Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e10 Episode Script

The Debate

1 Welcome to "Mayor Chat.
" I'm Chet Danville outside the home of Mayor-For-Now, Neil Bremer, for some good, old-fashioned field reporting.
- Journalism! - Oh, jeez! Dan, it's okay.
He's harmless.
Tell that to the mice in my lemon tree.
Mayor Bremer, on the brink of an historic recall, do you care to comment on DaughterGate? Your own daughter is supporting Titi B.
Whip pan! Oh, this is great.
This is great TV.
Look at his face.
Orly, you're team Titi, and you put a bumper sticker on a lease? I'm sorry, Dad.
But supporting her is the only way to get access to her exclusive emoji pack.
Okay, I guarantee you Titi B.
does not want my job.
The office Wi-Fi never has more than two bars.
If Titi B.
is still in this race tomorrow, I'll buy you a car.
Oh, wait.
I already did.
You said it was a lease.
Were you lying, Mr.
Mayor? Come on, Chet, no, get that Oh, stop.
Hey, cubs.
I'm coming to you from my CryoPartment, the only cryo chamber designed for teens by teens.
Now I know I promised a big announcement in today's livestream, and you guys I've signed a deal with Netflix! Obvs this means I won't be able to do mayor, but like, shouldn't I play Eleanor Reagan in a movie or something? Also, I think this CryoPartment just cured my ADHD.
I knew it.
I knew she'd get distracted by something shiny.
Way to shame her for her ADHD, Dad.
I gotta get Tommy over here.
Our whole debate strategy just changed.
Consult a physician if your blood completely freezes.
Alexa, call Jaden.
We got a real debate on our hands! Calling Jaden, because people walk all over me.
Good morning, fellow colleagues.
Likewise, colleague.
Oh, my God, this might be worse than the flirting.
No, wait.
Nothing's worse than that.
I bet you can't pick me up.
- I bet I can.
- No, I bet you oh, my God! James, you're so strong! Now that we're actually dating, we're just trying to be professional, Thomas.
Good morning, sir.
Look, I'm gonna be out of the office prepping for the debate today.
So I need you to hold down the fort.
On it, sir I will hold down this fort like Oh, who's that guy from history? He had a hat.
I wanna say Texas Yeah, okay.
We both got busy days.
Where's your fridge? I don't eat anything that requires refrigeration.
Now focus up.
Without that Gen Z Barbie on stage, we can actually have a substantive debate where I give Mayor Bremer a fact-based smackdown.
Yeah, it's just that debates aren't actually won on facts.
It's about perception.
Like most voters, I just scroll through my phone, see who's smiling, who's got a bug on their head.
To quote Thomas Jefferson Problematic "An informed citizenry is at the heart of a dynamic democracy.
" Boring.
Change the channel.
So you want me to get up there, and what, smile and talk about nothing? You're the one who asked me to rebrand you.
Like Dunkin' or Maleficent.
If you go on TV dressed like the meanest newsie, and start handing out fact-based smackdowns, then you're just back to the old Arpi who loses elections.
I've always refused to play this game.
But I've never been this close to glory.
Let's do this, Kwapis.
Tart me up and dumb me down.
When I'm done with you, you're gonna stop getting your mail 'cause your mailman won't recognize you.
He'll think you moved.
He'll have to take it back.
When Titi B.
was running, no one could think about anything else.
Like when there's a bird in the food court.
Now we can focus on who is actually most qualified for the job.
Uh, we do need to be careful there.
If we engage with Arpi in actual debate, you're gonna look like a lightweight.
I know the issues.
Mayor, do you think everyone in L.
should be on a time-of-use variable utility rate, or do you stand by the current tiered system? Thank you for that question.
The tiered system Well, I just spoke with Oh, shoot, uh Is this the image you want to project on stage today? I look like my grandfather trying to set a digital watch.
Right, which is why we're not going to engage on the issues.
This is an oppo-research dossier that I prepared on Arpi.
Arrests for civil disobedience, credit reports, a photo of her attacking Dick Cheney that looks like she's trying to hug him God, you know Absolutely not.
Say what you will about Arpi Meskimen Her hair is a step back for women.
Her style inspiration is hardware-store Rumpelstiltskin.
But she's a straight shooter.
She's not gonna play games.
And as long as I look like this I don't have to either.
I don't know what I did.
