Mulligan (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Hey, it's the Zhao NewsCycle
with me, Vance Barry,
a retiree with an interest
in his community.
What's in the funnies, Mr. Barry?
Family Circus is a real weird one.
Granddad's a ghost,
and he's watching Mom give Jeffy a bath.
But the big story today is
how come the world smells so bad now?
I call it "the stench," mister.
Said Grimes.
She's called that because she's grimy.
Why else would someone be called that?
And now the weather.
It's about to get stinky!
Rumb! Eeda Staaang!
Flap harder! You're a bird, right?
I dunno whaiam!
Well, an emergency cabinet meeting.
I haven't been to one of these
since W wanted to show us
how many pretzels
he could fit in his mouth.
Is the emergency about how statistically,
two people here
are wearing the wrong-sized shoe?
Yeah, I didn't call this meeting.
Lucy did.
Huh.
Guys, we gotta do something
about the stench.
People hate it, especially that guy, Joel,
'cause the aliens gave him dog nostrils.
You'll have to speak up!
I'm covering my dog nostrils
with my ear hands!
I said, "I'm sorry that your hands
are now ears!"
What? Ah, my ear! Ah, the smell!
The stench is pollution,
and pollution is bad.
Remember oil spills?
Pelicans would get so sticky.
You don't even know.
Oil spills are part of a natural cycle.
Without them, we'd be
positively overrun with pelicans.
Just gobbling up all the babies
that the storks drop off.
Be that as it may,
we have an opportunity here
to think about clean energy sources,
like wind.
Oh, really? Wind?
The thing that brings the stench here.
The very thing the First Lady's
trying to eradi-micate.
Why can't you support other women?
You already played that card.
Oh, you are, like, obsessed with me.
Look, this is important.
People are suffering.
I don't know, Luce.
Is it really our biggest problem?
'Cause I'm starting to think I'm one
of the people with the wrong shoes on.
Let's take a look.
I got my Brannock Device right here.
You know, I'm pleased as punch
our First Lady has taken an interest
in the issues of the day.
You mean, besides redecorating?
Miss Suwan, I've learned my lesson.
You are no wilting flower,
and it's high time
you found your calling as a First Lady.
Well, you know, I do like a cause
And you can't think small.
Just look at Nancy Reagan's
"Just Say No" campaign.
Oh my gosh.
I forgot people used to be called Nancy.
And Angelica Van Buren
tried to solve the Italian problem,
as did Laura Bush.
And Lucy Suwan will quench the stench!
Thank you, Mr. LaMarr.
In before times,
whenever there was a hurricane
or cancer or a 9/11,
they'd do a big celebrity concert.
Maybe I could do one of those.
But are there any celeb
A capital idea, Miss Suwan.
Too perfect for words.
Hold up. How come Lucy
gets to hang out with the famous people?
If there's a big important thing to do,
shouldn't the president do it?
Be patient, sir.
You and I have other fish to fry.
Literally, or, um, the other thing?
'Cause when you said I was gonna eat crow,
and then I didn't
I'm gonna go find some celebrities.
The census said Andy Dick
is living under the Key Bridge.
Well, I believe that was the 2020 census.
But maybe he's still there.
Good meeting, everyone.
Right in the throat!
Hey, Axie, you going somewhere?
If I'm going to be stuck on this planet,
I suppose I should get to know it
and its meat-filled inhabitants.
I found a guidebook in the gift shop.
Do you think Madame Tussauds
is still open?
Yeah, but the Baywatch cast
all melted together.
It's still hot. It's just different.
Tippity-top of the morning, Farrah.
Well, I was just
at the most useless meeting in history.
Move over the Munich Agreement.
And where the hell were you?
Getting my steps in.
I wasn't expecting
to have to work on Sunday.
Sunday? Professor, it's Monday. Right?
Well
I don't think so.
But, I mean, the days do blend together.
It's like, "Wake up, try to find
a safe place to poop, yada yada yada."
Ugh, I hate that guy.
Yada yada yada!
- I don't know what you want!
- Yada!
But do we really not know the date?
Oh right, this doesn't work.
Now my pocket feels weird.
This is preposterous.
Look, it's Sunday,
and I'm going to prove it.
Not if I prove it's Monday first.
Using actual science,
not just cute little stories
about the past.
