My Family (2000) s02e13 Episode Script

- Hello, Mr Harper, how are you? - Bloody awful.
Now, now, there's nothing to worry about.
We'll put you under anaesthetic, and next thing you know you'll wake up.
Oh.
You could even make major surgery sound pleasant.
Wait a minute, I am having major surgery.
Relax, you're in good hands.
Now here's your surgeon.
Oh, God.
- Oh, no.
- Hello, Dad.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no! No, no! No! Oh Thank God.
What's wrong? You've been tossing and turning all night.
Oh, dear.
I had this very peculiar dream.
Sounded more like a nightmare.
Well, it was quite pleasant really.
The kids were in it and they all had jobs.
God, that's disgusting.
Just don't squeeze it and it'll clear up on its own.
Nick's clothes are in there.
There's Nick's, there's yours, there's Michael's.
It's like Paris Fashion Week with skid marks.
Do you have to do that in here? Where we eat? Yes.
Unless you fancy doing it? No, no, that's fine, carry on.
I don't see why we can't all wash our own clothes.
Mum! That is so unfair.
You know I've got more clothes than anyone else.
The wind will change and you'll get stuck like that.
Cool.
Like that or like that? - It's just a waitressing job.
- Yeah, but in Soho.
I'm going to be discovered by a film director.
- Like Lana Turner.
- Yeah, him.
Or Guy Ritchie.
As long as you're prepared to be disappointed.
Prepared? I'm a bloody expert! Hi, Janey.
Has she got wind? No, she's going to be a film star.
Oh, yeah, what was the name of that restaurant? No wonder they call these combat trousers, it's like Apocalypse Now in here.
It's like Lawrence Of Arabia in here.
A glass of lemonade and one for the boy.
- Bloody hell! - It's only one glass.
No, not that.
Look what I found in Nick's pocket.
- Oh, my God - Must be over a thousand pounds.
- I don't understand.
- Don't you? Don't you think something smells the tiniest bit fishy? Probably Nick's boxer shorts.
No, when have you heard "Nick", "money", those two concepts linked without "Dad" and "can I borrow" attached? There's probably an explanation.
Yep, but which one? Forgery? Baby-farming? Or our old friend international arms trafficking? There you go again, negative.
He's probably looking after it for a friend.
Even worse - have you met his friends? L1,255? I found it in Nick's pocket.
Damn! I knew I should have helped you with the laundry! You did what? I saved it up.
L1,255? Think about it, Dad, all those jobs, all with severance pay.
Soon adds up.
It's not wise to keep it all in cash.
I got it out of the bank yesterday.
You have a bank account?! Actually it's an ISA.
My money works so I don't have to.
No, no, no.
I work so you don't have to.
- Oh, thanks, Dad.
- Well, that's sorted.
- Give him his money.
- Aren't we forgetting? Yes, back rent, laundry, phone bills and damage to property.
No, I meant what's he going to do with the money? That's none of our business.
But I'm sure Nick wants to show you that what he's doing is legal.
- He doesn't.
- I do.
- You're proving a stupid point.
- I'm buying a motorbike.
My point isn't as stupid as yours.
What did you just say? I'm buying a motorbike, second-hand.
A very sensible purchase, he can look for jobs, run errands - I'm forming a stunt display team.
- What?! There's me thinking he was doing something stupid! We're called The League of Mentalmen.
Oh, how could I be so wrong? Nick, erm, who-who is in this stunt display team? It's just me so far.
Oh, and Spike.
Not Blind Spike? He's not blind, he's partially sighted.
Nick, how is Spike gonna ride a motorbike being, you know, partially sighted and all that? No, I'll be doing all the riding.
Spike just sets fire to the bales of hay, technical stuff.
Please, not fire.
So your-your team your team consists of you and Spike? - And Radar.
- Who? Spike's Alsatian.
You've got a dog in your motorcycle display team? He drags dummies out of burning buildings.
And we thought the stork brought you.
I don't want to pour cold water on things No need, Mum, Spike does that as well.
Isn't it dangerous? Well, yes, it's a stunt display team.
It won't happen, he's never followed anything through - since he left your womb.
- You'll see on Saturday.
Saturday? We're hired for the Peterborough Rock Festival.
Next to the beer tent.
That's not gonna give you enough time to practice.
I thought I'd just wing it.
It'll be brilliant.
B-But surely you need some sort of qualification? All right, it'll be completely brilliant.
What? Oh, it's (Coughs) Oh, dear.
I'm just laughing at the fact of Nick, Spike, a dog and a motorbike taking the entertainment world by storm.
It's lt's Well, it tickles me.
