Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e03 Episode Script
Trampage
1
Yet again we're seeing
record-high temperatures
here in the Southland, Mayor Bremer.
Is it global warming or God punishing Hollywood for its many sins? Andrea, this heat wave is putting a lot of stress on the electrical grid.
We're all suffering.
Uh, but we all we all have to do our, uh our part, you know, to conserve energy.
Even even here at at City Hall, we are Jayden.
Sorry.
Well, we're turning the AC off, uh during peak hours and rolling blackouts have - It's too hot in there.
- The mayor is Yeah, rolling blackouts have have happened.
Anyway, do your part.
Stay cool, L.
A.
Thank you in advance for your patience.
The city's free cooling center will be open soon.
The website said 10:00 to 6:00.
What I'm hearing is the website works.
But we did have a little problem with our vendor.
The tent we ordered is currently being used at a For Your Consideration event for "The Marvelous Mrs.
Maisel.
" I promise we will get it back as soon as Tony Shalhoub finishes the Q&A.
Mr.
Tomás? Uh, we have lukewarm bags of water that were once ice.
Bad news Shalhoub is taking questions about "Monk" now.
They did 125 episodes.
That could take all day.
We got to get some kind of structure down here now.
Okay, my guy's at the warehouse, and he found a tent.
It's from the last "Real Housewives" reunion so it had some hair and blood on it.
- Hose it down, make it work.
- You got it.
All right, a solution is in the works.
Mikaela, you've been online dating for a very long time.
I got to the end of Hinge.
Well, I joined this dating app, but You're getting mixed messages? Like, you think you swiped on a single guy, but it turns out it's a couple looking for a third, and at first, you're like, "No way", but then you're like, "I don't know, at least everyone's being honest here.
" No, actually, it's been going great.
Awesome, me too.
Yeah, I've been matched with so many lovely ladies.
Cool, cool, being a man seems cool.
But flirting online is just so different.
All this texting instead of meeting in person.
Yep, I prefer to meet women the old-fashioned way.
Selling candy bars while they're eating outside at a restaurant and their boyfriend's in the bathroom.
See, I'm trying to find something real here, but I can't get out of the small-talk stage.
All these women keep asking me to tell them what street I grew up on and my mother's maiden name, which seems a little weird, but I just don't know what's normal anymore.
- Mm - Yeah, please.
Oh, honey.
Wait, we're allowed to call him honey? No.
Absolutely not.
Sorry, it's just it's a scam.
These are bots you're flirting with robots that are trying to steal your identity.
Wait, there's nothing wrong with robots, okay? I've had a thing for that Star Tours droid for years.
Oh, no.
I'd like to see a bot with a figure like this.
That's probably just a stolen image.
Yeah, that's the lady from the sexy senior asthma commercials.
Now I have enough breath to blow a kiss.
Oh, Ventilify.
I'm on that, but it's to inhibit hair growth.
Oh, this profile's using a pic of her, too.
No, no, I've messaged with this gal.
- She's a flight attendant.
- No, that's the same actress.
She also plays a flight attendant in the Delta Air Lines safety video.
So buckle up for fun because fun is as good as on time.
Wait, I Googled her.
Her name is Angelica Masters, and she's on the Champagne Chestnut box of L'Oréal hair dye.
So many of these fake accounts use her pictures.
I guess the algorithm knows what it's doing.
She's basically a Chico's supermodel.
This is unacceptable.
They're toying with people's feelings.
I thought an actual woman wanted to know the name of my first pet! You know something? I'm in a position to do something about this.
And someone has to let Angelica Masters know.
Are you sure, sir? We really should be dealing with these blackouts.
- Hey, Kathy.
- What? Get get Angelica Masters! That was intense.
How'd you stay so calm back there? Experience.
Faith in the process.
I'm gonna duck into this mini mart for a second.
You want anything? I'll go with you.
That's not what I asked.
Do you want anything? I want to see the choices! Looks like they got some cool stuff in the back there.
I'm seeing corn nuts, washer fluid, fake Academy Awards for people with common Western names.
No, I just want a cold drink.
Hey, Arpi.
Four Ladybug Luck scratchers coming up.
I think you're mistaking me for another tiny Arpi.
Oh, you.
I love that you take time to joke.
I think we'd be friends even if you didn't buy lottery tickets every day.
Okay, fine.
Now you know my secret shame.