But still, good lookin' cat.
So what do you have to do today? Award key to the city to guy who convinced Elon Musk to move to Texas - Oh, yeah.
- Hand out, uh What are centenarian certificates? Oh, Angelenos that turn 100 get a certificate from the mayor who's not here today.
Oh, that's so sad.
Maybe we should reschedule? - Ah, that feels risky.
- Yeah, better get them in.
So do you wanna grab a bite later? Maybe some place quiet where we can talk? Talk? Ms.
Shaw, your 11:00.
Okay, great.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to meet with some 100-year-olds.
You guys look 80, tops.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I never get out, except for doctor's appointments, funerals, and when I just wake up at the bus station.
And now I get to meet the mayor! - Which of you is Mayor Bremer? - Oh Uh, Mayor Nell Bremer.
It's spelled wrong on the door.
Government work, am I right? Hello.
Is that Arpi? Okay.
Jayden convinced her to soften her look.
Who knew that was in there? Ms.
Meskimen, how can you expect to be mayor of the City of Angels with a butt like the devil? Oh, you.
"Oh, you?" This is the woman who Spider-Man'd up an unfinished high-rise to yell at a construction worker who whistled at her.
Exactly, sir.
That's still Arpi underneath that skirt suit.
You need to get the real Arpi to come out.
Like when you feed a real housewife eight rosés.
Oh, this? Okay, maybe just leave it with me.
End her.
Welcome to the Los Angeles Mayoral Recall Debate.
I'm Chet Danville.
Let's jump right in.
Homelessness used to be a reliable staple of sitcom hijinks.
Gas Mask Reggie, how do we fix it so it can be funny again? Chet, this is my tenth campaign, and my platform has not changed.
By the time you need a gas mask, it will be too late.
I cede the remainder of my time.
Great stuff as always, Reggie.
Former Mayor Victor Delgado.
I am back, healthy, and ready to serve the city again.
Same question to you.
No, I can't do this.
Sorry, everyone.
And just like that, it's a three-way race.
Deputy Mayor Arpi Meskimen.
Where else can you go to the beach and the mountains on the same day? Am I right? Whoo! "Mayor Bremer.
" Same question.
I have a better question, Chet.
How can you trust a woman Well said.
Who'd run for mayor against the very man who hired her? There you go again.
No, no, no, no, come on.
Let's not forget about all the promises she's made over the years: making L.
carbon-neutral, freeing the zoo animals, getting the porn industry to shoot on film again.
I mean, has any of that happened? No.
It's all digital and you can tell.
It's ruined storytelling.
Never done a fist pump before.
It's easy.
- Ms.
Meskimen, your response? - You know, Chet? I'll tell you a little something about loyalty.
Go L.
sports! Chet, Chet, you can't bring props.
You cannot bring props I guess the biggest question is: what do I do after being the youngest mayor in L.
history? Okay, thank you all for stopping by.
See you all again at 200.
I used to work in this building.
I met Mayor Bowron here in 1948.
Now I'm meeting you here.
The current mayor.
That's right.
I know it's hard to believe it happened in your lifetime.
I mean, yes, Obama was first.
But in some ways, this is a bigger deal.
Okay, thank you for coming, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
What? I'm not gonna apologize for brightening up their day.
I mean, Eugene said I had gams for miles, and for a second, I was like, "This old man could get it.
" Oh kay.
Well, back to reality.
I made a dinner reservation, but can we drive there separately? I've got a psych-up mix, and I don't think it's gonna work if you're there.
Uh, yeah, James, um, what exactly do we need to talk about tonight? 'Cause you said "talk" like "talk.
" Uh, okay.
So you know I don't actually work here.
- Uh-huh.
- And at some point, Impactium is gonna put me on another project, and they can send me anywhere.
You know, before everything shut down for COVID, I spent six months in Kansas City.
On which side? - Kansas.
- I don't know why I asked.
I don't have an informed opinion.
So I asked my boss if my next assignment could be in Southern California.
Uh, what, because of me? So we can see where this goes - You okay? - Oh, yes, more than okay.
I am A-okay.
A-okay! A-A-okay-okay! Why did I cheer that? Okay.
Meskimen, it is true that you are running against the administration that you work for.
What exactly would you do differently? Well, for starters, I don't think I'd build a 20,000-mile-long space elevator.
