.
- No! - Oh, no! Come on! - Oh, God, why? - [bell dings.]
[crowd gasps.]
Oh, God, no! The gelato bike is done for the day.
I'm just saying, Susan, at some point, the left is eating itself - Oh, my God, kill me.
- While the right gains power.
Okay, Arpi, Arpi, Arpi.
We know now that microaggressions can add up and affect a person's performance and their mental health.
- Wha - Okay, but just because someone calls you out doesn't mean you're a bad person.
- [stammering.]
- We all make mistakes.
I'm sure that someone's ignorance has made you uncomfortable.
[breathing heavily.]
Bad news, guys.
I got mugged.
They were ninjas, so I - We saw you fall! - Lie better! Fine.
I dropped everything.
Okay, but it's your fault.
I knew what I wanted, but by the time I got to Empanada Acoso, they were out of everything except for lavender and fennel popsicles.
I hate them so much.
Okay.
Okay.
I've got a microaggression.
Yesterday Jayden waited for me to walk up the stairs with him, and it made me feel like an old grandma in a Life Alert commercial.
I was in a bad mood the rest of the day.
[gasps.]
So should we fire him? Or just have an angry mob Tweet him to death? - Ahh! - Sit down, Arpi.
What? The only reason I was waiting for you was so I didn't have to walk by myself! Because when I do, Tommy grabs my tummy and makes me pay a tummy tax.
Tommy, that is not acceptable.
Okay, but it's not sexual.
I'm just being mean.
Well, it's oppressive.
Honestly, I didn't like it when you touched my thigh this morning.
I didn't like it either.
It's not harassment if both people hate it.
No.
The rules apply to everyone.
So I'm the Gunther? No.
No, no, no.
I failed this test because it doesn't reflect my experience.
I'm a gazelle taking a fish test.
It doesn't reflect me either! I'm a nice boy who doesn't touch anyone.
Yet every creepy guy in this pamphlet looks exactly like me.
I thought that was you.
It's not fair.
I don't harass anyone.
[with English accent.]
I'm just sweet little Jayden.
- [people grumbling.]
- No, don't do that.
All right, if I'm not allowed to be mean, he's not allowed to talk like a British baby.
It's how I make myself nonthreatening.
- Oh, my God! - Seriously, stop.
Stop that! Batman did it.
Batman.
I swear to God I will fire you.
Okay, okay.
Jayden.
Jayden.
You don't even need to be here right now because you passed.
And actually, all of you could learn a lot from Jayden.
Actually, I cheated.
You what? - I ch - No, talk in an adult voice.
[normally.]
I cheated, okay? When I was helping you set up, I memorized your answer key.
First column is E, C, B, D, D, C, Every Creepy Boy Does Daddy's You cheated on the test so you could go get empanadas? What empanadas, Arpi? What empanadas? Okay.
Okay.
Enough.
Enough.
Look, take a deep breath, Jayden.
All right, let's just face it.
No one here knows what the correct answers are.
We just wanna do the right thing - because these new rules are important.
- Yes.
And, Susan, I'm starting to understand what you want from me.
So here in broad daylight in front of these various witnesses [breathes deeply.]
I'm gonna ask you this one time.
Susan, do you wanna have dinner on a clothing-optional yacht with me? Sir, ew.
No.
Thank you.
But good job, I guess, because you did ask appropriately.
Huh? I'm not going crazy.
There was a vibe here.
Now it's getting a little inappropriate.
Respect the no, sir.
Susan, take Sergeant Peps.
- [spray hissing.]
- [screams.]
[all shouting.]
Jiminy Cricket! It must have rusted apart 'cause I swim with it.
Oh, you [bleep.]
Karen.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- That was the pain talking.
- No problem.
Whoever this is, please stop touching me! Here, you can put these on your eyes.
[screams.]
What is that? [with English accent.]
Don't be scared.
They're only ice lollies.
Oh, my God! Please stop talking like that! You people are the lowest-functioning, most self-absorbed group I have ever had.
Think of other people! You, stop complaining that this is so hard.
This is hard for everyone.
At least you can walk to your car at night without being afraid.
Yes, I'm not afraid at all.
And, Arpi, yes, I know that you started this project, but it doesn't end with you.
Progress literally means moving forward.
And, Mikaela, it is not your job to educate these people.
They have to learn on their own.
But you know what? If they're really actually trying, then you have to [gags.]
Hold on.
[coughs.]
