My Family (2000) s04e08 Episode Script

Not for me, thanks.
I'll just have toast.
- Don't you start.
- Start what? - Whatever it is you're starting.
- Don't you like Halloween, then? I've nothing against devil worship per se.
It's the enforced jollity that comes with it.
When I want to be jolly, I will be.
- I'm trying to release your inner child.
- It doesn't want to be released.
It's quite happy where it is.
It's warm, comfortable and reading the paper.
So Flaming hell, Susan.
Now you're in the spirit.
What do you think we should do tonight? I don't know about you.
I am going to be sitting on the sofa, watching telly.
- It's Halloween.
- Same answer.
Come on, Halloween is just a scam made up by sweet-makers to sell sweets.
It's like Valentine's Day.
Another scam.
Flowers, chocolates, cards.
To appease some woman's stunted idea of romance.
Maybe not Valentine's Day Mother's Day? I'll say it.
Shut up, Ben.
Thank you.
Remember to be home by six.
That's when the fun starts.
Finally! After all these years.
- Why can't Abi help? - I'm going to a college fancy-dress ball.
- Can't you cancel? - No way.
This bloke really likes me.
- Really? What's he like? - I don't know yet.
But there must be You know, somewhere.
- Looks like it's just you and me.
- What about Mikey? - He's going to the cinema tonight.
- It's Halloween.
- I don't think he ever got the hang of it.
- I think he's got the hang of it.
- He's made me a fright mask.
- Go on, put it on.
Let's have a look.
- Well, I don't know if I should.
- Go on, give us a fright.
Go on, I bet it's really scary.
Ready? Hello? I'm ho Oh (Cackles) - Hello, darling.
- Hello, my pretty! God, the traffic was hell tonight.
We were held up for 40 minutes because some idiot parked his van on the red route.
Come into my parlour, my little man.
I've got gingerbread.
Lovely.
Do they really think I'd sign up with a credit card company called Egg? Agh! Give me my ruby slippers! - What's for supper? - All right, Ben, that's not funny.
I didn't like to say.
I just thought you had a bad day.
- If you're not going to join in, just say.
- I'm not going to join in.
I am just going to cheer myself up by watching the news.
Aw! What the? I've converted the whole place into a house of horrors - for visiting trick or treaters.
- Didn't take much converting.
There's no time for that.
I've hired you a costume for tonight.
- I am not wearing a costume.
- Oh, but it's a really good one.
It better be a warm one because when I put it on, it'll be a cold day in hell.
All right.
But I've left the costume on the bed.
Take a look.
I can see I don't like it from here.
- I wonder what's on the radio.
- I am trying to watch the news.
(Susan) We interrupt this programme for an important newsflash.
A dangerous lunatic has escaped from St Margot's Hospital for the Criminally Insane, just up the road.
He is believed to be It's not funny and it's not scary.
- (Doorbell) - Door.
- (Knocking) - Door.
(Susan cackles) OK, I'll get it.
- (All) Trick or treat! - It's started.
- What have you got for us, mister? - I think you want my wife.
Nah, sweets will do.
- Susan! - Look, just give us the sweets.
- Or you'll get a trick.
- That's extortion.
No, extortion is when you ask for money.
We just want the sweets.
- Sweets! Sweets! - We haven't got any, so on your bikes.
- Then you're gonna get a trick.
- Oh, really? Go on, then.
- You don't want a trick from a warlock.
- Try me.
By all the powers above and below, I curse this house.
Ha! 20 years too late.
Go on.
Is that the best you can do? That'll teach you to mess with the occult.
Ah! Thank God that's over for another year.
- What's that? - It's a nice, clean shirt, Susan.
- You could change into your costume.
- This is my costume.
I'm dressed as angry man just home from work in need of a drink.
(Doorbell) - I'm not getting it.
- You've got to.
This is your thing, you do it.
- I can't.
- Why not? Isn't it obvious? I've got to jump out at them.
- What for? - Because it's scary! OK, OK, OK.
Hi.
Brian Green.
This is my son Timmy.
Your wife said to bring him round for trick or treat.
They're sending out invitations now! - Is there a problem? - Yes, but she's hiding at the moment.
Come in, come in.
Um, I'd better just go and check on my daughter across the road.
Don't mind if I leave Timmy here? No, there's always room for another vampire in this house.
- Cheers, mate.
- Bye.
Don't look at me.
None of this was my idea, OK? Ah-ha! Hello, little boy.
(Cackles) Hello, Mrs Harper.
OK.
Well, let me show you around.
Welcome to my house of horror.
Ooh! Would you like a sweet, little boy? (Cackles) OK Oh! I wonder what's in here.
Oh Ooh (Screams) Is there much more of this? Look, I spent a lot of time setting this up.
At least you could be frightened.
Well, pardon me for breathing.