Oh, it is on.
This is like Step Up 2: The Streets,
except we compete with our minds
rather than our teenage dance bodies.
See you on the brain floor, doctor.
Excuse me.
Do you know if any celebrities live here?
Well, there's a lady
who knows how to make fire.
She's kind of a big deal.
Yeah. Uh, it's just I'm trying to do
a big benefit concert for the stench.
Oh, that's a great idea.
I mean, celebrity singing is so powerful.
Remember that "Fight Song" video
for Hillary Clinton?
That video convinced me
not to vote for her.
Are you really doing a benefit
for the stench, Mrs. Hair Lady?
Yeah, it's, like, my cause.
Because of the stench,
we can't see the stars at night,
and it's making the birds fly way too low.
Ouch-a ma facce.
I guess that's why
it's "duck, duck" and then "goose."
Even Fabia has to laugh.
Look, I just wanna help.
So if anyone out there
knows any alive celebrities
Did someone say "huge celebrities"?
Questlove and Weird Al?
Not anymore.
The world has gotten
a little too weird, even for me.
I'm just Alfred Yankovic now.
I was at the Kennedy Center Honors
when the attack happened.
And I was in town
for a friend's bar mitzvah.
We survived by doing stuff to the aliens.
I think it was sex?
Anyway, we'd love to help
'cause the stench stinks.
This is no time for jokes, Questlove.
Just let us know what you need,
especially if it's drumming.
Absolutely, but I won't do parody songs.
I'll only play polka.
You're killing me, Yankovic.
It does not look like the pictures.
'Cause of you!
Go back to Uranus!
Oh very clever.
Well, the joke is on you
because I don't have an anus.
- I have ten.
- Get out of here, freak!
Would that I could.
I am stuck here, and we all have to
Ow, my ani!
Damn it.
One of these things
has gotta open a secret passageway.
The big story today is the First Lady's
new Quench the Stench initiative.
People love it, and they love her.
A poll of me, Vance Barry,
thought she was nice to him.
You're listening to Zhao News.
"The future is Zhao."
Don't forget to like
and follow us on scooters.
In other Lucy news, she's doing a concert.
But what about the president, right?
What did he do today?
I don't know. What is the president doing?
Looks like he's just standing there,
being a thirsty little bitch.
Seriously?
You wouldn't even be here to ignore me
if it wasn't for me.
Remember, I saved Earth?
That was like a week ago.
This is the news, man, not the olds.
Hey, Zhao, get back to work.
Sunday's my day off, sir.
But isn't today Thursday?
At my house, every day is Taco Tuesday,
'cause I'm living in a Chipotle.
I told you I should be doing the stench.
Everybody's talking about Lucy,
and all I'm doing
is not finding secret passageways!
Ooh!
Come on, open something.
Directamente in the facce.
Sorry, Fabia.
And I told you we had bigger fish to fry.
I don't even like fish
unless there's so much ketchup.
Mr. President, I'm not about to leave you
dangling in the wind
like Mama's dainties upon a clothesline.
Neighborhood boys
peeking over the fence in mute wonder
at all the straps and snaps and lace.
I do have a plan.
You know what God does
when you make a plan?
He makes an ass out of you and me.
I wanted to surprise you with this,
but let's take a little stroll.
A stroll?
It's just like a fancy walk, right?
Yeah, I can do that.
Well, that's more of a strut, sir.
Okay, now you're sashaying.
Just walk normal.
- Well, now I can't.
- You're overthinking it.
I never thought I'd see
Dr. Farrah Braun in a library.
You're on my turf now,
like Chase in Andie's ballet class.
Is that Step Up 2 again?
No, I don't care. But good luck finding
today's date in a history book.
Oh right, I forgot,
science always makes everything better.
Thanks so much for nuclear weapons,
super muscular old guys, and Frankenstein.
Frankenstein's monster?
Frankenstein's monster!
See you on the ice, professor.
If that's a sports reference,
you got the wrong guy.
Books, reading books ♪
Movies of the mind ♪
Words, for example ♪
"Elemental" and "supine" ♪
I wrote this song ♪
By reading a book ♪
A book about writing songs ♪
Books have stuff ♪
You wanna know ♪
Like how to sing higher and higher ♪
And higher ♪
Thank you, books ♪
Books! ♪
Okay. What am I looking at?
