Mr. Mayor (2021) s01e09 Episode Script
#Palmtreereform
1
It's "Mayor Chat"
with your hosts, Chet Danville
and Grover Sepulveda.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
, Monday morning.
I'm Chet Danville.
Grover Sepulveda died in 2003.
Joining us today to talk about his push for dedicated bus lanes, the 43rd mayor of L.
A.
, the Honorable Neil Bremer.
Thanks, Chet.
Why is this live? Also joining us is the 42nd mayor of L.
A.
, Victor Delgado.
My God.
I didn't recognize you.
I I thought you were an animal expert or something.
No, more like Princess is an expert on me.
So what have you been doing since you left office, Vic? Self-care, Chet.
I've been meditating.
I took a Zoom break, so I wanted to come on and let all my fellow Angelenos know that Victor Delgado is almost back to normal.
Oh, that's so good to hear.
You served during such a difficult time.
Oh, did I? Thanks, 'cause I forgot about when that lady in Playa del Rey shot me with a BB gun for handing out masks.
The last time I was on this show, I was begging people not to drink bleach! Or do drink it, but in moderation.
I know it's a tough job, but Do you? What have you done? A straw ban and some scooter helmets? And eventually, a bus lane.
And that's cool! Rock bands ride in buses.
Uh-huh, and how are you gonna pay for that? The city's broke.
Chet, I-I think your viewers Viewer, singular.
Helen got Netflix.
Uh, my point is that the bus lane will get paid for.
If anyone knows how to work a budget, it is me, Neil It's now 4:02 and that means we're out of time.
Thanks for watching, Steve.
Up next, static.
Hey.
What are you doing here? - School's closed.
- Closed? For what? There was an accident.
Did you not see the official school TikTok? Some palm tree branches fell and knocked a girl unconscious.
Down south, hood baby Hood baby make all the girls go crazy Go, go, go This is how they disseminate important information? L.
A.
is a damn hellscape, and I am not to blame.
What see, those palm trees need to be maintained.
What is her plan to rectify this? - That's what I wanna know.
- Um, let me see.
These palm trees are on city property.
So to everyone attacking me, um, let's think.
Whose responsibility is this, really? Uh oh.
If only someone from the Gregory community worked for the city.
Is she talking about me? Oh, sarcasm.
What the ancient Greeks called "dÃgma orgizménu adrós estÃ," the bite of the sassy man.
Give me a break, L.
A.
Hey, Tommy, how much do we spend to take care of the city's palm trees? Oh, uh $50 million a year, sir.
50? Do you have any idea how many miles of bus lane I could buy with that? A bunch, I'll bet.
Sir, I have been trying to call attention to this topic for years! Palm trees are not even supposed to be here.
Most of them were planted for the 1932 Olympics to trick people into thinking L.
A.
wasn't a waterless scorpion graveyard.
So palm trees are expensive, dangerous, and they shouldn't be here in the first place.
Like an NFL franchise, sir.
They get tax breaks to build a $5 billion stadium, but we can't afford housing for the homeless? Wait.
What was I furious about before? - Eh, it was good.
- Palm trees, Arpi.
Yes! Here's what we do.
Hire the homeless to cut down all the palm trees and dump them in the stadium.
We're not chopping them down, but the city should be able to share the cost.
Wow.
Bold stand, sir.
I'm being sarcastic, but not when I said I'm being sarcastic.
- That was dead serious.
- All right.
Good morning.
New agenda item palm trees.
Can we replace them all with signs that say - "we are the virus"? - Okay.
First on the agenda, someone wrote "Jayden's big announcement" on here.
I'm gonna be a father! Oh, you mean like a Catholic priest? - Oh, that makes sense.
- Oh, now I get it.
- Celibacy.
- No! I mean a daddy of a baby! Oh.
Wow.
Uh who's the lucky well, the lady? We met at L.
A.
Comic-Con.
She was working the DC booth dressed as Talia al Ghul.
I was in my Aquaman costume, so the allure of the forbidden was in the air.
Well, uh, Jayden, this is wonderful news.
I'm sure that Samanthee? Samanthee will make a terrific mom.
Yeah! Totally! She already has all her makeup tattooed on so she won't have to waste any mommy time on that.
Also, you're all invited to the baby shower this afternoon.
I don't wanna impose a gender, so the cake will be gray.
Okay, moving on.
Item two, "everyone hugs Jayden"? - Absolutely not.
- No, we're not doing that.
You always leave a stain on my shirt.
There's only one thing I like less than workplace hugs, and that's not following the agenda.
