Mulaney (2014) s01e10 Episode Script
French Roast
You guys are a very nice crowd.
Sometimes stand-up crowds aren't nice.
I don't like being made fun of.
I guess being a comedian was a very bad idea.
I was once doing stand-up comedy in murfreesboro, Tennessee, which is a real place, and I pronounced it correctly.
That's how it's pronounced.
"Mur-freers-buro.
" It was named, I think, by a dying confederate general as he barely sat up in bed eating mashed potatoes.
And his grandson was like, "pappy, you got to name the town," and he was like, "Murfurbur.
" And they were like, "put it on the sign as-is.
" They have a chant in murfreesboro.
"How many 'r's? Nine.
" I was doing stand-up comedy in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, at an outdoor campground next to a beer truck.
Later, some would allege that I was "blocking the beer truck.
" I was doing the show on purpose, by the way.
It maybe sounds like this was an accidental show, like I was driving across the south in an old Jalopy, and it broke down, and the people at Murfreesboro were like, "we'll give you supper, but first, you got to make funnies for us.
" No, I was doing this show on purpose.
I had it on my calendar.
I was like, "oh, boy, oh, boy.
"Only two more weeks until the worst night of my entire life.
" So I get to the show and "show" is in many quotes and I get to the stage and the stage was nice.
It was a lot like this, except it wasn't at all.
It was three 2x4s lying in dirt.
I got up on the stage, and I started to perform stand-up comedy.
And they didn't like it at all.
And one gentleman from the back of the campground yelled and I'm quoting "Excuse me, sir.
"I think I speak for everyone here "when I say that we would enjoy silence more than the sound of your voice.
" Very mean, yes? But also, how very eloquent.
What a beautiful turn of phrase, "to enjoy silence more than the sound of your voice.
" If that was the last line of a Maya Angelou poem, you would just shut the book and look out the window, think about what you did with your life.
Mulaney - 01x10 French Roast Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay? Ugh, another text from Lou.
Wow, he's like your best friend now.
No, no, no, he just thinks that texting is tweeting.
"Happy hump day, "or as camels call it, 'Wednesday.
' "#CelebrityYouGuessedIt, #Twitter.
" That's funny.
You should retweet that.
Shopping montage! Sorry.
Ugh, I was having a nightmare.
You fell asleep watching a movie again.
Yeah, they're too long.
And I always feel bad for the actors when I wake up halfway through.
I'm like, "aw, you guys didn't have to keep going.
" Hey, how was your date with Mr.
Hedge Fund guy? What's his name? Crisp? No, it's Price.
And I thought it was going well, but at one point, he was talking about money markets and CDs, so obviously, I was like, "why don't you 'see deez' nuts?" And he kind of shut down.
I'm not even sure why.
He was probably just falling in love with you.
I really want things with price to work.
He totally seems like a grown woman's boyfriend.
I think I just need to be more ladylike.
Well, have you tried to be more ladylike? Yes, but it's hard.
I live with two guys.
- It's like a frat house in here.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, this is orange creme.
I thought it was plain.
You want to split it? I shouldn't, but Let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, hello.
I smelled yogurt.
Are you having a party? No, but do you want one? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
My pleasure to be welcomed.
Oh, I've never heard that before.
Most people don't say it anymore.
I'm brushing up on traditional etiquette.
Whoa.
A return to 1950s etiquette," by Connie Kahn.
She was a dentist and one day said, "enough," and became a therapist.
It's all about old-fashioned politeness.
Hey, Oscar, is there anything in that book about being ladylike? Of course.
Chapter one's on female politeness.
- Sweet.
Give me the book.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
What do we say? Please? Actually, you say nothing.
Have your husband talk to me.
Do you believe they gave me this? And I don't even know black people.
Isn't life amazing? I'm an award-winning comedian, my game show is number one Daytime.
And I just installed a $100,000 pizza oven.
I'm certain I will make pizza every night.
Well, we hope it doesn't collect dust like that chicken coop.
Oh, those poor chickens.
But that omelet was great though.
Do you know that the game show is so successful that the Network wants to produce a special roast of yours truly.
That's kind of a cool idea, but I got to say, I'm surprised you're gonna let people roast you.
Oh, please.
I've heard it all.