It's an oil field, sir.
Oh.
I do admit,
I may have jumped the gun a bit.
I jumped it like I was astride
my old show pony, Slippery Princess.
But I did this to help you, sir.
The sooner we get the grid back up,
the sooner your constituents
will be driving their cars
and microwaving
their precious Hot Pockets.
Hmm.
Where do you even find people
who know how to do oil digging?
Oh, one of the military's
more creative plans to defeat the aliens
was based on the film Armageddon.
But that movie's about
blowing up an asteroid.
And Space Jam is about basketball.
Mistakes were made.
But make no mistake, sir,
drilling for oil is no mistake.
But what about Lucy?
She, like, hates oil, 'cause pollution.
Sir, oil is natural.
It comes from dinosaur bones.
Why, gasoline is just Velociraptor juice.
That's awesome!
And don't you think Lucy will forgive you
when she's blow-drying her hair
with the bones of the creatures
that terrorized our caveman ancestors?
You'll be a hero again, Mr. President.
Okay, let's do a press conference.
Maybe I'll wheel out a Galaga machine
and be like,
"This is useless. Let's break it."
And then be like,
"Oh wait!"
And then I play Galaga all night,
and everyone's, like, going nuts.
A splendid idea.
And we could do that in just a few months.
Months? Oh my God.
Rome was not built in a day, sir.
I actually went to Rome once,
and it didn't appear
to have been built at all. Just a mess.
Lucy's hanging out with Weird Al
and a twelfth of The Roots?
Where, I say, where are you going?
I wanna thank our performers
Questlove, Alfred Yankovic,
and our Frank Caliendo impersonator,
Joey Montecito.
I'm Frank Caliendo.
And your president of these United States,
Matthew Mulligan!
What are you doing here?
Luce, you're gonna wanna
go to the hat store, get a hat,
then come back here and hold on to it.
You know I can't do that.
The Gallery Place Lids is full of wolves.
You know, a lot of people
talk about the stench
And play polka accordion at it.
but I'm gonna actually
do something about it.
That's right. The Mulligan administration
is gonna get rid of the stench forever.
Now that's what I call a home run.
Catchphrase.
Yeah!
We love you, Matty.
When do we get paid?
Greetings. I am a regular human
just like the rest of you humans.
- Yeah, you're not a regular person.
- Uh
Hey, guess what?
Bill Clinton is alive. I knew it.
And he's got gorilla hands.
I also knew it.
- Uh, I
- Oh God, no!
Don't worry.
- I am not an
- It's Bill Clinton! Run!
I am just trying
to get to know your race!
You used that line on me in '98, man.
I didn't realize ♪
That there would be more ♪
No book can help me now ♪
Oh wait, here's a book ♪
On scatting in rock songs ♪
Ooh! Ugh! Yeow! ♪
Eureka.
Now the song is over ♪
Thank you, books! ♪
The following is a paid ad.
Come see Joey Montecito
tonight at The Comedy Cellar.
Now even deeper underground.
Now back to the news.
Earlier today, the White House said
they'd fix the stench,
but hours later, they haven't.
What gives? The people want answers.
Yeah, what gives?
It still smells like butt out here, sir.
Can I get that back actually?
That was a real nice rock.
- Yeah!
- How is everyone already mad at me?
Because you made a promise,
and promises are political suicide.
Look at George Bush's "no new taxes,"
or Millard Fillmore's
"end to the Italian problem."
The Italians just walked back from Alaska
like nothing had happened.
What were you even doing at Stench Aid?
Mr. LaMarr said the stench was my thing.
Well, I can't wait that long for oil.
He's digging for oil.
- You're a mooncalf, sir.
- What?
A mooncalf, I say.
So, hey, we all screwed up.
When did I screw up?
Maybe when Eve ate that apple?
But if we just fix the stench,
all is forgiven, right?
The whole point is that the stench
is a problem that cannot be fixed.
"Well, the world got blowed up."
"I wonder whatever
could be smelling so bad?"
Everything.
Wait, why would you give me
an unsolvable problem in the first place?
You said it was perfect.
Because it's unsolvable.
I was trying, yet again,
to get you out of my hair,
out of the president's ear,
and off organizing
pointless benefit concerts.
There's no money. What were you raising?