An emotional affair with a convenience store clerk? No.
It's the scratchers, okay? They're my thing.
These will pay for those.
Okay, see you tomorrow, Arpi! I know they're a waste of money and a regressive tax on the poor but after a hellish morning like we just had, I need a little win or a loss it doesn't even matter.
These keep me sane, so stop judging me.
I'm not judging anyone.
Some people need vices to cope.
Oh, but you don't? What can I say? Some of us are just well adjusted.
#BuiltDifferent.
Free ticket! Are you at least being smart about this? - What does that mean? Scratchers are random.
Well, I read this article that there are ways to game the system.
You know, buy in bulk, chat up store owners to see which locations are due to hit, choose new games over old.
Well, shoot, I'm gonna have to give those tricks a try.
- Ooh, is that cold? - Yeah, I just got it.
Coping mechanism.
Look, obviously, I get why they use your picture.
Well, it's been going on for a while.
I appeal to sex-positive seniors, senior-curious millennials, and meme-loving incels.
I just hate that my photo is being used to catfish people and that the name of my favorite fish now means something so dark.
Well, if you feel that strongly, maybe we could team up.
Well, I happen to be in town shooting a commercial for the new Depends thong.
I suppose I could record something later this week.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Uh, I'll I'll have my comms department get in touch with your people.
Well, there is just one issue.
How do I know that you're not a bot? Maybe send me a bunch of pictures and have me click on all the stop signs.
Or we could meet in person.
Do you eat dinner? Every night, except when I fall asleep on the couch.
Great, I'll see you tonight.
I must say, though while I'm not a robot, I am a machine in bed.
Morning.
Whoa, someone's in a good mood.
It's me.
I had breakfast churros.
Why did I wait so long to date women my own age? Oh, because you're rich, sir.
I had a fantastic night with Angelica.
You know, when you're with someone your own age, you connect in such a different way.
Like about wills and stuff? Like about our favorite books and music and how all other generations are the worst.
I'm telling you, I think this could be something special.
Okay, so, just to summarize, you've been on an app for one week.
You got catfished using a picture of an actress, but then you just met that actress and took her out.
Where do you even take a commercial queen? I mean, she's already twirled through a field of daisies.
Actually, we never even left the hotel room.
- Are you gonna be a dad? - Okay.
Gross/congratulations, sir, but the office is not the place to discuss your one-night stand.
I think you mean first-night stand.
If this were a one-night stand, would we have been texting all morning? Ah, I don't really see a we texting here.
I see you triple-texting in exchange for a thumbs-up reaction? Yeah, so? What's better than a thumbs-up? Right, Jayden? Oh my God, thank you, sir! 1,000 buckaroos.
Last night, I followed your advice, and I hit it big on scratchers.
Oh, that's great.
You'd think so.
But around 4:00 a.
m.
, I was still awake, and I realized the truth you ruined me.
Mm, you know, I really thought I was safe from ever having this conversation with a woman.
Turns out the best part of playing scratchers isn't the money.
It's the Wa-cha! the unpredictability, and you took that away.
Okay.
I guess I'm sorry that I helped you win a bunch of money? Your apology is like the Super Bowl.
Just because it's happening doesn't mean I care about it.
What kind of sorcery is this? Why why am I mad you gave me $1,000? Hey, Mikaela, are we coordinating with the Beverly Hills Mayor's Office about these power outages? Yes, sir.
They're encouraging residents to evacuate to the nearest Mercedes S-, E-, or C-Class.
Anything about cell towers being down? I'm hearing a lot of talk about texts not getting through.
Oh, please don't tell me this is what I think it is.
Well, just look at this, though.
I mean, yesterday Angelica responded right away.
See? Look, question mark, "Okay", "Can't talk right now", "Driving" and then an emoji with no mouth.
But today look at that.
Nothing.
Sir, she's ghosting you.
Ghosting me? Don't listen to Mikaela, sir.
This is standard cat-and-mouse stuff.
I go years without hearing from women.
Okay, maybe we can save this.
What have you texted her today? - Whoa.
- Oh, God.
Did you copy and paste all the lyrics to a Joni Mitchell song? No.
No, I I typed them out.
And a voice memo? It does voice memos? Siri, search Angelica Masters control-top pantyhose.
And you sent her a red heart? Sir, the progression is green heart, yellow heart, purple heart, pink heart, double-pink heart, then red heart.
