My Boys (2006) s04e03 Episode Script
Mike Fest
Is that you get to celebrate Life's little milestones together.
I would likeropose a toast.
And my upcoming birthday.
Happy Birthday! Hey! Hey! Happy Birthday! What is this, uh, 30? I will be turning 35.
Ooh! Wow! Gross! Dude, I think that officially makes you The old man of the group.
Not so fast.
Grandpa here is 36.
35 and 3/4.
You don't look a day over 50.
You don't act a day over 12.
Old-man fight! Old-man fight! Old-man fight! Bing, bing! Bing, bing! [ groaning, laughing .]
So what's your plan for the big day, man? Well, no one's ever thrown me a surprise party, So I was thinking maybe you guys could surprise me with that.
Yeah, see, Mike, if you're expecting it Don't sell him short.
Mike could plan his own surprise party and still be surprised.
No, no, I don't want to plan it.
I want you guys to take the ball and kind of run with it.
I'm thinking Party bus, beer kegs, paintball.
Go.
We are not getting drunk and playing paintball For your birthday.
I might as well just predial 9 and 1 and get a head start.
Hey, you guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Okay, you are never gonna guess what I'm doing tomorrow.
Going fishing.
Driving to st.
Louis.
Creating a beautiful glass menagerie! I'm having lunch with a very important Hollywood producer.
Josh Hellman wants to turn my book, "you're a great guy, but" Into a movie! No way! That's awesome! That's awesome! Congratulations! That's amazing! How did that happen? My Agent sent it to him, and he really liked it.
And he's in town shooting this movie with Vince Vaughn And drew Barrymore, so we're lunching.
What's the Vince Vaughn movie? Dog trainers who fall in love at the dog show, And it's called, um "shih tzu happens.
" "legal beagles.
" That doesn't even make any sense, man.
Why would the dogs be lawyers? I don't know.
"shih tzu happens" makes sense? Can I get you a drink, Steph? Uh, hey.
Yeah, uh, red wine.
Okay.
Oh, you know what? Let me get it.
Maybe if I suck up to you now, You'll take me to the Oscars with you.
[ laughter .]
Kenny, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me, 'cause I don't know why I'm so nervous, But I could really use the support.
Yeah, absolutely.
It'll be fun.
I may have to run a couple of ideas by him myself.
Or just sit there and look cute.
[ cellphone chirps .]
Oh.
All right, dude, enough with the constant texting.
Who is she? Hayley.
She's this bartender over at Danny's in bucktown.
Long brown hair, so hot.
Oh, good lord.
And she's got this panther tattoo That runs down the entire right side of her body.
Hello, Kitty.
[ meows .]
You have no idea.
You think she has any hot friends Who might be interested in some drunken whirlyball? Dude, we are not playing whirlyball.
Beer pong? No.
Booze cruise? No.
No.
Color me mine? Color me mine? Drunk? I don't think you know what that is.
Oh, you know what would be great? Bing-bong! [ high-pitched voice .]
"hi, my name's candy.
I'm your plumber, and I would like to fix your leak.
" Ew! Dude, that's, like, the worst sexy stripper talk I've ever heard.
Hey, Bobby, we had a problem with your credit card.
It wouldn't go through.
That is so weird.
That's the second time that's happened today.
Um, sorry.
Here, let me give you some cash.
Thank you.
That's weird.
Why don't you call them tomorrow? That fraud-protection thing turns my card off all the time.
Better get that fixed by next Friday, Robert, When you surprise me with a bottle of rumple minze, Some go-karts, and a big game of dodge ball! We're not playing dodge ball! [ mid-tempo blues music playing .]
Yeah, I'll have a cup of decaf, And we're gonna split the chocolate lava cake.
[ laughs .]
oh, are you serious? That's amazing.
I haven't seen somebody order a dessert in three years.
Wow.
You guys do it right in Chicago.
You just go for it.
Yeah, well, we walk a lot here.
That's the cutest thing I've ever heard.
Walking.
Could you imagine? [ chuckles .]
Here's the deal, Stephanie This book is amazing.
It has a great title, great characters, great concept.
And it's got that urban sensibility That I findSlammin'.
Oh, thank you! My job is to take this book, that I love so much, And turn it into a huge movie, ultimately a franchise.
"you're still a great guy.
" "you're a great girl.
" "you're great parents.
" I mean, stop me.
I could do this forever.
"you're a great mayor.
" "you're a great vampire.
" Right? [ laughs .]
Oh, this is so exciting.
Yes, it is, but I'm not sure Exactly what that has to do with the book.
Hilarious.
Hey, do you like Ryan Reynolds? Sure! He's awesome.
And ripped.
I'm just saying.
You're just saying what? [ cellphone rings .]
I got to go.
I got to take this call.
It's a notes call.
I'm not gonna take notes.
I'm gonna tell fox to kiss my ass.
You know what I'm saying, Doug.
Kenny.
My man.
Well, thank you so much for lunch, Josh.
Oh, yeah.
And it was really great meeting you.
