Murphy Brown s01e17 Episode Script

My Dinner with Einstein

Come on, Dave, you can't drop out now.
We're not gonna have enough guys for a game.
Well, how far apart are the contractions? I think she's just fat, Dave.
And looking for attention.
Dave? Morning, Frank.
Jim, my man.
I guess with Doris in L.
A it must be kind of lonesome rattling around that big house all by yourself.
Actually, I'm enjoying my time alone.
It's been a long time since I was a bachelor, and I intend to take advantage of it.
- Last night, I ate a sandwich in bed.
- You wild man.
Tonight, I'm making sloppy joes.
Then I'm going to pour myself a brandy, sit by the fire and read Mickey Spillane.
You're a newsman with a wife out of town.
A newsman doesn't sit home alone and read.
A newsman comes to my place for a poker game.
I told you.
I'm not going back to your house until you get a door for your bathroom.
Besides, I've been waiting a long time to read this book.
Please? How often do I ask you for a favor? Come on, it'd mean a lot to me.
Well, I suppose I could read the book tomorrow night.
Great.
Great.
Thanks a lot, Jim.
Oh, one more thing.
Could you bring cash this time? The guys hate checks.
Okay, which one of you clowns had his hand on my butt? Come on.
You think you're such hot stuff? Why don't you come out here and try it.
Somebody saw him do it.
Point him out.
Right.
Stick together, you gutless jellyfish.
Oh, no.
Forget it.
I'm sorry.
I told personnel, "No smokers.
" I know, I know.
But I'm quitting.
I promise.
This is my last one.
See? This desk smells like the back seat of an old cab.
It's disgusting.
I know, I know.
But this is it.
No more.
Come on, give me a break.
No one else in the building wants me.
But you were a smoker.
I figured you'd give me a chance.
Well, okay.
But if I see you light up, you're out of here.
Absolutely.
No problem.
Fair enough.
Look, I really appreciate this.
I'm putting this one out, see? This is my last cigarette, ever.
Somebody in personnel hates me.
- Morning, Frank.
- Hey, Murph.
Serious perfume.
What's the occasion? Heavy lunch date? A little afternoon rendezvous? It's just perfume, Frank.
Off of one of those sample cards from a magazine.
Someone's wearing Rive Gauche perfume and went a little overboard with the mousse this morning.
Who is he, Murphy? Tell me everything.
I don't have time for this.
I'm expecting my guest for next week's show.
- So if you'll both excuse me - Guest for next week's show, huh? - Who is he? - Dr.
Victor Rudman.
One of the most brilliant minds in the world today.
He's probably going to win the Nobel Prize in physics.
And I'll bet he's really, really cute too.
Isn't he, Murphy? I have no idea.
We've only talked on the phone.
- You put on perfume for a physicist? - What's your point, Frank? Oh, nothing.
It's just I guess I have a hard time seeing you with a guy who has a clip-on bow tie and a thousand pens in his shirt pocket.
- It's true, Murphy.
Just because you've entered that category known as "mature woman" doesn't mean you have to throw yourself at a dork.
Look, Victor Rudman may be a genius but there's no reason why he has to be a dork.
Murphy, I'm a little worried about this dork interview.
- I don't believe this.
- I'm having a hard time picturing it, Murphy.
A guy who probably wears his pants up under his armpits spends 20 minutes of my airtime lecturing about stuff we don't care about.
And the rest of the time he's got his finger up his nose.
What is it with you guys? We're talking about a man who's going to win the Nobel Prize.
- For what? - Fractals.
Self-similar, non-Euclidean geometrical objects which occur in nature.
Oh, boy, this one's a nose-picker for sure.
Victor Rudman is a modern-day Einstein.
We have to have him on the show.
I want to explore the mind of a genius.
I wanna know what makes him different from you and me.
- He doesn't use Kleenex.
- Will you get off it? I'm telling you, I spent time with him on the phone.
He's brilliant, eloquent and passionate about his work.
I'm really looking forward to meeting this guy.
Start picking out that china pattern.
- Excuse me.
- Hello.
I'm Murphy Brown.
- What a thrill it is to meet you.
- Well, gee, it's nice meeting you too.
I'm looking for the graphics department.
Do you know where that is? Yes.
Yes, I do.
It's one floor up.
Have a pleasant day.
You too.