I don't know. And I knew it.
You just wanted me out of the way
so I didn't mess with your little plans.
Okay, dude, if you're so smart,
then what are we supposed to do now?
Who's "we," Mr. President?
I want nothing to do
with this here silo fire.
Y'all are on your lonesomes.
Fine. You know what? We don't need you.
Me and Lucy'll figure out how to fix it.
Yeah.
- You suck, Mulligan!
- Yeah, at sucking, Grimes!
I know it's Monday,
and the proof is right
Ugh.
Stupid stench.
Not again!
- I've been expecting you.
- What the hell are you doing here?
Did you look at my notes?
Hardly.
My anus!
No, Farrah,
I'm here because of this.
"The Diary of George Washington."
"If found,
please return to one of my slaves
for a large cash reward."
Okay, that's irony, right?
"1797."
"I was lying in a field
after smoking some of Jefferson's hashish
when I saw a flash of light
streak across the night sky."
"I really have to stop
getting high so much."
But he wasn't seeing things.
It was a comet.
Hmm. Washington's Comet,
which only appears every 25 years.
Exactly. And in 1997,
the comet was recorded
in Bill Clinton's diary
on the same night
Catherine Bell's character on JAG
"fought a guy on a boat
and got real sweaty."
And this year, the comet will be visible
on the evening of Monday, April 11th.
Which is, of course, tonight.
No, doctor, tonight is Sunday.
So the comet won't appear until tomorrow.
Check for yourself. Because I can't
figure out how to work that thing.
Um, the sky is up, professor.
It was like that when I got here.
Son of a bitch.
So according to a scientist,
my oil field is what's causing the stench.
Why, that's richer
than my mama's flizza-flamma pie.
That's not a real thing. I'm dog tired.
This city is built on a swamp, sir.
It's a terrible location.
But thanks to a compromise
with the Southern slave states
Oh come on. Is everything
always gonna be about that?
And not just any swamp. A pluff miasma
full of trapped sulfur gas
from decomposed marine life.
Your drilling is releasing
millennia of noxious fumes.
Oh, good dear sweet Lord and his little
blond baby son, make it stop.
Yeah, I'm afraid it's too late for that.
Listen, buddy, you did this,
and when that thing pops,
you're gonna be in a world of Ugh!
- O Satan, take this away!
- Oh God!
- It's in my eyes!
- I give myself to you, Satan!
I also swear allegiance
to you, Lord Satan!
The stench is your fault?
Well, sir,
it's your vice president's fault,
and your First Lady's pet project.
So when that big bubble pops,
ain't none of us gonna be clean.
Meemaw's gonna have to hose us off
in the yard.
I told you oil was bad.
Well, you should have shown me.
I'm a visual learner!
Look, there may still be a way
for us to wriggle out of this fix.
Eh, you all know what a hog lagoon is?
Well then, if I may,
allow me to educate you through song.
Hog lagoon, oh hog lagoon ♪
A harvest moon, and my Betty June ♪
Oh hog lagoon, yes, hog lagoon ♪
I'll be home soon, sweet Betty June ♪
Yeehaw! ♪
Hog lagoon, oh hog lagoon ♪
Just play this tune
I'll come to you ♪
I'm sorry, is this song
ever gonna tell us what a hog lagoon is?
Not until the later verses.
Now where was I?
Well, at the stroke of noon
I'll be your groom, my Betty June ♪
God! What is a hog lagoon?
It is a large pit
that a pig farmer's obliged to dig
in order to contain the,
pardon my French, Miss Suwan,
waste that is produced by his pigs.
Now, eventually all that methane
reaches a sort of critical mass
and, well, explodes
much like our little bubble here will.
How the hell does that help us?
Well, because folks what live around
hog lagoons don't mind it a lick.
See, they've come to appreciate the fact
those explosions mean a thriving pig farm.
And a thriving pig farm means more jobs,
and more jobs means new, uh,
shovels maybe? Or
I don't know what those people do.
So we're supposed to make
everyone think the stench is good?
Seriously?
But you said that giant bubble
was, and I quote,
"fixing to pop, but good, soo-wee!"
Then we've got no time to waste.
We gotta spin this thing and tout suite.
Thankfully, I've got a notion as to how.
Reading? Dude, I'm a tactile learner.
Where are you going, fellow humans?
