My Family (2000) s04e04 Episode Script

Don't forget.
Next weekend's the Thomasons' dinner party.
Yeah, you've been reminding me for a month.
I don't want you to wriggle out of it.
What's the point in living if you can't wriggle? Honestly, sometimes I'm surprised you just don't slide off the sofa.
So, what do you want to do today? I'm doing it.
You can't do the crossword all weekend.
- Though at the rate you're going - I'm pacing myself.
I know.
Let's see that film with the three women who fall in love with the same man only to become best friends when he dies.
I feel like I've just seen it.
We could always go to the Tate.
We love the Tate.
You love the Tate.
I love the sofa.
- There are sofas at the Tate.
- Yes, but no telly.
We'll compromise.
I'll let you bring the remote.
Look, as the kids are not home, I thought you know, maybe you and I could just do, like, a little something together.
You know, just Just the two of us.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Let's convert Nick's old bedroom into a nursery for Janey's baby.
How did a day of TLC suddenly turn into a weekend of DIY? PMT.
You're always doing this to me! Look, something's got to be done about Nick's room.
That carpet in there turned out to be lino.
We shouldn't have to do up Nick's room.
We should seal it off.
The baby will need a place when Janey visits.
What's wrong with the laundry basket? (Phone) Hello? Oh, hello, Mother.
You sound happy.
What's wrong? Well, thanks so much for sharing.
Goodbye.
What did Batwoman want? She said you're dead.
She's only after my liver.
Apparently you've been listed as deceased in the obituaries.
What? What? Ah.
Here it is.
"Ben Harper.
Warm, generous and loving father.
" Well, that's obviously a mistake.
- Hang on, what was the cause of death? - Suicide.
Yup, sounds about right.
Just call the paper up and tell them it's a mistake.
Hang on.
I won't be able to go to the Thomasons' dinner party.
- What? - Well, previous engagement with death.
You will wear black, won't you? You're taking this better than I expected.
I've got the perfect excuse for doing nothing! Hey! Think of all the things I won't have to do now I'm dead! Ha! Oh, yes! - I've dreamt of this day! - Don't even joke about it.
I'm not.
God, death is liberating.
Ah, yes, I've never felt this alive.
You claim the insurance and we'll fly to Mauritius.
I'll be working on the nursery.
So will you.
Sorry, darling.
You'll have to come to terms with this.
I am at peace.
Hey, great news, kids! You're orphans.
Doo-be-doo-be Doo-be-doo-be-doo Hello, my good man.
Thought I'd do the shopping early.
Shorter checkout queues.
Now, let's see Lettuce.
Lettuce.
Lettuce Can you direct me to the fruit and veg? - I'm busy.
- Service in here stinks.
(# Humming) Ooh - Is this lasagne or fish? - What's it smell like? - Fish.
- Then it's lasagne.
If these ready meals don't improve, I shall be taking my business elsewhere.
What's Dad's best quality? His feet.
Forget I asked.
Have you seen his feet? They're exquisite.
- What are you doing? - I'm writing Dad's funeral speech.
- Why? - You haven't heard? You'd better take a seat.
I have some bad news.
Oh, my God, they've cancelled Countdown.
No, Dad's dead.
Mum finally snapped? No.
This is so sudden.
There were so many things I wanted to say to him.
- Like you loved him.
- That, too.
I suppose this means I'm lord of the manor now.
- I hardly think so.
- This is no time for infighting.
We must keep the family afloat.
Leave school.
Get a job.
We need the income.
- All right? - All right.
Dad, you came back to tell me you love me.
Nick? Nick! Please, get off.
Get off, please.
- He said you were dead.
- I am.
Pretend I'm not here.
Same as always, then? Right.
You have no idea how relieved I am.
- You have made a will? - I have.
It consists of two words.
The second word is "you".
- Good.
I'm entitled to the lion's share.
- What? Can't talk now.
Got to go upstairs to the chemist.
Pffuh! Oh, look! I've found a pizza.
Whoa! They don't even make that topping any more.
I need to microwave this.
Wow! I love what you've done with the place.