What do I look like, an information booth? What's the matter? A little disappointed? Knock it off, Frank.
I'm just trying to do my job.
- Ms.
Brown? - Yes? I'm Victor Rudman.
Yes.
You are indeed.
And I'm Murphy Brown, but you probably knew that.
Dr.
Rudman, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to finally meet you.
Well, after all our phone conversations, I feel like I already know you.
Although, there's no substitute for meeting someone face to face.
No.
No, there isn't.
Let me introduce you to everybody.
This is, Miles Silverberg, Corky Sherwood, Frank Fontana.
Victor Dorkman.
Dorfman, Rudman! There's my office.
Let's go into it.
- Ready when you are.
- Right this way.
Come on, Jim.
I can read it all over you.
The wife's out of town, and you're lonely.
Look, it took some doing, but I managed to change my schedule.
I'm taking you out tomorrow night.
The two caballeros.
Miles I appreciate the invitation, but I already have plans.
I'm going to make a fire, pour myself a little brandy and read Mickey Spillane.
I wanna do this, Jim.
Because I care about you.
Not just as a producer, but as a friend.
You know, most people around here have a hard time thinking of me as their friend.
They don't realize how difficult being the boss can be.
People treat me differently.
They don't include me.
Sometimes I feel very alienated.
Well, since you've gone to all this trouble I guess could go out with you tomorrow.
- All right.
I got Laugh Factory tickets.
My favorite comedian will be there.
The one who smashes watermelons with a sledgehammer? Bring a raincoat.
So there we were, Carl Sagan and I, sitting at a table arguing about whether or not the universe is expanding.
And the check comes, and we can't figure 15 percent of $38.
26.
All I can say is, Victor, I wish I'd had a physics professor like you in college.
It's so useful for a person like me to know how to make stink bombs out of everyday items.
I toss them in the dean's office whenever I want more lab space.
I guess I better get to my conference.
If you have more questions, we can get together this evening.
Oh, I'm sure I have enough information for the interview.
Well, maybe we could just have dinner then.
- You mean a date? - Yes, a date.
I'm sorry, but I have a policy of not dating people I'm about to interview.
Of course.
You have to maintain your objectivity.
As a scientist, I can understand that.
- Well, I'll see you Wednesday, on the air.
- Looking forward to it.
- Wow, that was close.
- Quick thinking, Murph.
- What are you talking about? - The dating policy bit.
Perfect excuse.
It isn't an excuse.
It is my policy.
So he's no Mel Gibson.
But he's funny and interesting and has an incredible intellect.
A lot of women find that very attractive.
You know, the brain is a sexual organ.
Yeah, I always look forward to the swimsuit edition of Scientific American.
That's exactly what I'd expect of you.
You know, I'd like to think that women are capable of looking a little deeper.
She's absolutely right.
But in all good conscience, Murphy, I can't encourage you to do this.
I'd like to think the children would get your looks and his brains.
But what if you wind up with short-tempered kids who run like Jerry Lewis? I'm busy.
Hi.
I want you to place an overseas call to Stockholm and tell them I'd like some file footage of past Nobel Prize ceremonies.
Then I'd like you to arrange for the footage to be shipped to our editor.
Call Jerry and tell him to be on the lookout for it.
Then later this afternoon make a trip to the library and pull everything you can on fractals.
Then take that to my copywriter.
Tell her I wanna meet with her before the end of the day.
Got that? Oh, and one other thing: You're fired.
The important thing is to keep yourself open to everything, without judging or censoring.
You never know where inspiration will come from.
- Could you give me an example, Dr.
Rudman? - Sure.
A crap table in Atlantic City.
- You were inspired by a crap table? - Yes.
And the fact that I just lost $200.
Then I remembered a quote of Einstein's.
He said: "I don't believe that God plays dice with the universe.
" I decided to see if he was right.
I went to the lab and designed a graph to chart out random throws of dice.
What I found wasn't random at all, but a pattern.
Why not go back to Atlantic City and become a millionaire? Unfortunately, the pattern works for millions of throws, not for five or 10.
The point is, if you can find a pattern in the toss of dice you can find a pattern in other events that we think are random.
In the future, we will be able to predict hurricanes, tornadoes, traffic jams.
In the right combination, fractal equations can be a key to unlocking incredible mysteries.
The ability to find harmony and order in a chaotic world.