Will it when our son is in a hospital bed? He's not gonna go through with it.
He'll crash before he gets out the gate.
Is that supposed to make me feel better? Let Nick make his own mistakes.
It's the one thing he's good at.
Exactly! And they're bigger and better than other people's.
- Whose fault's that? - Yours, of course.
- Mine? - You never gave him responsibility.
Believe me, I've tried.
It's the one thing of mine he won't take.
- It's a fad.
- What if it's not? - What if it's a career move? - Then he'll have a career.
Glad you're taking things seriously, as usual.
(Laughing) I am, I'm taking it very, very seriously.
Very, very seriously.
In fact, so seriously I'm gonna go and sleep on it.
Good night.
Janey, dear, how's the job going? - Boring.
- Oh, that's a relief.
- You're happy my job's crap? - Yes, and safe, like your father's job.
Oh, great.
Thanks! Why don't I just kill myself now? Or maybe linger for a few days.
All I'm doing is serving food to people.
Isn't that what waitressing is? Yeah, but they're just people.
Shopkeepers, office workers.
Where are the big guns? You won't be discovered on the first day.
Your first pay packet will bring a smile to your face.
- It's always money with you.
- Yes.
Or murder.
Off I go, everyone.
Wish me luck.
What do you want luck for? Ha! You're gonna get halfway down the road, realise that Scooby-Doo is on and you'll be sitting here watching it on the telly.
You're not taking this seriously.
Too right - you can't even finish the name on your jacket! Nick, don't do this.
You're my only son.
- Hey! - Apart from Michael.
I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you.
- I've got a list.
- Ben! Mum, I can't be your baby any more.
What time's Scooby-Doo on? (Laughing) - I was joking, Nick! - Oh.
Damn.
Oh, well (Engine noises) Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Harper has left the building.
Thank you very much! So what time do you get off work? - Six o'clock.
- Cool.
I was thinking maybe dinner and a movie? OK, sounds great.
And what are you going to be doing? Thought I might get plastered.
Or maybe play Doctors And Nurses.
(Laughs) Careful, Nick, I've got a rectal thermometer and I know how to use it.
Ooh, matron! - Actually, I'm a ward sister.
- Ooh, matron! Hi, guys! How are you, darling? I've got a broken arm, broken leg, three broken ribs - and whiplash.
- You complete and utter poor thing, you.
How are you feeling, dear? - Ohh Poignant.
- How the hell did this happen? It was going well until Spike added too much paraffin to the flaming wall of tyres.
I got blinded by the smoke and hit the side of a cow.
You were jumping over a cow? Not by design.
She was in the next field.
I see, so you hit a cow.
Was the cow all right? She was brilliant - the crowd went wild.
- You land on your head? - My mind's a complete blank.
Back to normal then.
Nick, look who's come to visit.
Oh.
Sir Edward Tedworth.
Remember him? - Mm.
- Give it to him, Ben.
- What? Why me? - You're his father.
I repeat, why me? I'll leave you two alone.
But Susan Susan, I've Do the voice.
Sod off.
That's not how I remember it.
Well, that's that then, so, er I'll be off and, er, so anything else you need? - Actually, there is one thing.
- Yeah? - Pass me that bottle.
- What bottle? - That bottle over there.
- Oh, right, yeah.
Er, oh I'll, er, I'll give you some privacy, OK? Hang on, Dad - I'm gonna need a little help.
Help? What do you mean, help? Duh! Well, I'm not, er Come on, Dad, I don't ask a lot.
- Yeah, it's, er - Do this one thing for me.
All right.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
I meant call a nurse.
Haven't you finished washing your hands? Believe me, there isn't enough soap in the world.
I don't know, Ben, the house seems strange somehow.
Yes, it is strange, it's a strange house.
I meant with Nick not being here and Janey working evenings.
Oh, well, more food for us, I suppose.
It dawned on me how serious Nick's accident was.
We're all missing him.
I used to sneak my food onto his plate.
That's the idea, keep our spirits up with humour.
It wasn't a joke.
I suppose this is how it's going to be one day.
Yeah, quiet.
I hope little Janey's all right out there.
Little Janey?! Restaurants can be dangerous places.
Little Janey once punched a hole through a door because someone used her Donna Karan T-shirt to strain his home-brew.
(Chuckles) Dear little Nicky.
Dear little Nicky? It's like being in a Dickens novel! Eat up, Tiny Tim, Mr Scrooge gonna come round later - with a big bowl of gruel.
- There's more?! - Where are you going? - Chess club.
- Where?! Who with?! - He asked me, I said it was OK.