See, Timmy knows the score.
He knows Halloween is a load of crap.
No, no, I like Halloween.
It's just this is rubbish.
I mean, look at this.
Spider webs, plastic skeletons.
- What were you thinking? - They're special effects.
Don't be soft.
Have you seen Lord Of The Rings? What he's trying to say is, he doesn't believe in all this supernatural nonsense.
It's not nonsense.
My friend Ali's seen a ghost.
A real one.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
- No, he didn't, cos they don't exist.
- They do.
Otherwise, why do we have Halloween? - Outclassed again, Ben.
- (Doorbell) No, no, not outcl Look, Timmy, come here, I want to tell you something.
Look, for your information, ghosts do not exist.
OK? Cos when we die, that's it.
That's the end of it.
No more.
When the body dies, the mind dies with it.
- What? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See this world we're living in now, that's all there is.
(Cackling) No spirits, no ghosts, no vampires, no demons, nothing.
After we die, there's no reward waiting for us, no punishment, there's nothing.
Yeah, that's it.
We're stuck with it.
But what will happen to me after I die? Well, Timmy, you'll either be burnt to cinders and tossed on the flowerbed.
Or you'll be buried and eaten by worms.
It's all right.
Don't worry.
You'll be dead.
Oh, I give up.
I know, I know, Timmy.
I know.
It was my skeleton, wasn't it? Poor little Timmy.
Mr Green didn't seem too happy, either.
Well, maybe he's got a wife who forces him to do things.
- (Doorbell) - Door.
- Beer.
- Door.
- Beer.
- Door! I haven't got any sweets.
Answer it.
Unless you want another egging.
If I don't answer the door, I won't get an egging.
I meant from me.
Whoo! Whoo - Yes? - It was me.
Trick or treat? - That is pathetic.
- Well, I didn't want to be too scary.
After all, I had to go on the bus.
What? You wore that all the way here? - Of course! It's Halloween.
- Is it? Nobody told me.
Oh, right, then You must've thought I was a right prat.
- Agh! Oh! - Hello, my pretty.
Hang on.
Hang on.
- Whoo! - Aargh! - Whoo! - Aargh! Whoo! - Aaargh! Whoo! - Aaargh! God, it's like being at a Westlife concert.
Roger, the real party is in the kitchen.
There's apple bobbing.
In a witch's cauldron.
Yahoo! There's a prize if you can stay under for longer than seven minutes.
- (Doorbell) - Door.
- Busy.
- Roger, door.
(Gargling) - What? - Trick or treat.
- Here you go.
Go on, here, take them.
- We don't like the orange creams.
Well, neither do I.
That's why I'm giving them to you.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you the kids who came earlier? - No.
- Yes, you are, you're the warlock.
Come on, give us the purple ones with the hazelnuts.
- Take what you're given and shut up.
- Is that what your wife says? I don't have to take this.
I kept my side of the bargain.
What are you gonna do? "Be back by six," she said.
"That's when the fun starts.
" - Where's my beer? - (Susan) Where you left it.
- I left it on the table.
- Are you sure? Susan, I may be getting old but I always remember where I left a can of beer.
Oh, of course, on the mantelpiece.
How much tidier is that? Mmm.
Yes, my shirt was egged again.
- It's all right.
It's soaking in Biotex.
- Good.
You finally decided to join in.
What? Susan! You put fake blood in my bloody beer.
- It wasn't me.
- Or me.
Well, it wasn't me.
Whoo! Please, would you stop that? Who was it? A scary ghost? Whoo! - Oh, shut up, the pair of you.
- (Doorbell) I'll get it.
Costume.
- Trick or treat.
- Anyone would think you didn't like it.
Horrible American import.
Never did it when I was a kid.
Perhaps the other kids did and never told you.
Do you reckon? Well, I wouldn't have gone.
You wouldn't catch me wearing a stupid costume.
What about your Lycra cycling shorts? - You said I looked sexy in them.
- I said that to get you out of the house.
You'll never guess what.
I just heard on the radio that a lunatic has escaped from the St Margot's Hospital for the Criminally Insane.
Just up the road.
I must admit, I'm a little uneasy.
Roger, it was Susan.
Susan's the lunatic? Yes.
- (Doorbell) - OK, where'd you put the sweets? Uh, yes, now, there's a funny story about that.
- They've all gone.
- What? That last bunch of trick or treaters had them off me.
- They were big lads.
Nine or ten.
- There were ten of them? No, there were two of them.
But they were nine or ten.
Oh, great, now we've got no sweets.
- It doesn't matter.
What does it matter? - I just wanted us to be popular.
- We've gotta give them something.
- Give them the apples.
They've all got your teeth marks in them.
- We can tell them it was the pixies.
- (Ben) Oh, yeah.
Good idea.
I'll hold your coat.
Go on.
