Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

First Date

[softly chiming]
[footsteps approaching]
[sighs] This is the last bottle.
[liquid pouring]
Let's make it count.
[squirrel squeaking]
Oh, look, the little
squirrel is back.
- Hey, buddy.
- [chuckling]
[device beeping]

[device continues beeping]
[John] Jane, grab
the money in the bedroom.
[beeping stops]
I can't keep doing this.
I can't keep running away.

Then we stop running.

[vehicle approaching]
You lay down suppressive fire
from the porch, honey.
You can draw their attention,
- I can flank
- [glass shatters]

[gun cocks]

[birds calling]
[Patsy Cline:
"You Belong to Me"]
[engine starts]
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
See the pyramids ♪
Along the Nile ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
Watch the sun rise ♪
[woman] 347.
On a tropic isle ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
Just remember, darling ♪
All the while ♪
You belong to me ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
See the marketplace ♪
In old Algiers ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
Send me photographs ♪
And souvenirs ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
Just remember ♪
Till you're home again ♪
You belong ♪
To me ♪
Do I just look in the screen?
Uh, I'm
I'm five-four
if I'm standing straight.
It's half-Japanese,
half Scottish white.
Yes, I'm willing to relocate.
I don't have a lot
tying me down.

I'm I'm organized.
I'm well-prepared.
And, um, yeah, I think some
people might call it type A,
but I just,
I think I'm efficient.
My master's degree.
No, I got close,
but I didn't make the cut.
I could've sworn I talked
about this already.
They said I had
antisocial tendencies.
[elevator bell chimes]
Am I supposed
to press something, or?
I'm-I'm six-foot.
I, um, I'm five-11.
Uh, African American?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, without a doubt, for the,
for the right opportunity.
Of course.
I've moved around a lot.
Uh, basic training.
Like military combat,
like hand-to-hand combat, drones.
I wouldn't call it
dishonorable, no,
but th-they can call it
whatever they need to.
Um, one accidentally.
And 13 on purpose.
[Jane] Um
[chuckles softly]
Prefer not to say, but, uh
[inhales sharply] Ooh.
Uh [chuckles]
I-I think I have $366
and, like, some change.
But I'm not desperate.
[Jane] Ooh, that's a hard one.
I love food. Um
And maybe just really
good Korean
Korean barbecue.
I like 'em both.
Probably that I'm secretive.
I'm competitive.
Too competitive.
Um, if I'm
remembering correctly,
she said I was
"emotionally unintelligent."
[Jane] I believe it was
"numb and manipulative."
But that's good for this, right?
"I love you"?
Out loud?
[John] Yeah, I've said it to
to two women and, and my mom.
Uh, does,
does that, does that count?
No. Never.
I've definitely
I've-I've felt it
a couple times.
[John] Can I ask you a question?
What is what's this part for?
[elevator bell chimes]
Can I come in?
Yeah. Please.
- [elevator bell chimes]
- I'm Jane.
I'm John.

[footsteps approaching]

[Jane] There's a note.
"Good luck on your first day
of marriage."
- [John] Hmm.
- That's nice.
- [beep]
- [click]
[John] Cool. Guns.
Hey, check this out.
It's an Alien.
It's got that, um,
that counterbalance for the
Yeah, to reduce recoil.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[both grunt softly]
Needs a password.
[clears throat]
I saw one over here.
- Oh.
- [paper shuffles]
Yeah, it's this one.
- Thanks.
- [typing]
Okay. Hmm
"Hihi. Follow woman.
Meet her at restaurant
Orsay at 12:00 p.m.
Sit near bar. Intercept package.
Hand off at" Coordinates.
"Have fun."
- I wonder who she is.
- Maybe a foreign spy.
Yeah, or U.S. intelligence.
Yeah, I guess
we'll find out tomorrow.
- So, what's next? [clears throat]
- Um
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Oh.
- These look like they're ours.
Um, state license, banking card,
- carry permit.
- Hmm.
And marriage certificate.
[chuckles softly]
- Thanks.
- No problem.
We're married.
- [both laugh]
- Yeah, I guess we're married now.
It's weird.
- It's pretty weird.
- Yeah.
Do you, uh, do you want
to take the main room?
[cat meows]
Oh, shit.
- It must've come with the house.
- [chuckles]
- He likes you.
- [John] Mm.
- So, you want to have, like, a drink, or?
- I can take the guest room
if you want.
- I
- Oh, no, you should take the
- Mm, okay.
- You should take the master.
I'm just pretty tired,
so I was just gonna go
- No, yeah, go ahead, yeah. Go, go ahead.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay.
- I'll I got to set up my stuff.
- But, yeah, we'll
- Okay.
- I just dropped it.
So I'll see you,
I'll see you in the morning.
Yeah, I'll see you
in the morning.
Okay. [chuckles]
- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
[lips smacking]