A definition of fractals, perhaps a definition of genius.
- Jim.
- Thank you, Murphy.
And thank you, Dr.
Rudman, for a fascinating visit.
This has been another edition of FYI.
Good night.
And we're clear.
- Victor, that was terrific.
- You made it incredibly easy.
Doc, I've gotta admit I was a little worried about this interview, but I enjoyed it.
- When you win the Nobel Prize, come back.
- Lf you do, ask for a limo.
I'd prefer to negotiate a date with you.
I thought now that the interview was over, I would try again.
Well.
- I'd love to go out with you, Victor.
- Great.
What about Saturday night? Gee, Saturday.
That's the American Film Museum's annual benefit dinner.
But as it turns out, I don't have a date yet.
Would you like to go with me? - Oh, well - Although, I understand if you don't want to.
It's one of those glitzy show business evenings.
They can get pretty silly.
Actually, this isn't a good idea.
Maybe we can plan something else.
Don't worry about me.
It sounds like fun.
- You're sure? - Absolutely.
I'll call you tomorrow you can tell me what time to pick you up.
Goodbye, everyone.
Well, there was this book I was planning to read Sure, I understand.
See, I told you.
He's a big star.
Why would he wanna go bowling with us? But the more I think about it, the more bowling sounds like a great idea.
Eldin, I need you! You know, that voice of yours cuts through this house like a buzz saw.
What if I had been up on a ladder? I could've been killed.
Would you just please help me on with this bracelet? I see we've brought out the heavy artillery.
You hoping to get lucky tonight? It's not that kind of a date, Eldin.
And, actually, that's something I wanted to talk to you about.
The man I'm going out with tonight is a little different from the other men I usually go out with.
So when he gets here, don't feel the need to make any comment, okay? Why, is he missing something? He's a very smart man.
Brilliant.
A scientist.
He doesn't have time to worry about appearances.
- You're going out with a dork.
- He's not a dork.
He's a dork.
I don't get it.
I mean, you may not be my type but you should be able to do all right for yourself.
Some guys like bony.
I'm going out with him because I want to, Eldin.
He may, in fact, be the world's smartest man.
And frankly, a few hours of fun at a fancy party with me may give him something to remember when he's at his computer working to better the quality of human life.
It's the least I can do.
I can't wait to see this guy.
I'm warning you, Eldin.
Don't say anything.
Victor.
You look wonderful.
I'm sorry about the tux.
I tried to get it in a red brocade, but they didn't have my size.
- Don't worry.
This is fine.
- Hello there, Victor.
I'm Eldin.
I understand you got a brain they're gonna pickle after you're dead.
- Eldin.
- What? I'm just I'm making conversation.
- So, what do you do? - I'm a physicist.
Oh, really? What kind of physics do you do? - It's very complicated, Eldin.
- I study fractals.
Oh, right.
Self-similar, non-Euclidean geometrical objects which occur in nature.
- How did you know that, Eldin? How? - I studied fractal art.
You take a bunch of random numbers and assign a fractal equation to each one.
Then assign a color to each fractal based on how far and how fast they move away from a central point on the grid.
- It's kind of complicated, Murphy.
- We have to go, Victor.
- Right.
Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you.
Perhaps next time we can run some programs through my computer.
Color me there.
- Good night, Eldin.
- Oh, just a second.
Excuse me.
She'll be with you in a nanosecond.
I'll be gone before you get back.
I know you'll want your privacy.
This guy looks like a howler.
- Hey, it's Murphy Brown.
- Right this way.
- Right here, please.
- Smile, please.
Sorry about this.
I know it's awkward, but it'll be over in a moment.
Don't worry about me.
Could we get one more shot of you and your date? - Do you mind, Victor? - No problem.
- Who is your date? - Dr.
Victor Rudman.
R-U-D-M-A-N.
Victor.
- Okay, you've got enough now.
Thank you.
- We have time for just one more, don't we? - Thanks, Ms.
Brown.
Doc.
- Any time.
- Gee, Victor, you handled that like a pro.
- Go with the flow, I always say.
Can't let things get to you when you're out to have a good time.
Gosh, look at this.
I know it's not the faculty club, so if you're uncomfortable, we don't have to stay.
What do you wanna do first? Work the room a little? Find out who's here? Somebody said Cher was going to show.