You have to let them live, okay? Because being compassionate doesn't mean you're being complicit.
Thank you.
I will post that to my story but not credit you.
And you know what? Yes, I know that you are frustrated, but you're in power now, and that comes with responsibilities.
You already pointed to me.
I moved.
Oh, God, I was talking to the Tommy tummy guy.
My eyes are, like, literally on fire.
Can somebody please call my wife? - Aha! - Oh, my God! - You are so self-absorbed! - This isn't about you! I know.
I know.
- Let's get you ice.
- These really do help.
Hey, guys, we gotta be more careful with this.
- [spray hissing.]
- [screams.]
Spicy face! [screaming.]
- Okay.
- You know, pepper spray is banned by the Geneva Convention.
Article one, section five.
- [elevator dings.]
- But that's just for wartime.
Oh, my God, Susan! - Are you okay? - Nell? Nell, is that you? Oh, thank God.
Get me away from these people.
Can you get that box for me, hon? - Ugh.
- Oh, Nell? Neil Bremer.
We're so sorry.
Oh, hey, look at that.
We got the same watch.
[laughs.]
[elevator dings.]
All right.
I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
You are her type.
Maybe there was a vibe.
Right? It's just 'cause she's married.
[laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
Thank you.
Gracias.
- [exhales heavily.]
- I'll Venmo you.
- Okay.
- Hey.
I'm sorry that I compared your thigh business to Councilman Bergfeld's.
It's not okay to talk about your appearance.
I mean, sometimes it is if it's helpful, like if there's a rip in my pants, or if it's positive, like, "You look pretty today, Mikaela.
" Okay, if that ever happens, I'll let you know.
[scoffs.]
Rude! [stiffly.]
Ow.
That hurt my arm.
[laughs.]
You know, this wasn't that long ago, but there isn't a single person here who looks like me.
So if we've gotten to a place where Neil Bremer, the richest, whitest, straightest man I have ever met, and I have to play by the same rules, I will take it.
Oh, my God.
The women are all sitting on guys' laps.
Arpi wasn't exaggerating.
But a dog got a chair? Well, it's a police dog.
[metal crashing.]
Hey, is this the bathroom? - No, no, no, bullpen! Bullpen! - No! No, no, no, no, no! Oh.
Sorry.
[sniffs.]
Wait.
[sniffs.]
No way.
It's Empanada Acoso! From all the way in Riverside! - You did this? - Yeah.
Enjoy, bud.
You thought of me.
Thank you.
Ms.
Shaw.
I spoke coarsely to you earlier.
You are my superior, and if you believe a formal reprimand is in order, I understand.
It's fine.
I lost my temper also, and I apologize.
Listen, I I know you've been trying to get your water table proposal in front of the mayor, so come by my office next week and we'll go over it together.
I've got so many chairs.
Will do, boss.
I will have infinity seats.
I'm done.
[breathing heavily.]
No one judge me!
Yeah.
Hey, Mikaela.
Sorry.
No, I'm here.
I'm just having a bit of a rough start to the day.
Yeah, no, my cat threw up in the bathtub while I was in it.
Hold on.
Come on.
What? Okay, I'm coming! I'm coming! [quirky music.]
[screams.]
[horn beeps.]
[grunts.]
It's food truck day.
[laughs.]
It's food truck day! [laughs.]
[bright music.]
There's so much old junk in these drawers.
Look at this sad photo of city council from the '50s.
Wow.
No one looks like us.
Oh, I don't know.
That guy second from the left kinda looks like you, but he doesn't have the leg meat to almost pull off these pants.
[laughs.]
Thank you.
They're H&M single-use.
It's food truck day! [laughs.]
What? What is he saying? [panting.]
Food truck day.
It's the most best day of the month.
Food trucks come from all over and they park outside and there's gonna be banh mi and poke bowls and, fingers crossed Okay, I don't have time to address how weird your fingers are.
Empanada Acoso.
They drive in all the way from Riverside, and their empanadas are like soft, spicy full diapers for your tongue.
Oh, my God, could we actually get decent lunch food for once? We'll go down right after training.
After what? Today's our mandatory "respect in the workplace" training session.
[sighs.]
Oh, no! Oh, those things take forever! Oh, and then you can't leave until you pass a test, and by then, all the food trucks are out of food, so they're just trucks again! I mean, I love trucks, but Oh, God, today is an emotional Minions ride.
- Dude, it'll be fast.
- Yeah, we're young.
We get it.