[sets pan down]
[brushing teeth]
[turns water on and off]
[TV playing indistinctly]
[woman] [on TV] It's exactly
what I needed.
This challenge is helping me
to believe in myself.
I think that I underestimate
myself a lot.
- But I definitely feel like I'm proving myself to myself.
- [knocking on door]
- [TV turns off]
- [Jane] Come in.
- Hi.
- I didn't know if we were supposed
to say good night or not.
[cat purring]
You lost your shirt?
Yeah. You guys move fast.
You know you don't
have to water those.
[Jane] Oh.
They're, they're on a timer.
Well, I have trust issues, so
[both chuckle]
I got an app that'll, um
tell you if you're
- overwatering it or not.
- Mm.
- [phone clicks]
- So I can
- report back.
- Okay.
[exhales] All right.
- I'll just see you tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Good night. [sniffles]
- Good night.
I was, I was warm.
Uh, that's why I have no shirt.
It-It's colder up here.
The heat rises, you probably
turned the air on.
- I didn't.
- But I was warm down
I was working
I was
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- Okay.
- All right.
Um, good night.
[door closes]

- [TV turns on]
- [dramatic music playing]
[quiet chatter]
[Jane] I'll have
a table for two.
[hostess] Sure.
Do you have a reservation?
- [Jane] No.
- No problem.
Just give me one second.
I think that's her.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[hostess] Okay.
That's just fine.
- It's gonna be right this way.
- [Jane] Okay, thank you.
Here you are.
- Oh.
- I don't love this table.
Yeah, can we actually
Can we have that table
over there?
It's, um, it's our favorite.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
[clears throat]
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Hi. Uh, can I get you guys
anything to start with?
Can I just have coffee, please?
And a croissant?
Green tea. Thanks.
- She's short.
- [chuckles]
From her picture, I thought she
would be, like, a little taller.
You see the package?
[John] Not yet.
[Jane] She is really
into that sandwich. My God.
Think the sandwich
is the package?
I don't
Oh, here we go.
She's reaching inside her bag.
[John] It's just a tablet.
Can you read it?
What does it say?
"Ten places to travel alone."
[silverware clattering]
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
[waiter] Here we are.
[Jane and John laugh]
- Oh, man.
- Hey.
[clears throat]
Oh, that's
Yep. Thanks.
Appreciate it.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy. - Thanks.
Yeah. Nothing calms the nerves
like a bunch of caffeine.
- Am I right?
- [chuckles]
Can I, um
can I ask you something?
[Jane] Mm-hmm.
Did you, um, apply
for high-risk?
I did. Did you?
Yeah. [chuckles]
It's strange,
I just feel like
I was expecting
something different
for a first mission.
Like what?
I don't know, like a
Like lasers, you know?
- [laughs]
- A little more like [imitates gunfire]
Or something. You know,
something. [imitates gunfire]
I think they're
just easing us in.
- Mm.
- You know, it's always like this at a stakeout at first.
So how'd they get you?
Recruit. H-How'd they
how'd they'd recruit you?
Um, there was an email.
- An email?
- Mm-hmm.
- The email?
- Yeah.
Mm. "Hihi."
Yeah. "Hihi." Mm-hmm.
- Right.
- Yeah. I thought it was weird
that they'd, uh they didn't
bring up that we'd be paired
until the last interview.
I know. I know.
I think it's pretty smart, though.
You draw less attention
as a couple.
You know, you're less
likely to defect
if you're relying on a partner.
It's an old KGB tactic, it's
Hmm. Cool.
Very romantic.
[Jane chuckles]
[sniffs, clears throat]
So, um
This your first time
in New York?
What was your name before Jane?
It wasn't Jane.
You know,
I'm just making conversation.
Just trying to
Have you ever killed anyone?
Okay. Um
No, no, not, not really.
- Really?
- No.
- Hmm.
- How about you?
Do I look like I have?
A little, yeah.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, yeah, you do.
- I don't.
- You got killer eyes.
- What does killer eyes mean?
- You got predator eyes,
like, they're, like,
a little closer together.
- What?
- Prey is, like, on the side.
Predators, you know?
What are you talking about?
I don't have close eyes.
You have close eyes.
You've been in New York before.
What were you doing here?
Like, what was it?
- It was for a school trip.
- Mm.
Yeah, I, um
I ditched it so I could have
pancakes with a pedophile.
- Oh, sh
- Um, what are you saying?
She's leaving. Come on.
Got to go. Do you have cash?
Yeah, I got cash.