A red heart is what you send to your mom on, like, Mothers' Day or to your dad when he sends you a picture of fish he caught and you don't know how else to connect.
God, what's wrong with me? I'm being a total doofus.
And it's because of this thing.
I'm gonna go talk to her face-to-face.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Sir, I am gonna tell you what I would tell any friend of mine.
Do not contact Angelica for one year.
You're being hyperbolic.
You need her to forget what you did.
Come on.
I am being as serious as Nicole Kidman in a drama where she cannot be Australian.
One year, minimum.
I'll set a one-year timer on your phone, sir.
Is the old car horn ringtone okay? No, no, no.
Ms.
Shaw, did you see my memo? Uh, yeah, you're mad at Tommy because he made you too good at scratchers? Yes.
You may have noticed the erasers have been gnawed off all the office pencils.
It was my doing.
I I'm a little on edge.
Arpi, there's a Salvatore for you on line one.
I will call him back, Véronica! This is the time of day I'd normally be scratching.
Yeah.
Hey, I get it.
You know, when I'm overwhelmed, I just take a Buzzfeed quiz.
Show me.
Omelet.
"Despicable Me.
" Boxer briefs.
Tomato soup.
A sunset.
The blue dress.
The light-blue dress.
The strapless blue dress.
Boxer briefs.
Butter pecan.
Simba.
Done.
And your ideal roommate is Olivia Rodrigo! Ooh, fun.
This does not float my barge.
Okay.
Well, let's just take another one quiz.
Which "Sex and the City" character are you? Easy.
Magda.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, this job is a killer.
I used to stress-eat, but I've gotten a handle on it through daily meditation.
I was just gonna do my app if you want to do it with me? I guess we could find a private Oh, right here.
Hi, I'm Coyote Dewitt.
Welcome to "The Mindful Minute.
" Let's begin, as always, by focusing on our "braadth.
" Breathing in, stopping to notice where the "braadth" goes in and the "braadth" goes out.
Why does she say "breath" so weird? That's supposed to be "breath"? I thought Braadth was some new god I was supposed to pray to.
3:00, everybody.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
No, no, no! It's a brownout.
No! I'm going to the break-room fridge, and I'm gonna eat all the food before it melts! Oh, yeah.
That'll get you there.
The stakes here may be too high.
I bit into this thinking it was a lemon scone, and it is very much a tuna melt.
This always makes me feel fantastic for, like, 18 to 20 minutes and then very, very sleepy and sad.
Hey, Arpi, I need a quick word.
Are you eating Valerie's birthday cake? You know that her birthday was, like, before Thanksgiving.
Yeah, we're stress -eating, sir.
Oh.
First, thank you.
You were right.
I'm much happier dating a woman my own age.
When did I ever say that to you? I may have imagined you yelling it at me, I guess.
I don't know.
Anyway, look, the youngsters are telling me that I can't call a certain special lady for a year.
Now, those aren't Boomer rules, right? Boomers don't have a year to waste.
Don't lump me in with your "Big Chill" generation.
I'm technically a Gen X preemie.
I think I should call her.
What? What? I never called Salvatore back.
Arpi, have you talked to Salvatore today? Apparently there's a problem with the cooling center.
This is what happens when I'm off my game! Hey, now.
Oh.
Uh, look-it, if Arpi calls, uh, tell her that I had to go, uh, deal with the heat at the you know, the place.
Hey, Dan.
Get the car.
Oh, Braadth! Why have you forsaken me? Salvatore, what the crap is this? Okay, hear me out.
The cooling tent that I brought yesterday was a backup.
And they already booked it for today for the roof of Soho House because sometimes the guests complain that the pool is too heated.
So you put senior citizens inside a damn clown? Okay, continue hearing me out.
I called you earlier and said, "Would you be okay with a high-end bouncy house?" And when I didn't hear from you, I followed my gut.
I've been working on not overthinking things.
This is my fault because I was distracted.
How fast can we get rid of this? Well, do we want no injuries or some injuries? 'Cause those are two very different timelines.
Ay, la madre! Get your head in the game, Arpi! Why does that one old guy keep jumping? He's popcorning everybody.
What do you want me to do, Arpi? I can't decide! Tommy, break my fingers.
I've read that extreme pain can focus the mind.
Go for the pinky.