Keep your schedule open next few days, okay? 'cause we're gonna get together.
We're gonna close this deal.
Hi, you guys.
Hey, is everyone on? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm still in "chi-caah-go.
" [ laughs .]
Yeah, I saw a guy in acid-washed jeans.
No, I'm not kidding.
Did you hear that? What's wrong with acid-washed jeans? Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening! I mean and who should play me? Because there has to be a Stephanie character, right? Halle Berry! How crazy would that be? "you're a great guy, but" starring Halle Berry I can totally see the poster! Thank you.
Good thing my acid-washed jeans are pleated.
So, uh, how are the plans for mike-fest coming? Good.
Why? Well, I had an idea just in caseou needed one.
Sure.
What is it? A day at six flags, some whirlyball, Dinner at twin anchors, followed by a pub-crawl Through Lincoln park and lakeview.
Dude, just pick one thing for your birthday, And we'll do it right.
Okay.
Pub-crawl.
Fine.
Unless you guys are gonna surprise me With a road trip to champaign-Urbana? We are not.
Fine.
Pub-crawl it is, then.
Let's go out at 11:00 like we used to.
11:00? Yeah, we're way too old for that.
I'm not ashamed to go to bed at 11:00.
If I'm not in my pajamas by 11:00, Something's gone terribly wrong.
All right, I say we pick a more age-appropriate time to go out, Like, say, 8:00.
8:00?! Come on.
I'm not turning 100.
You kind of are.
If we go out at 8:00, we'll hit more bars, Increasing your chance Of finding the future Mrs.
Mike Callahan.
Or, at the very least, Your next incredibly awkward sexual experience.
Fine.
8:00 P.
M.
, Friday night, we meet at Crowley's.
Yeah, uh, queens of the stone age are in town, And Hayley wants me to go with, So I'll have to play this one by ear.
You can't play my birthday by ear.
You're either in or you're out.
Dude.
Panther tattoo.
And if it wasn't my birthday, I would high-five you, But you are super-lame if you blow off mike-fest For some bartender chick! Yeah, Brendan.
There will be other bartender chicks.
Come on.
But he's old.
This could be his last birthday.
Mike, I have a little conflict, too.
No, no.
Don't do this to me, boopy.
No, no, that's the night that Josh is taking me to dinner To close my movie deal.
Okay, now, that's a good excuse.
Uh, panther tattoo? No.
Little bit.
No.
I know it's Mike's birthday, But it would be nice if you could you meet me and Josh For a drink before dinner.
I don't know.
I don't know if, uh, it's a good idea.
Um, he and I didn't really hit it off.
What do you mean? I mean Josh is tool bag.
I'm not, so [ chuckles .]
wait, my Josh? No.
No, he's not.
He was completely charming.
Your Josh was kissing your ass because he wants your book, A book I guarantee, by the way, he didn't read.
Of course he read it.
He said it was great.
He said it had a great title.
Look, look, look.
I have a solution to this.
Do you want to bring Josh to the pub-crawl? Ah, no.
If he's a total tool bag, He should not come on the pub-crawl.
Dude, you're not coming to the pub-crawl.
I'm playing it by ear.
What does that even mean? I can't believe you're not being more supportive.
I am supportive.
I-I'm telling you this guy's gonna ruin your book.
All right, fine.
I will go to dinner alone, and you can just Just be that way.
Oh, I'm gonna be that way Because being that way is right.
When he gets this way at work, I give him a granola bar Because sometimes he's just hungry.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Hi, Bobby.
Robert.
Sorry I'm late.
You are not gonna believe what I've been dealing with.
Flat tire.
Buffalo stampede.
Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.
See more than one play.
What happened, Bobby? Well, I haven't gotten the full story yet, But according to my brother Jack, It sounds like my dad invested our entire family fund With Marvin fisher.
Ohh.
Marvin fisher, the ponzi-scheme guy? The $25 billion ponzi-scheme guy? Well, that wasn't always his title.
We actually used to call him "uncle Marvin.
" So you're basically saying that the Newman family fortune Went bll-dl-bll-dl-boop.
Yeah, but, you know, There's a bunch of lawyers working on it now, And the truth is, it's hard to believe That that much money could just disappear.
You okay? Is there anything we can do? I'm fine.
I mean, all my accounts are frozen, Which is kind of crazy, but, you know, I'm sure they're gonna sort the whole thing out.
Maybe we should just reschedule the pub-crawl, you know? Steph's got the dinner, and Bobby's got a lot going on, and Brendan's lame.
Brendan: I know it's your birthday and all, dude, But it's not like it's a big one.
Actually, Brendan, it kind of is.
I know I've been a little vague about my age before, But the truth of the matter is, Is that I'm not turning 35.
I am turning 40.
40?! What? Even more gross! No! In your face! 40! 35 and 3/4! 40! You know what I want for my birthday? Just for one day, I would like you to be nice to me.
How 'bout I get you a hip replacement and a bucket of fiber? Old-man fight! Old-man fight! Mike, you cannot play whirlyball on your 40th birthday.
You'll die.