Yeah, we watch a video, ask no questions, take a quiz, we're done.
And then we empanada.
Hard.
- Yeah.
- [laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
Oh, hey.
- I can help you with that.
- Thank you.
- If that's okay.
- Yes, of course.
Women are strong too.
[with Russian accent.]
Strong like bull.
[laughs.]
[normally.]
Cows.
Women are cows, not - It's fine.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Arpi Meskimen, deputy mayor.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Susan.
I'm the discussion leader.
You know, Susan, I piloted this program back in the '80s when city hall didn't even give women chairs.
We were just offered laps to sit on.
So you're welcome, Mikaela.
[laughs.]
I am welcome.
I know.
Yeah.
I still carry the pepper spray I used to go safely back and forth to the copier.
Well, your program has been a great base for us to work off of.
- Thank you so much for - No need to thank me.
You're gonna do great.
Trust the material.
[horn beeps.]
[brakes squealing.]
Empanada Acoso just pulled up.
And by the way the truck is riding on the shocks, I think they have pork.
Great.
Shh.
So if we're all here, we can Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I was in the little boys' room, where it is okay to take out your penis.
Hi.
I'm the mayor.
Hi.
Susan Craw.
I didn't expect you to be here.
Usually the big shots don't show up to these things.
Yeah, sir, I was just gonna use the autopen to sign you in.
Are you kidding? No, no.
This is important stuff, very important.
I have a daughter, and I wanna get this right for her sake.
Right.
Right.
Yes.
Okay, so I usually begin by showing a video of a common workplace scenario.
A video? Huh.
So you don't use my illustrations anymore? No, we do not.
Okay.
[sighs.]
Oh, hi, Michelle.
What's wrong? Someone hung a cartoon in the break room that upset me, Carlos.
The one about Asians being good at math? Tell your supervisor.
I don't wanna be a squeaky wheel.
I feel harassed by the acting in these.
What kind of business is this supposed to be? The filing system makes zero sense.
Hey, Barbara, did Gunther email you his latest bodybuilding photos? Yes.
Again.
Those photos make me uncomfortable.
I asked him not to send them to me anymore.
Aww.
That's how my parents met.
And I asked him to stop giving me backrubs.
- [sighs.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
Oh, no! I just got an email that Gunther is taking you off the Suncoast account.
That's my biggest account! Susan, Susan, could you pause it for a second? I've already got so many questions.
Okay, now, of course, backrubs are inappropriate, but what about side hugs? Those are okay, right, because your privates are parallel.
I'm sure you're a great hugger, but it's probably best not to hug anyone.
Could I ask to touch a white man's hair? Just just don't.
'Cause what if he's gay? Yeah.
Shoot.
Of course.
My point being there's always an exception if you think about it.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- [muttering.]
Shut up.
Yes, I guess that would be an exception, but I don't think anyone is going to ask you to "help them breastfeed.
" So does anybody else have any questions? Oh, sorry, I do.
Yeah.
I have a list of words that I wanna see if I can still say them.
"Jazz" and also "jazzy.
" It's 12:00 p.
m.
! Can we take the test already? - Yes, Jayden.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Great idea.
- I agree with Jayden.
Yes, we've probably discussed enough already, so I'm just gonna go ahead and pass these out.
[people murmuring.]
Oh, boy, this is awkward.
What is? The lady running the harassment seminar is into me.
You think that young I'm just as shocked as you are, but I'm telling you, there's a vibe.
Hey, no chatting, Mr.
Side Hugs.
Am I allowed to flirt back? I mean, I wanna be respectful, but I'm also a human being looking for connection, but I don't wanna get sued.
But 20 years ago, I would've really sealed this deal.
- Boy, this is a - Don't say it.
Scary time for men.
Okay, everyone, take one more minute to finish adding up your scores.
Hey, Susan.
I got 100.
And I feel like the credit goes to you.
Oh, a zero? Dang.
No empanadas for you.
Okay, everyone.
Thank you so much.
Now, if you scored below a 50 You are free to go.
Great job.
Wait, what? Oh, it's like golf scoring.
Now, that makes much more sense.
No, not possible.
I don't fail tests.
I've lived all these examples.
I could've written this test.
I did write this test! And damn it, Susan, I hate to be the one to say this, but I'd like to speak to your manager.
- No, Arpi! - No, no.
- Karen, no.
- No, Arpi.
My God, you have the haircut and everything.
I've never failed a test in my life.