What's that compensating for? Probably a small penis.
Sometimes tall guys are like that.
Well, unlike Ms.
Meskimen, I didn't make sexual advances towards a subordinate who was then fired.
Are we at Burger King, folks? 'Cause that fib was a whopper.
I think we should believe the victims of workplace harassment.
So do I! Oh, he's here.
Good job, Tommy.
My name is Patrick Schenk.
I used to film city council meetings, but then Deputy Mayor Meskimen kissed me in a parking lot, and threw me away like a remote control shark balloon that breaks one second after you assemble it! And she did it at Christmas.
We'll be right back after a full episode of "Scrubs.
" Our scheduling guy made a mistake.
He's lying! Patrick didn't get fired, 'cause he didn't work at city hall! He was a stalker.
That doesn't matter.
What matters is that you look like a winner.
Weekly" has a "who wore it better?" with you and Lisa Vanderpump.
And you now have a page on celebrityankles.
I just can't believe they'd go low.
Tommy talks more trash than Oscar the Grouch.
But I have a move up my sleeve that'll make Oscar look like freakin' Elmo.
I didn't know you had it in you, Kwapis.
- The dirty tricks.
- I don't like it, but I am a student of Nixon.
Cynthia Nixon.
You remember when she ran for governor of New York? I only went negative to win, and I am not winning.
Sir, Arpi can't keep this up.
It's like when I tried to date women in college.
Sure, you can fake it for a couple weeks, but eventually they want more than just cuddling and listening to the London cast recording of "Les Mis," and then you snap.
I don't have wigs, Tommy.
I need a knockout punch now! Hey, kiddo.
Wow, Dad.
I can't even watch this.
"Scrubs?" It was a hit, honey.
No, "Scrubs" is funny and touching, and Neil Flynn is a treasure.
Just How could you go so negative? Well, what about Arpi? Her hair looks different, and she's smiling.
Yeah, and meanwhile, you're just being a bully and a muckraker.
I think you mean a mudslinger.
Mudslinger, fine.
You just love undercutting women, don't you? Mud.
Arpi's dysentery initiative.
Yeah, everything great from your office came from her.
Banning oil drilling, ADU's for the unhoused, family planning for coyotes I know how to break Arpi.
Tommy, I've got a situation here.
James asked his firm to keep him in L.
For, like, us.
Right? I mean, I wanna see where this goes, sure.
But he's making career decisions because of me? And he moved in with his ex after only three months.
I mean, are big gestures, like, his thing? Because big-gesture guys suck! My college boyfriend filled my dorm room with doves.
They gave me SARS.
Okay, so you'd rather James did nothing? No, nothing guys are worse.
This guy I dated in Silver Lake just walked away when I got caught sneaking his pot into a Phish concert.
He sounds white.
So what exactly do you want? I just want Have you ever seen Whitney Houston in "The Bodyguard"? Oh, okay.
So you just want someone to take a bullet for you.
I mean, yes.
Something spontaneous that is 1,000% for me! I mean, Micah put those doves in my room when I was sleeping, Tommy.
I rolled over and popped one.
It sounded like a bag of chips, and I woke up eating it Okay.
I'm in the middle of a debate.
Yeah, tell Mayor Bremer he's gotta change it up.
Just talk about job numbers, and how great the weather has been.
Also tell Arpi if she's looking for a chief of staff with experience that I Hello? There she is.
That's the woman who's been impersonating the mayor.
You think I didn't know who the mayor was because I'm old? I'm old because I've been outsmarting death for 100 years! That's a weird thing to say.
I used to work in the DA's office, and California penal code number 529 makes it a felony to impersonate a public official.
God, I missed this! Mayor Bremer.
During "Scrubs," I misplaced my questions.
Is there anything you'd like to ask me? There is, Chet.
I'd like to ask you to ask me what achievements I'm most proud of.
What achievements are you most proud of? Thank you.
Great question, Chet.
As you know, I've taken on the oil industry.
I banned drilling in the city, and I'm working on ending the practice off our beautiful beaches as well.
And I made it possible for coyotes to have sex for pleasure, and not just reproduction.
And when I return to office, I will initiate a program to mitigate urban dysentery, or M.
for short.
You son of a bitch! Diarrhea's mine, Bremer.
All those ideas are mine.
