My Family (2000) s03e06 Episode Script

I know a lot of you are thinking that periodonture can be a boring subject, but, in fact, I'm here to tell you that it can be very very M-M-Michael, what's a hip word for "hip"? There is no hip word for "hip".
"Hip" hasn't been hip for years.
Yo, I'm jiggy with it.
I told you to stop watching MTV.
You were more fun before you could speak.
I'm trying to spice up this speech I'm giving to the Central London Dental Association.
OK? And my subject is Teeth As Fashion.
Hah! Should be a gas.
Yeeh! Gas.
You get that? You get it? Nitrous oxide? OK.
Won't use that, then.
Be of good cheer! For in this place born will He be, that shall save us from sorrow's sear, both even and morn.
Sir, wit ye well.
The time is near.
He will be born.
You're not pregnant, are you? The community theatre is doing the mystery plays.
I'm auditioning for Mary.
Just to be clear, you're not up the duff? Ben, you have no appreciation for the arts.
- I love Jackie Chan.
- Martial arts don't count.
Would ye like toast with thy cereal? I'm begging you, send me to boarding school.
OK.
And how about more coffee for ye, gruff innkeeper? Oh, thanks, lusty wench.
- Ow! - When will you get that tooth seen to? It's fine.
It's just sensitive to hot and cold and lukewarm.
And air.
You're being such a baby about seeing the dentist.
Other dentists don't have my people skills and gentle touch.
Other dentists don't start their checkups with, "Is it safe?" So, you plan to spend the rest of your life in pain? Worked for me so far.
Anyone seen the keys to our car? It is not our car.
It is my car.
Fine.
Anyone seen the keys to "my car"? Forget it.
- Remember last time you borrowed it? - I got lost.
What? You ended up in Pamplona for the running of the bulls! - All the tyres were gored.
- Can I help it if the car is red? - I need it to get to a job interview.
- What? Oh, God! Here are the keys.
Great.
It's for a senior accounts manager at a bank.
That's wonderful, Nick.
It's not our bank, is it? Why would a bank even consider you? Because of my last job, running a financial planning department.
Nick, your last job was at Pizza Hut.
Yeah, but they don't know that.
- What time is your interview? - Three.
But I want to be late.
I don't want them to think I'll be on time every day.
Fine.
But could you drop me at my audition? All right.
But you really should get a car of your own.
Why did we have him? Because I didn't know that "a quickie" meant that you'd be that fast.
(# Pop on radio) - May I help you? - I'd like a lemon poppy-seed muffin.
Oh.
This is the last one.
Half price.
- How's the new job? - Great.
All the muffins I can eat.
- Want one? - No, thanks.
I've got a date with Sophie.
How do I look? - Incredible.
- That good, huh? No.
That you actually have a date.
- There she is.
- Who's that with her? He could be her brother.
- Close family.
- Shut up.
Oh.
We'll take two mochaccinos.
It's it's me, Michael.
- Weren't we meant to be on a date? - I am on a date.
I meant together.
I thought I called and said I was seeing someone else.
Nope.
You didn't.
So, we still on, then? Ow.
Ow.
Ow! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
(Crowd cheering on TV) Is that you, Susan? I am so glad to be home! I'm so glad you're home, too.
Could you pass the remote? Nick forgot to pick me up.
I had to get a lift with the three wise men.
They kept getting lost! I was watching that.
- I've seen it.
- I haven't.
Do you want to waste your life in front of the telly - or talk about my audition? - Are they mutually exclusive? I went in cool as a cucumber and hit them with my best stuff.
I was the most incredible Mary.
I was maternal.
Long-suffering.
Passionate.
Yet full of grace.
By the end, the director was so mesmerised by my performance he sat there, speechless.
Oh.
And then the idiot gave the part to Julie Radcliffe.
No! Yes! Julie Radcliffe got Mary! It didn't hurt that she was barely wearing anything and prancing all over the stage.
She may as well have done a lap dance.
- What part did you get? - Shepherd number two! How could that stupid director cast Julie Radcliffe as the Virgin Mary? I can act circles around her.
Can you imagine Julie as a virgin? What about my humiliation do you find so amusing? - Susan, Susan.
