Murphy Brown s11e04 Episode Script

Three Shirts to the Wind

1 AVERY: Hello, and welcome to "Avery Brown's America.
" This morning, we are coming at you live from the historic Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York, actual birthplace of the Buffalo chicken wings.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] People come to the Anchor for the famous food, but they stay for the conversation, the subject of which today is the very controversial Ed Shannon.
Take a look.
- - Let the bleeding-heart - - libtards call you racist.
Let 'em call you nativists.
Wear it as a badge of honor, because this is our country, and we are taking it back! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Shannon's about to release a new book entitd "American Carnage.
" In it, he describes the U.
S.
as a country in free fall with trade deals sucking away our jobs and cities falling into decay, overrun by "crimmigrants.
" But is this really our America? With me today, I have John Dwyer, a plumber Dwyer Drains, available eight days a week, 25 hours a day.
And Dorothy Johnson, a teacher at Buffalo All Saints Elementary School.
Go, Bills! So, guys, what are your thoughts on Ed Shannon and his views of the country? I like him.
He's not a phony like those other D.
C.
types and the low I.
Q.
Democrats, fake media like that Murphy Brown, who I believe you are related to.
[LAUGHS] Let's try to stay on point.
Dorothy? Shannon didn't go to Washington to drain the swamp.
He is the swamp.
That's why he wears three shirts at a time To hide his swamp scales.
He wears them to soak up all the sweat from hard work, something you and the other elites wouldn't know anything about.
Oh, come on, John.
You live in a 3,000-square-foot house with a grotto.
That I built with my own two hands! Next time, build a bookshelf and put a book on it! I'm a plumber! Shannon's a know-nothing jerk like you, Dwyer! You "fixed" my sewer, and the next morning, my basement was as full of crap as you are! Yeah! He's a slime ball, and so are you, Dwyer.
[ALL ARGUING LOUDLY] Well, obviously, Shannon brings up some pretty strong opinions here in Buffalo.
We're gonna take a quick break.
This is "Avery Brown's America.
" [DISHES CLATTER, GLASS SHATTERS] - [ARGUING STOPS] - Yeah! AVERY: [HUSHED] And Avery Brown wins the gold.
[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING] - Aah! Aah! - [GASPS] Why are you turning those on, for God's sakes? Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought it would be nice just for one morning to not feel like I had to spelunk my way to the kitchen.
Fine.
Enjoy your soul-sucking lights.
You know, we have completely different ways of preparing for our morning shows.
I get up, and I run for two and a half miles, and you complain for two and a half hours.
That's why I need my own place, although I do appreciate you letting me crash here.
Oh, oh, hold it.
You're not crashing here.
This is your home.
Plus, you're the only one who knows how to use the universal remote.
Who's gonna record all my "Hoarders" episodes? I am a grown man with my own TV show living with my mother.
If I don't call it "crashing," it starts to sound pathetic.
Well, at least wait and see how your show does.
I mean, you just started with The Wolf Network.
You're on in a very tough time slot.
I mean, you're up against well, me.
Well, you might want to check the ratings today because you're starting to be up against, well, me.
CORKY: [CHEERFULLY] Good morning, Murphy.
I know what will cheer you up.
I whipped up a batch of banana nut muffins.
Want one? It's 4:00 in the morning.
You've already baked? Yes, I did.
I'm lying.
I'm just as exhausted as you are! I bought them at a gas station and put them in a basket I found next to the pump.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] Good morning, team! Look at you all, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
I brought a special visitor.
Hi, Diana, and man.
Thought I'd check in, see how the magic happens.
It's easy for management to lose touch with talent.
We've missed your executive warmth.
Murphy, what a kidder.
I'm here because the network's just received an amazing opportunity The chance for a ratings bonanza.
Don't tell me.
Paul Ryan's finally taken a stand on something? Geoffrey, latte.