Look, do you remember when I told you I don't have a secret coping mechanism? I lied, I do, and somehow you have made me feel guilty enough that I want to let you in on it.
I'll do anything at this point except therapy or Peloton.
Meet me at the corner of Tujunga and Ventura at 6:40 a.
m.
tomorrow.
Don't wear anything baggy or with zippers.
Can I help you? You're the guy who does those E.
D.
commercials.
Gorgialis.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
What? No, no, no.
I'm the mayor.
What are you doing here? Me? What's the boner-pill guy doing here? I'm also an adjunct professor of acting and pretend fighting at Santa Monica Community College, but sure, dude.
Brett and I are old friends.
We hit it off on a commercial for a bathtub you stand up in and reconnected after my divorce.
But, Angelica, you texted me.
And you didn't text me back.
So I texted the Trivago guy and then Brett.
Hey, man, "Trivago Guy passed" are my three favorite words.
Brett, do you mind if I have a moment alone with Neil? Why didn't you text me back before coming over here? I didn't realize you were seeing other people.
Oh, honey, haven't you ever heard the term "trampage"? Why do people keep calling me "honey"? And of course not.
I'm newly single.
And career-wise, I'm having a moment.
I want to meet people.
I want to expand my horizons.
A "trampage" is a rite of passage for a sexy divorcée like me.
Oh, my God, I just don't get how this works anymore.
I mean, did you know about the different color hearts? Only because I took a great computer course at the Learning Annex.
Turns out you can print from your cell phone! What? Listen, I'm sorry if you felt misled.
For what it's worth, this is also a big disappointment for me.
I really wanted to do some weird stuff with you that Brett just doesn't have the height for.
Thank you.
- That actually means a lot.
- Okay, bye-bye.
What is this, some kind of fight club? If you don't know what this is, you shouldn't be here, fish.
Okay, easy, Gretchen.
She's with me.
Yeah, Gretchen.
I'm digging the "Lord of the Flies" vibe, but what specifically are we doing? Everyone here collects a special kind of pottery Rae Dunn ceramics.
It comes out in limited editions.
Five minutes after these doors open, it'll be gone.
Yeah, 'cause I'll have it all.
Oh, you wish! You usually get your first taste by accident.
Someone gives you a mug that says "drink.
" Pretty soon you want a plate that says "plate.
" Then you discover the desktop accessories, and then they've got you.
On Tuesday and Friday mornings, that manager puts out the new stock and then I fight these Karens to the death for it.
Look, just follow my lead, okay? Keep your elbows up and don't be afraid to snatch out some clip-in weaves! Go, go, go! That was satisfying.
Yeah.
I appreciate you letting me see your secret joy.
Makes me feel less alone in my weirdness.
So see you next week? Nah.
I can't physically destroy ladies with sassy haircuts.
Feels like cannibalism.
But I have enjoyed this reasonably priced dance with chaos and his sister, danger.
I just need to find my own dirty hotel room for our next ménage à trois.
Cool.
Good luck with that.
Sir, can you explain to me why the city's Official Mayor's Office Twitter account has been trolling the Gorgialis account? A medication I'm also on but for wake apnea.
You were right, Mikaela.
Angelica's on a trampage.
Oh, I love that for her.
Yeah, she was just using me.
And I humiliated myself.
Well, at least it was with Angelica Masters.
My last date was with an improviser who robbed me.
I don't know.
I might text him.
I wasn't excited about her because she's Internet famous.
I was excited because we had so much to talk about.
I didn't have to pretend to know who The Chainsmokers were.
Well, there's probably a lot of women that you can do that with.
You just need to find one who sees you as more than a jump-off.
Huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe it took a one-night stand with Angelica Masters to realize that I really am ready for a mature relationship.
When do you want to meet my aunt? Her name's Patricia, and she is mean.
Arpi, it's getting dark.
I paid for the hour, Salvatore, and I need this.
Keep popcorning, Griffin.
Are you an older adult who thinks he or she is in an online relationship with me? You're probably not.
Hi, I'm Angelica Masters, and I'm not looking for anything serious right now, nor do I need your social security number or any other personal information.
Take it from me, Angelica Masters will never ask for your email or bank account password, your bank routing number, the name of your first pet, pictures of your passport, or any other personal information.
She is not interested.
And if Angelica Masters asks for photos of your genitalia better send those that could be me.
There is nothing is sexier than protecting your personal information from online scammers.