I never thought I'd live this long.
[ laughter .]
Surprise! No? No.
No.
No.
But Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! [ laughs .]
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Here's the deal with the pub-crawl We order a drink, we drink it, we move on.
We do not get comfortable in any one location Because I have a list of about 24 bars here that Four bars.
Four bars? Four.
Come on.
It's a pub-crawl.
"hi, I'm Mike.
" Hi, Mike.
Hi, Mike.
"yeah, I tried to drink "at 24 bars on my birthday, And my liver shut down somewhere between Fullerton and Belmont.
" Hey, guys.
Hey! Well, there's a surprise.
Look who decided to show up for my 40th.
Well, I mean, what's more important, man? Your birthday or some hot bartender chick, right? That's what I'm talking about! [ laughing .]
yeah.
You ready? Oh, yeah! Let's put those drinking helmets on.
Pub-crawl! Whoo-hoo! Well? Oh, I'm gonna hook up with her later.
Dude, you're the worst.
Oh, come on, peej.
She's got this tattoo I don't want to hear it! But she's really no, seriously.
And she's don't say it.
But she can tie knots dude! I will punch you.
Pub-crawl! [ clears throat .]
and I also had a thought I'm so sorry.
Okay.
This dog movie's become a zit on my ass.
We had to fire our lead.
You know how hard it is to find A purebred French bulldog in this city that's funny? [ laughs .]
Ohhhh, yeah.
Wow, I'm sorry.
Now you.
You, you.
You and your amazing book.
Mm.
Are we doing this? Are we getting into bed together? And I don't mean for that.
I mean to make a lot of money.
[ laughing .]
wow.
Well, Josh, I am so excited.
Ah.
I am.
And I had this idea That maybe Zoe Saldana could play the lead.
You know, she was in "guess who" and "avatar.
" Yeah, no, I know who she is.
Yeah.
Uh, not for this.
No.
This is Sandy bullock.
This is "you're a great guy, "but I'm too crazy to see it until it's too late, "and so I get a job as a caterer And I mess up your wedding.
" Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.
The end.
Ka-Ching! But shouldn't it be a movie about a woman Who finds the courage and the strength To leave a lousy situation? I mean, that is the premise of the book.
Uh, I'm making a comedy, And you just pitched me a Hilary swank film, so [ laughs .]
You know, I've been to Sundance, and it's very cold.
Josh, can I ask you something? Yeah.
Did you even read the book? I guess I don't, uh I'm not sure what kind of question that is.
I don't I don't understand your question.
It's just that based on what you said, It it doesn't seem like you actually read my book.
Time-out here.
Let's get real real, okay? Okay.
You've done your job.
You wrote a book with a great title.
Now let daddy take it, make it into something.
And then you and Doug, You can walk down a red carpet, you know? [ imitating camera flashes .]
"oh! Oh, Stephanie! "Stephanie, Stephanie! Big smile, big smile! Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie!" You're welcome.
Why did we have to leave belden tap? I love that place.
You know the rules, Captain.
Don't get too emotionally attached to any one place 'cause you are playing the field! Uh, you know what, guys? This is my brother.
Uh, excuse me one second.
Oh, man, poor Bobby.
Can you imagine trying to sort through Such a huge financial mess? Actually, I can.
I run a business with rip van winkle.
Okay.
Let's find you some almonds.
What do you know? Time sure flies when you're having fun.
Oh, Brando, don't do it.
Hey, dude, pub-crawl awesome.
We should make this an annual event.
[ scoffs .]
Wait, where are you going?! We've only gone to two bars! Happy Birthday, buddy! You are so lame! How can you do that? How can he do that? Dude, panther tattoo.
Uh, you guys, I'm so sorry to do this, But we need to make an emergency stop at my apartment, Like right now.
Evidently, the feds are seizing all our assets, And they're coming to pick everything up.
Another great thing about having a big group of friends Is that you can turn to your team when things go South.
All right, what's the plan? Um, okay, Mike, you look for valuables.
Bobby, let's grab important photos and documents.
Kenny, there is a 40-year-old bottle of laphroaig In the pantry.
Some things get better with age.
And some things don't.
Seriously, Mike, take anything you want.
Consider it an early birthday gift.
Who's that? Cornelius Newman, my grandfather.
He's very clean.
I want this.
Go ahead, man.
Knock yourself out.
That is your birthday present.
All right, grandpa.
Let's go.
You're coming with me.
Hey, I'm just assuming we should take all these files.
Oh, you know what? We should grab those photos.
Oh, dad.
This was really, really dumb.
This can all still get worked out, right? No.
It's definitely over.
I am so sorry.
It's the weirdest feeling.
I mean, it's hard to wrap your brain Around losing all of your money, Everything.
I mean, it doesn't even feel real.
I don't know what to say.
There's nothing to say except Dude! [ grunts .]
Cornie, you could stand to lose a few pounds.
[ elevator bell dings .]
is this the Newman residence? Yeah.
We're here to seize your assets.
Hey, Bobby! There's two [ laughs .]
wait a minute.