You forget I was the star of 1989's failed summer comedy French Toast.
Of course, French toast.
I played travel writer Mike Moore opposite Darryl Strawberry, who played my editor.
In fact, he was so convincing, we let him edit the movie.
That was a big mistake.
But I loved that movie as a kid.
You're hilarious in it.
Like, remember the scene at the end When I pop out of the suitcase, and everyone's startled, and I say What, you were expecting traveler's checks? That is great.
The writing.
Though I've always wondered, why is your character in the suitcase? Well, I need to be smuggled over the border because I'm wanted for being a jewel thief.
We cut a scene that explained the plot.
I see.
I see.
Hey, John, remember when I told you this job could lead to great opportunities? How would you like to be one of the roasters? - Really? - Yeah.
You would let me be on your roast? Thank you.
That's amazing.
You know, I've never been on TV before, - unless you count that web series.
- We don't.
Wow, I'm gonna be on a Network roast.
This is awesome.
I want to tell my parents.
Oh, let's tell them right now.
Come on.
Donna, get Mrs.
Mulaney on the phone.
Yes, Lou.
Yeah, I just love seeing people tell their parents exciting news.
Hello, Mulaney residence.
I'm in your house.
I'm going to kill you.
Oh, that was great.
Who else shall we prank? I'm really getting into this lady of the '50s thing.
Okay, so what should I say on my date? Nothing.
Ladies listen.
My mother was one of the great 1950s listeners.
And she would vacuum the entire house in heels, as would I.
Interesting.
Jane, what was that? A sneeze.
No.
No, no, no.
When you sneeze, you never make a noise.
If it feels like your brain is exploding, then you're doing it right.
So I just stay quiet the whole night? No, no, no.
We're gonna teach you a cocktail hour song.
Men love to be entertained.
And I wouldn't mind seeing you in some period attire.
Period attire? You mean like pajama pants and my giant hoodie? No.
Clothing from that time period.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
We have a lot of work to do.
This newsreel on manners is from that time.
You may recognize the little boy playing the dunce.
- It's me.
- No! I didn't know you acted.
I didn't, but I always came to school camera-ready.
There I am.
You're gonna roast Lou Cannon? Young moolah, that's amazing.
If you need to stay up all night writing jokes, I'm having a sale on study pills.
You take one of those, and you can focus all night.
Nah, I shouldn't.
The last time I took one of those pills, I stayed up and wrote those aerosmith parody songs.
And then, remember, they just turned out to be other Aerosmith songs.
Hey, are you sure roasting your boss is a good idea? I'd be careful.
I got fired just for complimenting my boss' breasts.
He was like, "you get out of here.
" Yeah.
Andre could be right.
Roasting Lou might be dicey.
Damn it, and I really want to do this.
It pays 700 bucks.
That's, like, $80 after taxes.
Mulaney, don't panic.
I think you may be okay.
Lou is really successful, and he knows you look up to him.
People can take a joke from somebody who's so obviously lower status than them.
Huh.
See, if a steak makes fun of a hot dog, that's cruel.
But if a hot dog makes fun of a steak, - the steak ain't gonna care.
- Right, because he's just a dumb hot dog.
So I'm a dumb hot dog? - Okay.
- Andre.
Andre.
I didn't call him a hot dog.
May I now present miss Jane Parvanah Wait.
That won't do.
I'm gonna change it.
Jane Monroe.
Have you had dinner, gentlemen? Would you like any pork chops with hot fruit? Oh, cool.
Jane's on ecstasy.
Actually, Oscar has been giving me etiquette lessons.
How was work today? A lady always takes an interest in a gentleman's livelihood.
Oh, really? Because, you know, Motif and I were just discussing the ins and outs of stand-up comedy.
Oh, how interesting.
Tell me everything.
I very much enjoy your stand-up act.
Your life experiences matter so much.
What about my act? Have you heard the new political bit I do? Every girl has a friend named Erica, and if you ain't got a friend named Erica, then you the friend Erica.
Well, I don't have one, so I guess I'm Erica.
Oh, wow.
You two are destined for stardom.
Thank you.
You know, Jane, I never tell this to anybody, but I think I could be the next Johnny Carson but also do movies.
Ew, what? John, you'll be lucky if you're Carson Daly and you go to the movies.