Boy, the penis I have sure hurts
just dangling there externally.
Yeah, we know, Clinton. Creep.
We're heading to the big stench party.
Hope they're finally
gonna do something about that smell.
Smell?
I mean, yes, my man nose senses it. Awful.
Or good?
Hot maybe?
Cowabunga!
Oh, whom am I kidding?
I could never feel at home here.
What are you doing, jackass?
Talking to all your friends?
On Cardi-B, talking to oneself
is considered very cool.
Oh, okay.
Welcome to Stench Fest, everybody!
Hey, Lucy, speaking of the stench,
I heard you learned
a lot about the stench?
I've learned a lot about the stench,
and the more I learned,
the more I realized how wrong I was
to wanna get rid of the stench.
What's up, Cartwright?
With the press you've been getting,
I was wondering when my phone would ring.
Do you actually have a phone?
No, my pocket feels weird.
Johnny, you know how I respect
the NewsCycle's editorial integrity
Ooh, the foreplay begins.
I hate it. Skip to the baby-making.
Well, if I may, I'd like to suggest
a new angle
on your coverage of the stench.
Oh, LaMarr, you shouldn't have.
You know,
I'm usually the guy giving the bribe.
This is a nice change of pace.
I'm glad you're my friend.
When George Washington first came here,
he said it smelled like
"all the turds in hell,
given life and commanded
by the devil himself
to fill my nose and mouth
with the spirits of the turds
they once were on Earth."
That's right.
This is the smell
that George Washington and Paul Bunyan
and, you know, all the other ones smelled.
And if it was good enough for those guys,
guys who wrote all that stuff
and did all of those things,
then it's good enough for me.
Editorial! The stench is good now.
Check out how loud I am!
New study reveals stench is history!
No one is louder than me!
You know, I trust the NewsCycle.
It gives us the facts,
but we make up our minds.
I like the stench.
So if we get rid of the stench,
we are getting rid of history.
Me, I like preserving history
so we remember it.
Otherwise, we forget it,
and then it's history.
So  yes, the stench smells.
But no stench at all?
That stinks.
- Hey, that was my joke.
- Well, hot dog.
Maybe someday somebody
will write a song about this.
You don't have to ask me once.
Not now, Alfred.
Wait, is that
It's the comet! I was right!
Wow. Well done, professor.
But should we be able to see it
during the day?
No, it must be hitting our atmosphere.
But what altered its
Oh right, the moon is pretty jacked up.
Should we maybe scream and run?
No, it'll break up
before it gets anywhere near us.
Hmm?
Oh, rat farts.
I love the stench.
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. What are you doing?
You had your chance, pal.
And in what world is now the moment?
I don't know!
I went to all-boys schools
through college.
And then you and I had
our Chase and Andie Step Up thing
One of us had a Step Up thing.
And I had
the sexual thrill of being right.
I'm covered in liquid
prehistoric crab, Simon.
Good Lord!
Sorry I, um, pooched your big thing,
even though it was actually
just LaMarr yanking your chain.
You still shouldn't have pooched it.
Pooching is wrong.
You're lucky things turned out so good.
Ah!
Oh my God, it's in my eyes!
Damn you, George Washington!
Could this actually be
sulfurous pluff?
Earth has sulfurous pluff!
Oh, it tastes just like
flizza-flamma pie back home.
Maybe Earth's not all bad.
Breaking news!
Bill Clinton eats this stuff, I guess.
Editorial. You're gross, man.
- I'm back again ♪
- Back again ♪
To end this whole thing ♪
'Cause songs are just great ways
To end stuff ♪
- Thank you, books ♪
- Thank you, books ♪
- Thank you, books ♪
- Thank you, books ♪
Thank you, books ♪
Yow! ♪
A polka, a polka
I wanna hear a polka ♪
Played by a real loud band ♪
A polka, a polka
I wanna dance a polka ♪
And give the band a hand ♪
A-skippin, a-hopping
I have no time for stopping ♪
Let all the others rest ♪
Of all the polkas ♪
The One-Note Polka
Is the one that I love best ♪
I love that One-Note Polka ♪
Give me that One-Note Polka ♪
I'm bouncing like a rubber ball ♪
Of all the polkas written
This polka has me smitten ♪
The One-Note Polka that's all! ♪