Renegade, renegade, renegade Let's go Go, go, go, go, go Ooh, go, go, go Yeah, go, go, go L.
A.
is a damn hellscape, and I am not to blame.
Are you sure people are gonna understand that? There's a lot going on.
Well, it is trending under "dad bod fail.
" Sir, Victoria Santos from the Chamber of Commerce is calling.
Ah, thank you.
I should take this.
Ms.
Santos.
Mr.
Mayor, if you're gonna screw me like this, at least buy me dinner first.
Then, get my husband out of the house and put on a movie for my kids, one they can all agree on, so good luck with that.
Vicki, if this is about the TikTok, I hate it too, but we do have a problem here.
Yeah, you're trying to take away our palm trees.
No, no, no one's trying to take away Palm trees symbolize this city! We have countless local businesses with "palm" in their names.
Look, those trees are a menace, but I have to pay $50 million a year to keep them here.
So if your buddies want them, they gotta pay to maintain them.
They'll never go for that.
Bring them in.
Bring them all in.
- Let's have a meeting.
- Your funeral.
We'll be at the 18th hole of the Brentwood Country Club.
They're gonna use my ashes to make a golf ball, and Phil Mickelson's gonna hit a drive at sunset.
This will be nothing like that.
Sir, somebody changed the password to the city's TikTok account.
Where are you getting the costumes? Okay, there's no way that guy's actually gonna be a father.
Wait, do you not believe Samanthee, a fellow woman? - Oh.
- Hey.
Do one of you guys have, like, a coat hanger? Or hands? So, Jayden, have you and Samanthee discussed the, um, legalities of your situation? Oh, well, I offered to marry her, obviously, but she didn't wanna Put a ring on it That is not how that song goes.
What song? Anyway, I'm fine with whatever she wants.
I'm just so psyched to be a dad, you know, like my hero, my dad.
But there are some real things that you guys need to work out.
Like what about visitation? Or, um, grandparents' rights to see the kid? Oh, my grandparents are either all dead or estranged.
No, he means your parents.
My parents can see me whenever they want, - just not together.
- Oh, boy.
Um, Jayden, you need to get a lawyer.
Okay, well, you're a lawyer, right? - Well, I - Yes! Tommy would be happy to help because maybe Samanthee could come by and we could meet Samanthee.
Get a sense of her deal, maybe play two truths and a lie.
Yes, that is a very good idea.
Game night! I'll text Samanthee and see if she can get time off from the hospital tonight.
She gives blood, like, every day.
Following up on the palm trees, sir.
I found a guy who's willing to donate axes to the homeless.
And I've got the perfect native replacement flora, milkweed! Boy, oh, boy, do wasps love it.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
How do I not invite somebody to something without them finding out? You don't.
You have to invite everyone.
We do tons of workshops in school about this.
School is teaching you that? Exclusion is a form of relational aggression.
Oh, come on.
A little exclusion builds character.
I assume you're trying to exclude Jayden, but it's not his fault.
Most TikToks are bad.
It doesn't matter who the person is.
I just need this meeting to go well.
Dad, exclusion always backfires.
Do you remember what happened in seventh grade when Olivia P.
didn't invite Olivia S.
to a bowling party? There are too many Olivias to keep track of.
We were at SkyBowl, just talking and having a good time, but Olivia P.
was mad because none of us were taking the bowling seriously.
Yep, I'm following this.
Then, Olivia S.
showed up with her parents in the next lane, and she went totally psycho.
Got it.
Psycho.
She started screaming that she was gonna tell Ms.
Adams, so Olivia P.
panicked and was like, "No, this isn't my birthday party.
We're on a bowling team.
" So we had to pretend to be the middle school bowling team and bowl so much.
And they never brought the cake out, and they sent us the gift bags in the mail, and by that time, - the gerbils were dead.
- Ooh! It's like Ms.
Adams always raps, "Ditch the 'tude.
Don't exclude.
" Oh, boy.
Ms.
Adams should not be rapping, right? No, it's really bad.
Yeah, even I know that.
Book a room at the Y.
I'll do an ax seminar for the homeless.
Then, we seize the Ram's stadium by eminent domain, fill it with dead palm trees, then sell the mulch.
Yes! This building's tall, like Vegas! Sure.
Um, so we just have some standard documents to go over.
But first of all, congratulations.
I know, right? The timing on this baby thing is, like, perfect.
Oh, the timing is? I just found out you have to have a license to make CBD dog food out of your home, but you don't need a license for cute internet kid videos.
Ah! Plus, if I have it at a theme park, lawsuit.
