Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

Titi B.

1 Morning, Titi Bears.
I gotta be real right now, and this is not a paid ad.
If you wanna be like me, you gotta be cool, real, and you need an Arby's Brisket Bacon Beef 'n Cheddar.
I high-key live on these.
Hashtag paid ad.
Mmm! Yum-yum-yum-gulp-swallow.
I'm loving your guys' comments.
"Heart, heart, heart.
" "Your fit is fire.
" "How are you steering?" Now I gotta go back to the car store.
Okay, I know all you bears wanna know what I hit this time.
So oh, no! It's the tall mom from "Knives Out.
" Is that guy, like, dying? I told you, spaghetti is not car food! Hey, last time I checked, you were the mayor, not a spaghetti expert.
Sir, do you want us to clear your calendar to see a chiropractor? No, no.
We clear nothing.
Today is the day I announce my space elevator.
The accident's already up to 3 million views, and the hashtag "spaghetti guy" is trending.
Spaghetti guy? I am so much more than that.
I am a son.
I am a grandson.
I am a father to a virtual dolphin.
Jayden, you got an extra shirt? No, but this one is reversible.
Okay.
Sir, the young woman who hit you Yeah.
Do you know that she was doing a YouTube while driving? Well, her name is Titi B.
She has 102 million Instagram followers, even more on TikTok.
Why? So they can watch her eat a sandwich in a car? Or next to a pool.
And she wants to apologize in person.
Hey, bear cubs.
So I feel like v remorseful about hitting that grandpa.
I think he hurt his neck, and you know, both of my grandfathers died, I think.
So this is personal for me.
Well, later today, I'm gonna be unveiling a new Instagram mural in West Hollywood.
Grampy, please come so I can say hashtag so sorry, hashtag lawyer's advice, hashtag Arby's.
Perfect.
Free press for the space elevator and maybe free Arby's.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I go to her? She hit me.
And I'm not a Grampy.
I'm a daddy.
Preaching to the gay men's choir, sir.
But I think we should make time for her.
A photo with Titi B could really help with the youth vote.
Oh, give me a break.
The election is two years away.
Hang on.
It's Orly.
Hey, kiddo.
Oh, my God, daddy, were you in an accident? - Yes, but I'm okay.
- With Titi B? What's her phone case? We never get to see it.
Um, pink, but also diamonds.
- Oh, my God.
That's so cool.
- What is happening here? You have to take me and Ceviche with you when you go meet her.
Well, hang on.
What about school? We get 51 self-care days a year.
And my father was just in a car accident.
I need this.
Wait, what did he say about the case? - Is it a panda like I thought? - Please take us, please.
'Cause you're the best dad, please, please, please.
- She wants to meet Titi B.
- Yes, please.
- 'Cause you're the best mayor.
- Please, for the youth vote, but also I want to know if I'm taller than her.
- Please? - Okay.
All right.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
We'll all go meet Titi B.
- You need to fix your eyebrows.
- I have to fix my eyebrows.
Kwapis! Amazing news.
There was a massive offshore oil spill in Long Beach.
It's an absolute tragedy.
Okay, I know what's funny keeps changing, but I'm pretty sure that smiling about that is incorrect.
Environmental disasters are the only way we make progress.
Calamity leads to outrage, which leads to calls for action.
Flash-forward a month, and the governor is signing an anti-offshore drilling bill.
And if we can do that, we might have a shot at getting Maintenance to replace these crap halogen lights with LEDs.
I see you, jumpsuit, and I know you hear me.
This is awful! This seagull is covered in oil.
His family won't recognize him, and then he'll have to go live with crows.
Send me link.
We'll use it.
And then book me on all the morning shows.
It's a blitz, Kwapis! Arpi, just a reminder, the mayor wants everyone to stay on message.
Today is all space elevator.
Just a reminder, the deputy mayor's a grown butt woman who's trying to make sure the mayor has an Earth left to attach his dumb elevator to.
Let's do this, Jayden.
Up top.
Mountain ♪ Up top mountain ♪ The up-toppiest mountain ♪ Where the bears are in charge ♪ Up top mountain ♪ No, you guys are the real wings.
Oh, my God.
There she is.
Why didn't I bring Arby's for her to sign? I'm so stupid.
She's even prettier in person? She must use the relatable filter on her Instagram.
Hey, I'm Mayor Bremer.
How many followers do you have? Uh, today there are five of us.
This mural for verified Insta-influences with a million followers or more.
Uh, sir, you have 3,251.
No, hang on.
It keeps going down.
Oh.