So keep it sexy, L.
A.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!
Is it global warming or God punishing Hollywood for its many sins? Andrea, this heat wave is putting a lot of stress on the electrical grid.
We're all suffering.
Uh, but we all we all have to do our, uh our part, you know, to conserve energy.
Even even here at at City Hall, we are Jayden.
Sorry.
Well, we're turning the AC off, uh during peak hours and rolling blackouts have - It's too hot in there.
- The mayor is Yeah, rolling blackouts have have happened.
Anyway, do your part.
Stay cool, L.
A.
Thank you in advance for your patience.
The city's free cooling center will be open soon.
The website said 10:00 to 6:00.
What I'm hearing is the website works.
But we did have a little problem with our vendor.
The tent we ordered is currently being used at a For Your Consideration event for "The Marvelous Mrs.
Maisel.
" I promise we will get it back as soon as Tony Shalhoub finishes the Q&A.
Mr.
Tomás? Uh, we have lukewarm bags of water that were once ice.
Bad news Shalhoub is taking questions about "Monk" now.
They did 125 episodes.
That could take all day.
We got to get some kind of structure down here now.
Okay, my guy's at the warehouse, and he found a tent.
It's from the last "Real Housewives" reunion so it had some hair and blood on it.
- Hose it down, make it work.
- You got it.
All right, a solution is in the works.
Mikaela, you've been online dating for a very long time.
I got to the end of Hinge.
Well, I joined this dating app, but You're getting mixed messages? Like, you think you swiped on a single guy, but it turns out it's a couple looking for a third, and at first, you're like, "No way", but then you're like, "I don't know, at least everyone's being honest here.
" No, actually, it's been going great.
Awesome, me too.
Yeah, I've been matched with so many lovely ladies.
Cool, cool, being a man seems cool.
But flirting online is just so different.
All this texting instead of meeting in person.
Yep, I prefer to meet women the old-fashioned way.
Selling candy bars while they're eating outside at a restaurant and their boyfriend's in the bathroom.
See, I'm trying to find something real here, but I can't get out of the small-talk stage.
All these women keep asking me to tell them what street I grew up on and my mother's maiden name, which seems a little weird, but I just don't know what's normal anymore.
- Mm - Yeah, please.
Oh, honey.
Wait, we're allowed to call him honey? No.
Absolutely not.
Sorry, it's just it's a scam.
These are bots you're flirting with robots that are trying to steal your identity.
Wait, there's nothing wrong with robots, okay? I've had a thing for that Star Tours droid for years.
Oh, no.
I'd like to see a bot with a figure like this.
That's probably just a stolen image.
Yeah, that's the lady from the sexy senior asthma commercials.
Now I have enough breath to blow a kiss.
Oh, Ventilify.
I'm on that, but it's to inhibit hair growth.
Oh, this profile's using a pic of her, too.
No, no, I've messaged with this gal.
- She's a flight attendant.
- No, that's the same actress.
She also plays a flight attendant in the Delta Air Lines safety video.
So buckle up for fun because fun is as good as on time.
Wait, I Googled her.
Her name is Angelica Masters, and she's on the Champagne Chestnut box of L'Oréal hair dye.
So many of these fake accounts use her pictures.
I guess the algorithm knows what it's doing.
She's basically a Chico's supermodel.
This is unacceptable.
They're toying with people's feelings.
I thought an actual woman wanted to know the name of my first pet! You know something? I'm in a position to do something about this.
And someone has to let Angelica Masters know.
Are you sure, sir? We really should be dealing with these blackouts.
- Hey, Kathy.
- What? Get get Angelica Masters! That was intense.
How'd you stay so calm back there? Experience.
Faith in the process.
I'm gonna duck into this mini mart for a second.
You want anything? I'll go with you.
That's not what I asked.
Do you want anything? I want to see the choices! Looks like they got some cool stuff in the back there.
I'm seeing corn nuts, washer fluid, fake Academy Awards for people with common Western names.
No, I just want a cold drink.
Hey, Arpi.
Four Ladybug Luck scratchers coming up.
I think you're mistaking me for another tiny Arpi.
Oh, you.
I love that you take time to joke.
I think we'd be friends even if you didn't buy lottery tickets every day.
Okay, fine.
Now you know my secret shame.
An emotional affair with a convenience store clerk? No.
