Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s03e05 Episode Script


1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
She's Mrs Brown Agnes That's Mrs Brown Agnes Oh, Mrs Brown.
Sharon has the day off.
Just sitting over there.
Says she's bored.
Huh! In my day we didn't know what the word bored meant.
Couldn't afford a dictionary? Where did you get that? Sharon got it.
I'm doing me hall up and I thought I might find nice colours in there.
The only colour you'll find in there is blue.
That's all about sex.
Agnes, do you ever think about sex? No, I'm way past that, Winnie.
My legs have been together now longer than the Rolling Stones.
Yeah, with the big lips.
Agnes, what if the Hokey Cokey is what it's all about? Do you know, Winnie, everybody needs a friend like you.
Ah, Agnes.
We'll be friends until we're old and senile.
That's right, Winnie.
Then every day we'll be new friends.
Ah, hello, Mrs McGoogan.
Oh, I like the book.
I believe that's a real, "Get up there, Nelly," book? I'd better get over and say, "Get up there, Sharon.
" See you, Agnes.
See you, Winnie.
So what do you want? Dermot told me to meet him here.
He said he might have some work for me.
What's in the box? It wouldn't be my new kitchen, would it? No.
It's a new phone.
Dermot's looking for a smartphone.
Top of the range.
Why have you got the black tape on the sides of it? Oh, I have to cover up the name.
It's BBC rules.
But it's very obvious from the box that it's an iPhone 4S.
Buster, are you trying to unload stolen goods on my son? Would I do that? Yes.
Mrs Brown, that's very hurtful.
I have feelings, I'm not a rock.
You're not even a feckin' pebble.
Buster, did you ever have a job? I mean a real job, a REAL job? Yeah, I was store security.
You know, looking out for shoplifters down at McCullagh Pickets.
Who sell grand pianos.
I know, it was a handy job.
Why did you leave? I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
Why, son, what did he say to you? You're fired.
I could smell you before I'd seen you.
That's the first time I've heard that today.
Here, the one you were looking for.
Just put your SIM card in there and it's ready to go.
Thanks, Buster.
Dermot, is that above board? Mammy, will you stop worrying? With that fecker involved, I'd always worry.
So, Buster, do you fancy doing a bit of work? Yeah, sure, when? Now, let's get down to the office, get kitted out.
If I'm an air freshener, I want to be vanilla.
Shut up, Buster.
See you, Ma.
Good luck.
Hello there.
Well, as you can see, I'm still waiting on my new kitchen.
I don't know what's wrong with me today? I feel uneasy.
Do you know that feeling you get when you just know something is going to happen? Rory and Dino have moved in together into a new apartment.
Oh, they seem blissfully happy.
Though I could be fuckin' wrong.
Rory, what's wrong? Sit down.
What happened, did you break a nail? Come on, Rory, don't be getting upset.
Tell us what's wrong? Is it you and Dino? What happened? Did he cut your fuckin' tongue out? Mammy! Well, what's the point in educating a child if he speaks to you with Speak! Mammy, can I stay here for a couple of days? My apartment is ruined.
I'll have to get new carpets and all.
Why, love, what happened? Me and Dino had a row.
Oh, for God's sake.
I walked out and when I came back he was gone and he'd destroyed the apartment.
Destroyed it? He even pulled the radiator off the wall.
The whole place was flooded.
Mark is over there now trying to fix it.
But I have to get new carpets.
Well, a row is one thing but there's no need for that kind of violence.
Rory, love, of course you can stay here.
You go up and have a nice hot bath, love, put some Fairy liquid in it, make it nice and bubbly.
I'll make you a cup of tea, love.
Thanks, Mammy.
All right.
What the hell is Dino playing at? I don't know? Poor Rory.
And when I see him, poor fuckin' Dino! OK, Mr Campbell, I'll tell her when she comes in.
Hi, you two.
Hiya, Cathy.
Is your mother home from the market yet? Not yet, any minute though.
We'll call back later, so No, Mark, we're waiting.
Putting it off won't make it any easier.
This came in this morning.
We've been granted our visas for Australia.
Oh, that's fantastic! Congratulations! Yeah, great.
Right, we'll go then.