You sent my other son into the jaws of death.
It's a chess club.
It may be reasonably safe.
- You don't know that.
- Relax, will you? We do not live in a risk-free world.
(Sighs) I suppose you're right.
We can't wrap our children up in cotton wool.
Rope, maybe.
We can watch them like hawks, take every precaution possible, but they can get knocked down just crossing the road.
Michael! I'll drive you there! (Susan) Leave it! - Congratulations, Janey.
- Why? You're already in line for your third warning.
(Sneers) Yeah, yeah.
- Table eight are ready to order.
- This affects me how? Paramount Europe are important customers! Paramount! Right! Hello, I'm Janey, I'll be serving you this evening.
- I wouldn't mind a service! - (Janey laughs hysterically) Oh, that's wonderful.
Would you like a drink? - Your place or mine? - (Janey laughs hysterically) - Just four beers, please.
- Four beers! (Laughs) - Yes.
- Right.
Four beers.
Coming right up! Er Do you mind if I ask you something? Sure! Are you producing any blockbusters? - Eh? - You know, action-adventure or maybe romantic comedies? Oh, right - Paramount.
Very good! - Sorry? - We're not the film company, we're Paramount Cavity Wall Insulation.
Unit Six, Trentham Business Park.
And we want four beers.
I want a movie career, so we're both stuffed.
There's nothing but stuffing.
No, I know that's where I kept it.
Hello! I'll come and collect the tray when you're finished.
Mum, did someone take something out of Sir Edward Tedworth? Maybe.
- How are you, dear? - At the moment, ripped off.
Oh, what's that? That is macaroni cheese and jelly with little sprinkles.
You poor thing.
I know how awful hospital food can be.
It can be, but fortunately this is a good hospital - delicious! Nonsense, I've got just the thing to cheer you up.
Oh! Cold ratatouille! A new dish in your honour.
- I don't know what to call it.
- I'll think of something.
I know - frappatouille surprise.
More like a nasty shock.
Let's get you adjusted first.
- (Grunts) - There we go.
Isn't this sweet? Like the old days when it was Little Nicky and Mummy.
- Comfy? - Yes.
And scared.
I wouldn't wonder after that stunt you pulled.
- You won't be doing that again.
- Er Er? What do you mean, er? Mum, we are a hit.
The League of Mentalmen are booked solid! Haven't you learnt anything? Yeah - end on an explosion, the crowds love it.
When your father says you're an idiot, he's right.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
- And look where you ended up.
- Yeah.
Push a button, a nurse appears.
Don't be stupid! You'll think better with some food in you.
- I won't.
- Well, eat something anyway.
Come on.
Now, a spoonful for Mummy I'm not a baby.
OK.
Here comes the aeroplane.
(Engine noises) Open the hangar! (Laughs) I remember that face - you want more! Here we go.
What are you doing? - What does it feel like? - Like you're trying it on.
That's what I'm doing.
- There's a time and place for that.
- That's right, in bed at night.
How can you even think about it? I'm not just thinking, there's some action involved too.
Our son is flat on his back, drugged to the eyeballs.
Funny how things never change.
He's got multiple fractures.
And he's still as chirpy as ever.
- He's putting on a brave face.
- It's the stupid face that gets me.
You wouldn't say that if he'd lost an arm.
Susan, if he ended up as a disembodied head in a jar he'd still be wearing that inane grin.
He's unstoppable.
And so am I.
Do you think I'm the slightest bit interested in sex after what you've done? - What, me? - This is all your fault.
Oh, it's my fault.
Oh, right, yes, of course! I bought the motorbike, hired a blind assistant and drove through a wall of burning tyres into an Aberdeen Angus.
Spike is partially sighted.
- I can't talk to you.
- Because you feel guilty.
Guilty? I haven't done anything.
Exactly.
You don't engage with him, you ignore him whenever possible.
When have you told Nick how you feel about him? I'm always telling him how I feel about him! - How do you feel? - Before you started this, horny.
Seriously.
Have you ever told Nick that you love him? Are you completely insane? Why can't you say the words? Are you afraid people will laugh? No.
It's just You know.
You just you sort of feel naked.
I've seen you naked and I haven't laughed.
Much.
You can say it to me, can't you? Of course.
Well? Go on.
There's just us.
No one will criticise.
OK.
- I love you.
- Is that the best you can do? - Mm.
- Let's try it again.
All right.
I love you.
Come on, once again, with feeling.
I love you.
I love you.
And I love you.
Whoo I love you.
Good, now say it to Nick.
No sex for you.
Good night.
What? (Buzzer) Sorry, false alarm.