[kids chattering playfully]
[John] We've got contact.
This could be the drop.
Is he carrying anything?
[Jane] Mm, I don't see
a package.
Seems personal.
Yeah, it could be her son.
It could be her boyfriend.
I thought you were joking.
- No.
- Oh.
I don't see it.
So, what are you, like
ex-FBI or CIA?
Something like that.
You get thrown out?
Something like that.
Okay, you got,
you got to give me something.
- I don't know you.
- Yeah, but we're married.
Can we have a truce?
can we just go over the basics?
- Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Like what?
- Like, um
I'll take out the trash,
but I don't like ironing.
I like to read to get to sleep.
I do the dishes
while I'm cooking.
- Military boy.
- Mama's boy.
Okay, what's your worst trait?
I can't lose an argument.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- I know, it sucks.
I'm always right.
- Ugh.
- I know.
This marriage is starting off
on-on a great foot.
- [chuckles]
- Just great.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What do you think happens
if we fail?
- Our marriage?
- Our mission.
We won't fail.
[dialogue inaudible]
I think that money
might be the package.
I don't know, it's hard to say.
All right. All right.
- Would you look at that?
- Okay.
- It's okay.
- Well, well, well.
- I was wrong.
- Whoa. Were you?
- Yeah, I was wrong.
- Mm.
But at least I'm okay with it.
And I stand by the assumption.
There's nothing wrong
with the assumption, okay?
- No, obviously, sure.
- Look, I'm not an asshole.
- No.
- Okay? It's just
I just want her to be happy.
I've never seen a happier woman.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- I'm not an asshole.
- No, you're not. At all.
She's moving.
[indistinct chatter]