I got a 10 on the Apgar, a 2390 on my SATs, and a BuzzFeed quiz I took earlier said I'm, oh, I don't know, Rachel from "Friends.
" Where are you going? To get my food.
I passed.
Should we just break for lunch now? And then we can all come back.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're gonna stay here until we get this right, out of respect for Susan, who is being so incredible to us.
Ugh.
Give me a cardboard box full of breaks.
Wait.
Wait.
Jayden? Can you get me a poke bowl with brown rice and extra sesame I want a taco trio from The Lime Truck: one pulled chicken, zesty guac; two pork, no guac; and an horchata.
Pizza and a cappuccino, please and thank you, Jayden.
Got it.
Okay.
So we are going to review the scenarios as a group so that you can see where you went wrong.
Yeah, well, I don't think I got any wrong, so I can't wait.
All right.
Happy birthday to you Yay.
So how old are you, Barbara? - Rude! - Ow! That hurt my arm.
All right, so who, if anyone, here should be reported to Human Resources? The guy who asked his coworker's age.
The horrible woman who hit the man.
Um, everyone? Forced celebrations produce anxiety, the concept of birthdays is systemically pro-life, and singing discriminates against [off-key.]
People like me Who can't sing And frankly, Barbara's agreeing to all of this makes her complicit.
Yeah, I thought they were having a nice time.
Okay.
So the correct answer is, no one should be reported to HR.
It may be bad manners to ask Barbara's age, but Carlos should only be reported if he denies Barbara a work opportunity based on her age.
So I was the closest on that one.
Thank you, Susan.
- [sighs.]
- [chuckles.]
Hey, hey.
Before we hop back into the next scenario, another question? What if you sense a vibe? - What do you mean? - Well, you know, what if you sense someone's attracted to you? Never assume there's a vibe.
Oh, come on.
We're all adults.
You can tell when somebody's into you.
They smile at you.
Smiles don't mean jack.
I mean, women also smile in social situations that make them uncomfortable.
Susan knows there are five distinct female smiles.
Smile one: teeth showing, slightly open mouth.
"I'm attracted to you.
" Smile two: relaxed but closed mouth, eye contact.
"I prefer to be friends.
" Okay, I've done that one.
Smile three: tucked-in lips.
"Mm.
I am politely repulsed.
" Yup, Simon Cowell at baggage claim.
Now, the last two variations factor in race and class.
Smile four is for men of my same race but lower socioeconomic standing.
It says, "Hey, fellow Caucasian.
"I'm not a B-word, but I already got an old man at home, you dig?" All right, Arpi.
Thank you so much for that.
However, say I'm winked at by the Eritrean American fishmonger at Ralph's.
Tight lips, eye contact, slight bow says, "I respect your culture and position, but I'm not interested in your sexual advances.
" Honestly, I'm surprised this stuff isn't in the literature.
Yes.
Me too.
So to answer your actual question, sir, you may ask a coworker out on a date one time.
If you receive anything less than an enthusiastic yes, then you may not ask again.
Jeez.
What if you biff it? Oh, I have faith in you, Neil.
First name.
Big-time vibe.
Okay, next scenario.
Ladies first.
Oh, okay.
Finally.
We're alone.
I consent.
Let's do this.
[both moaning.]
All right, so which employees, if any, are violating city policy? See, I couldn't get this one.
Is there tongue? I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
This doesn't track.
Carlos and Michelle were so mad at each other at Barbara's birthday lunch.
What? No.
These don't tell a story.
I didn't like it when Gunther opened the door for Barbara.
It was patronizing.
Sure, but you can't call HR every time someone holds a door for you.
I can if it makes me uncomfortable.
Wait, that guy was Gunther? Okay, there's gonna be a twist.
No.
This is not a movie.
- There's no narrative.
- Are you sure? Gunther demotes Barbara on her birthday, then holds the door for her? - Villain.
- These are different days.
Then why are they in the same clothes? And who got the Suncoast account? You're supposed to focus on the two that were kissing.
Yeah, was there an intimacy coordinator on that set? Because until that's confirmed, I don't think I should even be watching this.
All right, all right, so the answer is, even consensual relationships should be reported.
Really? But what if the secret is part of the thrill? Susan! I wrote that question in 1989.
The correct answer is, the kiss is fine because Carlos and Michelle are equals.
It's consensual.
And they're not bumming everyone else out by doing it in public.
Actually, it's not fine, because their relationship would impact dynamics in the workplace.