And just to cross all of our Ts here, you and Mr.
Kwapis have confirmed his paternity? No, a woman knows.
Right, Mystique? - Oh, it's Mikaela, actually.
- Mikaela? I don't know.
You look like a Mystique.
Anyway, I know it's not any of those other guys.
Oh, no, coffee.
Here it comes.
Look out, accident! Oh, no, the paperwork.
We have to redo it.
Not the paperwork.
Will you come back when we redo the paperwork? Sure.
I'll just go lay out.
I'm tanning for two.
Mm! Jayden.
I'm so sorry about the papers, guys.
- I didn't mean to.
- You didn't? You naturally said, "Oh, no, coffee.
Here it comes.
Look out, accident"? Yeah, why? But you heard what she said about - being with other guys, right? - So? I mean, it's not like we're exclusive.
You guys remember Emily from the Dodgers? I'm not one to kiss and tell, but we hugged.
If this was a TV show, it'd be called "The Romances of Jayden.
" Okay, but you have no proof that you're the biological father.
Then out of all those guys, why did she say I was? Because you're how do I put this? Extremely gullible.
The other day, I heard you give out your social security number on the phone.
The man said I was nominated for a Social Security Award.
We're just saying that Samanthee is shady.
We're only looking out for you.
No, I see what this is.
Jayden is having a baby, and all you two have is college debt and rejection emails from Raya.
I filled out the form wrong, okay? It's being rectified.
It's like how you're jealous of your sister's baby, and how mad you get every time you see Neil Patrick Harris' "Architectural Digest" cover.
I'm not jealous, I just hate what they did with the charades room.
Looking out for me? As if.
You know, you guys are uninvited to the baby shower.
And when I do the balloon release, do not look at them.
They are not for you.
Okay.
Thank you all for coming in to meet with me.
I know together we can find a reasonable so Yeah, don't bother with this let's share the cost nonsense.
That idea is a big old penguin, 'cause it ain't gonna fly.
Hey look, I get it, I get it.
You guys need palm trees.
Whether it's because you own a business with "palm" in the name or you run an outdoor boot camp.
What are my hot gays supposed to climb? Or you're a Hollywood locations manager.
We're gonna have to shoot the "La La Land" sequel in Tampa.
Tampa! And obviously, you need palm fronds for Sukkot.
So what kind of business do you run, sir? - A dry cleaners.
- Great.
So annually, how much do you But that's not why I'm here.
Using codes on license plates, aliens taught us how to impregnate palm trees and create a super race.
Oh, my God, this city.
- This is my son - What And we're very litigious.
Mr.
Mayor, you're gonna destroy Los Angeles.
And the universe.
I'm just asking you to take that off my table.
I'm just asking you to consider.
- That's all I'm asking from you.
- Uh-uh.
We are not playing your little game, it's insane.
And frankly, you're being a total psycho.
- I'm a psycho? - Mm.
- Huh.
- Hella psycho.
What? I'm an L.
A.
rabbi.
Dad, do you have the Postmates password? The food here is, like, subhuman.
Sorry this meeting's taking so long.
It's a disaster.
I'm so glad I didn't invite Arpi.
Wait, Arpi is the one you didn't invite? Hey, do me a favor.
Take my phone, order whatever you want.
We're downtown, so it's mostly bulk meat, but it's good.
Dad, palm trees are, like, Arpi's thing.
She had a whole binder.
It had color-coded tabs.
Sweetie, I know you think this is toxic Boomer-linity or whatever.
But do not say anything to Arpi, okay? I gotta go.
Mikaela, are we jealous? Of my sister's baby? No, we're both cute.
It's not a competition unless she makes it a competition.
No, of Jayden.
Was he right? I mean, I don't want kids per se, but I always thought that by now I'd at least have, like, a French bulldog and an at-risk teen - I keep forgetting to mentor.
- Yeah.
Jayden is supposed to be here to make me feel better about myself.
Now he's got a kid, and he gets his hair to curl like that without any product? You know, we said we were just looking out for him, but if that were really true, would we have stopped looking out just 'cause he got mad at us? When was L.
A.
Comic-Con? Why would I know? 'Cause Chris Pine is sometimes there.
- Deputy Mayor Meskimen.
- Orly.
Tell your old man I'm almost done here.
He asked me to find every mention of the word "tree" in the city charter.
I found two, one of which was a typo for "three.
" You were Olivia S.
at the bowling party.
Is that a Netflix show about sexy teen suicide or My dad is trying to distract you so that you don't go to his palm tree meeting.
It's happening right now.
Relational aggression.