Hello, dear.
Do you like it? Yeah, what's not to like? It's all so retro.
- Thought it was time for a change.
- Yeah, couldn't agree more.
Wow.
Ooh.
- I was worried you'd be upset.
- You're kidding? I love farm animals.
Moo.
Baa-aa.
Cool.
Though I do think I'm a little old for stuffed toys.
Well, I'll keep the giraffe.
Nick, dear.
This isn't for you.
It's for Janey's baby.
But this is my room.
You've got your own place.
- Cos I moved out, I'm losing my home? - Oh, come on.
You'll always be my lickle boy.
- Coochy coochy coo.
- That's supposed to make it all better? It worked last week when you broke up with that girl.
Oh, my God, I feel faint.
Oh, God, Susan, aren't you going a bit overboard? I don't even see why we need a nursery.
For when the baby visits Groovy Gran and the Grouch.
Dad's right, man.
I want my room back.
I want my room back.
It'll be great! Just like old times.
Like days of yore.
What do you say? - No.
- I know you need time to think it over.
- No.
- I'll just fetch my things.
No, you can't stay here because, erm I've set my heart on a nursery.
You have? Yup, yup.
What do you have to do to be heard in this house? Good.
Then you can help me hang the wallpaper.
(Chuckles) You guys You've had your fun.
Where's the camera? Nick it was your idea to move out.
No, it was mine.
Credit where credit's due.
- So that's it? You're just kicking me out? - Not just.
I did it months ago.
Kick Michael out.
He's the black sheep.
You're all black sheep! - Fine, I'll just be off, then.
- OK, bye.
I think the cot should go here.
- Yup.
- Back to my cold, dark flat.
- Maybe a changing table here.
- Oh, yes.
Well, don't try and stop me.
Shall we go with fluffy clouds or rainbows? (Nick) My mind's made up.
Clouds.
Uhhh Uh uh-uh, uh uh-uh, uh, uh, uh-uh uh I'm Comin' up so you better get this party started She's comin' up, she's comin' up Comin' up so you better get this party started (Shouts) # Get this party started on a Saturday night Everybody's waiting for me to arrive Sendin' out the message to all of my friends We'll be gettin' flashy in my Mercedes Benz I got lotsa style with my gold diamond rings (Screams) You scared me.
Yeah, whatever.
Look, here's the deal.
I've got a plan to move back in, but don't tell the mother or the father.
So, what's your plan? I just told you.
"Asegure la base "del colchón en la posición más alta "correcta o más baja.
" (Spanner clangs) Ah.
Ye-sss.
OK.
"Asegure los soportes "intermedios inferiores en ambos "en ambos ambos "extremos.
" Yeah! Well, that'll keep the baby locked up.
Screwdriver.
From here Er, no, no, no.
- No, spanner.
- Psst.
Spanner? Spanner Hello? Spanner! - So what do you think? - It's a really good eulogy.
I like the part where Ben rescues Churchill from the Nazis.
Well, I had to embellish a bit.
Oh? So he didn't streak through Trafalgar Square? No, that bit's true.
Mum? Erm What do you reckon Dad's best quality is? - Me.
- Other than you.
No.
That's it.
(Doorbell) Oh, hello, Mr Gleeson.
What brings you round? I saw the news in the paper, about Ben.
Oh, that? It's nothing, really.
Don't worry about it.
- What? - It did come as a bit of a shock.
- I can imagine.
- You should have seen Ben's face! I must say, you're handling it well.
No, I'm fine, really.
Ben's upstairs.
Yes, well, he's moved on.
But what's important is you.
- No I don't think you - These are for you.
- Oh, how lovely.
Roses.
- I've always been terribly fond of you.
And now Ben's moved on, I want you to know that I'm here for you.
Well, that's very nice, but Any time of the day.
Or in the middle of the night.
- Well, that's very sweet - You're a charming, intelligent woman and, no disrespect to Ben, but he never deserved you.
Well, that is true.
If you need any help with chores, I'm right next door.
- I was noticing your lawn needs tending.
- Really? In fact, I'd be honoured to escort you at the funeral.