Cathy, will you tell Mammy, so? Stop it, Mark, we're waiting.
Hello, you two.
What brings you here so early? Mark, why don't you go in the sitting room with your mother for a private chat? Come on, Ma.
It's not my book, I just got a lend of it.
Oh, God, she's been dreading this day.
I know.
Cathy, can you do me a favour? If I can.
Do you have a printer at work? Yeah, sure.
What is it, Mark? Is it something about Bono? No, Ma, Bono's fine.
Thank God, I thought you were going to give me bad news Mammy, I got my visa for Australia.
We all did.
Myself, Betty and Bono.
We can go within the next six weeks.
A new life, a new beginning.
It's fantastic.
Cathy, did they tell you? They got them, the visas for Australia.
They got them.
Jesus, Ma, I thought you'd be upset.
Well, I'm not going to say I'd be thrilled to see you going but you have to do whatever's right for your family.
I'm delighted for yous, both of yous.
Especially you, Betty, cos I know it was all your idea.
We should be going.
Thanks for doing that, Cathy.
No problem, Betty, I'll get it done.
I suppose you'll want to start packing? I've already started.
Of course you have.
Mammy, there was a phone call for you.
A Mr Campbell, Kirby & Campbell Solicitors.
Oh, all right.
Solicitors? What's that about? Nothing.
Nothing important.
I'll get that! Hello? How do you do? Hello, Mr Campbell.
Yes, I Just one moment, please.
I'll get that.
Cathy, answer that glistening love rod.
Hello? Yes, this is Cathy Brown.
Oh, thanks for calling me back.
I was looking for some information on a solicitors company, Kirby & Campbell? I was wondering what it is they specialise in? Door, Mammy.
Well, if it isn't the bally bunion butcher! Come in.
You have a cheek calling over here.
Is Rory here? He's upstairs but I don't think he wants to speak to you.
I just want to apologise.
I don't think an apology will cut it this time, Dino.
Oh! How could you be so rough? Oh! My Rory is such a gentle soul.
Oh! There's no need for that vandalism.
Vandalism? Vandalism! Vandalism? Vandalism! I did nothing like that! Liar! You pulled the radiator off the wall, you flooded the whole feckin' apartment! I had to! You had to? Aye, he had me handcuffed to it.
What the hell happened? I think I've killed her.
She's fine.
Oh, no! What's wrong, Cathy? Mammy fainted.
No, Cathy, no, you look pale.
Mammy's fainted before.
I just found out about the solicitors who have been calling Mammy.
What about them? They specialise in adoptions.
Dermot, she's awake.
Are you all right, Mammy? Adoptions? These solicitors Kirby & Campbell, they arrange adoptions? No, they track down adopted children from mothers who put them up for adoption years ago.
What does that mean? That means that one of us could be adopted.
Surely your mother would have told you? Wouldn't she? No! So which one of yous then? I suppose whichever one of us is the most different to the rest? Hiya.
What? Come on, Betty, we'd better get out of here before Mammy comes back.
She'll know we were talking about her.
Yeah, us too.
Come on, Dermot Brown or whoever you really are.
Maria, that's not even a little bit funny.
What's going on, Dermot? Cathy'll fill you in.
For God's sake, Cathy, what is it? We think one of us is adopted.
I knew it! I was born into a real rich family.
And yous bastards kidnapped me! For God's sake, Rory! Does everything have to be a drama? Hello, Cathy.
So you see, Cathy, I wasn't a married man just using you for a fling.
I've been divorced a long time ago.
But why didn't you just say that? I wanted to, but neither you nor your mother gave me a chance.
Dermot's phone.
I bet that's feckin' stolen.
Mammy, look who's here.
Detective Mick.
Lets go in and say hello.
I'll get it.
Hello, Mrs Brown.
I hope you have a warrant.
You can't just walk in here looking for stolen phones.
No, no, I'm not here on official business.
Stolen phones? What? You said stolen phones.
Who did? You did, just now.
You said stolen phones.
What? Mammy, Father Quinn is back.
Isn't that fantastic? Oh, fantastic! Hello, Father Quinn.
Come in! Come in! Let's go for a drink, Mick.