Did you just "actually" me? Did you "you're welcome" me before we even started? What is that supposed to mean? "I started this program, Ms.
Shaw.
"I'm a trailblazer.
High fives for white feminism.
" One, you're bad at voices.
And two, I don't high-five white feminism.
Clearly you haven't read my most recent op-ed for the "Vallarta Noticias," or you wouldn't be this worked up.
Okay, Arpi, you are centering yourself, you are tone policing, and you're displaying a white savior complex.
My apologies.
I will be quiet.
- Let's move on.
- But I worked really hard! My boss used to put his fingers in my mouth.
He'd say, "Does this Coffee mate taste old to you?" I went to Hooters once with OJ Simpson.
I'm so hungry, that sounds good to me.
And this isn't gonna go over well - Then don't say it! - They always still say it.
You wouldn't have your job if it weren't for gals like me.
And I'm sorry if that kind of door opening also offends you.
Okay, boomer.
Have infinity seats.
What does that mean? Is that a crack about all the lap-sitting my generation was forced to do? She's saying she wants you to retire and go home because you're the Pelosi to her low-res AOC.
- [gasps.]
- You know what, Mr.
Tomás? There's a special place in hell for gays that encourage women not to support other women.
I know.
It's called Bravo, and we're doing amazing on it.
Susan, I'd like credit for knowing that I shouldn't talk right now.
Good for you, yes.
Oh, heavenly Father! - Everybody get back.
- What is he doing? Oh, God, it's so much! Why does he have all those soups? - Excuse me.
Please move.
- No one ordered soup! I did not get tops for these.
- No! - Oh, no! Come on! - Oh, God, why? - [bell dings.]
[crowd gasps.]
Oh, God, no! The gelato bike is done for the day.
I'm just saying, Susan, at some point, the left is eating itself - Oh, my God, kill me.
- While the right gains power.
Okay, Arpi, Arpi, Arpi.
We know now that microaggressions can add up and affect a person's performance and their mental health.
- Wha - Okay, but just because someone calls you out doesn't mean you're a bad person.
- [stammering.]
- We all make mistakes.
I'm sure that someone's ignorance has made you uncomfortable.
[breathing heavily.]
Bad news, guys.
I got mugged.
They were ninjas, so I - We saw you fall! - Lie better! Fine.
I dropped everything.
Okay, but it's your fault.
I knew what I wanted, but by the time I got to Empanada Acoso, they were out of everything except for lavender and fennel popsicles.
I hate them so much.
Okay.
Okay.
I've got a microaggression.
Yesterday Jayden waited for me to walk up the stairs with him, and it made me feel like an old grandma in a Life Alert commercial.
I was in a bad mood the rest of the day.
[gasps.]
So should we fire him? Or just have an angry mob Tweet him to death? - Ahh! - Sit down, Arpi.
What? The only reason I was waiting for you was so I didn't have to walk by myself! Because when I do, Tommy grabs my tummy and makes me pay a tummy tax.
Tommy, that is not acceptable.
Okay, but it's not sexual.
I'm just being mean.
Well, it's oppressive.
Honestly, I didn't like it when you touched my thigh this morning.
I didn't like it either.
It's not harassment if both people hate it.
No.
The rules apply to everyone.
So I'm the Gunther? No.
No, no, no.
I failed this test because it doesn't reflect my experience.
I'm a gazelle taking a fish test.
It doesn't reflect me either! I'm a nice boy who doesn't touch anyone.
Yet every creepy guy in this pamphlet looks exactly like me.
I thought that was you.
It's not fair.
I don't harass anyone.
[with English accent.]
I'm just sweet little Jayden.
- [people grumbling.]
- No, don't do that.
All right, if I'm not allowed to be mean, he's not allowed to talk like a British baby.
It's how I make myself nonthreatening.
- Oh, my God! - Seriously, stop.
Stop that! Batman did it.
Batman.
I swear to God I will fire you.
Okay, okay.
Jayden.
Jayden.
You don't even need to be here right now because you passed.
And actually, all of you could learn a lot from Jayden.
Actually, I cheated.
You what? - I ch - No, talk in an adult voice.
[normally.]
I cheated, okay? When I was helping you set up, I memorized your answer key.
First column is E, C, B, D, D, C, Every Creepy Boy Does Daddy's You cheated on the test so you could go get empanadas? What empanadas, Arpi? What empanadas? Okay.
Okay.
Enough.
Enough.
Look, take a deep breath, Jayden.