[ laughing .]
waitAMinute.
I can't believe you guys concocted all of this for the [ laughs .]
I'm the birthday boy.
I'm sorry, sir.
You're gonna have to step back.
What are you gonna do, arrest me? You're already seizing my assets.
Mike, what are you doing? Dude, you are awesome.
Watch this.
I'm about to get searched.
Frisk me! Frisk me! Okay, sir, you need to stop right there.
Why, 'cause I might have a concealed wea Aah! Aaah! Aaaaah! [ shrieks .]
[ whimpers .]
Man, I was not drunk enough for a tase.
I've never heard you make a sound like that before.
I don't ever want to hear it again.
Well, better me than Robert.
I wasn't really in danger of being tased, Mike.
On the plus side, I always wondered What a good, solid tase would feel like, and now I know.
I only peed a drop.
Welcome to your 40s.
Hey, I don't know about you guys, But I could really use a drink or three.
You want to head to Crowley's for one last round? Are you sure you're up for it? Yeah.
Oh, I don't know, man.
I'm sore, I can't feel my feet, And the inside of my mouth tastes like sulfur.
Am I the only one who's surprised Tonight was Mike's first tase? You guys, let's just have one drink And then call it a night, huh? Yeah, for sure.
Absolutely.
Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! I can't believe you threw me a surprise party! Oh, this is amazing! Oh, you guys rock! Thank you! You totally got me! [ laughs .]
Happy Birthday! Thank you.
You! Let's touch 'em.
Come on! Ugh.
That's all I wanted just a little bit of sugar.
[ sniffs .]
Dude, I think you peed more than just a drop.
Eh, maybe a little.
You, me.
Boop! Hey, who wants a drink? Huh? 'cause they're buying! Let's do it! [ laughs .]
[ cheers and applause .]
Did you do all this? Maybe.
It was tough, though.
You're like that annoying kid Who tears through the house before Christmas Looking for presents.
Creepy bathroom in the basement.
Check.
Found 'em every time.
Happy Birthday, Mike.
Thank you.
Hey, you guys.
Hey, Happy Birthday, Mike.
Mwah! Thank you, boopy.
Mwah! You.
[ laughs .]
ooh! I hate you.
What did I do now? You were right.
Josh turned out to be a giant toolBox.
Bag.
Well, he was both, then.
It was totally clear he didn't read my book.
And he was definitely going to ruin it.
So the deal is off.
Mm.
I'm really sorry, Steph.
I told Josh I wasn't gonna let him Turn "you're a great guy, but" Into some crappy movie.
Wow.
Good for you.
I'm sure he took that well.
He suddenly became "the Josh.
" "no one says 'no' to the Josh! The Josh is gonna bury you!" And then the Josh called me "girlfriend.
" I wouldn't call you that, and you are my girlfriend.
Hey.
Well, well, well.
Look what the panther dragged in.
I'm so sorry for bailing on you, all right? That was way out of line.
Keep talking.
The combination of beer and cake Has put me in a very charitable mood.
Well, you know, I was at the show, And I'm thinking, "hey, what the hell am I doing? This isn't right.
" So I completely blew off Hayley.
Hey, thanks a lot, man.
That means a lot to me.
You got it, buddy.
Bring it in.
[ laughs .]
All right.
Happy Birthday.
There you go, pal.
I'm gonna pass out cake.
Who wants cake?! Get your own! Ha ha! So, she bailed on you, didn't she? Yeah, yeah.
She's sleeping with one of the guys in the band.
Just didn't want to go to the show alone.
Surprise, surprise.
Well Such an idiot.
Brando, come on, dude.
I mean, a giant panther tattoo Doesn't exactly scream, "hey, I'm completely stable.
" More like, "ooh, hepatitis 'c'!" [ laughs .]
Hey, everybody, a toast to Mike! It's your birthday! All right! Hey! To old man Callahan.
Ugh! Even though he chases kids off his lawn And eats dinner at 5:00 P.
M And cuts out articles he thinks we'll all find "interesting" And is a member of the greatest generation, We still love him.
Cheers! [ indistinct shouting .]
Thanks to everybody! Hey, you guys ready to roll? Uh, yeah.
Let me close my tab out.
Cool.
Hey.
How you doing? You okay? Yeah, yeah.
You know, a little numb.
Broke.
Homeless.
On that note, actually, Can I spend the night at your place? Gosh, numb, broke, and homeless Now, that's a sexy combo.
Absolutely.
Actually, I might need to spend the next few weeks At your place.
Is that cool? Of course.
Hey, look, I know what you're going through Must be just, ugh, terrible, But you got to look on the bright side, you know? At least you're not 40.
[ laughs .]
thank God.
Ready? Yeah.
It's good to have close friends to share life's surprises with, Because no matter how much you prepare for them, Or even ask for them, they can still sneak up on you.
Thanks again.
Happy Birthday, bud.
Happy Birthday.
I'm right behind you.
All right.
Let me cash out here with you, man.
No way, Mike.
This one's on the house.
Thank you.
Hey, nice picture.