Ed Shannon is publishing a new book, and he's singled you out to do his very first interview.
It's an exclusive and a major coup.
I want to schedule it for this week.
Ed Shannon, Satan's sidekick? Why me? What did I do? You're the legendary Murphy Brown.
He wants to step in the ring with someone who boxes in his weight class, and he knows the two of you will have a battle for the ages, like David Frost and Richard Nixon.
Or William F.
Buckley and Gore Vidal.
Latte return.
We can't have him on! He's a racist! And I'm already carrying a lot of guilt about that.
Back home in Louisiana, my great-great-grandpa's tombstone reads, "Here lies Homer Sherwood.
He loved the cross" [VOICE BREAKING] "especially when it was on fire.
" DIANA: Shannon's views are not the point.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] Landing him for an exclusive could help us stand out in a very competitive, 24/7 news cycle.
We need Ed Shannon.
Did someone say Ed Shannon? He's a Nazi.
Think about something else, Frank.
We are not considering having that slime bucket on.
Why? To do one of those normalizing pieces? "Nazis, they're just like us.
" I mean, we Oh, hi, Diana.
Listen, I, uh, think this segment is worth considering.
Shannon may be out of the White House, but he's still a big newsmaker.
Suck up.
We could run Shannon's Twitter feed on the big board.
It's extreme, and you should see the ones he's deleted.
People think they're gone forever, but they're not.
I know where to find them.
That's right.
I'm kind of known as the, uh, Tweet Raider.
[CHUCKLES] It's like "Tomb Raider" but with tweets.
I don't know who you are, but I like what I'm hearing.
How long have you been with the show? Uh, about four weeks now.
Come up to my office later.
I want to talk about your future.
I discovered Geoffrey here in the mail room.
Now look at him.
Latte.
Look, Diana, this is a big decision.
I'm going to need some time to think about it.
Of course.
You are my crown jewel.
I will back up whatever choice you make for a new show in a highly competitive time slot that's vulnerable at any moment to cancelation because I have that kind of power, but don't let that influence - your decision.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] [STERNLY] Geoffrey, follow.
It's not life or death, buddy.
It's lunch.
Make a decision or move along.
What are you, a cop? As a matter of fact, I spent more than 20 years in one of the toughest divisions of the NYPD.
Parking enforcement.
[LAUGHS] So, like a meter maid.
No.
Like parking enforcement! I better feed my meter.
Look, I know you disagree, but I really think we should have Shannon on.
He deserves to be taken apart, and no one would do it like you would.
That's just gonna allow that jerk to sell more books.
I can see your point, Frank, but I can see Miles' point, too.
Murphy would cut Shannon down to size, just like she did with Jeff Sessions.
He used to be six feet.
Now he sleeps in an acorn.
Guys, you've got to check this out.
Shannon tweeted during our show.
"Let's see if Murphy Brown has the stones to get in the ring with me.
My guess she'll stay in the locker room.
" Can you believe the ego of this creep? Now he's baiting me.
A lot of news sites re-tweeted it BuzzFeed, Politico, Daily Beast.
And Diana gave it three clapping hands and a [SNAPS FINGERS] Spanish dancing lady.
I wish Jim were here.
Whenever we had a journalistic crisis, - he always knew exactly what to do.
- [DOOR OPENS] Hello, all.
All right, now, let's not get out of hand.
I'm just a man like any other.
Jim, you are a sight for sore eyes.
We thought you were sailing to Bermuda.
I just returned.
It's where Bermuda shorts originated, you know.
Not to be confused with clam diggers, which extend below the knee.
Or cargo shorts, which are of similar length but typically baggy, or less tailored.
Perhaps too much time alone on the boat.
Hello there.
You look like you're in need of a good cup of Joe.
Jim, this is Phil's sister, Phyllis.
But you're so attractive.
Oh! Where did that come from? I apologize.
Don't worry about it.
I'm used to the attention.