Oh Look what I've found.
A magazine.
Naughty, naughty.
Yeah, must be one of Michael's.
No, it's Family Circle.
- You've been hiding this from me.
- (Doorbell) Away in a manger No crib for a bed All right! Knock it off.
It's October 31 st.
Best to get in early.
Just get in the spirit.
Mind if I take the sports section? Ready for your treats, my pretties? - Hey, what's that? - Battery.
Double A.
Only used once.
- What? - For you, a key for bleeding the radiator.
And for you, something really special.
- A biro with half an inch of ink in it? - People kill for those in Morocco.
- We're not in Morocco.
- More's the pity.
- We're gonna get you.
- We know where you live.
(Thump) What sweet kids.
Let's adopt them.
- Ben.
- Hm? - Did you do that? - Oh, give it a rest, Susan.
- I'm so scared.
- No.
Really.
- It wasn't me.
- Well, it wasn't me.
Remember? I'm no fun.
Am I? - Roger.
- Hmm? Did you tamper with my special effect? - Pardon? - Somebody put the skeleton on the sofa.
Oh Really? It wasn't me.
I've been engrossed in this piece on cruelty-free mothproofing.
- Well, somebody did it.
- I know.
Perhaps it was the escaped lunatic.
- (Doorbell) - Not again! - Right.
Go away.
- (Abi) It's me.
- I know.
Go away.
- Let me in! Quick, lock the door.
Are you all right? There's a load of kids out there, massing in the streets.
They look really hungry.
- Oh, dear.
- Like that Hitchcock film with the birds.
What's it called? The Birds.
That's right, the birds.
What is it called? - Did they hurt you? - Yeah.
- They jeered at my cheese costume.
- The little devils! All right, Roger.
Good job they didn't have a grater.
Oh, well, it's just Halloween high spirits.
- How was the party? - Yeah, yeah, it was all right.
- Bit difficult to get in.
- No tickets? No, narrow doorways.
Still, I met this really gorgeous man there.
- Oh, good! - Oh, good We were getting on great until it turns out that he's got an allergy to dairy.
- He obviously wasn't right for you.
- Did you tell him it wasn't real cheese? Oh, I didn't even think of that.
It's not too late to go back, is it? I thought so.
I like cheese.
Abi, I've got to ask you this.
What has cheese got to do with Halloween? It gives you nightmares? - (Children) Whoo! - Go away! Go on! Get out of it, or I'll set the cheese on you.
This is your fault.
You angered the warlock.
You're the one handing out radiator keys.
I had to give them something.
It's Halloween.
You say that one more time and I'll stick your Nimbus 2000 in a place where witches don't fly.
The reason I keep saying this, and you seem to forget, this is a time for fun and for children.
Two concepts that cancel each other out.
You're not even trying.
Look, Abi's made an effort.
Abi's dressed up.
That's an argument for? Well, I think she looks jolly nice.
Let's go and make a sandwich.
I've made myself blush.
Oh, that's nice.
You've got a bonfire.
What? My God, they've set fire to my garden furniture.
- Right, I'm ringing the police.
- Call the fire brigade.
- What good will they do? - Put the fire out? And then what? No, it's the police or nothing.
- Or a bucket of water.
- Hello? Yeah, hello.
Some kids have set fire to my garden furniture.
I want you to send a squad car with four officers and maybe a schools inspector.
And Well, that is a coincidence cos I've got better things to do with my time.
I know.
I know it's Halloween.
Yes, I know it's just kids.
That's all right, is it? Is it? Some kids kidnap a granny, torture her and dismember her, and that's fine cos it's just kids? No, that didn't actually happen.
It was just an example.
No, I'm not trying to waste your time.
Fine.
OK.
You'll be hearing from the Home Secretary.
There goes the hammock.
I think they're calming down.
(Shouting) I blame food additives.
Nonsense, you provoked them with your face.
Shouldn't somebody do something? Don't look at me.
Apparently, I've got a provocative face.
- Chicken.
- Cheese.
Stop fighting! Everybody! - I'm going out there.
- You're not going to tackle them? Good Lord, no, I'm going to pop down the newsagents, buy more sweeties.
- Isn't that appeasement? - What you must remember is that appeasement delayed the war by 11 months, allowing Britain time to rearm.
It's like The Night Of The Living Dead, when the zombies break in and try and eat your brains.
Slim pickings here, then.
Wish me luck.
- Look.
- Yeah, yeah, very brave.
No, no, he's wearing his costume.
Why is it you're the only one who won't join in? There's always one who won't join in.
Won't join in with the lynch mob.
Won't join in with the book-burning.
Won't wear his costume.
- Give a good reason why I should.
- To please me.
I said a good reason.
- All right, you don't want to wear it.
- Oh, at last, she's got it! - You're afraid you'll look silly.
- No.
- You're embarrassed.