I love her.
Maybe we should grab a table first.
I see one.
Come on.
Wait a minute.
The libations have arrived.
I'll just take one of these, and one for the lady.
No, thanks.
But I'll have a club soda when you get the chance.
I guess it's up to me.
And here's a little something for your college fund.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Yes! Oh, look, they're serving.
I'm starving.
Let's sit.
Music.
Come on, let's take a little spin around the dance floor.
Work up an appetite.
Victor, because I like and respect you, I'm going to be honest with you.
Just because you're out with a celebrity, doesn't mean you have to act differently.
- I'm not.
- I guess what I mean is I understand you don't get out of the lab very often.
And you probably haven't just let go in a really long time.
- But you have to pace yourself.
- Are you kidding? I get out every weekend.
Clubs, discos, you name it.
Hey, we could all be dead tomorrow.
Like I said in the interview you've gotta live in the moment.
Let the universe touch you and you've got to touch the universe.
Victor, that's not the universe you're touching.
Come on, you know you wanna dance.
Let's shake that booty.
So, Victor, did I tell you about that book I read last week The Beauty of Fractals by Heinz-Otto Peitgen.
- Why don't you sit here and explain it to me.
- Give me a break, Murphy.
I talk about that stuff all week.
Victor, you know what I was really looking forward to? An evening of great conversation about ideas and concepts with a man I respect and admire.
Murphy, just because I'm a genius doesn't mean I'm not allowed to get down.
- Come on, let's do it.
- Victor, I don't want to.
Hi, Murph.
Dr.
Rudman.
You two having a good time? Well, I'm trying to, but I'm not getting much help.
What about you, slim? Wanna dance? I'm not allowed to.
I'm Amish.
Amish.
That's great.
I love it.
- Shut up, Frank.
- I am not even gonna rib you about this one.
It's worse than I thought.
Everybody's talking about me, aren't they? I can't control him.
I thought about bringing him down with a tranquilizer dart but there's too many photographers.
Boogie on down, sweet thing! Oh, God, he's trying to lift her over his head.
What are those, Donald Duck panties? You better cut in, Frank.
- Hi, Murphy.
Having a good time? - Miles, it's an evening I'll never forget.
What a workout.
And who might this be? - Dr.
Victor Rudman, this is Mimi Edelson.
- Mimi.
Dr.
Rudman may win the Nobel Prize.
Great outfit.
Have you ever thought of a career as a model? - I'm a lawyer with the ACLU.
- Wanna see my briefs? I guess we'll see you later.
Remember, Miles.
If you're going to love, wear the glove.
What about it, babe? You wanna party? No, Victor, I don't wanna party.
Not now, not ever.
You know, I gotta tell you something.
You're not at all what I expected.
For a big network star, you're no ride on the Ferris wheel, if you know what I mean.
Okay, that's it.
I've had it with you, Victor.
This has been the worst evening of my life.
And that includes the Bulgarian soccer team incident.
You have embarrassed me and my friends.
You have proven in the most painful of all ways that you can't judge a book by its cover.
But you can judge it by its ugly plaid jacket! You know what you need? A sponge bath! You dork! Thought you might need some company, slugger.
- Where's the genius? - Over there.
Dirty Dancing with Marilyn Quayle.
You know, I could've taken him out to coffee or to Phil's for a burger.
But oh, no, I had to prove a point in a big public place with everyone I know watching.
- Did I tell you my Ernest Hemingway story? - No.
Ernest Hemingway was my idol.
For years I dreamt of meeting him.
Finally I did.
I was in Spain, doing a story on Franco.
I was sitting in a bar in Pamplona when suddenly a wine bottle whistled by my head.
It was Hemingway.
He had mistaken me for a slow-witted waiter.
We had a few drinks.
I had two.
He had 10.
Then he tried to talk me into running the bulls.
I had a slight hamstring pull, so I begged off.
- He called me a pansy.
- Gee, Jim, I'm sorry.
I still love his writing, even though I can't say much for the man.
I suppose you're right.
I have such respect for Victor's work.
I really put him on a pedestal.
It was unfair of me to want him to be a saint.
I mean, he has the same right to be a jerk just like anybody else.
There you go.
Jim, what happened after Hemingway called you a pansy? - I busted him in the snout.
- Really? Would you excuse me a minute.
Oh, Victor.