My Family (2000) s03e11 Episode Script

I can't believe it.
My little boy going off on his first Higher Maths Fun Weekend.
- Mum! I'm 15.
- Ah, 15, the square root of 135.
Oh.
Higher Maths Fun Weekend? Words I never expected to hear in the same sentence.
- That's not a sentence, it's a phrase.
- Here's another phrase - shut up.
- That's good.
I'm nearly laughing.
- Ha, ha! If anybody suggests something or offers you something you think is wrong Correct their calculations and hand it back.
- One day I'll be big enough to hit you.
- Oh, yeah? - Bye, dear.
- Bye.
Well, that's that then.
- That's the last of them.
- Yup.
No more kids for the whole weekend.
(# Samba) Oh, baby! Oh, yes! Take 'em off, kid.
Let's go.
- Where shall we start? - The living room.
That's too obvious.
- The kitchen.
- Yeah no.
Let's not run before we can walk.
The cupboard under the stairs.
I don't know.
It smells of bleach.
How about Nick's room? - Are you serious? - We said every room.
- I know, but Nick's room? - You're right.
Best not go ugly early.
- I know.
Our bedroom.
- Our bedroom.
OK.
Hey! Tequila! That's one down.
- Lovely.
- Yeah.
- So where next? The kitchen? - Yeah! Yeah.
Could be.
We don't want to peak too early.
Save some for later, yeah? But if we do it now, we could do it all again tomorrow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Give me a couple of minutes, eh? - I could do with a break myself.
- Really? You too? No.
I was trying to spare your feelings.
There's no need.
No.
There's no problems in that department, I can assure you.
Just give me the word when you're ready.
Now? - Fancy a cup of tea? - Yeah.
Well, this makes a change.
We've got a whole free weekend ahead of us.
Yup.
A whole weekend.
Minus four and a half minutes.
OK.
Sorry.
That's all right.
So what are we going to do? Clear out the garage? Fix that dodgy window? - We should be having fun.
- Lead me to it, Susan.
Well, I've made a mental list.
We could go looking for antiques, shopping for organic vegetables and finish with Tate Modern.
Yup, yup, yup.
That's That is a mental list.
- What's wrong with Tate Modern? - You take tours there.
- But that's work.
This is fun.
- Believe me, for me, it's work.
All right.
Let's stay here and put photos in the album.
Oh, that's great! Oh, yes! Oh, I'm sick with excitement.
More fun than a sailor's birthday.
On a scale of fun to ten, that's fun, fun All right, all right.
I take your point.
It's a bit rich coming from a man who stores his CDs in alphabetical order.
I do that so I don't waste time looking for them.
That is so sad.
Don't you want the thrill of stumbling across something unexpected? No.
Especially if it's one of your Joni Mitchell albums.
- I like Joni Mitchell.
- There's a section for your albums.
Where I don't have to look.
But they always seem to end up in my section.
- Isn't that part of being married? - Yeah, the annoying part.
Remember when we first merged our record collection? I knew it was the real thing when we gave away a copy of Sergeant Pepper.
Yes.
Mine, as I recall.
Mine was a present from an old boyfriend.
Anyway, you'd cut out all the badges and the cardboard moustache.
- Why is this here? - Steely Dan.
That's yours.
Yes.
It's one of mine and it's filed under C instead of S.
Maybe it's filed under title.
The title is Pretzel Logic.
It's filed under C.
Well, they probably filed it under C for CD.
Very good.
You're bluffing.
It's a stupid system anyway.
Look, the T section's full up.
You can't buy any more artists who begin with T.
- I don't like any artists beginning with T.
- Why not? It spoils the system.
Right.
So you don't want to do the photo album? - No.
- So we'll go to Tate Modern.
No.
All right.
What do you want to do? Me? Yes.
It's a golden opportunity to do the thing you've always wanted.
Great.
- What are you doing? - What I've always wanted.
A day in which nothing is accomplished is a day wasted.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Don't you want us to do something to enrich our lives? No.