Jane Bouvier Monroe, we have a lot more work to do.
Posture.
Bust out.
Eyes dead.
Monroe, Mulaney, Motif residence.
He did what? He called your son a hot dog? Andre's crying in the bath right now? John Bouvier Mulaney, I expected more from you.
Welcome to Celebrity You Guessed It's roast to Lou Cannon with special guests the Rock, Jason Priestley, Slash, and a polite text message from Tom Hanks.
And now, Lou Cannon! Hey, yo! Thank you! Oh, come on! Wow, way to kick it off, Ron Jeremy.
Now I've been roasted and Shaq'd.
Love you, big guy.
Jason Priestley, everybody.
From 90210 to "I owe you one, bro.
" We'll be back You're gonna kill this, baby boy.
So you don't think it's too mean to make a joke about Lou's parents? No! They ain't watching.
They dead.
Remember, hot dog.
Steak.
Hell, yeah.
My next guest is not a big name yet, but he's a big star in my heart, and I thought it would be fun to have him up here.
My protege, John Mulaney.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, Lou Cannon is so old that That did not go well.
How dare you talk to me this way? You think I'm old? Would an old man wear this much makeup? I'm sure he'll get over it.
I will never get over this.
Ever! Damn.
Ron Jeremy is walking off in disgust.
You must have really crossed a line.
How do you cross that line? Oh, no, another text from Lou that he thought was a tweet.
"Why do bffs have to be so mean? "#Mean, # Twitter.
" Wow.
- Slash has looked the same forever.
- Hey I thought you said that Lou wasn't gonna get offended.
I know, man.
Doesn't make sense.
Wait.
Oh, I think I know what happened.
We assumed you were lower status because you're a nobody with no credits and an awkward persona.
I don't think we said all that.
But when it comes to age, you're higher status.
Your whole career is in front of you.
Oh, you're right.
I may be a hot dog, but I'm a young hot dog.
And Lou is a steak, but, you know, he might be a steak who's afraid that his best days are behind him.
Unless he has a big food resurgence like Brussels Sprouts, aka Betty White.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Hi, Jane.
My date with price is tonight.
And she's finally a lady.
Oh, thanks, Oscar.
Bang my ass on a bus I am screwed.
What's wrong? Price is taking me to a movie.
I'm gonna fall asleep.
You guys, it's a three-hour documentary about the Zufu Rebels of Zaire.
Nothing makes me more tired than hopeless regions.
- You know that.
- Hey, don't panic.
Just tell him you don't want to go to the movie.
John, I can't do that.
I want to show him I care about his interests.
You guys, I can't be single anymore.
Everything happens over text, - and I don't spell well.
- Okay, relax, relax.
You want to stay awake and focus on the movie? Andre's having a sale on study pills.
What if you took one? Study pills? Doesn't sound very ladylike.
Not true.
Ladies of the '50s always took pills.
My mother vacuumed the house in high heels.
She was high out of her mind.
I'll text him.
"Hey, Andre, Jane needs" Jane needs what? Study pills.
Oh, yeah.
Here you go, man.
Did you run all the over to our apartment? Oh, no.
I was just listening outside the door.
All right.
I'm going for it.
See you guys at the wedding chapel.
Hey, Oscar, maybe you can help me.
I thought I could make fun of my boss because, you know, he's higher status, but it totally backfired.
I know exactly what you mean.
It's like when I thought I was the Knish and Horace Lipowitz was the Matzo Ball.
So now I'm a Matzo Ball? Great.
John, it's very simple.
You just need to reset the balance of power.
You need to make a gesture to your boss to show him that you know your place.
Thanks, Oscar.
That's a good idea.
Man, life was so much better in the '50s.
No, it wasn't.
What are you doing here? I thought this was the address for the Rub and Tug Psychic.
You're the last person I want to see.
Look, I had Donna lie to you and tell you that this was the Rub and Tug Psychic because I needed you to show up.
Lou, I want to show you that I know my place, and I really look up to you.
In fact, I got you this gift.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You live here? Yeah.
But this is the basement, right? Where you store all your trash? Kind of, except it's our living room, and we just had it cleaned.
Oh, my God, you're poor.
Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
You're right.
It's fine.
I mean, it's you're young and hungry.