Hey, hey - Get - You are a wonderful actress.
- No.
Remember after Nick was born, you swore - and you were so convincing - you swore to me that we would never have any more children? I am good, aren't I? Hey you're the best.
- Well, I do have one line.
- Let's hear it.
OK.
Lo, the Saviour has come.
I got goose pimples.
You know, I'm gonna make the best damn shepherd London's ever seen! Yes! Hello.
Oh, my God! No, Dad, it's me, Nick.
Guess what, Mum.
I got the part of Jesus.
- What? - I looked for you after the interview, and I ran into the director.
He said I had the perfect quality of innocence and naivety.
At first I thought he was coming on to me.
But then he said I had to play the lead! It's a miracle.
It would have been a miracle if you'd got the job at the bank.
There must be a mistake.
You don't have the training for an amateur production.
When I was younger, I played Rum Tum Tigger at the Theatre in the Park.
It was a car park.
So, let me get this straight.
You got Jesus and I got shepherd number two? Yeah.
Cool, huh? Hey You should see the woman playing my mum.
Ding dong! And so I say to you, throw away your designer jeans and hip-hop trainers because, fellow tooth designers, fashions come and go, just like wives.
Pause for laughter.
Because a beautiful smile is always in style.
Yes! - Yes.
What d'you think? - I think I got screwed.
Excuse me? I got shepherd number two and I had to listen to your speech.
Susan, shepherd number two is much better than shepherd number three.
- There isn't one.
- At least you're not a leper.
The leper has five lines.
Yeah, but no fingers.
There's no point in trying to cheer me up.
- I'm just a sad little shepherd.
- OK.
All right.
- I know what'll cheer you up.
- I'm not in the mood.
Come on, fake it.
You know, think of it as acting practice.
D'you think I'm being stupid? No.
No.
No, I think you're being jealous.
Of Julie Radcliffe? Fat chance! - Not of Julie.
Of Nick.
- What? It's only natural.
You go in there and act your heart out and come out as shepherd number two.
Nick strolls in, scratches his arse and ends up as the Saviour.
- I'd be jealous.
- I am not jealous.
- If you're not mature enough to say it - I'm immature? Who's afraid to go to the dentist? "Don't make me see the bad man!" I'm not afraid.
I'm just cautious.
- Fine.
And I'm not jealous of Nick.
- Oh.
I just came in to remind you to say your prayers.
I just did and you're still here.
Hey, Mum, you wanna run lines with me? Sure.
"Lo, the Saviour has come.
" That's it for me.
Hey, Dad, that Jesus had a really good thing going.
That water into wine thing - genius.
No wonder he was so popular.
He was crucified by the Romans.
What did they have against wine? It wasn't about the wine! What I mean was that there were other reasons involved Nick, dear.
That's right.
Like they were jealous.
Could you excuse us? We need to have a little chat about shutting up.
Yeah, all right.
I've got to go and turn some wine into water.
No, no.
Don't you mean water into wine? No.
OK.
I'll admit that I'm a little jealous of Nick if you'll admit that you're afraid to go to the dentist.
OK, deal.
Come on, then.
After three.
- (Both) One, two, three.
- I'm jealous of Ni I'm glad you got that off your chest.
- Save me some cereal or else - Or else what? I'll send you to hell.
I live here.
You think hell is a threat to me? (Hammering) Shut up! Take that stupid costume off.
I'm a method actor.
When I put this on I become the Son of God.
Really? You can be his problem for a while then.
- Good morning.
- (Hammering) Good morning, Nick, dear.
I thought about what you said about training.
So I've been brushing up on my carpentry.
- Oh, it's it's lovely.
- It's a birdhouse.
Once the birds use it, they'll never want to leave.
They won't be able to.
They'll be impaled.
Can you handle coffee with that tooth? My tooth is fine.
- Ow.
- What was that? - Michael.
- Agh! Agh - See? - You're getting that tooth fixed.
- Allow me to heal it.
- No.
Get off! You're not touching my tooth.
Oh, ye of little faith.
Oh.
Let me top you up.
No, I'm trying to cut down on caffeine.
- I'll make you some decaf.
- Susan, my tooth is fine.
- Prove it.
- OK, watch.