Wait, she gets to go in? That's @BabyZoey, and until you've reviewed every Kinder Surprise, you'll put some respect on her name.
Oh, man, I don't wanna be here.
- This whole thing is so stupid.
- Yeah.
If those are the wings of a dove angel, there should be four wings since it had two before it died.
By that logic, human-angels should have four legs.
O-M-B.
I'm Buddhist now.
I'm so glad you came.
Oh, the accident really messed up your neck.
- Oh.
- It's all stretched out and wrinkly.
My doctor can totally fix that.
I totally could.
I'll make it look like a shiny tube.
And my lawyer just told me you're like the mayor? I did.
I totally told her that.
Yes, I am the mayor, which means I call my followers voters.
My daughter really wanted to meet you.
Then let's take an apology selfie.
There you go.
Fun.
That's good.
Get in there, sir.
- Let's start with a silly one.
- Uh, okay.
Say "cheese.
" - Say what? - Cheese.
Say cheese.
- Dad, no! Stop.
- Cheese? Why would you ask me to say "cheese"? Wh what? What did I do? Why would you ask Titi B to say "cheese"? Because that's what you do when you take a picture.
Yeah, maybe in 1930.
How do you not that Ch33$e is the rapper/cup stacking artist who was dating Titi B until he cheated on her? Boom! New personal record.
He's mostly just hot.
How do you not know any of that? No, Ceviche.
You don't get to yell at me.
- I barely know you.
- Oh, God.
- I was afraid of this.
- Okay, Mayor Boomer.
First, you hurt my car.
Then you hurt my heart.
Well, obviously LA's mayor is Team Yasmin.
Oh, nuts.
A street fair.
- I'm team what? - Yasmine Ciobanu.
The girl Ch33$e cheated with.
God, Dad! She's a model.
And a hologram.
Do you all hear yourselves? Sir, you do not wanna be perceived as team Yasmine Ciobanu.
People hate her now.
Almost as much as they hate Slerv, the Moldovan programmer who created her.
You should probably apologize is the kind of thing Ceviche would say.
You're not helping, Ceviche! I'm not gonna apologize for saying "cheese.
" And I'm done talking about Titi B.
This is so unfair.
I was this close to Titi B inviting me to her rage room.
And now I'm going back to school.
Are you happy? Yes.
And now who's psyched for the real reason, we all woke up this morning? The space elevator, baby! Going up, going up, going Jayden, teeth check.
Yep.
They're all there.
Good luck.
You don't need luck when you've got environmental horror on your side.
This stuff gets in the water table, we're gonna start seeing babies that are nothing but a bouquet of feet.
And I haven't even mentioned how oil affects porpoise placentas.
Including crystalline silica, formaldehyde, acetaldehyde all the hydes.
They permeate the microbiome of marine life and move up the food chain until even your farmers market moon pies are chock full of poison.
I wanna go back to Tampa! So, Arpi, it says here you're against offshore drilling.
Me, I like to drill, all night long.
Do you? Good luck with that when benzene poisoning makes your testicles look like this.
Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
Man, I am killing it.
What's our next stop? Actually, that's it.
We're done.
Yay! Let's go get Arby's.
Nah, man, we gotta strike while the oil's slick.
We got six more interviews.
We did got.
Their grandfathers died, so they had to go to Tampa.
I can hear your heartbeat.
You're lying to me.
What's going on? Okay.
Start with a compliment.
I like your hands today.
You suck at interviews.
You're terrible at it.
Today, we break ground on not just another office park or high rise.
Today we break ground on the sky.
With the opening of the Felix Universal Transit Unit Research Organization, or FUTURO, which is a nod to our thriving Latinx population and not because we couldn't get the E.
Today, we are going to bring the city of Los Angeles into the future.
We're gonna build a space elevator! All right, now I wanna thank our corporate partners who support the Mayor's Fund and made today possible.
Especially my dear friend, Sebastian Felix.
Everybody, yeah.
I believe space travel shouldn't just be for the wealthy.
It should also be for tourists and high-risk prisoners.
- I think that - Okay.
All right.
Thank you, Sebastian.
- Okay.
- Hey, well said, buddy.
- Thank you.
- Um All right.
Any questions out there? Mr.
Mayor, how will you apologize to Titi B? Do you have the power to give her the Lakers? Thank you, TMZ.
You know, let's keep the questions to aerospace, okay? Sir, are you also hooking up with Yasmine Ciobanu? And if so, how? She's not real, Mr.
Mayor.
Oh, come on, today is about tomorrow.
There's your clickbait for you.