Orly, thank you for having my back.
The future is female.
Actually, gender is a construct, but I'm still rooting for you.
Look, palm fronds don't kill people.
Gravity kills people.
Only if you let it, human.
- Free your mind.
- Okay.
Mr.
Mayor, without the palm trees In the pandemic We're off track here.
All right, I'm gonna need you all to do two types of ups: shut and listen.
Arpi, please, please calm down.
Oh, it's too late for that, sir.
If you wanted calm Arpi, you should have invited her to the meeting.
Now you get fired-up, ineptly swearing Arpi, you bitch craps.
- If I may - You mayn't.
This excessive concern with palm trees that you have is a sickness.
They are not even endemic to Los Angeles.
Nothing is.
Not grass, not water, and don't get me started on people.
You think human beings shouldn't be here? You know what the native tribes call this region? Nothing! Because they knew better than to try to live here.
I say we return L.
A.
to its vacant desert state, and give it back to the mini wolves.
Howl if you're with me.
Hey, I said you're not invited, okay? So have a slice of cake, decorate a onesie, - hug me, and then go.
- It's okay.
We're just here to drop off the new paperwork.
- Where did you get that from? - We took it off your desk during the half hour you were in the bathroom.
Because I have problems urinating.
It shows a fetal development of eight weeks, tops.
But L.
A.
Comic-Con was three months ago, over a month before that was made.
But that's impossible because of time.
But when I was at Comic-Con, I got my picture taken inside the "Back to the Future" DeLorean.
- So maybe - Oh, my God! Just forget it.
You're not the father, okay? What? No! No, my proposal is off the table.
It is off the table, and it is on the floor.
There's no five-second rule, the cat's got it! Thanks a lot.
Now I have to track down the real dad, Zac Efron's trainer.
- That guy must be hot.
- And outstanding at his job.
Why wouldn't you just go to him in the first place? Because Jayden would actually be, like, nice to the kid, teach it stuff, give it a better name, than whatever I'll come up with.
I'm thinking "Vape" spelled with a dollar sign? Where would it go? After, in parentheses.
Ugh! Ideally, the San Andreas Fault snaps and just catapults everything south of Hollister into the ocean, and we start over.
Look, look, you can leave if you want to, but we still have to figure this out, hmm? I want a one-on-one tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, I'm not available tomorrow.
But I'm free, as free as every prisoner in America should be, and I take prescription lozenges so I can just talk.
Okay, Arpi, you got what you want.
This show is yours.
How's 4:00 a.
m.
for you folks tomorrow? I think someone mentioned half earlier? Us paying half.
Could we just do that? Oh, yeah, but you had turned down my offer.
60%, we'll pay 60.
Let's just stop talking about it, okay? That worked out swell, didn't it? We just saved the city $30 million.
Bus lane.
Here come the buses.
Oh, I'm good.
You used me.
You made me a non-consensual bad cop to get your filthy compromise.
I didn't use you, Arpi.
I would never oh, for Okay, all right.
Maybe I lightly utilized you.
I didn't plan it, but they wouldn't come to their senses, so yeah, yeah, I had a little helper, trick my bad cop into interrupting the meeting.
Wait, what? Right, you're here.
I love you.
You wanted her to.
You used me! Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
So you didn't learn anything from me? Oh, but I did.
Remember your birthday party story? Olivia P.
got exactly what she wanted.
Everyone agreed to hunker down and bowl because Olivia S.
was screaming like a lunatic.
Arpi, in this metaphor, bowling - Yeah, we get it.
- We are not idiots, sir.
Yeah, I don't like the two of you on the same side.
- Get him.
- No, not my face.
Hey, mind if we sit down? I don't know, can you? Listen, Jayden, what we said before about Samanthee Yeah, we thought she looked at you and saw someone who'd believe whatever she told him.
Oh, really? Well, but I didn't believe her when she said I look like Josh Gad.
I knew that was just pillow talk.
The point is, we were wrong.
She chose you because she knew that out of all the guys who could be the father, she knew you'd be the best father.
And you will be someday.
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
Until then, I have my work family, where I'm the baby.
No, Jayden, we're not doing that.
But I'm thirsty.
- I want juice.
- Absolutely not.
It's just easier if we get him juice, Mikaela.
I'm just a loser Shouldn't be with ya Guess I'm a quitter While you're out there drinking I'm just here thinking About where I should've been I've been lonely Mm, ah, yeah La, la, la, la, whoo! I feel wonderful today.
Look at my little outfit.
I know I don't understand social media, but this seems bad, right? What? No.