Maybe, after, we could go for a nice meal.
Well, th-that's very sweet but I think I might need some time on my own.
- She's a very strong woman, your mum.
- Yeah, well, it's - it's been hard on all of us.
- Michael, you're not helping.
I'll never forget his last words.
He said, "Son "if it's the last thing I do, I'll get you that Xbox.
" What? You got roses.
(Ben) Well, this takes the biscuit! So much for resting in peace.
Spot the deliberate mistake! Oh, I love these games.
I know Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
No-o! Calm down and try to speak without kicking anything.
I put this cot up and now it's unput! Do you know anything about this, Michael? - Michael? - You said to ignore you cos you're dead.
I suppose you've no idea what I'm talking about.
I never know what you're talking about.
That's why we let you live here.
- Maybe you didn't put it together right.
- I know how to put a cot together! Did you follow the instructions? I know how to put a cot together! - What are those? - Flowers.
Huh-uh! I knew what you were talking about then! Mr Gleeson heard you were dead, so he brought them over.
Oh, really? Oh, that tuppenny-ha'penny Lothario? - I'm barely dead and he's moving in? - It's not like that.
He just said he would be glad to help with any chores now that you're gone.
What? You did tell him I'm alive? I'm keeping my options open.
Does this mean I can call Mr Gleeson Dad? That's it! I'm gonna give that vulture a piece of my mind.
OK.
He's just outside mowing our lawn.
- (Whirr of mower) - Maybe I'll talk to him later.
Ahh.
(Chuckles) Ha.
(Mimics Ben) Ahh-hh.
(Chuckles) Ha.
Oh, yes.
Nope.
Ooh.
Ow.
- What's that? - Baby monitor.
That way, we can hear the baby.
The whole point in having a nursery is you don't hear the baby.
Is the merry widow enjoying her choccies? Yum, yum.
Mr Gleeson, I presume.
No, Mr Murdoch from two streets away.
Oh, great.
Now even people who don't know me are glad I'm dead.
It's your own fault.
I told you to call the paper up and have it corrected.
- I've been too busy with your nursery.
- Our nursery.
- How's it coming? - Rather brilliant.
Brilliant.
Michelangelo couldn't have done better.
lf if he could wallpaper.
Oh, yeah, makes the Sistine Chapel look like graffiti.
Wonderful.
I can't wait to see it.
Actually, I thought I might show you, erm something else.
Forget it.
I'm not into necrophilia.
Come on, come in.
- Come on! Keep your eyes closed.
- Why? The room's dark.
No, I want you to get the full Ben Harper effect, baby.
Ha! The It is the Ben Harper effect.
- Absolutely nothing's been done.
- No, no, this is weird.
- I spent all day doing this! - That's nothing to be proud of.
I did put up the wallpaper! I did put up the cot! Maybe Michelangelo took it down, maybe he was jealous.
It's ghosts.
Maybe the newspaper was right.
Maybe I am dead and nothing I do affects the physical world.
That explains Thursday night.
I wasn't dead then.
I was just tired.
Whatever.
It's like that Bruce Willis movie! When he was dead and didn't know it.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm Bruce Willis.
Fat chance.
No, you're right, I'm better-looking, but If I'm not dead, what's the explanation? I've been asking myself that for years.
(Turns stereo off) (Man) Ow-w! Ow! Nick? (Silence) (Groaning) What are you doing in here? I've moved back in.
- Under my bed.
- I'm not saying it's gonna be easy.
I mean Hiding out.
Never seeing daylight again.
Living every second of my life in fear that they might find me.
- What are you doing? - I'm putting some of my feelings down.
I call it The Diary Of Nick Harper.
I brought you some food.
But I ate it on the way up.
Sorry.
- What was it? - Takeaway Kung Po prawns with just the slightest hint of ginger.
- Oh, I bet that was good.
- Delicious.
Later on, I'm gonna sneak you up some pudding.
You're the best.
Look, Nick.
I'm sorry.
You can't stay here.
Well, maybe I could just bunk in with Abi.
No! I mean Yeah, you can.