Look.
See? S It's no - Good.
Let me give you some more.
- I'll see a dentist, OK? Why don't you see your old mentor, Roger Bailey? You trust him.
You've already made the appointment.
- Yes.
- So why the coffee torture? Well, I enjoyed it.
Oops.
What's he got that I haven't? Well, for one thing, Sophie.
You asked.
Give me a double-shot espresso and cafe mocha chaser with skimmed milk.
- Hello, stick boy.
- What are you doing here? I'm back for a party.
But don't tell Mum and Dad you saw me.
Don't look now.
That guy over there keeps waving at me.
Maybe he wants you to take his order.
Oh.
- You look like you just got dumped.
- I did.
- See that girl over there? - The one with the really cute guy? You're not helping.
She doesn't even know I'm alive.
First you've gotta get her to notice you.
How? I usually sleep with their best friend.
Her best friend's her pony.
You've got to make her jealous.
OK? Just find a girl to pretend she likes you.
Or in your case, pay her.
Abi, would you pretend to be my girlfriend? - That is disgusting.
- Why? Because we're related? No.
Cos you're a geek.
Right this way, Mr Harper.
Mr Harper? Trippy troppy.
Welcome to our little tooth factory.
Who are you? What? You're not Roger.
Where's Roger? Roger deals with me.
- He doesn't know.
- He doesn't know.
- You don't know.
- We've established that.
I'm Roger Junior.
Roger's son.
My father passed away six months ago.
Oh, really? We sent notices to all his patients.
I threw it in the bin.
I thought it was another reminder.
A "You're due for a checkup" card.
Like a reminder to jump off a cliff.
I'm very sorry about your father.
Never mind.
You're in good hands.
I've just qualified and I'm eager as a beaver.
- I hope this is a good idea.
- Relax.
Everything will be just fine.
Yeah.
Oh, my Oh, my God! You've got a clown painted on your ceiling.
Yes.
That's Bobo.
It's for the kids, mainly.
Bobo's got a bulbous red nose and nice white teeth.
I think Bobo likes you.
I don't like Bobo.
Don't worry, Mr Harper.
You're dealing with a professional.
OK.
I am going to need Frodo.
And Gandalf.
And have Aragorn ready, just in case.
I've named all my instruments - after Lord of the Rings characters.
- Where did you train? Hamleys? Right.
To the gates of Khazad-Dum! - Agh! Ow! - Frodo's found an Orc! - Excellent.
- I'm leaving.
What did your father die of? Embarrassment? - (Susan) I'm home! - Oh! Hello! - How was your rehearsal? - Wonderful.
I'm really starting to make the character my own.
- That's good.
Good.
- Yes.
I've been practising my sheep calls.
Baa-aa! Baa-aa-aa! That's amazing.
Dinner will be late.
I'm going out into the garden to lie on the lawn and bleat.
Baa-aa-aa! (Whistles) Come by! Baa-aa-aa! Baa-aa! Wow, Mum, I thought Dad was in here with a sheep! That's great! - She's terrible.
- You just said she was great.
I know how to act.
- Dad, I need your help.
- I'll get the nails.
No, it's Mum.
I don't know if you've noticed, but she can be a bit controlling.
What? Your mum? No, no, no.
No.
You can't be Surely you don't mean No, you must mean some different Susan.
Hello? - What are you doing? - Checking you for a wire.
Oh.
No, it's true.
She won't take direction.
She tells everybody how to say their lines.
- Well, you know your mother.
- She made Pontius Pilate cry.
She's gonna get sacked.
No.
It's community theatre.
I pay my council taxes.
They owe me.
- Tell her to lighten up.
- Why me? - You're her husband.
- You're her son.
- You were her husband first.
- Not necessarily.
- You calling me a bastard? - Every day.
Fine.
If you're not man enough to talk to her I will.
- Good.
- Mum! Dad wants to talk to you.
Sorry I didn't call you last night.
I was on a really hot date.
Oh, I didn't notice because so was I.
She thinks I'm really mature.
She's older, you know.
Oh, your baby-sitter? - I'm going.
- Michael - What? - Is that how you say goodbye? - What d'you mean? - After last night.
What did you do last night? I was with you snake hips.