I want to lie here and gain enough strength to get through next week.
So you want to do nothing, basically.
I want to do nothing and you're the person I want to do nothing with.
Basically.
You're ruining my plans for this weekend.
There you go.
Plans.
Plans.
Why can't you be spontaneous? Bloody hell! - Did you see that coming? - What's wrong with you? I'm married to a slug.
- As we'll be on the South Bank - We're not.
Look.
It's Gilbert and George.
I hate country and western.
Gilbert and George the artists at Tate Modern.
I hate them too.
If we're going to see pictures, let's see moving pictures.
Look.
Look, look Ah.
Ah, the new James Bond movie or Reservoir Dogs.
Can't see a film in the hours of daylight.
It's immoral.
- They've re-released The Piano.
- Really? - Let's go to that.
- No.
That's a joke.
Do you really think I want to see The Piano? - No, but I do.
- That's why it's a joke.
It's not a joke now.
We're going to see The Piano.
No, I'm not going to see The Piano.
Ah, here we go.
Look at this.
Critical Mass.
Nuclear thriller.
- Oh, no.
- It's got George Clooney in it.
Oh Oh? Oh, he plays a child psychologist fighting the closure of a daycare centre.
- Let's got and see that.
- Result.
For the love of God! The film starts in 15 minutes.
- I just want to wash up.
- What the hell for? - We'll only have to do it later.
- Then do it later.
I don't like leaving a mess.
It doesn't matter.
We won't be here.
- Nobody will be here.
- Burglars might.
Then dirty cups will be the least of our worries.
They won't say, "What a tidy house.
Better not mess it up.
" - All burglars are different.
- Oh, for God's sake, come on! I'm coming Oh, damn! - Where's the glue? - Oh, Susan, please! Susan, we're got ten minutes to get there, park the car, buy tickets - If we leave now, we'll make it.
- Yes, but we're not leaving now.
OK.
It's too late.
Nonsense.
The paper says the programme starts at 1:45.
- Yup.
That's in eight minutes.
- That's the programme.
The film won't start till five past two.
Unless you want to see the trailers.
Yes, I want to see the trailers and I want a decent seat and I want a Pepsi and I want to use the loo.
- You're a real film buff.
- No.
I'm a comfort buff.
- We're not going to make it, are we? - No.
You had to argue.
- Me? - There you go again.
And I really wanted to see that film.
If it's any consolation, I made up the bit about the child psychologist.
- Oh.
- And the daycare centre.
Yes, but George Clooney was in it.
No.
- So it was just a nuclear thriller? - Yeah.
With Michelle Pfeiffer.
- Let's go for a walk in the park.
- What for? There is no "what for" in a walk in the park.
The walk is the what for.
OK.
I'll get my walking stick, you get the car blanket.
I'll wheel you there.
Why don't we just die of old age now? You're always going to the park - at least that's what you say.
If you really knew me, you'd know that "park" was code for "pub".
- So are you? - What? - Going to the pub.
- No need.
Kids are away.
So the walk's off then? - No, no.
You can go on your own.
- Can't we do something together? We are doing something together.
I'm reading the paper and you're blithering away in the background.
I think you'd be happier if I wasn't here.
No, no, no.
You are wrong.
Said with great conviction, I'm sure.
- More spontaneity? - No, I planned that one.
All right.
I'm sorry.
What do you suggest we do together? I've suggested loads of things - Tate Modern, antiques, photo album.
- How about you? - OK.
Let me think No.
Can't think of anything.
Please be a bit more enthusiastic.
What did we do before we had kids? - Bathroom? - Tiles are too cold.
Yeah.
- Shed? - Splinters.
Ben Ben, wake up.
Hi, babe.
How was it for you? How was what? - Hm? - We didn't do anything.
What? The minute your head hit the pillow, you were out.
Oh.
Oh So that bit about the yogurt and mashed potato Was a dream.
- You were in it.
- That makes me feel much better.
Holding the coats.
Mashed potato and yogurt? - Was it real mashed potato? - Of course it wasn't real.