43, huh? Happy Birthday.
Thanks.
I would likeropose a toast.
And my upcoming birthday.
Happy Birthday! Hey! Hey! Happy Birthday! What is this, uh, 30? I will be turning 35.
Ooh! Wow! Gross! Dude, I think that officially makes you The old man of the group.
Not so fast.
Grandpa here is 36.
35 and 3/4.
You don't look a day over 50.
You don't act a day over 12.
Old-man fight! Old-man fight! Old-man fight! Bing, bing! Bing, bing! [ groaning, laughing .]
So what's your plan for the big day, man? Well, no one's ever thrown me a surprise party, So I was thinking maybe you guys could surprise me with that.
Yeah, see, Mike, if you're expecting it Don't sell him short.
Mike could plan his own surprise party and still be surprised.
No, no, I don't want to plan it.
I want you guys to take the ball and kind of run with it.
I'm thinking Party bus, beer kegs, paintball.
Go.
We are not getting drunk and playing paintball For your birthday.
I might as well just predial 9 and 1 and get a head start.
Hey, you guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Okay, you are never gonna guess what I'm doing tomorrow.
Going fishing.
Driving to st.
Louis.
Creating a beautiful glass menagerie! I'm having lunch with a very important Hollywood producer.
Josh Hellman wants to turn my book, "you're a great guy, but" Into a movie! No way! That's awesome! That's awesome! Congratulations! That's amazing! How did that happen? My Agent sent it to him, and he really liked it.
And he's in town shooting this movie with Vince Vaughn And drew Barrymore, so we're lunching.
What's the Vince Vaughn movie? Dog trainers who fall in love at the dog show, And it's called, um "shih tzu happens.
" "legal beagles.
" That doesn't even make any sense, man.
Why would the dogs be lawyers? I don't know.
"shih tzu happens" makes sense? Can I get you a drink, Steph? Uh, hey.
Yeah, uh, red wine.
Okay.
Oh, you know what? Let me get it.
Maybe if I suck up to you now, You'll take me to the Oscars with you.
[ laughter .]
Kenny, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me, 'cause I don't know why I'm so nervous, But I could really use the support.
Yeah, absolutely.
It'll be fun.
I may have to run a couple of ideas by him myself.
Or just sit there and look cute.
[ cellphone chirps .]
Oh.
All right, dude, enough with the constant texting.
Who is she? Hayley.
She's this bartender over at Danny's in bucktown.
Long brown hair, so hot.
Oh, good lord.
And she's got this panther tattoo That runs down the entire right side of her body.
Hello, Kitty.
[ meows .]
You have no idea.
You think she has any hot friends Who might be interested in some drunken whirlyball? Dude, we are not playing whirlyball.
Beer pong? No.
Booze cruise? No.
No.
Color me mine? Color me mine? Drunk? I don't think you know what that is.
Oh, you know what would be great? Bing-bong! [ high-pitched voice .]
"hi, my name's candy.
I'm your plumber, and I would like to fix your leak.
" Ew! Dude, that's, like, the worst sexy stripper talk I've ever heard.
Hey, Bobby, we had a problem with your credit card.
It wouldn't go through.
That is so weird.
That's the second time that's happened today.
Um, sorry.
Here, let me give you some cash.
Thank you.
That's weird.
Why don't you call them tomorrow? That fraud-protection thing turns my card off all the time.
Better get that fixed by next Friday, Robert, When you surprise me with a bottle of rumple minze, Some go-karts, and a big game of dodge ball! We're not playing dodge ball! [ mid-tempo blues music playing .]
Yeah, I'll have a cup of decaf, And we're gonna split the chocolate lava cake.
[ laughs .]
oh, are you serious? That's amazing.
I haven't seen somebody order a dessert in three years.
Wow.
You guys do it right in Chicago.
You just go for it.
Yeah, well, we walk a lot here.
That's the cutest thing I've ever heard.
Walking.
Could you imagine? [ chuckles .]
Here's the deal, Stephanie This book is amazing.
It has a great title, great characters, great concept.
And it's got that urban sensibility That I findSlammin'.
Oh, thank you! My job is to take this book, that I love so much, And turn it into a huge movie, ultimately a franchise.
"you're still a great guy.
" "you're a great girl.
" "you're great parents.
" I mean, stop me.
I could do this forever.
"you're a great mayor.
" "you're a great vampire.
" Right? [ laughs .]
Oh, this is so exciting.
Yes, it is, but I'm not sure Exactly what that has to do with the book.
Hilarious.
Hey, do you like Ryan Reynolds? Sure! He's awesome.
And ripped.
I'm just saying.
You're just saying what? [ cellphone rings .]
I got to go.
I got to take this call.
It's a notes call.
I'm not gonna take notes.
I'm gonna tell fox to kiss my ass.
You know what I'm saying, Doug.
Kenny.
My man.
Well, thank you so much for lunch, Josh.
Oh, yeah.
And it was really great meeting you.
Keep your schedule open next few days, okay? 'cause we're gonna get together.