It's the scratchers, okay? They're my thing.
These will pay for those.
Okay, see you tomorrow, Arpi! I know they're a waste of money and a regressive tax on the poor but after a hellish morning like we just had, I need a little win or a loss it doesn't even matter.
These keep me sane, so stop judging me.
I'm not judging anyone.
Some people need vices to cope.
Oh, but you don't? What can I say? Some of us are just well adjusted.
#BuiltDifferent.
Free ticket! Are you at least being smart about this? - What does that mean? Scratchers are random.
Well, I read this article that there are ways to game the system.
You know, buy in bulk, chat up store owners to see which locations are due to hit, choose new games over old.
Well, shoot, I'm gonna have to give those tricks a try.
- Ooh, is that cold? - Yeah, I just got it.
Coping mechanism.
Look, obviously, I get why they use your picture.
Well, it's been going on for a while.
I appeal to sex-positive seniors, senior-curious millennials, and meme-loving incels.
I just hate that my photo is being used to catfish people and that the name of my favorite fish now means something so dark.
Well, if you feel that strongly, maybe we could team up.
Well, I happen to be in town shooting a commercial for the new Depends thong.
I suppose I could record something later this week.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Uh, I'll I'll have my comms department get in touch with your people.
Well, there is just one issue.
How do I know that you're not a bot? Maybe send me a bunch of pictures and have me click on all the stop signs.
Or we could meet in person.
Do you eat dinner? Every night, except when I fall asleep on the couch.
Great, I'll see you tonight.
I must say, though while I'm not a robot, I am a machine in bed.
Morning.
Whoa, someone's in a good mood.
It's me.
I had breakfast churros.
Why did I wait so long to date women my own age? Oh, because you're rich, sir.
I had a fantastic night with Angelica.
You know, when you're with someone your own age, you connect in such a different way.
Like about wills and stuff? Like about our favorite books and music and how all other generations are the worst.
I'm telling you, I think this could be something special.
Okay, so, just to summarize, you've been on an app for one week.
You got catfished using a picture of an actress, but then you just met that actress and took her out.
Where do you even take a commercial queen? I mean, she's already twirled through a field of daisies.
Actually, we never even left the hotel room.
- Are you gonna be a dad? - Okay.
Gross/congratulations, sir, but the office is not the place to discuss your one-night stand.
I think you mean first-night stand.
If this were a one-night stand, would we have been texting all morning? Ah, I don't really see a we texting here.
I see you triple-texting in exchange for a thumbs-up reaction? Yeah, so? What's better than a thumbs-up? Right, Jayden? Oh my God, thank you, sir! 1,000 buckaroos.
Last night, I followed your advice, and I hit it big on scratchers.
Oh, that's great.
You'd think so.
But around 4:00 a.
m.
, I was still awake, and I realized the truth you ruined me.
Mm, you know, I really thought I was safe from ever having this conversation with a woman.
Turns out the best part of playing scratchers isn't the money.
It's the Wa-cha! the unpredictability, and you took that away.
Okay.
I guess I'm sorry that I helped you win a bunch of money? Your apology is like the Super Bowl.
Just because it's happening doesn't mean I care about it.
What kind of sorcery is this? Why why am I mad you gave me $1,000? Hey, Mikaela, are we coordinating with the Beverly Hills Mayor's Office about these power outages? Yes, sir.
They're encouraging residents to evacuate to the nearest Mercedes S-, E-, or C-Class.
Anything about cell towers being down? I'm hearing a lot of talk about texts not getting through.
Oh, please don't tell me this is what I think it is.
Well, just look at this, though.
I mean, yesterday Angelica responded right away.
See? Look, question mark, "Okay", "Can't talk right now", "Driving" and then an emoji with no mouth.
But today look at that.
Nothing.
Sir, she's ghosting you.
Ghosting me? Don't listen to Mikaela, sir.
This is standard cat-and-mouse stuff.
I go years without hearing from women.
Okay, maybe we can save this.
What have you texted her today? - Whoa.
- Oh, God.
Did you copy and paste all the lyrics to a Joni Mitchell song? No.
No, I I typed them out.
And a voice memo? It does voice memos? Siri, search Angelica Masters control-top pantyhose.
And you sent her a red heart? Sir, the progression is green heart, yellow heart, purple heart, pink heart, double-pink heart, then red heart.