I want to hear the whole story.
Now, Father, welcome back.
How did reha your holiday go? Sufficient to say that I had a good rest, Mrs Brown.
That's fantastic.
Do you want me to pour you a drop? No! I mean, no thank you, Mrs Brown.
It's just great to have him back, Mrs Brown.
The hospital say it was all caused by You! Stress, Father.
They said stress.
Well, the drink couldn't have helped! I'm attending meetings now and one of the recommendations is that I am to confront my demons.
So, I'm here.
Well, what can I do for you, Father? Oh, yes.
Well Allow me, Father.
Mrs Brown, as you may know Father Quinn's annual garden party is coming up shortly.
Where's me phone? Do you want me to ring it? Yeah, will you? The garden party is a major fundraiser for meals on wheels.
But it will also be my first event since I came back.
And the Father's counsellor suggested that he invite you along to help.
Sort of a re-baptism of fire so to speak.
Hot! Hot fire! And indeed it is a very important gathering for the entire community.
It gives friends and neighbours a chance to keep in touch.
Touch! Touch! Oh, touch! It was ringing.
Maybe you left it in the car.
No, I walked here! Ring it again.
Look, Father, I know how important Father Quinn's garden party is I'll get to the point.
I need volunteers on the day to help me give the parishioners a great day out.
Now, I would never usually ask you Mrs Brown, will you come along and help? Come along! Come along! This was a mistake, give me that bottle.
No, Father, you mustn't! Just wait, Father.
Mrs Brown, will you be coming? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You look in good form.
I am.
It's been a strange day.
Oh, me too.
I had Father Quinn and Father Damien call asking me to volunteer to help at the garden party.
They can feck off, Agnes! Eight hours on my feet in the cold.
They asked me too.
I volunteered.
What? Ah, they must have seen you coming.
It's only one day.
Somebody has to do it.
Well, I suppose.
Here, I see Mick the Dick is back on the scene.
He dropped in out of the blue.
Cathy said he explained everything and now, oh, he's so sensitive! Aren't they all.
Especially around the top.
My Redser had only two emotions.
Horny and hungry.
Every time he got an erection I made him a sandwich.
Here, same again, pet? Yes, love.
You know, Rory, I'm so sorry we even had that fight.
I am too.
I woke up and you weren't beside me and I didn't like it.
Well, I'll be there tomorrow, so don't you worry.
I'd much prefer it if you were legally obliged to be there.
Dino Doyle, are you proposing to me? Hiya, Ma.
Hello, son.
Ma, can I ask you something? Sure.
Do I look like Daddy? Jesus, no, not a bit.
Your father used to take you out for a walk and people used to go "Oh, is he adopted?" Adopted? Yes! No, love, no, you're the image of my father.
Really? Oh, yes, son.
You're the spit of him.
I knew it the day you were born.
I held you up, I even put a fag in your mouth to be sure.
See you later, Ma.
Cathy, it's not me.
I'm not adopted.
Mammy, I have some amazing news for you.
What, Rory? I'm getting married.
Are you sure? I mean, Rory, have you thought this through? Yes, Mammy.
I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life.
Oh, well then I'm delighted for you.
Ah, thanks, Mammy! There you go, pet.
What's up with Rory? He's getting married.
That's fantastic.
Are you delighted? Kind of.
I'm dreading what will happen when he tells Dino.
Crisps! Ah, shite.
This is your life.
What's that? It's my photo album, Mammy.
I was just looking through it.
And do you know what I noticed when I was looking at this? There are no baby photos of me.
Really? None at all.
None? Not even one.
Jesus, that's odd.
Now, why would that be? Maybe you were an ugly baby? I'm only joking.
Do you know, I'm a shocking mother, Cathy.
You were my fourth child in four years.
I was in labour longer than feckin' Harold Wilson! I had a house full of kids, a house full of shitty nappies and an alcoholic husband.
Why wasn't I running around going "Where's my fuckin' camera?" Sometimes I don't feel I'm part of this family.
And sometimes you act like you're not.
"'What's your name,' he said.
"'Mmph, mmph, mmph,' she said.
" They all lived happily ever after.
Hello, Granny.
Hello, Bono.