Abi, people are looking.
Do you think I care? I've never been with a man like you before.
I'm addicted to your lips.
Please! Please! Don't go! Michael, wait! Loser.
I forgot something.
Thank you.
I've realised my line may be the pivotal moment of the play.
After all, without it, nobody knows who's coming.
- What's that you're drinking? - Nothing.
Er, just a glass of pizza.
- So you didn't go to the dentist.
- I did actually, but he was dead.
- Well, isn't that convenient? - No, not for him.
Fine.
Then suffer.
But I'm working out the back story for my character.
- I thought you were a shepherd.
- No.
I'm not just a shepherd.
I was born on a farm near Bethlehem.
I wanted to be a potter, but had to go into the family business when my father was stoned to death for stealing a chicken.
- Aren't you over-thinking it? - That's what the director says! Well, maybe Maybe he's right.
Then why do I have to keep correcting him? Susan, I say this with great respect and love, but have you ever thought of the remote possibility - that someone else might be right? - Yes.
But then the moment passes.
Nick, you're not in this scene.
- Oh, righto.
- OK, let's begin.
Susan.
Look! What light blazes on the horizon, illuminating the night sky like the midnight sun? - Susan - Is it the end of the world? - Or the coming of Our Saviour? - Susan! I'm working! I thought we agreed, after much deliberation, that your line was "Lo, the Saviour has come.
" - I changed that.
- I noticed.
- Could you read it as written? - It won't be as good.
I mean, "Lo, the Saviour has come.
" Who talks that way? Shepherds.
Shepherds just say "Hey, sheep, nice eyes.
" Your line sounds so dated.
Well, it is set 2,000 years ago.
So is Jesus Christ Superstar, but Lloyd Webber still added guitars.
For the fifth time, you're not going to sing.
Just do the line as written.
Fine.
Fine.
Far be it from me to improve your little play.
Places, everyone.
Lo! The Saviour has come! Stop! What are you doing? Saying the line as written.
Where is it written that you waltz over and assault the other shepherd? So it's not just what I say, you're telling me how to perform.
Look, Susan, I don't think this is working out.
No.
You're right.
Perhaps you should try children's theatre.
- Get out.
- Oi! Give her another chance, dude.
- Mum, just do the line.
- No, that's all right, Nick.
I'm not gonna be one of his sheep to be herded any which way he likes.
No offence, Ellie.
You make a fine sheep.
Cheers.
Look, either do as you're told or leave.
Simple as that.
OK.
But I'm walking out in protest.
No, you're not.
You're being fired.
- If she goes I go.
- Really? Yeah, but only after we do the Last Supper.
I'm starving.
So? - Goodbye.
- No, wait.
I was only bluffing.
Can't you do this one thing for me? I gave birth to you.
And it wasn't immaculate.
Fine.
Why am I always the one who has to sacrifice himself? "Just relax.
We'll have this tooth out in no time.
" Agh! A little more anaesthetic.
OK.
One quick pull and it's over.
(Laughs) Sounds like my first date.
More anaesthetic, I think.
I've been on my feet all day.
- D'you want to rub them for me? - Go away.
Can't you see I'm working? Good to be your own boss.
I was looking for the best dentist in London - the best dentist is me.
You are drunk, aren't you? I'm not drunk.
I'm anathe I'm anisa I'm not drunk.
See? - Can I help? - No.
- Can I watch? - No.
You may want to leave.
- There's liable to be a lot of blood.
- Oh, that's OK.
- Yours.
- Fine.
Then I'm not gonna let you rub my feet.
(Laughing) Ooh, yes! (Slurring) OK, Harper this is it.
It's gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.
Aagh (Gruffly) Got ya! (Muffled) One.
(Grunts) - I said sorry.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- You said to turn the other cheek.
- I didn't mean moon the director.
- Oogh! - Oh, Ben (Groaning) Oh, wow! It's a miracle.
It's only us.
You've knocked out my tooth.
I told you to have faith in me.
It's the wrong tooth! - Ben.
Ben! No! - (Spluttering) Forget your bloody This has been a long morning and you want to get to lunch, but now our keynote speaker, Ben Harper, will speak to us on Teeth As A Fashion Statement.