Are you aware you made Titi B.
cry the same month her cell phone fell in the pool? Are you boycotting Titi B.
's shapewear line? Your shape says you might be.
Okay.
Enough.
I don't wanna hear another word about Titi B.
What makes her so interesting anyway? - She does nothing.
- Nothing? During COVID, she made nachos with almost no help.
This city used to make things! Fighter jets, the Mars Rover.
Today all we do is pump out these internet idiots so they can tell our daughters how to show off their thigh brow at a roof party.
When I build this space elevator, I am going to literally look down on all these influencers.
Is that a veiled reference to Titi B's well-documented struggle with being 5'2"? No! Space elevator.
Come on.
I'm terrible, huh? Well, that's a hot load 'cause I impacted those folks today.
Yeah, negatively.
You made Z101's Dr.
Fart throw up.
And I don't know what you said to Sanchez Gomez.
You can't just scare people, Arpi.
If devastating facts and figures made a difference, I would be eating a much different diet.
You need to help people understand.
It's like when you're supposed to read Hamlet for school, and your mom's like, "It's okay.
It's not that complicated.
It's basically "The Lion King.
" So you watch "The Lion King", you get a D, and you graduate.
Fine.
You're so smart.
Tell me how to turn this into "Hakuna Matata.
" Okay, first of all, that song has a time jump in it.
So Timon and Pumbaa had years to cheer up Simba.
Second of all, you need to connect with people emotionally.
Do you remember that dish soap commercial with the ducks? People need a simple way to understand that if these oil spills keep happening, we become the ducks.
Ducks? That's your professional opinion? - I do ducks.
- Those commercials worked.
I donated money to Proctor and Gamble.
Good God, Kwapis.
My only mistake today was bringing you with me.
You know what? No, I'm gonna say it.
I can feel it coming out.
Here it comes.
No wonder you couldn't get on the ballot.
It's because you needed people's signatures, and not even a person with 20 pens would waste ink on you.
Oh, my God.
What have you done, Jayden? Hey, Titi Bears.
So I'm not like political because I don't believe in war, but I just heard Mayor Boomer thinks I don't do anything.
Yeah, me.
The person who demonstrated winged eyeliner while getting microbladed.
Well, let's show him what your mama bear can do.
It's time for the mayor to see how big my flock is.
Wait, why would a bear have a flock? A group of bears is a sleuth.
Uh, she's kind of coming after you, sir.
So what? She's gonna have her bear flock post mean things about me? "His golf game is all power, no finesse.
" I can take it.
Yeah.
I'm not scared of a teenager.
- Uh, sir.
- Oh, no.
What's going on? It's Titi B, sir.
She's showing you, her flock.
A group of crows is a murder.
Has she never done a crossword? Still, this is a highly intimidating flex.
Okay, this is not safe.
My daughter's in that house.
Actually, sir, she's in the tree.
Frowny face emoji for Team Neil.
Caw! You're not my father.
Hashtag paid ads.
Morning, sir.
Not one story about the space elevator, Arpi.
I told myself I would never be this guy, but what is wrong with people these days? I did four hours of interviews yesterday.
The only thing that got traction was a meme of Dr.
Fart throwing up on his sidekick, Lenny the Butt.
My own daughter is Team Titi B.
A fact she announced on a phone paid for by Team Neil.
Titi B.
s, baby ducks clickbait, "Five Foods That Prove You're a Pedophile.
" The world is getting dumber and dumber, sir.
And leading the charge is Jayden Kwapis.
Are those LEDs? Yes.
Everyone looks terrible.
So I finally wore you down, huh, jumpsuit? I didn't do this for you.
I did it for Jayden and his lemon bars.
You did this? How? Well, I made the lemon curd months ago so I mean the light.
I've been riding them about LEDs for ten years.
For starters, he didn't call me jumpsuit.
See? You catch more flies with honey, Arpi.
That's why my car has so many flies.
You can't just yell at people You think I don't know that? I'm terrible at fly catching, okay? I wanted yesterday to be different.
I even took an improv class to prepare for it.
I've gathered you all here 'cause I'd like to talk about offshore oil drilling.
Okay.
The suggestion was stapler.
I can talk policy with wonks.
I can work a bureaucracy like nobody's business.
But the whole common touch thing You were right, Kwapis.
It is why I couldn't get enough signatures last election.
Help me get on the mayoral ballot in the upcoming special election? Help me get on the mayoral bal You just gonna sign without hearing what I stand for? What are you, an idiot? Oof.
- How many did you get? - Two.
Mine and someone named Anita Mann-Tohugginkiss.