You can stay here.
- Just for one night.
- Wicked.
- Oh, Michael - What? Do you, er still wet the bed? Oh, hello.
You must be Mr Freeman.
Yes.
Where's Mr Harper? Oh, erm He won't be coming in.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
He's passed on.
- Oh - Don't worry about it.
I'm sure he's up there right now giving God a root canal.
With extra Novocaine.
My filling fell out.
Yes, right, well Let's have a look-see.
I warn you, dentists make me nervous.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Sometimes I make myself nervous! I mean it.
The only reason I'm here is the pain is unbearable.
Listen, I have got a little something that is guaranteed to help you relax.
- "Hello! I'm Dennis the Dentist.
" - Oh, Jesus! Don't worry.
Dennis the Dentist is here to cheer you up.
"I'm here to help you.
"Now "O-o-open wide and let me come inside!" - I'd rather not.
- It'll be fun.
What the hell is going on? "Ben? You are alive!" - Dennis? - Oh, thank goodness.
What are you doing to my surgery? Eh? You've turned this into the tooth fairy's shag pad! I thought you were dead.
I just thought Well, it's such a horrible tragedy.
Why not make the best of it? Get out.
Get out.
Go on, get out! Take your smiley tooth with you.
Go on! Would it help if I say, "Oh, sorry"? No.
What about Dennis? "I'm sorry, Ben.
" Mwah! Oh! Ahh.
(Chuckle) Oh.
Ha Brilliant work, Susan.
- Need some help? - Oh, yeah, grab the other end.
I was just putting it back.
Falling off.
Do you have anything to say for yourself? - Well, your work's a bit shoddy.
- Nick? Mum, look, I'm sorry, but I just want my room back the way it was.
- With me in it.
- Nick, you've got your own place now.
Yeah, but it's not the same.
I'm paying for it.
Come on, Mum.
All the baby will do is eat and sleep here.
I need much more attention.
Oh, you do need me, don't you? Please let me come home.
Please.
Please, please, please.
Oh, Nick, you're so pathetic.
Oh, Mum Right, let me talk to your father.
What are you gonna say? Wait until I get him into bed.
I won't have to say anything.
Oh, I get it.
The old horse's head trick.
(Clearing throat) - Can I help you? - Yes, my name is Ben Harper.
Your newspaper recently listed me as deceased.
And the problem is? I'd like you to fix it.
Why? We said some wonderful things.
"Generous, loving" Skip to the bottom, where it says I'm dead.
- Well, it is an obituary.
- I want my life back! Fine, fine.
Everybody wants something.
Ah, yes, there does seem to be a minor typographical error.
- Well, the name is very similar to yours.
- Really? Karim Abdul Ngolo? Please don't touch my things.
Karim Abdul Ben Harper.
- Oh! It's such an easy mistake.
- Well, there you are, then.
- I demand you run a retraction.
- Oh, sorry.
No can do.
In order to request a retraction, you have to be alive.
Unless this is hell, which it possibly is, I am very much alive! Any next of kin who could corroborate that? Perhaps your wife? Mfamwe? - You're touching my things again.
- I will touch a lot more if you don't fix it! - Retraction done.
- Good.
The wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one I'm the only one - Hello.
- Hello.
I've got a surprise for you.
I'm alive.
- Oh! - Mmm.
Well, I guess we don't need him any more.
(Thud) I tell you what.
How about taking my new life - Oh! for a test spin? - You really are alive.
- Mm-hm.
Well, I have a surprise for you.
Is it a good surprise or a bad surprise? Yes.
OK, now open your eyes.
Our little angel has moved back.
Isn't it wonderful? Come on, then.
Say something.
Well, I'm not changing him.
It's not fair.
I spent all my time and effort on that nursery and Nick still manages to wriggle his way back in.
Only for a little while.
Besides I'm glad he's back.
Great.
What about what I want? What do you want? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
- Yeah, that's good.
- Nice little chocolate.
Oh, boy, yeah.
That's That's That's good for starters, yeah.
(Nick) Mummy? Mummy? Can I have a glass of water?