A red heart is what you send to your mom on, like, Mothers' Day or to your dad when he sends you a picture of fish he caught and you don't know how else to connect.
God, what's wrong with me? I'm being a total doofus.
And it's because of this thing.
I'm gonna go talk to her face-to-face.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Sir, I am gonna tell you what I would tell any friend of mine.
Do not contact Angelica for one year.
You're being hyperbolic.
You need her to forget what you did.
Come on.
I am being as serious as Nicole Kidman in a drama where she cannot be Australian.
One year, minimum.
I'll set a one-year timer on your phone, sir.
Is the old car horn ringtone okay? No, no, no.
Ms.
Shaw, did you see my memo? Uh, yeah, you're mad at Tommy because he made you too good at scratchers? Yes.
You may have noticed the erasers have been gnawed off all the office pencils.
It was my doing.
I I'm a little on edge.
Arpi, there's a Salvatore for you on line one.
I will call him back, Véronica! This is the time of day I'd normally be scratching.
Yeah.
Hey, I get it.
You know, when I'm overwhelmed, I just take a Buzzfeed quiz.
Show me.
Omelet.
"Despicable Me.
" Boxer briefs.
Tomato soup.
A sunset.
The blue dress.
The light-blue dress.
The strapless blue dress.
Boxer briefs.
Butter pecan.
Simba.
Done.
And your ideal roommate is Olivia Rodrigo! Ooh, fun.
This does not float my barge.
Okay.
Well, let's just take another one quiz.
Which "Sex and the City" character are you? Easy.
Magda.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, this job is a killer.
I used to stress-eat, but I've gotten a handle on it through daily meditation.
I was just gonna do my app if you want to do it with me? I guess we could find a private Oh, right here.
Hi, I'm Coyote Dewitt.
Welcome to "The Mindful Minute.
" Let's begin, as always, by focusing on our "braadth.
" Breathing in, stopping to notice where the "braadth" goes in and the "braadth" goes out.
Why does she say "breath" so weird? That's supposed to be "breath"? I thought Braadth was some new god I was supposed to pray to.
3:00, everybody.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
No, no, no! It's a brownout.
No! I'm going to the break-room fridge, and I'm gonna eat all the food before it melts! Oh, yeah.
That'll get you there.
The stakes here may be too high.
I bit into this thinking it was a lemon scone, and it is very much a tuna melt.
This always makes me feel fantastic for, like, 18 to 20 minutes and then very, very sleepy and sad.
Hey, Arpi, I need a quick word.
Are you eating Valerie's birthday cake? You know that her birthday was, like, before Thanksgiving.
Yeah, we're stress -eating, sir.
Oh.
First, thank you.
You were right.
I'm much happier dating a woman my own age.
When did I ever say that to you? I may have imagined you yelling it at me, I guess.
I don't know.
Anyway, look, the youngsters are telling me that I can't call a certain special lady for a year.
Now, those aren't Boomer rules, right? Boomers don't have a year to waste.
Don't lump me in with your "Big Chill" generation.
I'm technically a Gen X preemie.
I think I should call her.
What? What? I never called Salvatore back.
Arpi, have you talked to Salvatore today? Apparently there's a problem with the cooling center.
This is what happens when I'm off my game! Hey, now.
Oh.
Uh, look-it, if Arpi calls, uh, tell her that I had to go, uh, deal with the heat at the you know, the place.
Hey, Dan.
Get the car.
Oh, Braadth! Why have you forsaken me? Salvatore, what the crap is this? Okay, hear me out.
The cooling tent that I brought yesterday was a backup.
And they already booked it for today for the roof of Soho House because sometimes the guests complain that the pool is too heated.
So you put senior citizens inside a damn clown? Okay, continue hearing me out.
I called you earlier and said, "Would you be okay with a high-end bouncy house?" And when I didn't hear from you, I followed my gut.
I've been working on not overthinking things.
This is my fault because I was distracted.
How fast can we get rid of this? Well, do we want no injuries or some injuries? 'Cause those are two very different timelines.
Ay, la madre! Get your head in the game, Arpi! Why does that one old guy keep jumping? He's popcorning everybody.
What do you want me to do, Arpi? I can't decide! Tommy, break my fingers.
I've read that extreme pain can focus the mind.
Go for the pinky.
Look, do you remember when I told you I don't have a secret coping mechanism? I lied, I do, and somehow you have made me feel guilty enough that I want to let you in on it.