We're gonna close this deal.
Hi, you guys.
Hey, is everyone on? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm still in "chi-caah-go.
" [ laughs .]
Yeah, I saw a guy in acid-washed jeans.
No, I'm not kidding.
Did you hear that? What's wrong with acid-washed jeans? Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening! I mean and who should play me? Because there has to be a Stephanie character, right? Halle Berry! How crazy would that be? "you're a great guy, but" starring Halle Berry I can totally see the poster! Thank you.
Good thing my acid-washed jeans are pleated.
So, uh, how are the plans for mike-fest coming? Good.
Why? Well, I had an idea just in caseou needed one.
Sure.
What is it? A day at six flags, some whirlyball, Dinner at twin anchors, followed by a pub-crawl Through Lincoln park and lakeview.
Dude, just pick one thing for your birthday, And we'll do it right.
Okay.
Pub-crawl.
Fine.
Unless you guys are gonna surprise me With a road trip to champaign-Urbana? We are not.
Fine.
Pub-crawl it is, then.
Let's go out at 11:00 like we used to.
11:00? Yeah, we're way too old for that.
I'm not ashamed to go to bed at 11:00.
If I'm not in my pajamas by 11:00, Something's gone terribly wrong.
All right, I say we pick a more age-appropriate time to go out, Like, say, 8:00.
8:00?! Come on.
I'm not turning 100.
You kind of are.
If we go out at 8:00, we'll hit more bars, Increasing your chance Of finding the future Mrs.
Mike Callahan.
Or, at the very least, Your next incredibly awkward sexual experience.
Fine.
8:00 P.
M.
, Friday night, we meet at Crowley's.
Yeah, uh, queens of the stone age are in town, And Hayley wants me to go with, So I'll have to play this one by ear.
You can't play my birthday by ear.
You're either in or you're out.
Dude.
Panther tattoo.
And if it wasn't my birthday, I would high-five you, But you are super-lame if you blow off mike-fest For some bartender chick! Yeah, Brendan.
There will be other bartender chicks.
Come on.
But he's old.
This could be his last birthday.
Mike, I have a little conflict, too.
No, no.
Don't do this to me, boopy.
No, no, that's the night that Josh is taking me to dinner To close my movie deal.
Okay, now, that's a good excuse.
Uh, panther tattoo? No.
Little bit.
No.
I know it's Mike's birthday, But it would be nice if you could you meet me and Josh For a drink before dinner.
I don't know.
I don't know if, uh, it's a good idea.
Um, he and I didn't really hit it off.
What do you mean? I mean Josh is tool bag.
I'm not, so [ chuckles .]
wait, my Josh? No.
No, he's not.
He was completely charming.
Your Josh was kissing your ass because he wants your book, A book I guarantee, by the way, he didn't read.
Of course he read it.
He said it was great.
He said it had a great title.
Look, look, look.
I have a solution to this.
Do you want to bring Josh to the pub-crawl? Ah, no.
If he's a total tool bag, He should not come on the pub-crawl.
Dude, you're not coming to the pub-crawl.
I'm playing it by ear.
What does that even mean? I can't believe you're not being more supportive.
I am supportive.
I-I'm telling you this guy's gonna ruin your book.
All right, fine.
I will go to dinner alone, and you can just Just be that way.
Oh, I'm gonna be that way Because being that way is right.
When he gets this way at work, I give him a granola bar Because sometimes he's just hungry.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Hi, Bobby.
Robert.
Sorry I'm late.
You are not gonna believe what I've been dealing with.
Flat tire.
Buffalo stampede.
Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.
See more than one play.
What happened, Bobby? Well, I haven't gotten the full story yet, But according to my brother Jack, It sounds like my dad invested our entire family fund With Marvin fisher.
Ohh.
Marvin fisher, the ponzi-scheme guy? The $25 billion ponzi-scheme guy? Well, that wasn't always his title.
We actually used to call him "uncle Marvin.
" So you're basically saying that the Newman family fortune Went bll-dl-bll-dl-boop.
Yeah, but, you know, There's a bunch of lawyers working on it now, And the truth is, it's hard to believe That that much money could just disappear.
You okay? Is there anything we can do? I'm fine.
I mean, all my accounts are frozen, Which is kind of crazy, but, you know, I'm sure they're gonna sort the whole thing out.
Maybe we should just reschedule the pub-crawl, you know? Steph's got the dinner, and Bobby's got a lot going on, and Brendan's lame.
Brendan: I know it's your birthday and all, dude, But it's not like it's a big one.
Actually, Brendan, it kind of is.
I know I've been a little vague about my age before, But the truth of the matter is, Is that I'm not turning 35.
I am turning 40.
40?! What? Even more gross! No! In your face! 40! 35 and 3/4! 40! You know what I want for my birthday? Just for one day, I would like you to be nice to me.
How 'bout I get you a hip replacement and a bucket of fiber? Old-man fight! Old-man fight! Mike, you cannot play whirlyball on your 40th birthday.
You'll die.
I never thought I'd live this long.
[ laughter .]
