Mum (2016) s03e03 Episode Script


THROUGH WALL: - Babe? I've got your lunch.
- Coming! - Where are you, babe? - Living room.
Oh, thanks, babe.
Mum? You had your lunch? Cathy? Do you want to eat with us? - I'll go check.
- No, you stay here, babe.
No, it's OK.
I'll just pop my head in.
Shall I cut you up an apple, babe? No, don't worry.
I can just eat it how it is.
Oh, babe, you're so thoughtful.
It's just who I am.
- She wasn't in there.
- You checked upstairs? Mum? Where are you? Cathy? You upstairs? Mum?! You need to move your car.
Kumar's got the Lexus so I've got to use the Porsche.
- Hate it when that happens.
- Oh, what a bore! No worries, I'll go and get everyone to move.
Livi needs her jodhpurs.
Got to run them up to the school.
- Oh, no.
- Madness.
You'd think she was president of the FEI.
- I don't get it.
- Nor do I.
Just laugh.
Laugh like we do at the theatre.
EXAGGERATED LAUGHTER The owner's just popped round and she needs us to move our cars.
I've got to move the car.
But we're playing chess.
You know how to play chess, Cathy? Uh, not really, no.
I want your horse.
There's got to be more to it than this.
And of course, I get Livi a new pair of jodhpurs, Archie wants a new pair too.
The perils of owning a horse.
Do you have a horse? Uh, no.
- Well, don't.
- Honestly, I know it seems like a good idea, - but it's really not worth the hassle.
- Oh, OK.
Well, in that case, I definitely won't buy a horse.
That's for umbrellas.
Use the hooks.
Do you need me to reverse the car for you, darling? I'm a woman, Derek, it's not a disability.
What we doing? I've just got to move the car, love.
- Your mum has to move her car.
- Coming! It's OK.
I can reverse a car.
You sure you don't want me to do it? Or grandad? Or Uncle Derek? Pretty sure.
Yeah? - What? - You called me.
Come on, I'm in the middle of something.
I didn't call you, love.
Very good.
Very good.
- You bastards.
Sorry, Pauline.
I love you.
She's got a horse.
The owner.
- You did well with that bag.
- Och, it's just a bag.
Get over it.
She asked if I've ever owned a horse.
And have you? Can Jason see us? I don't know.
- Turn the wheel to the right, babe.
- Thank you, Derek.
I know what I'm doing.
- Wipers are on, babe.
- Thanks! MUTTERS: I know the wipers are on you fucking Just turn the wheel to the right and feel it.
OK, Derek.
Feel it, babe, that's all.
Just turn the wheel to the right.
The more you tell me to turn the wheel to the right the less I'm going to do it! Turn the wheel to the left.
So, where are we walking to? I don't think we're headed anywhere in particular.
You know, we're just going for a walk, see the countryside.
- Oh.
- No, I don't think you're listening, mum.
She's asking where we're walking to.
Well, yeah, I know.
Well, we're just walking.
Just going for a walk.
Let's take this a bit more slowly for you.
I think what we mean is, Cathy, - when we go on this walk, we start here.
- Yeah.
- And then we go on the actual walk.
- Yeah.
But where do we plan to then end up at? At the end of the walk? When the walk's finished? Well, I suppose we'll be coming back here.
- When we're - They're going for a walk.
I said this would happen.
They'll be traipsing through mud.
Mud! They'll be traipsing through mud.
Complaining about the nettles.
I'd forgotten about the fucking nettles.
Can someone get a dock leaf? I've fell in some nettles.
- Fuck off.
- Mm.
- All the cow shit.
- Eh? Cow shit! Everywhere.
Why can't they all go in one corner of the field? - That's what I'd do - And the rabbits are at it.
- rather than standing round in it.
- They'll never stop.
Shitting and fucking.
That's the life of a rabbit.
Shitting and fucking all day long.
- Doesn't sound too bad.
- I was going to say, sounds all right, don't it, eh? - How long does it take to leave a house? - Oh, I know.