I'll do anything at this point except therapy or Peloton.
Meet me at the corner of Tujunga and Ventura at 6:40 a.
m.
tomorrow.
Don't wear anything baggy or with zippers.
Can I help you? You're the guy who does those E.
D.
commercials.
Gorgialis.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
What? No, no, no.
I'm the mayor.
What are you doing here? Me? What's the boner-pill guy doing here? I'm also an adjunct professor of acting and pretend fighting at Santa Monica Community College, but sure, dude.
Brett and I are old friends.
We hit it off on a commercial for a bathtub you stand up in and reconnected after my divorce.
But, Angelica, you texted me.
And you didn't text me back.
So I texted the Trivago guy and then Brett.
Hey, man, "Trivago Guy passed" are my three favorite words.
Brett, do you mind if I have a moment alone with Neil? Why didn't you text me back before coming over here? I didn't realize you were seeing other people.
Oh, honey, haven't you ever heard the term "trampage"? Why do people keep calling me "honey"? And of course not.
I'm newly single.
And career-wise, I'm having a moment.
I want to meet people.
I want to expand my horizons.
A "trampage" is a rite of passage for a sexy divorcée like me.
Oh, my God, I just don't get how this works anymore.
I mean, did you know about the different color hearts? Only because I took a great computer course at the Learning Annex.
Turns out you can print from your cell phone! What? Listen, I'm sorry if you felt misled.
For what it's worth, this is also a big disappointment for me.
I really wanted to do some weird stuff with you that Brett just doesn't have the height for.
Thank you.
- That actually means a lot.
- Okay, bye-bye.
What is this, some kind of fight club? If you don't know what this is, you shouldn't be here, fish.
Okay, easy, Gretchen.
She's with me.
Yeah, Gretchen.
I'm digging the "Lord of the Flies" vibe, but what specifically are we doing? Everyone here collects a special kind of pottery Rae Dunn ceramics.
It comes out in limited editions.
Five minutes after these doors open, it'll be gone.
Yeah, 'cause I'll have it all.
Oh, you wish! You usually get your first taste by accident.
Someone gives you a mug that says "drink.
" Pretty soon you want a plate that says "plate.
" Then you discover the desktop accessories, and then they've got you.
On Tuesday and Friday mornings, that manager puts out the new stock and then I fight these Karens to the death for it.
Look, just follow my lead, okay? Keep your elbows up and don't be afraid to snatch out some clip-in weaves! Go, go, go! That was satisfying.
Yeah.
I appreciate you letting me see your secret joy.
Makes me feel less alone in my weirdness.
So see you next week? Nah.
I can't physically destroy ladies with sassy haircuts.
Feels like cannibalism.
But I have enjoyed this reasonably priced dance with chaos and his sister, danger.
I just need to find my own dirty hotel room for our next ménage à trois.
Cool.
Good luck with that.
Sir, can you explain to me why the city's Official Mayor's Office Twitter account has been trolling the Gorgialis account? A medication I'm also on but for wake apnea.
You were right, Mikaela.
Angelica's on a trampage.
Oh, I love that for her.
Yeah, she was just using me.
And I humiliated myself.
Well, at least it was with Angelica Masters.
My last date was with an improviser who robbed me.
I don't know.
I might text him.
I wasn't excited about her because she's Internet famous.
I was excited because we had so much to talk about.
I didn't have to pretend to know who The Chainsmokers were.
Well, there's probably a lot of women that you can do that with.
You just need to find one who sees you as more than a jump-off.
Huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe it took a one-night stand with Angelica Masters to realize that I really am ready for a mature relationship.
When do you want to meet my aunt? Her name's Patricia, and she is mean.
Arpi, it's getting dark.
I paid for the hour, Salvatore, and I need this.
Keep popcorning, Griffin.
Are you an older adult who thinks he or she is in an online relationship with me? You're probably not.
Hi, I'm Angelica Masters, and I'm not looking for anything serious right now, nor do I need your social security number or any other personal information.
Take it from me, Angelica Masters will never ask for your email or bank account password, your bank routing number, the name of your first pet, pictures of your passport, or any other personal information.
She is not interested.
And if Angelica Masters asks for photos of your genitalia better send those that could be me.
There is nothing is sexier than protecting your personal information from online scammers.
So keep it sexy, L.
A.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!