Surprise! No? No.
No.
No.
But Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! [ laughs .]
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Here's the deal with the pub-crawl We order a drink, we drink it, we move on.
We do not get comfortable in any one location Because I have a list of about 24 bars here that Four bars.
Four bars? Four.
Come on.
It's a pub-crawl.
"hi, I'm Mike.
" Hi, Mike.
Hi, Mike.
"yeah, I tried to drink "at 24 bars on my birthday, And my liver shut down somewhere between Fullerton and Belmont.
" Hey, guys.
Hey! Well, there's a surprise.
Look who decided to show up for my 40th.
Well, I mean, what's more important, man? Your birthday or some hot bartender chick, right? That's what I'm talking about! [ laughing .]
yeah.
You ready? Oh, yeah! Let's put those drinking helmets on.
Pub-crawl! Whoo-hoo! Well? Oh, I'm gonna hook up with her later.
Dude, you're the worst.
Oh, come on, peej.
She's got this tattoo I don't want to hear it! But she's really no, seriously.
And she's don't say it.
But she can tie knots dude! I will punch you.
Pub-crawl! [ clears throat .]
and I also had a thought I'm so sorry.
Okay.
This dog movie's become a zit on my ass.
We had to fire our lead.
You know how hard it is to find A purebred French bulldog in this city that's funny? [ laughs .]
Ohhhh, yeah.
Wow, I'm sorry.
Now you.
You, you.
You and your amazing book.
Mm.
Are we doing this? Are we getting into bed together? And I don't mean for that.
I mean to make a lot of money.
[ laughing .]
wow.
Well, Josh, I am so excited.
Ah.
I am.
And I had this idea That maybe Zoe Saldana could play the lead.
You know, she was in "guess who" and "avatar.
" Yeah, no, I know who she is.
Yeah.
Uh, not for this.
No.
This is Sandy bullock.
This is "you're a great guy, "but I'm too crazy to see it until it's too late, "and so I get a job as a caterer And I mess up your wedding.
" Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.
The end.
Ka-Ching! But shouldn't it be a movie about a woman Who finds the courage and the strength To leave a lousy situation? I mean, that is the premise of the book.
Uh, I'm making a comedy, And you just pitched me a Hilary swank film, so [ laughs .]
You know, I've been to Sundance, and it's very cold.
Josh, can I ask you something? Yeah.
Did you even read the book? I guess I don't, uh I'm not sure what kind of question that is.
I don't I don't understand your question.
It's just that based on what you said, It it doesn't seem like you actually read my book.
Time-out here.
Let's get real real, okay? Okay.
You've done your job.
You wrote a book with a great title.
Now let daddy take it, make it into something.
And then you and Doug, You can walk down a red carpet, you know? [ imitating camera flashes .]
"oh! Oh, Stephanie! "Stephanie, Stephanie! Big smile, big smile! Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie!" You're welcome.
Why did we have to leave belden tap? I love that place.
You know the rules, Captain.
Don't get too emotionally attached to any one place 'cause you are playing the field! Uh, you know what, guys? This is my brother.
Uh, excuse me one second.
Oh, man, poor Bobby.
Can you imagine trying to sort through Such a huge financial mess? Actually, I can.
I run a business with rip van winkle.
Okay.
Let's find you some almonds.
What do you know? Time sure flies when you're having fun.
Oh, Brando, don't do it.
Hey, dude, pub-crawl awesome.
We should make this an annual event.
[ scoffs .]
Wait, where are you going?! We've only gone to two bars! Happy Birthday, buddy! You are so lame! How can you do that? How can he do that? Dude, panther tattoo.
Uh, you guys, I'm so sorry to do this, But we need to make an emergency stop at my apartment, Like right now.
Evidently, the feds are seizing all our assets, And they're coming to pick everything up.
Another great thing about having a big group of friends Is that you can turn to your team when things go South.
All right, what's the plan? Um, okay, Mike, you look for valuables.
Bobby, let's grab important photos and documents.
Kenny, there is a 40-year-old bottle of laphroaig In the pantry.
Some things get better with age.
And some things don't.
Seriously, Mike, take anything you want.
Consider it an early birthday gift.
Who's that? Cornelius Newman, my grandfather.
He's very clean.
I want this.
Go ahead, man.
Knock yourself out.
That is your birthday present.
All right, grandpa.
Let's go.
You're coming with me.
Hey, I'm just assuming we should take all these files.
Oh, you know what? We should grab those photos.
Oh, dad.
This was really, really dumb.
This can all still get worked out, right? No.
It's definitely over.
I am so sorry.
It's the weirdest feeling.
I mean, it's hard to wrap your brain Around losing all of your money, Everything.
I mean, it doesn't even feel real.
I don't know what to say.
There's nothing to say except Dude! [ grunts .]
Cornie, you could stand to lose a few pounds.
[ elevator bell dings .]
is this the Newman residence? Yeah.
We're here to seize your assets.
Hey, Bobby! There's two [ laughs .]
wait a minute.
[ laughing .]
waitAMinute.