You know, you're 19 years old, for God's sake.
Well, I'm, you know, 29.
What? You're 29? And you live here? With two roommates? Look at this sewer.
You live like a Ninja Turtle.
And all you've ever done is write for me.
I mean, when Bobby Kennedy was 32, he was Attorney General of the United States.
When you're 32, you won't even own an espresso.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, sounds like you've regained your higher status.
Oh, my God, yes.
You see why you shouldn't be offended by me, Lou? Oh, I'd be a fool to be offended by someone like you.
Oh, my goodness.
- I feel good.
- Well, good.
But just as a token of my apology, I got you this gift.
There's nothing in it.
What, you were expecting traveler's checks? Oh, remind me later to tell you how to do that line.
So give me the tour.
- No, I don't want it.
- Oh, come on.
All right.
This is our kitchen, where we The fact that you even call it a kitchen How was the date? I crapped my tights.
Oh, dear.
Oh, right.
You know, sometimes study pills can give you diarrhea.
Oh, well, it would have been nice to know that, John.
I just spent the last week memorizing what fork to use.
Come date night, and I'm sneaking out of the movie theater with a beach towel tied around my ass.
Yo, I hate this conversation.
It isn't very ladylike.
You know what, Oscar? I don't need to change who I am to get a guy to like me.
And if you don't like me making a joke that I have male genitals, which is hilarious, then maybe we shouldn't date in the first place.
Look, there'll be a point in your life when you can be rude and crap your tights.
It's called being 70.
So right now, why don't you just try a little? All of you.
Thanks, Oscar.
You're welcome.
My pleasure to be welcomed.
Back to our 2:00 A.
M.
showing of French Toast.
And for the monsieur, escargot.
Yummy.
What's that mean? It means "snails.
" What did I miss? Everything.
Why is that lady topless? She's the one that stole the You know what, it doesn't make sense.
Go back to sleep.
Careful, monsieur.
Zis plate is very hot.
Uh, I'll be the judge of that.
Ow! Oh! Ah.
Why didn't I order French Toast? Careful, monsieur.
Zis plate is very hot.
Oh, I'll be the judge of that.
Ah! Oh! Ah! Aah! I need some French Toast.
Sometimes stand-up crowds aren't nice.
I don't like being made fun of.
I guess being a comedian was a very bad idea.
I was once doing stand-up comedy in murfreesboro, Tennessee, which is a real place, and I pronounced it correctly.
That's how it's pronounced.
"Mur-freers-buro.
" It was named, I think, by a dying confederate general as he barely sat up in bed eating mashed potatoes.
And his grandson was like, "pappy, you got to name the town," and he was like, "Murfurbur.
" And they were like, "put it on the sign as-is.
" They have a chant in murfreesboro.
"How many 'r's? Nine.
" I was doing stand-up comedy in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, at an outdoor campground next to a beer truck.
Later, some would allege that I was "blocking the beer truck.
" I was doing the show on purpose, by the way.
It maybe sounds like this was an accidental show, like I was driving across the south in an old Jalopy, and it broke down, and the people at Murfreesboro were like, "we'll give you supper, but first, you got to make funnies for us.
" No, I was doing this show on purpose.
I had it on my calendar.
I was like, "oh, boy, oh, boy.
"Only two more weeks until the worst night of my entire life.
" So I get to the show and "show" is in many quotes and I get to the stage and the stage was nice.
It was a lot like this, except it wasn't at all.
It was three 2x4s lying in dirt.
I got up on the stage, and I started to perform stand-up comedy.
And they didn't like it at all.
And one gentleman from the back of the campground yelled and I'm quoting "Excuse me, sir.
"I think I speak for everyone here "when I say that we would enjoy silence more than the sound of your voice.
" Very mean, yes? But also, how very eloquent.
What a beautiful turn of phrase, "to enjoy silence more than the sound of your voice.
" If that was the last line of a Maya Angelou poem, you would just shut the book and look out the window, think about what you did with your life.
Mulaney - 01x10 French Roast Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay? Ugh, another text from Lou.
Wow, he's like your best friend now.
No, no, no, he just thinks that texting is tweeting.
"Happy hump day, "or as camels call it, 'Wednesday.
' "#CelebrityYouGuessedIt, #Twitter.