Look at you, big boy, all dressed up for school.
Guess what? What? I'm not going to Australia.
Oh, Bono, don't start that again.
You are going.
You have to go with your Mammy and your Daddy.
What would they do in Australia without you? They're not going either.
They are, son.
No, we're not, Ma.
What? Betty got these printed.
'Mark Brown and Son, Carpenters.
' I put them around the houses in the area.
And more work for Mark than he can handle.
We can afford to stay.
That's fantastic! See, I told you, Granny.
That's great! Can I go upstairs and play with Grandad's teeth? Of course you can.
Off you go.
Yes! Here, you, you're going to school.
No time for playing.
Go and wait in the car.
Sorry to intrude.
Today's the day we start the kitchen.
Buster, Mammy doesn't need you.
I'll be doing the kitchen.
But what about compensation? What about this? You go away and I wont shove that toolbox up your Mark! That sounds good to me.
Mark, do you want to buy a toolbox? Never used.
Fair enough.
Right, we'd better go too, Ma.
See you later.
See you, love.
Bye, Mrs Brown.
Thank you.
They're not going to Australia! They're not going to Australia! Hello, Dino.
Come in.
Thank you, Mrs Brown.
I'm glad you called over, Dino.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
Sorry? About what? About Rory not being gay anymore.
He's not gay? No.
And I don't know if he's told you but he's getting married.
I know.
To me.
So what you should do now is you need I beg your pardon? Rory and I are getting married to each other.
I don't think you can do that, son.
Oh, we can and we are.
I need time to think about this.
Rory's not here.
I know.
Actually I came to see you.
Me? Mother of the bri Mother of the groo Rory's mother? What's on your mind? I don't know how to ask this.
It's very delicate.
Dino, you're marrying my son.
He handcuffs you to the radiator.
You probably lick his 99.
What the fuck could be delicate? I suppose.
Rory is beginning to doubt his pedigree.
He has parentage concerns.
Who sired him? Does he even belong to this litter? Dino, either we do this in English or you can fuck off.
Is Rory adopted? Adopted? Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, he'll be so relieved.
I'm sorry if I upset you by bringing it up.
Do I look upset? Not at all, son.
Actually I think it's quite sweet.
Time comes when we all need somebody to stand up for us.
I'm glad Rory has you.
Thank you.
You're a good boy.
Now, fuck off and be good somewhere else.
Dino? Why would Rory think he's adopted? Well, apparently Cathy and Mark overheard you on the phone to some solicitor and they're convinced one of them is adopted.
Overheard? Serves them fuckin' right.
Hiya, Mammy! Hello, love.
Are you all right? Fine.
I had a very interesting conversation today with Dino about Rory.
Really? You wont believe it.
Rory thought he was adopted.
Oh, really? Where would he get an idea like that? God only knows.
Cathy, you're not adopted.
I'm not? No, you feckin' eejit! Well, who is then? None of yous! That firm of solicitors handles other stuff as well, you know.
I didn't want to worry you and Mark.
The company your father works for, they're trying to cut his widow's pension.
They said that they're having an economic downturn.
But your father died 25 years ago.
He didn't fuckin' cause it! They're representing the union, they wanted papers.
That's all.
And so you should be.
Rory was terrified.
And Mark too.
I must talk to him.
Oh, you should! We wouldn't want one of your sons upset now, would we? No, we wouldn't.
Excuse me, Miss! Do you believe I think more of my boys than I do of you? I know it! Do you now? Well, let me tell you something I know, Missy.
Your son is your son till he takes a wife.
Your daughter's your daughter all your life.
Good night, Mammy.
Good night.
Life is all about relationships.
Mark is not going to Australia, but, if he did, would the distance between us make him less my son? No.
And Cathy has decided to forgive Mick.
Is that the right thing to do? I don't know.
Kieran, come on.
Kieran on the camera.
But it makes Cathy happy.
Come on, dear.
And what if one of my children was adopted? What if they were all adopted? Would that make me less their mother? No! Life is all about relationships.
Yes, love.
Thanks for telling me I'm not adopted.
I was really worried.
Worried about what for God's sake? Cathy, look at yourself.
Who the fuck would adopt you? Good night!