I can't believe you guys concocted all of this for the [ laughs .]
I'm the birthday boy.
I'm sorry, sir.
You're gonna have to step back.
What are you gonna do, arrest me? You're already seizing my assets.
Mike, what are you doing? Dude, you are awesome.
Watch this.
I'm about to get searched.
Frisk me! Frisk me! Okay, sir, you need to stop right there.
Why, 'cause I might have a concealed wea Aah! Aaah! Aaaaah! [ shrieks .]
[ whimpers .]
Man, I was not drunk enough for a tase.
I've never heard you make a sound like that before.
I don't ever want to hear it again.
Well, better me than Robert.
I wasn't really in danger of being tased, Mike.
On the plus side, I always wondered What a good, solid tase would feel like, and now I know.
I only peed a drop.
Welcome to your 40s.
Hey, I don't know about you guys, But I could really use a drink or three.
You want to head to Crowley's for one last round? Are you sure you're up for it? Yeah.
Oh, I don't know, man.
I'm sore, I can't feel my feet, And the inside of my mouth tastes like sulfur.
Am I the only one who's surprised Tonight was Mike's first tase? You guys, let's just have one drink And then call it a night, huh? Yeah, for sure.
Absolutely.
Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! I can't believe you threw me a surprise party! Oh, this is amazing! Oh, you guys rock! Thank you! You totally got me! [ laughs .]
Happy Birthday! Thank you.
You! Let's touch 'em.
Come on! Ugh.
That's all I wanted just a little bit of sugar.
[ sniffs .]
Dude, I think you peed more than just a drop.
Eh, maybe a little.
You, me.
Boop! Hey, who wants a drink? Huh? 'cause they're buying! Let's do it! [ laughs .]
[ cheers and applause .]
Did you do all this? Maybe.
It was tough, though.
You're like that annoying kid Who tears through the house before Christmas Looking for presents.
Creepy bathroom in the basement.
Check.
Found 'em every time.
Happy Birthday, Mike.
Thank you.
Hey, you guys.
Hey, Happy Birthday, Mike.
Mwah! Thank you, boopy.
Mwah! You.
[ laughs .]
ooh! I hate you.
What did I do now? You were right.
Josh turned out to be a giant toolBox.
Bag.
Well, he was both, then.
It was totally clear he didn't read my book.
And he was definitely going to ruin it.
So the deal is off.
Mm.
I'm really sorry, Steph.
I told Josh I wasn't gonna let him Turn "you're a great guy, but" Into some crappy movie.
Wow.
Good for you.
I'm sure he took that well.
He suddenly became "the Josh.
" "no one says 'no' to the Josh! The Josh is gonna bury you!" And then the Josh called me "girlfriend.
" I wouldn't call you that, and you are my girlfriend.
Hey.
Well, well, well.
Look what the panther dragged in.
I'm so sorry for bailing on you, all right? That was way out of line.
Keep talking.
The combination of beer and cake Has put me in a very charitable mood.
Well, you know, I was at the show, And I'm thinking, "hey, what the hell am I doing? This isn't right.
" So I completely blew off Hayley.
Hey, thanks a lot, man.
That means a lot to me.
You got it, buddy.
Bring it in.
[ laughs .]
All right.
Happy Birthday.
There you go, pal.
I'm gonna pass out cake.
Who wants cake?! Get your own! Ha ha! So, she bailed on you, didn't she? Yeah, yeah.
She's sleeping with one of the guys in the band.
Just didn't want to go to the show alone.
Surprise, surprise.
Well Such an idiot.
Brando, come on, dude.
I mean, a giant panther tattoo Doesn't exactly scream, "hey, I'm completely stable.
" More like, "ooh, hepatitis 'c'!" [ laughs .]
Hey, everybody, a toast to Mike! It's your birthday! All right! Hey! To old man Callahan.
Ugh! Even though he chases kids off his lawn And eats dinner at 5:00 P.
M And cuts out articles he thinks we'll all find "interesting" And is a member of the greatest generation, We still love him.
Cheers! [ indistinct shouting .]
Thanks to everybody! Hey, you guys ready to roll? Uh, yeah.
Let me close my tab out.
Cool.
Hey.
How you doing? You okay? Yeah, yeah.
You know, a little numb.
Broke.
Homeless.
On that note, actually, Can I spend the night at your place? Gosh, numb, broke, and homeless Now, that's a sexy combo.
Absolutely.
Actually, I might need to spend the next few weeks At your place.
Is that cool? Of course.
Hey, look, I know what you're going through Must be just, ugh, terrible, But you got to look on the bright side, you know? At least you're not 40.
[ laughs .]
thank God.
Ready? Yeah.
It's good to have close friends to share life's surprises with, Because no matter how much you prepare for them, Or even ask for them, they can still sneak up on you.
Thanks again.
Happy Birthday, bud.
Happy Birthday.
I'm right behind you.
All right.
Let me cash out here with you, man.
No way, Mike.
This one's on the house.
Thank you.
Hey, nice picture.
43, huh? Happy Birthday.
Thanks.