Oh, the comments.
"Dr.
Frankenstein and his monster"? Which one am I?
It's 4:00 a.
m.
, Monday morning.
I'm Chet Danville.
Grover Sepulveda died in 2003.
Joining us today to talk about his push for dedicated bus lanes, the 43rd mayor of L.
A.
, the Honorable Neil Bremer.
Thanks, Chet.
Why is this live? Also joining us is the 42nd mayor of L.
A.
, Victor Delgado.
My God.
I didn't recognize you.
I I thought you were an animal expert or something.
No, more like Princess is an expert on me.
So what have you been doing since you left office, Vic? Self-care, Chet.
I've been meditating.
I took a Zoom break, so I wanted to come on and let all my fellow Angelenos know that Victor Delgado is almost back to normal.
Oh, that's so good to hear.
You served during such a difficult time.
Oh, did I? Thanks, 'cause I forgot about when that lady in Playa del Rey shot me with a BB gun for handing out masks.
The last time I was on this show, I was begging people not to drink bleach! Or do drink it, but in moderation.
I know it's a tough job, but Do you? What have you done? A straw ban and some scooter helmets? And eventually, a bus lane.
And that's cool! Rock bands ride in buses.
Uh-huh, and how are you gonna pay for that? The city's broke.
Chet, I-I think your viewers Viewer, singular.
Helen got Netflix.
Uh, my point is that the bus lane will get paid for.
If anyone knows how to work a budget, it is me, Neil It's now 4:02 and that means we're out of time.
Thanks for watching, Steve.
Up next, static.
Hey.
What are you doing here? - School's closed.
- Closed? For what? There was an accident.
Did you not see the official school TikTok? Some palm tree branches fell and knocked a girl unconscious.
Down south, hood baby Hood baby make all the girls go crazy Go, go, go This is how they disseminate important information? L.
A.
is a damn hellscape, and I am not to blame.
What see, those palm trees need to be maintained.
What is her plan to rectify this? - That's what I wanna know.
- Um, let me see.
These palm trees are on city property.
So to everyone attacking me, um, let's think.
Whose responsibility is this, really? Uh oh.
If only someone from the Gregory community worked for the city.
Is she talking about me? Oh, sarcasm.
What the ancient Greeks called "dÃgma orgizménu adrós estÃ," the bite of the sassy man.
Give me a break, L.
A.
Hey, Tommy, how much do we spend to take care of the city's palm trees? Oh, uh $50 million a year, sir.
50? Do you have any idea how many miles of bus lane I could buy with that? A bunch, I'll bet.
Sir, I have been trying to call attention to this topic for years! Palm trees are not even supposed to be here.
Most of them were planted for the 1932 Olympics to trick people into thinking L.
A.
wasn't a waterless scorpion graveyard.
So palm trees are expensive, dangerous, and they shouldn't be here in the first place.
Like an NFL franchise, sir.
They get tax breaks to build a $5 billion stadium, but we can't afford housing for the homeless? Wait.
What was I furious about before? - Eh, it was good.
- Palm trees, Arpi.
Yes! Here's what we do.
Hire the homeless to cut down all the palm trees and dump them in the stadium.
We're not chopping them down, but the city should be able to share the cost.
Wow.
Bold stand, sir.
I'm being sarcastic, but not when I said I'm being sarcastic.
- That was dead serious.
- All right.
Good morning.
New agenda item palm trees.
Can we replace them all with signs that say - "we are the virus"? - Okay.
First on the agenda, someone wrote "Jayden's big announcement" on here.
I'm gonna be a father! Oh, you mean like a Catholic priest? - Oh, that makes sense.
- Oh, now I get it.
- Celibacy.
- No! I mean a daddy of a baby! Oh.
Wow.
Uh who's the lucky well, the lady? We met at L.
A.
Comic-Con.
She was working the DC booth dressed as Talia al Ghul.
I was in my Aquaman costume, so the allure of the forbidden was in the air.
Well, uh, Jayden, this is wonderful news.
I'm sure that Samanthee? Samanthee will make a terrific mom.
Yeah! Totally! She already has all her makeup tattooed on so she won't have to waste any mommy time on that.
Also, you're all invited to the baby shower this afternoon.
I don't wanna impose a gender, so the cake will be gray.
Okay, moving on.
Item two, "everyone hugs Jayden"? - Absolutely not.
- No, we're not doing that.
You always leave a stain on my shirt.
There's only one thing I like less than workplace hugs, and that's not following the agenda.
Renegade, renegade, renegade Let's go Go, go, go, go, go Ooh, go, go, go Yeah, go, go, go L.