And by the way, you're not so bad yourself.
Coffee's on me, sailor.
What is happening? PAT: Uh, Mr.
Dial, can I just say I'm honored to meet you? The comment threads on your subreddit are totally rad.
I have no idea what you just said - or who you are.
- Oh, I'm Pat Patel, Director of Social Media and Technology for "Murphy in the Morning.
" Is that a real job? Look, it doesn't matter, Jim.
You're here now and we need your advice.
The network is putting a lot of pressure on me to do an interview with Ed Shannon, who has a book coming out.
- Do I do it? - That's simple.
No.
We're a new show.
It could help us in the ratings.
- No.
- Murphy could chop him up and feed him to the dogs.
[CHUCKLES] No.
Let me give it to you straight.
If you put that human mudslide on the air, you're creating a perfect example of false equivalency.
It's a disease that's sickening today's journalism.
You don't have to give equal time to someone who claims Tom Hanks is running a shadow government.
I am all for journalistic principles, but this is a different world now, and frankly, if we don't have the guy on our show, he'll just go on somebody else's.
Who could take Shannon down better than Murphy? No one.
Isn't that worth the tradeoff? You think I wouldn't love to eviscerate this guy in a public square? Is that just my ego talking? Because that's usually the loudest voice in the room.
Slugger, you know your own gut.
You always have.
Trust it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to re-acquaint myself with an actual men's room so I can take care of business without all that bobbing up and down.
One final note before we go You may have heard about a possible interview involving this reporter and a certain individual.
In fact, I won't even say his name.
Let's just call him horseman number four of the apocalypse.
That interview is not going to happen.
It wasn't an easy decision to make, but we're here to report the news, not become the news.
Yes, it would've been a huge ratings grabber, but I'd like to think integrity won out.
This has been "Murphy in the Morning.
" We'll see you again tomorrow.
And we're clear.
Well, I've enjoyed working with all you people.
And back to driving for Lyft.
Remember, folks, you can tip.
That's the kind of show I'm proud to be part of.
Good going, Murph.
Yeah.
That was a very brave decision you made.
Even though there will be repercussions for me, Frank, Miles, and pretty much everyone else here who doesn't have your "up yours" money.
[CHUCKLES] But still, I'm proud of you.
I'm sorry, Miles.
I know it's not what you wanted.
I'm a 5'7" Jew with small calves and colitis.
I've had a lifetime of not getting what I wanted.
But I've had the honor of working with journalists like you, and that is something I appreciate more than I can say.
Thank you, Miles.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare myself for the firing squad.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] And here she is now.
Integrity.
It's impressive.
If only we could eat it for dinner and use it to pay the rent.
Look, Diana, when you get me, you get the whole package.
Occasionally, I go rogue.
Well, more than occasionally.
- Where's Geoffrey? - He's no longer with us.
He quit? He's no longer with us.
Let's just leave it at that.
Come on, Miles, let's go upstairs and talk about - the fallout from all this - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] integrity.
[WHIMPERING] Oh, God.
Hey, Phyllis.
What a day.
Heads up there's a guy looking for you.
Kind of blotchy.
Looks like he slept in his car for a week.
He's in the bathroom.
How many shirts was he wearing? I'd estimate at minimum, a trio.
Aha.
There she is.
Murphy Brown.
I thought I'd find you here.
Can I buy you a drink? Oh, wait, you couldn't handle your booze like you couldn't handle me.
[LAUGHS] Ed Shannon.
So many shirts.
And a safari jacket.
Do you wear it to hunt down reporters? You mind if I join you? I promise this apocalyptic horseman is riding alone.
You know, I was disappointed you decided not to have me on your show, but then I always knew you were a coward.
[LAUGHS] As if.
I just didn't want to help you further your ugly agenda.
Bringing America back to its former glory is ugly? Here's a fact America's a sad place right now.
We're weak.
The world knows it.