Okay. This must be the place.
Yeah. I'll run interference
and you find a way in.
Hey, you want to distract them?
Yeah. I'll text you.
- I don't have
- You don't have my number.
Yeah, I don't have your number.
- You want to give me
- Or
- Yeah, let's
- I'll just
- Put it in.
- Yeah, let's just
Oh. Whoa.
I should be clear,
I'm not in this for the romance.
It's just an earpiece.
I was trying to put it in.
Oh. Sorry.
- Is that okay?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorr Yeah.
- Is that okay? I didn't say anything.
- Yeah.
- That was my fault.
- No, no. Go ahead.
- I thought you were
- Yeah, I know.
- You want to do it?
- No, do it, please.
All right.
Looks good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay. Thank you. Yeah.
- Okay. No problem.
- Oh, that's
- Yes.
Great. "John Smith."
[clears throat] Okay.
- Yeah, I'd like to get a ticket.
- No, sir,
- you don't get tickets from me.
- What do you mean?
- [man] No, this isn't like a movie theater.
- Hi.
- Oh, there's only one.
- Oh.
Mom, where's your ticket?
You took it.
[speaking Japanese]
- I don't know you.
- Ma Okay.
Can you just help my mom
find her ticket?
'Cause I have
to help my dad inside
and she's driving me crazy.
[James] You're a fine
armful now, Mary,
with those eight pounds
you've gained.
[Mary] [chuckles] Oh,
I've gotten too fat
[John] [over earpiece]
Can you hear me?
[Jane clears throat]
[James] None of that, my lady.
[John] I just realized
the flaw in this plan.
- [Jane] Excuse me. Sorry.
- [John] Uh
Just text me.
[Mary] I really ought to reduce.
[Mary scoffs]
[James] Is that why you ate
so little at breakfast?
[Mary] So little?
I thought I ate a lot.
[John] Anything?
[James] Not as much
as I'd like to see, anyway.
[Mary] You expect everyone
to-to eat enormous
[John] This woman really
just here to watch a play?
[Mary] No one else
in the world could do that
without dying of indigestion.
[James] Well, I hope I'm not
[John] Okay.
Well was pretty exciting back
there for a second, you know?
[Mary] James, you surely have.
[John] I mean,
not as exciting as this play.
It sounds really fun in there.
[Jane chuckles]
[Mary] I-I'm sure that-that
[John] So
that "pancake with a pedophile"
thing you said back in the café?
Was that real?
Or were you just
fucking with me?
cigar, if you get a good one.
This new batch has
the right mellow flavor.
It's a great deal, too, hmm?
I got them dead cheap.
It was McGuire
[John] Hmm, and what happened?
[Mary] I hope
he didn't turn you on
to some new piece of property.
His real estate bargains
are not doing so well.
[James] I wouldn't say that, Mary.
After all, he was the one
who advised me
to buy that place
on Chestnut Street
[John] Buddy Love?
I don't know, I think
you're fucking with me.
How old was he?
[Mary] The one piece of
stroke of good luck.
Really, dear.
McGuire, h-he never
noticed that
[John] Um, I don't know,
feels made up.
[Mary] Never mind.
There is no convincing you
that you are,
are not going to be
a-a strategic real estate
[John] Yeah, nothing bad
ever happens in public.
And especially
in New York, right?
[audience member clears throat]
So what what happened?
[James] Let's not argue
about business
this early in the morning.
[Mary] James, it's Edmund
[John] Hmm.
That's nice, I guess.
And how'd the date end?
[play continues indistinctly]
That's very sweet of you
to wait till he was gone.
So you didn't hurt his feelings.
[John chuckles]
No, I wasn't calling
you and Dina monsters.
You know, I can't tell
if this story is true or not,
but if it is, I know everything
I need to know about you.
- [chuckles]
- Why did you bother coming?
- Shit.
- [John] What?
What's wrong?
- She's leaving.
- Shh!
[John] She has the package.
- Since when?
- She picked it up at coat check.
What does it look like?
[John] It's in a brown box.
Okay, so what's the plan?
[John] I don't know.
Let me think.
They told us to intercept
the package immediately.
Do we just grab it?
No, no, no.
We got to be discreet.
Okay, then what?
Okay, I'll distract her.
I-I got an idea. Just
just keep your eye on her.
[Jane over comms] Okay,
I got eyes on her.
She's heading downstairs.
[man speaking Chinese]
Yeah, I lost my keys.
[Jane] She's walking
into a cell phone store.
Where are you?
John, what are you doing?
She just bought an Android.
She's calling someone with it.
She's picking up speed.
We got to hurry.
John. John, are you with me?
Do you have more of those boxes?
Like, without the logo?
She's moving.
John, can you hear me?
All right, just need
a little more time.
What if she's coordinating
the drop?
like, if she's
like, if she's meeting
someone nearby,
we need to get this box
right now.
- [woman] You're making a mess.
- Can I, can I have this box?
[woman] Uh, no. Uh
What if I buy this?
I'll buy this.
She just ditched the phone.
What are you doing?
Jesus Christ, John,
are you shopping right now?
Okay, I-I
Keep the change.
[Jane] She's exiting
to Broadway.
Okay, she's leaving.
[John] Take the box.
She's gonna jump to her left.
Hey! My nigga.
Talk to my daughter again,
I'm gonna beat your
motherfucking ass.
Beat your ass.
- Watch it. What
- So sorry, I'm sorry.
- What is wrong with you?
- Sorry.
That is what I'm talking about.
But high-risk.
That look on
that poor guy's face
- when you kicked his display.
- [both laugh]
I know, I don't
What did I say?
- I said something.
- You said
You talked about your daughter?
- I did?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- I did. I don't know.
I think maybe I was like, I
Y-You can't be mad at someone
who's protecting
their daughter, right?
That was good.
- Felt good. Good.
- [chuckles]
What do you think's in that?
It's pretty heavy.
Probably like
military-grade weapons
or something.
Yeah, or encrypted hardware.
- Cipher machine, maybe.
- Maybe.
Who do you think they are?
The company?
Who cares? We got a plunge pool.
So, it's like, you know,
I mean, the way things are
right now in the world,
like, I'm happy
we have a job.
I got a question.
Why-Why'd you do this?
If it's not for the romance.
Why-why do this?
Nowhere else would take me.
And free theatre.
- Free theatre.
- Yeah.
If it makes you feel
any better
nobody would take me, either.
It does.
Two losers on a train ♪
Carrying a box of ♪
- Encrypted ♪
- Something ♪
So we're legally married?
No. No, no, not at all.
No, that'd be fine.
No contact, with anyone?
Um Like even my mother?
Uh, no, I-I wouldn't
have a problem.
[Jane] You're gonna pay me
not to talk to my dad?
Where do I sign?
- [John] This is it?
- [Jane] Yeah.
These are the coordinates.
[birds singing]
[classical music playing softly]
[creaking loudly]
[Jane] Hi.
We have a package.
There's a package.
[woman] We're back in here.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
[quiet chatter]
[woman] Would you make sure
to put those
underneath the heat lamp?
Darling, not too much salt
on that asparagus, please.
Steven, get out
of the refrigerator
and put some pants on.
Please. Steven.
Ah. Just in the nick of time.
[tape peeling]
[Jane] What?
[clasps snapping]
Well, it is a little damaged.
Uh, maybe a 50% discount?
I mean, that doesn't come
out of you guys, does it?
- No.
- No. Uh
Oh, okay. Well, can I get you
something to drink?
- Sure. Yeah.
- No, thanks.
- We got other deliveries.
- Okay.
Well, then the exit's
through the back, then.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Susan, again with the salt?
I-I can, I've asked you
three times.
A cake?
We're not supposed
to talk about it.
Yeah, I know, but
We're not supposed
to talk about it.
Excuse me.
That better have been
a delicious fucking cake.
They're probably diplomats,
and there's an ingredient
in the cake
that they can't get
in the States.
Yeah, but then, why do
[sound fades away]
[car alarm whooping faintly]
[muffled shouting]