A.
is a damn hellscape, and I am not to blame.
Are you sure people are gonna understand that? There's a lot going on.
Well, it is trending under "dad bod fail.
" Sir, Victoria Santos from the Chamber of Commerce is calling.
Ah, thank you.
I should take this.
Ms.
Santos.
Mr.
Mayor, if you're gonna screw me like this, at least buy me dinner first.
Then, get my husband out of the house and put on a movie for my kids, one they can all agree on, so good luck with that.
Vicki, if this is about the TikTok, I hate it too, but we do have a problem here.
Yeah, you're trying to take away our palm trees.
No, no, no one's trying to take away Palm trees symbolize this city! We have countless local businesses with "palm" in their names.
Look, those trees are a menace, but I have to pay $50 million a year to keep them here.
So if your buddies want them, they gotta pay to maintain them.
They'll never go for that.
Bring them in.
Bring them all in.
- Let's have a meeting.
- Your funeral.
We'll be at the 18th hole of the Brentwood Country Club.
They're gonna use my ashes to make a golf ball, and Phil Mickelson's gonna hit a drive at sunset.
This will be nothing like that.
Sir, somebody changed the password to the city's TikTok account.
Where are you getting the costumes? Okay, there's no way that guy's actually gonna be a father.
Wait, do you not believe Samanthee, a fellow woman? - Oh.
- Hey.
Do one of you guys have, like, a coat hanger? Or hands? So, Jayden, have you and Samanthee discussed the, um, legalities of your situation? Oh, well, I offered to marry her, obviously, but she didn't wanna Put a ring on it That is not how that song goes.
What song? Anyway, I'm fine with whatever she wants.
I'm just so psyched to be a dad, you know, like my hero, my dad.
But there are some real things that you guys need to work out.
Like what about visitation? Or, um, grandparents' rights to see the kid? Oh, my grandparents are either all dead or estranged.
No, he means your parents.
My parents can see me whenever they want, - just not together.
- Oh, boy.
Um, Jayden, you need to get a lawyer.
Okay, well, you're a lawyer, right? - Well, I - Yes! Tommy would be happy to help because maybe Samanthee could come by and we could meet Samanthee.
Get a sense of her deal, maybe play two truths and a lie.
Yes, that is a very good idea.
Game night! I'll text Samanthee and see if she can get time off from the hospital tonight.
She gives blood, like, every day.
Following up on the palm trees, sir.
I found a guy who's willing to donate axes to the homeless.
And I've got the perfect native replacement flora, milkweed! Boy, oh, boy, do wasps love it.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
How do I not invite somebody to something without them finding out? You don't.
You have to invite everyone.
We do tons of workshops in school about this.
School is teaching you that? Exclusion is a form of relational aggression.
Oh, come on.
A little exclusion builds character.
I assume you're trying to exclude Jayden, but it's not his fault.
Most TikToks are bad.
It doesn't matter who the person is.
I just need this meeting to go well.
Dad, exclusion always backfires.
Do you remember what happened in seventh grade when Olivia P.
didn't invite Olivia S.
to a bowling party? There are too many Olivias to keep track of.
We were at SkyBowl, just talking and having a good time, but Olivia P.
was mad because none of us were taking the bowling seriously.
Yep, I'm following this.
Then, Olivia S.
showed up with her parents in the next lane, and she went totally psycho.
Got it.
Psycho.
She started screaming that she was gonna tell Ms.
Adams, so Olivia P.
panicked and was like, "No, this isn't my birthday party.
We're on a bowling team.
" So we had to pretend to be the middle school bowling team and bowl so much.
And they never brought the cake out, and they sent us the gift bags in the mail, and by that time, - the gerbils were dead.
- Ooh! It's like Ms.
Adams always raps, "Ditch the 'tude.
Don't exclude.
" Oh, boy.
Ms.
Adams should not be rapping, right? No, it's really bad.
Yeah, even I know that.
Book a room at the Y.
I'll do an ax seminar for the homeless.
Then, we seize the Ram's stadium by eminent domain, fill it with dead palm trees, then sell the mulch.
Yes! This building's tall, like Vegas! Sure.
Um, so we just have some standard documents to go over.
But first of all, congratulations.
I know, right? The timing on this baby thing is, like, perfect.
Oh, the timing is? I just found out you have to have a license to make CBD dog food out of your home, but you don't need a license for cute internet kid videos.
Ah! Plus, if I have it at a theme park, lawsuit.
And just to cross all of our Ts here, you and Mr.
Kwapis have confirmed his paternity? No, a woman knows.