Another sponge bath? - Hi, Nick.
- All right, Dad? Yeah, I I brought you some more plums.
It wasn't that sort of accident.
I've been l've been having a little chat with your mum.
- I'm with you.
You not getting any? - No, I No, I Look, Nick, I'm sorry, OK? I, erm, have to admit, the last time I came and saw you like that I just got angry.
Yeah, look - Sir Edward tried to kill himself.
Oh And then I thought back to when I was your age.
And I just thought Well, come on, you know, I was a bit reckless, you know? - I got into a few scrapes.
- You? - Yeah.
- You were my age? - Bet you never ended up like this.
- It's funny you should say that because one summer, and I've never told your mother this but, er, I went round to my friend, Roger Bilbo's, and, er, he lived near a very, very busy railway line.
And he had this rickety old tree house, yeah, and we were a bit big to go into it by then but on a dare we took a paraffin stove and some matches and And, er Well (Chuckles) What we didn't know was that Roger Bilbo's dad had chosen that day to take the chainsaw to the lower branches.
- And Phew, yeah.
- Go on, Dad, what happened? Well, you know, we got a pretty stern ticking off, I can tell you.
Oh, the recklessness of youth.
Yeah, right, yeah, I Yeah, I should've been more reckless in my youth like you.
I don't choose to do these things, I'm just me and you're you.
Put 'em together, result - magic.
- Oh, God.
- So what did Mum say? - Mum? - You said you'd had a talk.
Oh, yeah, we've had a little talk and, erm Look, Nick, the thing is, you know, I mean, we've had our ups and downs, and, erm See, there's something I should've said - that I never have.
- Ooh.
Look, this is not easy for me, OK, and Go on, Dad, you've got me on tenterhooks.
- What I want to say is - Yes? I I mean Yes, go on, say it! I Michael's joined a chess club.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
I know that wasn't easy for you to say.
No.
Enjoy your plums.
See you.
(Gasps) Ow.
Excuse me, we ordered slimline tonics.
Slimline? Talk about locking the stable door.
- Could you just bring them? - You're just like my mum.
Excuse me? Right, so that's a slimline tonic to go with your slimline foie gras, slimline steak and kidney pie and slimline chips.
And may I recommend the slimline sticky toffee pudding? - I don't like your attitude.
- I don't like taking orders.
- You're a waitress.
- Do you have to remind me?! - Janey, I'll sort this out.
- Yeah, fat chance.
I'm fired, aren't I? That's nice, Janey.
You may have a future in graphic design.
That's right, Mum, rub it in.
Anyway, Kate Moss was discovered walking down the street.
George Michael was discovered in a lavatory.
- Shut your face.
- Worthy of Mamet at his best! (All cheer) - Welcome home! - This is nice! Where's the stripper? - I was joking, OK? - Oh.
We thought they weren't going to let you out for a few more days.
- So did I but I got thrown out.
- Out of hospital? I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It was an operating theatre.
- I was hanging with the guys.
- They were heart surgeons.
It's good to have you back.
- Miss me? - No, Mum's ordering pizza.
Cool! Nice banner, Janey.
- Thanks, I worked hard on it.
- Even Janey cares.
Well, Spike says he can have the bike as good as new in three days.
If he can find the wheels.
Ben, do something before he kills himself! It's show business, it's in your blood! Like septicaemia.
How can we persuade you to give up this stunt crap? Erm How about a nice big hug and a kiss.
- Seriously.
- I am serious, Dad.
- What? - Go on, Ben.
You asked him what he needs and he's told you.
- Yeah, but I - Go on, Dad.
Yeah.
And the kiss.
A proper one.
- Wow! - Unbelievable.
Yeah.
Bleurgh.
So are we gonna give up all this stunt stuff, yeah? No more fires? - I'm getting rid of the bike.
- Thank God.
- I'm buying a microlight.
- An aeroplane? That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard! I got the idea from you.
"Look out for the aeroplane.
" (Engine noises) Open the hangar.
What?! We ordered those pizzas an hour ago! - Where the hell are they?! - I'm hungry! Harper, yes.
No, not Harpo, Harper.
- I'm hungry! I'm hungry! - H-A-R Oh, shut up, Michael! - You can't have a bigger allowance.
- I need it! I'm not working! Oh, good, we get cold, stale pizzas for free! I'm hungry! - Is it April the 1 st? - I'm hungry! I'm hungry! Well, you can take your pizza and stick it up your bread oven! - With extra pepperoni! - I'm hungry! Whoa! Whoa! - (Susan) Coo-ee! - What?! Oh, dear.
Sacked another assistant then?