- [horns honking]
- [tires screeching]
[woman] Morons!
[bicycle bell dings]
[both panting]
Got eyes on 'em!
- [Jane] Go.
- [men shouting]
[both panting]
- [sirens wailing]
- [engines revving]
[man] Hey.
Hey, what are you
[indistinct shouting]
[distant siren wailing]
[dog barking]
[labored breaths]
Give me your hand.
[chef] Get rid of the trash
and take care of those.
- Got it.
- [chef] Yeah.
[Jane screaming]
[heavy accent] Everybody.
- Holy fuck.
- We need help.
- I-I'll go
- Go help him, please.
[Jane] My head. Help!
[both panting]
- [door shuts]
- [lock clicks]
Are you okay?
Yeah. Are you?
I'll take the window,
you take the front door.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Meet me back at the house.
[sirens wailing in distance]
[both laughing]
Easing easing us in.
[laughs] Yeah.
All right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Be safe.

[vehicle pulls up]
[driver] Jane?
Are you Jane?
[door opens]
[gasps quietly]
[grunts softly]
I came to say good night and
then I got sucked into the bed.
[chuckles softly]
[Jane sighs]
This bed is amazing.
Horse hair.
It's made out of horse hair.
[both chuckle]
How do they get the hair?
I think they shave them.
- Wow.
- Mm.
So you're still not intrigued?
We did the job,
we finished the mission.
That's all we were asked to do.
And if we'd stayed
30 seconds longer?
It's high-risk.
That's what we signed up for.
- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.
We got to name that cat.
I love Samuel.
No, I think
I think Max suits him.
Yeah, Max just sounds
like a dog's name.
You know, it's a cat
so it's got to be regal.
We can compromise,
t-there's got to be a name
I love compromising,
I really do.
And I can't wait to compromise
on everything but Max.
Max is your cat.
Like, you brought him?
From your house?
[both laugh]
I knew it was
I knew it was your cat.
[Jane chuckles]
I lied.
Back at the café.
I have killed people.
I worked some of
the first drones in Afghanistan.
I'm not proud of it.
I'm gonna go to my room.
It was Dina's idea to get
pancakes with Buddy Love.
I was terrified the entire time.
Good night, Jane.
Good night, John.
[door closes]
Wow, so
Just a whole new life.

I'm okay with that.

[John and Jane] Don't
touch that!
- Did he just drop
- I
- a piece of dynamite?
- Let's-let's [sighs]
[therapist] So you two
work together.
- [both] Yes.
- And what is it that you two do?
- [screaming]
- [John] We're computer
- software engineers.
- Software engineers.
[engine revving]
[Jane] Let's make
a certain amount of money,
and then we can part our ways.
How's the intimacy
between the two of you?
- Yeah. It's great.
- It's great.

[Toby] I mean,
I know this is some sort of
twisted honeymoon
for you people.
[tires screeching]
- This is how you eat.
- [clanging silverware]
Trying to sleep with me
or fix my marriage?
- I don't want to fail.
- We're not gonna fail.
- Get on your knees.
- [barks]
[Jane over comms] Sixteenth
- Not too bad, right?
- [John] Um
it's pretty bad.
It's pretty bad.
He wonders whether or not
you guys are compatible.
[man] Marriage is
a house you build,
and sometimes,
your tastes change.
And I vow never to kill you.
Can't tell if you're joking.
[Patsy Cline:
"You Belong to Me"]

Ooh, ooh ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
See the pyramids ♪
Along the Nile ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
Watch the sun rise
on a tropic isle ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
Just remember, darling,
all the while ♪
You belong to me ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
See the marketplace
in old Algiers ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
Send me photographs
and souvenirs ♪
Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
Just remember
when a dream appears ♪
You belong to me ♪
Ah, ah, ah ♪
I'm gonna be so alone ♪
Without you ♪
Ah, ah, ah ♪
And I'm hoping ♪
Next Episode