Right, Mystique? - Oh, it's Mikaela, actually.
- Mikaela? I don't know.
You look like a Mystique.
Anyway, I know it's not any of those other guys.
Oh, no, coffee.
Here it comes.
Look out, accident! Oh, no, the paperwork.
We have to redo it.
Not the paperwork.
Will you come back when we redo the paperwork? Sure.
I'll just go lay out.
I'm tanning for two.
Mm! Jayden.
I'm so sorry about the papers, guys.
- I didn't mean to.
- You didn't? You naturally said, "Oh, no, coffee.
Here it comes.
Look out, accident"? Yeah, why? But you heard what she said about - being with other guys, right? - So? I mean, it's not like we're exclusive.
You guys remember Emily from the Dodgers? I'm not one to kiss and tell, but we hugged.
If this was a TV show, it'd be called "The Romances of Jayden.
" Okay, but you have no proof that you're the biological father.
Then out of all those guys, why did she say I was? Because you're how do I put this? Extremely gullible.
The other day, I heard you give out your social security number on the phone.
The man said I was nominated for a Social Security Award.
We're just saying that Samanthee is shady.
We're only looking out for you.
No, I see what this is.
Jayden is having a baby, and all you two have is college debt and rejection emails from Raya.
I filled out the form wrong, okay? It's being rectified.
It's like how you're jealous of your sister's baby, and how mad you get every time you see Neil Patrick Harris' "Architectural Digest" cover.
I'm not jealous, I just hate what they did with the charades room.
Looking out for me? As if.
You know, you guys are uninvited to the baby shower.
And when I do the balloon release, do not look at them.
They are not for you.
Okay.
Thank you all for coming in to meet with me.
I know together we can find a reasonable so Yeah, don't bother with this let's share the cost nonsense.
That idea is a big old penguin, 'cause it ain't gonna fly.
Hey look, I get it, I get it.
You guys need palm trees.
Whether it's because you own a business with "palm" in the name or you run an outdoor boot camp.
What are my hot gays supposed to climb? Or you're a Hollywood locations manager.
We're gonna have to shoot the "La La Land" sequel in Tampa.
Tampa! And obviously, you need palm fronds for Sukkot.
So what kind of business do you run, sir? - A dry cleaners.
- Great.
So annually, how much do you But that's not why I'm here.
Using codes on license plates, aliens taught us how to impregnate palm trees and create a super race.
Oh, my God, this city.
- This is my son - What And we're very litigious.
Mr.
Mayor, you're gonna destroy Los Angeles.
And the universe.
I'm just asking you to take that off my table.
I'm just asking you to consider.
- That's all I'm asking from you.
- Uh-uh.
We are not playing your little game, it's insane.
And frankly, you're being a total psycho.
- I'm a psycho? - Mm.
- Huh.
- Hella psycho.
What? I'm an L.
A.
rabbi.
Dad, do you have the Postmates password? The food here is, like, subhuman.
Sorry this meeting's taking so long.
It's a disaster.
I'm so glad I didn't invite Arpi.
Wait, Arpi is the one you didn't invite? Hey, do me a favor.
Take my phone, order whatever you want.
We're downtown, so it's mostly bulk meat, but it's good.
Dad, palm trees are, like, Arpi's thing.
She had a whole binder.
It had color-coded tabs.
Sweetie, I know you think this is toxic Boomer-linity or whatever.
But do not say anything to Arpi, okay? I gotta go.
Mikaela, are we jealous? Of my sister's baby? No, we're both cute.
It's not a competition unless she makes it a competition.
No, of Jayden.
Was he right? I mean, I don't want kids per se, but I always thought that by now I'd at least have, like, a French bulldog and an at-risk teen - I keep forgetting to mentor.
- Yeah.
Jayden is supposed to be here to make me feel better about myself.
Now he's got a kid, and he gets his hair to curl like that without any product? You know, we said we were just looking out for him, but if that were really true, would we have stopped looking out just 'cause he got mad at us? When was L.
A.
Comic-Con? Why would I know? 'Cause Chris Pine is sometimes there.
- Deputy Mayor Meskimen.
- Orly.
Tell your old man I'm almost done here.
He asked me to find every mention of the word "tree" in the city charter.
I found two, one of which was a typo for "three.
" You were Olivia S.
at the bowling party.
Is that a Netflix show about sexy teen suicide or My dad is trying to distract you so that you don't go to his palm tree meeting.
It's happening right now.
Relational aggression.
Orly, thank you for having my back.
The future is female.