"Fact" I'm surprised you could even say that word without bursting into flames.
You're not about the truth.
- You're a fear monger.
- Fear is a good thing.
Who knows when the next terrorist attack will hit? Illegals are pouring over our borders.
That's why we got to keep the swarthy crowd out.
"The swarthy crowd"? That's how they used to refer to Italians and Jews, and "Shannon," that's an Irish name, isn't it? So you want to go back to the good ol' days where there were signs saying, "No dogs or Irish allowed.
" Hey, we came here legally.
Yeah, well, so would everybody else if you didn't put up so many roadblocks to citizenship.
How do you explain the rise in crime that's sweeping the country? Spreading faster than head lice through a public school.
Please.
Crime is at its lowest in decades, and the only crime I see is the way you murder the truth.
Truth is not the truth.
Don't you Giuliani me.
And don't you give me that - snowflake "wah, wah, wah.
" - [LAUGHS] You people think that we should be the nurse maid to the world.
Well, the world has its hands in our pockets.
So, we don't need allies? We don't need Europe or the Middle East or Asia? Or Australia or Canada.
Oh, why pick on Australia? Their animals have pouches.
Much like your stupid jacket.
And Canada? I mean, granted, they have that round bacon, but their prime minister's adorable.
He's a globalist cuck.
I just got what's going on.
Underneath all that clothing is an old white guy who's scared of losing his place at the table.
You and your friends, you're all dinosaurs.
What the hell are you talking about? This is your last gasp, your last chance to prevent progress from happening, and the good people Let's call them single-shirts they're going to stamp out your hatred and bigotry, and they will replace you.
You will end up an exhibit in a museum, standing in your country-club diorama with a gin and tonic in one hand and your putter in the other a sad, sad, sad, sad dinosaur who went extinct.
What a waste of time.
Talk about going extinct.
I should've known all I'd get from you were the rantings of a woman way, way, way, way past her prime.
[LAUGHS] You know, of everything you've ever said, that is the most predictable.
Oh, and you better hurry.
Jurassic Park closes in an hour.
Wow.
That was amazing.
Vintage Murphy Brown.
That's what I wanted to see on TV.
How do you feel? Like I want to eat a steak.
T-bone, blue rare.
How was Diana? She's pretty upset with me.
She took away my executive parking spot.
I had to move into the structure.
Oh, God, Miles, not the structure.
I'm four floors down.
Basically in the bowels of Middle Earth.
Such a tiny spot.
S-So many walls around it.
I think Geoffrey's buried there.
I'm so sorry, Miles.
- [SARCASTICALLY] Mm, yeah.
- [LAUGHS] I can tell you are.
I'll think of you fondly as I'm crawling out of my sunroof every morning.
[DOOR CLOSES] - Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, please, don't move on my account.
So, how was your broadcast from Chesapeake Bay? It was good.
We talked about the NFL.
Somebody took a knee, someone took a swing, - and somebody took your crab cakes.
- [GASPS] - How was your day? - Well your mama did pretty good today.
She took the journalistic high road and saved the world from hearing from MURPHY'S VOICE: a sad, sad, sad, sad dinosaur.
What is that? Someone at Phil's took a video of you ripping into Shannon and posted it online.
You're blowing up the Internet right now.
There's even a dance-mix version.
That was supposed to be between me and Shannon.
Thank God there were no smartphones when I was drinking.
Hey, you know what? You should be proud.
This is really good, especially for me.
I mean, if this was on the air, you would've killed my ratings.
I told you.
- You're on ina very tough time slot.
- [LAUGHS] Whoa! It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
- Time for bed.
- [CHUCKLES] It's like we've got a Dunkin' Donuts franchise.
But first, let's just watch the beginning of that video.
All right, you got to hear the dance mix.
- [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS] - Here we go! You and your friends are all [ ECHOING] Dinosaurs You and your friends are all dinosaurs You and your friends are all dinosaurs