- No.
- Honestly, it's no big deal.
- Then why are you making a big deal? - You're just being childish.
- Me? - You're dressed as a witch! - What is your problem with this? I do not have one.
You have a problem.
- What is my problem? - You're too pig-headed.
- You're not? - Right.
- Then prove it.
- OK, I'll prove it.
I'll wear your stupid costume, OK? (Panting) It is hell out there.
It's like the opening Only with eggs.
- I'm so upset.
- Lucky you were wearing the sheet.
That's just it.
I've had this sheet since I was a child.
It's my chewy blanket.
Abi, take Roger into the kitchen and give him a good sponge down.
OK.
(Roger whimpers) See? Not so smug now, are we? It's all right, Ben.
You can take it off now.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? There's no way I'm giving in now.
Seems to have quietened down.
Perhaps they've gone to bed.
I wouldn't count on it.
Probably gone further afield for eggs.
Every hen in Greater London must be empty now.
- (Doorbell) - OK.
- They're back.
- God.
All I've got left are Oxo cubes.
I've got an egg.
(Doorbell) - Wait, Ben, wait.
Let me.
- What's in there? Rotten eggs.
There were 20 of them in the fridge.
Susan is planning another souffle.
- Oh, I dunno.
- Come on, Roger, do it.
- I dunno.
- Come on, you know you want to.
- Perhaps I shouldn't.
- Yes, you should.
They've egged your favourite sheet, Roger.
They've humiliated you.
- But it's just petty revenge.
- No.
It's not just revenge, Roger.
It's justice.
Go on.
Do it, Roger.
Give it to them.
I will! Go! Trick or treat, suckers! - Let's go and have a look.
- No, no, no! Are you mad? But it's the best bit.
Ah-ha! Not eggs-actly what you were eggs-pecting? Hello, officers.
- Good evening, sir.
- Tell us who's responsible for this.
All right, I confess.
It was me.
- But he made me do it.
- Roger, please! - So the devil made you do it? - Yeah.
It's OK.
We were just getting a bit harassed by some kids.
So we decided to get our own back, you know? Why should we believe what the devil says? We should we believe what the police say? - Well, least said, soonest mended.
- We'll decide that, if you don't mind.
Your neighbour called.
There's a fire in your garden.
The police didn't want to know about it.
They probably thought if anybody could handle a bit of fire, you could.
You being the devil, an'all.
That's very good, that.
Yes, dressed as the devil.
Got me in stitches.
Very good.
If I were you, I'd laugh at my colleague's jokes.
- If you don't want him to press charges.
- Yeah, OK.
Very good.
I'm sorry my mate egged your uniform.
And the fire's out so everything's fine.
So, thank you.
Bye.
All right, sir.
But do us a favour.
Ask your minions to go easy on us on a Saturday night.
- That's so funny.
- Who is it, Ben? Good God.
It's the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Famine, pestilence, death and Wensleydale.
Thank God that's over for another year.
Can I pack my inner child back into its box? Yes, and hammer down the lid.
You were useless.
You didn't participate.
You didn't have fun.
And I like the way you left me to handle those kids.
You didn't handle them.
You just bought them off.
I can't even watch the telly.
You gave away the remote.
We couldn't use it anyway.
We'd run out of batteries.
Did you hear something? - What? - Outside.
Right.
That's it.
I've had enough of this.
You can stop all this Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
A joke's a joke, but that's just sick.
Don't look at me.
Abi's the one who heard the noise.
It couldn't be her.
She's got no imagination.
- I thought up the cheese costume.
- No.
Not him, he's an idiot.
- Perhaps it was the lunatic.
- See what I mean? (Creaking) Someone's upstairs.
(Footsteps) What's that? I don't know.
I can't (Gasps) - (Thunderclap) - (Roger) It's him! It's the loony! Good evening.
- Mr Green! - That's right.
Oh, did I scare you? - Good.
Not nice, is it? - No.
Now you know how my little boy felt after his visit to your house of horror.
- He was terrified.
- It was the spider, wasn't it? It was your husband blathering on about worms, graves and corpses.
- It's Halloween.
- Oh, Ben, that's so sweet.
That's not the point.
You break into our house, mess about with our stuff.
- That's breaking and entering.
- No, I don't think so.
Somebody left a window open upstairs.
With a severed arm dangling out of it.
It's Halloween.
- OK, I'm phoning the police.
- And what are you going to tell them? That I moved a skeleton and a can of beer? Oh, no! Anyway, they're very busy tonight.
According to some git out there dressed in a sheet, there's an escaped lunatic at large.
See? It was true.
Anyway, I'll see myself out.
Oh.
(Screaming) Sleep well.
Don't have nightmares.
(Chuckles) Now, why couldn't you have done something like that? (Doorbell) (Screams) - Who was that? - One of my patients.