" That's funny.
You should retweet that.
Shopping montage! Sorry.
Ugh, I was having a nightmare.
You fell asleep watching a movie again.
Yeah, they're too long.
And I always feel bad for the actors when I wake up halfway through.
I'm like, "aw, you guys didn't have to keep going.
" Hey, how was your date with Mr.
Hedge Fund guy? What's his name? Crisp? No, it's Price.
And I thought it was going well, but at one point, he was talking about money markets and CDs, so obviously, I was like, "why don't you 'see deez' nuts?" And he kind of shut down.
I'm not even sure why.
He was probably just falling in love with you.
I really want things with price to work.
He totally seems like a grown woman's boyfriend.
I think I just need to be more ladylike.
Well, have you tried to be more ladylike? Yes, but it's hard.
I live with two guys.
- It's like a frat house in here.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, this is orange creme.
I thought it was plain.
You want to split it? I shouldn't, but Let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, hello.
I smelled yogurt.
Are you having a party? No, but do you want one? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
My pleasure to be welcomed.
Oh, I've never heard that before.
Most people don't say it anymore.
I'm brushing up on traditional etiquette.
Whoa.
A return to 1950s etiquette," by Connie Kahn.
She was a dentist and one day said, "enough," and became a therapist.
It's all about old-fashioned politeness.
Hey, Oscar, is there anything in that book about being ladylike? Of course.
Chapter one's on female politeness.
- Sweet.
Give me the book.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
What do we say? Please? Actually, you say nothing.
Have your husband talk to me.
Do you believe they gave me this? And I don't even know black people.
Isn't life amazing? I'm an award-winning comedian, my game show is number one Daytime.
And I just installed a $100,000 pizza oven.
I'm certain I will make pizza every night.
Well, we hope it doesn't collect dust like that chicken coop.
Oh, those poor chickens.
But that omelet was great though.
Do you know that the game show is so successful that the Network wants to produce a special roast of yours truly.
That's kind of a cool idea, but I got to say, I'm surprised you're gonna let people roast you.
Oh, please.
I've heard it all.
You forget I was the star of 1989's failed summer comedy French Toast.
Of course, French toast.
I played travel writer Mike Moore opposite Darryl Strawberry, who played my editor.
In fact, he was so convincing, we let him edit the movie.
That was a big mistake.
But I loved that movie as a kid.
You're hilarious in it.
Like, remember the scene at the end When I pop out of the suitcase, and everyone's startled, and I say What, you were expecting traveler's checks? That is great.
The writing.
Though I've always wondered, why is your character in the suitcase? Well, I need to be smuggled over the border because I'm wanted for being a jewel thief.
We cut a scene that explained the plot.
I see.
I see.
Hey, John, remember when I told you this job could lead to great opportunities? How would you like to be one of the roasters? - Really? - Yeah.
You would let me be on your roast? Thank you.
That's amazing.
You know, I've never been on TV before, - unless you count that web series.
- We don't.
Wow, I'm gonna be on a Network roast.
This is awesome.
I want to tell my parents.
Oh, let's tell them right now.
Come on.
Donna, get Mrs.
Mulaney on the phone.
Yes, Lou.
Yeah, I just love seeing people tell their parents exciting news.
Hello, Mulaney residence.
I'm in your house.
I'm going to kill you.
Oh, that was great.
Who else shall we prank? I'm really getting into this lady of the '50s thing.
Okay, so what should I say on my date? Nothing.
Ladies listen.
My mother was one of the great 1950s listeners.
And she would vacuum the entire house in heels, as would I.
Interesting.
Jane, what was that? A sneeze.
No.
No, no, no.
When you sneeze, you never make a noise.
If it feels like your brain is exploding, then you're doing it right.
So I just stay quiet the whole night? No, no, no.
We're gonna teach you a cocktail hour song.
Men love to be entertained.
And I wouldn't mind seeing you in some period attire.
Period attire? You mean like pajama pants and my giant hoodie? No.
Clothing from that time period.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
We have a lot of work to do.
This newsreel on manners is from that time.
You may recognize the little boy playing the dunce.
- It's me.
- No! I didn't know you acted.
I didn't, but I always came to school camera-ready.
There I am.
You're gonna roast Lou Cannon? Young moolah, that's amazing.