- Who we waiting for now? - Um me, I think.
Oh, right.
That's awkward.
I, um Just going to pop these in the fridge.
You caught me.
There's nothing more sexy than a woman eating a gherkin.
There's websites dedicated to it.
My fingers are going to stink all afternoon.
I always end up trailing at the back, on a walk.
- You do surprise me.
- I know.
You'd think I'd be so fast with these big, long legs.
Why don't you trail behind, with me? You know, it's funny you should bring this up, because I don't know if you know this but I've actually won several international awards for walking slowly.
- Have you? - You'd be amazed how slowly I can walk.
I used to teach snails to linger.
- Show me.
- You want to watch a man walk slowly? Yeah, but you'll do.
- Funny.
- Thanks.
- Original.
- Yeah.
It's only the 1000 millionth time anyone's made that joke.
All right.
- Be prepared, because - You ready to go? Ah, uh, yeah, just going to change my cardigan.
It's a lovely hill I saw on the drive down.
Might be some great views from up there.
Um no.
Don't think so.
Looking forward to getting out.
Yeah, me too.
I'm just going to pop upstairs and change this for a jumper.
Oh, and to think I thought you were dull.
It's just difficult talking to someone of her generation.
I'm not being rude about your mum, cos you know I love her to bits, but her brain just works at a different pace.
- It's like an old iPhone.
- She's exactly like an old iPhone! And maybe one where the screens cracked.
I think that's fair to say.
We've got to remember, she spent most of her life without the Internet.
It's amazing what some people live through.
It's humbling.
No, I love England in the spring.
The flowers, the air I'll have another one.
No, no, I'm not making tea.
You two shouldn't be using these crockeries.
- Oh, go on, I'll have one as well.
- Do a pot.
- No, no, I'm not making tea.
- You got any cakes? Oh, don't get me a cake, Jesus.
She can get me a cake.
I don't want a bloody cake.
No, I'm not getting on a cake.
Really looking forward to this walk.
- Ah, quick, help! - HE CRIES OUT.
HE LAUGHS Ah, not really.
Not with this on.
Oh, nice.
Feel it then.
Oh, yeah.
- Soft? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Really soft.
Ceiling's low, isn't it? Yeah.
Or the floor's high.
Well, I'm looking forward to this walk.
Oh, me too, yeah.
I love walking.
I walk literally everywhere in the flat.
I was thinking, I might take it slowly on the walk.
Trail along at the back.
So, if you and Jason need to speed on ahead, or No.
It's fine.
No, I don't want us oldies holding you back, you and Jason speed on ahead and me and Michael can crawl along at the back.
- Oh.
- What? - I'll see what I can do.
- Sorry, that was really loud in my ear.
But I was whispering.
I used to love these.
Then when I was a teenager, I sort of tried to burn them down.
Which was tricky.
Because a lot of them are made out of metal.
It's not going to happen.
So fucking useless.
Come on, they built these things for kids with little arms and legs, so What are you saying about my arms and legs? Nothing.
- Are we going to go on this walk? - Yeah.
If I can walk with these massive arms and legs.
I didn't say you had big arms and legs.
You didn't have to, mate.
You coming on the walk, then? I thought I might, yeah.
Yeah, I'll probably trail along at the back.
You know me.
Bit useless.
Because that's what my mum does on walks.
- Derek! - Yes, coming, my sweetheart.
Just got to get my special water bottle.
Sorry, my petal.
It's got an in-built purification system.
HE CHUCKLES Sorry, Pauline.
I'm coming.
- DISTANT: - I love you.
I love you so much.
She's a widow, mate.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
My dad would be so disappointed in you.
How nice to see you.
I've got my scarf.
Ready to go.
- Great.
I think I'm ready too.
- Excellent.
Oh, hello, Jason.
I'm ready now.
- Just been upstairs and got my scarf.
- Great.
Yes, I'm just saying, Reg.
I've got my scarf.
It's lovely and warm in this scarf.
Probably too warm if anything in this scarf.
It's real fur.
What animal? Fox.
Can I.