All right, let's just face it.
No one here knows what the correct answers are.
We just wanna do the right thing - because these new rules are important.
- Yes.
And, Susan, I'm starting to understand what you want from me.
So here in broad daylight in front of these various witnesses [breathes deeply.]
I'm gonna ask you this one time.
Susan, do you wanna have dinner on a clothing-optional yacht with me? Sir, ew.
No.
Thank you.
But good job, I guess, because you did ask appropriately.
Huh? I'm not going crazy.
There was a vibe here.
Now it's getting a little inappropriate.
Respect the no, sir.
Susan, take Sergeant Peps.
- [spray hissing.]
- [screams.]
[all shouting.]
Jiminy Cricket! It must have rusted apart 'cause I swim with it.
Oh, you [bleep.]
Karen.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- That was the pain talking.
- No problem.
Whoever this is, please stop touching me! Here, you can put these on your eyes.
[screams.]
What is that? [with English accent.]
Don't be scared.
They're only ice lollies.
Oh, my God! Please stop talking like that! You people are the lowest-functioning, most self-absorbed group I have ever had.
Think of other people! You, stop complaining that this is so hard.
This is hard for everyone.
At least you can walk to your car at night without being afraid.
Yes, I'm not afraid at all.
And, Arpi, yes, I know that you started this project, but it doesn't end with you.
Progress literally means moving forward.
And, Mikaela, it is not your job to educate these people.
They have to learn on their own.
But you know what? If they're really actually trying, then you have to [gags.]
Hold on.
[coughs.]
You have to let them live, okay? Because being compassionate doesn't mean you're being complicit.
Thank you.
I will post that to my story but not credit you.
And you know what? Yes, I know that you are frustrated, but you're in power now, and that comes with responsibilities.
You already pointed to me.
I moved.
Oh, God, I was talking to the Tommy tummy guy.
My eyes are, like, literally on fire.
Can somebody please call my wife? - Aha! - Oh, my God! - You are so self-absorbed! - This isn't about you! I know.
I know.
- Let's get you ice.
- These really do help.
Hey, guys, we gotta be more careful with this.
- [spray hissing.]
- [screams.]
Spicy face! [screaming.]
- Okay.
- You know, pepper spray is banned by the Geneva Convention.
Article one, section five.
- [elevator dings.]
- But that's just for wartime.
Oh, my God, Susan! - Are you okay? - Nell? Nell, is that you? Oh, thank God.
Get me away from these people.
Can you get that box for me, hon? - Ugh.
- Oh, Nell? Neil Bremer.
We're so sorry.
Oh, hey, look at that.
We got the same watch.
[laughs.]
[elevator dings.]
All right.
I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
You are her type.
Maybe there was a vibe.
Right? It's just 'cause she's married.
[laughs.]
[upbeat music.]
Thank you.
Gracias.
- [exhales heavily.]
- I'll Venmo you.
- Okay.
- Hey.
I'm sorry that I compared your thigh business to Councilman Bergfeld's.
It's not okay to talk about your appearance.
I mean, sometimes it is if it's helpful, like if there's a rip in my pants, or if it's positive, like, "You look pretty today, Mikaela.
" Okay, if that ever happens, I'll let you know.
[scoffs.]
Rude! [stiffly.]
Ow.
That hurt my arm.
[laughs.]
You know, this wasn't that long ago, but there isn't a single person here who looks like me.
So if we've gotten to a place where Neil Bremer, the richest, whitest, straightest man I have ever met, and I have to play by the same rules, I will take it.
Oh, my God.
The women are all sitting on guys' laps.
Arpi wasn't exaggerating.
But a dog got a chair? Well, it's a police dog.
[metal crashing.]
Hey, is this the bathroom? - No, no, no, bullpen! Bullpen! - No! No, no, no, no, no! Oh.
Sorry.
[sniffs.]
Wait.
[sniffs.]
No way.
It's Empanada Acoso! From all the way in Riverside! - You did this? - Yeah.
Enjoy, bud.
You thought of me.
Thank you.
Ms.
Shaw.
I spoke coarsely to you earlier.
You are my superior, and if you believe a formal reprimand is in order, I understand.
It's fine.
I lost my temper also, and I apologize.
Listen, I I know you've been trying to get your water table proposal in front of the mayor, so come by my office next week and we'll go over it together.
I've got so many chairs.
Will do, boss.
I will have infinity seats.
I'm done.
[breathing heavily.]
No one judge me!