Actually, gender is a construct, but I'm still rooting for you.
Look, palm fronds don't kill people.
Gravity kills people.
Only if you let it, human.
- Free your mind.
- Okay.
Mr.
Mayor, without the palm trees In the pandemic We're off track here.
All right, I'm gonna need you all to do two types of ups: shut and listen.
Arpi, please, please calm down.
Oh, it's too late for that, sir.
If you wanted calm Arpi, you should have invited her to the meeting.
Now you get fired-up, ineptly swearing Arpi, you bitch craps.
- If I may - You mayn't.
This excessive concern with palm trees that you have is a sickness.
They are not even endemic to Los Angeles.
Nothing is.
Not grass, not water, and don't get me started on people.
You think human beings shouldn't be here? You know what the native tribes call this region? Nothing! Because they knew better than to try to live here.
I say we return L.
A.
to its vacant desert state, and give it back to the mini wolves.
Howl if you're with me.
Hey, I said you're not invited, okay? So have a slice of cake, decorate a onesie, - hug me, and then go.
- It's okay.
We're just here to drop off the new paperwork.
- Where did you get that from? - We took it off your desk during the half hour you were in the bathroom.
Because I have problems urinating.
It shows a fetal development of eight weeks, tops.
But L.
A.
Comic-Con was three months ago, over a month before that was made.
But that's impossible because of time.
But when I was at Comic-Con, I got my picture taken inside the "Back to the Future" DeLorean.
- So maybe - Oh, my God! Just forget it.
You're not the father, okay? What? No! No, my proposal is off the table.
It is off the table, and it is on the floor.
There's no five-second rule, the cat's got it! Thanks a lot.
Now I have to track down the real dad, Zac Efron's trainer.
- That guy must be hot.
- And outstanding at his job.
Why wouldn't you just go to him in the first place? Because Jayden would actually be, like, nice to the kid, teach it stuff, give it a better name, than whatever I'll come up with.
I'm thinking "Vape" spelled with a dollar sign? Where would it go? After, in parentheses.
Ugh! Ideally, the San Andreas Fault snaps and just catapults everything south of Hollister into the ocean, and we start over.
Look, look, you can leave if you want to, but we still have to figure this out, hmm? I want a one-on-one tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, I'm not available tomorrow.
But I'm free, as free as every prisoner in America should be, and I take prescription lozenges so I can just talk.
Okay, Arpi, you got what you want.
This show is yours.
How's 4:00 a.
m.
for you folks tomorrow? I think someone mentioned half earlier? Us paying half.
Could we just do that? Oh, yeah, but you had turned down my offer.
60%, we'll pay 60.
Let's just stop talking about it, okay? That worked out swell, didn't it? We just saved the city $30 million.
Bus lane.
Here come the buses.
Oh, I'm good.
You used me.
You made me a non-consensual bad cop to get your filthy compromise.
I didn't use you, Arpi.
I would never oh, for Okay, all right.
Maybe I lightly utilized you.
I didn't plan it, but they wouldn't come to their senses, so yeah, yeah, I had a little helper, trick my bad cop into interrupting the meeting.
Wait, what? Right, you're here.
I love you.
You wanted her to.
You used me! Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
So you didn't learn anything from me? Oh, but I did.
Remember your birthday party story? Olivia P.
got exactly what she wanted.
Everyone agreed to hunker down and bowl because Olivia S.
was screaming like a lunatic.
Arpi, in this metaphor, bowling - Yeah, we get it.
- We are not idiots, sir.
Yeah, I don't like the two of you on the same side.
- Get him.
- No, not my face.
Hey, mind if we sit down? I don't know, can you? Listen, Jayden, what we said before about Samanthee Yeah, we thought she looked at you and saw someone who'd believe whatever she told him.
Oh, really? Well, but I didn't believe her when she said I look like Josh Gad.
I knew that was just pillow talk.
The point is, we were wrong.
She chose you because she knew that out of all the guys who could be the father, she knew you'd be the best father.
And you will be someday.
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
Until then, I have my work family, where I'm the baby.
No, Jayden, we're not doing that.
But I'm thirsty.
- I want juice.
- Absolutely not.
It's just easier if we get him juice, Mikaela.
I'm just a loser Shouldn't be with ya Guess I'm a quitter While you're out there drinking I'm just here thinking About where I should've been I've been lonely Mm, ah, yeah La, la, la, la, whoo! I feel wonderful today.
Look at my little outfit.
I know I don't understand social media, but this seems bad, right? What? No.
Oh, the comments.
"Dr.
Frankenstein and his monster"? Which one am I?