If you need to stay up all night writing jokes, I'm having a sale on study pills.
You take one of those, and you can focus all night.
Nah, I shouldn't.
The last time I took one of those pills, I stayed up and wrote those aerosmith parody songs.
And then, remember, they just turned out to be other Aerosmith songs.
Hey, are you sure roasting your boss is a good idea? I'd be careful.
I got fired just for complimenting my boss' breasts.
He was like, "you get out of here.
" Yeah.
Andre could be right.
Roasting Lou might be dicey.
Damn it, and I really want to do this.
It pays 700 bucks.
That's, like, $80 after taxes.
Mulaney, don't panic.
I think you may be okay.
Lou is really successful, and he knows you look up to him.
People can take a joke from somebody who's so obviously lower status than them.
Huh.
See, if a steak makes fun of a hot dog, that's cruel.
But if a hot dog makes fun of a steak, - the steak ain't gonna care.
- Right, because he's just a dumb hot dog.
So I'm a dumb hot dog? - Okay.
- Andre.
Andre.
I didn't call him a hot dog.
May I now present miss Jane Parvanah Wait.
That won't do.
I'm gonna change it.
Jane Monroe.
Have you had dinner, gentlemen? Would you like any pork chops with hot fruit? Oh, cool.
Jane's on ecstasy.
Actually, Oscar has been giving me etiquette lessons.
How was work today? A lady always takes an interest in a gentleman's livelihood.
Oh, really? Because, you know, Motif and I were just discussing the ins and outs of stand-up comedy.
Oh, how interesting.
Tell me everything.
I very much enjoy your stand-up act.
Your life experiences matter so much.
What about my act? Have you heard the new political bit I do? Every girl has a friend named Erica, and if you ain't got a friend named Erica, then you the friend Erica.
Well, I don't have one, so I guess I'm Erica.
Oh, wow.
You two are destined for stardom.
Thank you.
You know, Jane, I never tell this to anybody, but I think I could be the next Johnny Carson but also do movies.
Ew, what? John, you'll be lucky if you're Carson Daly and you go to the movies.
Jane Bouvier Monroe, we have a lot more work to do.
Posture.
Bust out.
Eyes dead.
Monroe, Mulaney, Motif residence.
He did what? He called your son a hot dog? Andre's crying in the bath right now? John Bouvier Mulaney, I expected more from you.
Welcome to Celebrity You Guessed It's roast to Lou Cannon with special guests the Rock, Jason Priestley, Slash, and a polite text message from Tom Hanks.
And now, Lou Cannon! Hey, yo! Thank you! Oh, come on! Wow, way to kick it off, Ron Jeremy.
Now I've been roasted and Shaq'd.
Love you, big guy.
Jason Priestley, everybody.
From 90210 to "I owe you one, bro.
" We'll be back You're gonna kill this, baby boy.
So you don't think it's too mean to make a joke about Lou's parents? No! They ain't watching.
They dead.
Remember, hot dog.
Steak.
Hell, yeah.
My next guest is not a big name yet, but he's a big star in my heart, and I thought it would be fun to have him up here.
My protege, John Mulaney.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, Lou Cannon is so old that That did not go well.
How dare you talk to me this way? You think I'm old? Would an old man wear this much makeup? I'm sure he'll get over it.
I will never get over this.
Ever! Damn.
Ron Jeremy is walking off in disgust.
You must have really crossed a line.
How do you cross that line? Oh, no, another text from Lou that he thought was a tweet.
"Why do bffs have to be so mean? "#Mean, # Twitter.
" Wow.
- Slash has looked the same forever.
- Hey I thought you said that Lou wasn't gonna get offended.
I know, man.
Doesn't make sense.
Wait.
Oh, I think I know what happened.
We assumed you were lower status because you're a nobody with no credits and an awkward persona.
I don't think we said all that.
But when it comes to age, you're higher status.
Your whole career is in front of you.
Oh, you're right.
I may be a hot dog, but I'm a young hot dog.
And Lou is a steak, but, you know, he might be a steak who's afraid that his best days are behind him.
Unless he has a big food resurgence like Brussels Sprouts, aka Betty White.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Hi, Jane.
My date with price is tonight.
And she's finally a lady.
Oh, thanks, Oscar.