I hear it, not a real person.
Oh, all these years, I've been breaking down doors, trying to get stuff done.
As a woman, if I'm fun and laid-back, people will think I'm a lightweight.
So instead, I'm tough and passionate and unlikable.
But you are likable.
You just need to let other people in.
You can be likable and still kick down doors.
I mean, look at the Kool-Aid Man.
Sure, some people get mad that he ruined their house, but once they see he has Kool-Aid, they're like, "What wall?" My way obviously doesn't work.
So you're in charge.
First rule is don't talk about "Fight Club" 'cause I haven't seen it yet.
Ah.
Come here, you old fat ass.
Sorry.
Playful tone only goes so far.
How you been? Look, buddy, I'll make this quick.
I need you to end this beef with Titi B.
You're kidding me.
Sebastian Felix should not even know who Titi B.
is, let alone the status of her various beeves.
Neil, I'm in talks to acquire Inspire Brands and Inspire owns Arby's.
Ever since they made Titi B.
Their brand ambassador, Brisket Bacon Beef 'n Cheddar sales are up 1200%.
They can't kill cows, pigs, and more cows fast enough.
What does that have to do with me? If you can't make nice with her, we can't support the Mayor's Fund.
I already announced our space elevator.
You would choose her over the mayor of Los Angeles? That's amazing.
Good news is, my board convinced Inspires board to convince Arby's board to convince Titi B.
To let you apologize.
What choice do I have? She has all the power.
Boy, capitalism so unfair.
I think capitalism's working.
Huh.
Okay, man, I'm trusting you here.
Arpi, if I know how to do anything, it's how to keep it stupid simple.
Now go get the chocolate syrup.
I've got a bird to be.
Wow.
When I was 19, I was living in a car and heading for Canada because of Vietnam.
Oh, my God.
I love Vietnam.
I was, like, so tall there.
I am so sorry.
The these little white dogs are hard to see in here.
So, like, what do you want? Well, I want to apologize.
Sorry I insulted you.
I didn't understand what it is you do, so I assumed you do nothing.
- Mm.
- And I was wrong.
Yeah.
'Cause I do, like, lots.
And and I And I get that now.
See, uh, see, Titi, I'm Well, I made my money in billboards, so we're actually a lot alike.
You and I both made a fortune telling people what to buy.
You're like a 21st-century billboard.
I'm almost a billionaire.
I was the first woman to pose naked on the cover of "Forbes.
" - Ah.
- So apology accepted, and I'm sorry for leaking those photos of you wearing a t-shirt in the ocean.
Oh, water under the bridge, Titi.
You know, on the way over here, it occurred to me that you could be a real force for good.
Ah! Go off, king.
Just imagine what we could do together.
With your endorsement, we get out the youth vote, I get reelected for another term, and LA is coco slammin'.
Hmm.
Sorry, I must have misheard Orly in the car today.
Uh, it could be good.
We could have a good city.
You want me to endorse you? Okay.
- How much? - I'm sorry? Like, I'm just spitballing without lawyers, but say I tweet, "Vote Boomer Bremer.
" That's probably, like, five-hundo-K, but if you want me to get nail art of your face, it's more like a mil.
You want me to buy your vote? Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not how this works.
That's how everything works.
Everything I do has a price tag.
Me and Ch33$e got a million each to break up over Cricket Wireless.
So you're not actually interested in doing good.
Good? I'm doing great.
Okay.
Forget it.
We're done here.
Or I keep this feud going.
I mean, the Yasmin thing is losing steam, and you're, like, the perfect villain 'cause no one's ever on the side of the old straight white guy.
I mean, the most clicks I ever got is when James Corden hairline-shamed me.
It isn't happening.
And get some brown dogs.
Have you seen this? Yasmin Ciobanu liked your TikTok.
Angelenos covered in oil? Duck that.
Sign our petition to stop offshore drilling.
Link in bio.
Hashtag quack.
End offshore oil and spaghetti duck are trending, but I lip-sync the whole opening of "Emperor's New Groove" and only get four likes? You did it, Kwapis.
You're like a dating coach who makes me feel like I have a shot with the city of LA.
LA is the Michael B.
Jordan of cities.
An absolute ten.
You're the secret weapon I didn't have last election.
Jayden, I'm running for mayor.
There's nothing holding me back now.
And thanks to you, I'm the Kool-Aid Man.
And there's no wall on earth that can stop this cherry water.
Oh, yeah! And I want you to be my campaign manager.
Yes.
Yes, a thousand times, yes.
Oh, but what about Daddy?
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