? Please.
Cunning creatures.
Obviously not cunning enough.
THEY CHUCKLE Yeah, it's got an in-built purification system.
It's the latest technology.
It's from Sweden, or Switzerland, or one of them.
It's a nice finish.
Yeah, well, it's top-of-the-range.
That's basically an unbelievable water bottle.
Thanks, Kelly.
Do you want to see my water bottle? - Have we got time? - Yeah, I've got to get it anyway.
Oh, great.
- Hi, Michael.
- OK, why not? Hey.
We've just been comparing water bottles.
- Oh, great.
- Yeah.
I'm having a really nice time.
Mine hasn't got an in-built purification system - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Feels good in the hand.
Does it fit in a pocket? No, unfortunately.
- Well, it doesn't need to.
- No.
Maybe if I was wearing a winter coat, but What's that? Just saying my water bottle only fits in my winter coat.
Who carries water around in the winter? It's frustrating.
It really is.
Do you want to get a photo with our water bottles? Yeah.
OK, then.
Here we are.
Right, then.
Bring it up a bit.
Bit more.
Bit more, Derek.
- Lovely.
- Let's have a look.
- Oh, nice.
- Let's have a look.
THEY LAUGH Look at Jason.
- Will you send me it? - Yeah, of course.
That is a nice one.
Look at Jason.
It's a nice one of you.
Well, shame about my arms and legs.
What's wrong with your arms and legs? Well, they're massive.
What are you talking about? You've got lovely arms and legs.
It's an amazing picture.
Thanks, Kelly.
Friends for life.
So, I've left the Porsche at the service entrance to keep it out of your way.
- Oh, how fantastic.
- Thanks.
Back to the Lexus now after driving the Porsche.
There's nothing worse than getting back in a Lexus once you've been driving a Porsche.
- I mean - What about genocide? Sorry? Nothing.
Genocide? Genocide.
It doesn't matter.
You said there's nothing worse than getting in a Lexus once you've been driving a Porsche.
I said, "What about genocide?" It was inappropriate, so - Bye, then.
- Bye.
Have a lovely afternoon.
I think it's probably best not to - not to bring up genocide - Thank you, Cathy.
What's this about genocide? There you are.
I think we might finally be ready to leave.
I think I might be a bit hot in this actually.
I'm going to go for a drive.
Oh, OK.
And I've got lots of bits of work to catch up on, and anyway, Jason will probably only try and throw me off the top - of a hill - Don't joke about it.
Er, yeah, no.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I make silly jokes when I get nervous.
What's Jason said to you? So much easier just being friends.
Well, in terms of respecting Jason Yeah, well, we don't want him seeing us together and thinking we're being disrespectful.
Well, no, not disrespectful, but We don't want us feeling bad.
Well, no, not bad Ashamed.
Well, no, not ashamed.
But Yeah.
- Well, I might just go for a drive and - Yeah.
clear my head.
- Just need to get out of here.
- Yeah.
SHE SIGHS I was just asking how you were.
Why? None of your business how I am.
I'm just going to go for a drive, so MAUREEN GROANS See you later.
Can you believe the owner? Can you believe she told you where to put your bag? What a bitch.
- Yeah, well - Come on, let's go.
- Where's Michael? - Shall we wait for Michael? Nah.
How did you stay so calm when she was just mocking you to your face? Well, I sort of found from dealing with my mum that if someone's mean, or rude, or insensitive, or if they spend all their time boasting, putting people down It's just their way of coping with how sad they are.
Interesting theory.
Mum, it's this way.
I'm going to go for a drive, so DISTANT: I'll have a tea.
I'm not making another tea.
- Can I have a tea? - You've had enough tea.
I'm thirsty.
I'm not making you another tea.
Ask Michael to make you a tea.
I'm not asking Michael for a cup of tea.
- Just ask him.
- I'm not asking Michael.
Oh, my God, Cathy.
The Sainsbury's WhatsApp group is basically going berserk.
Is it? THEY GIGGLE So, Rosa discounted the fish at 10am