Bang my ass on a bus I am screwed.
What's wrong? Price is taking me to a movie.
I'm gonna fall asleep.
You guys, it's a three-hour documentary about the Zufu Rebels of Zaire.
Nothing makes me more tired than hopeless regions.
- You know that.
- Hey, don't panic.
Just tell him you don't want to go to the movie.
John, I can't do that.
I want to show him I care about his interests.
You guys, I can't be single anymore.
Everything happens over text, - and I don't spell well.
- Okay, relax, relax.
You want to stay awake and focus on the movie? Andre's having a sale on study pills.
What if you took one? Study pills? Doesn't sound very ladylike.
Not true.
Ladies of the '50s always took pills.
My mother vacuumed the house in high heels.
She was high out of her mind.
I'll text him.
"Hey, Andre, Jane needs" Jane needs what? Study pills.
Oh, yeah.
Here you go, man.
Did you run all the over to our apartment? Oh, no.
I was just listening outside the door.
All right.
I'm going for it.
See you guys at the wedding chapel.
Hey, Oscar, maybe you can help me.
I thought I could make fun of my boss because, you know, he's higher status, but it totally backfired.
I know exactly what you mean.
It's like when I thought I was the Knish and Horace Lipowitz was the Matzo Ball.
So now I'm a Matzo Ball? Great.
John, it's very simple.
You just need to reset the balance of power.
You need to make a gesture to your boss to show him that you know your place.
Thanks, Oscar.
That's a good idea.
Man, life was so much better in the '50s.
No, it wasn't.
What are you doing here? I thought this was the address for the Rub and Tug Psychic.
You're the last person I want to see.
Look, I had Donna lie to you and tell you that this was the Rub and Tug Psychic because I needed you to show up.
Lou, I want to show you that I know my place, and I really look up to you.
In fact, I got you this gift.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You live here? Yeah.
But this is the basement, right? Where you store all your trash? Kind of, except it's our living room, and we just had it cleaned.
Oh, my God, you're poor.
Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
You're right.
It's fine.
I mean, it's you're young and hungry.
You know, you're 19 years old, for God's sake.
Well, I'm, you know, 29.
What? You're 29? And you live here? With two roommates? Look at this sewer.
You live like a Ninja Turtle.
And all you've ever done is write for me.
I mean, when Bobby Kennedy was 32, he was Attorney General of the United States.
When you're 32, you won't even own an espresso.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, sounds like you've regained your higher status.
Oh, my God, yes.
You see why you shouldn't be offended by me, Lou? Oh, I'd be a fool to be offended by someone like you.
Oh, my goodness.
- I feel good.
- Well, good.
But just as a token of my apology, I got you this gift.
There's nothing in it.
What, you were expecting traveler's checks? Oh, remind me later to tell you how to do that line.
So give me the tour.
- No, I don't want it.
- Oh, come on.
All right.
This is our kitchen, where we The fact that you even call it a kitchen How was the date? I crapped my tights.
Oh, dear.
Oh, right.
You know, sometimes study pills can give you diarrhea.
Oh, well, it would have been nice to know that, John.
I just spent the last week memorizing what fork to use.
Come date night, and I'm sneaking out of the movie theater with a beach towel tied around my ass.
Yo, I hate this conversation.
It isn't very ladylike.
You know what, Oscar? I don't need to change who I am to get a guy to like me.
And if you don't like me making a joke that I have male genitals, which is hilarious, then maybe we shouldn't date in the first place.
Look, there'll be a point in your life when you can be rude and crap your tights.
It's called being 70.
So right now, why don't you just try a little? All of you.
Thanks, Oscar.
You're welcome.
My pleasure to be welcomed.
Back to our 2:00 A.
M.
showing of French Toast.
And for the monsieur, escargot.
Yummy.
What's that mean? It means "snails.
" What did I miss? Everything.
Why is that lady topless? She's the one that stole the You know what, it doesn't make sense.
Go back to sleep.
Careful, monsieur.
Zis plate is very hot.
Uh, I'll be the judge of that.
Ow! Oh! Ah.
Why didn't I order French Toast? Careful, monsieur.
Zis plate is very hot.
Oh, I'll be the judge of that.
Ah! Oh! Ah! Aah! I need some French Toast.