It was a dream.
- Good night.
- What are you doing? I want to find out what the artichoke was for.
(Man on TV) 'Ere, I want a word with you.
(Second man) I want a word with you.
- No.
I want a word with you.
- No.
I want a word with you.
- No.
I want a word with you.
- No.
I want a word with you.
- Susan.
- No.
I want a word with you.
- No, I - Oh, hello, dear.
I know.
Let's light a fire.
- Why? It's summer.
- It's romantic.
(Banging and crashing) Damn.
No firelighters.
We'll go shopping for firelighters.
Wow.
You really live on the edge.
Hey, let's rock and roll.
Spoken by a man whose idea of a thrill is opening a packet of crisps before he's checked the flavour.
"Oh, cheese and onion! Yum, yum, yum!" You're wrong.
They're salt and vinegar.
You know what I don't understand about you? I really don't understand why you can't just be instead of do.
After all, as a wise man once said, "We're human beings, not human doings.
" Human doings seems to fit the bill in your case.
When will you learn to enjoy doing nothing? When will you learn that women are hard-wired for multitasking? Hey, I can multitask.
Look.
Eating crisps, watching the telly.
Reading the paper.
And and ignoring you.
What are you doing? Firelighters.
Susan Stop it.
Give me that.
Give me that.
Stop it.
Now listen Here's something we can do together.
- What? - I'm going to teach you how to relax.
- Relax? - Yes.
It's fun.
You're going to like it.
Now Sit down here.
Come on.
Just sit.
No.
That's not good.
Lean back and let the cushions welcome you with their warm embrace.
Yeah No, give in to it.
Yeah No, something's missing.
There.
OK? Feel those cushions.
Yeah.
Now, how's that? I want a glass.
No.
Getting a glass means getting up and you do not get up during a slob-out.
OK.
After three One, two, three And lift.
And swig.
And rest.
(Burps) That's not compulsory.
I'm so tense.
What is it with you? You always want everything now.
It's taken me years to develop these skills.
It's no good.
I need something to do.
I need something to do! - (Phone) - Thank God, the phone! Hello.
Stephanie! I'm fine.
How are you? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And Jeffrey? Oh, he still has the runs? What I suggest is cheese No, to eat.
They say that cheese is very binding.
Mm-hm.
No, it's an old recipe.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hm.
Uh-huh No! Oh.
Uh-huh.
Has she? Really? You wouldn't know to look at her.
Then again, I've never seen her naked.
Mm.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, it's not impossible, Stephanie.
Mm.
Mm-hm.
Well, do send her my best.
Yes, yes.
I will.
All right then, Stephanie.
Bye.
- That was Stephanie.
- You don't say? - Her mother's having a gallstone out.
- I don't know Stephanie.
You do.
She went on that over-40s beach holiday with Hilary and Audrey.
- I don't know Hilary or Audrey.
- You're so ignorant.
- Why did you do that? - Do what? - Follow me around with the phone.
- I wanted you to feel included.
It felt like Stephanie's gallstones were in the bloody room with me! They weren't Stephanie's, they were her mother's.
Don't you listen? Like I had a choice! - That grate needs cleaning.
- No.
The grate does not need - Right.
That is it.
- Where are you going? - To get some sleeping pills.
- Sleeping pills? Yup.
You seem to be at a loose end.
I think a little nap is in order.
- I'm not sleepy.
- That's why you need sleeping pills.
- You're trying to drug me.
- You wouldn't drink the beer.
All right.
Here's the deal.
Give me half an hour to do something together, then you can have the rest of the weekend to spend in whatsoever stupid way you like.
- Really? - That's the deal.
OK.
- Really? - Yup.
- Great! - Great.
So what do you want to do? I thought we might pick out some new coverings for the furniture.
Fantastic.
Right.
(Clears throat) Now, what do you think of this one? That's lovely, Susan.
Lovely texture.
- And this one? - That's lovely.
- What about this one? - Lovely.
- Ben, engage! - Sorry.
Which do you like best? - The one with the flowers.