Then why haven't we heard a single idea from you all night, Meskimen? Because I want these morons to like me! I put on this whole stupid costume to play a game that makes me sick! Well, enough! This isn't me.
This isn't my hair! Yeah, that's gonna be the photo.
This is me! If you don't like it, don't vote for me.
Fine, I won't.
Dodgers suck! Yeah! Good race, Jayden.
I had fun.
It's not over yet.
I still have an October surprise.
Even though it's Wait, what month is it? Not that.
I don't know what that is.
That seems bad.
Oh, my God.
Is anyone else, like, so tired of these two? Okay, sir.
I think there must be some mistake here.
A mistake you're gonna have plenty of time to think about in jail! Or community service.
Look, Ms.
Shaw, he's making a complaint.
I gotta take it down.
Seriously? Okay, no.
This is getting out of hand.
I-I Granddaddy! There you are.
Hey, get off me, man.
What? You don't know me? It's Ernie.
It's Ruthie's son.
He keeps wandering off quoting old "Law and Order" episodes.
He's watched so much, he thinks he's a lawyer.
I am a lawyer.
Let's get you home, Gramps.
I drove myself here! Officer, he was there! The son of a bitch was in on it! I believe you, sir, and I'm gonna get Detectives Benson and Stabler to deal with it.
Don't leave me with these lunatics! I'm sorry, sir.
So, so, so sorry.
Thank you for your service.
I'll be waiting for you in hell.
Please don't look at me, Mikaela.
That was awful Okay, if your kink is me gaslighting the elderly, I can work with that.
No, you took a bullet for me.
I'm Whitney and you're Kevin Costner.
Yes, I get that all the time.
You should stay in L.
Are you sure? Hey! You withdrew! You can't just show up at the end.
My generation views work differently.
We make our own hours, and we don't believe in hierarchies.
That explains why my interns bully me.
So I'm, like, back.
And guess what? Netflix loved that I was running for mayor, so that's the show they wanna do with me.
You guys will watch that, right? So vote Titi B.
Or else I'll have to run for mayor in my safety city, Denver.
They said they'd hold the position open for me, but you guys are my first choice.
That concludes the main portion of the debate.
We'll be right back After I answer this call from my doctor.
Chet Danville here.
Why are you crying? And that's a wrap on Mayor Shaw's successful term in office.
Russian hackers did take over the subway, but there was no one on it, so.
I just got my next assignment.
Please don't tell me it's in Palm Springs.
My hair gets so dry in the desert.
The place from "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol"? But I thought you told them you wanted to stay here.
Yeah, I requested that.
But they send me where they need me.
I guess this really is "The Bodyguard.
" I continue rocketing to the top, looking amazing, and you have to move on to your next assignment.
I mean, you're not gonna quit for me.
Well, I guess it's a good thing we got the news so early.
No time for anyone to catch feelings, right? Right.
It's nice working with you, Mikaela.
Likewise, James.
Hey, now, where are you going? We still have closing statements.
Oh, no, I'm good.
Hey, this isn't just about you, little missy! The people of Los Angeles deserve better than an Instagram shoe person who changes their mind every two seconds.
I'm not just a shoe person.
I also have a line of conflict jewelry.
Warlord: teach the controversy, - wear the controversy.
- Mm-hmm.
And I didn't just change my mind.
This is always my move.
I say I'm not coming, and then I show up super late when there's already drama, and everyone's just psyched to see me.
It's how I roll at parties, movie premieres, and Thanksgiving.
My family's Palestinian, so there's always something, but it's usually Israel.
You planned this.
You let us tear each other apart, so you could swoop in and be the hero? It's rope-a-dope! And we're the dopes! Peace be with you.
Hey, this conversation's not over, young lady - Hey! Get - Let's go.
Get the car ready.
God, darn it.
Well, looks like I'm getting a disease named after me.
You guys ready for closing statements? Oh! Welcome back! There he is.
My October surprise.
Well, hello, Mr.
Do I know you? Does the name "Angie Patinkin" ring a bell? Oh, my word.
Um, Angie? Wow! Uh, when was that? 1965? You look good.
I'm not Angie, you idiot.
I'm her daughter Dad.
What? Oh, my God.
So who's gonna pay for the cab I took from Flagstaff? I don't fly.
Airlines put me on a list, right, and you know what? They're on mine! Hello? This is he.
I won the raffle? Guys, I'm getting' a lizard!
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