- This one or this one? Has it been half an hour yet? - Barely 45 seconds.
- Seems like half an hour.
- Do my views count for nothing? - No.
We've got nothing in common Nothing wrong with that.
Otherwise there'd be no point in having two of us.
What is the point in having two of us? There's always that thing we talked about.
Hm? Every room in the house.
Hey We could do that together.
Don't kid yourself.
(Man on TV) It's my baby.
(Second man) No, it's my baby.
- It's my baby.
- No, it's my baby.
- It - OK.
OK.
Tell you what, let's play hide-and-seek.
- What? - Hide-and-seek.
It'll be fun.
Oh.
All right.
Whatever you do, don't look in the bedroom.
OK.
OK.
You go and hide and I'll count to four million.
- Very funny.
- Works with Nick.
Fine.
You want to play? Let's play.
Only you hide.
OK.
I'll go and hide.
I'm going to go and hide OK.
Whatever you do, don't you look in the bedroom.
OK.
One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Coming, ready or not! (Footsteps and doors banging) Oh, you found me.
OK.
Now it's your turn to hide.
I've got a better game.
It's called Hunt the Testicles.
- You know where you hid them.
- Oh, you really are! I've got a good mind to go out.
- Really? - I won't because that's what you want.
Is that so bad? Isn't that what marriage is about? - Giving you what you want? - No.
Give and take.
Right.
You give me crap and I take it.
- You give me crap and I take it.
- No, I take it.
(Man on TV) I've 'ad enough of you.
(Woman) No.
I've 'ad enough of you.
- No, I've 'ad enough of you.
- No This wouldn't have happened if we'd gone antique shopping.
Yes, it would and we'd have spent L300 for a jug with a face on it.
- There's no point in arguing with you.
- No.
- Good! - Good! - Suits me! - Suits me too! (Door slams) Su (Whirring) (Boy on TV) You are not my mother! (Woman) I am your mother! - You are not my mother! - I am your mother! You - I've just had a horrible thought.
- Me too.
This is what it'll be like when the children move out.
- The pattern for the rest of your life.
- I don't think I'll last that long.
I should have had more children.
Maybe five no nine to fill up the angry silences.
- Don't be silly.
- Oh, my God.
We'll have to adopt.
Let's do the photo album.
- Adoption - Susan, calm down.
- These things take years.
- Susan, calm down.
Stop it.
- I think I have an answer.
- Yes.
The sleeping pills.
No, not the sleeping pills.
We've got to find some common ground.
Yes, yes.
Since there's nothing we both like doing together, let's find something we both hate.
Then we'll both be miserable together.
That works for me.
Now, what are the things we absolutely hate doing? I know.
Going to visit my mother.
Descaling the downstairs toilet.
No contest.
- We'll visit my mother.
- I was going to get the rubber gloves.
Are you comparing my mother to a toilet? - Yes.
- Unfavourably.
- That's my mother.
- It's my toilet.
This is typical of you.
We go halfway to a solution and you mess it up.
- You took offence.
- You were being offensive.
Comparing your mother to a toilet? You're so thin-skinned.
- Better than being a thick idiot.
- An idiot, am I? - Let me tell you something You - What? You I'm coming up with something, OK? - While you crank your thick idiotic - You're calling me thick? - I'm not flitting around say it slowly so you'll understand - (Door slams) - Hello.
(Both) Michael! - What are you doing back? - I've been sent home.
- What for? - Nothing.
The maths teacher miscalculated the numbers, so one of us had to be left.
- Why you? - Last in, first out.
But we paid for that trip weeks ago, didn't we? I sent that cheque yesterday.
- That is so annoying.
- Yes.
Isn't it? We were enjoying a nice weekend alone.
I know, I know.
Bother.
Michael, you must be at a loose end.
Why don't I take you to Tate Modern? - I won't enjoy it.
- Not good enough.
- You'll love it.
- No, I won't.
You will because there's Gilbert and George.
- Bye, dear.
- Bye.
Nice time.
Yes! (# Samba)